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When Clarke Griffin hit the highway she let out the breath she had been holding for 13 days, 3 hours, and 26 minutes. She was driving east towards nowhere as the sun set and the sky had never looked so big and full of possibilities as it did in that moment. The sky was so large that everything, even her car, even her hands, looked tenuously small and fragile. The insignificance of her life comforted her in that moment. Whether she fell apart or not, life would go on, and the earth would keep on spinning. Recently her life had been excellent proof of that.
Clarke couldn’t help but let out a bitter laugh when she thought of the way her life had changed these past two weeks. She was just about to turn 18 and had been done with high school for all of six days when her father had died of a brain tumor no one had known he even had. When her mother had called her, devastation in her voice, Clarke had felt sick. She had just received the worst news of her life, and next to her, Raven and Wells were flirting, oblivious, some kid had just dropped his ice cream and was running towards his mother, crying, and someone let out an improbably loud laugh. The world was in perfect Technicolor when Clarke’s life was turned upside down, and she was forced to see it move on as if nothing had happened, when, for her, it was in fact the opposite.
All her life her dad had been the constant in her life. They had always been a family of nomads, mostly because of her mother’s job, but Clarke had never minded. She had mostly loved always being on the road, all on their way to a new and unknown destination, but it had taken its toll on her too. It was Jake who had insisted they stick around in Arkadia, Oregon, a small town near Portland, until Clarke was done with high school. She had let it slip that she would really miss the friends she had made there if they left, and so, they had stayed. Clarke let herself really bond with Raven, who was an honest to god genius, and Monty, a shy and incredibly kind boy, and his best friend Jasper, who could make an explosion out of anything and couldn’t talk to girls he liked if his life depended on it, and Wells who was careful and well-guarded but one of the best people she knew.
She decided to run away for awhile on a Monday. She had never thought of her new friends as a burden before, but that day she had almost felt suffocated. Arkadia had become a safe haven, a home even, for her over these past three years but she was having a very hard time thinking of the place as her home without her dad there.
She felt the loss of Jake Griffin, no longer as an acute stabbing sensation in her solar plexus but more like a dull ache that never left her body, and the beginning resentment towards the kids who didn’t deserve it and she decided to take the car and go on one last drive to honor her father’s memory. That car was where she had grown up with her father and mother on the front seat, listening to their cheesy country music or her Disney cd’s, with car games, and singing along loudly and off-key, and laughter and the joy of the open road and the promise of somewhere new making nothing seem impossible.
She needed to get away before her friends smothered her to death and this way she wouldn’t have to be a bitch to get them to leave her alone. This way there was a possibility that they would still be her friends if she returned some day.
So she had left, when her mother had gone to bed early, another reminder of what had happened. (Abby had always been the last person to go to sleep, but now Clarke would bump in to her mother before she went to sleep in the early morning hours, already awake with a cup of coffee and dark circles under her eyes, and when Clarke was eating dinner, it was alone, because Abby was already asleep.) Leaving the house was exhilarating in a way nothing was anymore. She had shoved some essentials in a bag, grabbed the keys and some cash from their emergency stash, and as a last impulse she grabbed her art supplies from her room and threw them in the trunk. Then she was on the road, and even though the dull pain was still there, she already felt more at ease. She had a purpose and she felt closer to her father than she had since the funeral.
***
Clarke drove all through the night only stopping for gas and the occasional visit to the bathroom. Her phone had been quiet, something she was grateful for. At around nine in the morning Clarke pulled up at a gas station with a diner that didn’t look like it would actively try to give her food poisoning. Her stomach had started growling a couple of hours ago, but she had pushed herself, wanting to get as far away from Arcadia as she could, before stopping for more than a couple of minutes.
When she had filled up the tank she went in search of a parking spot and found that the only available one was being blocked by a boy around her age, or maybe a little older, and a girl who looked to be about 13 years old. They were standing in the middle of the road, a couple of bags by their feet, and were having what looked like a fight so Clarke figured honking at them to get them to move probably wasn’t the best course of action. She drove up and rolled down her window.
She cleared her throat and both of their heads snapped over to look at her.
“Hey, um, you guys are kind of blocking that spot. I would find another, except it’s the only available one so…”
The boy scowled at her with such contempt that she almost wished she had just honked at them instead, but then he nodded, pulling the girl after him as he left the road.
She pulled into the space, got out, and went to the trunk to grab her toothbrush and a clean shirt. Without meaning to she picked up bits of the pair’s conversation.
“Jesus Bell, calm down, it’s not like this is the end of the world.”
“Calm down?! Our bus exploded. I think this is one of those situations where you are actually allowed to freak out a little, O.” The boy pulled at his hair, obviously frustrated and there was something about that gesture that made Clarke want to take care of him. He looked about as lost as she felt.
“At least we have our bags. It could have been a lot worse.”
The girl, probably his sister, given the way they talked to each other, and the slight resemblance between them, seemed calmer, if not just as lost as her brother. Listening to them argue, Clarke got an unbelievably bad idea, and before she told herself it would be inappropriate and weird, not to mention incredibly dangerous to offer a ride to two complete strangers she spoke up again.
“I could probably drive you to a bus stop somewhere if you wanted. I mean… yeah.”
The boy, Bell, was it? looked at her and the scowl returned. Like a mask sliding in to place, his face closed off and arrogance or maybe even contempt replaced the softness and frustration she had seen just moments before.
“Look, princess, we’ll be fine. I’m sure you have better things to do than to pick up random people at gas stations.”
