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When he was younger, and his parents were still around, they would read him stories. Whenever he asked, his Mama would pull out a book and start reading. Kai loved it so much, and it was one of the things he missed the very most when they were gone. Kai never learned to read, so once they were gone, the books lay untouched.
One of the stories he had always remembered was the one about Icarus. His Mama had taken an interest in them for a time, and would read Kai all the different myths. Most have left his memory now, but not Icarus. The lesson in it has kept with him for many years now, influencing most of his decisions.
His Mama explained it as ‘getting lost in your pride’. Being good at something, or something being easy, does not mean it does not carry risks. Always be weary.
Kai has flown too close to the sun.
The ironic part is that he didn’t even want to be a Ninja in the first place. He had only wanted to rescue his sister, nothing more. But Wu had lured him in with food, and stability, and feeling like a hero. He’d promised safety for Nya, a lack of mundane responsibility for Kai. And, it had been fun. It had been really fun. Riding dragons and fighting snakes and skeletons. Scary, yes, but the rush of adrenaline was addicting, and before he knew it, Kai was head over heels for being a Ninja.
He’d forgotten, at some point, how truly dangerous what they do is. And now his sister is gone, turned into the very ocean she commands. She’s gone, and he can’t help feeling like it is all his fault.
The days run together without her. It feels like all meaning has been drained out of every action. Eating, training, getting out of bed, it’s all pointless. And the others are grieving too, he knows that, and he can’t imagine the heartbreak his poor parents are suffering, but… it isn’t the same.
Kai was there for every parent-teacher conference. Kai was there for every science fair. Kai was the one working every single day to put food on her table, even if it meant he didn’t get to eat himself. Kai was the one who agreed for them to become Ninja. Kai is the one who got his sister killed.
They couldn’t possibly understand that. Not that they try, so much. The Ninja are either too worried about Jay or themselves to bother with Kai. Even his own parents only speak with him when it’s to ask for stories about his sister. And, look, he also thinks she’s amazing, and he understands that they regret their absence, but it hurts so much already, and they’re making it worse.
He supposes it’s his own fault, for perfecting his mask back when he was young. It’s like second nature, slipping behind it so no one can really tell what he’s feeling. He feels safer that way, but he’d never realized how lonely he was until it wasn’t the norm anymore.
The self-hatred that rears its ugly head is painfully familiar. It feels like home, and the normality of it is somehow comforting. Old habits die hard, and they come back stupidly easily. He doesn’t eat anymore, showers every morning in cold water, cooks for the whole house, trains whenever he isn’t cooking. He sleeps eight hours, no more, and pushes himself harder and harder.
No one notices, no one stops him.
Until he finally breaks, three weeks after Nya’s funeral. He falls apart in the truest form, sitting in the kitchen, shoved painfully hard into the corner of the cabinets, gasping like a drowning man. It’s his own fault, he shouldn’t have tried to make her tea. He was tired, though, and it was so routine that he had, as if on autopilot, grabbed one of Nya’s teabags. He’d gotten so far as letting it steep for a few minutes, before the smell reached him and grief knocked him to the floor.
No one else is awake this early, but they probably will be now. He wasn’t quiet when he fell to his knees, and he isn’t being quiet as he sobs so hard he gags, now. There are footsteps in the hall, and he curls himself up tighter, his face in his knees and his arms circled around his head.
“ Kai?” Someone balks. He thinks they must have been expecting Jay. It’s not an unreasonable conclusion to have drawn. “Are you ok? Did you hurt yourself?” He thinks it’s Cole that’s talking to him, but he’s too busy to try and put a face to the voice. “What’s wrong?” Kai almost laughs at that, because it’s such a stupid question. Is it not obvious? “I’m gonna… I’m gonna get your mom.” His footsteps retreat.
Yes, that would make sense, wouldn’t it? They’ve never seen Kai like this. Angry? Yes. Frightened? Yes. Crying? Grieving? No. They wouldn’t know how to help him. Nya would. He sobs harder.
“Kai?” Maya asks, soft but urgent. “Are you alright? What’s the matter?” Her hand is cold on his shoulder, her thumb feather-light where it rubs gentle circles.
“Her tea.” Is all Kai can say. The words are garbled and probably nearly unintelligible.
“Tea?”
“ Her tea,” Kai repeats, with a wail.
“That’s…” Cole hesitates. “That’s Nya’s tea, in the cup.” Kai can’t see her, but he can feel some kind of understanding dawning over his mother.
“Oh, baby.” She is so gentle as she sits down beside him. He wants her to wrap him up in her arms the way she did when he was a baby. He doesn’t want to move, though. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t- I should’ve done things differently, I’m so, so sorry.” Her hand in his hair is nice, gentle, combing through the small tangles easily. “I just- I think we all thought you were doing alright. You looked fine, you were- put together. We thought you were ok.” She sighs, her voice turning watery. “We should’ve asked. I should’ve asked. I should’ve thought. Of course you aren’t alright. You’ve been running around, distracting yourself… have you even grieved?”
“I killed her,” Kai warbles, feeling entirely too much like a child. “I knew, I knew being a Ninja was too dangerous and I did it anyway because it was fun. It was- it was- I didn’t have to- to be scared of money and- and- and we were safe in a different way but it- it- I knew and we stayed anyway because I’m so- so- selfish-” He sobs again, even louder than before, and she grabs him, pulling him half onto her lap. He’s so much bigger than her, now, heavier and stronger and simply bigger.
“You’re not selfish,” she whispers. She’s crying, he can hear it. “I’m sorry we weren’t there. None of this would’ve happened if we were there.” Kai wants to refuse, but the apology, the acknowledgement feels so nice. Because she’s right, even if it wasn’t her fault. “You had to do too much, I’m so sorry. Picking the option that made you feel safer isn’t bad, Kai. You didn’t kill her. She made just as much of a choice to become a Ninja as you did.”
“I f-flew too close,” he hiccups, finally moving to put his arms around her neck and his head against her collarbone. “I got- cocky.” Cocky for real, not cocky the way he used to be. That was pretend. That was him trying to protect himself however he could.
“You didn’t,” Maya shushes him, rocking back and forth. “You didn’t kill your sister any more than anyone else here. If you’re to blame, so are the rest of us.”
“I miss her, mama,” he whimpers. “I miss her so much- I need her back. I need her back, mama, I can’t do this- I can’t- I can’t do this without her.”
“I know,” Maya says, so softly he nearly misses it. “I know it feels like it, baby, but I’ll help you. We’ll all help you. You don’t need to be alone anymore.” It feels like false hope, a way out he doesn’t deserve, but he’s too tired and too hurt to argue with her, and the platitudes are like a balm to a burn. He nods into her chest and lets himself let go.