Archive of Our Own

It was just supposed to be a chore. That’s all Jake had in mind. A nice gesture.

He already feels guilty mooching from Miriam as is. At the very least, if he’s going to stay here, he shouldn’t be a total slut and help around the house. After all, that’s some shred of advice the therapist gave if he wanted to climb out of his dark place.

So he’s doing the dishes while Miriam is out for errands. All of them. He wants the kitchen to be spotless when she gets back. 

Unfortunately for him he’s had the TV on as background noise the entire time. Just some news stuff. 

It’s been fine all day. The occasional depressing stuff like deaths or destruction are a downer, but at least it keeps Jake’s brain running to do his task. 

Then around the home stretch it came unsuspicious. After brushing his own hair out of his face for the hundredth time, he’s regretting not tying it up first. He’s come to need to do that a lot lately. He doesn’t know if it’s the depressive mood swings or what, but his hair has grown significantly since he started living with Miriam. 

I’ll just put this plate away and get a tie, he thought. And he finishes drying off the plate in his hand to walk over and put it away.

“Why would anyone want him back? Unless they’re really desperate for some more pointless boy drama.”

Jake stops in his tracks to recognize that deep husky voice.

Why won’t she stop doing these?!

“It’s all he’s good for, really. Drama. So I may not want him back, but if he is, so be it. The only one that likes him anymore is Miriam, which is a low bar if you ask me. What’s he doing now? Mooching on her couch?”

Jake rolls his eyes and walks to find the remote to change the channel. 

But because of his eye roll, he missteps and hits the side of the counter. In a second, before anything can be processed, he’s on the floor in a pile of shattered plate glass.

He lifts his head in shock. Of course. Of course he can’t even do dishes right. Look at the mess you’ve made, Jake. She is going to kick you out for sure.

He lifts his hand to try and pick up some pieces, but when he does, a bloody cut is revealed.

His mind flashes for a second.

“Who wants a shit like you anyway?! Get outta here!”

Then his mind is nothing but panic, dizziness, pain, and hard breathing.

“Jake, honey…” A gentle hand presses on his shoulder, making him tense up. 

She quickly figures out she needs to give him a minute, and looks up to notice the TV and Ellie Parker’s face on it.

“Oh my.” The elder rolls her eyes and steps over to grab the remote and turn off the TV. Then she turns back to a still freaked out Jake. “It’s alright, honey. It’s just a plate.”

Jake doesn’t say a word to her. Instead a tear falls from his face.

Miriam, not understanding what’s going on, slowly approaches him to gently pull his hair away from his face so he can look up at her. He can see for himself she’s not mad at him.

A couple minutes later, Jake is seated on the couch with a blanket over his shoulders. His head is hanging down, face puffy from crying. Miriam comes back with a glass of cold water for him, which she gently sets on the coffee table.

“Have you been cleaning all day?” She asks.

Jake hugs himself. “I’m so sorry. I just… I wanted to be a help, and I-I couldn’t even-“

Miriam has heard this speech of guilt before. “I hope you realize that if I wanted to kick you out, I would.” She sternly says that, a finger at his face. Then she loosens a bit. “But am I doing that?”

“You should.” Jake says softly.

“Accidents happen.” Miriam tells him. “What I’m more worried about is you.”

She motions him to give her his injured hand. Reluctantly, he does, and she takes the bandages from the coffee table to wrap it up.

“That girl doesn’t know what she’s talking about.” Miriam tells him.

“Then why does everyone agree with her?” Jake asks. “You can’t ignore that…”

He had to take a break from his social media lately, because of how many hate comments were showing up in his feed. Most of them about how he deserved everything that happened, and how bad of a person he was.

“Strangers online who don’t even know you.” Miriam calmly argues.

“And my own family.” He corrects her. “No offense Miriam, but I think you’re the only one on the planet who could ever like me.”

Once she’s done securing the bandage on his hand, he goes back to hugging his knees and burying his face in them. Miriam sits next to him, putting an arm around him. 

“You didn’t deserve what she said to you in the cave.” Miriam tells him. They’ve watched the edit plenty times over, mostly because no one would shut up about it. “She’s projecting to make herself feel better. But that doesn’t make her right-“

“No.” Jake cuts her off. He sighs and admits, “Ellie was right. Everything she’s said about me… it’s right.”

“No it’s not.”

“Yes it is.” Jake doubles down. “Maybe she was mean in how she went about it… but she never lied. I am dramatic. I am a burden. I am a dick. Nobody with decency wants me… no offense.”

“You’re not perfect. I’m not either.” Miriam assured him, unconvinced. “It’s one person.”

“You think I’d give a shit if it was one person?” Jake, in a nervous laugh, asks her. “Okay. One bitch hates me. Who cares? It’s another when people agree with them. The world. Your friends. Your family. Your…” 

He chokes on his own voice at the last part. “Your own love…”

The memory messes up his breath. 

Miriam raises an eyebrow. “Tom? I know he’s not calling, but…”

Jake stares at her.

Then she gets it. “The other one…”

Jake curls his lip and rests the side of his head on his knees. He faces Miriam and says, “Ellie was right.”

There’s a beat of silence.

Miriam assures him, “You don’t have to tell me anything. It’s okay.”

“No, I want to.” Jake sits up. “It’s… it’s fine. We’re not on the show.”

Maybe it is annoying of him, but talking about his problems aloud helps him.

“It was because of me.”

Jake wasn’t particularly hated or popular in high school. He simply existed, holding his books close and walking to class quietly. 

He didn’t have much time for things like social events or friends. Most of his attention and energy went towards his studies and getting the perfect grades.

What for? Well… it was mostly just to not piss off his parents. They were sticklers for school like that. Shawn may get yelled at more for this sort of thing than he does, but that doesn’t mean Jake didn’t have his fair share of failures and lectures. And frankly, mom and dad had this tone in their anger that hurt more than any punishment would. 

In his spare time, he would hide under his bed and stow away whatever books he got from the school library. Usually they’re romance books. And he would read them and draw in some notebooks late into the night.

His mom was very into romance. But he still hid it because then he’d have to explain the fact that he’s up at hours he shouldn’t be,  and those books are… embarrassing.

And the sketch journal? Forget it. 

Especially when most of those sketches were fanart of the guys in the books he read. And it led to some… intrusive thoughts and dreams.

It’s just a phase, he thought. Teenagers have phases.

But no. He would consider drawing the girls, but his brain became disinterested and unmotivated quickly. 

And this interest resulted in one sketch from a guy in a book and deciding, Hold up a minute, this guy looks quite like Sidney.

A boy in his class. Social, had friends, and had the cutest smile. 

But by then, he didn’t say much, and only stared from afar. It was his little secret.

But he hadn’t come to terms with his orientation. He knew what queers were, but his school and neighborhood were… shall we say… judging.

His dad would assume both his sons were straight, and made some unassuming comments at the dinner table that stung a bit.

“Some teen boy got in trouble with the police.” Dad summarized from the newspaper he’s reading. 

“What for?” Mom asked. She held her hand out to Jake. “Salt.”

Jake, trying to stay quiet, passed the salt.

“Drunk night past curfew. Crashed right into another car after throwing a Molotov at a tree near his school.”

“Not here, right?” Shawn asked in a bit of fear.

“No.” Mom shook her head.

Dad sighed. “Kids, I tell ya.”

Then he puts down the paper and adds, “At least he’s not gay.”

Jake paused from his forkful of green beans. 

Why did that bother him, exactly? He’s not gay. 

Still, the implication that it’s worse than becoming a criminal is… it’s a bit much.

“You’re not excused from this table without eating your veggies, young man.” Mom snapped him back to reality, taking note of his hesitation.

“I-I know.” Jake said shyly, putting the green beans in his mouth.

“Speaking of you,” Mom put some unwanted attention on Jake. “You thought about going to prom this year?”

“Janice.” Dad sneered.

“It’s just a question.” Mom defended.

“He never goes anywhere. And if he has friends, I sure as hell don’t know about them.”

“I-it’s fine.” Jake answered. “I don’t think I’m that interested.”

He never went to prom. Or any outings.

“Do not feel bad, son.” Dad assured him. “When I was your age, I didn’t start dating till I was in my senior year of college. I set all my priorities towards where it was important.”

Grades. At least that’s what Jake got from that.

“You’ll find a girl when you’re ready. And she’ll be lucky to have a good handsome boy.” Dad teased.

“Dad,” Jake embarrassingly chewed. “I just got my braces off a month ago.”

That at least got a laugh out of his father. Even if Jake wasn’t laughing himself.

Jake retreated to his room, gently shutting the door behind him. He collapsed on his bed, exhausted for the day. All he wanted to do was relax the rest of the night. But he couldn’t do that because of homework.

Maybe one chapter, Jake decided. That would get his energy back. 

He pulls out his library book from under his pillow and flips to the bookmarked page. 

The main couple in the book were waking up in the morning after a night of… love. It’s lovey dovey, it’s sweet and affectionate. The way he kisses her ear…

Jake can see why she chose him is all he can say. 

Then they’re interrupted by a phone call. The girl answers to hear it’s from her sister, a character barely in the book.

“Cindy? All this time?” She cheered. “Oh my gosh, how’ve you been? How’s the girlfriend?”

Jake lingers on the paragraph.

Girlfriend. But the character is a girl too. A published book would leave a typo like that? 

Is it a typo? Or is the sister lesbian?

Then Jake’s own phone buzzes and startles him.

It’s a text from his neighbor.

Troy :  You holding up?

Jake:  I’m alive.

Jake:  What happened with the playoffs?

Troy:  We won the first game.

Troy:  You should meet my new team for this season. I think you’ll like them. 😉

Jake:  No girls.