She ignored his dig at her shirt. It was her favorite. Her dad had gotten her the shirt with the pink bubble gum princess print at some amusement park on her fifteenth birthday and it was threadbare, but still miraculously fit her, and she loved it.
“I actually really don’t.”
“You really don’t – “
His sister, he had called her Octavia, cut him off before he could finish declining a second time.
“Bellamy Blake. We are stranded, and this nice girl is offering to drive us,” She drew out the last two words, like she was talking to an infant, and it made Clarke smile slightly. “so stop being an asshole and take her up on her offer.”
Bellamy, and god she loved that name already, it was a name that would slide off your tongue almost too easily, grinded his teeth and set his shoulders.
“Fine. Why don’t we get something to eat then, and figure out where the closest bus stop is?”
She shrugged in agreement and headed towards the diner. Octavia squealed with delight and bounced after her, introducing herself as, “Octavia Blake, the smart Blake sibling. And the nice one.” Clarke told them her name and when the waitress came to take their orders (pancakes for Octavia and Bellamy, it was some kind of tradition for them, and waffles with extra whipped cream for Clarke), Octavia had filled her in on their situation.
“So like, Bellamy got into Columbia in New York on a full scholarship, so we decided to leave our crappy home town to live on the East Coast, and we sold his car to afford the move, so we had to take the bus, but the bus literally exploded with fire and everything, and we missed the replacement bus, because someone,” she threw a pointed glare at Bellamy who flipped her his middle finger, “had to argue with his girlfriend for half an hour in the fucking bathroom.”
Clarke was honestly impressed at both the speed and amount of words leaving Octavia’s mouth. She seemed like the sort of person who never ran out of things to talk about.
“I honestly don’t have any specific destination in mind right now, so I could probably drive you there, if you chipped in for gas.”
She offered without even meaning to. This was supposed to be just her and the memory of her dad, but these two kids had that look in their eyes. The one she had seen in her own eyes lately, and she wanted to help them. It didn’t hurt that Octavia was like a hurricane of excitement and enthusiasm that made her smile again and again, or that when Bellamy smiled at his sister, his entire face changed, grew softer and gentler, and yeah, he was kind of attractive in a sullen and dorky sort of way.
She was almost one hundred percent certain they wouldn’t murder her in her sleep, so that was a plus too.
“Drive us where?” Bellamy looked so suspicious, she almost wanted to mess with him a little, but he looked like he had, had a long day already.
“New York, I guess.”
“You would drive across the country with two people you have literally just met, for a bit of gas money. Why?”
She smiled at Bellamy, sweetness almost dripping like honey, mostly to piss him off.
“Because I can’t go home and I have nothing better to do. If you help me find an ATM I could honestly do it for free. My mom is loaded and she probably hasn’t cut me off yet, but we should hurry up and do it before she figures out I’m gone.”
When she mentioned her mom she saw his face close off, and she figured they had probably had a rough time with money. There was no reason for her to feel guilty, but she did all the same.
“We are not your fucking charity. I can pay for gas.”
She was about to snap back at him again when her phone chimed with a text. It was from Raven. She noticed that her mom had called a couple of times too.
Hesitating a little, she finally decided to just get it over with and open it.
CLARKE! where are u?
Another text ticked in.
Your mom is freaking out. CALL ME!
Bellamy cleared his throat.
“Fine, you can pay for gas, but I’ll totally pay for motels or whatever, I was going to do that anyway.”
“Agreed.”
Another text made her phone chime, this time from Monty.
Clarke, we are all really worried. If you just need to be alone, just tell me, I will call the others. Love you.
Of course Monty would be understanding and gentle with her. It almost broke her heart for what felt like the 100th time in two weeks.
She decided to text Raven back, because she figured it would be easier to deal with her, and also because she would probably cry right here in this shitty diner if Wells or her mom texted her too.
I’m fine. Had to get out for a while. Tell Abby not to worry.
As soon as the text was marked read her phone started ringing. She sighed and something about her face must have told the Blake siblings to be cautious.
“If you need to get that, we can just begin loading our things in your car or whatever,” Octavia said, voice almost gentle.
“It’s just my friend, it’s fine. Let me just pay for the food and we can find an ATM and get going.”
Her phone kept on ringing however and finally she decided to just get it over with.
“Clarke Griffin you fucking idiot.”
“Love you too Raven.”
“You sure know how to make a dramatic exit, I’ll give you that. You could have left a note or something. Everyone is out of their mind. Your mom has been calling hospitals for Christ’s sake.”
“I honestly did not think she even would notice this fast.”
Raven sighed on the other end.
“Listen, just tell me where you are, and I’ll come get you.”
“No. This is something I have to do. I’m going to drive for awhile, and when I can go two minutes without wanting to scream I’ll come back, I promise.”
“At least let me come with you.”
“Raven…”
“I just really hate the idea of you being all alone. You never know what kinds of shitbags you can meet out there.”
“I’m not alone. I picked up hitchhikers.”
“You what?! Clarke, if you get yourself killed I swear I will kick your ass.”
“Wouldn’t that be a neat trick. I’ll be fine, they seem nice.”
“Yeah, until they murder you in your sleep.”
“Then you get to say I told you so, so either way it’s a win for you. “
“Clarke, this isn’t exactly a win for any of us. Everybody’s worried.
“Just… Tell my mom I love her, and that this is how I say goodbye to him, OK? I gotta go.”
“Fine, I will. Just please text me whenever you get a chance so I know you’re alive or whatever. And promise you’ll come back when you can.”
