Chapter Text
June 2008
Somewhere Between Geneva and Bern
Switzerland
Hello again…
It’s kind of weird to be writing to you again after so long.
My new therapist said putting words down on paper can help whenever my anxiety spikes—even if nobody ever reads it, maybe pretend I’m talking to family, a friend, or someone special...someone I miss.You’re the only person who I could think of.
And right now, I swear my chest is about to explode if I don’t do something, so here goes.
I’m on a train, heading to the city where I’ll be living from now…in Switzerland, of all places. The train just keeps moving and everything looks so beautiful, like something straight out of a postcard.
Moving halfway across the world to train at a rink I’ve only seen in pictures should be incredible, and I should be happy...and I am! Don't get me wrong. I'm extremely grateful for this opportunity it's only...I wish I could say I’m excited. But if I’m honest, everything just feels huge and overwhelming. Every bump in the tracks feels like it’s shaking me more than the train. It was easier when I was surrounded by people who already knew me. Out here, everything feels too big, too different.
I keep asking myself: Am I really good enough for this? Or am I about to learn the hard way that I’m not?
Vicchan is here with me, sleeping in his carrier under my seat, and he’s pretty much my lifeline right now. I just want to hop off this train and run straight back to Hasetsu, where everything’s quiet and safe. But I can’t, not again. I promised myself I wouldn’t let fear decide for me anymore, and I promised you, too…even if you never knew it.
Do you remember when you told me to keep smiling? I wonder if you’d think I’ve kept that promise. I try, but sometimes it feels like I forgot how. I still think about those letters we wrote. I never admitted it, but I lived for them. You didn’t know the real me, not really, but you made me feel like I could be that person. That’s why I made that promise to myself three years ago: never let anxiety or self-doubt take another chance from me, not after losing the one good thing I had because of it.
Do you think we’d still be friends now? I’m not sure. I’ve changed, but maybe not enough. I know you’ll never see this, but it feels good pretending you might, just as it felt good pretending that it was you who replied all those letters.
My breathing is better now, so maybe this worked. Maybe keep doing this is a good idea. And at least here…maybe I can be Yuuri—the Yuuri I always wanted to be—and still be your friend. Would you like that?
Anyway, we’re almost at the station.
Guess I should get Vicchan and my suitcases ready.
Until the next time,
Yuu-CYuuri.