Jake:  I told you I don’t want to go to prom.

Troy:  Come ooooonnnn.

Jake:  Have fun with your fancy new friends. I’ll be fine.

The stream of texts end there. He’s glad Troy was more extroverted than he was. He’s glad Troy was on the school’s hockey team now. 

Jake didn’t have to get involved in that.

That’s what he thought anyway. The next day, Troy came to him at school anyway. 

Jake was putting some books away in his locker when Troy grabbed him from behind and startled him.

“Dude!” Jake spat in annoyance.

“Oh come on, I barely touched you.” Troy said, rolling his eyes.

Jake motioned to recap, “Full hand on my shoulder, gripping it down like this. You call that barely touching?”

“Troy?”

Jake was stunned to see Sidney coming up to them. He asked Troy, “You ran off man, why?”

Jake felt his heart skip a beat. He gripped his chest, questioning what that’s about.

“You know Jake?” Troy introduced, forcing Jake to look up again. “Pretty sure he’s in… one, maybe two of your classes.”

“Oh! I’ve seen him around. Haven’t talked though.” Sidney said.

He offered a hand to Jake, introducing himself. “Sidney. Hey.”

Jake hesitated. Why was he so nervous all of a sudden? He’s seen this guy before.

He took his hand to shake it, a rush of heat traveling from his hand to his chest. “J-Jay…”

And his head apparently.

“I mean Jake. It’s Jake. You may know my dad, he uh, he’s… his names not Alex, that’s…” Just stop. “Nice to finally meet you, Sidney.”

Despite Jake forgetting how to talk, Sidney took it well and laughed it off.

Then the bell rang. Sidney waved off and walked off to class. Jake watched him go.

Troy had to wave a hand over Jakes vision. “You alright?”

“Y-yeah yeah yeah, I’m fine.” His face felt hot. This didn’t feel fine. “You-dude, you’re friends with Sidney now?!”

“Uh, no shit? He’s the captain?!”Troy scoffed. “I thought you were smart enough to put two and two together.”

“Apparently not.” Jake admitted.

But that didn’t end up being the last time. Jake quickly realized Troy was serious about these being his new friends.

He arrived at his usual lunch spot, and there’s Troy, and there’s his friends with him, including Sidney.

A million butterflies entered his stomach, killing his appetite.

Maybe Troy just doesn’t want me anymore. Jake decided, and he tried to walk away.

“Jake! Come here!” Troy waved.

Nope. He did.

Jake reluctantly took the empty seat, which he realized was next to Sidney.

He was chatting it up and laughing with the girl in the group. It made Jake wonder briefly if there was something going on between them. Though the thought saddened him.

“So, Jake, is it?” The girl introduced. “Tris.”

He might as well start a conversation. “So… does Troy mention me at all?”

“Honestly, no.” At least she was the honest type.

Made sense. He only hung out with him because they were neighbors and easy to reach. They felt more like acquaintances than friends.

Sidney asked, “You play any sports, Jake?”

“Uh… no.”

“He doesn’t do anything,” Troy called out.

“Stickler parents to grades?” Sidney assumed.

Jake nodded.

“Totally get that! Mine are like that too! ‘Get a good future, get a good degree, get a girlfriend’ yaddy yaddy yada, like shut up. I’m young.” He had a nice tone to his voice when he rambled like that. 

Jake wanted him to keep talking. “When did you get into hockey?”

“I was in a camp in the fourth grade. Found my talent there I suppose. The first time I joined a team in middle school, it was behind my parents back cause they wanted me to only focus on studying. They found out and I was grounded and they took me off the team, demanding I quit. I convinced them next semester by doing what they wanted.”

The whole time, Jake felt his insides flutter, and it wasn’t from hunger. Maybe he was getting sick. 

He would stay like that till the end of lunch, having eaten next to nothing. The consequences led to him going to the school vending machine before the bus. 

He planned to get a bag of chips and go, but of course, someone’s voice stopped him.

“Hey, Jake? Real quick.” Jake turned around to see Sidney there. “So… I didn’t know if you knew, but we have practice. I know you’re not on the team, but if you ever want to come hang out and watch us, here’s the schedule.”

He handed Jake a sheet of paper.

Jake hesitated. What was this? Was this a friend invite? Why did it feel so…?

“I… I don’t know, it’s not my thing…” 

“Take it anyway.” Sidney invited kindly.

Then the bus’s horn sounded.

“Shit!” Jake screeched, snatched the paper, and ran out the door.

Then he stopped at the doorway to look back at Sidney. Was he laughing? And not in a bullying way? “Uh, bye! See you around!”

Jake barely made the bus before it left, much to a sigh of relief. It was only then that he opened the paper to see its contents.

It really was a schedule of their hockey team practices. He wasn’t trying to pull a prank on him. 

His eyes skimmed through the schedule itself, and then he noticed the bottom of the page, written in gold ink.

“Let’s keep in touch, bud! - Sidney <3”

Along with a phone number.

Part of Jake wanted to spiral in confusion. Why would Sidney do this? Sure, it wasn’t like they only started knowing each other today. They were in classes together. And that heart? That’s…

No. That was just a friend gesture. That’s all that meant.

Either way, the thought of Sidney being a new friend made Jake smile and hold the paper tight.

From there, Jake took advantage of the phone number and called Sidney when he needed someone to talk to. School brought stress after all, especially as a Junior, so it was nice to have someone who was open to listening.

He still remembers to this day the things he learned about Sidney he found fascinating. 

Even in school, he swore he could talk to him for hours and not zone out.

Still, that weird feeling in him didn’t go away. But if it was so sickening, why did he want it?

Until the day he decided to go watch a practice. He found the spare time.

On his way out the door, his mom stopped him. “Hold on mister! Where do you think you’re going?”

“Uh… to school?” He answered with a nervous grin.

She raised an eyebrow. “What for?”

“There’s a hockey meet. I’m hanging out with some friends.” He answered. “There’s no drugs, I swear.”

She didn’t look convinced.

“I already finished my homework.” He defended.

She paused and crossed her arms, thinking about it.

“Alright. But you be back by nine.” She told him.

Jake grinned. “Thanks mom!”

He opened the door to leave, but then she warned, “Hey. One more thing. If your grades slip, you don’t get to see these ‘friends’ of yours.”

“Oh come on mom, let him socialize.” Shawn came in, doing something on his phone.

Jake left the house and closed the door, but he still lingered to eavesdrop on the following talk.

“Don’t you think this is unlike him?”

“Well yeah, but I think it’s good.”

“Who even are these friends? They could be dealing your brother drugs! Next thing you know, he could come home announcing he’s gay or some shit like that.”

“You know what I think is getting to him? He said they were hockey players at school, right? Last time I checked, there are some girls on that team, if you know what I mean…”

“A girl? Are you telling me he has some girlfriend I don’t know about?!”

“I’m saying crush, mom. He has a crush.”

Jake stopped eavesdropping and scurried down the street from there.

Crush.

No. It’s not a crush. Boys crushed on girls. Sidney was a boy. Jake was a boy. It wasn’t a crush.

He sat on the bleachers the whole practice, watching Troy, Tris, Sidney, and the other players do practice drills. 

The rink was indoors, and it was cold. The hard metal bleachers were also uncomfortable. But strangely, none of these seemed to matter to Jake. He was having a good time watching Sidney-the team, do their thing as the ice grinds in his ears.

He already looked pretty athletic, but in a hockey uniform? It was making all of Jakes insides squirm, and not in a sickly way. He was smiling the whole time and didn’t take his eyes off the rink.

That was until Sidney suddenly braked on the ice. Jake couldn’t hear everyone’s words, except for the loud coach. He got out of the rink and waddled his skating feet out the door.

“Sidney?” Jake got up. Practice wasn’t over yet. He climbed down and followed him. “Sidney?”

He opened the door to find himself in a hall of sorts. But he was lured by some muffled shouting.

Slowly, Jake approached the door, but didn’t open it. It was something between Sidney and a man.

“Well fuck off out of here if you don’t care!”

“Don’t you speak to me like that young man! We had a deal!”

Stomping was heard approaching the door. Jake backed up before it’s thrown open.

Sidney stomped out in rage, next going towards the exit door down the hall.

Jake didn’t know what happened or who Sidney was yelling at. He could wait.

But instead he chose to go check on Sidney, making his way outside.

The boy was curled up by the ledge of the street, watching the sunset. He had thrown his helmet into the parking lot. 

The door shut on its own behind Jake, making Sidney turn around and see him there.

“Uh… you okay?” Jake asked.

“The hell do you think?” Sidney sneered, turning back around.

Jake approached him, taking a seat next to the curb with him.

“Pardon me asking, but who were you-“

“That was my asshole excuse for a dad.” Sidney said with sarcasm in his tone. “He’s pissed that I decided not to look into Charlton. So he’s taking me off the team next semester.”

“What?! But you love this!”

“It’s not a career. It never will be. I didn’t even slip my grades this time. Stupid!” At that last word, he threw a rock on the ground.

“I’m supposed to be an economist. You know?” His voice was scoffing, but he was a bit calmer. “Have a great big house, have a great big life, make some babies with a wife…” He hugged his knees and took a breath. “But ever since I came out as bi, nobody looked at me the same anymore. They were harsher… I’m never gonna be good enough for this world.”

Jake sat there in a brief silence.

He’s bi…

Putting that aside, something in his heart ached at seeing Sidney upset like this. Mostly because he understood that.