“I promise.”
When she hung up she was glad she had taken the call. She couldn’t avoid it forever, and hopefully now everyone would give her a little space.
She turned around and it was clear that Bellamy and Octavia had heard most of the conversation. Octavia looked curious and kind of worried, and Bellamy raised his eyebrows with a question she decided not to answer.
“Are you guys ready?”
Octavia snapped out of whatever she was thinking and threw her a thumbs up.
“Yup! I called shotgun.”
And then she was on the road again, but this time it was with a sense of purpose that wasn’t entirely unwelcome. If all she had to do to feel like an actual human being again was drive almost 3000 miles across the entire country, then so be it.
***
Once the novelty of this new situation wore off Clarke discovered a couple of things. First, Bellamy Blake was an asshole. Whenever she asked him questions to fill the awkward pauses where even Octavia had run out of things to say, he answered in grunts and non-committal gestures, and it just really grated on her. She was doing him a favor, and he was acting like she kidnapped him or something.
Second, Octavia was amazingly non-assholey. She talked a mile a minute and Clarke found herself smiling more and more frequently, listening to the girl’s stories of everything between heaven and earth. Clarke learned that Octavia was 14 years old and due to start high school when summer was over, and she was nervous, sure, but also ready to face this new thing.
Third, basically their entire life story could be based on a Greek tragedy. They didn’t have the same father, because Bellamy’s had died before he was even born, and Octavia’s had split when she was 3 years old, after cleaning out all of their accounts. After that their mother had struggled with alcohol for a while, but had gotten herself straight, eventually, or so they had thought. Bellamy had been 18 when their mother had died of an overdose, leaving them both parentless, and instead of letting Octavia be sucked into foster care he had fought for custody, working several jobs, and had taken a year off before going college to care for her, and make sure they were good financially. The scholarship had been practically a miracle for them, and now they were on their way.
Clarke hadn’t exactly known how to react to Octavia’s overshare, so she just kept silent, and listened to the matter-of-fact voice of the girl beside her. Bellamy had just grunted or groaned occasionally, whenever his sister’s tone had been approaching hero worshipping. He obviously didn’t want any credit for taking care of his sister, but Clarke couldn’t help but give it to him anyway. Not many of the boys she had gone to school with would have done the same thing. She had only lost one parent and she was basically falling apart, so what he had done for Octavia seemed almost impossible to her.
“Jesus O, she doesn’t want to hear all this. You are depressing the shit out of me.”
“Shut up Bell, no one dialed your telephone number.”
“Very mature.”
Octavia twisted in her seat and stuck her tongue out at her brother, and the tension that had been in the car moments before was gone. Clarke fiddled with the radio and found some generic pop channel that made Bellamy groan.
“My car, my music. Deal with it.”
“I have to listen to this shit every day because of my sister, I honestly hoped you had better taste.”
“Nope,” she said popping the p. “I have just as shitty taste in music as any other American teenage girl. I might even still have some Disney CD’s in the glove compartment somewhere.
“I will slit my wrists right here in this backseat if you do that to me.” He looked like he was in actual physical pain when he said it, and Clarke almost let out a giggle.
“You’re a drama queen, Blake.”
She pulled into a rest stop to let Bellamy drive for a while after an hour of Disney music and almost an hour of Bellamy letting out sounds reminiscent of a wounded whale whenever something about the music was especially horrible to him. Clarke was surprised at how eerily empty the rest stop was. There was no people eating at the concrete tables, no kids playing in the tiny strip of grass.
She was waiting for Octavia to finish in the bathroom when she looked down and saw a small and beautiful rock. It was completely smooth to the touch but something in it made it catch the light and glitter in the beating afternoon sun.
Bellamy walked over and saw her examining the stone.
“Pretty.” He smirked, and she rolled her eyes at him.
When he turned his back she stuck the stone in her pocket and sat in the back seat of the car. She hadn’t slept in over 30 hours and she seriously needed a nap. Before she fell asleep she decided to check her phone. Her mother had called a couple more times and even texted once.
I just want to talk to you, Clarke. Please pick up.
She decided to call her mother in the evening, just to say hi. Clarke and her mother had always been on different pages, but she knew she had been an asshole when she had just left. She deserved whatever her mother would throw at her, and it would probably just be worse, the longer she waited.
She sent a quick “I’m alive and have not been ax murdered” text to Raven and lay down on the seat. The quiet murmured conversation between the Blake siblings lulled her to sleep, and for the first time since her father’s death she didn’t wake up screaming from some horrible nightmare. She wasn’t exactly sure what that meant but she wasn’t complaining.
She did however wake up to someone touching her shoulder, tentatively shaking it. Opening her eyes, she realized it was Bellamy, looking very self-conscious. When he spoke, at first his tone was softer, more private, than it had been before.
“We pulled over at a motel for the night, we’ve had a really long day, and you’ve been asleep for awhile so…” And then, almost as if he realized who he was talking to, his voice became rougher, more guarded.
“You’re paying, princess.”
She grumbled in response, still half asleep, and discovered that, weirdly enough, it wasn’t great for your back to sleep in the backseat of a car that’s at least a decade older than you.
“Checkout’s at 11. Fair warning, I am not a morning person.”
She had paid in advance for a room with two queen sized beds. She figured she’d just share with Octavia or something. Bellamy did not share that opinion, however. He insisted on sleeping on the floor, no matter what she said.
“It’s really for your own good princess. She kicks in her sleep.”
