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“Come on, it’s not going to be this bad.”
Taehyung let out a loud groan, throwing his arm over his eyes and pressing his nose into the crook of his elbow. Jimin, his roommate, was standing over him, with his hands in his pockets and a bag swung across his shoulder, looking at him like a disappointed mother. Yeah, it was true that Taehyung didn’t get up for his classes again, but in his defense, it was Jimin who had kept him up the whole night, talking about that cute kid he had one of his classes with.
“No, it’s going to be bad,” he mumbled, trying to pull the covers over himself with his free hand. Jimin was quicker though, snatching the material out of his fingers.
“All right, at least get up, we can talk about this later.”
There was nothing about the second part of that sentence that Taehyung liked, but he decided to humour Jimin with the first request, sitting up and letting his feet dangle off the bed. He ran his hand through his hair and rubbed his eyes before blinking a few times, trying to get used to the bright sunlight floating into the room through the windows.
Jimin nodded at that, satisfied, and shuffled to the kitchen, loudly banging the cupboard's doors. Taehyung sighed, ruffling his hair and hopping off the bed, to follow his roommate, before slouching down on one of the stools they used as chairs and propping his head up with his hands.
“Do you want something for breakfast?” Jimin asked, pulling a fruit bowl towards himself and going through it's contents. “I could make you yoghurt with fruits if you want?”
“You don't have to baby me, you know. I am an adult and everything is peachy, if you catch my drift,” Taehyung said cheerfully, his voice a little too loud and happy for Jimin to believe him.
Jimin turned around and raised his eyebrows at him in a silent question.
“Okay, well, technically I’m an adult, but I'll probably still need supervision,” Taehyung mumbled, desperately trying to change the topic to take Jimin’s attention off him. “How was your practice yesterday?”
“Oh, we’re not talking about my practice now, Tae,” Jimin sighed heavily and leaned back onto the kitchen counter, his eyes fixed on Taehyung’s face. “Are you… Do you want to do this whole thing at all? Because if not, maybe I could find a way to get you out of it…”
“No,” Taehyung shook his head shortly and bit down on his bottom lip, pretending to be absorbed in picking up crumbs off the table with his fingertip. “It’s okay, I just… It’s a bit awkward, you know?”
“Taehyung,” Jimin sighed again and uh-oh, he used Taehyung’s full name, this can’t be good. “It’s not about the awkwardness, I know you too well. That excuse won’t work on me. You still have feelings for him, don’t you?”
Taehyung winced, trying not to look in his friend’s direction. His birthday was coming up and Jimin wanted to throw him a party. Taehyung loved parties and normally he would be over the moon about it, but a few weeks ago his personal life… Changed a bit.
At the time, it had made perfect sense to date someone close to him, especially someone he kept pining over for almost a year, but Taehyung definitely didn’t think this through. He quickly realized that the worst thing about dating someone from one’s circle of friends was that it would mean picking sides when the inevitable breakup happened and even though they promised each other they would never put their friends in that position, the atmosphere was still strained and awkward whenever they showed up at the same place. And now, with Jimin, their mutual friend, throwing a party that their mutual friends will attend, Taehyung had to decide - should he invite his ex or no?
The fact that Jimin was absolutely right didn’t help at all. Taehyung was still hopelessly, stupidly in love with his ex boyfriend and he wanted to cry every time someone as much as mentioned his name. He tried to be an adult about this, or at least act like one, but it was so damn difficult. He fell in love with Yoongi the second he saw him and never looked back, shamelessly trying to seduce the older man from the very beginning. It took almost a year for Yoongi to finally accept that Taehyung wasn’t in fact making fun of him and agree to go out on a date. At first their relationship was everything Taehyung could hope for, maybe it wasn’t all rainbows and unicorns, with Yoongi’s grumpy demeanor it wouldn’t even be possible, but they were happy and that was all that mattered.
Until things went to hell, of course.
