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The scent of salt kissed Josh’s face as he stood at the edge of the cliff, his hair being whipped by the strong gust of wind. Turning his gaze below, he could see the waves crashing hard against the rocks as if in a competition of power. Beside him, Paulo remained still, with eyes as turbulent as the sea and cold hands wrapped around his.
Fifteen years.
It had been fifteen years since the day when the universe aligned for them and their pact. Under the September night sky, in the middle of the forest and beside the dimming bonfire, Josh and Paulo laid beside each other in solitude.
“If the stars of our love lose their light,” Paulo had said, his voice thick with youthful conviction, “we’ll leave together.”
Back then, Josh had squeezed his hand, his conviction just as apparent and his love as true. The stars of their love indeed burned bright, both of them caught in the wildfire of creativity and passion.
Paulo was the poet, the songwriter, the man on a constant quest for music that speaks to the soul. He was an up-and-coming musician then, his heart full of dreams and feelings and a vision that only needed a muse to be brought to life.
The muse took form in the identity of Josh.
From standing audience at Paulo’s busking in Cubao to standing beside him after his first sold-out solo concert, Josh bore witness to everything that Paulo did and could do still. And through all that, he was the imagery and inspiration that Paulo needed to pen soaring lyrics and heart-capturing music.
Even Paulo was surprised at how one man could bring out in him a myriad of melodies, from hymns of rendezvous to ballads of longing and beats of chaos between the sheets. Josh was all and everything Paulo needed to make songs that mirrored the essence of love. Because it was their journey, their love, their story.
Then again, even the wildest of fires would soon burn to nothing, leaving small embers of quiet warmth.
The way Josh experienced it, his fire became cooler, deeper, more comfortable. The love he held for Paulo, once all-consuming and two whispers away from exploding, softened into pure affection. He went through life’s challenges and came out of them as a different man. It got to a point that he only blamed youth’s recklessness for that promise he had made, as that boy was a stranger to him now.
But for Paulo, the raging fires went on. He never saw any change in their dynamic, their love remained an eternal flame. He held their promise like a prayer out of the desperate need for something to tether him to Josh, to the latter’s love for him, to the magic behind his music.
“Josh, I’m still holding on, even now,” Paulo murmured, his voice barely audible above the roaring waves below them. “I’m still keeping your smile, your hand, our promise under that sky…”
Josh closed his eyes as the memories flooded back. He could still see them, feel them even now: how their eyes met across the crowd of Paulo’s Cubao busking, how Josh would stop Paulo mid-sentence [and mid-argument] with a kiss, how they spent nights with tangled limbs, how Paulo would desperately look for a napkin in the middle of their date to scribble lyrics.
Yes, it was magical, but it wasn’t magic; all that was a sleight of hand from fate and trick of light from their rose-colored glasses all those years ago.
Josh shook his head to reality. “Pau. We both know this will happen. Things changed, people changed. You and me both.”
Paulo turned to him, his grip tightening, and looked at him with eyes that screamed their shared pain. “Did our love change too? But we swore, didn’t we?”
No one expected it to be easy, Josh thought. He looked at the man holding his hand desperately. His fingers traced the lines of Paulo’s face.
This is the man I loved, the man who still has my heart.
“Pau…sometimes promises need to adjust to life. Maybe something that’s set in stone fades because stones erode over time too.”
“You don’t mean that…do you?” Paulo’s breath hitched at the last word.
Josh didn’t reply, he couldn’t. Because how will he find the words to explain that he did mean it, but not in the way Paulo may think? That their love didn’t lessen, but took a different form? How could he explain that their fiery past has burned him—and them—out?
They stood there for a moment that seemed like forever, the waves below them filling the silence. From where they stood, the setting sun painted the sky with hues of red and purple, their favorite colors. It was beautiful, a spectacle that would have been a beautiful touch to their time together.
Now, it was a spectacle that mocked their impending tragedy.
Paulo began letting go of Josh’s hand as he stepped closer to the edge, his eyes fixed on the sunset. But Josh gripped the man’s hand tighter, his heart pounding loud in his chest. He had known what was going to happen, what Paulo was going to do.