“At least take some of these blankets, if you really want to be such a fucking martyr.”
He grinned and then tried to hide it with a cough, and she couldn’t help but think that he was kind of adorable, even if he was a gigantic pain in the ass.
They ate at some diner Bellamy had found and watched some television for a while, and when Octavia fell asleep, awkwardly curled around herself, Bellamy turned off the TV and the lights and went to sleep on the floor.
When she lay on the lumpy motel bed she knew she probably wouldn’t get a lot of sleep. Her nap earlier had taken the edge off, and she barely slept as it was anyway, even before. She looked around the room. Her eyes fell on the painting on the wall opposite the bed. There was something quietly funny about a painting of a sailboat in a motel located hundreds miles from any significant body of water. The room looked just like any motel room she had ever been in, and there was something comforting about it. If she closed her eyes she could almost hear her father’s heavy breathing, the one she had heard so many times before, and which never failed to make her fall asleep.
He wasn’t here though, and when she opened her eyes again she had to wipe away the wetness. She didn’t want to disturb Bellamy and Octavia so she grabbed the car keys and left the room. She fished out her notebook and her coals from the trunk and sat on the ground, back against the outside wall of their room.
She drew the parking lot, finding beauty in the small things around her, and enjoyed the feeling of the paper against her hands and the sound of the coal pencil scratching the surface. When she found herself drawing a set of hands again and again, strong hands, with long digits and freckles covering them, she told herself that it was just sleep deprivation. Subconsciously she knew who the hands belonged to, but that didn’t mean she had to admit it to herself. That was a problem future Clarke could deal with.
Miraculously enough she did find sleep pretty soon after laying down, for the second time that night. She should probably have known that the nightmares wouldn’t leave her alone two times in a row, but it still came as a shock to her when she woke up, bathed in sweat and gasping. Her entire body shook with the sob that escaped her and she almost choked trying to keep quiet. The last thing she wanted was to wake up her new travel companions.
When Bellamy’s head became visible at the end of her mattress, Clarke figured the universe was trying to punish her for something, god knew what.
“D-did I wake you?” She hated the way her voice shook. She hated crying in front of others, hated the weakness it made her feel, and how it felt like her soul was on display for the world to judge.
His voice was surprisingly gentle when he replied.
“Nah, someone was yelling outsided a while ago, so I was already awake.” He hesitated and she just sat, trying to get her erratic breathing under control.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
The fact that she actually did want to talk to him was probably a sign of how messed up she was right now, but whatever.
“What about Octavia.”
“She always sleeps like a log. One time I literally had to throw water in her face to wake her up.”
“Oh.”
Suddenly she had no idea what to say, so instead she scooted over on the mattress and patted the empty spot. Bellamy got up slowly and sat next to her, legs crossed and arms in his lap. His eyes were examining her face, like he could extract the answers from her without even asking the questions out loud.
When he broke the silence it surprised her.
“I used to get nightmares too.”
“Yeah?”
“After our mom died. They were mostly anxiety dreams, and I got over them eventually, but yeah.”
“I’ve had them a couple of weeks now. You’re the only one who knows actually.”
“Well, I won’t tell if you don’t.”
She smiled, a tiny smile in spite of herself. He seemed to draw it out of her whether she wanted to or not.
“Thanks.” She decided to try to get some more sleep, and when she had gotten comfortable on the bed he shifted, and got up.
“If the floor’s uncomfortable, the bed is pretty big, you know. I promise not to kick you in my sleep.”
He stood frozen for a couple of moments but then he smiled at her, the softness she had seen him direct at Octavia, present once again, as if he wanted to take care of her, as much as she had felt like she needed to take care of him that morning in the parking lot.
The bed was big enough that they didn’t have to touch, but Clarke could hear his breathing and she matched hers to it, letting him lull her to sleep, and soon she drifted into unconsciousness. She didn’t dream, and when she woke up a couple of hours later, he was gone, probably in the shower if the creaking pipes were any indication, and Clarke was sort of disappointed that she hadn’t woken up cuddled next to him or something. Octavia was still asleep, so Clarke pulled on some old shorts, a fresh t-shirt and went to buy some breakfast, and – even more importantly – coffee.
***
They didn’t talk about that night when they were on the road again, but the silence was less awkward and more comfortable. Octavia was reading in the back seat and Bellamy and Clarke were fighting over radio stations when she noticed the sign. She pointed it out to him and he stared at her, incredulous.
“No way, Clarke.”
She grinned, and Octavia looked up from her book, curious.
For some reason pissing him off, made her happier than she had been for a while so she decided to go for it.
“Hey Octavia, are you up for a quick pit stop?”
“Sure, where are we going?”
“No Clarke. I am vetoing.” She stuck out her tongue and he flipped her off.
“I have personally always wanted to see the world’s largest ball of yarn and apparently it is right here in rural Wyoming. How about that.”
“It is such a fucking scam. I guarantee they have signs like this all over America.”
Clarke said “Stop being such a pessimist Blake” at the exact same time as Octavia saying “Don’t get your panties in a twist Bell.”
They grinned at each other in the rear view mirror, and when the exit for the worlds largest ball of yarn came up Clarke took it, and Bellamy tried and failed to keep his mumbling at a minimum.
It was impressive, but not as big as she expected, and Clarke was willing to bet that there was probably a larger ball of yarn somewhere out there.
There was a souvenir shop and a restaurant, so they all ate lunch and Clarke bought a miniature replica of the yarn ball for Bellamy, and ice cream for Octavia and herself.
