Chapter Text
your hands gripping the steering wheel were unable to move. when your eyes found the rearview mirror, you felt like you had drifted too far away from yourself. your eyes were red, the skin beneath them tinged with purple from the sleepless nights spent preparing for this exam. you always poured yourself into everything you did, but that was just who you were. you overthought everything—whether it was the study notes in front of you or the relationships in your life. every decision, big or small, was weighed and analyzed. you couldn’t help but dissect everything, as if the answers were hidden in the smallest details. that relentless drive for perfection followed you like a shadow, never letting you rest.
you tried to breathe, but your breath was caught for a moment. you were afraid, of not being accepted and being looked down upon. it was just an exam, at least that's what most people would think. but for someone who couldn't see themselves as worthy of being loved, of being seen enough, it felt like a message from the universe. the universe was telling you that you needed to give up on trying.
as you felt crushed by your thoughts, the passenger window of the car, buried in loneliness in the silent parking lot of the university at night, was knocked. the moment you saw the figure, you knew who it was. the person, tilting their head, gave you a warm smile from behind the closed window. it was jimin.
you unlocked the car door, wiped away the tears under your eyes with the back of your hand. jimin got in the car, handing you the drinks he was holding. he settled in comfortably, continuing to smile and said, ''hey,'' while you placed the drinks in the holders on the center console.
when you had to sniffle, jimin's eyes met yours. his expression quickly changed, his hands immediately found yours and gripped them tightly. ''oh, no, no, w- what's wrong?'' he asked, trying to calm you down. his concerned manner made you feel even more emotional. it was something you weren't used to, someone who cared so much about you. a friend.
park jimin was someone you met during the first week of university. he was standing by the door of the lecture hall with his blonde dyed hair, a green sweater, and a thick developmental psychology book he had borrowed from the library. his facial features were very soft, he gave a warm smile to everyone who greeted him, and had an energy that could comfort others with his pleasant conversation. you, who was anxious, had felt happy instantly seeing his relaxed attitude from a distance. you thought, if people like him existed in the department you were studying, you could easily overcome the stress of starting university and the difficulty of your major.
he was there, occasionally checking the phone resting on top of his book. not wanting to stare at him longer, you decided to sit in one of the chairs in the common area across from the hall and continued watching him. observing others and analyzing them was a method that always relaxed you. so many strong, so many difficult thoughts were racing through your mind – observing others was almost child's play for you. analyzing others had always been easier.
jimin was someone worth observing. he really was.
jimin leaned his head against the doorframe behind him and took a deep breath. his eyes were tightly closed, as if asking for patience. you thought his friends were late. you couldn't relate much to this, you had never been able to form very close friendships before. you were someone who preferred to be in your own space and at peace with your solitude. you liked making connections and socializing, but you had never gotten close to anyone before. many people found you warm, and you gave off an energy that made people feel safe. despite being like that, you hadn't gotten close to anyone. it wasn't something you did consciously, many people had commented that this was a defense mechanism for you, but that wasn't the case at all. you were happy. or at least you thought you were. maybe you were really just a coward. after all, you had been hurt badly before. that's why starting psychology was unsettling for you, you would learn a lot about yourself. and you did.
jimin finally raised his head and opened his eyes. you saw, from the long corridor to your right, your peers walking in uneven steps, swinging from side to side. it didn’t take long for you to realize they were jimin’s friends because jimin was looking at them with a furrowed brow. you found yourself silently chuckling, jimin's furrowed brows didn’t fit his usual energy at all. his upset expression, despite not knowing him, didn’t seem to match his overall character.
after frowning at his friends for a few seconds, his expression immediately softened into a more positive one. he leaned his black-haired friend, whose hair reached the back of his neck, and squeezed his cheek. you were surprised, because the guy whose cheek he squeezed didn’t seem particularly warm, like, at all. with his ripped gray pants, chunky sneakers, and distant gaze, his expression screamed i’ll make anyone who gets too close regret it and jimin’s warm gesture of affection seemed completely out of place in your mind. when jimin wrapped his arm around his friend’s shoulder, his seemingly indifferent friend didn’t look uncomfortable, at least his body language didn’t suggest that he minded.
