Archive of Our Own

A week in, and Sugawara Koushi was already filled with dread at the prospect of the year ahead of him, his third year at Karasuno High School. For the entire first week, teachers had been regurgitating the same lectures they gave every year about exams, and college, and graduation. But this wasn't Suga’s main concern. They only had 4 new applicants for the volleyball team this year. Two of them were already on thin ice after getting in trouble with the Vice Principal, and the other two… Well, at least Tadashi was nice enough. Even without his concerns for the team, Suga was well aware that this was the last year he would spend with Daichi and Asahi, his best friends. There had been some tension between them, after Asahi decided to quit volleyball. Despite all of their begging, despite even Nishinoya’s pleading, he never relented. For a while, Suga was sure it was driving a rift between the three of them, Daichi and Suga separating from Asahi a little more each day, like continents drifting. They moved farther and farther apart, but their outlines were shaped by the land, by the others, they were once embraced by. 

Of course, it didn't last long. In the end, Hinata was the one to convince Asahi to come back. It all worked out, but this threat of a split awakened Suga to the reality that soon, they would be going their separate ways. Three years, down the drain.

Sometimes, when he thought about it for too long, he felt a lump in his throat and the urge to cry overcame him. He had never fit in with his friends from his middle school, it made him feel different to other people, almost subhuman. Everything changed when he met Daichi. Daichi was the first person he had ever just clicked with. They were best friends, a pair. They weren't just Daichi and Sugawara, they were Daichi-and-Suga . Always spoken in one breath. 

Daichi was his go-to, the one person he could always depend on, and Suga could not confidently tell when he crossed that impossibly thin line between friends and lovers. Somewhere between the intense practises, the hugs, the glances, the touches that lingered, the comfortable silence as they absorbed each other’s company, Suga’s feelings for Daichi grew beyond that of a best friend. Suddenly, the responsibilities of a best friend were not enough. He did not want Daichi to open up to him about his feelings, he wanted to crawl inside his skin and feel them for himself. He liked being the “team mom” to Daichis “team dad”, and he liked that Daichi chose him as his vice captain. But, at the end of the day, it was just Daichi. He liked Daichi. He lived for their witty banter and craved those moments when their eyes would lock, when they would fall silent, when they were all alone.

Of course, for everything Suga knew about Daichi, Daichi knew three things about him. He wasn't sure how it had happened, but, all of a sudden, Daichi knew him as intimately as he knew himself. It sent electricity up his spine when he showed Suga the full range of this knowledge. Like today, when Daichi privately cornered Suga during practice.

“Hey, Suga. You seem kinda… off. Everything okay?” he asked, glancing over at Sugas slightly closed off expression.

“Yeah, just… stressed, is all.” He replied, not looking back. Of course, this was a lie. And Daichi knew it was a lie. As he looked over at him, mutual understanding passed through them, they both knew that something deeper was wrong, something that could not be expressed in passing, could not be mentioned fleetingly. 

The truth was, Suga’s brain had been so occupied with regret. Not real regret, but the concept of it. He was terrified of leaving Karasuno with words unspoken, actions untaken. He didn't want to look back with what-ifs. He needed confirmation,  or rejection, from Daichi,  but the thought of a confession, almost an admission of guilt, bordered on too much.

“Stay back with me after practice, yeah?” Daichis voice was quiet, really quiet. He was almost whispering. The electricity that sparked up his spine as Daichi expressed his intimate knowledge of Suga’s disposition came shooting down it again with a shudder. He only nodded silently. 

He was running on autopilot for the rest of practice, which caused him to miss some shots he normally would have made. He was so out of it that he didn't notice Daichi cutting practice early until he heard Tanaka commenting on it. Brows slightly furrowed, he collected his things, and promised the second years that he would take care of the cleaning for them. As soon as they left, he made his way into the clubroom. Cleaning could wait.

He dropped his bag, sitting on the floor with a sigh. He leant against the lockers as he breathed heavily, finally snapping out of his anxious haze as Daichi sat next to him. Sweat stuck some of his hair to his forehead, and, despite how obviously exhausted he was, Daichis eyes looked alive as he watched Suga watch him. Suga almost laughed. Around this time last year, sitting in this club room, in this exact spot, was the moment. Much like now, he had sat here with Daichi as they talked about their fears and their woes going into second year. He remembered it so clearly. Silence fell over them when they looked at eachother, shoulders flush like they were now. Looking into Daichis eyes, he felt his stomach flip, and  his brain filled with static. He remembered his heart racing and his stomach turning and how his eyes searched Daichi’s face for the answer to a question he had never asked and all he could think was Oh. So this is it. This is love. 

