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Wu Yuce hated to see Li Xuan like this, rigid in his perfection, every movement measured and calculated until it looked as if he’d snap under the tension. It was difficult not to reach out, all he wanted to do was wrap his arms over his shoulders, dig his fingers into the muscles he knew were taut and painful, but they were in public and he couldn’t.
More to the point, Li Xuan couldn’t.
Wu Yuce hadn’t lied when he’d told Li Xuan that it didn’t matter to him whether he could hold his hand in public, that he didn’t need to shout to the world that he got to hold him, it was still true and likely always would be. But Wu Yuce wanted to be able to rub his thumbs over the ache in Li Xuan’s hands, wanted to be able to smooth a hand over his shoulder, brush his fingertips over his neck.
Li Xuan always melted at his touch, giving himself up to it almost instinctively, so much of the tension he carried sliding off him, and Wu Yuce just wished that it worked in public as well. He wished that there was something he could do for him in these moments as well.
He watched as a muscle ticked in his captain’s jaw, physically biting back what he wanted to say in response to a snide comment about the lack of awards to Void’s name. Wu Yuce had a few things he’d like to say in response to that, but instead he scribbled a note down and leant over to twist it in Li Xuan’s direction.
Are you okay?
Li Xuan wasn’t sure how to respond to the question written out in Wu Yuce’s familiar handwriting. He wanted to tell him that everything was fine, that this meeting wasn’t grinding on his already frayed nerves, that he was comfortable and relaxed in his own skin.
Unfortunately, the presence of the note indicated that he was doing an awful job of keeping himself together and that Wu Yuce could read the fatigue in the lines of his body. He pondered how to respond even as he offered a concise response to a question about the team’s training schedule.
Sometimes, sometimes when he was tired and trying to hide it, sometimes he resented Wu Yuce and the ease by which he read what was going on in his head. Even before they were together, even before they were friends, Wu Yuce looked at Li Xuan’s face and read him like a book.
It frustrated him on his bad days, made him anxious on the worse days. If Wu Yuce looked at him and read him so clearly, what could others see when they looked at him? Could they see his doubts, his fatigue and his weaknesses? Were they laid out for everyone to pick over and scrutinise? Did they pick over his softest parts and examine each fear under the light?
Li Xuan’s grip tightened on his pen and he still hadn’t answered his question. Wu Yuce wondered if it was the right thing to do, to point out how tired his captain looked under the harsh lighting. Not that anyone else seemed to notice, they’d been embroiled in this meeting about the team’s performance for three hours and no one seemed to care that it was long past time for them to eat.
Wu Yuce jotted down another note, he was paying more attention to scribbling down the outlandish things their advertising team were suggesting than anything else. If nothing else, this meeting would provide Huang Shaotian with plenty of amusement.
Li Xuan still wasn’t looking at him, he kept his gaze steady and trained on the newest presentation they were being subjected to. Wu Yuce glanced up, something about a new line of accessories based off of Carved Ghost’s design.
It wasn’t the stupidest idea that they’d ever been pitched, ever since he’d debuted it was clear that the fact that Carved Ghost was female and not male was to be capitalised on. Wu Yuce was happy to take the jokes and gentle teasing with a smile or a scoff, and since everything sold well, he was content that it was usually successful marketing.
He chanced another glance at Li Xuan, trying, for once, not to catch his captain’s eye. There was still no reply to his question, and the tension in Li Xuan’s jaw was surely going to give him a headache if he kept the pressure up. He looked away before he got distracted trying to memorise the lines of his captain’s face.
Wu Yuce refused to let himself get caught up in staring at his captain. It was true that he could lose himself in staring, especially when they were alone and he didn’t have to be aware of people noticing. Sometimes Li Xuan sat at his desk, doing something important that Wu Yuce wasn’t needed for and he was always content to luxuriate in staring at his partner.
Li Xuan would keep his focus on his work for as long as he could before he would turn to face Wu Yuce tsking at him, asking him why he was always so content to simply watch him. He’d always be smiling and so Wu Yuce would just smile back at him, never really answering beyond a hum.
His captain wasn’t smiling now and Wu Yuce missed it. It always softened his face, even if he was tired and worn, his smile would always gentle him, making him look more like Wu Yuce’s Li Xuan, instead of Void’s Captain Li Xuan.