It wasn’t sudden, not really. It was more of a slow process; Yoongi was a musician and Taehyung knew that, he knew how important music was to him. That knowledge didn’t help him feel better when he had found himself waiting in bed, alone yet again, while Yoongi worked on a new track, completely oblivious to the world around him. It didn’t help when he had asked Yoongi to go out with him and Jimin to the movies and Yoongi had simply declined with the wave of his hand, his eyes glued to his laptop. It was a lot of small things that started piling up with time, and suddenly Taehyung found himself dreading going over to Yoongi’s, knowing he will probably have to sit back and watch him work instead of doing something together like an actual couple would do. Their relationship didn’t end with an argument or a huge fight, it was disheartening really, how calmly Yoongi took Taehyung’s decision. What was even worse was that deep down, Taehyung had hoped Yoongi would at least try to fight for them, do something , but he had only nodded and stayed quiet, letting Taehyung do all the talking.
“Taehyung, you can’t fool me, you know.”
Taehyung sighed heavily, coming back to reality and fighting the urge to bang his head against the table.
“Okay, yeah, I still have feelings for him. I have to invite him, though, Namjoon’s his roommate and he’s going.”
“Shit,” Jimin ran his hands through his hair, the worry in his eyes making Taehyung feel almost guilty for some reason. “Maybe we could figure out a way out of this?”
“No,” he said stubbornly. “It’s okay, we were supposed to be civil about this and I plan on keeping it that way. Besides... How bad can it be, really?” He added, reaching for his phone and typing in Yoongi’s number, trying not to concentrate on the fact he still knew it by heart.
*
The answer to his question turned out to be “quite bad” .
The party wasn’t anything special, just a bunch of friends having a few drinks together. Even though Taehyung tried his best to focus on having a good time, he couldn’t help but throw quick glances in Yoongi’s direction every now and again, admiring his profile, the way he smiled, the way his face lit up when he was talking about music with Namjoon and Hoseok.
Taehyung was so fucked.
He could see Jimin looking at him, clearly worried, and tried to act as happy as he could, but Yoongi’s presence was making him want to crawl into his bed and never come out. Every time they made eye contact over the table Taehyung felt as if someone had just stabbed him, a sharp pain in his chest leaving him breathless. When he noticed Yoongi shaking his head a little after each shot he took, a tiny habit that he used to tease him about, Taehyung had to actually blink back tears threatening to spill down his cheeks. He was a mess and the alcohol wasn’t helping at all, his fingers itched to reach out and brush Yoongi’s hair out of his face, trace his lips and his jawline like he used to, and it took every ounce of self-control Taehyung had for him to stay in his chair.
Watching Yoongi from under his eyelashes while nodding automatically in response to something Jin was talking about wasn’t even the worst. That was when Yoongi finally got up, mumbling about needing to wake up early the next day. Taehyung could feel his heart drop at that, because Yoongi was either lying (Saturday being his sacred day for sleeping in) or he had changed his habits, and that thought made it finally sink in. Yoongi had moved on. He was just fine without him, and this realization made Taehyung bite down on his lip hard, almost drawing blood.
He was so fixated on thinking about it, he didn’t notice Yoongi walking up to him until he could smell his cologne, a Christmas present Taehyung got him because it seemed appropriate for a boyfriend to do. He glanced up and let out a small huff of breath, noticing how exhausted Yoongi looked with dark circles under his bloodshot eyes.
“Are you okay?” The words spilled from his mouth almost involuntarily.
Yoongi blinked a few times and nodded shortly, raising one corner of his mouth in an attempt at a smile.
“Yeah, just tired. Listen, I… Uh, I wasn’t sure if it was all right with you, but I… I made you something.”
He pulled out a tiny flash drive from his pocket, placing it gently in Taehyung’s hand.
“It’s not much, but I… I’d appreciate it if you listened to it. And… I’m sorry, this is stupid.”
