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"There's no way!"
"I can't believe it!
"Oh, this is the best day of my life!"
Remus listens to his roommates and their excited chatter for a few moments before pushing the door open. Lily, Mary and Marlene don't even turn around at his arrival, not able to stop their celebration over... something?
"Um... hi?" He tries with an amused smile.
"Hi," they all say in unison, before immediately turning and carrying on with their conversation.
"I wonder what he's doing here!"
"He hasn't been back in years!"
"Sorry, who are we talking about?" Remus asks, dropping his bag onto the counter and starting to root through it for his water.
"Sirius Black! Rumour has it he's in town!" Mary says excitedly, and every inch of Remus freezes. His heart stops beating, his lungs stop working, his hair stands on end as he does his level best to act casual.
Sirius fucking Black. Biggest star of their generation, with every album he's released hitting number one and staying there for a scary amount of time. Five years of fame, fortune, interviews and tours. Five years of being everybody's favourite person, of being admired, of being featured everywhere.
Five years since him and Remus broke up.
Remus has spent the past five years trapped in limbo. Everywhere he goes he hears Sirius' voice, with his songs played in every shop, in every cafe, on every radio station. He tries his level best to avoid it, to try to protect his mental health, but he can't help himself sometimes. He's had countless sleepless nights, going through his old pictures and videos that he told Peter he'd deleted and crying his eyes out. He knows every word to every song Sirius has released, just from listening to them in his car when he's feeling really sentimental. He can't keep himself from recognising lyrics, hooks and little chord progressions that Sirius created while they were together.
He moved away the moment he got signed, and Remus hasn't seen him since. He's done two world tours and a fair few one off concerts, but he's never once come back. They haven't spoken once in those five years, but Remus doesn't have the heart to delete Sirius' number. He's pretty sure he has it memorised anyway, so it wouldn't do him any good to delete it.
"He'd better do a concert!" Marlene's voice pulls Remus out of his daze, as he tries his best to level his breathing, rooting through his bag and refusing to look up. "I've been waiting for us to finally get one!"
"Yeah, he dodges us like the plague!"
"Well... he did grow up here," Lily starts explaining. "He wouldn't have to come back at all."
No, he wouldn't.
Why the hell is he back?
"D'you really think he's going to do a concert?" Mary asks, clasping their hands together.
"This is how all of his one night only concerts have gone! He shows up, then a few hours later his tickets go on sale!" Marlene smiles triumphantly, and Remus shuts his eyes, back to them, trying to keep his head from spinning.
"Right, so we're going to have to be careful to make sure we get them," Lily says with a nod. "Someone stick his music on."
Remus turns around, then, eyes wide.
"Why?"
The three of them look at him a little like he's grown three heads.
"Manifesting?" Marlene says, as Mary starts tapping on their phone.
The next thing Remus knows, Sirius' most popular song is playing, A Pearl in the Darkened Sea.
Oh, fuck.
Remus feels sick.
The song he knows better than he knows himself is playing in his living room like it's nothing. The memory of Sirius writing it comes back into his head, why he wrote it, what the song really means.
"Hey, Remus?" Lily starts. Remus tries to fix his face. "If it's a concert, want to try to get a ticket with us?"
"Oh, er..." he starts, cringing a little at the hesitation in his voice. "No thanks."
"No thanks?" Marlene asks, stunned.
"Are you insane? This is the Sirius Black!"
"I know. I'm all good, thanks." He hopes that'll be enough for them, but they don't seem satisfied with that answer.
"He's literally taken the world by storm! He's stolen the hearts of the nation!" Mary says, and Remus almost wants to confess everything right then and there. He knows all about Sirius' ability to steal hearts, and he also knows how painfully that can end.
He's not going to say anything, though. Sirius is happy, Remus doesn't need to dig up the past and ruin it for him.
"Are you sure you don't want to try?"
"I'm sure." He looks at the three of them, feeling really fucking suffocated. "I've actually, er... I've got a headache, I'm going to go lay down."
"Need anything?" Lily asks him gently. He shakes his head, before making a beeline for his room.
The moment the door closes behind him, he takes to pacing around his cramped room.
"It's been five years, Remus," he mutters to himself. "Fucking pull yourself together; it's just weird now!" He stops in his tracks, pressing a palm to his growing migraine. Sure, the days have gotten easier, he spends a lot less time crying over Sirius, but surely he should be over him entirely by now! He shouldn't be freaking out over rumours of him being back in town!
Rumours.
Fuck, that's literally all they are.
There's no confirmation, Sirius hasn't said anything himself. Even if he had, how does that affect Remus? It shouldn't matter that they're in the same place. It shouldn't be important that he's back in the spaces that they used to share.