Gently, he decided to put a hand on Sidney’s shoulder, rushes of warmth traveling into him as he did so. “Hey, I get that too… n-not that I’m gay or bi or anything like that but… feeling like you’re never gonna be good enough. My brother would have that said to his face all the time. And I would too sometimes. To be honest I… I still haven’t figured out what I want, I’ve just been trying to be a good student. But you seemed like you did, Sidney. You gush about hockey quite a bit, sometimes I can’t keep up. You have this… enthusiastic look on your face when you play…” He cringed at his own wording. “It’s not fair. Not to you. But what’s there to do?”

Sidney looked at him with a smile. He put his hand on Jake’s, which was still on his shoulder. “You’re actually very sweet, you know that? You sure you’re a guy?”

If Jake’s face wasn’t red before, it was crimson now.

Sidney gently set their locked hands down on the ground, fingers weaving the touch. He had a smile and a tint of this lovely shade of pink. 

He said he was bi. Was he… crushing on Jake? 

Maybe that’s what Shawn meant when he said he had a crush.

“Sidney!” That was his father.

Sidney let go and got up. “I should go… uh, call me.”

He left Jake there, contemplating his thoughts.

He had a crush on Sidney.

Then upon realizing that, he freaked out.

Oh shit.

Jake spent the rest of that night unable to sleep. Then the next couple of days stuck in that lost thought.

Every time Sidney called, or texted, or they talked at school, it sent several odd feelings that wouldn’t go away.

What’s going on? Why do I want to be with Sidney? Why am I having these intrusive thoughts about Sidney? Why do I want him to love me back?

He’s a boy. I’m a boy. I mean he said he was bi, but… no I can’t be gay. I just haven’t found the right girl. That’s all. I can’t be gay…

Even though that did add up.

Mom and dad are gonna be so disappointed in me. No, they’ll disown me. I’ll be on the streets. I won’t be allowed to see grandma again. 

It ate him up until a day where it was grandma picking him up from school. His parents were on a business trip. First thing he did, of course, was swallow his worries and hug her tight. 

Then in the car, she started asking some things. “How was school?”

He was looking out the window, lost in thought. “Fine.”

“Oh. Okay.” She seemed understanding, but then she snapped the next question. “What’s wrong?”

Jake looked up, getting defensive, “Wh-why would you assume there was something wrong?!”

“Back in my day, myself, and your mother gave legitimate and detailed answers on that question.” She snarked with a smirk. “I’m gonna ask more detail this time. What have you been learning in school lately?”

Jake thought about it and answered, “Biology. I don’t know.”

“Oh.” She chimes in interest. “Killed any frogs yet?”

“Grandma?!” Jake exclaimed, flabbergasted.

“Now I gotcha.” Grandma laughed off. “You’re not very good at hiding your feelings. I know you. Something been bothering you.”

Jake sighed and slumped in the car seat.

“Someone bullying you?” Grandma asked.

“No. It’s not that. Unless you count my math teacher.” Jake sneered the last part. That teacher was both strict and gave way too much homework to be healthy.

“Shawn mentioned you’ve made some friends.” Grandma mentioned. “Well, he thinks anyway. Who are they?”

And now they got close to the bullseye. “It’s uh… you know the hockey team at school? Before Troy joined, I took you to a game with those mandatory tickets? It was at the start of the year?”

She thought about it. “Uhhh…”

“The one where I spilled that ice cream on your white jacket?”

“Oh that one!” She got it. “I don’t think your parents met those kids. They’re so good. Which ones are you hanging out with?”

“Sidney.” First name that came to his mind. “And Tris is also with them.”

“And? I would think you’d be happy to make friends. Is something going on with them?”

Jake hesitated. His stomach was a swarm. He didn’t want to lie to his grandma, but if she didn’t understand, no one would. Did he really want to throw away his relationship with his favorite family member like this?

“There’s a prom that’s this weekend, and uh… people have been asking their crushes to go to it. Lots of the other guys in my class have been gushing about their girlfriends. I don’t have one.”

“And? That’s alright, Jake.” She assured him. “You know, when I was your age, I didn’t have a crush or a date to prom either. Nothing to be ashamed of. You can go with your friends.”

He muttered, “Right… friends…” and buried his face in his hands. His face was for sure shedding red.

“What are you… oh…” She put two and two together. They hit a red light, and she turned around to look at him. “Do you like that Tris girl?”

So close.

Jake looked her in the eye. 

“You like Sidney.”

He could feel his hands shake. He felt like he was going to be sick.

“I’m so sorry grandma.” She was probably so ashamed of him. “I didn’t mean to. I didn’t want to, I… I just… I’ve been feeling so weird these past few weeks and-and when I put two and two together on why, I…” He felt a tear fall from his face. “I’m one of those freaks dad talked about.”

“We’ll talk when we get home.” She said sternly. It made Jake shiver. “And quit that crying in my car.”

They stayed in silence the rest of the way home. Jake dreaded what was going to happen. Was she upset? Was she going to tell his parents and kick him out of the family?

Then they parked in the driveway. Grandma got out and demanded, “Get out.”

He got the message and did so…

Then she hugged him tight.

“I don’t understand at all…” She confessed. “But do you see anything in me other than someone who loves you more than her own blueberry strudel?”

He hugged her back, as tight as he could.

Once they parted, Jake hugged his arms over his queasy stomach. “Mom and dad are gonna hate this. So much…”

Grandma didn’t even reject to that. “Well you got someone who doesn’t.”

She asked, “Did you ask this guy out yet?”

Jake shook his head no. 

“Well do you know if-“

“He told me he’s bi.”

“So…?” She didn’t know what that meant.

“It could work.”

“Okay, so ask him. You like him. He might like you back. You don’t know if you don’t try.” 

He could. He could try. 

“Are you gonna tell mom?” He asked in fear.

“That’s your call. Not mine.” She assured him.

Jake didn’t tell his parents. He knew they wouldn’t accept him.

But he knew he had to confront Sidney at some point. So he did have reason to go to prom after all.

But what if he was already seeing someone? What if he didn’t like him at all? What if it ruined their friendship? 

The stress to pop the question showed in his late night calls and texts with him. He didn’t give any silent treatment, but he was very passive and reactionary. Even to a picture of a ‘It’s too cold to change the sign’ sign sent in text, something they would usually get a laugh out of Jake, he simply replied “Okay.”

Sidney was everything, and the more time they spent together, the clearer it was that Jake was in love. He was confident, passionate, and nothing but sweet towards him. Most of Jake’s eyes were on him during hockey practice. The guy was definitely physically gifted and had a naturally hot way of playing the ice sport. Somehow it didn’t melt. And, okay, he was such a cutie. The way he laughed, especially. Jake wanted to hug this guy and rest his head on his chest for hours, with him holding him back.

So how could he confidently ask him out?

It led to a bit of a sickening amount of anxiety. Two days before prom itself, and Jake’s eyes were still on Sidney, trying to fight for confidence to ask him. It led to him barely eating that day and the day prior, and his parents noticed. When they expressed concern, Jake told them he felt sick. Did that allow him to skip school? Of course not. He could have cancer and his parents would still make him go.

“Hungry, blueberry?” Sidney greeted as he sat next to him at lunch. He tossed a plastic bag with a turkey sandwich on the table in front of Jake. “Here, if you want it. Look like you could use the carbs.”

“Oh, uh… not that much, actually.” Jake kindly replied with a laugh.

Mid-chew of his own food, Sidney asked, “You okay? You’ve barely been eating.”

Sidney noticed that? Did that mean he was paying attention to Jake? Could that mean something?

“Sick.” Jake excused. “That exam, man, oh my god…”

“I know! Like, it wasn’t even on what we studied!” Sidney exclaimed.

Jake tried to keep up the conversation, but he quickly zoned out. Ask him. He’ll say no. Ask him. Your friendship will be ruined. Ask him. He’ll never look you in the eye again.

His stomach moaned at him, but he wasn’t feeding it because it was also stirred up with some sort of anxiety disease. 

“Jake, you’re not going on some kind of diet, are you?” Sidney’s question snapped him out of it.

“Yeah… I-I mean no, I’m not.” He smiled it off.

“You’ve been a bit reactionary lately. Was it something I did?” Sidney asked.

“No, it’s…” Jake wanted to ask, but he couldn’t figure out how to do it. “Am I insufferable to you?”

“What?” Sidney didn’t get it.

“What do you think of me? Are you just hanging out with me to be nice? Cause I know Troy?”

“Jake, no.” Sidney used a calming tone to his voice. He put his hand on top of Jake’s in comfort. “You’re so sweet. You’ve taken time to see me for me. Not a lot of people do that, actually. I… I really like being around you.” His face tinted pink at the last part.

It definitely touched Jake’s heart. Maybe that gave him some sort of confidence.

“I don’t have a prom date. I don’t usually go to prom, not even with friends. But screw it, I’m a Junior. There won’t be other chances. You know?” He didn’t know if Sidney got the memo or not. “And I didn’t know if you’d-“

“Sure.” 

Jake looked up. Did he hear that right? “What?”

“Yeah. I’ve love to go with you. I think it’ll be fun.” Sidney smiled.

Jake paused. Did the best possible scenario just happen? 

It felt like every ounce of weight was lifted off his shoulders. His worried expression turned into a smile. A big, red, ugly smile.

That night had Jake squealing in his pillow, kicking his legs on his bed like some girl.

He said yes! He actually said yes!

This means he actually likes Jake. He likes him.

Wait, what if he was just saying that to be nice?

Jake didn’t have the best track record with people, especially not as a kid. He was… well, he was kind of a brat. The other kids knew it and loved pulling pranks to make him angry. The teachers backed up the other kids and told him he was a whiny brat to his face. And, well, everyone says it, so it must be true. He kept his profile low in high school as a result. What if Sidney heard of Jake’s worst traits and stopped loving him? What if he’s revolted by him?

Gosh, crushes were hard.

