Archive of Our Own

‘My head hurts.’

It’s the first thing that registers in Maloi’s mind when she comes to, her eyelids slowly fluttering open as she squints against bright, fluorescent lights. The ceiling overhead is pure white and, through her peripheral vision, she sees that even the walls of the room she’s in are painted in a dull white.

The acrid smell of antiseptic permeates through the air-conditioned air circulating around the room, and Maloi winces in displeasure as she feels a sharp sting against her temples. 

Trying to lift her hand, her brows furrow in confusion when she discovers that even wriggling her fingers already takes tremendous effort. In fact, her entire body feels so weak that all she can do is turn her head slowly from side to side, observing the room she’s currently in.

She’s definitely in the hospital, that much she's sure. And now that her mind’s finally out of the dazed state it’s been in for the past couple of minutes, she finally takes notice of the tubes sticking out of her mouth and the ones stuck to her left hand. Even the lethargy that seeps into her bones finally registers in her addled mind.

Just as she’s trying to remember the events that led her here, the door to her room opens, and a middle-aged woman with sharp, piercing eyes and a warm smile steps in. A nurse in blue scrubs, who looked not a year older than twenty-five, walks in after her.

“Ms. Ricalde. It’s good to see that you’re finally awake,” the doctor greets kindly, walking to stand close to Maloi’s bed.

The doctor takes the pen from the pocket of her lab coat and holds her hand out to the nurse, who hands her a clipboard which most probably contains all of Maloi's current diagnosis. 

“Ah, it’s best for you not to move, Ms. Ricalde,” the doctor says, gently placing a hand on Maloi’s shoulder when the latter tries to sit up.

Confused, Maloi’s brows furrow once more as she looks up at the older woman. The doctor is smiling reassuringly, and it sends a comforting warmth to her troubled mind. 

But there’s a certain look in her eyes, one that’s too sad to be of any comfort to anyone on its receiving end. So the tension Maloi felt comes back as soon as it leaves her body. 

Letting the doctor and nurse check on her vitals first, the room is plunged into silence once more. The only sounds Maloi can hear are the rapid beating of her own heart, and the constant shrill beeping of the machine connected to her body – which alerts the other occupants of the room to said beating.

The doctor removes the tubes stuck in her mouth, and the nurse helps her into a sitting position against the headboard and stacks pillows against her back so that she's comfortable. The nurse then takes the glass of water on the bedside table and helps her take small sips.

Left with nothing else to do, Maloi pins her gaze on the ceiling again as she lets her mind wander. She tries her hardest to remember what happened and how she ended up here in the first place.

Ah.

She remembers now.

She was making dinner in her kitchen because it was the first weekend in a while that she had nothing work-related to do. And Jao and Colet were coming over to celebrate her birthday with her. 

Because everyone else either couldn’t physically make it because of the distance, or already had prior engagements that they couldn’t get out of. 

She was in the midst of setting the table when she suddenly felt dizzy – which had been happening a lot lately, she belatedly realized. And it hadn’t even been a minute after she had to grab onto the table to keep herself upright, when her vision blacked out and her body went limp as she crashed to the floor.

The next thing she knew, she was waking up in this hospital room.

How long had she been out? For how many hours had she been unconscious? Who brought her here? Was it Colet? Or Jao?

Maloi has a lot of questions, but she bites her lips and waits for the perfect opportunity to ask. The doctor and nurse finish their examinations not long after, and the older woman hands the clipboard back to the nurse as she faces Maloi with very sad eyes.

The doctor – Melanie Gomez , Maloi sees from the name embroidered on her scrub – clasps her hands behind her back as she lets out a little sigh.

Dread seizes Maloi’s heart at that reaction, but still, she holds her tongue as she looks up at Dr. Gomez with inquisitive eyes. The latter smiles reassuringly as she reaches for the plastic chair beside the bed and takes a seat.

“Well, Ms. Ricalde–”

“Maloi. Maloi na lang po, doc.”

“Alright then.” 

Another sigh. 

“Well, Maloi. First of all, we want to make sure that there haven’t been any lasting injuries to your head. Except for the bump on your temple, since you hit it pretty hard on the floor.”

Huh. That must’ve explained the sharp pain shooting across that part every once in a while.

“Okay. So, can you please tell me your name? Full name, including your middle name. And your age.”

Although confused, Maloi still answers all the doctor’s questions so she can finally ask her own.

“Mary Loi Yves Ricalde. I just turned thirty-five. Very recently.”

“Good. Now, can you please tell me everything you remember from before you were rushed here?”

“Well . . . Nasa unit ko lang po ako. I was busy preparing dinner, kasi may mga bisita ako na paparating. I was in the midst of setting up the table when I suddenly felt nauseous. And then I just blacked out soon after and the next thing I knew, I was already here.”

“Okay, you’re doing great. Lastly, can you please tell me what date it is today?”

“Uhm, it’s Saturday. 26th of May. Ah, wait. Ilang oras na po ba akong walang malay? Then maybe it’s already Sunday? May 27th?”

There’s silence after Maloi’s answer, as Dr. Gomez merely looks at her with her piercing gaze. Finally, after what felt like forever, the doctor let out another sigh and shook her head.

“May problema po ba?” Maloi couldn’t help but ask.

“You are right that it’s a Sunday today, Maloi. But you’ve actually been in a coma for two weeks. It’s already June 8th.”

The doctor’s answer has Maloi stunned into silence, and her mind is having a hard time processing the words. Two weeks? Seriously?

“Also, when you were brought in here, we couldn't help but notice all the bruises littering your body. You're a little on the underweight side, and it seems that you're actually quite anemic,” Dr. Gomez continues to note, which successfully breaks Maloi from her daze.