Wu Yuce loved his captain, his partner, his Li Xuan however he could have him, but he always thought that Void’s Captain Li Xuan was the hardest on Li Xuan. It was the role that so often had him grinding under the pressure of being what the team needed, what management wanted, what the fans expected. He didn’t think Li Xuan would ever break under it, it was pressure he remained solid under, but Wu Yuce couldn’t help but feel as though it made him brittle.
Spiderweb cracks, tiny thin lines of strain that weren’t easy to see, but were a clear sign of the weight Li Xuan carried, the expectations he placed upon himself.
“—and that’s everything for today, thank you for your attention, Captain Li, Vice-Captain Wu.” Wu Yuce was abruptly made aware that the meeting had wrapped up and that Li Xuan was already halfway out of the door before he realised.
He stayed seated for a few more moments, scribbling down that Huang Shaotian was too chatty, simply to make it look like he was being a diligent vice-captain, and not that he wasn’t paying attention.
When he was mostly sure it had worked, he gathered up his things and offered a quick nod before hurrying out of the room and after Li Xuan. He checked the kitchen first and found his captain sat at the small table, watching the kettle, gaze faraway.
“Watching the water will only make it boil slower.” Li Xuan’s gaze flicked to him and Wu Yuce thought he could read censure in his gaze.
“I’m okay with that.” Wu Yuce hummed quietly, moving to grab his own pot noodle from the shelf. Not ideal, but at this point he wasn’t interested in dealing with anything more complicated.
“But are you okay?” Li Xuan’s grip around his glass tightened and Wu Yuce wondered if it was wrong to push, if he should have offered space instead. It was too late now, and he could only press on.
“Because it was so obvious I wasn’t?” There was something in Li Xuan’s tone, something that Wu Yuce couldn’t parse out, couldn’t quite place, but he knew it wasn’t good.
“Because I care about you and I thought you looked tired,” Li Xuan’s grip didn’t loosen and Wu Yuce tried again. “I was tired too, that meeting dragged.”
“It did.” When Li Xuan didn’t speak again, Wu Yuce let the silence fall, unsure what else he could say, unsure of where he’d missteped.
The kettle’s whistle started them both out of their thoughts and Wu Yuce slid Li Xuan’s pot noodle over to him, taking both in his hands. When it looked like he’d protest, Wu Yuce broke the silence, voice soft.
“Let me? Please?” Li Xuan’s brow furrowed, but he subsided, letting Wu Yuce pour the boiling water to the line, adding the seasoning packet and mixing both pots in turn before pushing it back across the table along with a pair of chopsticks.
It was quiet as they both ate, Wu Yuce didn’t know what else to say, and Li Xuan seemed lost in his own thoughts. It was quick to clear up, to wash the minimal cutlery and Li Xuan stood, pausing by the sink, clearly summoning the right words.
“I’d like,” he paused, clearly shaping the words in his mind for a moment and Wu Yuce could guess where this was going, but he didn’t want to interrupt. “I’d like to be alone tonight, I want to think.” While it didn’t come as a surprise, the words still felt like a physical blow in his chest but Wu Yuce just nodded.
“Mm, that’s no problem,” when Li Xuan looked like he was about to shift away, Wu Yuce reached out to brush his fingers over his hand briefly, wanting the touch, but mindful of Li Xuan and where they were. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning? A healthier breakfast I think after tonight.”
While it didn’t get him a laugh, it earned him a soft huff of amusement and Wu Yuce thought that it was good enough.
“I’ll see you in the morning then.” Li Xuan’s smile was wan as he slipped out of the door and Wu Yuce was fumbling for his phone the moment his hands were dry.
Wu Yuce: If you’re not too busy sucking face with your captain, I’d like to speak to you.
He slipped his phone back into his pocket and went back to his room, unsure if Huang Shaotian would want to message or to call. His friend’s whims were ever-changeable, he went through a memorable month when he simply sent voice notes to everyone and didn’t care if they were never returned.
His phone started buzzing a few minutes later and Huang Shaotian’s voice was familiar in his ear.