It wasn’t like Jake could talk to his parents about this either. Then he’d have to tell them he was gay. That would be a disaster.

He could lie if they asked. Sidney was a unisex name. He knew from last year’s yearbook there were some girls at school also named Sidney. Sometimes spelled differently. But you couldn’t tell that from talking. 

They would just never meet Sidney. Yeah, it could work as a half truth.

The prom was in two days, and he had no friends. He did have some formal wear hung up in his closet he could use. He didn’t need to go out and buy more clothes just for prom. Hopefully Sidney was understanding. 

“Boys! Dinner!” Mom called.

Jake sprung up from his bed to get it. Anxiety was a bitch, and now that it was lessened, he was left so hungry.

So when it was revealed to be some homemade Chinese food, the aroma was enough to make his stomach roar. He dug in gleefully. It was enough to make dad scold him for a lack of manners.

“You seem to be feeling better,” Shawn pointed out from Jake’s happiness. “Something happen?”

Jake swallowed his forkful of noodles before answering. “I decided to go to prom this year.”

Dad swallowed his mouthful of food more harshly. “Really? You never go!”

“Well, first time for everything. And I’m not gonna be in school much longer.” That was his excuse.

“Right…” Dad wasn’t too convinced. “Speaking of which, have you thought about your college application? What degree do you want?”

Jake hesitated.

Dad added, “No art. No one goes anywhere in that life.”

“I don’t know…” Jake admitted. Dad had been on his case since eighth grade.

“Times ticking. You better get on that.” Dad warned sternly.

Jake didn’t know what he wanted to do with his life. How many times did he have to say it?

“What made you change your mind?” Mom asked, raising an eyebrow. “If this is so you can get away with drugs, I swear to god young man-“

“Mom, no! There’s no drugs!” Jake defended. “Honest!”

“Is there… someone who convinced you?” Shawn asked. His elbow was on the table and prompting his head. He had a flirty look on his face.

Dad scolded, “No elbows on the table.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Shawn obeyed and rolled his eyes.

“I did not raise either of you to be so impolite!”

“Um…” Jake tried to respond to his brother’s question. “Maybe.”

“Ooh.” Shawn seemed surprised by that. “Okay. He’s in love.”

Mom nearly choked on her drink. “What?!”

“If that wasn’t the case, he would’ve said ‘Noo! Ew! Shawn, what is wrong with you?!’” Shawn mocked Jake’s voice with a whiny tone.

“I do not sound like that!” Jake scolded.

“Well obviously a girl asked you out. Or you did. I don’t know.” Shawn interpreted. “Did she say yes?”

Jake hesitated, face flushed.

Mom pinched her forehead. “Oh god, not again…”

Shawn looked up at her, feeling called out. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Mom ignored him and turned to Jake. She asked, “Who is she?”

Jake took a short breath. This was the part where he had to lie.

“Her name’s Sidney.”

“Sidney?”

“I was in P.E with her last semester. She’s that theater kid who played The Wicked Witch last year.” These weren’t lies. Jake knew this much about that girl. The lie was that they never talked.

“Oh, okay.” Shawn bought it with a smile. “I mean you could’ve done worse, but sure. Happy for you, bro.”

“So you’re going to prom with a theater kid?” Dad seemed disappointed. He groaned, “Kids. Always the worst taste.”

“What’s wrong with being into theater?” Jake asked.

Dad grumbled, “And next you’re gonna tell us you’re gay.”

Jake kept silent. That hurt.

Dad clearly wasn’t having a good day. 

Mom gulped her drink and sighed in relief. “Honestly, yeah. Thank god.”

At least then he knew he couldn’t tell his parents the truth.

Dad slammed his fork on the table and got up. “My own wife too! Can’t even drink a glass of ice tea right!”

He stomped out of the kitchen, shouting “I raised a family of pigs!!”

Mom groaned and rolled her eyes. “Just what the hell is his problem?” She gently put her glass down and stomped after him. 

Some sort of argument could be heard. Though it was muffled. 

This happened a lot. 

Shawn sighed, stirring another forkful of noodles for himself. He told Jake, “If the economy wasn’t shit, I’d get out of this place.”

“Where would you go?” Jake asked.

“To Disney Land. To the streets. I don’t know.” Shawn snarked. Then he said, “Congrats on the girlfriend, man. Hope that goes better than mine did.” He chuckled at his own self depreciation.

Not a high bar considering Shawn’s ex girlfriend was an asshole.

“We’re not… partners, yet. It’s just a prom date.” Jake cleared up. “H-she might not even like me all that much.”

“She said yes, right? Clearly she sees something in you.” Shawn gave his brother a thumbs up. “I think you’ll be fine.”

The night of prom, Shawn helped Jake out with his formal wear. Anxiety was definitely back as he looked at himself in the mirror to fix his gelled hair. Anyone with eyes could pick up on the blue hue. Still, he couldn’t help but question why anyone would be attracted to him. There wasn’t any special feature he had. He kind of hated how he looked like his dad.

“Here,” Shawn motioned Jake to turn around so he could adjust his tie.

“Thanks…” Jake wished he said that with more enthusiasm. 

Once Shawn was done, he patted his brother on the shoulder. “Hey, it’s gonna be great. She’s going to love you.”

Jake gave a nervous smile. He hoped so. 

Shawn took the effort to drive him to school and drop him off. Though they were in silence most of the ride.

Once they arrived, Shawn asked, “When does it end?”

Jake, as he got out of the car, answered, “Eleven.”

Shawn gave a thumbs up. “Have fun.”

He drove out of the line, leaving Jake to walk to the gym by himself. He took a deep breath and walked in the school. On his way there, he looked for Sidney, but couldn’t find him. He wasn’t waiting outside.

Prom was crowded for sure, and the music blaring over everyone talking was overstimulating. But he pressed on, looking around for his date.

He found Sidney at the punch bowl talking to some other guys, dressed shiny and all. 

“Sidney?” Jake announced his presence.

Sidney turned around in surprise, then smiled. “Oh Jake! There you are! You look, uh… you look fine.”

Jake blushed at the compliment.

Then the other boys snickered, removing both their smiles.

“Dude,” One of them spoke through their laughter. “Don’t tell me that’s your date!”

“Sidney being infected by the gays?”

“I’m not gonna get your germs by talking to you, am I?”

Sidney cringed. Jake frowned. Sidney saw his dates expression and spoke up. “You know what?”

He threw his punch at the guy with the white tux. The liquid splashed all over him and stained his outfit, making him scream. The other guys reacted in shock.

Sidney took Jake’s hand to take him away. On their way, he turned around and gave the guys the finger.

“You didn’t have to do that.” Jake told him. “I don’t know why you chose to date me in the first place-“

“Hush.” Sidney stopped them in their tracks and raised their locked hands. He put another hand around Jake’s waist. “Let’s have a good time.”

Sidney guided Jake on the side of the gym to slow dance. It didn’t take long for Jake to forget the previous encounter and be lost in a trance. The colors of the lights changing only helped endorse him being mesmerized by the happy face of his date. Without distraction, he could allow himself to feel what he was feeling. It felt like that dance at the ball from Cinderella.

So this is love…

From there, the prom was a fantasy. With the exception of a couple of nasty glances, it was a wonderful time. 

They took a break from dancing to grab some of the buffet. It was there that they got to have pleasant chats with Troy and Tris. Tris came alone, and Troy had a date, but there wasn’t anything serious going on. Jake tried some of the chili, but ended up spitting it out from its spiciness. Sidney got a good laugh. 

The music went from slow to energetic, the DJ announcing such, and both of them joined in on going crazy. Jake was not going to describe what he did, it was… it was embarrassing.

Prom was fun, but it was exhausting. By the time of their last dance for the night, Jake was tuckered out. He was still dancing, but his eyes were closed and his head was firmly rested on Sidney’s chest.

When they were both tuckered out from dancing, they sat out in the hallway, Jake’s head resting on Sidney’s shoulder.

“Had a good time?” Sidney asked, nudging Jake a little to get him to sit up.

With a gentle sleepy smile, Jake answered, “Yeah.”

Sidney looked nervous about something. Jake asked, “You?”

Sidney didn’t answer.

“If it’s about those guys, then…”

“Don’t worry about it.” Sidney brushed off. “They’re assholes.”

“Still, you didn’t have to risk that.” Jake replied. “You could’ve asked a girl out.”

“I didn’t want to.” Sidney said, looking Jake in the eye with a smile. “That’s all there is to it.”

“You wanted me.” Jake pointed at himself in confusion.

That’s when Sidney leaned in, putting his hand on Jake’s cheek to lure him in for a deep kiss on the lips.

Jake spent a few seconds in shock. Sidney was kissing him. His first kiss.

Jake kissed back, sinking in as deep as he could.

They had to part for air. A second later, both of them started laughing. 

“I-I didn’t expect you to kiss back…” Sidney laughed nervously.

Jake asked with a smile, “We telling the class about this or…?”

“Nope!” Sidney cheered.

“And that’s how we became official.” Jake explains. “It was… it was the best.”

“So what about your parents?” Miriam asked.

“They didn’t know. We decided to keep our relationship a secret from the adults in our lives. The only adult that knew was my grandma, of course. And he was perfect. For years, it was perfect…”

For high school at least, it was perfect.

The only ones that knew were Troy and Jake’s grandma. Other than them, their relationship was their happiest little secret. 

Jake went to all the hockey practices and games Sidney had left, and was a proud cheerleader for him. 

When Sidney was taken out of his team by his dad, he was deeply upset, but Jake was there to console him and help him feel better. He took Sidney to a community ice rink date to help him feel better, even if he was a bad skater. 

