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Marjorine Stotch had never been one for reckless rebellion. At least, not before she realized who she truly was. Being Marjorine made everything make sense—her mannerisms, her feelings, the way she fit into the world. Her closest friends had embraced her without question, and Kenny McCormick? Well, he loved her exactly as she was.
Which was why they were currently making out in an alleyway behind Jimbo’s Guns, away from prying eyes. At least, that was the plan.
“Kenny,” Marjorine giggled between kisses, “your hands are getting real bold.”
“I live in a literal shack, babe. Let me have this.”
Just as Kenny leaned in again, a sharp, authoritative voice cut through the moment.
“What do you think you two are doing?”
Both of them groaned in frustration as they turned to face none other than Principal Bradford, the newest pain in South Park’s collective ass. A tall, balding man with thick-rimmed glasses and an overinflated sense of authority, he had taken over as principal that year and was still laboring under the illusion that South Park High was like any normal school.
He did not know the hellspawn he was dealing with.
“Are you kidding me?” Kenny sighed. “It’s Sunday. You don’t get to police us outside of school.”
“Public displays of affection of this nature are inappropriate for students your age,” Bradford said, arms crossed like he was actually making a point.
“It’s an alleyway,” Marjorine said, exasperated. “And this is South Park. You’re lucky we weren’t summoning demons or some shit.”
Bradford ignored that. “I can’t allow this kind of behavior to go unchecked. You two are coming with me.”
Kenny and Marjorine shared a confused glance. “Where?” Marjorine asked.
“The police station.”
There was a beat of silence. Then Kenny started laughing.
“Oh, dude,” he wheezed. “Oh, this is rich. You think you can take us to the police because we were kissing?”
“I can and I will,” Bradford declared, reaching for his phone.
“Okay,” Marjorine said, trying to stifle her own laughter. “Go ahead, take us in. Let’s see how that works out for you.”
And that’s exactly what happened.
—
At the South Park Police Station, Officer Barbrady looked up from his crossword puzzle to see Principal Bradford standing there with Kenny and Marjorine in tow.
“I caught these two engaging in inappropriate behavior,” Bradford said, puffing out his chest. “I demand you take disciplinary action.”
Barbrady blinked. “Uh, what?”
“They were engaging in unlawful activities in public,” Bradford clarified.
“You mean, like, kissing?” Barbrady asked, scratching his head. “Why are they here?”
“Because they are minors—”
Bradford didn’t even get to finish before another officer, one actually competent, glanced up from the desk and snorted.
“Wait a minute,” Officer Murphy said. “Are you seriously bringing Kenny McCormick and But—uh, Marjorine Stotch in for kissing?”
“Yes,” Bradford snapped. “This town clearly has no discipline.”
Murphy gave him a blank stare. Then he leaned forward and asked, “Sir, are you new here?”
Bradford’s eye twitched. “Yes. I started this semester.”
“Oh, boy.” Murphy sighed. “Look, I’m gonna give you a piece of advice, buddy. You do not want to make enemies out of these kids. You have no idea what they’re capable of.”
Bradford huffed. “They are children.”
Murphy picked up a manila folder from his desk, opened it, and turned it around. Bradford leaned in and promptly paled.
Kenny McCormick: 17 counts of grand theft auto, multiple counts of arson, trespassing, suspected smuggling (never confirmed), and numerous unexplained deaths.
Marjorine Stotch: Accused of forming a cult at the age of 8. Possession of classified military secrets. Involvement in various conspiracies. Parents refuse to comment.
And that was just two of them.
“Oh, and if you check those other files,” Murphy continued, “you’ll see all their little friends have similar rap sheets. The cops here don’t arrest them anymore. We just… keep an eye on ‘em and hope they don’t do anything too catastrophic.”
“I—this—” Bradford stammered, looking between the files and the completely unbothered teens.
Kenny grinned. “Soooo… can we go now?”
Murphy shrugged. “Yeah, get outta here.”
Marjorine beamed. “See ya Monday, Principal Bradford.”
They waltzed out of the station without a care in the world, leaving Bradford standing there, contemplating every life choice that had brought him to this moment.
Murphy clapped him on the shoulder. “Welcome to South Park, buddy. You’re in for a hell of a ride.”