Work Text:
It starts very small.
It starts with a still pencil and a blank page prefaced with scribble littered sheets crumpled in the waste basket next to her desk. It starts with artist block.
Kotori spends hours trying to think of something for her next project in design school but for whatever reason it isn't coming to her. She puts on music, their music, that usually does the trick. She looks at the past costumes of Muse and other school idol groups to pull inspiration but to no avail. She eventually takes a walk in the cool summer evening, where the air is clean and the scenes are picturesque and the cicadas chirp hidden in the bark of the trees. When she returns home and sits at her desk to try again, the results are mixed. She draws but there's no pop. There's no color in her head.
What she submits is good but it's hollow.
It grows bit by bit from there.
She sighs a lot. Doesn't even notice it until Honoka and Umi bring it up.
"You haven't been over working yourself, have you?" Umi asks, brow creased.
"You know if you have any trouble, we could try to help you!" Honoka adds, frowning.
"I don't think I have been." She assures, "I haven't changed my routine and nothing unexpected has happened."
The unconvinced looks on their faces spur Kotori on. Anything to comfort, anything to keep them from worrying about her.
"I'm sure I'll be fine as long as I have you two and a good night's rest!" She grins.
The words feel a bit heavy on her tongue. Even if it isn't a lie when she says it, even if it's been true every other time she's felt down, somehow it doesn't feel that way this time.
She's extra aware of herself around everyone now. She swallows her sighs and forces a smile even though it's beginning to feel like there's weights on her mouth each time she does. Laughter is difficult but not impossible. The mechanics of laughing have become ingrained for use when she needs to. Staggered breathing, add voice, never forget to smile. There's action to expression but not much motivation.
She feels less than she used to.
However, her friends, her loved ones, they know her to smile and laugh and encourage. They're all so wonderful and she can see them go toward the places they want to be with each passing day. She can't possibly hold them back, can't bear the thought of them moving their energies because of her. So she keeps the act even as her sketchbook sits unopened in her bag because these are her friends and they deserve the best and she will keep doing whatever it takes because-
What good is she if she can't smile?
The thought is unbidden and Kotori feels like she should be surprised by it but all she can feel is heavy numbness so it's probably the truth.
It's getting bigger and bigger and she still doesn't know the source but the longer she stays in bed the less it matters.
She sleeps so much these days she can't feel much but a pit of guilt when her grades come back lower than she's ever had them. Her apartment is dark and turning off the computer just makes it that much more so. With a look at the clock, she sees it's still a few hours before she has to meet up with everyone and hang out all day. Her bones feel brittle and her muscles are infected with exhaustion. She wraps herself in a quilt and naps on her couch.
Kotori is tired. She's so tired. When she wakes to the dinging texts of Honoka and Umi, her eyes are bleary and just the thought of getting up now is insurmountable. The words she texts back, -I'm so sorry! My boss needs me to pick up an extra shift!! Tell everyone to have a good time!!-, etch at her achingly but she knows if she went now, she wouldn't be able to smile. She couldn't be the Kotori they wanted so she may as well not go at all.
Her sewing machine is collecting dust. The fabric she picked up months ago is still unused. The days get darker now, darker even than before, because winter begins to settle in and even though her apartment is heated the chill never really leaves.
On her way back from school she finds Honoka pounding on her apartment door. She's surprised but the day has taken an already large toll on her and she'd rather not see her right now. Honoka deserves better from her, though, and Kotori takes a deep breath before coming up to her with a smile that feels like lead.
"Honoka! Hi! What are you doing here?" She asks as chipper as can be.
"Kotori!" Honoka surprises her again, wrapping her arms around her tightly and pressing her face into her neck.
Hesitating and confused, Kotori pats Honoka on the back, prepared to comfort her in any way she can for what ever is distressing her.
"What- What's the matter? Are you okay?"
Honoka just looks up at her with disbelieving eyes as though the answer should be clear.
"D-do you wanna talk inside?" She offers instead and at this Honoka blinks the water from her eyes and nods.
Opening her door, at first she feels fine but when she hears behind her a sharp intake of breath it abruptly turns to shame. Her apartment is a mess of neglect with laundry piled on open seats she simply hadn't had the energy to put away and take out containers mixed with dishes on her tables for the same reason. It's musty with closed curtains and all the lights off and Kotori shifts to block the sight, turning back with a weaker smile.