He put in the effort to help Sidney with his economic studies, staying late at school to study together. Sometimes Sidney got frustrated, but Jake would always successfully calm him down. And when they were alone in that library, it escalated to them making out behind the bookshelf.

It took quite a bit of effort to not touch the other in public. To keep their relationship secret and all that. So when they could, both were quite touch starved. One time Sidney got Jake to skip a class and hide behind the school stairs to make out. But they didn’t have any sort of sex. Jake could put his hands under Sidney’s shirt, and Sidney could to the same, but they would stop each other if it came to taking that off, or any clothing. Sidney wasn’t ready for that step yet. As in love as they were, they weren’t stupid. 

At least they could enjoy it in the romance books Jake got his hands on, which he felt comfortable to share and geek about with Sidney. As well as showing him some of his embarrassing sketches. Though Sidney was honest in saying he was a bad artist.

Jake remembered when he first took Sidney out for Chinese food. Sidney had never tried it and liked it, so Jake wanted to see what flavors worked for him. And… they ordered so much more takeout than they should’ve. They forced each other to finish it, because otherwise they’d have to explain the date. The two of them got so bloated they couldn’t get up from their bench to go home. They both stayed till midnight packed to the brim and too sleepy to focus on anything but each other’s arms. They both got in huge trouble with their families.

Speaking of so, Jake’s parents were still deeply condescending towards him. Even one correct answer away from an A would make them furious with Jake. It made him want to cry. Sometimes he did. 

Thankfully Sidney was a phone call away. And he always took the vents like a champ. To him, Jake was plenty smart and charming. That’s what he said, anyway.

Over these years, Jake silently grew to hate his family. He didn’t know if it was teenager hormones or what, but something about mom and dads nonstop arguing and their condescending comments about him and his brother not being ‘the best men they could be right now’ fueled some emotions in Jake. Though he didn’t burst it at them, because that’d make it worse. Instead he vented to Sidney and his grandma, because he trusted them.

Suppose he never really counted how many vents there were.

Still, their fun times truly were fun times, and they enjoyed the days most with each other. 

They didn’t have that many problems until they graduated high school.

The graduation itself was as magical as people made it sound. Jake’s favorite thing was probably throwing the hats. He still had the photos he took with his friends. And one private selfie he and Sidney did with Jake kissing Sidney on the cheek. But he none with his family. It was because dad was still upset he had not gotten around to figuring out what college major he wanted. 

He aced all his classes with honors, but apparently that wasn’t enough. Why weren’t they happy for him?

Now it was figuring that out. Shawn was a ‘failure’ because he was still a cashier at TJ-Max, so the pressure was on for Jake. Go to a great college, and study for a major that would get him a high paying job. No art. Get a great big house and live a great big life with a wonderful loving wife. 

Though, to avoid confrontation and revealing his secret, Jake had lied and told them he and that Sidney ‘girl’ broke up.

Still, part of Jake felt like he was already a broken person and already failed. After all, he was seeing another guy. But he couldn’t deny his unconditional love for said guy. If he couldn’t make his family proud, then the next thing would be to support his lover best way he could.

That came into play one day when they were on a date to the park. Sidney came angry.

Jake stood up from the bench with a smile, opening his arms for a hug. “Hey love! How are-“

“Not right now Jake.” Sidney huffed, pushed his arms away, and sat on the bench. 

“What’s wrong?” Jake asked.

“Fight with my dad,” he groaned. “He signed me up for Charlton. No is not an answer.”

He kicked some grass, sneering, “My own fucking future!”

Jake didn’t know how to make him feel better, but he had to try.

“Well… is there anything we can do about it?”

“The moneys already spent. I’ll be broke and on the streets if I don’t go.” Sidney said. 

So he had to go.

“I just wish my dad could see me for me. Ya know?” Sidney sighed. “But I’m a bad person.”

“No you’re not.” Jake told him, as sincere as he could. “You’re a passionate hockey fan and player, you like pop music, and you have me. That doesn’t make you a bad person.”

Sidney said nothing.

“…okay, well, you’re not alone. You know this already, but I deal with crap from my family all the time. And I’m still keeping most of my stuff a secret from them. If they knew then-“

“Just stop.” Sidney snapped. “This isn’t about you. This is about me.”

“Right.” Jake stopped himself.

They spent the rest of that date in quite the depressing silence. Jake really wanted to support Sidney, but he didn’t know how. 

Then the thought crossed his mind and got a hold on him.

“It’s economics, right?” Jake asked for clarification. “What if… I went to Charlton with you. So you’re not alone.”

He thought that would cheer Sidney up. Instead, Sidney gave an unamused face. A second later he gave a smile, but it was obviously fake.

“I don’t have a plan. This can be one. I really don’t mind.” Jake assured him, reaching to hold his hand. “I love you, Sidney. I want you to have something you love, too.”

Sidney accepts to hold hands and finally gives a smile. “I guess it wouldn’t be that bad.”

That worked. Sure, Sidney had his off days, but so did Jake. He was there to help him.

“Charlton, huh?” Dad and Jake were at the kitchen table going over some application forms. 

“You don’t like it?” Jake was confused by his dad’s tone.

“Oh no, it’s great! And economics is a great major! I was just wondering what changed your mind.”

“There’s… some friends that are going.” Jake answered. Troy and Tris were also going to Charlton, just not economics. “And I thought it would help me in the process as well to, you know, figure out what I want to do.” He grinned to sell his point.

Dad hesitated, unsure how to respond. “…well I’m just glad you got your head out of your ass.”

He signed some stuff on the paperwork. As he did so, he told Jake, “I hope you understand this though. Friendships don’t last. They will leave your life.”

Jake said nothing about that.

So Jake and his friends transferred to Charlton together. Jake and Sidney asked to be roomed together, of course.

Needless to say, it was exciting for Jake. Especially since it was away from his family. Living away from home like a proper adult.

The worst part though, was probably unpacking. They had more than they probably needed. In Jake’s case, he wasn’t very muscular, so Sidney had to help him with a couple of boxes. One time he outright tripped, and Sidney caught him in his arms. Jake flushed red.

By the time they were done, it was one in the morning. They had two days before classes and they were planning to celebrate with the others tomorrow. Jake was sore, and his eyes were heavy, yet he still felt the adrenaline of excitement.

“Finally!” Sidney huffed as he threw the last shirt in his drawer. His head turned to Jake, and he tiredly laughed. “I’m happy with it though. You know I’m glad you decided to come with me.”

Jake’s eyes lit up. “Really?”

“Yeah.” Sidney smiled. “Would’ve been hell otherwise. But at least I have someone to share it with.”

Then he smirked.

Jake didn’t get the message and crossed his arms, admitting, “You know, I’m not sure I’m going to be sleeping much. Is that weird?”

“What’s weird is that shirt you chose to wear today.” Sidney stated. 

“Wh-“ He was wearing a melon pink hoodie with a black skull on the front. “I just bought this two weeks before the transfer. You don’t like it?”

“No.” Sidney said, approaching him. “Get it off.”

“Sid-“ Jake would’ve backed up, but his back hit the wall.

One of Sidney’s hands went in the wall next to Jake’s head. The other one of the bottom hem of Jake’s hoodie. 

“Need me to help you?” Sidney asked, head close to his face, hand tugging on the clothing.

“No I know how to-“

Jake was shut up by Sidney grabbing his face for a long passage kiss, quickly given full permission to explore his mouth. 

They had to part for air, and their breaths were hot and heavy. Jake’s face was crimson, finally getting what his boyfriend was asking.

“You sure?” He asked, wanting to make sure the full consent was there first.

“You want it.” Sidney teased with a mischievous grin.

Jake breathed heavily, trying to process things by scanning his lovers body, still with clothes on. Then Sidney teased him further by pressing a kiss on the cheek and a hand going towards the ass. 

“Yes!” He spat out. He felt himself going hard and he couldn’t handle it. “Please…”

Sidney swiftly swung Jake around and threw him onto one of the beds. Before Jake could react, Sidney was on top of him, kissing his neck and pulling up his shirt-

“OKAY!” Miriam stops him right there. “I don’t think I need to hear that, dearie.”

Jake, embarrassingly, chuckles at himself. He scratches his neck and explains, “Yeah, well, all you need to know is I really enjoyed my first time. Part of me is sad now that it was with Sidney, but back then, it was… it was like a reward. I had something desirable I could give, you know?”

Jake woke up the next morning not wanting to wake up. Everything was more sore than it had ever been in his life. Sidney’s body, covered with only the blankets, was on top of Jake’s and sleeping like he was knocked out. The weight putting pressure on his soreness helped a bit. Maybe they went a bit overboard last night with how many rounds they did in the night…

Jake stayed there for a couple more minutes, nuzzling his face against the side of Sidney’s neck. They fell asleep with locked hands, and Jake tightened his fingers on the grip. 

Despite the pain, Jake felt an overwhelming sense of happiness and belonging. Someone wanted him. Every part of him. Sidney wanted him. It was a feeling of being loved that he felt so starved off. 

“I love you…” Jake whispered in a hot breath. “I wanna be yours… I’m yours…”

“Mmh…” Sidney fidgeted. He was waking up. He leaned his head over to kiss Jake on the neck, at a weak spot that made everything in Jake go giddy. It made it a lot more so when Jake felt his tongue instead of his lips. He didn’t know how much redder his face could get before his nose started bleeding. “Damn right you’re mine…”

The pain in his body made him wince, but in a happy way. Sidney stopped and got on his hands and knees to face Jake’s view. He had a delightful smile on his face. “Adulthood, baby!”

Jake laughed at that. He raised a hand to cup Sidney’s cheek. He expressed, “You’re so wonderful…”

“Oh look at you.” Sidney teased, his hands going to tickle behind both of Jake’s ears. He was definitely testing to see how red and horny his face could read. “I didn’t know you were such a whore.”

