Work Text:
"E quindi prendimi, mordimi, toglimi tutto"
"Ma continuerò a non avere la paura del buio"
"Ed anche quando sarò giù per terra distrutto"
"Continuerò a non avere la paura del buio"
"E quindi sputami, strappami i vestiti di dosso"
"Continuerò a non avere la paura del buio"
"E quindi comprami, vendimi, fammi di tutto"
"Sei soltanto tu ad avere la paura del buio, noi no"
"Noi no, io no, io"
Rin adjusted the blue headphones decorated with drawings of stars made with permanent marker and stickers while listening to the song La paura del buio by Måneskin
La paura del buio...the fear of the dark...
Rin took the electronic cigarette in his hand and inhaled it
He let the bitter, pungent tasting smoke enter his lungs, causing him a mild euphoria from the nicotine, and then exhaled it through his mouth, letting out the smoke that smelled of cherries
Rin took the set squares and placed them on the sheet of paper, placing them straight, drawing a line perpendicular to another line. He tried not to press with the pencil otherwise the mark would have remained on the paper and the professor would have scolded him again and honestly he didn't want to and in the meantime he tried to let go while hearing the beautiful song with foreign words
He had listened to that song many, many times but he never stopped to listening it, he loved all the songs they made in general, famous and less famous like Vent'anni and Torna a casa, but that one will remain his favorite
He admits that it took him a while to understand the meaning, but after he understood it he realizes that the song is like it was talking about him, he identified with the message of the song. Defeating the fears...his fears
But he hated this fear of his, he hated how it prevented him from creating a future for himself, leaving him clinging to the consequences of everything that had happened in the past, in that night, with him, with him
But he didn't want to suffer again, again, again
He took another drag of smoke, but this time it inspired much more than before
He was trying to overcome that obstacle. He had new friends, few but he had them, he would soon graduate and have a job and finally...he had Isagi, someone who loved him
He remembered the boy a year older than him, short, with blue hair and large eyes of the same color that showed liveliness and determination, who was in Germany at that moment to become the greatest striker in history. Isagi was important to him, he had been in love with him since he was thirteen. They had spent many moments together and he had never left him alone in times of need, not even after what happened with
Remembering it made his cheeks warm, he missed him so much and hoped that the break would come soon so he would see him again
He was the only person he trusted, he was his best friend and boyfriend, he knows everything about Rin and Rin knows everything about him. But that fear that he tried to hide inside made him doubt Isagi's love, he was afraid that he would abandon him too...but Isagi had sensed it and made him understand that he would never let him go, he would always love him now and in all possible and imaginable universes (he remembered how Isagi screamed on TV during the match of U-20 when he was still in Blue Lock that the victory was for him, his face turned red as soon as he heard it on the TV)
Fuck, it was getting late and he hadn't finished his homework yet
He was in the bar under his house, accompanied by a coffee and some cinamonrolls forgotten some time ago on the large counter occupied by his sheet now dirty with graphite residue, pencil case with hard graphite pencils and precision erasers, steel set squares that make a deafening noise every time they fall, ruler and compass, obviously his books could not be missing, after all he had been studying there since it was afternoon
Luckily the owners of the bar know him and therefore allow him to stay as long as he wants, reminding him to take short breaks while studying and to have snacks that can give him energy. They looked like the parents he never had
He cracked his back and neck because he had been sitting hunched over with his head down for so long, he would have become a shrimp
Rin took the compass and drew a circle at point A, he hoped he had placed the iron tip well because if he made a mistake even by a millimetre the drawing would come out badly
Of course in architecture precision was needed, if he made a mistake even by a millimeter the drawing would come out wrong. He still remembers when the professor said that if two parallel lines were not the same distance, at a point of infinity they would meet and would no longer be parallel, the professor made it seem tragic and when he remembered it he laughed all over
He couldn't afford to make a mistake, everything had to be perfect or he swears to god he would tear whatever that drawing is, he was already holding back from tearing it and he didn't care if he was dead tired, things had to come out perfect. He wasn't as good as the others, but he was trying and at least he should do things right...