“Tsk, you know, if you want to message me and you want to speak to me, which makes sense, everyone wants to speak to me, it’s great to speak to me, but if you want to speak to me Vice-Captain Wu Yuce, you should start off your message more politely. As you know, I’m a vice-captain too and we have to send a lot of messages and I hope that you don’t message others like this. I can take it because of our long tested friendship but that’s my advice, be nicer to other people, they might be more delicate than I am. So what is it, what is it? It’s not a PK is it? Because I would always PK you but I’m very busy today and Wenzhou might have said no more today actually and I always listen to my captain.”
“I know for a fact that you do not always listen to Wenzhou,” before Huang Shaotian could start loudly defending himself, Wu Yuce continued, not giving him an opportunity to begin. “I just wanted to ask you about how you get Wenzhou to accept help when he’s tired.” Huang Shaotian responded with a loud laugh, but Wu Yuce could read the note of ruefulness underlying it.
“Ah, of course you come to me, I’m famous for taking good care of my captain, even if he wants to take on all the work himself.”
“It’s not even the work Shaotian,” Wu Yuce sighed, Huang Shaotian giving him time to organise his thoughts. “It’s, Li Xuan is better now, at sharing the load, it’s when he’s tired, when he’s under stress, he retreats, he doesn’t want any help with that.” Huang Shaotian’s hum was full of understanding.
“My Wenzhou was like that too, but not just him, Yu Feng was like that too, I used to say, it’s a fish thing, and we would laugh, Yu Feng’s a captain now, I hope he has someone to help him out, he deserves it.” Wu Yuce didn’t interrupt, letting his friend sort through his thoughts in his own time. “I think you can want to help, and you might even have all sorts of clever ideas that you think would help, but maybe, maybe you just have to let him come to you?”
“Is that what you and Wenzhou did?”
“I’m easy, I’ve always been easy to read, I say everything that ever comes across my mind, it’s always easy to know me.” Wu Yuce knew that what Huang Shaotian was saying wasn’t true, but he stayed silent, knowing it wasn’t the time. “But Wenzhou, he likes to handle things himself, even now, he’s always ready to take on his problems alone. I think he prefers it that way, when the problems aren’t to do with the team.”
“Do you let him?”
“Aiyah, do you really think I can stop my Wenzhou?” Huang Shaotian’s laugh was bright with mirth, “I do let him sometimes, but I offer before he goes, just in case. And if he’s overthinking himself into a big knot of tangled thoughts I always go over and try to help.”
“I should have offered tonight, I just let him go.”
“Maybe that’s what he needed.” Huang Shaotian’s words were quiet but they stuck, and Wu Yuce hummed to acknowledge them as he took them in.
“Maybe it is. Thanks Shaotian.”
“Anytime, anytime, if Wenzhou asks though, you tell him I never went near Glory with you, promise promise?”
“I promise.” Huang Shaotian hung up with a cheery farewell, extracting a promise for them to go out to dinner after their next match, with Wu Yuce also promising to pay. He made a mental note to play up his junior status the next time they met up, it usually worked.
Wu Yuce thought about what Huang Shaotian said as he got ready for bed and told himself that next time he’d offer but not push. If Li Xuan wanted and needed space then Wu Yuce could give that to him.
Li Xuan felt terrible.
His jaw ached and he had a headache throbbing at his temples, making everything feel much worse. He wanted Wu Yuce. He didn’t want Wu Yuce to see him like this. He wanted…
Li Xuan flipped over onto his back and glared at the ceiling. He was the one who’d asked for space, he was the one who thought he needed the time to himself to bring himself back into an equilibrium but he felt worse somehow.
Wu Yuce had only been concerned after all, the furrow in his brow, the way his voice had gone slightly softer, the way it had when Ge Zhaolan’s cat had died last year and he’d been trying to tough out training.
Wu Yuce’s hand had been so gentle on his shoulder and his voice had been quiet when he told him to take the day. It had been exactly what Ge Zhaolan had needed and Li Xuan had nodded at him, content.
Sometimes the soft tone was exactly what Li Xuan wanted, the softness that he could sink into until he felt less fragile. It made him feel like he wouldn’t crack, that no more weight was being offered, just comfort.