When she threw the gift at him, he actually laughed, a surprised sound that she would honestly like to hear again.
Her phone, which had been quiet all day, let out a piercing sound, snapping her out of the moment and she realized she forgot to call her mother yesterday. Sure enough the display read Abby and Clarke had honestly put this off too long already so she answered it, bracing herself for the worst.
“Hi mom.”
“Clarke, thank God!” Clarke hated the brokenness in her mother’s voice, and hated that she was one of the reasons it was there.
“Honey, I was so worried. Where are you? Are you alright? Raven said you’ve picked up hitchhikers?”
“I’m fine, just driving for awhile. And yeah, Octavia and Bellamy, they’re my age. I’m just giving them a ride.” She couldn’t help but notice Bellamy listening to her conversation. This was twice in two days she had been having personal conversations in front of the guy. Must be a record of some kind.
“When you were gone Clarke… I don’t think you know how worried I was. You just – I mean… Where are you going?”
“I’m really sorry mom. It was just… I felt like I was suffocating or something, and this – it feels right for some reason.”
“I guess it’s kind of my fault for raising you on the road. When you were younger, you were never happy unless we were going somewhere new.”
“I’m coming back eventually, I promise, and I’ll text Raven or something so you know I’m alive.”
“Just. Clarke, I love you, you know that right?
“Yeah, I love you too.”
And there wasn’t really much more to say, so she said goodbye and hung up. It honestly went better than expected and Abby didn’t even threaten to cut her off her once so she figured her mother understood why she was doing it.
Bellamy was once again looking at her, like she was a mystery he wanted to unravel and she raised her eyebrows at him in a challenge, she was kind of hoping he would accept. Octavia finished her ice cream and they headed off to the car, Bellamy in the driver’s seat this time, and Clarke in the backseat once again lying down, but not really intending to sleep. She just wanted to feel the car rumbling under her as they ate away mile after mile on their way to somewhere new.
20 minutes had gone by when they started talking, and they probably thought she was sleeping, because it felt private somehow, like she was intruding.
“So… Has Gina called again?”
“Hmm? Oh no. I was kind of a dick to her yesterday. I think she’s probably gonna stop calling for a while.”
“I thought you were gonna try long distance.” From the sound of her voice Octavia thought that was bullshit, but maybe Clarke was just projecting.
“We were. Shit, I don’t know.”
“Bell, you are moving to the other side of the country. I think Gina gets that.”
“She does. Did… It was my idea anyway. I don’t know, I just really liked having her around, you know. She was awesome and funny and smart and you liked her. It felt like cutting my own safety net, when I tried breaking up with her.”
“I know what you mean. I know Monroe, of course, and she is awesome, but all my friends are in Portland. It’s scary. But you can’t keep someone around because they’re a safety net, Bell.”
“You’re right. It’s probably for the best anyway. It would have never worked. This way she gets to move on sooner rather than later.”
“I’m sure there are girls in New York too.”
“Yeah probably.”
Clarke probably should have cleared her throat or yawned or something a long time ago and she was just about to, feeling guilty for listening in on their conversation, when Octavia spoke again.
“Clarke seems nice.”
“Subtle, O.”
“I have no clue what you’re talking about.”
“Sure you don’t.”
“She is hot though.” Clarke nearly choked, and now she was lying completely still, not even daring to move a muscle.
“I hadn’t noticed.” Octavia snorted loudly at that, clearly amused.
“Whatever you say. What do you think her deal is anyway?”
“Don’t know, Octavia. Why don’t you ask if you’re so curious?”
“Fine, be like that. I need to pee.”
When they reached a gas station Clarke made a show out of waking up, and decided to sit in the passenger seat this time, to prevent overhearing any more private conversations.
***
They drove for another couple of hours before stopping to eat again. Clarke was still using her credit card to pay and no one had mentioned it since their first breakfast together, so she figured they had probably both gotten over the fact that she could just spend money like it was nothing. They were halfway through Nebraska, and had driven roughly half the distance to New York, so they decided to stop for the night.
They were all sitting outside their room, playing cards and chatting quietly, when Octavia declared that she was tired. She looked at her brother pointedly and he raised his eyebrows subtly before saying goodnight. He cleared his throat once or twice, and she decided to take pity on him.
“You know, I saw a bar when we drove through the town. I could really use a drink.”
“You’re barely 18. I’m 19. Very illegal you know.”
“I seriously doubt they card in this place, but if they do I guess I’ll have to make do.”
He thought it over for a moment or two before sticking his head in their room.
“Clarke and I are going into town, call my cell if you need something.”
Octavia replied by throwing a pillow at him, and he shut the door with a grin.
“Let’s go.”
It turned out that they did in fact not card at the bar, and Clarke was surprised to see a fair amount of young people there.
A couple of beers in, Clarke was already getting more talkative, and she figured it was time to just tell Bellamy her deal. He was still on his first beer, but his smiles came more freely, and she decided to rip off the band aid. Just because he was too polite to ask didn’t mean that she had to be too polite to just blurt it out.
“My dad died.”
From the way he choked on his drink, that was probably not what he had been expecting when he asked where she was going for college, but a look of understanding and then sympathy quickly replaced the shock.
“That’s why I’m driving alone with no destination, and why my best friends are texting me constantly, and why my mother told me she loved me for the first time in I don’t even know how long, and why I’m having fucking night terrors that make me not want to sleep ever again. So…
“I’m sorry.” And it’s so simple, the way he says it. She has heard the words hundreds of times over the past weeks, but the way he looks at her, like he understands, and like he wants to put her in his pocket to protect her from the world, makes her actually believe them when he says it.