 As he stared at Daichi now, he could see how his face had changed over the two years they had known each other. He looked older, more mature. His hair was shorter, and, as he grew into apparent adulthood, Suga couldn't stop wondering if he would get to see his face age more, if this transition from childhood to manhood would be comparable to the slow shift into old age he would make some day. He wondered if, as they aged, the way concerned affection painted itself on Daichis face would change. He hoped it never did.

“You know you can talk to me.”

“Of course I do.”

“Then what do you want to say?” The soft tone in Daichis voice was a stark contrast to the way he had barked at Tanaka earlier in practice for mentioning the Toupee Incident. This tone, this voice, this Daichi, was reserved only for Suga.

Suga answered before he could think about it. “It's just- The first years are all such good players. And Kageyama… I know I’m the official setter, but him- he is the future of the team. I don't know… It just makes me feel old, I guess.” They both laughed lightly at that. “I don't want to leave Karasuno.” He spoke this last part quietly. It was the truth, but not the whole truth. Daichi knew that too.

“You know we have a whole year left? They might be the future of the club, but don't go buying the three of us graveyard plots just yet. We have time.”

“Speak for yourself, I’m already gone grey.” This made Daichi laugh. The more trivial worries began to fade, their presence dampened by Daichis overwhelming warmth. All that was left were the dark plagues of his heart, the skeletons yearning to be let out of the closet, everything else yearning, yearning to come out of the closet.

“I think we’ve done high school pretty well, you know. We've checked most of the boxes.” Daichi said with a small, content sigh.

“Most?” Suga figured Daichi was trying to imply something, but he would not allow himself to speculate about Daichis implications or intentions, it often led him down a very undesirable rabbit hole.

“We seem to have forgotten to do the “ girlfriend ” bit,” he said lightly. There was no unfortunate undertone, no sadness, only light humour.

“Hmm, maybe. Even Asahi had one of those, in first year.”

“Yeah, but then he met Nishinoya, and it all went downhill with her.” Daichi laughed. It went unspoken what was going on between the two of them. They both knew. They didn't need to say it. Suga still got the feeling that Daichi had brought this up for a reason, and speculating about what it could be, (he couldn't stop himself)  brought his heart into his throat.

“You know…” Daichi paused. Suga held his breath. Neither of them looked at each other as he continued. “I have kissed someone before.” Suga felt himself visibly pale as his heart dropped. He felt like he might be sick, his stomach twisting and turning inside of him.

“Michimiya.” He couldn't hide the tone in his voice. It was obvious.

“Yeah.” Daichi sighed. Just say you're together. Tell me that you know I have feelings for you, that they aren't reciprocated. Put me out of my misery , Suga thought. “God, I hated it.”

“What? Was it bad?” He didn't want to know the details of Daichis kiss, but his curiosity refused to be dampened.

“No. Not at all. Michimiya is great, you know? She kind of kissed me out of nowhere, though. I just… I don't know. Maybe… that isn't my thing.” Daichi said carefully. His choice of words revealed so much yet so little. Suga was no longer having an internal crisis about Daichis potential new girlfriend, he was just morbidly curious. And yes, he was well aware that there was emphasis on the word “morbid”

“Well, I suppose there isn't any rush. You have your whole life for girlfriends.” He left his statement open for Daichi to reveal more, trying as hard as he could not to read into what he was saying, trying his hardest not to read into the fact that Daichi wouldn’t look at him.

“Yeah.” He said flatly. He rolled his shoulders back, and Suga felt it in his own. “So do you. I'm sure- I'm sure you'll find a girl of your own some day.” 

And if Suga didn't know any better, he would have said there was disdain in his voice. Sugas heart quickened its pace again as he swallowed. Now was as good a time as any to test the waters. Daichi was his best friend. He never had a problem with the obvious tension between Asahi and Nishinoya. Would the same go for him? He opened his mouth to speak a few times before anything came out, and even then, he was quiet.