you smiled to yourself, wishing you had people who accepted you for who you were, even with the occasional coldness you exhibited time to time. you shrugged it off, thinking life is life, but there was a voice inside you that couldn’t accept this reality. there was no problem, jimin would notice you too. he was an extrovert adopting introverts. people like him existed, and maybe, the warmest of them had found you. you were lucky.
you were surprised when jimin’s friends started to walk away from him. he waved to them and entered the lecture hall.
after a while, you too slowly walked toward the door of the lecture hall. you replaced your laptop, which you had tightly gripped with your arms, onto your right arm, and pushed the door open a little more to enter.
jimin was sitting in the front of the huge lecture hall. great, he is a nerd too, you thought. you wanted to chuckle, but you obviously couldn’t. it would have been too weird.
this is something i would do, and then you thought, if i sit in the row he’s sitting in, that would be really weird, right?
you started to feel the sweat starting to form at your temples. no, you thought to yourself and shook your head. you wouldn’t allow it.your university years wouldn’t be spent overthinking. jimin wasn’t giving off a bad energy anyway, he wouldn’t question your actions. he wouldn’t care about you at all, would he? he wouldn’t do anything to make you feel uncomfortable, he wouldn’t make you feel like you were acting foolish.
alright, fine, you said, you would do it, sit in the front, and dedicate yourself to the classes. you gathered all your energy and confidence, and sat four seats away from him. you looked ahead, at the computer in your lap, and its bag covering it.
even though you were looking ahead, you could still slightly perceive jimin and his easily recognizable green sweater. oh my god, he’s looking at me, you thought. ''hey,'' he said to you. now that you thought about it, he had always said ‘hey’ to you. you thought it was the softest way to call someone, or maybe it was the tone that soothed people, which made it sound so soft to you.
you slowly lifted your head and looked at jimin, who was sitting four seats to your left, with his yellow hair and light pink lips. you smiled faintly and nodded your head in greeting. ''hey,'' you said. jimin soon pulled you into a nice conversation. without you having to explain yourself too much, without having to open up, he continued the conversation. after the class, you had coffee together, and now, three years and four months later, you were here. in january, almost at the end of the semester, in the parking lot with your car, fogged-up windows, and the two of you. your warm coffees were starting to cool, and your hands were intertwined.
he was the kindest, sweetest, the most loving person you’ve ever met. just like you thought. his hair was brown now, and shorter. his smile still hadn’t lost its warmth. you compared him to sunlight time to time.
''what’s wrong? god, why didn’t you reach out sooner?'' he said, trying to warm your cold hands, a gift that stress had brought you, by trapping them between his. you shook your head in refusal. ''how could i have reached out? you’re as busy as i am,'' you said.
you knew this answer would upset him, jimin didn’t like excuses like that. he was strange, yes, that was true. no one liked to listen to problems, no one liked whiny people, that was a truth you had learned to accept and live with. jimin, however, was the kind of person who wanted to listen to every problem, the one who always came running to help you. well, jimin approached everyone like this, it was his character.
''don’t tell me that, i told you that this is just a bad excuse. my busyness is my concern, and i’m the one who needs to explain it. you... have to take a chance,'' he said with a frustrated sigh. ''how many times have i told you to let me know when something happens… and that you don’t have to fight every battle on your own?'' he said.
his right hand, which had released one of your hands, moved towards your hair. you felt that he hesitated for a moment, but his hand had already found your hair. this gesture of his caused your eyes to fill with tears again. his love sometimes felt so heavy on you. jimin was a good friend.
with his right hand, he tucked a few strands of hair that had fallen in front of you behind your ear. ''look, we’ve talked about this many times, but i’ll say it again. you’re not a burden to me. do you understand? you’re my…'' he paused, his face had a strange expression. he took a deep breath before continuing, ''you’re my best friend.'' he said. ''now what’s wrong, tell me, please.''
and just like that, almost half an hour had passed. you were sipping your coffees, and it was midnight, but you were still in this car that you had barely warmed up. jimin was like that. even if it was exam week, he somehow found the time to dedicate to you. he knew your coffee order, he knew what to say to you, and how to calm you down. he knew you, better than anyone ever had.