“Thank you.”
“I know it probably doesn’t mean anything right now, but it does get… bearable eventually.”
“Yeah, so I’ve heard. It’s honestly been better lately. I always feel closer to him when I’m driving. It was kind of our thing you know?”
He nodded.
“With my mom it was reading this mythology book she had. She used to always tell us stories from Greek mythology or whatever. I even named Octavia after Augustus’s sister. Whenever I read that stupid book, it feels like she is gonna come home any minute and talk about her shitty day at work or ask about my grades or something.”
“Yeah.”
“Hey, sorry if it’s weird that I’ve been listening to all your phone conversations. It’s honestly not on purpose.”
“Yeah, we’re kind of even on that front. I was kind of awake today when you and Octavia were talking, but by the time I realized it was private I felt too awkward to say anything. Sorry about your girlfriend.”
He raised one eyebrow as she was talking and smirked at her, probably remembering what Octavia had said about her.
“Yeah thanks. But Gina and I were never even that serious. It was honestly pretty selfish of me to ask her to stay with me.”
“I get why, though. She was a connection to your old life.”
“You’re probably right. It’s for the best though. We can both move on now.”
Clarke was definitely just imagining him looking at her mouth as he said that. There was no possible way he was going to make a move on her less than 48 hours after breaking up with his girlfriend. Probably. Before she could be sure, a girl on her way back to her table with drinks got knocked off her balance and she spilled the contents of some unspecified fruit drink in Clarke’s lap.
“Oh my God, I am so sorry. Here let me get that.” The girl was beautiful in a striking, powerful way, with heavy make up and full lips. She handed Clarke a paper towel and when she tried wiping off the sticky drink, the girl offered to buy her a drink as an apology. Bellamy had been watching all of this with an amused grin.
“I’m Lexa. Just get whatever. On me.”
“I’m Clarke. That seems fair seeing as you just literally got whatever on me, so thanks.”
The girl laughed, and honestly, she thought, there was nothing wrong with a little flirting when she would most likely never see this person again.
“Once again, so sorry. You should go to the bathroom, get that washed off. I’ll show you.”
Lexa dragged her off, leaving Bellamy alone and a little annoyed looking.
When she got back to him, after talking to Lexa for a while (She was hot, but kind of intimidating) Bellamy was trying and failing at picking up the bartender. He looked almost desperate and when Clarke sat down he let out a sigh of relief.
“Getting laid Blake?”
“Not even close. How about you?”
“Nah, she seemed a little too high maintenance.”
“Thank God.”
“What do you mea-“
Her question was cut off by his lips on hers, in a kiss that was nothing like what she would have guessed. Not that she had been thinking about kissing Bellamy, but hypothetically spesking she had expected his kisses to be passionate, bruising, consuming, something she would lose herself in until there was only limbs and bodies moving in synchronicity. This was not that. This kiss was gentle, caring, like he was trying to put her back together, and for some reason this was more intense. She kissed him back, tentatively. If she was honest she had been attracted to him since the moment she saw him, looking lost and misplaced in a random parking lot on the I-84 but this kiss went beyond that initial attraction. He was still trying to protect her, take care of her, and she felt herself respond to him. All at once it was too much for her. She pulled back, and there were hurricanes in his dark eyes, and she hated that she was so afraid right now.
“Bellamy…”
“I’ve wanted to do that for longer than I should probably admit.”
“I’m sorry,” And as she said that the storms died and she broke in half again, but she had to explain, make him understand somehow.
“It’s just too much right now, I- “
“No, I get it, I’m sorry. Let’s just go back.”
And with that he was gone and she was alone again, the companionship she had felt with him and Octavia, ripped away. When she reached their motel room he was on the floor with his back turned against her, and she was grieving for her father but also the girl she had been just weeks ago. That girl would have let herself kiss Bellamy and she would have loved it.
***
The next morning the atmosphere was decidedly cooler, and Clarke had no idea how to fix it. She had felt something for him, yesterday, and it was ridiculous. They barely knew each other, and once they reached New York they would probably never see each other again, so why was she so terrified of losing him? He had never even been hers.
They drove through what was left of Nebraska with a minimum of conversation. Even Octavia kept quiet in the backseat, obviously sensing the tension even if she didn’t know what had caused it.
They hit a storm somewhere around Iowa, and it seemed like a sign. The clouds towered up in fantastic fluffy castles miles and miles into the air and they were painted purple, and black and gray, and white, the very definition of self-contradictory and the sky turned a dozen impossible shades of blue and when the rain came down over the car it sounded like the world was ending. Octavia slept in the backseat lulled to sleep by the rain. This was the storm she saw in his eyes yesterday, and when the rain fell she realized that she couldn’t live with not seeing that again.
“I’m sorry I freaked out yesterday. You just caught me by surprise.”
“It was a dick move, Clarke, don’t worry about it.”
“Well, I’m worried.”
“You were tipsy, and your father is dead, and I kissed you. I’m the one who’s sorry, really.”
“That’s not why I freaked.”
He turned his head, impossibly slow, like he was expecting her to disappear from the car or something.
“Why, then?”
“I’ve never felt this way about a guy before to be honest. And it is so completely absurd, because we met like two days ago, and you just broke up with your girlfriend, and I just really liked you, so I was a bit surprised, okay?”