“What if I have no interest in finding a girl someday?” He whispered. Daichis entire body stiffened beside him. Suga willed tears not to prick at the corners of his eyes, but of course they did anyway. Daichi didn’t respond for a moment. Suga risked a glance at him. Daichis face was blank, as if he was trying to conceal emotion. He sat in silence for a few seconds, Suga trying to keep his breathing steady. Part of him expected Daichi to just leave. To walk out and never speak to him again. He expected to hear rumours in a few weeks about the gay boy in third year, who was rejected by his best friend. Just as he was about to be swallowed by his thoughts, Daichi interrupted him. 

“You know,I really hated that kiss. I hated it.” he turned to look at Suga, his eyes intense.

“I know. You said-”

“It isn't my thing.” He put emphasis on the last word, and Suga was absolutely baffled at how Daichi didn't react to his pathetic coming-out attempt. He could only stare at him, blinking blankly, like a deer in headlights, for a few moments. How could he have not gotten the hint?

“Yeah, that'll change, you know? I’m sure you'll get used to what it's like to be with a girl.” He was deeply uncomfortable that the conversation had switched back to Daichi and girls,

“I don't want to.” Daichi wouldn't look away. Suga was sure the concern was visible on his features. He sat in silence, trying desperately to deduce what Daichi could mean. It was getting dark outside. He couldn't concentrate with those eyes staring into the side of his head.

“Jesus Christ.” Daichi said, exasperated. There was an anxious smile on his face. “You don't want to leave Karasuno with wasted opportunities right? That's what it is? You don't want to leave with regrets, thinking that maybe things could have been different? You don't want to leave without taking every chance you have? So say it. Do it. What is it?” He always had a way of hitting the nail on the head. Suga took a deep breath. He turned to face Daichi, whose stare was just as penetrating and intense as it had been when they first met, when Daichi had instantly taken a liking to him at their first volleyball practice.

“I’m gay.” The words came out shaken, SUga’s voice breaking as he watched Daichis face morph into an exasperated expression, as opposed to the accepting one he had been hoping for.

“What? Suga, I-” He didn't sound annoyed, really, but he wasn't happy. He wasn't even indifferent. He sounded incredulous. Before he could think about it, Suga got defensive.

“It was fine when it was Asahi. We both know he’s- We both know he is gay. Why is it any different when it's me?” Daichi was quiet now, but he looked at Suga like he had grown 4 heads. “Damn it, Daichi, you're my best friend, please-”

“Suga, stop, just listen-”

“Please don't hate me. I couldn't live with that, you're all I have-”

“Koushi.” Daichi said it quietly. This certainly stopped Suga from descending further into his spiral. Daichi had never called him by his first name. Not ever. The nickname “Suga” had stuck, and he even introduced himself as it now. The way Daichi said his name was unlike anything he had ever heard. His voice was soft, quiet, and somehow, there was so much feeling in it. As he got progressively more upset, Suga had failed to notice Daichis expression fading from surprise to sadness. Now, Daichis hand was on his arm. They were no longer shoulder to shoulder. Now, they faced each other. Sugas expression softened entirely as he fell silent. His mouth, which had been slightly open from his rant, now closed. Daichis attention was momentarily drawn to the slight movement, before his eyes became fixed on Suga’s again. 

Daichi had a strange look on his face. Suga couldn't read it. It was one he only ever saw for brief moments, when he was in the middle of a particularly impassioned story, or in silent, empty classrooms, or when he would have casual conversations with Daichi’s mother. This look, one somewhere between curiosity and joy and something else, was fleeting, it’s timing almost completely random.

“You're my best friend too.” The way he said it was so tender, so sweet. Daichi had a way of infusing even the simplest words with so much meaning. Suga held eye contact. He felt something shift between them. He felt Daichis gaze go deeper than his eyes. He felt like his soul was being bared to Daichi, and for once, this kind of vulnerability didn't scare him. 

Something changed between them, something deeper than their conscious minds came to a decision. They didn't know it yet, but the connection they were forming went deeper than Daichis hand on his arm, it was deeper than how they looked at eachother. It went deeper than their teammates thought it did. Suga stared at Daichi, and he saw himself in his eyes. He saw familiarity. He saw what wasn't a different man with strange thoughts and opinions, but an extension of himself. He saw his better half. For once, he admired the way this strange expression smoothed out the lines between his eyebrows, relaxing his face, and, for the first time, Daichi didn't try to hide it. What was it ? What was it he had been suppressing, when Suga was looking? Why did it reveal itself randomly, only to be shoved deep down at the risk of Suga observing it?

