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The night Rin died, Kakashi felt part of him die with her.
Obito had seen. Kakashi had struggled to fight the chakra drain that wanted to drag him under while Obito cradled Rin’s still–warm body, blood still spilling from the gaping wound. He hadn’t won.
When he woke up in the hospital, Obito wasn’t there. Rin wasn’t there. Minato–sensei wasn’t there, and neither was Kushina. Instead he was greeted by the head of T&I, interrogating him on just what the hell had happened. Kakashi told his story, recovered from the chakra drain, and went home a day later.
He stayed home. He ignored the visits from Gai, wanting to have a competition. He ignored all of his friends. He even ignored the shinobi that came to lecture him about his lack of duty, and that he was still on the jonin roster and had a job to do. Kakashi sat on the other side of the door, head in his hands, tears streaming down his cheeks.
He couldn’t handle it. Obito was back, which was amazing, but Rin had still died. Rin, who had been there like no one else had after Obito’s death. Rin, who’d held him in his arms as he confessed to her the depths of his feelings for Obito, and that those feelings were part of the reason why he couldn’t return hers.
She had become a true friend during the two years Obito had been gone. They’d had meals together, told stories of Obito, and became best friends. They had become family.
And then, when he refused to kill her, she’d gone ahead and done it herself on his hand. She’d jumped in front of his chidori like nothing else mattered, like she didn’t know how her death would affect him.
Then Obito appeared and killed all of the Kiri nin that had surrounded them. And then they went home, and Kakashi was alone.
He was alone. He’d been alone for so long, for so many days.
Obito hadn’t come to see him.
Kakashi couldn’t blame him. He wouldn’t. He deserved to be hated, to be forgotten, to be left behind. He was a weapon for the village, for his team, but what use was a blade that was broken? What use was a broken shinobi? He had lost so much already. He wasn’t sure how much more he could take.
He loved Obito. He missed him. He wanted to see him, but he wouldn’t go. He didn’t think Obito would want to see him, to look into the eyes of the person who killed the one person Obito had ever loved.
Even if he did come, Kakashi didn’t think he would answer the door. He couldn’t look himself in the mirror anymore, even with the mask, so he wasn’t sure how anyone else could look at him. He was a broken shell of the person he used to be, something that even the most skilled of hands could ever hope to fix.
He was trying to sleep on the couch, now. He hadn’t had any success in his bed, but the couch wasn’t looking any better. Even the comfort of his favorite sweatshirt and sweatpants didn’t seem to help. That was when he heard a knock on the door.
Kakashi got up, pulled the hood over his head, and crossed over to the door. He lifted himself onto his toes to look out the eye hole, then sighed when he saw who it was.
Kakashi pulled open the door. Kushina looked back with a small smile on her face that quickly disappeared when she saw the look on Kakashi’s. He looked away.
“Kakashi, you don’t look well.” She said, concern coloring her voice. He wasn’t sure how that was possible, how she could be concerned about someone who had just killed one of his best friends. “Have you been eating?”
“Yeah.” Kakashi said, his voice scratchy from disuse. It was the truth, but whatever he’d managed to get down came right back up. He wasn’t sure if that counted.
Kushina reached out as if to touch him, and Kakashi quickly stepped back, eyes hooded with shame. Kushina’s hand froze in the air, then fell back to her side at his reaction. She cleared her throat when it was obvious Kakashi wasn’t going to speak. “It’s been a few days since… Obito came back,” She said softly, like Kakashi was something broken. He supposed he was. “We were giving you space, but I think you’ve had enough of that. Why don’t you come over for dinner tonight?”
Kakashi slipped his hands into his sweatshirt pocket, fighting back tears. He wasn’t sure why he felt like crying. “Would that be okay?” He asked, his voice breaking. He wouldn’t meet her eyes, but if he had, he would’ve seen the heartbreak in them.
“Of course it’s okay.” She said softly, her voice trembling slightly. “Can I hug you, Kakashi?”
Kakashi bit his lip. He felt the tears in his eyes spill over, felt himself nod, then took a step forward and met Kushina’s embrace. Kakashi buried his face in her shoulder and Kushina wrapped her arms around Kakashi’s. He tried to cover up the fact that tears were once again flowing freely down his cheeks, and Kushina didn’t comment.
Kushina was the first to pull away. Kakashi reluctantly let her go. “Dinner’s gonna be in an hour, okay?” She said, resting her hands on Kakashi’s shoulders. “Do you want me to wait for you to get ready, or do you want me to meet you there?”
