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Once upon a time, there was a guy named Link. Only Link can defeat Ganon. Link’s family died in a tragic accident when he was six years old, so he’s been living on his own ever since. Link liked fighting monsters and listening to Fall Out Boy. He was getting a bachelor's degree in Monster Fighting at Hyrule School. All of the other students at Hyrule School made fun of him for his taste in music and bullied him relentlessly.
“I bet you smell like stinky poo poo because you listen to Fall Out Boy!!!” one of his classmates jeered at him.
This made Link sad. He didn’t smell like stinky poo poo! The only person that smelled like stinky poo poo in all of Hyrule was the King, Michael Romance. No one liked him, especially the Gerudo king, Ganondorf. Ganondorf was a Falling in Reverse fan, which meant he was irredeemably evil. Only evil people listened to Falling in Reverse. Ganondorf hated the King because he had a situationship with him at Warped Tour 2005.
There was an ancient legend Link heard once: If you said Ronnie Radke into the mirror three times at 12:00 AM, you would turn into an evil beast like a Lynel or a Bokoblin. Link wondered if that was where all of the monsters in Hyrule came from. Was Ronnie Radke the root of all evil?
Some random Hylian named Peter also was a part of “the Incident” during Warped Tour 2005, and kept writing poetry about the King and mailing it to the castle for ten years straight. Micheal had to get five restraining orders to stop Peter from sending him his stupid love poems.
Peter lived in Kakariko Village with his best friend Patrick. Patrick and Peter were in a band together called Fall Out Boy. Their music was not very good, but they were popular with the youths. Link went to one of their concerts once but they had to cancel it halfway through because a bunch of monsters showed up and killed like six people. Ever since then, Link vowed to become a powerful hero that could protect the members of Fall Out Boy from the treacherous monsters of Hyrule.
Link was solemnly walking home from Hyrule School one day when he accidentally bumped into someone on the road.
“I'm Jensen Ackles and I need your help,” the guy said in a deep, testoronely voice.
Link looked at him confusedly and tried to explain he had to be mistaken, and that he was talking to the wrong guy. Jensen Ackles, however, was dead set on recruiting Link on some sort of quest to save his long lost lover Misha Collins. They had gotten into a heated argument about whether Petekey or Peterick was the inferior Pete Wentz ship. Jensen firmly believed that Peterick was the superior ship. Misha disagreed.
After hours of bickering, Misha stormed off, and that was the last Jensen saw of him. This was about a week ago. Link did not care. Link was hungry for tamales. Link asked Jensen Ackles if he knew how to make tamales. Jensen Ackles said he didn’t, but Misha did. Jensen missed Misha’s tamales, and Misha. Link agreed to help find Misha if he made him some tamales after they found him.
It was getting late, and Link needed to get inside before the monsters got him. Monsters were only a problem if you listened to Fall Out Boy. The monsters could detect the based aura radiating off of Link. This was because he listened to Fall Out Boy. Jensen Ackles asked Link if he wanted to stay over at his house, kind of like a slumber party. Jensen Ackles said that Patrick Stump and Gerard Way were going to be there. Link had always dreamed of meeting Gerard Way so he accepted his offer. Jensen Ackled.
On the way to his house, Link asked him who his favorite band was. Jensen thought about the question for a while before settling on Lemon Demon. Link was stunned. Lemon Demon? Link thought Jensens answer would be something like Pearl Jam, not Lemon Demon. Jensen’s favorite Lemon Demon song was New Way Out because he liked the Japanese in it. He said it made him feel super epic. He would rock out with Misha whenever it came on in his Spotify playlist. Link’s favorite Lemon Demon song was Ben Bernanke. Link liked the way Neil talked in the song. It made him feel things.
After a fair bit of walking, Link and Jensen finally arrived at the Gamer Pad around midnight. The Gamer Pad was located deep in the Faron Woods. The Gamer Pad was a large structure with both Hylian and Zoran architectural inspirations; There were large vines growing over many parts of the Gamer Pad, as if the forest was slowly swallowing it whole.
Link could see Patrick and Gerard playing Wii Party U through the window. Link wondered whether they had brought the Wii U or if it was Jensen’s. Maybe it was Misha’s.
Link made a mental note to ask later.
Inside the Gamer Pad was a large foyer area that led to the living room where Gerard and Patrick were. There was also an open-plan kitchen to the left of the living room where Misha made his tamales. Link wanted those tamales so goddamn bad. Link needed to find Misha.