On other days it made him feel weak, as if Wu Yuce was looking at every insecurity and anxiety, and decided that he couldn’t carry them. That Li Xuan would snap, fragile and brittle, the tension too much. And Li Xuan hated that.
It made him itch, made him want to challenge Wu Yuce, made him want to force him to admit that he thought Li Xuan couldn’t handle what life offered him. It was irrational, Li Xuan knew this, and he knew that Wu Yuce didn’t think that, that he cared and loved him and that was why worry creased at his brow.
Knowing never made it easier to handle the emotions when they rose.
And while right now Li Xuan didn’t want his softness, he still wanted Wu Yuce. He wanted the way he’d carefully press his fingers into his scalp, soothing away the worst of the aches, a steady, solid presence.
He loved to return the favour, feeling the weight of Wu Yuce’s hands in his own, the lemon scented oil they used. The way Wu Yuce would press up against him, seeking out his touch as he massaged the aches in his hands.
Li Xuan just wanted. But he’d asked for space. He glared up at the ceiling some more.
He had to talk to Wu Yuce tomorrow.
Wu Yuce is already at breakfast when he spots Li Xuan stepping into the dining room. He thinks for a moment about how Huang Shaotian will react when he sees someone important to him, the explosion of energy, the waving, how he’ll call out to catch their attention, excited and unafraid to show it.
Even if he can’t explode into energy, he’ll still wave, always a little wave, and then he’ll spend his time bouncing on his heels until he can give a proper greeting. It’s not like Wu Yuce wants to give Li Xuan a Huang Shaotian greeting, but the thought makes him smile, and he is pleased to see Li Xuan.
Li Xuan takes his seat as he always does and they eat in silence for a few moments, humming quietly, each of them lost in their own thoughts. The low chatter of their teammates is enough and breakfast passes peacefully.
Before Wu Yuce can stand and leave with the rest of the team, Li Xuan meets his eyes and Wu Yuce keeps his seat, taking another sip of his nearly empty cup, prolonging his breakfast for a few moments.
“Come to my room after practice? I’d like to talk to you about something.” Wu Yuce just nodded, knowing that Li Xuan doesn’t need anything more than that.
Practice runs smoothly, Li Xuan tweaking Tang Lisheng’s coordination for a new formation that they’re trying out. Li Xuan isn’t sure about it, thinking that it leaves them stretched too thin, and he’s been putting off using it, waiting for the right time.
While Wu Yuce thinks it would make no difference if it was used against Tyranny or Parade, but then if he thinks there’s no difference, it’s best to wait for the right time, whenever that may be.
After practice Wu Yuce slipped into Li Xian’s room, settling himself on the bed while Li Xuan remained standing, nervous energy radiating off him. They sat in silence for a while and Wu Yuce tried to calculate if this was Li Xuan gathering his thoughts, or if he didn’t want to open the conversation.
Just as he was about to break the silence, Li Xuan spoke.
“I wanted to apologise for last night.” Wu Yuce frowned, of everything he expected Li Xuan to talk to him about, it wasn't this.
“Why? I don’t think you did anything to apologise for.” Wu Yuce had always been easy for Li Xuan to read once they started to become close and he could see the confusion furrowing his brow. It unknotted the part of him that still felt awful that he’d walked away the night before.
“I just, I wasn’t fair to you last night, I was sharp and you didn’t deserve that. I know I don’t have to apologise for wanting space, but I went about it the wrong way, you were just worried about me.”
“I just thought you were tired. It didn’t bother me.”
“Why do you do that?” Wu Yuce blinked in surprise but Li Xuan wasn't done. “Why do you minimise it when I’ve been unfair to you?”
“Because last night I pushed you, I don’t know what I did wrong, but I know that I should have given you space sooner.”
“I should have spoken to you sooner, sometimes I forget you can’t read my mind.” Li Xuan smiled as Wu Yuce huffed out a rueful laugh. “I’ll ask for space sooner next time, I promise.”
“Do you always want space? Or is it that I’m just not helping in the right way?” Wu Yuce didn’t want to leave it like this, maybe Li Xuan truly did just want space when he was stressed and upset. But something told him that he was missing something, that there was something else that would make it all make sense.
Li Xian’s startled expression told him that he was right, that there was more to this than him pushing when Li Xuan had wanted space.
