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Let me ask you a question: presented with the problem of having your snack stuck in a vending machine, what would you do?
- I’d ask for help.
- I’d shake the vending machine.
- I’d hit the vending machine.
- I’d beg for mercy from the vending machine.
- I’d curse at the vending machine.
- I’d try to get my snack by sticking my arm in the slot of the vending machine.
- All of the above, in that order.
Hange presses send text and locks their phone, resting their forehead against the glass of the vending machine. Levi is going to be so mad. So, so mad.
It’s a date night, or well, it was supposed to be. Hange was supposed to be at Levi and Erwin’s shared dorm room long ago. They were supposed to be relaxing for a blissful evening after the exam week, finally talking about things other than the pressure to do well; there were supposed to be dimmed lights and snacks, their favorite show playing on the laptop, warm cuddles under the blanket—and there probably are. Hange’s two boyfriends are most likely enjoying each other’s company right now, and Hange will never see them again. It’s partially because they are going to be so mad after this, the third time they are late to a date, that they won’t ever speak to them, and partially because presented with the problem of having their snack stuck in a vending machine earlier, Hange chose option seven.
Long story short, I got my arm in the slot of the vending machine on the third floor right now, can’t pull out. Could use some help.
Hange sighs, trying to reposition themself better so their butt stops hurting. Their arm is bent at an awkward angle and their back has already gone numb; it’s possible they’ve been here for hours now. Days, possibly. Years. They look at the chocolate bar dangling uselessly from its slot and make a face, hitting their temple against the glass. “You know it’s all your fault, right?” they ask. “I paid for you.”
They try tugging their hand once again, but to no avail. “Listen, I take it back. It’s not you, yeah? It’s me. You’re a machine, I’m a human, we never would’ve worked out anyway. You have to let me go. Please.” With their free hand, they try to rattle the machine. They punch the side, they reach the buttons to push random numbers. Nothing.
“Besides, I’m already in a relationship. I’m dating two guys that I love very much, I could never betray them.”
Their breath fogs up the glass, and Hange draws a sad face on it. “Sigh, whatever. Guess I live here now.”
“Hange, what the fuck?”
And then Hange suddenly freezes.
They twist their head back to see Levi in his pajamas on the other side of the hallway, hair tied and a face mask on his face. Erwin is next to him, also in his pajamas. He’s not wearing a mask, though.
“Swearing.” Hange snorts, “that’s money for your boob job jar.”
“Top surgery.”
“So true, boyfriend.”
“How did you even… you know what, I won’t ask.”
“I will,” Erwin chimes in. “How did you even manage that?”
“Well I wanted to get us that new chocolate bar they put in the machine. Ymir and Historia told me it tasted good and I trust lesbians. The stupid thing got stuck in the slot.”
“How long have you been there for?”
Hange shrugs. “An hour? Two? A day? Forever, man.”
Levi tsks before he grabs Erwin’s hand and leads them to stand before Hange.
“Hey,” Hange says with a grin. “I could really, really use some help.”
Erwin crouches down next to them and before tilting his head to look into the slot, he presses a kiss on the crown of their head. He smells good, his hair soft as it brushes against their cheek; Hange feels themself instinctively leaning closer towards him.
“I’m sorry for being late to our date,” they say.
“For the third time,” Levi replies. His arms are crossed on his chest, his expression hidden behind his mask.
“The first two times were barely my fault.”
“You let the lab rats loose.”
“You would too, had they looked at you with those beady eyes.”
Erwin tugs at Hange’s hand gently, then hums. “Levi, we might need you to help out on this.”
“What do you need me to do?”
“Remember when we were laughing about your lock picking skills?”
“Maybe?”
“Pleeaaaseeee,” Hange says, blinking obnoxiously. “I always knew it was going to come in handy one day, my love. Please help me ouuuuuut.”
Instead of answering, Levi reaches to pull out a bobby pin from Hange’s hair. Hange can see him trying to hide a smile as he rolls his eyes. “Where?”
Erwin points at the lock on the side of the machine, turning the flash of his phone to illuminate it better, and as Levi gets to work, he winks at Hange. Hange smiles back.
It takes a lot shorter for Levi to pick the lock than what they would’ve assumed. He works silently, efficiently, and Hange holds themself back from annoying him further, sitting patiently as they’ve been for the past century, smiling every once in a while when Erwin turns to check if they are doing okay. When the lock clicks, the door of the machine opens with a weak groan.
“Fuck yeah!” Hange exclaims, pulling their hand free. Finally. Finally.
“Swear jar,” Erwin reminds them.
“Fuck yeah,” they reiterate, rubbing their sore wrist. “Fucking fuck yeah. Fuck! Did I go over the amount of allowed fucks for a PG-13 media?”
“Yeah. You gotta pay extra.”
Hange pushes themself up on their feet, doing a mock salute. “Yessir. Can we go now?”
Levi reaches inside the machine and grabs the chocolate bar Hange had been trying to get. “Without this?”
“Oh, actually so true.”
Hange lands a big, wet kiss on Levi’s lips, somehow managing to avoid coming into contact with his face mask. Levi pushes his cold, sticky cheek against Hange’s in return.
In the room, Hange changes into a pair of sweatpants and a sweater; Levi finishes cleaning his face and Erwin puts their favorite show on his laptop. Once they are done, they meet under the covers and their bodies tangle with practiced ease, an amalgamation of legs and arms and chests, Levi’s head hiding in the crook of Erwin’s neck, Hange hugging Erwin’s arm. Hange’s muscles instantly relax, a sweet, pleasant feeling coursing through their veins. They aren’t even tired anymore; just embracing their lovers and hearing about their day is enough to make them forget about their troubles.
“... So yeah, I think I did well,” Erwin says, “I mean, despite drawing a complete blank on that one question.”
“I’m sure you did,” Levi approves. He’s absentmindedly playing with Erwin’s fingers, a soft look in his face as he listens to him. Hange moves to hug both of them at the same time.
“I love you guys,” they say, “and hey, should we try the chocolate?”
“Never thought you’d ask,” Erwin replies.
They reach for the nightstand and get the bar, then unwrap it and break it into three equal pieces. Before taking a bite together at the same time, they all look at each other.
“Holy fuck,” Hange says, “so good. Actually so so good.”
“Swear jar,” Erwin and Levi say at the same time.