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"Pumasok na tayo sa loob."
The tranquility of the night and the coldness of the wind is nothing compared to how chilly his voice sounded. I never imagined that we would be in this kind of situation where I no longer want him to choose me during this night of unexplainable emotions and dread within the midnight of nowhere.
"Ah," I look up to him and smile. "You still came."
Well, he doesn’t have to go here tonight, really. It is Friday and I told everyone that I want every Friday to be my ‘me time’ and they should already know what to do after that.
He doesn't even have to be with me in the first place.
But I think I have brought this to myself. Who am I to complain when all he had to do was take care of me even if it's just my mother who told him to do so and my sister who technically begged him to stay with me even if it caused them their peace and happiness. Who am I to say that this situation is something I would never settle on just because I will have him in the process? Who am I, really?
"Please. My son is in love with you," Hearing my mother begged and pointing it out like what I've been feeling is a sole secret the world mustn't know, especially him, is making me dizzy in frustration together with a great quantity of embarrassment, "I know you already have someone you want to settle with," Please, stop. "I know that you are already planning to propose to her," Mama, stop. "But I'm sure his sister will understand if you choose to maybe drop the idea or break up." Me. I don't want this.
"Come on. Hindi ka pwede mahamugan. Bakit ba ang tigas ng ulo mo at hindi ka nanaman nakikinig?" I let out a laugh because of his tone, despite being soft, sounded like he's talking to a 5-year-old child who won't go home as he was enjoying the freedom outside of the house and free to do everything he wants without the eyes of his parents that will scold him for having just a little dirt on his shirt.
"Ayaw." And then there is me who is acting like the 5-year-old child.
"Seokmin." Ah, my name.
I smiled at him and let my eyes wander at the most wonderful sight in front me, the ocean of millions of celestial bodies shining through the darkness above is my constant reminder that the world might be a little too harsh but at least it gave me a universe with alluring view who never fail to comfort me during my lows. "Remember when you first talked to me during my 7th grade while you were in your 9th grade?" I heard him sigh, like he's already losing his faith to get me back in my room. "Your first word was my name too when we first met." It is still funny to think so I chuckle while reminiscing. "And you just said it thrice, but you did not get the chance to tell me what you were supposed to say."
"Seokmin," The loud surrounding is making my eardrums hurt and making me lose my patience to humanity but I was able to hear someone called my name so I looked around and saw a person that looked like an angel as he was beautifully standing with his all white outfit and it's not helping that the world started to lower its volume as well.
I pointed at myself while looking at him, quite assuming that he's the one who called my name as he was looking directly at me. "Me?" I ask without a voice coming out from my mouth.
He nodded. "Seokmin," I can hear him now better even with the distance.
I tilted my head in confusion and began walking slowly to where he was standing until we were inches apart. The noises coming from the students who were celebrating the last day of the school festival and anticipating the long summer break is now giving my mind an excuse to focus on them instead of ogling the angel in front of me.
“Seokmin,” And I can hear him now clearly that we are standing face to face and just when he was about to talk more to maybe tell me the reason why was he repeating my name like some sort of a riddle, three people from behind me unexpectedly popped out and starts to pull him to I don’t know where they were going, blowing my chance to hear more of his serene voice and stare at his angelic feature.
“Kuya Seungcheol really is a menace tapos sinamahan pa ni Mingyu at ni Soonyoung, wala na. Hindi ko na narinig kung anong sasabihin mo sa’kin that time.” I even shook my head slowly to show my not really sincere disappointment to his friends, who became my friends as well after some time and even became my brothers too without blood relation.
“I want to hear it now, Jisoo.” I am now looking at him directly. Looking up as I am sitting at the gutter while he’s standing beside me.
I am not seeing the point of knowing what he was about to say that time but for the sake of my dying curiosity and maybe a little peace of mind, I want to know even if there is a possibility of him not remembering the context any longer. It has been a decade so I would understand.
“We have to go inside now, Minnie.” Ah, now it’s my nickname.
So, the reason will be painful for me then? He only uses that if there is something wrong or if there is something that will happen and hurt me in the process. He’s still as caring as how I know him from the very first time we became acquaintances.
He may lack knowledge between my likes and dislikes but still, he’s the best when it comes to giving a knock in my head to be careful and never forget to show me his side that until now is making me fall for him deeper.