''i don’t feel enough, jimin. i never feel enough, do you understand? it’s hard to put into words, this feeling, because even when everything else says otherwise, it doesn’t make sense with what’s real. there’s no balance to it—sometimes, even when i succeed, this feeling still casts a shadow over everything and keeps pulling me down. i…'' you said and then paused, you had been staring at the cardboard coffee cup resting in your hands for a while. this wasn’t fair, you thought, you should be looking into the eyes of someone who was here for you. but... but you couldn’t. you couldn’t surrender yourself to jimin’s warmth because you felt like you didn’t deserve it.
''can you look at me,'' jimin said, his hand on your chin, gently lifting it upwards, ''please?''
even though your face was parallel to his, your eyes couldn’t meet his. ''i understand… i understand you. and i’ll always make an effort to understand. look, you… you’re putting too much pressure on yourself. no matter how much you deny it, i’m telling you this as an outsider. what makes you feel inadequate isn’t people or your exam scores. that voice, it’s not your voice, you need to realize that. please, try to understand what i’m trying to say, okay? we need to understand each other for this to be a meaningful conversation.'' your eyes finally found his, you began to examine his face. his clear skin, his lips, his eyes, you looked at them one by one, studied and analyzed him.
you questioned why he was here, why was he here; helping me? you swallowed. you wondered if he had any idea how much his presence made you happy. he really was so mature. he was only one year older than you, but it felt like there were more years between you, actually, he always made you feel that way. his words, the perspective he gave you, his actions, his open communication, his understanding… they were all so unconventional. he was so mature, a true adult. he was really good at healing your bittersweet heart. he really was a gentleman.
''i can’t prove to you how much i think you''re enough in any other areas, i guess for you to believe me, i need to talk about something i’ve experienced myself. you... you always tell me how mature i am,'' he said, as if reading your earlier thoughts. ''but the truth is, i actually learned it from you, did you know that?'' he said with a slight smile. his smile made your heart skip a beat for no reason. you knew, this conversation was going to tear you apart. jimin always knew how to beat that degrading voice inside you that gnawed at you day by day.
''you’re the most special person i know,'' he said, but you couldn’t digest it, you shook your head. ''this isn’t true, jimin.'' he frowned, ''i haven’t finished yet,'' he said harshly. ''this is my opinion. mine. just- please let me finish, okay?''
you swallowed, covering your face with your palms. you had never liked being praised. but unfortunately, jimin did it all the time. what made it worse was that his compliments always had logical and concrete explanations behind them, so rejecting them was really... hard.
''we have argued... many times, haven’t we? do you remember the time i was having a very bad day and i got upset with you? my reason did not make any sense, i know, and i had come to the dumbest conclusion without asking you and even had held a grudge against you. i don’t really remember what i was upset about specifically, but-'' before he could finish his sentence, you interrupted him, ''it was because i started seeing someone else and neglected you, yeah, i remember. you acted like a literal child.'' you said, shrugging, still finding his reaction meaningless.
you had only spent time with the guy you liked for just four days, a mere four days, and hadn’t had much chance to communicate with jimin during it. before meeting that guy, your time with jimin had never really been apart, but once that guy entered your life, some things in your dynamic changed. the boy didn’t stay long, maybe a few more weeks, but jimin was still here. he had always been there.
he never argued that his reaction made sense anyways, and that was exactly where you two differed, the issue wasn’t about logic, it was about how it felt, and feelings didn’t always have to make sense.
''alright, anyways,'' jimin smiled, and continued, ''do you remember... what kind of reaction you gave?'' he said, and his gaze raced between your eyes, waiting for your answer. ''uh, i don’t know.'' you said, ignoring his question. even though you knew the answer deep inside.
jimin chuckled and smirked devilishly afterwards, raising his eyebrows, ''i think you do, but, whatever'' he said, and this time, his right hand found its place on your left cheek without hesitation. the place where his hand touched felt like it burned. you could feel your cheeks beginning to blush slightly, since jimin’s physical affection always caught you off guard. you were someone who valued personal space, but for some reason, your defenses always felt weak against him. rejecting jimin was so hard, and you couldn’t lie, you didn’t want to reject him, ever.
while his hand was still on your cheek, he continued, ''you wanted me to talk openly with you. you said i needed to express my feelings clearly to you, and that this was the only way we could understand each other, the only way we could have an honest and strong dynamic. but i...'' he said, and stopped.