“I— it’s not that you— I don’t think—“ Li Xuan’s frown furrowed his brow as he tried to start speaking, tried to find the right words, but he couldn’t. Wu Yuce wasn't sure how to help, so he stayed quiet, waiting for Li Xuan.
“It’s not that I think you aren’t helping in the right way, it’s the, it’s the tone sometimes that bothers me.”
“My tone? I’m not being kind? Or you think I’m looking down on you?”
“No!” Li Xuan surprised himself with his vehemence but he was glad for it when some of the tension left Wu Yuce’s frame. “It isn’t something that you’re doing wrong, I just, it just doesn’t work for me.”
“What is it? What is it I’m doing that doesn’t work?”
“It’s when you’re soft with me.” Wu Yuce’s expression flickered and Li Xuan thought that he looked wounded before he schooled his features again.
“I don’t…I don’t know what you mean?”
“I like it when you hold me, I like it when you’re close when I’m not feeling good but I don’t need you to speak to me gently, I’m not, I’m not fragile and it’s not, sometimes I just don’t want you to be soft with me.”
“I just like knowing that you’re being taken care of, that when you’re tired or stressed that I can help even if it’s only a little bit.”
“You do help! It’s always good when you’re there for me, and I tell you if I need space instead.”
“But my tone isn’t right?”
“You can be…gentle, endlessly understanding and soft and sometimes it just makes me feel weak, like you think I’m fragile or breakable.”
“I don’t, I promise, I just, even if you don’t need me, I know you don’t need me to be there, but I like to be there, however you want me.”
“I always want you when I’m tired or stressed, I always want you Yuce, I just…sometimes I don’t know how to take the softness.” Wu Yuce hummed softly, gaze steady and thoughtful.
“I can try and not speak to you like that, if that’s what you need, and you can tell me if you need the softness as well.”
At this, Li Xuan smiled at him, and Wu Yuce couldn’t help but think that he looked more like himself again, less brittle and strained. He slid off the bed to cross the room and wrap his arms around Li Xuan, craving his warmth.
When Li Xuan’s arms slid around his shoulders, Wu Yuce hummed in contentment, thinking that if this is all Li Xuan needed from him that he could give it easily.
“So, Void is moving into tactics beyond dual-linking boundaries?” The reporter almost seemed bored as he asked the question, only half out of his seat, to Li Xuan’s frustration.
“As any team, Void will adapt to—“ Li Xuan was cut off when the reporter coughed, interrupting.
“Ah, apologies, I was hoping to get Vice-Captain Wu’s thoughts.” Wu Yuce’s gaze flicked to Li Xuan immediately, noting the way his jaw tightened at the words. He didn’t say a word, waiting until Li Xuan gestured at him, ceding the floor to him.
“As Captain Li would say, Void is like any other team in the Glory Pro Alliance, we all adapt to different opponents. Tyranny blends their tactics with their aggressive approach, there’s always a way to adapt and grow.”
Li Xuan’s fatigue is easy to read in the slump of his shoulders, the way his fingers curl around his pen, tension clear in the way his muscles flex. Wu Yuce wanted to catch his eye and offer a smile, or a hum, but then another reporter was standing, demanding their attention.
“Vice-Captain Wu, do you think there’s a weakness in Void regarding tactics?” Wu Yuce let his gaze flick over to Li Xuan again, waiting for the nod, unsure of how he wanted to respond, what he wanted to do about this new press tactic. He couldn’t read much more than the tension in his captain’s jaw, but he still got another small gesture, telling him to answer.
“It’s not a secret that other teams have the players who have been dubbed tacticians, but reading a match is something every pro learns, even if the media or the fans don’t grant us the title.” There was a smattering of polite laughter, but Wu Yuce can’t help but think that they were fishing for something else from them.
“How does Void think about their chances in the playoffs this season?” Wu Yuce refused to answer right away, and he’s glad that he didn’t when Li Xuan spoke.
“It’s always difficult to say how our team will fare, but that’s an answer that any team would give about the future. Void continues to grow and adapt to changes in the alliance and we’re confident we will continue to improve.” There’s a brief beat of silence before another reporter speaks.
