Chapter Text
When all is said and done, Hwang Hyunjin is exhausted.
Everyone is.
It’s an exhaustion that feels so deep into his entire being.
The battefield is full, everyone scattered around but Hyunjin zeroed in on Chan collapsing to his knees, his breathing ragged and shaky as he curls in on himself. His suit is cracked and chipping in various places. Not too far to his right, Changbin’s shoulders slumped as he plops on the ground in his Hulk form still, looking like he's seconds from laying down and sleeping for days. Changbin's looking over at Chaeryeong with a barely there smile, but she’s staring off into space looking smaller than usual. And she is small but her power always made her presence seem larger than life, right now, she looks so breakingly human, tiny sparks of electricity coming off her hand as she limply holds Mjolner. And Hongjoong comes walking over, stopping beside Chan, letting his shield fall to the ground, before he lowers himself to the ground beside him, arms wrapping around Chan.
And Hyunjin is tired as he takes in his little makeshift family, his entire heart and body aching.
He looks away to find Seonghwa standing off to the side, stiff and frozen; he meets Hyunjin’s gaze and the reality of all they’ve been through sinks in. He sees an understanding in his expression before he tears his gaze away, hand aching and he realizes he’s been gripping his bow too tightly. He looks over at the others who have joined them in the battle, everyone around them is in various levels of dishevelment. A strange mix of relief and sadness and exhaustion fills the air.
The war was over, and as always the world spun on as people are reunited with loved ones, the reality of missing people returning taking its toll as the world tries to rearrange to fit them back into places they don’t recognize. As everyone begins to rebuild their lives, as everyone mourned the ones lost.
Life goes on as monuments and memorials are built to honor the Avengers, both those around and the ones they’ve lost to get here.
And Hyunjin is struck by the sickening feeling that he doesn’t feel like an Avenger much these days, frozen in time as everything moves on around him.
Far too many nights filled with the same dream haunting him, that same damn moment on repeat leaving him in a cold sweat, tears streaming down his face and shaky hands, his heart pounding so loud that it’s the only noise filling his ears. Rinse and repeat each night until sleep becomes so scarce to the point that even Chan is worried about him, which says a lot since Chan hardly sleeps. In fact, Hyunjin wouldn’t be surprised if he had used his big brain to build something to make sleep obsolete.
The nightmares are nothing new, Hyunjin has had his fair share of nightmares through the years. His hands permanently bloodstained and scars etched into his bones even after they long faded. Everything he’s been through, all the terrible things he did, are an invisible weight connected to his neck. It follows him endlessly, will always be a part of him; and he wakes up each day, tries his best to continue his life. To do better where he can.
But this time is different.
He tries to follow the motions. For a while it seems as if the world doesn’t need the Avengers any more, which may be for the best seeing as it doesn’t quite feel like they’re much of a team after everything. But of course, the world changed far too much, yet not much at all and eventually there’s new threats and new missions and they trudge along despite the exhaustion in all their bones.
Eventually their tower is rebuilt. The rooms are different and security has been completely redone, Chan starting from scratch to do everything to make it the most protected place in the world. Hyunjin knows that even if it’s fully functional and protected, Chan probably has a file opened to tweak anything at a moment's notice, or at the slightest bit of a crack, a never ending work in progress. Much like the Avengers have always been.
Despite everything in the tower being completely new it feels very much haunted.
Hyunjin is trying. He really is trying to continue on. But it’s hard to feel like a real person when his chest heaves and aches, when he becomes acutely aware of the empty space beside him. His mind waiting for snippy remarks and hollow threats in response to current conversations that’ll never come, instead only an ache in his chest as something constricts within his chest, he’s only shaken out of those moments by gentle touches of rough hands on his shoulder.
