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BOOK TWO
“I am on the High King’s enormous bed, bleeding on his majestically appointed coverlets. Everything hurts. There’s a hot, raw pain in my belly, and my head is pounding.
Cardan stands over me. His jacket is thrown on a nearby chair, the velvet soaked through with some dark substance. His white sleeves are rolled up, and he’s washing my hands with a wet cloth. Getting the blood off them.
I try to speak, but my mouth feels like it is full of honey. I slide back into the syrupy dark.”
-Chapter 17 of The Queen of Nothing (The Folk of the Air #3),
Holly Black
I don’t know how long I’ve been asleep. I just know it must have been a lot.
Confused, I open my eyes, and the first thing I see is the blood stained canopy of Cardan’s royal bed, lit by faint rays of sunlight. I don’t have my clothes on anymore, but what appears to be one of the High King’s shirts. When I try to sit up, my abdomen hurts like hell and I grunt in pain, falling back onto the soft pillows.
«I’m glad to see you’re finally awake,» someone says suddenly. My gaze darts to the left of the bed, only to find Cardan sitting in an armchair, looking straight at me. His legs are crossed, and although his face looks angry, his posture is tense and his voice is full of concern.
I hadn't realized he was there.
«Cardan, I…»
For the first time in my life, I find myself without words. I don’t know what to say to him, nor where to begin.
Suddenly he stands up, his tail twitching nervously at his side. I notice that the puffy white shirt he's wearing is also stained with my dried blood, and I can’t help but wonder how long he’s been sitting in that chair waiting for me to wake up. He must have put off all his obligations to be here. I wonder what the Living Council has to say about it.
«Jude, stop.» He moves closer to me, adjusting the pillows behind my back so I can look at him, then stands in front of me. Hearing my name with such anger in his voice sends chills down my spine.
«Doing what?» I answer, pissed off at his tone. «You exiled me.»
«I honestly believed you were smarter than that», he says, crossing his arms over his chest. He continues to glare at me. «Do you have any idea how worried I’ve been these past few days? You fell off the damn roof!»
«Worried?» I repeat. «When have you ever cared for anyone other than yourself, Cardan? I was there because I thought Madoc had sent the Ghost to kill you, and I couldn’t let that happen!»
He smears his red eyes, surprised by my words. «You were there because of me? To save my life?»
«Of course I was.»
I look away when he comes closer to me, sitting on the edge of the bed. For a moment all I can see is his back, but suddenly he sighs, turning around to face me again. «You shouldn't have done that. You scared the hell out of me, Jude, seriously. Watching you fall… that was the worst thing I have ever had to witness. I am not used to fearing for you. You don't do stupid things like save my life.»
«I am mortal», I say. «So I’m fragile. Why would you ever be fearing for me?»
His voice is a whisper now. «Not you, Jude. You’re strong, you’re different. You never break.»
«Cardan.» My gaze flickers to his, again. «Why were you afraid for my life?»
He doesn’t answer; at one point I think he can’t, maybe because he doesn’t want to tell me the whole truth and he can't find a way to get around it. I glare at him, waiting. I hear him sigh again, then his tail flicks on the bed.
«How can you still not get it?» His tone is so exasperated I feel he’s about to tear his hair out. «After everything I have done, I thought it was clear.»
«You exiled me!» I yell again.
Cardan rubs his hands over his black velvet trousers. «I did. But Jude— »
«Be clear, for once!» I am about to cry.
«When Madoc was about to take you away, you told me I had tricked you. You meant marrying you, making you queen, all of it, did you not?»
«"Of course it was a trick", is what you said. What else was I supposed to believe?»
My thoughts race through my mind, but I can’t make sense of what he's saying.
«I only acted as you would have.» He replies. «You trick people… you trick me. I thought you would admire me, because for once I was the one to fool you instead. Of course I thought you’d be angry, but not quite like this.»
My heart slams against my chest. «What?»
«Jude…» he sighs again. «Think: "I exile Jude Duarte to the mortal world. Until and unless she is pardoned by the crown, let her not step one foot in Faerie or forfeit her life".»
I stare at him, confused. «Yes. I believe these were the words you used.»