Link played Wii Party U with Gerard Way and Patrick Stump and Jensen Ackles for a long time. Link did not like Wii Party U. It was a poorly designed game. It made his head hurt.
Gerard violently threw his Wiimote at the wall.
“FRICK THIS GAME oh my god when misha gets back im gonna kick his ass he needs to get more games on this thing besides Wii Party U im going to go insane.”
Patrick nods in agreement.
“yeah like maybe splatoon or twilight princess hd or pikmin 3….”
Beer in hand, Jensen returns to the living room in the middle of this riveting discussion.
He flops down onto the couch in between Gee and Patrick. “Hey. Do NOT diss Wii Party U. This game is a freakin masterwork of art.”
Gerard scoffs. “nuh uh”
“Yeah huh,” Jensen replies.
Gerard and Jensen fight about Wii Party U. Link does not care. Link turns to Patrick in an attempt to escape the conversation.
Link and Patrick talked about Pete Wentz. Patrick said that Pete made him feel things, like how Link felt when he listened to Ben Bernanke by Lemon Demon.
Patrick was sad because Peter had his heart set on the King, Michael Romance. Patrick asked Link to tell Peter he loved him if he saw him on his travels. Link asked Jensen if he knew where Misha could have gone. Jensen said that he was probably staying in the Zora Domain with Prince Sidon, his best friend.
Link bid his farewells to the residents of the Gamer Pad and began his trek to the Zora Domain. He had a long way to walk, so he pulled out his Sheikah Slate and started bustin down to some sick beats as he walked across Hyrule. The sick beats, in question, being Fall Out Boy’s first studio album, Take This To Your Grave. It was Link’s favorite Fall Out Boy album.
Link stopped in Kakariko Village to get some snacks when he saw Pete Wentz in the self-checkout line in the convenience store. Pete had a six pack of beer in his hand. Link was alarmed by the fact his idol was day drinking , and asked him if he was okay.
“Micheal keeps rejecting my love for him,” Pete starts to break down, right in the middle of the self-checkout line. “I know it’s- it’s been over ten years, but…” His voice cracks. “I just- I- God. The- the way he makes me feel- I keep sending him my stupid poems and I know- I know that he’ll never read them and that he doesn’t care but-”
Pete slumps against the register, causing an eruption of bleeps and bloops from the scanners and sensors. A few customers turn their heads in response to the commotion coming from the self-checkout aisle.
“He meant- he means the world to me. God- I wish I could just let him go, but I can't, man. It's not healthy. The- the way Patrick looks at me sometimes like i’m beyond saving, like i'm more of a burden to carry than a friend-”
Pete starts to cry.
Link is unsure how to continue approaching this situation. God, maybe Misha was right. This Petekey stuff gets serious .
Pete’s face was getting slightly red from crying. Red…. like the inside of a tamale, Link thought to himself. Damn. He needs to get back on track to the Zora Domain. To find Misha.
“hyahhhhh huh hyah ha huhhhhh hyahhhhh!!!!”
Link makes a weary face at Pete.
“Wha- Misha Collins is missing?” Pete wipes his eyes and tries his best to present himself as if he was in fact, not just having a breakdown about Michael Romance.
Link nods. “hyah”
The Wentz sighs. “Him and Jensen were fighting over RPF again, weren’t they?”
Link makes an affirmative noise.
“And Patrick is over at Jensen’s with Gee…?” Pete seems distant for a moment after he mentions his BFF 5EVER.
Link suddenly remembers the mission Patrick gave him. If he delivers this letter of love, Pete will join him on his quest to find Misha. This will help him get his tamales.
Link breathes out deeply, preparing himself to deliver Patrick’s message of undying love to Pete.
“huhhh….. hyah hah hah yhahhh hyahh HYAH!!”
Pete just stands there, shellshocked.
He shifts a bit uncomfortably. “Are you serious?”
Link nods.
“Huh.”
Pete Wentz has joined your party!
Pete and Link walk out of the convenience store and head towards the Kakariko Village exit. Just as they were approaching the village gates, Rodimus Prime from Transformers sped down the road and transformed in front of them, leaving a trail of smoke in his wake.
Pete was surprised and took a hasty step back, almost tripping over Link. “Rodimus Prime from Transformers???”
“In da flesh, baby,” Rodimus chuckles. “Or, well, metal, to be accurate. Heh.”