And then, there’s a mission gone wrong. It becomes a blur, Hyunjin feels a scream trapped in his throat, and ends up covered in blood that isn’t his own. He sits next to Changbin’s makeshift hospital bed as his accelerated healing does its job. The Hulk has always been indestructible, powerful and strong, and with his quick healing it's nearly impossible to make a physical hit that lasts. Those facts just make it extra awful to see him go down, in a way that forces Hyunjin's heart in his throat. He refuses to leave the room until Changbin wakes up fully, cracking jokes as if he didn’t almost die in front of him. As if it wouldn’t have been Hyunjin’s fault.
“I’m sorry,” Hyunjin says, staring at Changbin’s side, where the wound is likely healed over by now because of the radiation running through his veins. It takes longer when he's not in Hulk form. He’s fine, he’s alive and that’s what matters but Hyunjin can’t help those awful thoughts. “I should’ve-”
“Hyunjin,” Changbin starts, now more serious than he has been since waking up, “It’s not your fault.”
Hyunjin shuts his mouth, jaw tight and aching; he wants to argue but he knows it won’t change anything.
“Have you been checked out?” Changbin asks, shifting to sit up and Hyunjin’s on his feet in an instant, fretting and hoping the stitches haven’t popped open.
“I’m fine,” Hyunjin mumbles, helping Changbin get comfortable, “You shouldn’t move too much.”
“Your hands are shaking,” Changbin points out.
Hyunjin clenches his hands into fists, shaking his head, “I’m fine.”
It’s a lie, he knows Changbin can tell. And he knows that he’ll never hear the end of it, he already has Chan hovering over him despite him being just as bad about this kind of thing, they’re all a bit hypocritical. But he can’t sleep without the added memory of Changbin bleeding out to the existing nightmare.
It was too close of a call. People in their line of work die, he’s always known that, and has mentally prepared himself for how dangerous it is. Over the years he’s seen every one of his teammates in hospital beds, always ending up healed and better but he doesn’t know how he’ll react when that’s not the case again especially after what’s happened. He’s not sure if he can do it again.
So he packs up his bags and drives upstate to the other half of the only remaining family he has left and sobs when Yeji welcomes him into her home with open arms as if he hasn’t been keeping his distance for so long.
Chan visits, each time with that worried crease between his brows as he makes sure Hyunjin is okay. He’s worried about him, they all are.
"You know, there'll always be a spot on the team for you," Chan says, voice smooth and gaze firm, he's stirring his cup of tea as they sit quietly in the patio of a restaurant. He'd shown up on Yeji's doorstep and coaxed him into leaving the house, almost as if he'd known Hyunjin hadn't been outside in weeks.
Hyunjin keeps track of the people walking past, observant as always, he counts the amount of double takes from those that likely recognize Chan, or find him attractive, those two tend to overlap despite how much Chan denies the fact. For as sure of himself as he comes off there's a well of insecurities that he tries to hide. Hyunjin takes a sip of his coffee as he turns towards the glass, counting the number of exits and cameras. If Minho was here, they'd make a game out of it, always testing each other on what they did or didn't notice.
"I know," he admits, because he does know, it'd been clear as soon as they settled into place after the dust settled from that final battle. "I... I told you, I'll think about it."
Chan's lips quirk as if he knows that Hyunjin is lying. "We miss you."
“Yeah, I miss you guys too,” Hyunjin smiles, tight lipped, an ache forming beneath his sternum. He knows they do, they each visit him with new excuses that are more ridiculous than the last, he lets them come in and act as if he doesn't know the favors they need from him are obviously shams.
They're worried about him, he'd usually do a better job at pretending to be okay, but these days he's just too damn tired to.
He misses them too, they spent years together as a team. As a family. Hyunjin was fooling himself into thinking that leaving them behind didn’t hurt.
Chan’s eyes are focused on the napkin that he’s folding until it’s a tiny triangle. His nails have been bitten to the quick, small scars across his knuckles and hands and a few up his arm. A bruise healing up on his bicep, overlapping the healed over scar that runs down it. Most of his injuries are barely noticeable and those that are tend to be clearly healed over, yet some are even more clearly recent, bright pink against Chan’s pale skin.