Oh, God. I might never meet him in the next lifetime but if we did, please do it in my favorable situation.
I gave him my most comforting smile that my friends labeled as a smile they would never want to look at because it was so endearing and would let them feel guilty for having a secret as they don’t want to give me information that they know will make me disheartened. “You should know by now that I will take everything to feel something within me, Jisoo. I want to know even if it hurts me and hey, may mas sasakit pa ba sa mga nangyayari sa’kin ngayon?” I even laughed a little while delivering my half-meant joke.
I told him to stop being careful when he’s with me, I want him to be carefree.
Especially now.
I can feel my body already releasing its vitality and I am aware of what will happen in the next few days or maybe the next few hours. Who knows what the future holds?
“Come on,” I held his hand because I could. Because he’s still an arm length away from me. Because we are still in the same place. Because we are still both giving each other a chance to be physical with each other.
It was one another hot summer afternoon that I heard Mingyu let out a loud sigh, which was not the first time that I even looked at him annoyed. “I told you to stop that habit!”
“What?” He said looking like he doesn't know why I even focusing on his actions while we’re in a serious discussion. I glared at him. “Oo na, disrespectful na pero ang tanga mo nanaman kasi. Sinabihan ka na namin!”
And it’s one another situation wherein, Jisoo had confronted us that he is now ready to court my sister. Well, who are we really to rain on his parade? But genuinely speaking, I’m happy for him. It took him a lot of time to finally confess and gain the courage to shower his love to the person he really wanted.
“Min, mind your language. He’s still a baby.” I hit Seungcheol’s arm playfully because of what he just said.
“I am not a baby!”
“Yes, you are. Look at you still not listening to what we’ve been telling you for over a year now. Paulit ulit, hindi ka ba nagsasawang saktan ‘yang sarili mo?” Soonyoung must’ve thought that my freedom to choose my situation to be better had left me to be in this kind of state when all I want is an out and be back to the old me who is having a crush with almost anyone who I found cute or handsome but will fade after a day or two.
“Remind me again why you like Jisoo?” Stop asking me questions I have asked myself a thousand times and still don't have an answer, Mingyu.
“Here’s your coffee.” I smiled at Jisoo when he handed me a cup of hot coffee from Coffee Hut, our favorite study hub near our university, and mouthed, ‘thank you.”
Another one afternoon from our finals week when we hangout to study here and brainstorm our subject topics to learn from each other, mostly for me to learn from them, as they already completed most of my subjects so they decided to do this when Mingyu, Soonyoung, and Seungcheol looked at each other because of what Jisoo handed me.
The thing is, I don’t drink coffee.
“Come on, Jisoo, tell me. I want a story time then we can go inside na para makauwi ka na din.” I even pouted to add a way of forcing him to break down his walls of secrecy and tell me the story I already know by heart but just needed confirmation from him directly.
I already experienced the worst heartaches, what more could his confirmation bring me? Other people may not see the importance of it as it happened way too long ago and we already had talks from what had happened but for me, it is a way for him to be free and accept himself more. Or at least, that’s what I am believing in.
I can already feel the coldness of the night seeking through my body and my mind close to closing.
Not yet.
“Why did you call me that time, Jisoo?”
Please, answer me now.
“Why did you let me acknowledge your presence when all I have been doing from the very beginning is treat you like a wind or worse, a nothing?”
Give yourself the peace that you deserve, Jisoo. Tell me now.
“Why do you care for me when it’s a different person who you want to take care of?”
We both know that this is something we needed to appease our hearts and minds who have been in chaos for years. Tell me now.
“Why did you let us be close and share something we'll both regret?”
You deserve all the good things that the world could give. It is time to let yourself go and be free from all the chains you’ve collected to wrap it around yourself. Jisoo, tell me now.
“I loved you.”
Ah, finally.
I smiled at him. Feeling happy and content while I reached for his face that is now tear streamed. His eyes are full of emotions I can name as I have had that myself but one emotion stands out the most, if you could stop looking so apologetic with regrets flowing in your eyes that you once loved me, please do so.
“You’ve done so well, Jisoo.” I still clear his face with my cold palms even if his tears won’t stop. “I am so proud of you.”
