Work Text:
the good thing about nail marks was that they eventually faded.
it wasn’t as permanent as other ways someone could harm themselves, but there was still a release thanks to the pain it brought upon.
so van raked his nails down his chest as he shakily heaved, ignoring any blood that may get under his nails in favor of doing something that made him feel any sort of relief from the anguish.
he was completely alone in this; he knew that from the start, and that’s how it always would be.
it didn’t matter how many people knew (as embarrassing as it was), how many people attended that fucking wedding. it didn’t even matter who it was jest was marrying or that it was one-sided— it was the fact that van had these feelings, and they were uncontrollable.
van was used to feeling the pressure build up from inside him. he would push it down and continue on, not wanting to stop to assess what the issue was.
now, though, he couldn’t do that. this feeling was all encompassing.
this feeling was suffocating.
other people may believe they understood it, but van didn’t think they did.
they didn’t feel their throat close up when they read about the plans for that secret marriage.
they didn’t struggle sleeping for months because of how sick the stress of everything made them.
they didn’t feel their heart seizing in their chest merely when the two of them looked at each other.
they didn’t feel the temptation to ban themselves just to have a clear head.
they didn’t want to rip their heart from their chest in an attempt to silence the feeling once and for all.
it wasn’t just some one-note crush; it was love in all of its agonizing glory.
it was an ocean of feelings— any pleasant ones were quickly drowned out from the jealousy pushing their heads under the waves.
and with his exhausted limbs, van wasn’t sure how long he could keep swimming.