All Jake could do was laugh with closed teeth.

Sidney let go and reached for his phone. “What time is it…? Oh fuck!”

He sat up and climbed out of bed, scrambling for some clothes to put on. “I didn’t think we’d be out to miss the breakfast hours! I gotta call Tris now.”

“Eh, we don’t have classes today.” Jake got on an elbow and rubbed his eye. “We can just stay and enjoy ourselves, I’m sure they’ll understand.”

Sidney rolled his eyes with a smile. “You’re such a tease.”

Sitting up made some of Jake’s body wake up, and he both felt and heard his stomach growl.

“And hungry apparently.” Sidney added.

“We missed dinner packing up.” Jake defended. “We were both running on empty… well, if you don’t count the dinner we got.”

As Jake struggled to climb out of bed with his weakness, Sidney looked into his phone. He told him, “I think there’s an IHop in town if you want pancakes. You look like you need it anyway.”

“Uh huh,” Was all Jake could get out. Getting out of bed suddenly became a chore. His legs were caught in the blankets grasp, but he was too sore and weak to react to such. 

“Good! So take a shower, get dressed, and I’ll call-“

Jake fell out of bed, hitting his head on the hard floor. Sidney gasped, covering his mouth to hide a laugh. He was failing. “Are you okay?!”

“Ow…” Jake was also laughing. “Help…”

The day before the first day of classes proceeded to be a blast of a get together with his friends, which ended on Troy getting hungover from a spiked drink prank from Tris. 

Classes, however? They were… boring.

Maybe it was because Jake wasn’t into the subject, but he could not get a good grasp on it. Didn’t help that the classes were only lectures, and they were expected to understand all of it right away. So Jake would be up very late most nights studying stuff he couldn’t grasp on, and would fall asleep on the desk. The days he didn’t have to, he would spend with Sidney on dates, but they’d be, for the most part, quiet, because they were tired. Sidney wasn’t fairing any better, and often threw books at the dorm walls in anger and stress. Jake tried to be there to comfort and support him, and half of the time he would allow a kiss and a hug, but other times he pushed Jake away, not in the mood.

In the rare instance they could have sex in their dorm, it became their only escapism. Especially for Jake, who just wanted to see Sidney have some joy on his face for once. That was the first part, the second was how good it made himself feel. Even if there wasn’t sex involved, he enjoyed being there sleeping soundly in Sidney’s arms at night. Except for when he was upset, then they didn’t.

And Jake, well, he had his moments. The first economics exam they had, Jake failed. By one question. He was in serious trouble because of it. Obviously he was livid, as he studied for that for a week, didn’t understand it, got no help, and then the test had next to nothing on the notes given to them. He didn’t know if his parents had any idea, but if they did, they would be furious.

He threw that anger out in the common room and vented to Sidney all his frustrations. No, he didn’t ask if it was okay first.

“I worked so hard, Sidney! So hard! And it still wasn’t enough! What am I just not good enough?! Was school a joke?!” Jake paced around and spilled his anger while Sidney was on the couch reading a book. Jake didn’t process his irritated face that well. “I’m not good enough, am I? Is that it? Is that what I’m missing here?”

“I dunno Jake, get a tutor.” Sidney told him. He didn’t seem to care.

“I tried, Sidney! They said ‘oh meet me on Saturday, that’s my earliest availability!’ Okay! Sure! That’s after my test!!”

Jake crashed on the couch next to Sidney, grabbing a nearby pillow to scream in it.

Once he got his face out of the pillow, his eyes revealed some tears that got pried out. He hugged the pillow and turned to Sidney’s irritated face. 

“Can you hold me?” Jake asked in a whimper. 

“I’m trying to read a book.”

“Please.” He couldn’t see his own face, but he cringes at his own memory of how much of a whiny baby he probably looked there. 

Sidney rolled his eyes and scooted over to put an arm around Jake. Jake snuggled up against Sidney’s chest, embracing the physical contact to rely on it for comfort. 

“What’re you reading?” Jake asked, trying to change the subject and calm down. 

“Les Mis.” Sidney answered. “I was getting to a really good part. But oh well.”

Sidney patted Jake’s hair and planted a kiss on his forehead. “You know, you’ve been quite the baby lately. You okay?”

“Just cracked under pressure I guess.” Jake sighed. “I’m sorry.”

“Well, don’t. My dad could never see you like this. You know that.”

“Your dad doesn’t even know about us.” Jake defended. “Who cares what he thinks?”

“He’s on my case.” Sidney groaned. 

“Sidney,” Jake put a hand on his. “I came here for you, love. I may have my moments but I’ll always get over it. You’re the one that’s gonna get the success story here.”

Sidney smiled a bit at the honesty. “You definitely have your moments for sure. Thanks though.”

“I’ll behave. I’ll control myself. I promise.” Jake claimed.

He heard Sidney breathe, “Oh thank god…”

But he didn’t think much of it at the time.

“You open for tonight?” Jake asked, hugging his lover further. “It’s okay if-“

“Nah I’m open.” Sidney sighed. “Fine.”

Jake gave a big smile.

“I’ll behave. I’ll control myself. I promise.”

Jake almost immediately broke that promise. 

For the next couple of months, he did nothing to improve himself or second guess his actions. Nothing malicious, of course, and he never hurt anyone, but he still got upset. At first it was just the work being stressful. Normal stuff. It hurt to stay up late hours only for it to not be good enough. Then people got quite irritating to him. He couldn’t describe it. Do this. Do that. What to do with your life. What not to do with your life…

Sidney understood. He was going through the same things. And he was his boyfriend. So of course Jake would go to him to vent. He didn’t mind, right? Besides, Jake felt better with Sidney’s love and cuddles. Hopefully it did the same for him too.

Unfortunately all that also resulted in them not having much time to do outings with Tris and Troy. At least on Jake’s end. It didn’t cross his mind too much though.

He didn’t start to pick up on some of the consequences of his actions until six months in.

Jake slammed the door behind him after some stressful tutoring. Sidney was sitting in the desk in their dorm, on his computer.

“Hey.” Jake greeted. 

“Huh? Oh hey.” Sidney turned around and greeted back.

“I have a paper. Can I borrow your computer? Just real quick.”

“Uh… why?” Sidney seemed confused. “Why can’t you just go to the library?”

“Club meeting. Place is closed.”

“‘Kay. Just give me a sec…” He spent a minute closing some windows of… whatever he was doing. 

“There you go. I’ll just go for a walk while I’m waiting.” Sidney got up from the desk to head out. Before he goes, he asks, “Do you need help with anything?”

“Nah I got it.” Jake assured.

Sidney left. Jake proceeded to put in the USB in his hand to get to work on his paper.

Everything was going as smooth as it could. About a half hour in, he felt like he was on a roll. 

Then some weird pop up came up on the screen.

Tris :  You feeling any better today?

Jake paused after recognizing the name. 

Sidney had been DM’ing Tris lately?

He never said any of that to Jake. Not that he needed to. They’ve been friends longer than he and Jake had been boyfriends. 

Sidney wasn’t feeling well? What was going on? What was Tris checking on him for?

He shouldn’t…

But his curiosity took over. He clicked on the pop up to scroll through Sidney’s DMs with Tris. He had to know what was bothering Sidney.

What proceeded was him finding some things that still hurt to this day.

Sidney :  Can I confide with you? I know you’re studying, but I know you can multi-task.

Tris :  What’s up?

Sidney :  It’s my dad. He knows.

Tris :  Well shit.

Sidney :  He’s happy for us.

Tris :  Are you?

Tris :  I’m asking just in case cause if you’re not, then I should know.

Sidney :  Honestly? No.

Sidney :  I can’t go two seconds without Jake being insufferable! Every time I see him, it’s always about him. Nevermind what I’m going through. Moment he enters the room, BAM! It’s all about him and his sensitive feelings.

Sidney :  Like, “Oh I’m stressed with schoolwork boo hoo”. Yeah aren’t we all? Grow up and shut the fuck up!

Sidney :  Which is what I would say if I wasn’t his boyfriend.

Tris :  Do you enjoy that relationship?

Sidney :  What do you think?

Tris :  No.

Sidney :  I was in love, but then I got to know him. And underneath that charming face and sweet voice is a whiny prick who only cares about himself.

Sidney :  He’s only hurt me. He says he’s kind and he wants to be there, but it’s only ever hurt me. And now my own mother won’t talk to me anymore. 

Sidney :  Then he asked to join me in college and I silently thought “Why do the gods torture me so much?”

Sidney :  Then we’re moving in together, we’re getting things sorted out, and you know what he does? He comes BEGGING to fuck me. He wasn’t taking no for an answer either. 

Sidney :  But hey, I’m the good boyfriend. I go along with it cause I’m supposed to make that whiny bitch feel good and think he’s a good guy.

Tris :  Do you want anyone involved in that? Are you violated?

Sidney :  Nah. Not worth it.

Sidney :  I never imagined I would’ve ever found myself in such a toxic relationship. But here we are. I don’t know what to do Tris. I can’t stand him.

Sidney :  Thank you for listening though. You’ve been so much more of a help to me today than Jake has been in his entire life.

Jake stopped it there. 

This… this was a joke, right?

Sidney wouldn’t say this. He wouldn’t be saying this stuff behind his back. Surely.

This isn’t how he thinks of him. Right? Surely not.

So if he didn’t mean it, why did it sting his heart so bad?

Sidney thought Jake was horrible. He didn’t like being around him.

What did he do? He came to this college for him. So he wouldn’t be alone. Sure he didn’t like the course, but he never said he would leave. 