He knows it’s only human of him, that Chan is bound to be scratched up every once in a while. It doesn’t stop the tightening that forms beneath his sternum as he stares at a burn mark on the inside of his left wrist disappearing under his silver bands glittering in the light.
“How’s Changbin?”
“Fully recovered,” Chan answers, smiling slightly, “He’s been doing some work for Han recently.”
Hyunjin nods, that means those two are likely going full mad scientist in the lab, he wonders if Chan is itching to join them. “That’s good.”
“You know, things aren’t the same without you. Without everyone,” Chan starts, soft and hesitant, he’s looking up at Hyunjin now, eyes giving away an array of emotions. Hyunjin swallows, bracing himself for the elephant in the room; it’s not that they didn’t talk about it. They had to, but after the funeral the others seemed to realize bringing it up to him wasn’t the best idea.
“Everyone’s kind of doing their own thing right now,” Chan says, causing the spiral to halt, he tilts his head and frowns. Maybe, he’s losing his touch since he hadn’t caught on to that. “Yeah, Bin’s got his work. Chaeryeong’s back in New Asgard right now.”
Hyunjin nods, it makes sense for Chan to be just a bit stir crazy with the separation of their original line up. “And Captain?”
This time Chan ducks his head, ears dusting pink and a shy laugh escapes him, and Hyunjin scoffs slightly at the tells that the two are possibly getting their shit together after all this time. “Well, you know, Hongjoong. The same as always,” he says, running a hand over his neck, “He’s worried as usual. About everything, all the new recruits. Um. Seonghwa is… He’s doing whatever he does when he disappears. And Hongjoong…”
Chan trails off. It’s not too surprising considering everything that happened, especially the history there. Although it makes sense for Seonghwa to disappear every once in a while, he’s seen that kind of thing before. He’s sure Seonghwa is just at a loss of how to go about life now too.
He swallows hard, sitting forward, “Speaking from experience here, former assassin's tend to need some space. I’m sure he’s fine.”
“I know, it’s just… With everything that happened,” Chan remarks, shrugging as he begins unfolding the tiny triangle of a napkin. And yeah, he knows, they’ve been through so much. He glances up, meeting Hyunjin’s gaze, looking hesitant for a moment, before softly and slowly adding, “You know, I miss him too.”
Hyunjin stills as the words take a moment to register that he isn’t talking about Seonghwa, straightening his shoulders causing his back muscles to constrict, a tingling sensation running up his spine. He nods, not trusting his voice, throat drying in an instant. He moves his shaky hands away from Chan’s sight even though he knows Chan has already seen them.
And he knows that. He knows Chan is telling the truth, he’s mourning as much as he is, the whole team is. Scratch that: the whole world is.
The difference is that Hyunjin and Minho had spent so long as partners, practically attached at the hip well before the Avengers ever became a thing, so attached to the point that even when they were apart they were intertwined.
And the thing is losing people was an inevitability in their line of work. He's always known that there was a chance they would lose each other. Despite accepting that as a fact, nothing had prepared him for the hole that ripped through his chest.
Nothing had prepared him for feeling like Minho took half of him when he left them.
He can’t do this without Minho, not in a tower that reminds him of Minho at every corner, nor any city that he barely recognizes without Minho by his side. And he has no idea how to even begin to be a normal person. He has spent an entire lifetime being a fighter, a weapon. He doesn't know what to do with his hands if they aren't holding his bow, if they aren't the cause of destruction. Bloody and bruised and aching.
➶➴➹➷
Hyunjin thinks he's finally found some semblance of normalcy that works for him; he doesn’t hide away in the guest room anymore, venturing out and helping around the house. He babysits Yuna when they need someone to look after her, and does all the odd jobs and errands. He goes for walks, explores the town often enough that the stares from the residents have subsided from seeing a former Avenger. And he’s taken up new hobbies that he never had the time for before, he’s painting and sculpting, trying so hard to use his hands for creation instead. The ache has dulled, that hole is still there like a canyon in his rib cage but it’s becoming easier to ignore it just for a little while, especially when he’s laughing at Lia’s joke as he helps her with dinner and chores, enjoying the silence when he and Yeji sit on the porch with beers, and during mornings when he lets Yuna paint beside him in the sun room while the radio plays.
