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Dark of the night, nothing but their own thoughts.
The only thing that illuminated Zero’s room was the red glow of their alarm clock that read 11:43 PM. The buzz of their fan was a comforting white noise that reminded them that they were still there. Here, in the world. They kept staring at the alarm clock.
Today was normal, like every day. Zero couldn’t shake off the feeling that something was wrong. Their chest tightened. A deepening pit in their stomach, maybe their heart. Why were they still here? Why? What use did they provide? Here?
That was out of the blue.
Math, why did they want other numbers to feel bad about them so badly? Ugh, they hated when others gave them a look of pity whenever they seemed upset but why did they want… others to feel bad anyway?
Zero already knew the answer to that. Why were they asking themself that? Dumbass. Oh yeah, other numbers, even their own friends always have made them the butt of the joke! Haha! Look at Zero, always so fucking embarrassing, always so fucking stupid! Why couldn’t they just— have themselves together? Like any other number?
“Everyone, give it up for our next comedian! Zer—
Their hand instinctively shot up and smacked themselves. Their body almost comically—ha!—shivering as they recalled that Math awful memory. Why were they so, so– like that? While they were in a constant state of fumbling, the other Zeros were off saving the world— or something! More useful than them.
Nothing, nothing. That’s what they were. Not just literally, like emotionally maybe spiritually! They didn’t know the word. Of course, they didn’t. It’s like they never knew anything. Just dumb. Just stupid. Messing up everything.
Zero could feel their fingers curled up on their forehead, slightly digging into their skin. Good, it was what they deserved.
Why did they hate themselves so much? They wished they had an answer because it was so stupid having such a burning hatred for something that wasn’t even worth it.
If they ever disappeared out of thin air nothing would change. Maybe they have been actively making it worse. Maybe if they disappeared everything would start prospering. No, they weren’t even that important.
But there was something back in Zero’s mind that was telling them: Hey, that’s actually not true! Why are you saying that to yourself? Zero knew that! They truly did but really did they deserve knowing that? They wished they didn’t. They wish they could just drown in the hate that they’d been boiling inside. Isn’t that just what such a useless number deserved?
Zero heard gross sob escape their body as they felt tears running down their face, staining their pillow. Great. Look what they did to themselves.
“Oh, Fift—
Ugh, ewewewewewew. Gosh, why? Why? Just…
Without a second thought, their pillows were thrown off the bed. It’s okay, Zero didn’t need pillows anyway. They curled into themself, hugging their knees as tears continued to stream down their face. Fifteen would never love a number as pathetic as them, no number could, no number should. A loud sob broke from Zero again.
Even if other numbers did, they promised themself that the only number that could never love them was Zero, themselves. They shouldn’t ever have the liberty to be happy with themselves.
So edgy. Wow, you hate yourself. Good going Zero. Why were they feeling this anyway? It’s not like any number was ever going to hear any of their thoughts. What would it do? Would they feel so bad for Zero that they would stop making them the butt of the joke? Stop bullying them? No, it wasn’t bullying, it was just the others telling them the truth or something like that. Oh boohoo, you’re beating yourself up for no reason? Do you want a token? Good job.
So stupid, so stupid . Why? Why?
Zero curled into themself further, their grip was tight enough to hurt.
Stupid Zero with a cap.
Useless, nothing Zero.
They’ll never be anything. Nothing to love, nothing to give and just nothing in general. Maybe there was a logical side to them that was comforting them and going against everything that they were thinking. It’s not true, you’re more than that— so much more. Whatever it was it needed to shut up. No, sorry, it was there. It’s been there the whole time, unfortunately it was nothing more than empty words that didn’t give Zero a 'heart-warming' feeling. No matter how tightly they held onto themselves, it would never provide warmth. A cold touch, unable to truly love. They’ve always heard that to love others you must love yourself. Why was that just not true?
Zero could go on for hours about… Fifteen. Their face slightly flushed red, gross. Puppy love. Fifteen was perfect. She was beautiful and she didn’t deserve a number as pathetic as Zero. But they just wanted to be held in her arms. Maybe feel a warmth that they could never give.
All just maybes.
What time was it? How much time had they wasted? They didn’t want to look.
All that time they could’ve had added to their sleep. It was like Zero was actively digging into themself for something to hate. To claw out and tear apart. Maybe they were just pretending to hate themself for attention from others. What would that even do when no other number could even hear their thoughts? Idiot. If anything, Zero deserved the treatment. Heh… maybe they deserved it… emo ass. A strangled empty chuckle escaped from Zero. Math, why were they like this?
Zero began to feel themself drift off to sleep. Was this comforting to them? Knowing that they acted like they hated themself more than anything? Wow. Dummy.
Tomorrow was going to be another day. They could feel their body relax just a little, an empty feeling within them. It was what they… eugh. They buried their face farther into their knees. They needed to stop. They needed sleep. Yeah, sleep would make everything better for now, until another day.