I guess there is still more painful than having an illness without a cure then.
He kept saying his sorry and regrets of not telling me earlier to manage all of our chaos in confusion that will save us for today’s hurtful experiences while I just listened to him clear out his mind and heart and whisper sweet nothings every now and then. He needed that. And maybe, I do too.
I am right, after all. This will make him out of his cage that he thinks he deserved for so long.
Days passed and everything seemed to be blooming in the right places which I am glad to witness up until this day even though I can no longer get on my feet to stand and appreciate the peace that the wind outside can give me.
“Ayan, kita mo ba yan si Vernon? ‘Di ba parang gago,” Seungkwan showed me a photo of his boyfriend who has a small flower in his hand near his mouth acting like he’ll bite it while smiling silly at the camera.
“Dorks,” Jeonghan said while peeling the oranges next to my bed and giving me warm smiles from time to time. “Minmin namin, you are still so beautiful.”
“Kuya, stop giving me praises, I already know myself.” I playfully rolled my eyes at him and laughed a little as I no longer have the energy to laugh like before when we heard my room door open and saw another bunch of idiots, which is part of our circle, come in.
“Wow, complete attendance nanaman.” I will forever thank the heavens for gifting me such precious people who may not be a direct family but still considered each other as one.
In days like these that I am praying to let me stay more longer and feel their warmth while being surrounded with loud laughters as Soonyoung dropped a joke he probably got somewhere in the internet and Kuya Jihoon being his number one comedic fan, watched Kuya Jeonghan and Kuya Seungcheol whispers their love for each other after not meeting due to different shift at work, Mingyu and Kuya Wonwoo whose taking a nap since both of them came from graveyard duty at the neighboring hospital, let Chan and Seungkwan bickers about which fried chicken is more juicer from any fast food with Vernon looking at them fondly, to hear Kuya Jun and Minghao talks about the students who they took over from me when I quit teaching at Teatro not a long time ago, and lastly, to feel the tenderness of the person who replaced Kuya Jeonghan from attending to his oranges beside me while constantly squeezing my hands to let me feel his presence and avoid being ignored while I am losing my focus to everything that is happening inside my room.
I can feel that my mind is already refusing to acknowledge such happenings in front of me to force myself to rest and stop it from working and comprehend everything.
One midnight when I felt something, and I smiled. Giving all my energy to pick up my phone beside me and dial the emergency number I saved before, particularly living here in the hospital.
“Hello?” That’s right. Let me hear your voice tonight.
I can’t speak and the waterworks in my eyes are attentive and won’t even let me process everything yet but here they are, the unwelcomed tears.
“Seokmin?” I can hear him panicking when I let out a faint sob. “I’m coming.”
“No,” a hoarse whisper came out from my mouth using all the energy I have. “Don’t come here.”
“No,” I can hear his voice shaking. “I knew leaving you alone is a bad idea and I’m such a fucking idiot to let your cuteness get a way with me to agree. I am coming.”
Not intentional but I chuckle. Ah, my best boy, Jisoo.
“I just want to hear your voice.” I said. “Stop moving and get back to your bed.”
Let me give you my words as I can feel it coming, Jisoo.
“Hold up and let me come to you. I will let you hear me beside you–”
“Please,” even I, can no longer recognize my own voice. “Allow me this time to give you my words.”
“This is not a farewell speech, Minnie.” His shaking voice is enough proof for me to know that he’s already crying. “No. Not this time.”
“Please, Minnie. Not yet.”
“I love you.”
With all the grief, pain, and suffering we’ve experienced during our years of knowing. Even the excitement, happiness, and enjoyment we’ve shared. Exchanging unknown stares we’ve once dedicated to each other, pinning a mutual feeling we did not let bloom as, maybe, the above did not see us thrive enough to fight our individual battles to be together and settle with the thought of secret comfort we are getting from being close as friends.
“I still love you.”
May we have our own story of success at loving each other with the right amount of bravery and unerring sense of attending each other’s devotion. To let it bloom and have its own timing to age when they are getting their enough freedom to wander the right direction to be known and acknowledged.
My story might end here, but yours will continue to sprout together with the right person you’ve chosen by heart in this lifetime, Jisoo.
Saturday 2:51 AM, declared time of death.