«"Pardoned by the crown". By the High King of Faerie, or…»
«By their Queen», I finish.
Cardan nods. «You were free to return whenever. I wanted to please Orlagh, and I was not yet aware that you had killed Balekin. My plan was to have her sign the deal, and by then you would have already solved the riddle, being finally able to come back to me.»
I can’t breathe. Back to me… as his Queen. Consort. The choice of words was meant for me. It wasn’t casual. It was for me to solve. What the hell—
I slap him in the face, leaving a red mark on his cheek. He stays still, staring at me with short breath, as if he had seen it coming. Then he speaks again.
«I honestly did not think I could hurt you like this, Jude. I believed nothing could. And I do not want you to be afraid of me.» He takes my hand, squeezing it in his. «The possibility that I might scare you never crossed my mind.»
«Well, you did.» I am angry, and he’s gonna have to deal with it. «I’ve always been afraid of you, because you gave me every reason why I should! Fear is why I pointed a knife at you in the first place in the Court of Shadows! And you did hurt me, Cardan. You hurt me in so many ways, for so many years, and when you exiled me I finally saw that version of you again, and I felt so stupid because I should have seen it coming. I know you. You couldn’t be this caring if you tried to, because you’re incapable of it. But now I know better.»
Saying these things to him feels like poisoning myself, all over again. But he can't know.
His eyes, red perhaps for the lack of sleep, flicker with pain and surprise. «Jude…»
«No. I don’t understand you, Cardan. You think you’re being clear and concise, but you're just— »
I can’t finish my sentence because suddenly his lips crash into mine, and I give in. I hate myself for it, but I can’t hate him enough to pull away when he kisses me.
One of his hands grips my hair, while the other is still tied to mine and his tail brushes my arm. I feel my heart pounding into my chest and there’s a remote part of my brain that's actively trying to warn me to stop when our tongues melt together.
«Cardan», I sigh, my breath short. «We shouldn’t.»
I painfully pull away from him, catching a glimpse of ache in his eyes before he closes them shut.
«I know I am not reliable nor easy, and I’m sorry I have caused this much pain in your life, Jude, I really am. It was— it was always a game to me, our game. Again, I had never thought you'd be afraid of me, or that you'd let me hurt you. It seems impossibile to even say out loud. When you forced me to work for the Court of Shadows… I did not think I was worth anything. But somehow you made me realize I was. You may not have realized it, but you... believed in me in some way. And it showed me that I was actually good at something. That I was useful to someone.»
I seem to have lost the ability to speak. My eyes fill with tears as he keeps talking.
«I never once believed that you joined up with Madoc, much less that you were actually trying to kill me. Because as much as you may claim to hate me, Jude…» he whispers, his hand still intertwined with mine. «I trust you completely. And I want you by my side forever, as the rightful Queen of Elfhame. My Queen. You never received my correspondence when you were in the mortal world, but I never hid this from you. I tried to reach out, Jude. I missed you.»
He did mention some letters, when I snuck into the palace dressed as Taryn, after Locke’s death. The day he recognized me right away. “Jude, you can't really think I don't know it's you. I knew you from the moment you walked into the brugh”, he said back then. Oddly enough, it all makes more sense now.
«What was in it?» I mutter.
He shifts closer to me and brings a hand to my face to collect a tear that had fallen.
«I begged you to come back. If I recall correctly, I also made several indiscreet promises.» He smiles as he does when he says he’s nervous. «"Come home and shout at me. Come home and fight with me. Come home and break my heart, if you must. Just come home".»
I stare at him, eyes wide open. I don’t feel like he’s tricking me this time. «Did you really say all of this?»
He nods, his hand on my cheek. I instinctively lean in to kiss him again, watching his glimmering eyes inspect me curiously, but suddenly I become painfully aware that I’ve been in this bed for who knows how long, and that I still have dried blood and dirt all over me. I must smell like a rotten corpse.
Shame rushes through me instantly, and I pull away.
Cardan tilts his his head just a little. «Are you okay?» He asks uncertainly.
«Yeah, it’s just… I'm a complete mess right now.» I blush. I never blush, and he knows it, giving his crooked, amused smile.