He vaguely hears a knock at the door as he tries to force himself to stop thinking. The music stops as he gets back to pacing, trying to walk off the anxious energy he's stuck with.
"Oh my god. Oh, my god!" Lily's voice is loud enough, startled enough, to catch Remus' attention. "You're..."
"Uhm... hi."
Oh.
Oh, shit.
Remus knows that voice.
He knows that voice better than he knows his own voice.
"You're Sirius Black!" Mary exclaims, stunned.
"I am." His voice is muffled, but it's him. Unmistakably, undeniably him. "I also... may have the wrong flat." Remus doesn't even realise that he's scrambling to his bedroom door until he's fumbling with the handle. "Does Remus Lupin live here? Or... anywhere near here?"
Hearing his name in Sirius' perfect fucking voice has him practically shoving the door open, bursting into the living room just in time for all of his roommates to turn and look at him.
He can barely see them, though.
Sirius is here.
Standing in his doorway, beautiful silver eyes on Remus like he's stunned to see him. As if he hasn't just shown up at Remus' flat.
"Sirius," he breathes.
"Rem." The nickname seems to slip out, snapping Sirius out of his daze. "Remus. Hi."
He has so many questions. Too many questions. Why he's here, how he's still so perfect, why he hasn't been able to get Sirius out of his head.
"...how did you know where I live?" He asks instead.
"James told me," he admits sheepishly.
"Of course he did," Remus says with a fond shake of his head. "He was probably falling over himself to tell you." He walks over to the doorway, keeping a careful distance so his resolve doesn't crack and he doesn't burst into tears, holding onto the man he hasn't seen in five years and begging him to stay forever.
"How'd you know?" Sirius asks sarcastically, and Remus can't help the smile that creeps onto his face. "I... I just wanted... could we talk?"
Talk.
Just talk.
Five years, and Sirius shows up acting like he wants to ask him about the English essay that he definitely could have done by himself.
At whatever look is on Remus' face, Sirius suddenly turns hesitant. Remus hasn't seen him like this in years. Sirius for the public is nothing but confident; all big smiles, standing tall and speaking without a single stumble.
"If- you can say no. I'll go. I just- I didn't want- I thought it was worth-"
"I'd really like to talk," Remus says softly.
"Oh, thank fuck," Sirius exhales, drawing a laugh out of Remus before he can help himself. Remus steps aside, gesturing for Sirius to come inside. When he turns to lead both of them over to the kitchen, he realises that his roommates are all standing and staring at them, wide eyed.
"Could, er... could you guys give us some time alone?" Remus asks, as Sirius situates himself on one of the kitchen counter stools. Christ, it's alien, seeing Sirius here, as glamorous and perfect as always and looking really bloody anxious. When his roommates don't move, he walks over to them. "Guys. Please."
"You- you're-" Marlene gestures, clearly in shock.
"Please?"
Lily seems to snap out of it, then.
"Right, yeah. Yes, of course." She grabs Mary and Marlene by the elbows, pulling the three of them into her room and shutting the door behind her.
Thank God.
He turns to Sirius with an uncertain smile.
"D'you want something to drink?" Remus asks, flicking the kettle on.
They end up with a mug of tea each, Remus sliding into the seat beside Sirius.
"Can't believe you take your tea exactly the same," Remus says with a smile.
"What can I say? I'm a creature of habit," Sirius says back. "You do the same too, thank you very much!"
"Alright, alright, I'm a hypocrite." They lapse into silence for a second, Remus at a loss for words. He still can't believe that this is real.
"Sorry. I know this probably came out of nowhere," Sirius says softly.
"Just a bit," Remus answers back.
"How did the English degree go?" He asks with a smile.
"Graduated with a first," Remus answers. "I finish my masters this year."
"'Course. You've always been a genius."
"Shut up, I have not."
"You have! Why d'you think I always came to you for essay help?"
"Because you fancied the pants off me and that was the easiest way to get me alone?" He asks with the arch of an eyebrow. Sirius smiles, caught.
"Okay, yeah, that sounds about right. Doesn't mean I don't think you're a genius, though." After a second, Sirius takes a deep breath, letting his eyes slide closed for half a second. "Do you ever think about us?" Sirius watches Remus anxiously, and Remus nods once. He's not quite ready to admit how much he thinks about them. About Sirius. "About... how it all ended?"
How could he forget?
It was one of the worst nights of Remus' life. A lot of shouting and tears, all ending with Remus telling Sirius to "just fucking go then!" immediately followed by Sirius storming out.
"Yeah," he admits quietly.