Link looks up at the large mechanical creature with disdain. Link does not like this man. Link grabs Pete’s arm and drags him down the road, away from Rodimus and his unpleasant aura.
Rodimus kicks some rocks. “So like… Uh.. I was wondering if-” He pauses, realizing Link and Pete were walking away. “You guys are going to the Zora Domain to return Misha Collins to the Gamer Pad, right?”
Link sighs. Pete stops and turns around. “Uh- yeah? Why do you keep following us?”
“The trek to the Zora Domain is like, what- three days on foot? Misha might be long gone by then. I could give you guys a lift and get you there within thirty minutes-”
Link turns to face Rodimus and glares up at him.
“hyah hah hyuyhahhhahhh hayhh faggot hyhahhh huh hyah hya HAH HYAH”
Pete and Rodimus fall silent, mouths agape, staring at Link.
The bassist and main songwriter of Fall Out Boy is absolutely floored. “Where in all of Hyrule did you learn those words, man?”
Rodimus is equally as shocked. “You can’t just go around calling people that! What the hell is wrong with you? I was just tryna help you guys out- I didn't have an ulterior motive or anything-”
Link makes a suspicious face at Rodimus. He’s about 15 feet taller than him, but that doesn’t intimidate Link. He's taken on bigger guys before. he’s defeated Ganon . Rodimus is nothing . Moral of the story, Link doesn’t trust this robotic 20 foot tall condiment colored jerk one bit. Just look at him. There's gotta be an ulterior motive; sinister or not.
“Ok. Fine.” Rodimus reaches into the bag slung across his chest and retrieves a CD jewel case, handing it to Pete. “I have this first-edition copy of Fall Out Boy’s fourth studio album Folie a Deux (released in 2008) that I really wanted him to sign. When- When I heard he was missing, I was afraid I would never get the chance.”
Pete fiddles with the CD case.
“So…?”
“You’re like, friends with Misha, right? I thought, maybe, "If I helped you rescue him, you could get him to sign this CD for me.”
Oh. That was kind of anticlimactic. He’s just a loser.
This will help Link get his tamales.
Link nods at Pete, signaling his acceptance of Rodimus’s offer.
“Uh, Link says you can join us.”
Rodimus makes a thumbs up and flashes a smile at the two before transforming into his altmode, a sleek modern sports car. It sticks out like a sore thumb compared to the relatively rustic aesthetic of Kakariko Village. He gestures for them to climb inside, opening the front doors.
Rodimus Prime, like, from Transformers has joined your party
Link gets to sit in the driver's seat. This is because he listens to Fall Out Boy. Only people who listen to Fall Out Boy get to sit in Rodimus’s drivers seat.
Most of the duration of the ride to the Zora Domain is draped in uncomfortable silence. Link does not like the fact he is inside Rodimus. He needs a distraction from this. Link looks over at Pete, who is currently doing a whole lot of nothing.
“huh hyahhh”
Pete snaps out of whatever boredom-induced trance he was in and slowly turns to face Link. “You- You want to talk about Warped Tour 2005 …..?”
Link grins.
“Alright man. Any way to pass the time, I guess. Uh- Well, it was a tour? And it was warped? It was a while ago, so I don’t really remember much. Mychem was there- Ya know, speaking of Mychem-”
He slaps his hand over his mouth. The car radio turns on, and Rodimus butts into the conversation. Great.
The radio is pure static for a brief moment, but Link could hear Rodimus’s voice quickly coming into focus. “OH MY GOD LINK IS HE TALKING ABOUT THE WARPED TOUR 2005?? LIKE THE ONE WITH MICHAEL?”
If Pete Wentz (from Fall Out Boy) wasn’t in Rodimus with him, Link would have taken control of the steering wheel and crashed them into the nearest building or body of water. Alas, t’was the price to pay for tamales around here. Link silently prayed this would be the last time he would ever have to interact with Rodimus.
Link groans. “Hyah.”
Pete makes a pained face at Link, almost pleading. “Oh God please don’t encourage his behavior I’ll die if he keeps talking-”
The radio flips on again. Fantastic. Pete braces himself for the worst.
“So, Pete. Spill the tea. What. Happened. With you and Michael. In 2005.”
“I’m not talking about this. Especially not to you.”
Surprisingly, Rodimus drops the subject, and instead goes for a safer topic of conversation. “Will you sign my CD? Pretty please? It’s in the glovebox.”
