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The weak January light filtered into the classroom. Outside the window clouds rolled in, enveloping the city in grey gloom. The fluorescent bulbs hummed merrily above the rows of students hunched over their exam booklets, each one furiously scribbling. Kagome sat at the very back of the room near the windows. She wrote each answer in the test booklet before filling in the answer sheet, as instructed by her mother, who she knew was waiting anxiously at home. She completed the last section and closed her booklet, staring listlessly out of the window and into the street. The clouds had finally begun to empty and heavy snowflakes were falling onto the pavement, melting into slippery slicks as they hit the ground. All around her she could hear the sounds of students shifting in their seats, papers rustling, careful writing and the occasional quiet frustrated exhalation.
She felt their emotions buzzing around her, hope, confusion, desperation, excitement. Yet she felt very little at the prospect of university entrance, or a year of juku cram school. She could not envision a future where she studied, graduated, worked. When she attempted to see herself as an adult she encountered a great failure of imagination. It was as if the rest of the test takers moved in synchrony while she alone acted out of step and out of place.
Later, she dipped furtively into the crowd of students as she left the examination centre, avoiding her friends. She slipped out into the frigid afternoon without meeting them and headed home, her head bowed against the heavy sleet.
Climbing the steps to the shrine she saw her mother waiting for her. Mrs Higurashi greeted her daughter with a nervous smile.
She spoke rapidly. “How was it? We’ll have to wait a little to check the exam book, but I’m sure you’ve done well.”
“We should go inside, it’s starting to rain. How long were you waiting for me mama? You’ll catch a cold,” Kagome replied.
The two women hurried into the house. Kagome shook off her umbrella and shoes, leaving everything to dry. She was relieved to see her mother wasn’t wet, and guessed she had only come out when she heard the sound of the gate creaking.
She began to describe the exam, feigning emotion after seeing the expectation on her mother’s face. She felt guilt grip her, why couldn’t she be excited like everyone else? This was the moment that would define her future and she felt like an imposter going through the motions of her own life.
“I feel confident, I guess all that studying really paid off. Of course we have to wait, but I have my answers so we can check the result. I still want to apply to Gakushin Women’s University.”
Mrs Higurashi beamed at her. “That’s wonderful! Come on, I’ve prepared some dinner for you.”
That night she lay in bed, cocooned the warmth of her blankets and listening to the soft sounds of rain falling. She rolled onto her stomach and looked at the text messages blowing up her phone. She knew if she didn’t reply soon she would have to face her friends’ hurt and confusion tomorrow. She began to type, laboriously tapping out each response until her thumb was sore.
HOW DID YOU DO?
IT WAS SO HARD!
CAN YOU BELIEVE WE’RE ALMOST UNIVERSITY STUDENTS?!
Winter slowly released its grip on the city. The students in Year 12 received the results of the National Center Test for University Admissions. Kagome knew she should have been elated to be accepted into her first choice of university. One Sunday in early March she crowded into a booth next to Ayumi, Yura and Eri, laughing and eating fries. Her friends had all been accepted into university and there was a sense of relief and exhilaration as they gossiped together.
“It’s amazing that you got into the University of Tokyo, Ayumi,” she said, looking at her friend’s slowly creeping blush. “Do you know who else is going there? Hojo!”
The blush deepened and Ayumi looked down into her drink.
“Oh, maybe we will meet each other. I haven’t seen him really, we were all so busy before the exams.”
“I think he likes you,” Eri said.
“Yeah,” said Yura, “he was always finding excuses to run into us and ask you about the English homework. I think you’d make a cute couple.”
“Oh, but you don’t mind, do you Kagome? I remember he always seemed to like you in junior high,” said Ayumi softly.
“No, no, that was so long ago. Anyway, I don’t have time for boys!” she answered, laughing.
“And you’re going to a women’s school, you’ll never meet anyone there!” said Yura.
The conversation drifted from Kagome’s poor dating prospects to the class skiing trip. It had been just last week, and the weather had been perfect even though it was late in the season. As her friends mulled over every detail of the ski weekend Kagome wondered if she would ever date anyone. She felt it was impossible to relate to the boys in her highschool.
When she had returned she did not immediately realise that she must begin her ordinary life again, as if nothing had happened to her. She waited for Inuyasha at the well after school, in the mornings, and sometimes even late at night when her family slept. Each time she expected to find the portal to the past reopened. After months of waiting she came to the hurtful realisation that she wasn’t going back. She had turned her focus on school and her badly neglected friendships.
High school was difficult, and she was able to lose herself in studying. She kept her mind occupied every waking moment and fell into an exhausted sleep. Soon she almost forgot about the past and the sacred jewel. Kagome had convinced herself that she was just like the other students at her high school, but now that graduation was approaching the despair she felt when she knew the well was closed forever began to bubble up uncontrollably.
The sun shone brightly and the first buds had appeared,small nubs on the branches of otherwise barren trees. Kagome stood outside the high school in a gaggle of graduates. She saw Hojo approaching shyly, and nudged Ayumi. They walked off together, standing a little away from the group and talking animatedly.
“What do you think that’s about?” asked Eri.
“I think you know, he’s going to give her his second button! Look, I knew he liked her,” Yura said in a delighted stage whisper.
April crawled along. Kagome busied herself, meeting her friends for lunches, going shopping, helping her mother with chores. She often found herself drawn to the well, she would peer into the darkness and remember the sensation of falling through time.
Her mother noticed her unhappiness. One night after Souta was asleep Mrs Higurashi sat beside her daughter.
“After you were born,” she began, “I went to stay with my mother. She helped me recover and learn how to take care of a tiny little baby. While I was at my mother’s house I began to have a terrifying nightmare. In my dream I was holding you, but you kept slipping from my arms into a dark hole. When you would disappear I knew that I had lost you forever and I would cry out in my sleep. I woke up crying. I had this dream night after night. I began to dread sleeping. Finally, I told my mother about my dream. She told me that every parent fears the loss of their child, not only loss through death and tragedy but the loss of a child as they grow up. Every mother must let her child go.”
“Mama, I’m not leaving! I’m going to live here while I’m at university.”
“You don’t want to study, do you? You want to go back. When you finally returned to me I was very happy. I worried about you when you would disappear into the well, but something told me I had to let you go. Once you were really back I watched you lose your spark of energy and joy. I saw you trying so hard to do what was expected of you, to enjoy your high school years but I know you haven’t been satisfied.”
Kagome began to cry softly. “It’s true Mama, but I can’t go back, the well is closed forever.”
“Nothing is impossible. I love you very much and I want you to be happy. If you need to leave to be happy you should go.”
“But why are you saying this now?” she asked her mother.
“My dream came back last night.”
“Mama, I love him.”
“I know.”
The trees were bursting with tender green leaves. The scent of cherry and apple blossoms drifted in the air. Kagome felt a pull of energy from the well. She looked around her bedroom, at the new clothes hanging in the closet, waiting for the first day of university classes. She thought of her friends and their adult lives slowly unfolding in front of them. She thought of her family, especially her mother, who had given her permission to leave. A sense of calm and certainty took hold of her. She walked out into the courtyard and jumped into the well.