«Since when do you care what you look like in front of me?» He chuckles. «I don’t care, Jude. I still— », he stops mid-sentence.
I look down, fidgeting nervously with my hands in my lap. He still— what?
«Hey», he says, placing a finger under my chin to lift my head. «Would it help if I ran you a bath?»
I nod, unable to speak, as he kisses my forehead. Okay, I did not see that coming.
He gets up, disappearing into the bathroom for a while. When he returns, he smells clean and is dressed like a King again. His midnight curly hair is dripping onto the shoulder pads of his black jacket.
«Now that you’re awake and I know you’re okay, I need to consult with the Living Council. I ignored them while you were sedated, because—»
«Don’t worry», I stop him. «Go. I understand.»
He winks. «I’ll be back before you know it.»
«Cardan?» I ask. He turns around, hand on the doorknob. «I missed you, too.»
His mischievous smile makes my heart skip a beat as he closes the bedroom door behind him.
I ignore the sharp pain in my abdomen to stand up and try to steady myself on the furniture as I walk towards the bathroom. There, I find the tub filled with sparkling water, countless candles lit, and a tray with some water and cookies. I soak in the water, wiping myself clean to remove the smell of blood, then I accurately wash my hair thoroughly, carefully untangling it.
When I’m done, I find some of my old clothes on the furniture, and get dressed while drinking water and eating cookies.
I return to the room, suddenly extremely tired again, only to find the bed perfectly made and clean, without my bloodstains, and Lilliver waiting for me by the desk.
«Who would have thought you’d fall off the roofs, now», she chuckles, coming closer to me.
«Luckily, your aim isn't that good, I guess», I reply, mocking her. «I feel better.»
«Oh, I know you do, but I need to get your stitches out.» Bomb gestures the sofa with her hand. «Jump up, I have things to do.»
I can’t help but smile while I lay back on the couch. «I missed you, Lil.»
«Right back at ya, High Queen of Elfhame.» She gives me a mocking bow, then proceeds to cut my stitches. It hurts a little, but nothing like the pain I felt after the fall.
We talk for a while, but then Cardan enters the room. His face stills for a brief moment when he realizes we are not alone. He studies Lilliver’s hands moving over my wound, then speaks.
«I could have done that myself. After all, I’m the one who put those stitches on her.» His tone is a little bitter. He walks over to us, leaving his jacket on the armchair. He's clearly nervous, judging by the smile he has on right now.
«Yes, yes,» Bomb mutters. «I'm done anyway,» she adds, wiping her hands.
«Thank you, Lil,» I say. She waves goodbye, then leaves the room.
I stand up, facing Cardan. He looks nervous and a little bit embarrassed.
«Did you enjoy the bath?» he asks.
«Yes, thanks. I’m a little bit tired, though.»
He inhales sharply, then points to the sofa where Lilliver took out my stitches. «You can rest a little longer. I'll sleep here.»
I nod, sitting on the soft mattress of the royal bed. He’s turned away from me, but I can see his tail twitching nervously as he lays down on the chaise longue.
«Cardan?» I ask. He quickly turns his head toward me, and I feel my heart stopping. «You can… sleep here too, if you want.»
He hesitates as I hold my breath. Then he blinks, confused. «Can I?»
I nod again. «Of course you can.»
In a second he’s standing in front of the bed. «Are you sure?»
«We both know I wouldn’t have asked you if I wasn’t.»
I lie down, hoping he won’t change his mind. But instead, he nods and sprawls on the bed next to me, but he doesn’t dare touch me. He's so far away I can't even feel his weight on the mattress. The darkness of the room makes this situation even more intimate than it actually is. I feel awkward.
«Night then», I say.
«Goodnight, Jude.» His voice is so soft and sweet I almost crawl towards him, but I force myself to stay still as I try to fall asleep.
After what feels like a while, I roll over in the enormous royal bed, still awake. It feels too big, or maybe it’s just us who are moving way too carefully in it. I’m not sure. I feel like there’s an invisible line between us, one neither of us wants to be the first to cross. But the silence, for once… it doesn’t feel sharp as usual.
Cardan lies next to me, his dark hair ruffled against the pillow. I sigh as I watch him sleep. I can feel something has shifted between us, but I can’t quite put my finger on what it is.
