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I sat in a crouched position in the corner of the common room. There were only a few people in the mansion, but the noise they made was unbearable. Every little noise was like a needle in my brain. Everything echoed in my head. It seemed surreal how loud it was, as if the world was crashing down on me. Another wave of pain shot through my head. God, how I despised these moments, especially since they happened suddenly and for no apparent reason. It didn’t happen very often, but when it did I felt like I was being suffocated by every single solitary sound, drowning in all the noise, slowly dying.
Is this what Charles' powers felt like?
´It was like this when I first got it, but not anymore´, answered a voice in my head. ´It will pass, just concentrate on my voice´. I was far too dazed and disoriented by now to disobey.
´Now, try to breath evenly. That’s it.´ It was getting a little better, slowly, but it still hurt and I still felt like I had to run from this, get away somehow, anyhow. But how do you run away from yourself?
´I’m afraid running will do very little indeed´ The voice was back. I knew it, but I couldn’t quite place it. ´Try to think of a place where you felt safe when you were a child. Maybe a lullaby even. Or just a gentle touch from your mother that would calm you down´, he suggested.´ It must be a he judging by the voice. I tried, tried so hard to remember something, anything beyond this terrible feeling of being a prisoner in my own mind, but I couldn’t think straight. I still only felt panic.
´I can’t.´
I felt something on my knee, a hand. Someone was trying to get my attention. I flinched, desperate to get away from any more sensations. I didn’t want to look up or open my eyes to acknowledge whoever this was. I couldn’t.
´Come on. It’s just me. It’ll be fine. I’m not going to hurt you. Please, look at me. I know you can do it.´ I kept my eyes closed firmly, my whole body so tense it felt like it might break any second. The person was breathing and it was so loud. And he was still looking at me. It made me nervous, made me want to scream and I would have been embarrassed if it hadn’t been for the panic and discomfort settling in every fibre of my being.
´May I touch you?´ Under any other circumstances this would have made me laugh as I could be quite dirty-minded. Not now though.
“Please just go away!”
´I’m trying to help you, but I can only do that if you let me. So please, let me help you, Y/N.´ The way he said my name sounded so familiar. Someone I had known for a long time. A friend? No bad feeling came with this voice at least. Then I noticed the accent. A flash of memory came upon me: Hazelnut-brown locks, startlingly blue eyes and something so very British about this person´s demeanor. “Charles?”
“Yes, it’s me. I’m sorry, I would have told you who I was if I’d known it was that bad.” Somehow he sounded hurt. Like me not recognising him was like a stab to his heart.
“Please help me”, I said, mainly because I really needed this to go away, but also because I didn’t want to hurt him any more and if being able to help me made him happy then who was I to deny him that? But why would he care that much? I mean, sure, we’re friends, but he was so much closer to Erik and Raven and even Hank than he’d ever been to me. Somehow that thought made me sad.
Suddenly I was on a beach. I couldn’t see anything because the wind blew my hair into my face, but I could feel the sand under my feet, smell the salt in the air. A seagull called. I freed my face of my hair and finally I could see again.The sun was just starting to set and the sky had a variety of blue and red tones and every colour in between. It was devastatingly beautiful! Someone stood beside me. I didn’t need to turn my head to know it was Charles. And as I didn’t know this beach it had to be his memory. Or maybe he created this in his own mind, some kind of mind-palace thing I heard of before.
“Where are we?”
“Do you like it? I used to spend my holidays here in the area. It’s near my aunts summer house. I loved to come here, it always helped me clear my mind when everything became too much, when I couldn’t drown out the voices anymore.”
“It’s beautiful!”, I told him. Suddenly I had an idea. “Can I show you something, too?”
“Of course you can”, he seemed surprised that I was suddenly so enthusiastic when just minutes ago I tried everything I could to make him leave me alone. Not that that was a lot, but still. We were in a forest now. I could smell the pines and the earth, the air so clean when I breathed it in deeply it felt like I’d never taken a breath before in my life. I tried to remember as much as I could as detailed as I could. There was a lake a few meters away just behind the trees. I could see the water through the leaves of a beech, so clear it didn’t seem real. The sunlight fell through the leaves and everything it touched looked golden. A few birds were singing and insects chirped creating a low humming sound.
Charles was silent, looking around, taking everything in.
“What do you think?”, I asked when his silence began to make me nervous. His expression was unreadable, definitely not neutral, but there were so many things going on, so many different emotions in his eyes, that I didn’t even know if he liked it or not. He returned my gaze. I could get lost in those eyes, I thought. Oh God, stop swooning. Please tell me you haven’t heard that. That’s so embarrassing! But if he hasn’t heard that he won’t answer, idiot. My thoughts went completely crazy and I averted my gaze, blushing furiously, hoping against all hope that he hadn’t noticed anything. Just stop thinking and maybe he really won’t notice, a tiny desperate voice in the back of my head told me.
Charles chuckled. Why is this happening to me? I begged the earth to swallow me whole, but there was no such luck.
”It’s wonderful” he replied. After what? Ten minutes? ”I’m pretty sure it wasn’t that long.”
”So you were reading my mind!”
”I couldn’t help it, after all we’re in your head at the moment. But it’s cute, don’t worry.”
”You think this is cute? I just destroyed our friendship forever and you think it’s cute?”
”Would it surprise you much if I told you I always felt more than friendship for you?”
My jaw dropped. I must be dreaming. The lack of oxygen from the panic attack made me faint and this is all just a dream. That must be it, I thought. I was so desperately in love I dreamt this because I knew it wouldn’t happen in real life, anyway.
”Why would you think that?” He looked concerned now, a frown spreading over his handsome face. ”I’m very much real, you know?” He took a step towards me. I was frozen in place, too confused to do or say anything at all. “How can I prove to you that this is real? That I am real?”
I don’t know, Charles.
Suddenly his eyes got a mischievous glint. ”Do you trust me?" I didn’t trust my voice so I just nodded. ”Thank you. Now close your eyes, please.” I absolutely wasn’t sure about this, but I also felt a strong wave of anticipation, my panic attack long forgotten. I felt him move even closer, heat radiating from his body. My heartbeat got faster and faster by the second and my body was hot and cold all over. ”Shhhh, easy. Just relax”, I heard him say. You relax! I could feel him smile in my mind.
When his lips finally touched mine my heart skipped a beat. My knees all but gave out and the only thing keeping me from falling were his arms wrapped around my waist. The only thoughts remaining in my head were that I never wanted this kiss to end, so I wrapped my arms around his neck, holding him close. He hummed softly when I pressed myself against him. I love you, I thought with as much vigor as I could muster, desperate to have him know.
‘I love you, too’, he thought back and I felt like my heart was going to explode. We were so lost in each other that neither of us heard the door open and then close again a moment later.
*****
The others stood outside the room staring expectantly at Hank. ”Is she okay? Or is Charles going to kill us at dinner?”
A very flustered Hank answered: ”He did manage to calm her down. I don’t think that either of them will attend dinner tonight though.”
”Does that mean we can use the TV now?”, one of the kids asked.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea. Let’s go outside and play catch, shall we? Give them some privacy”, Raven said, taking two of them by the hand the rest following happily after her.
“Don’t think you’ll get out of this so easily! You owe me ten bucks, Raven!”, Erik shouted after her.