"I... fuck it. Rem, I replay that night in my head far too often. I- I don't really recognise us in it, d'you know what I mean?" Remus huffs an empty laugh.
"Yeah, I don't either. We... I don't really recognise us at all, towards the end." He starts playing with his fingers.
"What happened, Rem?"
"We were both a bit traumatised," Remus starts, and Sirius nods in agreement. "And we were both stubborn gits who wouldn't go to therapy about it."
"I think I just thought you didn't want me anymore," Sirius confesses quietly. "So I started trying to... I don't know, test the waters? Pull away, see if it did anything?" Remus shoots him a bit of a disbelieving look, and Sirius buries his head in his hands with a groan. It's a gesture so unbelievably Sirius-like that Remus wants to rake his fingers through his hair and bring him back out of his shell in the same way he did when they were a kid. "I know! It was fucking stupid! I just figured... I don't even know what I figured. I think I just didn't want to have to ask, y'know? Hear you say that you weren't interested in me anymore."
"I was into you. Christ, Sirius, you were my whole bloody world. I was just..." He sighs, not sure if he really wants to admit this. "You weren't going to move."
"What?"
"I overheard you talking to James. The record deal, moving to London? You were going to refuse it. I just... you're so fucking talented, and I didn't want you to have to gamble with the deal and risk losing it because of me. Sirius, look how far you've gotten. I couldn't be the one to get in the way of that, so I... I tried to make you see that you could live without me. Your dreams should come first."
"You..." Sirius' eyes scan across Remus' face, and he shakes his head to himself. "Trust you to be too bloody selfless." His affectionate smile fades, replaced by so much sincerity that Remus is a little taken aback by it. "Remus, all I wanted was you." He runs a hand through his hair. "I would have been happy in a cramped little flat in the middle of nowhere if it meant we could grow old together. I wrote songs for me. For you. Even now, they belong to us. Not everybody else. I still have so many that nobody else is going to get to see."
"Yeah, I remember every song you wrote."
"You do?"
"Course I do."
"I promise, I never wanted Pearl in the Darkened Sea to go out to the public. The label was going through my lyric book and found it. I... couldn't talk them out of it." He sounds surprisingly apologetic, and Remus wants to jump to reassure him.
"Hey, don't worry. I... it was actually really nice to be able to hear it."
"You still listen to it?"
"Don't tell my roommates." Sirius nods with a smile.
"Secret's safe with me." Remus watches Sirius consider his words carefully.
"You okay?" Remus asks softly.
"I miss you so much," he confesses in a rush. "I- I still want to talk to you about anything and everything, I can't write without thinking of you, and I spend an embarrassing amount of time thinking about us." He speaks quickly, not looking Remus in the eye.
"I miss you too. Fucking hell, Sirius, I miss you every day." Sirius' eyes meet his and, for a second, the two of them just look at each other. He watches as Sirius' face sets determinedly.
"I'm still in love with you."
Oh.
"You..."
"I never stopped loving you, Remus." This time, he doesn't look away from Remus, suddenly brave. "I know that might be a bit much, and I know you're probably over the breakup, and that's okay. I'll be okay. I just... I'd really like to have you back in my life, in any way that you're comfortable with. I just figure, if I want that, then I need to be as honest as I can. I spent a long time in love with you from a distance, I can do it as friends-"
He can't say anything else, because Remus is kissing him.
The impulse is an age old one, but he surprises himself a little by listening to his gut.
He's never been more grateful for his instincts in his life, as Sirius makes out a muffled noise of surprise, before throwing himself into the kiss earnestly. His lips are soft and familiar, bringing such a feeling of warmth and safety that Remus could cry.
The kiss is desperate, both trying to pull one another impossibly closer, limited by the distance of their chairs. Remus' hands go from his waist, to the nape of his neck, to his jaw, into his hair, trying to reach at every single piece of Sirius that he hadn't had in front of him for five fucking years. When Sirius reaches out, fingers hooking on the chain around Remus' neck and moving to pull him closer, Remus practically falls off his chair. It's enough of a stumble to break them apart, Remus having to get his bearings before their eyes meet.
"Hi," Sirius says quietly, eyes shining.
"Hi."
"I love you so much."
"I love you too," Remus says back, reaching out to lace their fingers together. Sirius lifts their connected hands, kissing all of Remus' knuckles one at a time. "So... we're trying again, yeah?" Sirius nods.
"With one hundred percent honesty, though." Remus nods, in fervent agreement.
"Guess I'm your groupie, now."
"Shut up," Sirius says, rolling his eyes affectionately as he connects their lips again. "You're my everything."