“No,” Taehyung quickly closed his fingers around the flash drive, afraid that Yoongi would take it back from him. “I want to listen to it. Thank you, it means a lot.”
He watched as Yoongi’s tongue darted out to wet his lips - another habit of his - and cleared his throat, finally tearing his gaze away from his ex boyfriend.
“I’m glad you could come, by the way.”
“I wouldn’t want to miss it. Happy birthday, Tae.”
And before Taehyung could reply, he was gone, the faint scent of his cologne still lingering in the air, making Taehyung’s heart skip a beat with each memory it brought.
He was so, so fucked.
*
The next day Taehyung tried absolutely everything he could think of to take his mind off the flash drive, still buried deep in his pocket. He wanted to wait until Jimin was out for his dance practice to listen to whatever Yoongi had given him, and he practically ripped his pocket open when the door finally closed behind his roommate.
He opened his laptop with such force it almost snapped in half, pushing the flash drive in with one hand and putting on his headphones with the other one. As he was waiting for his laptop to turn on, he had to place his sweaty palms on his knees to keep his legs from bouncing, feeling his heart hammer in his chest. Taehyung wasn’t sure why the content of that flash drive was making him nauseous with nerves before he even knew what it was, but his heart skipped a beat when he saw a single mp3 file titled simply “T”. He double clicked on it and gasped when he heard the beat. It was so familiar he felt confused for a second, but then the memories came back to him, punching the air out of his lungs. He could vividly remember Yoongi hunched over his computer, his face scrunched up in concentration, the light from the screen making his features look sharp, almost fox-like. He was working on that song for ages and the fact that he finally managed to make everything flow together so beautifully made Taehyung smile with pride. His smile faltered quickly when he heard Yoongi’s voice. He was rapping with such passion, his voice raw with emotions displayed for everyone to hear, it took Taehyung a second to actually focus on the lyrics and when he did, his hands started shaking and his throat felt as if it was about to close up.
Yoongi was rapping about him.
He was rapping about his skin, his smile, his eyes, the way he would try to make Yoongi laugh when he was down, the way his face would light up when Yoongi decided to share his music with him for the first time. He was rapping about their first kiss, the first time they held hands, the first time they slept together, and then suddenly Yoongi was rapping about the day Taehyung had walked out, ending their relationship, and it was all too much.
Taehyung jumped to his feet, yanking the headphones off his head, and ran out of his flat, not even caring about making sure he locked the door. It was raining outside, the streets were empty, the sky was dark and heavy with clouds, the rain soaking through his shirt and shoes in seconds, but he didn’t even notice it. He ran the whole way to Yoongi’s flat, stopping only at the doorstep, his lungs burning with exhaustion and his hair plastered to his wet forehead. He took a moment to try and catch breath, but he just couldn’t wait anymore, so he pounded his fist on Yoongi’s door, still panting heavily.
“Yes… Taehyung?” Yoongi opened the door, staring at him with confusion in his eyes. “What happened? Are you okay?”
“I-I… We need to talk,” Taehyung managed to choke out. Yoongi quickly grabbed his forearm, pulling him inside and sitting him down on the couch. He went to the bathroom to get a towel and Taehyung took this opportunity to take a quick look around his apartment. It was much messier than he remembered, but the familiar smell of coffee and something he could only describe as Yoongi made him take a deep breath in, his heartbeat slowly returning to normal.
“Here you go,” Yoongi tossed him the towel and sat down in an armchair next to him. He was wearing sweatpants and a stretched out t-shirt that was way too big for him. His hair was a mess, his eyes were a little puffy, and Taehyung just couldn’t stop staring. His heart was aching, he noticed right away that Yoongi had lost some weight, his skin looked paler than ever, and he was itching to reach out and hold him, just for a little while.
Yoongi tilted his head and walked up to him with a loud sigh, ruffling Taehyung’s hair with the towel and draping a blanket across his shoulders. He sent him a pointed look and sat down next to him, gently rubbing his arms.