He rubbed his eyes and took a deep breath, he was sleepy. He took another sip of his now cold coffee and looked at the next steps to follow in the book
"Tu tornerai da me con l'aria stanca"
"Porterai dei tagli sulle braccia"
"Sei rimasta sola sulla barca
"Riconosco i segni sulla faccia"
"Tu tornerai da me con le mani giunte"
"Tornerai da me"
—Itoshi Rin.—
The squares moved causing the line to become crooked, like his mood at that moment as he looked up
There was Itoshi Sae himself sitting in front of him, looking arrogant and careless, with a shirt and sunglasses over his hair
At that moment he was hoping that in his place it was actually the pick me girl he hates who goes to school with him, but the world hates him and so it puts the person at the top of his blacklist, there
"Tu tornerai da me con le mani giunte"
"Tu tornerai da me"
He took the phone and turned off the song
—Do you want to eat something?— He said without looking up and trying to stay calm and took the eraser to erase the crooked line. Whyof all people, fucking Itoshi Sae had to be here, especially at that moment. Couldn't he come the day of his death?
—Look at me when I talk to you— Sae said with a sharp voice and looking at Rin with an unnerved look, Sae wasn't a patient person, he never had been, and he couldn't keep up with Rin's tantrums anymore, he has to talk to him and understand what was going on in his little brother's head
Rin, sighing, put the pencil on the table and looked tiredly at his brother, but inside him there was a whirlwind of emotions; why he was here, what he wanted from him, years had passed but he still wasn't ready to talk to him, he was afraid that if he said something he would start to cry. But he had to be strong, he couldn't let him see that he was weak
He looked up and looked him straight in the eyes, one should never avoid looking. Sae finally got a good look at his face; Shidou, that demon who broke his balls, he told him Rin changed, but...he didn't think he had changed that much
In front of him there was no longer that child who always followed him, with big eyes and always bright and full of curiosity, with that shy smile and those red, round cheeks. No, no. In front of him there is a now adult boy, with a face without childish features and decorated with piercings and with small and tired eyes but which showed a hint of restlessness, made up with black eye pencil which highlighted the aqua green of the iris, he no longer had plump and rosy cheeks but they were pale and without a smile and he also had long dyed hair. He never imagined he would even remotely see that version of Rin
Then he took something, put it in his mouth and inhaled it and then let out the smoke which had a cherry smell but was strangely unpleasant...he smoked, his brother smoked. Sae immediately snatched the cigarette from Rin's hands looking alarmed
—You've changed, when did you started to smoke?— Sae wanted to say something else but that's what came out of his mouth, mouth and brain at that moment were not cooperating at all
—And when did you care about others rather than yourself?— He took back his cigarette under Sae's frowning gaze. He was sincerely worried about his brother, he knew that smoking was bad for people by creating cancer and lung trauma, he even knew athletes who smoked and had breathing problems. He hoped he wasn't smoking a joint
Sae watched in silence as Rin puffed on his cigarette to expel the dull, foul-smelling smoke from his nose and into the air. He wanted to tell him to stop, but he knew that Rin would then yell at him, he acts like a cat that wants to protect himself by showing his claws, small and angry but cute at the same time
—Smoking is bad, especially at your age— Rin wanted to laugh, worrying about him at that moment wouldn't work, he's not like that child looking for the attention of his mythical older brother. Or at least that's what he said in his mind
—Say what you want from me— Straight to the point, Sae thought, after all it wasn't worth beating around the bush, sooner or later it would happen, as much as he hated it
—Why did you leave football— Sae asked quickly
—Excuse me?— Rin looked at him questioningly, had he left Spain and arrived in Brooklyn and the USA just to ask him that? How lukewarm of him
—Why did you quit soccer, why are you in America doodling on drawings, why instead of training are you here smoking and drinking coffee, since when have you been drinking coffee— Rin noticed that the arrogance in Sae's voice faltered, he seemed strangely desperate and worried, as Isagi had told him
—Rinnie, you know I think Sae might come to you one day— Isagi told him once while they were on the phone
—Why do you think that?— Rin asked, why would he go to him when he explicitly said that he wasn't interested in him anymore and that he wasn't of any use to him anymore
—Well, one time I was in the locker room where I hear this guy, Shidou, that strange guy who had played for U-20 and was exclusively picked by your brother, talking to Sae about you...I wanted to ask more but I think your brother is still interested in you— Isagi said on the other end of the phone while Rin frowned. Strange, he thinked
—Why should I tell you?— Rin asked, twirling a lock of hair and looking into Sae's aquamarine eyes
—Because I'm your older brother—
—You're lying, my nii-chan is dead, you're just a random person I don't know and pretending to be my brother— Sae felt something in his heart, he felt bad hearing that sentence but he tried not to show it but Rin already understood it
—You're a coward who runs away in fear because you know you're weak— Sae said, he wanted to provoke him on purpose, as he had already done. Rin looked at him taking another puff of cigarette smoke feeling the slight euphoria caused by the nicotine, he wanted to protest about that insult, but he knew Sae was smart and he knows he would let the insult carry him away and respond with some bullshit. He took a deep breath, he had to respond intelligently
—I'm just a person doing what I love— Rin stated, he was really trying to stay calm, breathe in and out
—You do it because you don't know what to do, you're so lukewarm that you quit soccer because I told you to do it since I didn't need you anymore— Sae was disappointed in Rin. He thought that after he left him he would continue to fight out of anger but it didn't go as planned and it cost him everything he had built with him, all their memories thrown away
—I'm doing this because the person I played soccer for is gone— Rin said looking into his eyes, Sae looked even more disappointed, what he had done was for nothing?