Just as I thought he was asleep, though, he opens one eye and smirks at me lazily.
«Still awake?» He asks.
«I can’t sleep.»
We’re facing each other now. He has his hands under his cheek, and he looks relaxed. His tail is resting between us.
«Me neither», he says. «I've had something on my mind since we talked, earlier.»
I look up at him, curious. «Go on.»
«What exactly went through your mind when you decided to risk your life to save me? I believe we can agree it was a bit… excessive. I am hardly the most deserving of heroic gestures, especially from you.»
I rest my head on my arm as I study him with narrowed eyes. Is he seriously asking this? We’ve already been through it. However, I continue playing along and answer his question.
«Perhaps», I admit, teasing him. «Maybe it was just an impulse. You know how it is, I like the thrill of danger sometimes.»
«Oh, sure», Cardan nods, amused. «Because throwing yourself into a potentially deadly situation is just your favorite hobby, is it not?»
«Exactly.» I smile and relax back into the pillow. «Some people collect coins, some people garden, and then there’s me, meddling in wars and political plots to save ungrateful husbands.»
Cardan laughs genuinely, a soft sound I've only heard a few times, warm against my skin in the darkness of the room. But then his amusement fades just enough for me to notice.
«Jude», he whispers. The way he says my name makes my breath catch. «Seriously. Why? Don’t lie to me.»
I look away from him, staring at the ceiling. I could dismiss him with another joke, or even lie, give him some convenient excuse. But that's not who we are, is it? Not us. Not anymore.
«Because you matter to me, Cardan.»
The words come out lower, more sincere than I expected, even if it’s a half-truth.
He’s silent for a moment, and when I turn to look at him again, his usual smile is gone. In its place, there’s an expression harder to read, something dangerously close to the real truth I avoided saying. And I think he knows I did.
«I suppose I should say thank you, then», he says. His tone is light, but his eyes betray him.
Playing it down, I pretend to think about it. «Hmm. Don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll find a way for you to repay me.»
He smirks at me and jokes. «I fear I stand no chance against you, do I?»
I shake my head, still smiling, and in the silence of the royal bedroom, the line between us feels a little thinner. But then, subtly, without warning— Cardan leans in.
His hand brushes mine, just barely, but enough for my heart to skip a beat. He looks at me and, for the first time, there’s no mockery in his eyes, none of the usual arrogance. Instead, he’s watching me like… like I matter to him, too.
He reaches out, fingers pushing a stray of hair behind my rounded ear, then he softly traces the outline of it, sighing. A small, unnecessary gesture. Careful.
As I watch him, I can’t help but feel a fluttering tightness in my chest. He’s usually not this careful with me, this… sweet. He’s always been cruel, infuriating, inconsiderate. Impossibly arrogant, maddeningly frustrating. That is the Cardan I know how to deal with. But this? This is something else entirely. He shifts even closer, this time wrapping an arm around my waist to hug me, and presses a kiss to my forehead.
My jaw tightens, and I force myself not to react, not to let him know how much I love when he does this, or I’ll never hear the end of it. Instead, I bury my face in his chest, hiding the smile tugging at my lips.
«Why are you doing this?» I ask, my voice barely audible, his tail gently brushing my leg.
Cardan exhales a soft laugh, shaking his head as if I've said something ridiculous, and for a moment, I feel like he’s about to make fun of me. Then he looks at me again, his black eyes shining in the darkness as his hand runs up and down my back.
«How can you still not get it?» His voice is more relaxed than I’ve ever heard it. «I love you, Jude.»
I feel like I've stopped breathing. I don’t know what I expected him to say, but it sure as hell wasn’t that. Not that simply... not without irony, or any kind of defense to soften the blow of it. Things are never that easy with him.
But he keeps looking at me, his expression calm while his fingers rest gently on my back, as if he’s waiting for me to pull away.
But I don’t. And somehow, incredibly, I think I always knew I wouldn’t.
Instead, my grip tightens around him and I curl my legs with his, pulling him closer.
I hold him tight. «I love you too, Cardan.»
And this time, I don’t bother hiding the smile.