“Pau, please,” he begged, misery seeping in his voice. “Don’t do this.”
The moment Paulo turned to him with a sad smile, Josh knew his plea fell on deaf ears.
“It’s the only way, Josh,” he said in the softest of tones, “this is how we’ll keep our promise.”
“No! No Pau, please. I can’t let you do this to us, to me! Please Pau, listen to me—“
This time, it was Paulo who brushed his fingers along Josh’s cheek, catching a tear and putting back a strand of hair behind his ear. “You’ve been the best music on my playlist, and I won’t change it for anything. You’ll be okay, my love.”
Paulo pulled Josh to him and kissed his forehead. He whispered, “Find your music for me,” before letting go and stepping off.
Before Josh could react, Paulo was gone.
His scream was loud, raw and primal, but a whisper compared to the deafening gust of wind and roar of the waves. He lunged forward and gripped on the very edge of the cliff. Looking below, he could only watch as Paulo plummeted to the group of pointed rocks, before one strong wave crashed over, meeting his body mid-fall and swallowing him whole.
Josh had lost Paulo, not just to the sea, but to the fifteen-year-old promise that burned them and left him with nothing once extinguished.
As the sun sank and made way for the moon, Josh remained rooted to the ground, unfeeling. It wasn’t long before the stars sparkled beautifully across the vast sky. The same sky that was the sole witness to their youthful vow.
“Ga?”
Josh turned at the sound and smiled. There Ken was, with their cat on a stroller, walking towards him like the freshest air blowing on his face.
The cliff was especially windy that day, but for Josh it was more comforting than suffocating. Unlike that afternoon three years ago.
In those three years, Josh kept Paulo’s memory close. He carried his memory—their memories—with a bittersweet ache, along with the promise they made before, and the promise Paulo asked of him.
He fulfilled that promise—he found his music. It started as a cacophony of blame and mystery. News of hitmaker and artist Paulo Nase’s sudden disappearance and possible death blared across all media sites, and Josh had to isolate or else risk being ambushed about what happened. In the end, what was left were strings of gossip that were never proven true and the question remained, “What happened?”
Much like Paulo’s body, no one found the right answer.
After the harsh dissonance died down, the music took a low, ominous lento. It sounded like heavy rain against glass windows, their unmade bed, tear-stained sheets, scattered alcohol bottles, and emptiness. Josh spent the better part of the three years asking himself the questions he never got to ask Paulo: What would have happened if they both chose to live despite the change? Was there anything else he could have done to make Paulo stay?
However, like every piece Paulo has done, this music shifts to an andante. it’s like life! Paulo had screamed one time while scrawling lyrics at the back of Josh’s receipt. It’s not too fast, nor too slow. You pace and walk on.
Things turned for the better when Josh met Ken at a music festival a year and a half later. He was the sunshine that covered Josh’s black skies with light and warmth. As it happens, Ken had heard of Paulo, but not his muse. So when Josh had mentioned his role in Paulo’s life, Ken smiled kindly and said “Ah, so this is what he means by loving a universe’ worth of beauty.”
Now, three years since the last time they were on that cliff, Josh can confidently say his music is now played allegro. He found his music, as Paulo had asked, not in melodies and lyrics, but in the comfort of living. He found it in purring cats, laughing children, the sunlight beaming through his windows, the cackle of a bright bonfire, a warm hand holding his.
Josh continued to live, keeping his promise to his lost love by embracing the life that Paulo would have wanted him to. it was a tough journey, but Josh learned to forgive Paulo for choosing to leave, but most importantly, he forgave himself for choosing to stay.
That morning, Josh stood on the cliff, beside the tree he had planted in Paulo’s memory. The waves below were less discordant, the wind blew more gently. He took a deep breath and smiled toward the horizon.
“Your flame will always be intertwined with mine, my love. My music will always have you.”
With that, he was reminded that he once loved a love so fierce and bright, and even if it was meant to end, it was also meant to set him free.