Pete desperately wants to escape this conversation. What the hell happened during that tour? The world may never know. “As long as you promise to never talk about w***** t**** 20** ever again.”
“Deal.”
Pete exhales, relieved. He pops open the glovebox, pulling out the CD and signing it with a brown permanent marker. Damn. Just like the meat in a tamale. Link needs to eat a tamale soon or he will die. He wonders what meat Misha puts in his tamales. He hopes Misha is okay.
Link jolts forward as Rodimus comes to a stop. He was so far in his head daydreaming about tamales that he hadn’t noticed they were approaching the Domain gates.
“Weeeeeee’reeeeeeee hereeeeeee!” Rodimus exclaims.
“ Finally,” Pete mutters under his breath.
The Zora Domain is held above the reservoir by a countless number of intricately carved pillars. Winding pathways twist throughout the bustling city with occasional decorative waterfalls flowing down the walls and into the water below. The citizens of this metropolis are humanoid fish creatures. They have fish tails protruding from the backs of their heads and have scales, like a fish. There are no individual buildings; every shop, house, government office, and every other establishment you can think of are all part of the same singular interconnected structure. The tiles on the buildings are reminiscent of blue fish scales, shimmering in the midday sunlight. Everything is some shade of blue or white, giving the city an oceanlike aesthetic. The royal palace is located in the middle of the city, with aloof the roads and buildings contorting to accommodate space for the gigantic fish statue on the roof. In the plaza in front of the royal palace, there is a statue of Link riding Prince Sidon. Link and Sidon are good friends. Link hasn’t had time to talk to Sidon in a while due to his studies at Hyrule School. Link is excited to reunite with him. And Misha.
Rodimus, Pete, and Link all walk into the Zora Domain, heading towards the royal palace. Just as they approach the entrance, Prince Sidon strides out the front doors and greets them. “Pete! Link! It’s so good to see you two again-” He pulls Pete and Link into a tight, wet, fishy hug. “And who might you be?” Sidon looks up at Rodimus. “I haven’t seen any of your kind since Warped Tour 2005! Sweet rims, by the way.”
Pete flinches at the mention of Warped Tour 2005. What is up with him?
Rodimus blushes. “Yeah. Name’s Rodimus.” He gives Sidon a cocky smile.
They exchange pleasantries for a bit before Link cuts to the chase.
“Huh Hyahhhhh Misha Collins hyah huh hahh hyhah!!”
Sidon awkwardly scratches the back of his neck. “Sorry guys- You just missed him! Misha skipped town this morning. Said he had some ‘important business’ to attend to.
“You’re joking,” Pete says wearily.
Sidon gazes at Pete empathetically. “ ‘Fraid so. Haven’t the foggiest idea where he could have gone off to. He left in quite a rush.”
Link is going to become a danger to himself and others if he has to go inside Rodimus again.
“Well, uh, thanks for the help, man. Nice catchin’ up with ya.” Pete turns towards the exit, Rodimus and Link in tow.
Right as they approach the city gates, Sidon hollers at them. “Pete! Wait!”
The bassist and lead songwriter for Fall Out Boy freezes, but doesn’t turn around. “........ what.”
“Will you sign my MCR CD?”
Oh God. This isn’t going to end well. Link needs to get Pete out of here before Sidon brings up W***** T*** 200*.
Pete spins on one foot to turn and face Sidon, walking up to him. “And why exactly would you want me to sign an MCR CD?”
“I think you know exactly why. Why are you so bitter about this? It's been like ten years, lighten up a little! After all, it's not exactly a secret what you and-” That was it. Link pulled out his bow and arrow and shot a net at Sidon, trapping him inside and preventing him from bringing up Michael Romance.
Link mouthed an “I’m sorry” at Sidon before grabbing Pete and hightailing it the hell outta there. Link is so screwed. At this rate, he’ll never get his tamales. Or find Misha. Link mourned the loss of his future tamales for a moment before being snapped back to reality by Rodimus screaming.
“THERE’S A GIANT BIRD HEADING RIGHT TOWARDS US WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!! AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I’M NEVEERR GONNA SEE MISHA COLLINS AGAIN AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-”
There was, in fact, a giant bird hurtling towards them at mach speed. It seemed to be carrying something. Link suddenly remembered he had a bachelor’s degree in Monster Fighting and took out his bow and arrow.
