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When Haruka opened the door, the words disappeared in his throat.
Futa was sitting in a corner of the room, hunched over mumbling incomprehensible words to himself. It also seemed that he was holding a white cloth in his hands, possibly the cape that Amane had made for him as a sign of his faith.
His current state was completely different from the Futa Haruka had met a few months prior, as if he was another person. They had all changed. It wasn't surprising. But still, he felt his heart squeezing in his chest at the view, the emotions overwhelming him.
Haruka gripped his shirt, watching him, the door still open. Somehow, he couldn't bring himself to close it, as if he'd be swallowed by whatever was in the air in that room if he fully stepped inside. However, he couldn't just stand there without doing anything. He stared at his blue, undone shoes and then back at Futa.
''Are you alright, Futa…? Why are you sitting in the dark like that…?''
''Oh, it's you.'' Futa's eye locked into Haruka, the bright green sending shivers down his spine. There was really something weird about him. It wasn't a despective look like his mother had given him, but it was equally terrifying. ''Haruka. Hey, how are you?''
''I'm okay…'' He gave him a shaky smile, what he actually wanted to say was if Futa was okay. ''Isn't it great that we both were forgiven?''
''I guess, but that's not important… I wanted to talk to you.''
He got up, throwing the blanket that was around his shoulders to the floor and making his way to Haruka, putting his hands on Haruka's shoulders, creepily, like a snake. Haruka pursed his lips in an effort not to run away. He couldn't do anything for Futa if he ran away, and even though he was useless, maybe now there was something he could do. After all, he had changed in Milgram, right? But Futa's change was not the same.
''I had a great idea! Haruka, you should be saved too. Don't you agree?'' His head moved inspecting Haruka's face from side to side, a deranged look on his face. ''She will make you be born anew! You can be anything you've always wanted! See? Like me!''
''She can't… she can't do that.'' Haruka hung his head, his mind full of contradicting thoughts. If Amane could… No, but Mu had already saved him. And Amane was a kid, a kid could never— he didn't hate her, but… ''I liked it when you took care of me. You were scary, but kind…'' Even though he wasn't yelling anymore, he was actually scarier now.
''Huh?'' Futa raised an eyebrow, visibly confused. He had always had a hard time understanding Haruka, but it hurt. Haruka wanted to understand Futa and to be understood by him. He thought it'd be wonderful to be able to talk like before. ''I thought you were happier now, why are you making that face? Ahh, is it because you haven't been saved yet?'' He bit his lip in frustration and a hand cupped Haruka's cheek, more intimidating than anything. ''What should we do? Maybe I should talk to Her…''
Haruka grabbed his wrist, his patience thinning out, especially with the way Futa was talking and touching him. ''Let's leave Amane out of this… I wanted to talk to you, Futa. Please listen to me…''
''You said you changed too, right? That you didn't hate yourself anymore. Can't you see that it's the same for me? We're the same.''
The words, spoken intensely, moved something in Haruka's heart. Futa again touched his face, and this time, he wasn't able to stop it.
''Right, Haruka? We were both forgiven and changed because of that… Now, the voices don't matter anymore. You can also be saved. Just look at me! I'm so happy now!''
''H-Happy? Ahh…''
Was he happy? Then, wasn't it fine? He had been in so much pain, and he didn't deserve it, so if he could be happy…
''Everything will be perfect once you're saved, Haruka. You will be able to do anything you want to do.''
''Anything?'' He inhaled sharply, temptation rising through his skin, seeping inside his body. Futa smirked, alluring, enticing. Haruka could hear his own heartbeats getting louder. He stared at Futa's lips without realizing. ''A-Anything?'' He repeated, fingertips trembling.
''Anything.'' Futa's whisper was sweet venom to him. An impulse Haruka had never known existed in him made itself stronger by the second, and before he knew it, his hands were on Futa.
He was grabbing him by the neck, tugging him closer. A strong grip, but not enough to choke him. He'd never do that to anyone in Milgram. Futa's eye widened in surprise, but he couldn't move away before Haruka was kissing him with fervor. Clumsy and inexperienced, but hot in the way his desire showed as he moved his lips against Futa's.
Futa couldn't resist, not with hands around his neck, alarms going off in his brain. He was suddenly so scared of Haruka, having a taste of his own medicine, but he had to ignore that fear. He had been saved. He couldn't be afraid. He had decided that those things didn't matter to him! So they wouldn't.
Haruka kept leaning into him, his weight making Futa take a step back, making him aware of how strong Haruka was, and slightly bigger than himself. He wasn't a weak person. He wasn't scared. This wasn't scary, because he had Amane's teachings.