The storm was back in his eyes, and she said “Fuck it,” and took the exit to the rest stop that was right there. They got out of the car at the same time and met half-way. The rain was pounding and she was probably going to regret this later, when she inevitably got a cold, but right now she couldn’t find it in herself to mind, because Bellamy was kissing her, and this time there was fire inside and out as she wrapped herself around him unable to get close enough. His hands cupped her face and she smiled through the kiss. He smiled back at her and if his eyes were as prophetic as she suspected them to be, the sun would be out any minute now.
“Good talk huh?” She laughed and leaned up to capture his lips once more. She honestly didn’t know how long they stood there in the rain, until Octavia knocked on the window and startled them out of the moment. They got in the car, drenched to the bone, and Octavia just smirked, one eyebrow raised.
“Glad you worked it out.”
“Stay out of it, O” Bellamy snapped but his heart was clearly not in it. They were back on the road again, but this time Bellamy was caressing her hand as she drove, and she was stupidly happy in a way that shouldn’t make sense, but somehow did.
***
Clarke couldn’t help but feel slightly bittersweet when they pulled away from the road for the night. Where yesterday, she had felt comfort at the thought of having a destination, a goal, and the sensation of them moving ever closer, today she felt twisted up at the thought. She knew that when their journey was over she would have to go home, and that would mean saying goodbye. She was so far from ready to do that, but the reality of it all was that unless they took any major detours tomorrow, they would hit New York that evening.
Clarke honestly didn’t know how long she would stay with them, or if Bellamy even wanted her to stay. She figured that if he didn’t she would probably be okay. Not great by any means, but being on the road, and hanging out with the two Blakes had somehow helped her come to terms with it all, without even really trying. It had put some things in perspective for her, and even though she really wanted to keep whatever her and Bellamy had, alive, she was also not an idiot. He had broken up with his long-term girlfriend because they were going to be living on opposite sides of the country, and that would be the case with her too. Throw in the fact that they had known each other for all of three days, and the entire situation seemed hopeless. Despite all of that though, Clarke let herself feel cautiously optimistic about it all. For now, she was happy, and Bellamy had not stopped touching her since Iowa. She was going to be okay.
With the knowledge of that settling in her stomach, she decided to let Raven know what was going on. She had sort of been slacking off on the updates, caught in her own drama, and Raven always loved getting the good gossip.
Rae, sorry for neglecting u, have been super busy living the rom-com life. I’m doing better, and will probably reach destination tmrw. Love u.
Raven had always been a quick texter, and she did not disappoint,
Spill! Does this mean ur coming home soon or??? I’m happy for u tho, love u too.
She caught Bellamy’s eye as he was checking in at the motel. The smile he gave was quiet, private, but it reached his eyes, and if she wasn’t in love with the way he looked at her, she was on her way.
Hitchhikers turned out to not b murderers, one is rly cute, and also I may have made out with him in the rain. Don’t know when I’ll be back but will keep u posted.
Raven’s reply took a little longer this time, like she didn’t know exactly what to say.
Ur a living cliché Griffin. We all miss u a lot. Your mom too.
Bellamy waved at her to go find their room so she just replied with a quick Miss u too, and hurried to catch up with them.
They were eating greasy food in an old, rusty diner, when Bellamy got a phone call from the friend he and his sister would be staying with in the city. In retrospect Clarke probably should have known that Octavia would use this as an opportunity to meddle.
“If you hurt my brother I will kick your ass.”
Octavia’s face gave away nothing, as she looked Clarke directly in the eye, and Clarke realized that the protective gene must run in their DNA. There was no trace of the girl who had smudged ice cream on her nose the day before and refused to wipe it off, just to annoy her brother. This was the girl who had spent her childhood watching her brother sacrifice things for her, and who now wanted to protect him at all costs. She looked like a force of nature, this 14-year-old girl, and Clarke was almost in awe of the fierceness she saw in the girl in front of her.
“I don’t want to hurt your brother if that helps at all.”
“It does, a little. I know you talked about Gina, and I thought you should know, that he never looked at her like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like the Titanic has hit the fucking iceberg and you’re the last life boat.” Ignoring the accompanying eye roll, Clarke breathed out slowly and then smiled.
“I really like your asshole brother Octavia. I don’t know what that means, or what I’m going to do when we reach the city tomorrow but yeah… I’m not gonna
hurt him if it’s at all in my power not to.”
“Good. I think he feels the same.”
When Bellamy returned to the booth, their conversation had drifted to other things and when he put his arm around her, she leaned in and smiled at Octavia who rolled her eyes but couldn’t quite hide the smile teasing her lips too.
The evening was surprisingly uneventful, except this time Bellamy didn’t sleep on the floor. They didn’t go much further than kissing that night because apparently doing it with his sister in the room was past Bellamy’s comfort zone, but it was nice and Clarke felt… at home. It was a weird feeling to have in a cheap motel room somewhere in Ohio, but she figured it was just how she had always been.
Home, for her, would never be in just a place, or a house, but instead in that feeling of security and safeness and comfort. It’s in the smell of cheap laundry detergent and toothpaste. It’s in the sound of cars passing by even in the middle of night, and the sound of people breathing in and out as they drift to sleep. Arcadia would always be special to her, because of her friends and the things she’d had there, but this, right now, was home to her, and if she could help it, she wouldn’t give it up.
***
That morning when she woke up, Bellamy was still sleeping. Their legs were tangled together and she was practically laying on top of him, subconsciously seeking to get closer to his heat during the night. When she tried to move off of him, his arms slid around her and held her in place, and she let out a soft giggle. She hadn’t had any nightmares, and she was starting to think it was because of him.