He carefully lined up his bow with the target, making sure to account for its rapidly approaching nature. Breathing out deeply, Link released the bowstring. The arrow whizzed across the air at a speed almost matching the bird’s; Link braced for impact. A thick and heavy thunk sound erupted from the bird’s head, and it fell to the ground in front of him in a tailspin. Direct hit! Link is so cool.
The object the bird was holding clattered to the ground and rolled towards Link. He picked it up and turned it over in his hands, fingers skating over the cold smooth glass; it appeared to be a comically oversized glass bottle with a cork stopping the note stuffed inside from escaping. Link popped open the bottle and unrolled the note, motioning for Pete and Rodimus to come over to him.
Dear Link,
I have the one you seek. Come to the coliseum in Hyrule Field at dusk and we can discuss the terms of his release. Make sure to bring Pete Wentz.
Your Majesty,
Michael James Romance
“Michael kidnapped Misha? Why..?”
Pete is unsure of how to process this.
Rodimus is shaking from excitement.“OH MY GOD GUYS THSIS IS SO EPICSAUCE WE HAVE TO GO AND SAVE HIM FROM THE KING!!!!!!!”
Link is not excited to drive inside Rodimus again.
Once they’re on the road, Pete begins talking to himself in the passenger seat of the car. He is not in the driver’s seat because he does not listen to Fall Out Boy. Only people who listen to Fall Out Boy get to sit in the driver’s seat.
“I just don’t understand why he would…,” he buries his face in his hands. “Mikey…..”
Link needs to get out of this car. Now.
When they finally arrive at their destination, the sun has long since exited the sky, and the land is draped in the harsh, red light of the Blood Moon. Oh god. The coliseum towers before them, and Link can identify a few silhouettes of the inhabitants. There are a few bokoblins and a Lynel, nothing Link can’t handle. Michael Romance is nowhere to be found, however, which worries Link slightly. Was this a trap?
Rodimus is getting cold feet when he spots the moving shadows inside the coliseum. “Are there…. monsters in there?”
“Are you kidding me? Of
course
there are. Are you stupid or something? Mikey wouldn’t just meet us in an empty building, 3v1. He has reinforcements,” Pete snaps at Rodimus, finally getting fed up with his nonsense. “Are you coming in or not?”
“Uh.. actually- Why don’t I go to the Gamer Pad and fill Jensen in on all the juicy deets- heh.. that means details by the way, I’m just usin’ slang. I’m sure he, Patrick and Gerard are all worried sick.”
Pete agreed enthusiastically; he had never been happier in his life- well, except for that one time in 2005, but that’s besides the point. Rodimus transforms and speeds away towards Faron, leaving a trail of burned rubber lines in his wake.
Pete sighs. “Thank God he’s finally gone.”
Link points towards the coliseum. “Huh hyahh!!”
Pete was so ecstatic that Rodimus was gone that he had completely forgotten about the mission at hand. “Oh my God, we have to rescue Misha from those monsters! Do you think he’s ok?”
Link shrugs.
The monsters are going to be a problem for Link, since he listens to Fall Out Boy. Monsters only attack you if you listen to Fall Out Boy. Pete, on the other hand, is practically invisible to the monsters. This is because he does not listen to Fall Out Boy. Link can use this to his advantage.
Link explains his plan to Pete Wentz, who nods along understandingly. When Link is done, Pete runs over the main points of the plan. “Okay, so, step one: I go in and scope out the area and get an estimation of what we’re dealing with. Step two: You distract the monsters and give me the go-ahead to find and rescue Misha Collins; and step three: we hightail the heck out of there and get back to the Gamer Pad.”
The coliseum is quite large; there are several rings of platforms that line the sides of the inside of the building, absolutely teeming with bokoblins and moblins. There is a silver Lynel pacing back and forth in the middle of the arena on high alert, obviously guarding something . Link pulls out his bow and shoots an arrow at the wall next to the Lynel, catching its attention and locking onto Link.
Link shouts into the coliseum entrance, “HYAHHHHH,” letting Pete know he has the go-ahead to proceed with the plan. Pete slinks across the wall of the coliseum and into the secret back room where they’re pretty sure Misha is being held.
The battle was epic. It would go down in history for many years to come. Link used his super mega awesome fighting skills he learned from his Monster Fighting 101 class to distract the Lynel super awesomely. Link is so cool.
After defeating the lynel and rescuing misha collins, everybody went home to the Gamer Pad and ate tamales. The End