Kakashi wiped at his cheeks with the back of his hand. “I can come with you now. But I don’t… I don’t really want to get dressed.”
Kushina smiled as much as she could. “That’s okay, you don’t need to.” She said, and at that, Kakashi dipped back inside his apartment and grabbed his keys, and then they made their way across the village to Kushina and Minato–sensei’s house.
—
Kushina pushed the door open for Kakashi and followed him inside. Kakashi kicked off his shoes in the genkan, then arranged them in line with the other shoes. He noticed an extra pair tucked away in the corner, but ignored them. He was too tired to do anything, really.
Kakashi entered the house, noticing Minato–sensei at the stove. He passed the kitchen and entered the living room, and–
“Hey, Kakashi.” Obito said from his place on the couch. He had dark circles under his eyes, much like Kakashi did, and wore a small, hesitant smile. “I was… I was gonna come over, at some point, but I–”
Kakashi’s hands were shaking. It was the only thing he could focus on. That, and the heavy beating of his heart.
Kakashi turned on his heel and left the room, taking heavy steps as he went. He passed the kitchen, catching the attention of Kushina and Minato–sensei, and heard the pursuing footsteps of Obito.
“Hey, wait, Kakashi–”
Kakashi took a sharp left into the bathroom, then locked the door behind him. He slid down the door until he was sitting, then wrapped his arms around his legs.
His breaths were coming in sharp and quick, but somehow it felt hard to breathe. Tears blurred his vision, and he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t breathe, and he felt like he was choking on his tears. Maybe he was.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Kakashi thought, his whole body trembling. I didn’t mean to kill her. I didn’t want to kill her. She was my friend, and I killed her, and you hate me, and I’m sorry.
“Kakashi, wait, let’s talk about this–”
It should’ve been me. Kakashi thought, or maybe screamed. He wasn’t sure. I should’ve died at Kannabi, then I wouldn't have killed her. Obito should’ve let me die. I didn’t want to kill her. I should be dead instead of her. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to do this anymore. I should’ve killed myself right after. I should be dead instead of her. Why can’t I just die?
“Don’t say that, Bakashi, I can’t lose you too–”
“Kakashi, sweetheart, please–”
“Can you open the door, Kakashi? We want to help–”
Kakashi pushed up his sleeves and scratched. He dug his nails into his skin, did it over and over until his skin was raw, dried skin and blood under his untrimmed nails. He slammed the back of his head into the door, still trembling, still crying.
Just let me die. Please just let me die. I don’t want to live anymore. It should’ve been me, why couldn’t it have been me? I didn’t mean to kill her. I didn’t want to kill her. I didn’t want her to die. He thought as blood started to drip down and stain the tile floor. His vision was starting to go dark, but he couldn’t stop his racing mind. Obito should’ve killed me. I deserve to be killed. Why hasn’t anyone tried to kill me? Why haven’t I tried?
“I’m not going to kill you, Kakashi, stop saying that–”
“Minato, get the key, the key, where is it–”
“Kushina, here, open the door–”
Kakashi choked on his breath, sobbing loudly, and his vision finally went out just as the door opened and he saw Obito’s tear–stained face.
—
Kakashi woke up slowly. He felt a hand on his head, fingers running through his hair.
He was in a bed, laying on his side. He was warm. He could feel bandages on his left forearm, skin burning slightly. His memory, piece by piece, came back to him.
He was holding someone’s hand. His eyes fluttered open, and saw the painted nails. It was Kushina.
The hand on his head stilled. “Kakashi, are you with us?”
Kakashi felt tears well in his eyes. He pressed his head against Kushina’s hip. “I’m sorry.” He whispered, and gripped her hand tightly.
Kushina gripped his hand just as hard. “Don’t apologize, honey, it’s okay.”
Kakashi sniffled. “Did I ruin dinner?”
Kushina huffed out a tearful laugh. “Don’t worry about that, okay? You have nothing to worry about.” She said, moving her hand to wipe his tears away.
Kakashi trembled, trying to hold his breath to stop his tears. He’d cried enough for a lifetime today.
“You don’t have to hold back.” Kushina said softly. “You can cry. It’s okay.”
So Kakashi did. He sobbed silently until he had nothing left, until his body went still. He wiped his nose with his sleeve, then held Kushina’s hand once more.
“Obito wants to talk to you,” Kushina offered after a while, and Kakashi froze. “He hasn’t seen you in a long time.”
Kakashi sniffled. “Is he mad at me?”