Haruka finally broke the kiss, jerking Futa away and crumbling down the next moment their eyes met. ''Futa…! If I can have anything, I want the same you as always.''
''That's selfish. Even though you changed.''
''Didn't you say I could have anything?!''
Futa was hesitating. He wanted to ignore Haruka, he was just another voice he didn't need to hear, but he couldn't, his presence too real, his words too desperate. It was Haruka. Somewhere inside him, he had always cared about him. But if he rejected Amane's teachings, there was nothing to be done.
''I can't… go back…'' His voice was terribly shaky. It made an awful feeling pile up inside of him, burning shame and frustration. He thought he had buried those along with the old Futa. It was all Haruka's fault, because he was always bright, and liked Futa despite how he was– ''I can't go back…! This is all I have…'' He held Haruka's arms, his pupil trembling. As heart-breaking as it was, this was Futa Kajiyama. Haruka hugged him and they slowly dropped to the floor in their hug, kneeling together.
A tear fell from Futa's eye. From that position, he could only see some of Haruka's hair and the open door behind them. That place that had trapped them, and the little comfort he had on it. It was all so, so scary.
''I can't go back to hearing the voices… T-To the pain… So I have to hide it… She saved me…! I need it…''
Haruka didn't know what to say, his eyes blown wide, all of Futa's feelings registering strongly in his mind. Now, he thought they could really understand each other. But what could he say when he was also relying fully on someone else? It was too scary without that. They hated themselves too much for it. Haruka wasn't ready to let go either. But if there was something he knew it was only that he missed Futa, and wanted him to be the same. Futa wasn't a failure like himself. He already shone from being his usual self. Everybody in there were wonderful people, he was sure of it.
''I like you…'' He spoke almost without thinking, keeping Futa close. He heard him sob and bury his face into Haruka's shoulder, his own eyes tearing up from hearing Futa break down like that. ''Futa, Futa…'' He stroked his back softly, trying to get Futa to look at him. When he did, with a face full of tears, Haruka peeled the paper tied to his head away, exposing the eyepatch. He felt relieved that he was still using the eyepatch, surely the injury would be too painful without it.
But Futa batted him away, turning his head, still too shaken to have his weakness exposed. ''Stop…! Not again…! I can't!''
''L-Listen to me, please…! What can I do…?'' He spoke anxiously, holding Futa again so he couldn't leave the moment he felt his legs kicking at Haruka to get away. ''I don't want you to turn into someone else… I want to be here forever, with you and everyone else…!''
''You don't get it! You're happy that you were forgiven, but for me, that doesn't matter anymore! Because it hurts!! It hurts!!'' He cried almost like a baby, thrashing out as he tried to break free, and Haruka was so lost and so, so hurt. He was very familiar with it. Crying without comfort like a kid, the childishness and self-hatred and fear. ''This here- It will never let me forget! Isn't it too much…? Don't I have the right to be saved…?!''
Unlike himself, Futa's stay in Milgram was just bringing him pain. Was this the Warden's fault? Because he hadn't forgiven Futa from the start? Haruka wished he had done like Mu had suggested and just forgiven everyone. In his eyes, they all deserved it, and maybe Futa wouldn't have been hurt that way. But if it was impossible for him to be happy in Milgram, that only left one option…
''When we leave the prison… C-Can we stay together then?'' He clumsily took Futa's hand, who was half-lying on the floor as he continued sobbing. He paused with Haruka's words, peeking at him under his arm that was covering his face and eyepatch in a last attempt to save himself.
When Es had asked him what did he want to do once he left Milgram, Haruka hadn't known what to reply. But now he had changed. He wasn't that weak, sheepish person anymore. He had found what he wanted to do— to still be around them, even after they left. To stay with Futa, because he was uneasy to leave him alone, and maybe a bit uneasy about being alone, too.
''But…'' Just the thought of going back was terrifying to Futa. He could feel the pain getting worse along with his headache that had only gone away when Amane had saved him. He couldn't rely on Haruka. What could Haruka do to save him? Another kiss was pressed in Futa's lips, saltier than the last due to their tears, but also softer and tender.
Futa was the one to hug Haruka this time.
I don't know. I don't know.
I want to be saved.
I need it.
Those words kept repeating inside his brain, but his hands were still holding onto him. He was unable to reject Haruka or his warmth. Milgram was about to end, and it felt like it'd be the end for him, too. Futa wouldn't be able to live without his faith anymore.
But the other part of him, selfish and ugly, smiled with a damp gaze. ''Okay.''
Maybe this could save Haruka. He would make it so, because it all depended on him. He would find a way.
It all depended on him.