“And Vice-Captain Wu? What do you think about Void’s chances in the playoffs this season?” Wu Yuce fought the urge to stand and leave. He wasn’t sure what this new strategy of addressing every question to him was supposed to achieve, but he hated it. He considered refusing to answer, after all, Li Xuan had already answered, what else could he say, but Lu Xuan’s eyes flicked over to him and Wu Yuce pressed down on his temper.
“As Captain Li already mentioned, there is little to say at this time, we’re only halfway through the regular season, who can predict further? Void strives to grow and adapt to any changes within the alliance, improving all the while.” Fortunately, the interview came to an end after that and Wu Yuce knew his smile had too many teeth showing, but he didn’t care at this point.
The ride back to the club was quiet, their teammates chatting softly amongst themselves and Li Xuan held himself upright and pointedly away from Wu Yuce. He wanted to reach out, to curl their fingers together, but he gripped the hem of his jacket instead, it wasn't the time or place.
Even if Li Xuan looked tense enough that he might snap under the strain. Even if his captain looked as brittle as he’d ever seen him. Wu Yuce kept his gaze on the road, knowing that Li Xuan wanted him to wait.
The team clambered off the bus, scattering to their rooms, and Wu Yuce lets his fingers brush against Li Xuan’s wrist. He watched as his captain’s shoulders relaxed slightly and he waited for Li Xuan to break the silence.
“I don’t need your softness Yuce, just you.” Wu Yuce nodded, gaze heavy as he mulled over their conversation from a few weeks ago.
“Do you want a drink?” When Li Xuan nodded, Wu Yuce detoured to the kitchen, grabbing one of Li Xuan’s favoured herbal tea mixtures while waiting for the water to boil.
The distraction helps, stops him from dwelling on the words he wants to say, the reassurances he wants to give. They sit heavy on the tip of his tongue and Wu Yuce can feel the shape of them, but he swallowed them back.
He asked Li Xuan what he needed and Li Xuan told him. Even if his instincts wanted to tell him that what the reporters were doing was ridiculous, that they were clearly trying some new tactic, if Li Xuan wanted nothing but his company, then that was what Wu Yuce could give him.
Once they’re back in Li Xuan’s room, the mug went on the bedside table and Wu Yuce curled himself up behind Li Xuan, relishing in the shape of his body against his. It’s achingly familiar, the familiar feel of Li Xuan soothing, easing the part of Wu Yuce that still wanted to break the silence.
He slid one hand under Li Xuan’s shirt, seeking out the warmth of his skin and tracing mindless shapes, over and over, the motion calming for both of them. Wu Yuce shifted slightly to press a kiss to the back of Li Xuan’s neck, lingering, content with where he was.
Li Xuan hummed softly at the touch, feeling the ever present itch under his skin quieten. He’d always felt comforted in Wu Yuce’s hold, the steadiness of his hands reassuring, and he enjoys having him at his back, comforting.
The silence was good too. There’s no requirement for him to speak, to unravel the tangled knot of emotions in his chest. Bitterness, frustration, jealousy, none of it mattered in this moment. Like this, held and warm, Li Xuan found that he doesn’t have to worry about the world and its perceptions, it’s just him and Wu Yuce.
“I can accept this,” Li Xuan thought to himself, he thought that this was something from Wu Yuce that didn't leave him feeling overexposed and raw. There’s nothing he needed to try and explain, nothing that Wu Yuce was trying to fix, he could simply relax into Wu Yuce’s hold and not think about everything, even if it won’t last forever.
The comfort settled on his bones, leaving him content to doze, shifting slightly to press more of himself against the familiar curve of Wu Yuce.
Wu Yuce could feel when Li Xuan drifts off, his breathing got deeper and more even. It relaxed him, the knowledge that Li Xuan’s mind had slowed, the ever present thrum of thoughts easing off enough for him to rest.
He’d worried that he hadn’t been doing what Li Xuan needed of him, thought that it wasn’t enough, but with Li Xuan asleep in his arms, maybe this was enough for him.
Wu Yuce could feel the tension and the brittleness bleed out of Li Xuan and Wu Yuce felt as though he could breathe again. He had his captain, relaxed and comforted in his arms, and the knowledge that Li Xuan felt better than he did warmed Wu Yuce through, and he found himself drifting off as well, Li Xuan safe in his arms.