Kushina ran her fingers through his hair again. “No. He’s scared about your panic attack, and worried about you.”
“No.” Kakashi said. “About Rin.”
Kushina sighed. “He was at first, but he understands what happened on your mission. He just really wants to talk to you now.”
Kakashi debated on it for a while, thinking hard. His throat was still stuffy with emotion, and he was sure the waterworks could start up again. But he missed Obito, hadn’t seen him since the events of the Kannabi Bridge Mission and then Rin’s death. He wanted to see him, but was afraid of what he would say.
After a long moment, he spoke. “Okay.” He whispered.
“Yeah?” Kushina asked, and Kakashi nodded. “Okay, I’ll call for him.” She said, then covered Kakashi’s ears with her hands. She yelled for him, then pulled her hands away, and before Kakashi knew it the bedroom door was creaking open.
“Kushina?” Obito asked, and Kakashi curled himself closer to Kushina. “Is he…”
“He wants to hear what you have to say.” Kushina said, and Kakashi took rapid breaths. He wasn’t sure if he could do this. He was terrified, scared to death of this.
“Okay.” Obito said, and Kakashi heard him take a few steps closer. “Kakashi.” He addressed him, then swallowed hard. “Please don’t kill yourself.” He said, voice breaking.
Kakashi’s head was pounding. His body was still trembling, and he still had a death grip on Kushina’s hand. “Okay.” He said, voice shaky. He meant it, for the most part.
“I mean it.” Obito said weakly, and Kakashi could hear the heartbreak in his voice. “I can’t lose you too.”
At that, Kakashi was reminded of their third teammate, the one they’d both lost. “I’m sorry about Rin.” Kakashi said carefully, “I didn’t mean to– to kill her. I know you loved her, so I… I bet you hate me now.”
“I could never hate you.” Obito said softly, approaching until he was at the side of the bed. “And… While I was away, I realized that I thought of her more as a sister. I loved her, of course I did, but not like that.”
“Oh.” Kakashi said. He didn’t know what to make of this new information, but his cheeks were slowly drying.
“Do you want me to give you some space?” Kushina asked carefully. “I think you two have some things to talk about.”
The room went quiet. Eventually, Obito spoke. “Kakashi, is that okay?”
Kakashi bit his lip, noticing that his mask had somehow stayed on through everything. He nodded.
“Okay.” Kushina nodded, then slowly stood up. “Let me know if you need anything.” She said, then rounded the bed and left, closing the door behind her. Kakashi still had his back to Obito, and he wanted to turn around, but he wasn’t sure Obito would want to look him in the eyes. He wasn’t sure if he could handle that.
After a while, Obito spoke. “Can I sit down?”
Kakashi nodded. He felt Obito sit down at the end of the bed, barely even sitting. His feet were still on the ground, holding himself up.
Hesitantly, Kakashi turned around. He glanced at Obito, if only for a second. “You can sit up here.” Kakashi said, nodding to the head of the bed. “I don’t mind.”
Obito swallowed. “You sure?”
Kakashi sniffled. “Yeah.”
And so Obito moved, sitting with his back to the headboard with his legs stretched out in front of him. Kushina had sat the same way, but this time, Kakashi felt like they were miles and miles apart.
Obito was the first to break the silence. “You really scared me. Us. With the panic attack. And all the blood.”
Kakashi rested his hand on his bandaged forearm. “Sorry.”
“It’s okay.” Obito said, picking at his cuticles and keeping his eyes far away from him. “Just… Don’t hurt yourself again.”
Kakashi thought about all the scars on his legs from the habit he’d picked up during Obito’s absence. He wasn’t sure if he could make that promise.
Obito’s eyes flicked over to him when Kakashi didn’t answer. When he didn’t meet his gaze, Obito’s expression crumpled. “That wasn’t your first time hurting yourself.” He said, more of a statement than a question.
Kakashi kept his eyes down. “Won’t be the last, either.” He admitted quietly.
“Oh.” Obito said, his hands falling into his lap. “Will you at least tell me when you… Y’know. So I can help you, if you need it?”
Kakashi blinked. “You want to see me more?”
Obito coughed. “I mean, I want to spend time with you, outside of patching you up.” He said, his cheeks turning pink. “You’re still my best friend.”
Kakashi felt his own cheeks heat up, despite everything. “You’re my best friend, too.”
They fell back into silence. Obito scratched at the back of his neck. “So, are we okay?”
Kakashi took a breath. “Yeah, we’re okay.”