If Sidney did not want sex, then he should’ve said he didn’t want to. Jake would’ve accepted that answer and backed off. He thought he wanted to. Sidney should know that he would’ve respected him like that.

Jake saved his paper and turned the computer off. He collapsed in his bed and threw the covers over himself. He could pretend to be asleep when Sidney came back. 

Instead he proceeded to cry in his pillow.

Sidney came back a bit later. “Hey I’m back. You got what you needed?”

No answer.

“Jake?”

He tried to pretend he was asleep.

“I know you’re awake.”

Damn.

Jake turned around, revealing his red tear stained face. 

What? Was Sidney going to yell at him for being a crybaby now? Apparently that was what he thought of him.

“What’s wrong?” Sidney asked.

“Paper stress.” Jake lied. He couldn’t bring it in himself to tell Sidney he went through his private stuff behind his back. “You had a nice walk?”

“Yeah. Tris showed me some of the gardens.” Sidney said, sitting in the edge of the bed to take his shoes off.

With Tris…

Jake’s heart suddenly ached and let out some stinging pain. He hunched over.

“You okay?” Sidney asked in concern. “Are you sick?”

Jake tried to keep it together before he started crying again. “Do you… do you hate me?”

“Hate you?” Sidney looked confused.

Jake claimed, “It was just… a thought. From you and Tris getting along like that.”

That was a lie. He didn’t care. Sidney had friends. So what?

Sidney scooted over and offered his arms. Jake, hesitantly, put himself into them, so Sidney could have Jake on his lap with his head resting on Sidney’s stomach. 

“Of course I don’t.” Sidney assured him, playing with Jake’s hair. “I was angry. And I sometimes do things I regret.”

He was angry… so he didn’t actually mean it.

“As much as I don’t like my family, they were right about some stuff. About how the world works. About what was best for me. The truth hurts, and that can lead to me getting frustrated. But not at you.”

‘Not at you’… those DMs said otherwise. 

But at the time, Jake wanted to believe it. He savored Sidney’s touch and let himself be soothed.

He was loved. He was loved.

Jake ignored Tris whenever he saw her. He couldn’t confront her about things. ‘You snooped in Sidney’s privacy? What an awful person!’

What did he have to be in such a mood about? Sidney was just angry. That’s all. He didn’t mean any of it.

That’s what he’d been telling himself the next couple weeks. Sidney was just angry. He didn’t mean any of it. He loved you. 

Still, the bad mouthing didn’t entirely stop. One time Sidney was on a phone call with Tris, and Jake stayed out of the dorm to eavesdrop. 

“And then he was crying. Over, what, a thought? Pathetic.”

“At least I’m trying to be a man and get this shit out of my head. Jake puts in no effort and it’s infuriating sometimes. I can’t coddle him forever.”

“You know I’m not brave enough to do that.”

“Uh huh.”

“Yeah, no, I believe it. He’s a jerk like that. Shouldn’t be taking it out on you though.”

Jake backed up and decided to take a walk. 

Sidney was angry. He didn’t mean any of it.  

On top of that, he seemed to have been confiding with Tris a lot. Usually it was Jake he confided with. 

Why? Did he not trust Jake anymore? What did he do?

It got a bit obvious when their friend group was hanging out.

They all got time off and headed out to an arcade together. For the most part it was fun. What stood out in Jake’s memory was Tris and Sidney laughing together a lot. They were all doing a shooting game. It was two players, so they each took turns. Tris and Sidney got a top score on a leaderboard, and they both cheered happily. They shared a high five.

Jake saw it and thought, how nice that they’re friends.

They went for pizza down the street afterwards. But in the process, Sidney accidentally tripped and spilled his soda on Tris’ jacket. He was apologizing all over despite her insistence that she was fine. He offered to help her clean up, so they disappeared for a bit.

Troy laughed mid-chew of his pizza slice. “They’re great together.”

Jake turned his head to Troy in confusion. “What? Well yeah they’re friends, but they have been, so what’s new?”

Troy swallowed his pizza harshly. “Things change I guess. I get it’s hard for you though. I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Jake asked. He had no idea what Troy was talking about.

“For the breakup.”

Breakup?

What was he talking about?!

Troy went on and said, “At least you still get to hang out with us just fine, right? And you’re still friends.”

“Wait wait wait wait, breakup? What are you talking about?!”

“You-“ Troy was going to explain, but then his eyes widened. He realized something. “You didn’t… holy shit…”

“We didn’t break up, Troy! I don’t know where you’re getting that from!” Jake was getting upset.

“Okay, chill, first off…” Troy was struggling to explain it. He grabbed Jake’s wrist. “Let’s go outside. You should know the truth.”

Once they were outside the place, Jake repeated himself. “Troy, Sidney and I didn’t break up.”

Troy, taking a huff, prepared himself. “Okay, so, I don’t remember which day it was, it was maybe a week or two ago something like that, but Sidney told me that you two had broken up because he couldn’t stand you.”

“He was angry.” Jake shook his head. “Whatever he told you, he was angry. That’s it. We didn’t break up.”

“Yeah, well… uh… how do I put this…?” Troy played with his hands. It was clear he was nervous. “You know he and Tris getting along? Well, the other day, I was out walking to the store to buy a charging cable, mine broke, and I crossed by the courtyard… and I saw them together.”

Jake felt his head spin as Troy continued.

“Their hands were locked. I couldn’t make out their words completely but I heard Sidney say that he ‘treasured her’. They were looking into each other’s eyes in a way friends just don’t… and they were both smiling.”

Jake’s heart was aching. He felt something boil in him.

“Jake… I didn’t think much of it cause Sidney said you broke up, but… he’s cheating on you, man.”

Jake felt his whole body burn.

Sidney… cheating?

No. He couldn’t be. He wouldn’t. He wouldn’t do that…

With a spinning head, Jake clenched his fists.

“Liar.”

“Jake-“

“How dare you, Troy. The hell do you gain from this?!”

“Nothing!” Troy put his hands up. “Jake, I’m telling you the truth!”

“Oh like how you told the truth about my binder that you stole,” Jake rolled his eyes.

“Why are you still pissed about that?! That was years ago!”

“You just want to hurt me!”

“Ask Sidney yourself then!”

“He’s angry. That’s it.”

“Jake, you are being cheated on!” Troy desperately argued to get through to him. “Sidney is going behind your back and venting to both of us how horrible you are to him.”

“He loves me!” Jake snapped back. “He would never do anything like that! You’re the one that’s scheming to hurt us!”

“Okay, calm down-“

“Don’t tell me to calm down, Troy! Why are you doing this?!”

“Me?!”

“I love Sidney, and I came here for him. You know that. He’s all I have…”

“Well you must have a miserable life, then.”

Jake not only couldn’t believe Troy, but he was furious at what he was proposing. He couldn’t control his rage at the moment. 

“Some friend you are.” Jake scolded and stomped away, no intention ti turn back. “Tell Sidney and his little new girl toy that I barfed and I went home. Oh wait, that’s right, they’re not cheating!”

He left Troy there, no intention to fix their fight.

Jake didn’t believe Troy at all. It still hurt. He spent the next day in class staring off into space.

No. Sidney was not cheating on him. Troy was full of shit. He just wanted to hurt Jake. 

For what reason? He didn’t know.

But he had a plan to try and get to Sidney, to show how devoted he was to his love for him. 

Sidney hadn’t gotten a chance to be himself for awhile, so Jake came up with an idea to get a reservation at an ice rink in their area. A nice date between the two of them to reconnect some old times. It was perfect. They could chill, relax, and clear some air.

Jake finished speaking to the people at that rink on the phone that evening. He was excited as ever, running to their dorm to give the good news.

“Sidney! I got something for you! You’re gonna love it! I…”

He threw the door open.

The world slowed. His smile dropped.

Sidney and Tris. Tris on the wall. Sidney having lipstick stained kiss marks on his face. 

“J-Jake!” Sidney stammered, realizing he had been caught. “How you doing?”

Jake stepped back. “Y…you…”

He could barely speak.

Troy wasn’t lying.

Sidney was cheating on him.

“Jake, this isn’t what it looks like. You have to listen to me, I-“

Jake slapped his hand away and screamed “GET OFF PUNK!!”

He ran away, letting the tears fall and blur his vision.

He didn’t know where he was going, but he didn’t care. It was too much right now. He needed to get away.

He didn’t see that he was in the street, and almost didn’t hear a car horn.

He caught sight just in time to jump out of the way before he got hit, but he crashed on the sidewalk. 

He heard some of the other people scream at watching someone nearly get hit by a car. Some of them ran off. Two of them approached him asking over and over if he was okay.

Jake ignored them. He couldn’t move. Everything hurt. He tried to get up, but his skin stung too bad. He saw one of his hands was bloody, having been cut from the fall.

Someone said they were calling the police. Jake stayed on the ground crying.

Jake didn’t get any charges from the police. They concluded that the situation was, indeed, an accident, and no one got hurt. Well, except for Jake himself of course. His entire arm would be bandaged for a while. Not cast, no slings, just a bandage wrapped around his arm. 

 “‘Kay. You’re free to go.” The policeman told him, opening the door out of his office. “Watch where you’re going next time.”

Jake left the station, intending to walk ‘home’.

To his surprise, Sidney was outside. He looked devastated. Once he saw Jake, he rushed over asking, “Are you okay?! I heard what happened-“

He was going in for a hug. Jake pushed him away.

“I’m hurt because of you.” Jake sneered. He was furious. He was not letting it go. “You caused this!”

Sidney pleaded, “I am so sorry. I didn’t want any of this to happen…”

“Well it did.” Jake snapped. He was not accepting the apology.