It’s easier to breathe when there’s no expectations for him to be anything, to do anything except just exist.
But it’s hard to ignore the way Yeji watches him like she knows he's still having nightmares most nights. Occasionally, she’ll have this very specific look, all pinched up and frowning, the kind of expression that makes Hyunjin feel like she’s expecting him to explode at a moment’s notice. Or that she thinks that if she looks away for too long he’ll disappear, or worse. Sometimes it’s too much.
And what’s worse, is that he can’t blame her; he may have settled into a routine but there’s a restless energy building up, he feels a bit stir crazy from staying put for too long. He’s always been that way since they were teenagers, he blames their upbringing of traveling all around the country, only ever staying put for a few months at a time. A fact that spilled into his adulthood considering that due to his job he was always moving on to the next place and always had a new mission to do.
It’s a strange thing to get used to, all this endless time with no plans to follow. But he’s managing it.
He thinks he’s doing a good job at it. Or well, at least pretending to be okay since the visits from Chan, and the others, have become less frequent. Though he’s sure that must have more to do with the Avengers officially becoming active again more than anything else.
Except Changbin makes an off handed comment during one of their calls that Hyunjin can’t just hide away from his problems, that he needs to face his grief head on and he can’t do that if he even refuses to speak about it. In response Hyunjin changes the subject and proceeds to screen his calls, but as much as he hates to admit it he knows that Changbin is right.
It’s partly what leads to Hyunjin standing in front of Minho’s grave. There’s dozens of flowers surrounding the spot, almost overflowing despite the time of year not being ideal. A few small stuffed animals are piled up as well. He sighs, chest constricting as emotions build up, wondering if this is a mistake, “hey, hyung. Happy Birthday. Sorry, I haven’t been around.”
The wind picks up, the cold nipping at his exposed skin and he shoves his hands into his pocket. He pauses that ache blooming, overtaking his entire being, he spots the footprints in the small amount of snow covering the ground. He glances around subtly, no sign of anybody, the silence is eerie.
He clears his throat, and calls out, “You don’t have to hide.”
There’s silence for a long moment, Hyunjin starts to doubt himself, thinking maybe the visitor is long gone after seeing him. A few moments pass, when he hears the sound of footfalls.
Out of his peripheral vision he sees Seonghwa step up beside him, keeping a distance between them. He’s got a jacket that can’t possibly keep him warm, though he doesn’t seem bothered by the cold. The glint of silver from his hand as he reaches up to adjust his hat, it’s not even a beanie but a regular old baseball cap covering up his grown out hair.
They stand in silence for what feels like an eternity; the chill biting Hyunjin’s skin, little pin pricks against his face, he could pull his scarf up, or even tuck his chin into it, instead he ignores it in favor of looking down at the engravings of the headstone. The black widow symbol etched right in the center right above Minho’s name.
“If I knew you’d be here,” Seonghwa starts, voice low and quiet; Hyunjin looks over to see him glancing down at the flowers, everything about him stiff. “I would’ve come a different day. Let you pay your respects alone.”
Hyunjin scoffs, “don’t be ridiculous.”
Seonghwa shuts his mouth, shifts on his feet; he opens his mouth a few times before keeping it firmly shut.
Hyunjin looks away, and lets the silence envelope them. He figured there wouldn’t be any other visitors around due to the weather, not wanting to risk the prying eyes of strangers, or worse, one of his friends. So, this isn’t ideal, it’s rather awkward. But he figures it makes sense for Seonghwa to be here, he likely had the same idea of avoiding others during this visit.
He knows far more about Seonghwa than he should for someone that he has only spoken to a handful of times. He definitely knows more about him than he does about Hyunjin.