“Thanks, I didn’t realize how cold I was,” Taehyung smiled shyly, trying to stop his teeth from chattering.
“What were you thinking? It’s pouring out there, where’s your umbrella? Or a jacket? Seriously, Taehyung, you’re gonna…”
“I listened to your track,” Taehyung interrupted him in a loud, but slightly shaky voice. Yoongi stopped rubbing his arms and pushed his hands back into his pockets, almost making Taehyung wince at the sudden loss of contact.
“I… I don’t understand,” he breathed out, his gaze fixed on his own knees. “This song, I… It’s about me. Us.”
“Yeah,” Yoongi’s voice was quiet, barely above a whisper. He was chewing on his bottom lip and his expression was so soft, Taehyung felt his throat close up again.
“But you don’t care about me,” he blurted out and that finally got him a reaction out of his ex boyfriend. Yoongi’s head snapped up, a sudden fire appearing in his eyes as he growled out:
“What the fuck?”
“You don’t care about me!” Taehyung jumped to his feet, months of anger and sadness that had piled up in him spilling from his lips. “You let me walk away! The only thing you cared about was your music. You wouldn’t do anything with me, it was like I could drop dead and you wouldn’t even notice!”
“Are you actually serious right now?” Yoongi slowly raised from the couch, but Taehyung wasn’t done talking.
“I tried everything, I know how much you love music and I respected that, but I just couldn’t take it anymore, don’t you get it? I felt like I meant nothing to you, do you have any idea how many times I cried myself to sleep, hoping you’d at least text me? And now? You give me that song and I am so confused. I don’t know what to think anymore.”
Taehyung took a shaky breath in, his tears blurring his vision. He wiped them away with his towel, refusing to even take a look at Yoongi, the anger still pumping through his veins.
“Taehyung…” Yoongi’s voice was soft, almost gentle. “It’s not… God, I never wanted you to feel that way. It’s just… I got signed.”
“What?”
“I got signed, a month after we started dating. It’s a small label, but… I wanted to do my best, this is such a huge opportunity for me, and I… I guess I lost sight of what’s really important.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Taehyung whispered, staring at Yoongi with his eyes wide open.
Yoongi huffed out a loud breath, rubbing his face with his hand.
“I wanted you to be proud of me. I wanted to tell you when I had everything done, I wanted to play it all for you, then take you out to a fancy restaurant and ask you to move in with me, but I… I realized I’m dragging you down. You need someone who can take care of you, who pays attention to you, someone who deserves you. I couldn’t give you that, and I… That’s why I let you go. It killed me, but I wanted you to be happy.”
“Happy? Are you fucking kidding me? I loved you, I still do, and you’re such an… Why the fuck are you grinning?”
“You said you still love me,” Yoongi said quietly, a shy smile dancing on his lips as he took a few tentative steps towards Taehyung.
Taehyung blinked a few times, the anger suddenly disappearing. His hands were still shaking and he felt slightly breathless, but this time it was mostly because of the heat he could feel radiating off Yoongi’s body.
“I meant it,” he whispered, his gaze fixed on Yoongi’s eyes.
“Did you listen to the whole track?”
“No, I was… I had to see you.”
“Do you want to know what the last line was?” Yoongi asked, his grin growing bigger with every step he took. Taehyung nodded shortly, his mouth too dry for him to talk, and watched as Yoongi stopped right in front of him, flashing him that stupid gummy smile of his.
“I love you,” he said, before slowly reaching out and brushing Taehyung’s hair out of his face, his fingers gentle and warm. “That’s the line and that’s how I feel about you. I love you. And I'm so, so sorry. I know that it’s a lot to ask for, but do you think… We could try again? We could take it as slowly as you want, and this time do it with better communication skills, I actually signed up for an on-line class, and...”
“Shut up,” Taehyung managed to choke out before he threw his arms around Yoongi’s neck, pulling him closer and crashing their lips together.