"Sorry! It's a bit of a mess right now. I, uh, haven't been expecting anyone to come over and..." Honoka is supposed to be an open book but Kotori can't seem to read her, "Do you maybe want to go some where else? H-how about-"
"Kotori?" Honoka cuts in, voice quiet but steady. Her blue eyes are filled with something she doesn't want to identify so she gazes instead at the space behind her shoulder.
"Yes?"
"What's wrong?"
The question cuts far deeper than she thought it would. What's wrong? She's exhausted and unhappy and can't draw and can't smile and she's worthless and good for nothing and a bad friend and her life is falling faster than she can catch it and she doesn't know why any of this is happening in the first place but it is and she can't stop it.
"Hm? What do you mean? Nothing's wrong?" She says instead.
"Kotori..." Honoka reaches up and touches her cheek gently, searching.
It's a bit too much. If this goes on longer she won't be able to keep from breaking entirely. With slightly trembling hands she moves Honoka's hand from her face and puts on another painted, heavy smile.
"I'm really sorry, Honoka, but I have a lot of homework I need to do. We can talk later, okay? Text me to let me know you got home safe!"
She feels awful shutting her out like this. Literally and metaphorically. But it's better than the alternative, she's sure of it. Another sigh shakes her and she dumps her bags on her floor and lays down in her bed not to sleep but to stare at nothing for a long while and wish to disappear.
It's laughable that she thought Honoka would leave it at that because Honoka has never left anyone alone in her entire life. Her phone buzzes like a bee in her purse but each time she takes it out it's not only texts from her but from everyone else as well.
It's Rin texting her silly jokes and emojis. It's Hanayo sending her pictures of flowers and skylines. It's Nico asking her to pick which outfit suits her more while she's shopping. It's Maki sending her little melodies in snap chat. It's Eli telling her to look forward to the new accessories she's making. It's Nozomi texting her weirdly accurate fortunes.
It's Umi sending her poems and Honoka snapping her snacks with maniacal giggles in the back ground.
For the first time in a very long time, when Kotori smiles, a shy and secret grin, it feels light and natural.
When she gets home on Saturday, her apartment is bright. The curtains are open, the tables and chairs are clear and eight girls are laughing as Nico yells at Rin to get off of her after she'd slipped and knocked them both on the floor. The scent of lemon cleaner is light and fresh. Wash cloths and brooms and mops are all gripped in different hands with hair tied or pinned back on each laughing girl. Kotori's bags drop to the floor and her eyes stay wide.
"Kotori!" Rin nearly sings when she notices her in the doorway.
Everyone turns to look at her with bright smiles and open arms. Even confused and shaken, Kotori moves toward them like she's caught in the gravity of their affection.
When she finally loosens her tongue, her words are far from eloquent, "What... what is everyone... what are you all doing?"
Nico, sitting on the floor like it's her throne, laughs haughtily, "We've decided to take it upon ourselves to help out a friend in need. What do you think of the Lovely Nico's cleaning ability?"
"It was all of us, not just you." Maki rolls her eyes.
"Honoka said you looked like you were having a hard time lately and so we wanted to do something to make things a little easier." Hanayo added, "Maybe... did we over step our bounds?"
Kotori shakes her head slowly, "No... I just... don't understand. Why? Even though I haven't been around..."
"There's no human who can live alone," Nozomi pats her head gently, "When you need a hand, it's only natural that we, as each other's muse, come to support you."
"You've looked out for all of us even when you yourself were in need. This is the very least we can do to even begin to repay that." Eli says gently.
Her eyes are swimming even as Umi steps forward, purpose in her gaze, and speaks to her.
"It's tiring, isn't it? The bad thoughts and the heaviness. Things that were fun before just seem dim and lifeless. It's isolating and pretending hurts but the thought of disappointing everyone hurts even more." Umi's voice is soft and lulling and all she can focus on as tears start to roll down her cheeks and redden her face, "You're not alone, Kotori. It's something I've had to deal with and it's something many more people have had to deal with but you don't have to do it alone."
She's sobbing now, leaning all her weight onto Umi whose arms shelter her closely and closer still when Honoka adds herself to the embrace.
"Hey, Kotori?" She asks.
"Hm?" Is all she can stutter out for a reply.
"I wanna help you. We all wanna help. Can you let us? Please?"
It's warm, so warm, even in winter and the door to her apartment still wide open, as all nine of them are huddled together and what can Kotori do in the face of such warmth but nod against a shoulder and give a watery laugh.