When Minho joined SHIELD, Hyunjin saw his reaction the first time the Winter Soldier came up. Everyone in their line of work knew about the Winter Soldier, the ghost story passed down the line of duty. Except Minho's expression wasn't the usual alarm at the stories being true, no, it was recognition followed by a purposefully blank expression in a way that rang alarm bells loud and clear that there was more there. Hyunjin didn’t ask though, he already knew Minho was on eggshells, worried that one wrong move would undo the deal made with SHIELD. He clearly didn't want to talk about his past, which Hyunjin didn’t blame him about, for a while that's how their partnership worked. Skirting around details that edged into the personal territory, a balancing act of learning to trust each other while never revealing too much.
Hyunjin never cared about Minho’s past, none of it mattered other than what Minho had done in the present, what he’d do moving forward. So, he never asked, they all had their secrets and he didn’t need to know them to trust Minho to have his back. He didn’t need to know everything to know Minho, to learn his habits and understand him fully.
But as the years passed on and they grew closer, they found themselves admitting things they never would to others; trading stories of their past, secrets ranging from mundane to terrible, offered up to each other carefully, sometimes whispered into the darkness like they were attending confession.
The Winter Soldier was one of Minho’s secrets, it was one that he knew Minho didn’t tell him everything about, but he knew enough.
He knew that Seonghwa, despite the brainwashing and orders and violence, was important to Minho. That the reverse must be true if Seonghwa has his memories back.
Seonghwa is bending down, gently placing an object at the base of the headstone. Hyunjin quickly realizes that it's an origami of a cat, the bright red paper is quickly becoming damp due to the snow. It won’t last long, he figures that isn’t the point, as he notices other pieces of damp paper littering around the spot. He wonders how often Seonghwa has been visiting.
“I’m surprised we haven’t run into each other here sooner,” Seonghwa says, still crouching down, eyes tracing over the words etched into stone.
Hyunjin stiffens briefly, guilt rising up like bile as he shifts his weight from one foot to another. He doesn't blame Seonghwa for assuming he's a frequent visitor, everyone must think so. “Yeah, I haven’t… I just- He…”
He turns to see Seonghwa looking up at him, a look of understanding and just a bit sad, and Hyunjin almost wishes it was pure judgement instead. Minho was his best friend, his partner in every sense of the word, the love of his life. He should be the one making frequent visits, he just couldn’t bring himself to visit sooner. It only makes the already existing guilt worse.
Seonghwa stands up, his nose is rosy and he nods, “It’s okay. People deal with grief in their own ways, he’d understand.”
And Hyunjin huffs out a laugh, would he though? Minho wouldn’t have made excuses, he would’ve been visiting his grave as often as he could if the roles were reversed. After the Blip, Minho refused to give up hope that they would get everyone back, that he’d get his brother back. He had a routine of visiting their meeting spots despite knowing there’d be no response to his signals. It was a stark contrast to Hyunjin giving up on Yeji returning.
It had been almost ironic all things considered. Minho was always the more pragmatic one of their duo, accusing Hyunjin of being too much of a daydreamer, a romantic. Yet beneath all the masks and layers, Minho was always filled with a quiet hope, always much softer than he allowed others to believe, or even witness.
Hyunjin clears his throat, and wants to disappear into himself, this was exactly what he was worried about. All these thoughts and emotions are being brought up as if he wasn't already an exposed wound when it comes to even the slightest mention of Minho.
“I’ll leave you alone,” Seonghwa says, softly as if he’s afraid of spooking him. It almost makes Hyunjin want to laugh.
The legendary Winter Soldier, big and bad and terrifying, is being gentle. And it makes the walls crumble, the canyon becoming wider because it reminds him so much of Minho. It makes the dam begin to crack and he should accept the offer, he’d rather be alone except that’s a lie.
“Stay,” he says, voice rough, it makes Seonghwa freeze, eyes searching before giving him a firm nod and a tight lipped smile.
They don’t talk for awhile after that. Eventually as they begin walking away, they talk and Seonghwa mentions that he’s been staying at the Tower, actually planning on sticking around as an Avenger. It makes an ache grow, his chest hurts as he smiles along and he’s reminded again of Minho. Hesitant about being considered a hero, yet determined to prove himself.