—That's why you're lukewarm— Sae spat out
—You're right, I didn't express myself well. I wanted to say that the person I started football for to spend time with him has left and so now I'm here doing something I like to do—
What? Sae thought, what...- oh...OH
Sae looked with surprised eyes at Rin who had a look that was not at all troubled. How could he understand this only now, Sae wondered
He should have understood, he should have asked him if that was what he really wanted to do. Sae is only now realizing that he ruined his entire childhood and it was all his fault
All that time he thought that Rin actually liked soccer but it depended so much on him that he didn't want to improve and that's why he did all that...
Oh Rin, sorry...
—I...— Sae looked at Rin with a guilty expression
Rin took another drag of smoke and blew it out in Sae's face, he wrinkled his nose at the bad smell. Rin looked at Sae, it wasn't worth staying this long, yes, he hurt him but he is still his brother and he misses him
—I apologize to you— Rin then said, Sae didn't understand. He was the one who had to apologize, why was Rin doing it?
—I apologize for reacting like that when you said you were going to be a midfielder, I was overwhelmed and surprised that a lifelong dream had changed in, I don't know, four years?— Sae felt even worse, he had understood everything wrong and because of him heruined everything. The demon was right...
He should have understood Rin more, he should have talked to him about everything, about why he should change his dream, about making it better, he should have assisted him and protected him. But he didn't do any of this, he felt like a failure as a brother
But was it too late to fix it?
The demon told him several times that it wasn't too late to do so, that he should clear things up with him, tell him the truth, after all, now he knew where he lived. But he thought that going there and provoking him again would work, but...
—After what happened in Spain, I just realized that I wasn't strong enough to become a striker...— Rin lowered his cigarette, looking at him strangely
—What do you mean— Sae didn't know whether to continue, but he had already started. He took a deep breath
—Leonardo Luna...this person...had made my life hell— Rin had already understood, his suspicions were true, he remembers a Leonardo Luna that Isagi had told him about once, he already disliked him from the description
—They bullied you because you were a foreigner— Sae didn't answer, the silence spoke and Rin confirmed the suspicions he'd had since he was sixteen. He knew it was something that happened, it had happened to him too when he arrived in the USA but he was able to immediately put them in their place. But apparently they went hard on him, he felt bad for his nii-chan, he swears that if he just sees them...wait, did he say nii-chan?
—I thought that by telling you those things you would finally leave me to become strong and independent in soccer...— He whispered, still embarrassed for having misunderstood
—We were both wrong, it seems...— Rin took another drag of smoke, he didn't know how many he had taken that evening and there was that architecture job that had been abandoned for a while
Sae stood up and knelt down in front of Rin, taking his hands
—I'm not asking you to forgive me, but I want to try to be the brother who died for you again, can I?— Sae asked, the breeze moving their hair. Rin still felt anxious, he couldn't understand what was happening
—I want to make up for it, I want to make up for this stupid mistake I made. Please, I want to be your nii-chan again— Rin took another drag on his cigarette
"Tu tornerai da me con le mani giunte"
"Tornerai da me"
—I also want you to be my nii-chan again—