Daichis hand loosened from where he had Suga by the wrist. He slid his hand up, until it rested on Suga’s upper arm. He broke eye contact, his eyes flitting down to where Sugas mouth opened to draw in a breath. As he slowly moved his gaze back up Suga's face, he moved forward an inch, eyes full of meaning, full of intent. 

Suga blinked a few times, swallowing hard. Daichi would have pulled back instantly, if Suga's tongue hadn’t instantly, almost unconsciously, darted out to wet his lips. Two long years of stolen glances and shared laughs, of brushed shoulders and lingering stares, and now, in the place where it had all begun, Daichi was doing what he had always wanted to. In that moment, Suga realised what he was seeing on Daichis face. It was love. Whether it was fledgling love, or love that had been tested through their time at Karasuno, and stood strong, unbroken, unbreakable, it was love.

In the silence, as Daichi waited for Suga to copy his movements, to move in closer, he could hear it. Amidst their uneven, nervous breathing, he could hear it. The anticipation, the nerves, the feeling . He could hear his world turning upside down. Suga inclined his head, ever so slightly. It was all Daichi needed to break the silence.

“You can stop me.” His words were anxious, quiet, soothing, as he started to lean in.

“I don't know how to….” Suga’s warning trailed off as Daichi grew even closer to him.

“We’ll figure it out.” Inches from his face, his eyes trained on his mouth, Daichi moved the hand on Sugas arm under his chin, tenderly lifting Suga’s jaw upward, to make the angle easier. At the touch, Sugawara’s eyes fluttered shut. For just a moment, Daichi pressed his forehead to Suga’s. He let them be close to each other. Their noses slid against each other as Daichi tilted his head slightly downward, closing his eyes. Their lips were centimetres apart. Millimeters, even.

“Daichi.” His name on Suga’s lips, his voice quiet, hopeful, was all Daichi needed. He closed the gap. Their lips met, and the soft pressure felt like fire to Daichi. Neither of them really knew what they were doing, so they simply held that position for a moment, savouring it. They separated then, for just a moment. Daichi opened his eyes to see Suga already staring at him, the shock on his face replaced by a look of pure adoration. 

It was Suga who leaned in this time. His hands cupped Daichi’s face as they found their rhythm. It wasn’t long before their lips were comfortably moving against each other’s, Daichi smiling into the kiss. When they pulled away this time, they were both flushed, elated. His hands still on Daichis face, the words rushed out before he could stop them.

“I love you.” It took him a few moments to realise that he probably shouldn't have said that. But this was Daichi. Daichi loved him, and Suga loved Daichi. It was as sure a fact as any. Despite this, nerves got the better of him, and he looked at Daichi anxiously.

“Why do you look so nervous? You think that, after all this time, I wouldn't say it back?” Daichi laughed, and Suga nodded sheepishly.

“I love you too.” Daichi pressed a kiss to Suga’s forehead. Suga was shocked. So much had happened in the last… 15 minutes? In the last hour? He really wasn't sure, but either way, he couldn't be sure that Daichi wasn't just diving into this head-first. A small part of him regretted saying it, pressuring Daichi to say it back.

But Daichi knew him too well. “Sugawara Koushi. I, Sawamura Daichi, declare that I have free will and am of sound mind. That good enough for you?” He laughed. “I figured I loved you a year ago. That hasn't changed. Not for a second.”

“That’ll do.” Suga replied with a laugh, grabbing Daichis hands with his own. They were sitting very close together now, of course. All of Suga’s worries were forgotten. Yes. This was where he needed to be. This felt right. “So, what's this about “After all this time?” Do you have something you want to tell me, Daichi ?” Daichi laughed, giving in, and they spent a short period of time talking about how they realised their feelings for eachother. It was really very sappy, and Suga, who had always hated overly domestic people, was completely content, in his own deeply hypocritical way.

~

Eventually, they remembered that they still had to clean up, and that their families would be worried. Neither of them had any idea what time it was. Daichi’s phone was in his bag, which was still in the main part of the gym. They locked eyes as they prepared to leave the comforting silence of the clubroom, a place that would forever be marked by the confessions they had just shared. Hand in hand, they left, emerging back into the main gym. 