he shook his head as if he didn’t approve of his own past self and way of thinking, ''but i told you that maybe not everyone wants to communicate openly like you do, maybe they just want to live through their feelings. but you were right, deep down i knew it, people who are willing to understand each other always communicate, and they want to solve their problems with the person they care about. you... you were right.'' he said, and his hand gently stroked your cheek. ''you’re so pure-hearted, so mature and visionary. it breaks my heart that you don’t realize that.''
you sniffled, and a few drops of tears finally slipped from your eyes, as if they had been waiting in the depths of you for just this moment to break free. jimin wiped the tears from your cheeks with his thumb, then took it and gently wiped it under his eyes. you frowned in confusion. ''let's... cry together. i really can''t stand you fighting alone with... all this,'' he said.
what he was doing felt so cliché, god, it was so silly, you thought. but your heart didn’t agree, you couldn’t control the heart that was nearly ready to burst. his gesture wasn’t silly, definitely not. if it had been silly, the only thing you’d want to be doing wouldn''t be to hold and hug him tightly.
''it... doesn’t seem fair to me that you’re fighting with such heavy thoughts on your own. i... want to fight beside you, to help you... do you understand?'' he said, and that was the last straw for you.
''can you hug me?'' the words suddenly spilled out of your mouth. you couldn’t hold yourself back, you had accepted your need for jimin, and you realized that all you wanted now was to hug him and let him calm you down.
jimin didn’t hesitate, he pulled you close and hugged you tightly. you began to cry, your sobs were relentless now. jimin stroked your hair, you could feel his breath on your neck and it kind of tickled you. ''hey, it’s over, it’s over, okay? i’m here, and i’ll always be here for you, you... you have my word.'' he said, continuing to stroke your hair.
minutes later, even though your crying stopped and your breathing calmed down, you were still in jimin''s arms, not leaving just yet. deep down, you didn’t want to leave his arms, but when the question, ''are you feeling better?'' finally came, you reluctantly nodded. he was going to let you go.
''good,'' he said, and with his hands on your shoulders, slowly moved you away from him. ''now, i’m taking that seat, and we’re going to get some coffee.'' you frowned, ''but i thought you had an exam tomorrow?'' you said, with a questioning tone. ''my final is in the evening, and besides, i’ve studied as much as i could, don’t worry. the only thing i care about right now is getting you to feel better,'' he said, messing with your hair.
you lightly slapped his hand, ''hey!'' you warned him. you weren’t admitting it, but sometimes, you liked how he treated you like a kid. sometimes, you really needed to feel that way, to be looked after and cared for, and jimin could read that most of the time.
jimin chuckled, ''i know how much you love night drives. besides, we'll just grab a coffee and then head back in no time, alright? don't worry.'' it made you smile when he told you not to worry, because you were actually worried about him, and he knew that meant you might end up blaming yourself later. he really did know you well.
you both got out of the car, and when you stopped in front of the trunk, facing each other for a few seconds, there was a stillness between you. jimin’s gaze became a little odd for a moment. neither of you said anything, but the silence felt heavy, like something was about to shift. you just stared at each other, as if waiting for something you couldn’t quite name.
you felt your heart skip a beat. something had definitely shifted in your dynamic, and it seemed irreversible somehow. for a second, you couldn’t quite understand what was that all about. maybe, you didn’t want to. in those few seconds, you just stared at each other - the silence stretching, thick with something unspoken. jimin seemed like he was holding himself back from doing something, and you, you felt like you were already ready for whatever he was about to do.
it was strange, but it didn’t feel bad or weird. it was like you were stepping into unfamiliar territory. after looking into his gaze a little longer. it became clear to you, almost painfully so, that you were the only one feeling that it was unfamiliar. jimin’s gaze had shifted, and it wasn’t like his usual warm look. it was different, like someone who already knew what was happening, someone who wasn’t as unsure as you were.
no, no, it's not... possible, you thought to yourself, trying to shake the thought away. but as you were caught up in these swirling doubts, jimin’s gaze softened. he gave you that warm, familiar smile of his. he reached out and gently touched your shoulder, his touch almost grounding you, and said, ''come on,'' his voice softening, ''let's... go.''