He elbowed Sidney and gave him the cold shoulder, walking home alone. “And sleep with your girlfriend! I’ll stay on a park bench in the rain!”

Sidney kept trying. For a week. Every time, Jake not only shot the apologies down, but he kept rubbing it in his face.

Jake could play most of those instances in his head.

“You have to understand, if I didn’t, I would be disowned and I’d have no money! If I don’t have a girl as my spouse, I’d be screwed!”

“Oh so you cheated for society.” Jake snarled. “That changes everything and doesn’t make it look like an excuse.”

“You know damn well we’d get caught.”

“And? So what? What did that matter to you? Even if we didn’t, it wouldn’t change that we loved each other!”

“Jake, I feel awful-“

“I don’t care!”

“Tris and I have something, and-and you-“

“If you fell out of love, why didn’t you just break up with me first?! Was that so hard?!”

“I was going to! I swear I was! I just-the timing was all messed up-“

Jake didn’t hear the rest of that out.

And boy did Jake not get over it. He would vent to anybody, anybody, about what was going on and that Sidney cheated on him, along with whatever other stress he was going through. 

And next to no one cared.

“Listen buddy, I don’t even know you.”

“Sounds like a you problem.”

“I’m not a therapist. I don’t know what to tell you.”

“You’re being too dramatic about that.”

“You need to get over it.”

It especially got bad the more apologies Jake shot down. He couldn’t let the cheating go. 

It got to a point where an entire class screamed at him to shut up.

“We heard this story a million times! Get over it already!!”

All Jake did was scream, punch the desk, and step out for air.

On his way out, he heard the teacher mutter, “What a brat.”

It made him feel some tears sting his eyes. 

Tris walked by and found him leaning on the wall in a fit. Hesitantly, she approached him. “Hey Jake… you okay?”

Jake noticed her and looked away, crossing his arms. “Go away.”

“Come on, you need help-“

“Bold of you to assume we’re friends anymore. Get the hell out of here and go make out with Sidney.”

Tris was clearly hurt by that. She told him, “I didn’t know you and Sidney didn’t break up. Okay? Sidney told me you broke up.”

“I don’t care!” Jake snapped. “Even if that was true, you didn’t think I would be hurt?! Sidney was-“

“He’s not your toy!” Tris snapped back, getting fed up. “All you’ve ever done is use him as support to make yourself feel good! That’s all you’ve done to all of us! You think anyone here actually feels bad for you?!”

“Oh sure, it’s the victims fault!” Jake rolled his eyes and walked away.

Or at least, he tried to.

“Hamilton. My office.”

“What do you mean you’re leaving?!”

“What part of expelled don’t you get? I failed the class. They can’t take me anymore!” Jake snapped, shoving his things in his bags.

“You can’t just leave!” Sidney begged. “You’ll never be able to face your parents!”

“That’s what grandmas are for.” Jake rolled his eyes and continued. Sarcastically, he stated, “Look on the bright side though. You won’t have anyone getting in the way of you and Tris making babies anymore!”

“Jake.”

“Don’t bother Sidney.” Jake snarled, finishing zipping up the bag. “You might as well just watch me go out with relief. I know you never loved me.”

“That’s not true-“

“Stop lying!!” Jake turned around screamed in his face.

Sidney, at this point, stopped being shocked. He looked Jake dead in the eye and calm as he could be.

Jake took a deep breath to calm himself, and he admitted, “You know what the worst part about it is? I still love you. I still want you. I want someone who hurts me.”

Sidney was clearly thinking.

“It doesn’t have to be over like this, you know?” Jake tried to survey, “Just leave Tris behind. Maybe we can still be in contact-“

“No.”

The anger was a calming and calculating one. It got to Jake harder than blind rage could.

“I did love you then, but I am looking back at my past self and wondering wha a fool I was to.” Sidney backed up Jake to the wall, and not in a loving way this time. “Yeah, okay, I surrender. You caught me lying, because those words I said behind your back? I meant all of it.”

It shocked Jake to his core, so much so he felt his body shake and his eyes grow wet.

“You are such a nightmare to deal with, Jake! Every day it’s always ‘Me me me me me! Look at me! I’m going through so much stress! I’m so upset! Life is so unfair! Life is so hard! Sidney please fuck me I want your comfort so I feel better!’ And the amount of times I kept thinking how much I wanted you to shut your whiny trap! You’re not actually suffering, you just want attention. You want people to drop things to look after you. You coming here and disturbing me was the most torturous thing that could’ve happened to me! I’m glad Tris was there to help me and actually care about me for once. Then when that gets outed you just keep crying nonstop! ‘Oh waah waah waah you cheated on me! I’m so hurt! You’re so awful!’ Like a fucking baby would! Thanks for the guilt tripping I guess, it worked for a good bit! I would hope you’d grow the fuck up, but guess not!”

“Sidney…” A tear fell from Jake’s face.

“And you’re still crying! Over what was your fault! Cry me a damn river!” Sidney snapped. “You have no right to be upset at me!”

“I’ll-“

“What? ‘Get better’?!” Sidney had to laugh. “You never will! And I’ve known you for years. You are not and never will be capable of ever being anything better than this piece of shit! Everyone else will see it sooner or later, I guarantee it. And frankly, I’m done caring. I don’t care if you die alone and go to hell.”

“You can’t possibly mean-“

“I do.” Sidney sneered in his face. “Get the fuck out of my room and get the fuck out of my life. Now.”

At that point, Jake was an ocean of tears, which he wanted to beat himself over the head with. 

There was no changing Sidney’s mind. He lost him forever.

So, in a silent state of surrender, Jake pushed Sidney off of him and grabbed his suitcase. He headed for the door. Before he exited, he lingered on the door. “I’ll find love, too. It won’t be from you, though.”

“Keep telling yourself you deserve love, bitch. Everyone will see the same things I do, one way or another.” Sidney commented. “Who wants a shit like you anyway?! Get outta here.”

Jake let out a bawl and slammed the door behind him. 

He would always remember that face of total sincerity. The last time he would see his ex’s face. 

“You moving?” Someone in the common room asked. Then they answered their own question with a response. “Oh thank god.”

Someone others that were eavesdropping joined in.

“You’re leaving? Seriously? My prayers got answered!”

“Yeah, take your own twink ass and fuck it!”

“Get outta here Jake!”

“Bye! Won’t miss you!”

Jake didn’t stop. He continued to walk out the dorm. Ashamed. Guilty. Alone.

“I was expelled for one bad grade too many. I put more of my energy bitching than studying.” Jake explains, his voice hitching from the memory. “And when word got out about it, everyone was happy to see me going.”

“You don’t know that’s how everyone was feeling.” Miriam insists.

“Yes I did. Before I blocked Sidney’s social media, I found he posted a story about me.”

Sidney : Good news, y’all! That bitchy crybaby is finally gone! Thank you all for the support in these times. 

“Finally!”

“That’s awesome!”

“YAY! 🥳”

“So proud of you man!”

“Happy for you and Tris.”

“Thank you! You finally got rid of him! I was very concerned for your life.”

“Cheers to victory!”

“I hated him so much, hearing he’s gone is wonderful news!”

“And you better believe nobody was sad to see me go in person either.” Jake sighs, trying not to get upset again. “In fact, as it turns out, everyone was supporting Sidney. So they were not only happy I was going, but supportive of him cheating. And Troy also counts.”

“Hell no I’m not supporting you. You’re an awful friend and were an awful boyfriend. Sidney was right. Good riddance, man.”

“My parents found out I was expelled, and they were pissed. Dad said something about ‘raising a failure’… I was living on my grandma’s couch for the next year, and I still couldn’t get over it even with a therapist. Then around the middle of that time she got sick, only got worse, and… I was gonna try and get money for her to help. I didn’t have a job, so Disventure Camp was my best bet. You know the rest.”

Jake curls up and lets his held back tears fly again. He sniffles, “I lost everything…”

Miriam side hugs him and pulls him close so he can cry on her shoulder. Once he pulls himself together enough, he wipes a loose tear and says, “You know, it’s kind of a relief knowing Sidney was right. For a while, I always assumed he was the one who changed for the worst and was pinning the blame on me… now I know he was right. I don’t know where he is now, but I guarantee you he’s living a better life now. I’m living with someone else not figuring anything out.”

Jake took that with a smile of acceptance. 

He’s a bad person. He couldn’t maintain anyone he loved. They all left him, and he deserved it…

Then Miriam takes his hand.

“That’s not true.”

Jake is confused by her sentiment, but she continues.

“Things change, and sometimes they’re not changes we like. We want a life we have in mind, and then we don’t get it. I wanted to have my husband outlive me, but as you can see, that wasn’t in the stars. And some of those changes at the moment feel like the worst, but it’s only the end when we pass. You’re still here. You have a chance to move on from those who hurt you… and when you find it in you to do that, you can acknowledge your trauma and turn into the best version of yourself.”

Jake hugged himself, and from the movement, more of his hair fell over his face. He tried to move it out of the way.

“Wait here,” Miriam gets up and goes to another room to grab something. 

She comes pack with a pack of hair ties. She pulls one out and sits back down. She proceeds to pull back all of Jake’s hair from his face, tying it up in a firm down ponytail. 

“Let it go.” Miriam lifts his chin with her hand. “This is a chance to tie up a new you. One that isn’t burdened by hurt anymore. Keep moving forward, never lose sight of yourself, and approach the world with love.”

She opens her arms to offer him a hug, which he accepts. He sinks into the embrace, letting himself grieve what he needs to.

His relationship may not have worked, but it didn’t mean it had no impact on his life. He could move on to a new chapter now, a chapter where the loss is acknowledged, but said loss impacts him. It’s his choice now on how that will.

He can find his purpose again. Somehow.