And despite feeling like the wound has been ripped open, his heart bleeding and exposed, it’s nice to talk to someone that isn’t looking at him like a ticking time bomb waiting to go off.
➶➴➹➷
As much as Yeji’s farmhouse had become a safe haven for him, to the point that Lia joked that the guest room is basically his now. It's a joke, but it's not too far from the truth, it’s been long enough that he has definitely overstayed his welcome. Yeji insists he hasn’t, that doesn’t stop the nagging voice in his head that he needs to move out soon even if part of him feels stuck in place, unsure of where he’d even go. All he knows is that he can’t stay with them forever.
That restless energy of being in the same place for too long is starting to get to him, they can all tell which is why when he suggests a mini vacation to the city, Yeji sighs heavily and gives him that look that says, “I know there’s something else going on" but she relents.
They're in the hotel suite after a day of visiting the sights. Hyunjin plops onto the couch as Yuna happily chatters as Yeji helps her out of her coat. Lia laughs, sitting down beside him and grabbing the remote, beginning to flip through channels.
"—a masked figure was seen fleeing the scene. It appears to be the return of the vigilante Ronin, though officials have yet to confirm it."
Hyunjin's blood runs cold as he sits up, attention immediately on the news story, hand reaching out to stop Lia from switching the channels. His throat is dry as he stares at the words sprawling across the screen, the information of the location and the images of the aftermath.
"This is the second sighting of the vigilante this week, after being seen fleeing the scene of a bombing several nights ago," she says, as she speaks a grainy video from someone's phone appears on the screen. The figure, clad in the unmistakable suit that belonged to Ronin; the person’s running into traffic and saving a dog from getting hit by a car.
"That ninja saved a puppy!" Yuna points out happily, awe evident in her tone as she claps. She's blissfully ignorant to the tension filling the room.
Hyunjin stares as they zoom in on the suit, they talk about how Ronin operated to tear through the criminal underworld before dropping off the map, only to resurface during the Blip years and disappear all over again. He can feel Yeji's heavy gaze on him, skin prickling as he realizes the past is catching up with him; all the normalcy he’s been trying to curate recently crashing down around him.
He should’ve known better, should’ve known that men like him don’t get to restart and have a normal life.
"Yuna, let's get you ready for bed," Lia announces, sounding distant to his ears, ushering Yuna out of the room despite her whines of not being sleepy as is usual with having a young child. It’s a common argument they have.
Hyunjin stares blankly at the screen as it switches over to another story. He clenches his jaw trying to rack through his brain over who might possibly want to revive Ronin and why they would want to. A part of him thinks it’s a trap to draw them back out. He feels a pain blossom throughout his shoulder.
He glances up to find Yeji staring at him, a storm of concern and anger, she whispers harshly, "I thought you got rid of the suit."
"Well... Not exactly," Hyunjin says, trailing off as he realizes that he needs to stop this new Ronin. "I... It was at the Tower."
It was buried deep in the basement of the Avengers' tower along with all the other gear none of them use anymore. Out of sight and out of mind, never to see the light of day.
"I don't know why you would even use it. Ronin should've stayed dead," Yeji continues, jaw clenching as she looks away. She looks towards the other end of the suite where the bathroom is, music playing from the room in an attempt to keep Yuna from hearing things she shouldn't.
Hyunjin could explain himself, it starts with grief and ends with Minho pulling him back from a ledge, only for them to end up at right back to another ledge and circling back to grief. "I'll handle it," Hyunjin says, already getting up and grabbing his bag, he'll make a stop at the tower and he'll put a stop to it before things can get worse and they track the suit back to him.
Yeji’s brows are furrowed, leaving a crease between them, frown deepening. Her jaw is stiff as her eyes narrow at him, a storm of emotions. “Hyunjin-”
"I'll handle it," he repeats again, already heading to the door. “Trust me.”