“I’m gonna have to move eventually you know.”
She could hear the grumble in his chest and his rough morning voice did unfair things to her.
“Over my dead body.”
“You are honestly the most dramatic person I have ever met. How are you not a theater major?”
“I’m not buying breakfast if you’re just going to make fun of me.”
“You were buying breakfast before?”
“I was considering it.”
“Then I am very sorry for suggesting that you might be a drama queen, Your Majesty.”
He decided to retaliate by tickling her mercilessly, she only got him to stop by distracting him with a hungry kiss. When his grip loosened she hit him with a pillow and ran to the shower. She could vaguely hear Octavia making barfing sounds and Bellamy telling her to “shut the hell up, you brat, who even raised you?” and before she knew it they were back on the road.
She saw a Hawaii license plate, when they were almost out of Ohio. She had no idea how they got the cars across the ocean. She didn’t know why anyone would leave Hawaii for Ohio. She didn’t know why anyone even lived in Ohio, it was honestly the most boring state she had ever been in.
They took turns driving a couple of hours at a time, making more stops than they had before, trying to draw out the inevitable without saying that was what they were doing. Bellamy would run his fingers up her arm, and she would take the next exit so she could kiss him, and Clarke and Octavia would sing along to a Disney song, and Bellamy would find a rest stop because “If I have to listen to that shit any longer I will probably spontaneously self-combust, is that what you want?”
It was too soon, she thought, when she first noticed the skyline in the horizon. She wasn’t ready to give this up yet. They felt like family, and she could not even imagine where she would be now, if she hadn’t offered a ride to two stranded kids in a random parking lot in Oregon. Now she was in New York, almost 3000 miles away from her old life, and Bellamy was squeezing her hand so tightly, she knew he had seen the skyline too.
“You should stay tonight.”
He startled her out of her thoughts and out of the corner of her eye, she saw Octavia putting in her headphones.
“I already asked Monroe, and she’s cool with you crashing if you want.”
“Yeah, that sounds nice. I mean, are you sure there’s room, because I could probably find a hostel or somewhere if- “
“She said the more the merrier.”
And when he was looking at her like that, with a lump in his throat and his heart in his eyes there was no possible way she could deny him.
“Okay, then I would love to stay.”
The relief was evident in the way his shoulders relaxed. She knew they were just putting off the inevitable, but the closer they got to goodbye the less she wanted to say it.
They talked some more, just skirting around the conversation they would have to have sooner or later, and then they were driving through the tunnel and if Clarke could make time slow down she would.
Monroe was waiting for them on the steps of the building, and she hugged both Octavia and Bellamy when they stepped out of the car. Then after a quiet moment of deliberation she hugged Clarke too. Bellamy grinned at her look of surprise, but stayed silent.
“You must be Clarke. Bellamy has told me literally nothing about you, but that’s usually a good sign.”
Clarke liked Monroe immediately, something about her openness and casual affection made her incredibly easy to be around. She took them out to some Thai place, that she swore would change their lives forever, and whenever there was a lull in the conversation, it was a comfortable silence, one nobody felt like they had to rush to fill.
Octavia graciously let Clarke and Bellamy take the second bedroom, that she would eventually claim as her room, so when turned in for the night they were completely alone, for maybe the first time ever.
“I’ve been thinking,” she started. She had slowly come to terms with the fact that leaving this boy, with storms in his eyes and freckles on his skin, would be impossible for her, and she had spent all day and all night planning for her future.
Before all this had happened she had been planning to go to college in California. Something about the sun and heat had appealed to her, and she had spent a good couple of months there with her parents when she had been 13. The thought of California had been growing less and less attractive since her father had died, and now she could honestly not even imagine going at all.
“Before you say anything Clarke, I just… God, I really really like you. I don’t want to say goodbye.”
“I just realized that tomorrow is my birthday and I think the best present I could give myself would be to not stand in the way of myself when something makes me happy. It’s probably fucked up to feel like this about a person I barely know, but I feel at home with you, Bell. I don’t want to lose that.”
“I don’t either.”
“The idea of New York has been kind of growing on me lately you know.”
“But what about college, Clarke? I can’t ask you to just give it up.”
And that was probably exactly why she wanted to do this. He always put himself last, and she had been the same way for so long. She had never done things for herself before this trip, and now she didn’t think she could stop. It felt good to put her needs first, and what she needed was him.
“I’m going to tell my mother that I’m not going this year. Then I’m going to get a job somewhere, and when I can afford it, I’m going to come back here and annoy you and Octavia until you beg me to go back West. I got in to plenty of colleges around here, so I figure I can probably do it again next year. I don’t want to say goodbye either, but if we have to, I want it to be temporary.”
“I cannot tell you how much I love that plan.”
Then she kissed him, and it felt possible. Maybe it was reckless of her to put her life on hold for a boy, but when he looked at her she felt understood and whole, and she couldn’t really ask for more. It would be a bitch to convince her mother that this was a good idea, and Raven would throw a fit. Wells and Monty would probably understand, and Jasper probably wouldn’t, but in her heart she knew this was the right thing for her. Just being in this city, she felt the buzz and infiniteness that she always felt when she drove on an open road. She had found her home in this boy with shaggy hair and messy smiles, and his beautiful and ruthless sister. When she drove west the next day after a lot of hugs and a couple of disgustingly wet kisses, she knew she would be seeing them again soon, and it was all surprisingly bearable.
The sky was blue and it felt like the universe was, for once, on her side.