They could never have anticipated what they saw next. Standing by Daichi’s bag were Nishinoya and Asahi. Asahi was propped up against the wall, his arms crossed. Nishinoya leant against his shoulder, yawning. It really was getting late, even Nishinoya was tired. Most incredibly, the gym was spotless. All the equipment had been put away, the floors had even been swept. Nishinoya pressed his face against Asahi’s upper arm, and Asahi nudged him with his shoulder. Asahi, who had just rejoined the volleyball team, with Nishinoya, who had threatened to leave if Asahi didn't come back. Honestly, how thick could they get?

Asahi grinned as Nishinoya shouted, “And just what hour do you call this? Practice ended almost two hours ago!” Daichi watched their eyes as they were drawn to where Daichi and Suga were joined at the hand. He could only grin sheepishly, and Suga reveled in the fact that he didn't let go. 

“You know you could've gone home, we would have cleaned up.” He said. Nishinoya stood up properly, now.

“Nah, we dont mind, do we Asahi?” His eyes were narrowed as he looked at a slightly panicked Asahi, as if he was trying to communicate something to him.

“No, it's no problem.” Asahi was slumped against a wall, his voice sounding slightly defeated. This only seemed to amplify the increasingly ear-splitting evil grin on Nishinoya's face. Daichi got the impression there was something they werent being told. 

“Okay, cut the crap.” It was Suga who spoke. Nishinoya cackled. “Why are you really here?”

“To prove that Asahi owes me money.” Nishinoya answered simply, rubbing his hands together maniacally. Asahi looked like he might be sick.

“I have no money to give you.” For such a big man, Asahi really was a softie. He cowered against the wall as Nishinoya approached him, seeming to shrink in size a little bit.

“Well, I guess you can pay me back in other ways.” He said, grinning boldly and really exaggerating a wink before descending into laughter. Asahi turned bright pink but laughed all the same. Daichi stood in shock as Suga howled with laughter. 

As he laughed, Suga stood up completely straight, wrenching his hand out of Daichis (now loose) grasp. He held his hand out, palm up, indicating to Daichi that Asahi was not the only one who owed someone money. Daichi laughed, whispering to Suga, “No, not yet. Give it time.” Suga let his hand fall, mimicking disappointment. See, in this bet, time really was of the essence. Nishinoya and Asahi only had a week to get together before Suga lost, and had to pay Daichi money that he did not have. In retrospect, Suga really had drawn the short end of the stick. Even if they were together or going out, Suga would need hard proof, which, at this point, was not looking very likely.

Once the casual conversation died down, the four decided to leave. Daichi and Suga left first, hand in hand, leaving Nishinoya to search for his phone, the very phone that he had just shoved in his pocket. Daichi and Suga left them to it, knowing full well that the “missing phone” was a plot to get them alone.

Once they were a reasonable distance away, in the middle of idle chat about exams, the two turned to check on Asahi and Nishinoya. They spotted them standing just outside the gym, Nishinoya's hands grasping the front of Asahis jacket. Even so, it was completely unexpected, the way that one of his hands slid up to Asahi’s neck, their lips meeting in what was obviously a well-rehearsed kiss. Daichi averted his eyes, but Suga was absolutely overjoyed. Proof at last!

“Yes!” He screamed as he turned to Daichi. “Hand her over, Sawamura !” Grumbling through a small smile, Daichi shoved 2,000 Yen into his fist. They both laughed as they prepared to say goodbye, exchanging comments about how they “knew it all along” and how it was “only a matter of time.” They fell silent, the only sound that remained was their uneven breathing as they both waited for the other to say something , do something. Suga was getting deja vu.

“Well…” Daichi started sheepishly

“Don't tell me you're shy now?” Suga tilted his head forward, grinning out of one side of his mouth as he tucked the money into his back pocket.

“Suppose not.” Daichi leaned in and they kissed again, for a brief moment. Hands found the back of necks and hair as if they had done it a million times. Suga was blushing furiously when they pulled away. They fell silent, staring into each other’s eyes for as long as they could get away with. Daichi smiled an apology as he started to turn to leave. They said goodbye, and went their separate ways. The whole way home, Suga could feel the ghost of Daichi’s lips on his, his hands on Suga’s neck and in his hair, their hands connecting in a way that felt like they would never separate, and he smiled. He was glad that Daichi had been, and would continue to be, his first.

He hoped that he would never experience anyone else’s kiss. He hoped, prematurely, deep in his heart, that Daichi might be his last, too.

Spoiler alert: He was.