Her brows furrow once more. Bruises? Oh. She did notice that there had been a lot of bruises, of different shapes and sizes, appearing on her body like wild mushrooms lately. But she didn’t particularly pay any mind to them, mainly because she tends to be clumsy most of the time so it wasn't particularly out of the ordinary. Or so she thought

And yeah, she did lose a few pounds over the past year. But she just associated it to the stress from her very heavy workload. It's hard to catch up on meals and sleep when deadlines are looming over one's back.

“So, we ran some tests while you were unconscious. Along with the bruises, have you experienced constant nausea and fatigue lately? Have your joints been hurting?”

Maloi doesn’t even have to think twice about this one, as she nods her head almost immediately. Dr. Gomez’s jaw muscles flex as she moves her jaw, and Maloi feels her heart drop to her stomach in anxiousness.

What's with the suspense?

“You should’ve come to the hospital as soon as you felt these symptoms, Ms. Ricalde–Maloi. Can you tell me how long you’ve been enduring them?”

“Um, ilang buwan na din po ata? Maybe over a year? I’m not exactly sure po eh. But I started working on this big project last year, and hindi ko na po masyadong naisip yung symptoms, kasi po akala ko they were all just due to the stress of my work. And I’ve always been clumsy so the bruises weren’t really that surprising, I guess.”

Come to think of it, now that she's being questioned about all these symptoms, she finally realizes that the almost regular nosebleeds she suffers lately are far from being normal too.

"Though they've gotten a little worse lately," she adds as an afterthought.

Dr. Gomez purses her lips in contemplation as she regards Maloi, who turns her gaze towards the ceiling because she can’t hold the older doctor’s gaze.

“Well, your blood test results just came in this morning. And I’m very sorry to say this, Ms. Ricalde, but . . .”

It’s quiet again.

Finally.

Maloi takes a quick glance at the clock mounted on the wall opposite her bed, above the TV where the news is currently playing. It’s currently 9:15 in the evening and her family members have all gone home after spending the whole day with her in the room.

Her sisters insisted on staying, but Maloi really wanted to be alone after the day she just had. So, although reluctantly, the two agreed to leave with the rest of their family with the promise of visiting again the following morning.

Letting out a sigh, Maloi presses the button by the side of her bed to call on a nurse to her room. Not a minute has passed when the door gets pushed open and Nurse Reign – the nurse accompanying Dr. Gomez earlier – strides into the room with a tired smile on her face.

“Hey, Maloi. May kailangan ka ba?” the younger woman asks as she walks to Maloi’s bedside.

“Yeah, uhm. I kinda need help lying down on my back again,” Maloi answers bashfully, feeling utterly embarrassed that she still needs help with a task as simple as lying down.

Reign just smiles in understanding, patting Maloi’s shoulder reassuringly as she helps the latter to lie down comfortably. 

After checking and making sure that all of Maloi’s needs for the rest of the night have been well taken care of, Nurse Reign then leaves with a soft goodbye and a reminder about the tests Maloi will be doing the next day. 

With a sigh, Maloi closes her eyes and rests her forearm over them, replaying everything that's happened the past couple of hours in her head.

She has cancer of the blood, according to Dr. Gomez.

Leukemia, already in its fourth stage. 

Dr. Gomez tried her best to explain things to her earlier, but Maloi's mind had completely blanked out the moment she heard the words 'cancer' and 'fourth stage' left the doctor's lips.

It had been a very hard pill to swallow. Because she was basically told that she was dying, right? And, Dr. Gomez even added that with how fast the cancer cells have spread through her body, even chemotherapy does not guarantee anything for her.

She'd discussed this with her parents and siblings earlier, and although everyone was on the same page about her getting chemotherapy for treatment, Maloi stubbornly refused that option.

What for? I'm still dying anyway.

Those were her exact words earlier, which caused a huge argument to blow up between her and her parents. Her siblings surprisingly kept their mouths shut, but they were all looking at her with agonized gazes. 

Still, she remained steadfast in her decision. 

She's led a very unhealthy lifestyle since she worked for her current company, more so the past year, and she failed to take notice of the symptoms at the early stages of her illness. Even going as far as dismissing them as 'normal' occurrences from time to time.

How utterly stupid, she can’t help but think. But there's also no use crying over spilled milk, so she doesn't dwell much on that thought anymore.

The cancer cells have already spread to her various organs, and she knows it'll only take some time before her body begins to fail her.

Her parents and siblings are probably still hopeful that she'll change her mind about chemo. It's highly unlikely, and she hopes they start accepting the circumstance as it is. She doesn't want to go through the hellish experience of the treatment only to give the people she loves false hope about her situation.

It’ll just break them even more in the end.

She knows it's selfish of her, but she prays that they start preparing themselves for the inevitable. She's not stupid enough to think that it'll help make things easier for her family, but it might lessen the upcoming pain of losing her.

God. That’s so definitive. So final. Her heart aches for all the people she’s going to be leaving behind.

With another sigh, Maloi removes her hands from over her eyes and opens them slowly. The lights had been dimmed, so she didn't have to squint and wait for her vision to adjust this time. 

She stares at the ceiling, her brain a jumbled mess of thoughts constantly raging like a storm. She has yet to tell her friends about her . . . condition. And she knows their reaction is going to be just as bad as her family's.

Her head hurts just at the thought of how hard the next couple of months are going to be. 

Her younger sister said that Jao would be coming over in the morning to visit and check up on her. And that Mikha and Sheena wanted to come too, but they had really important schedules out of the country so they wouldn’t be able to visit in the coming weeks.

Colet and Aiah will be coming over in the afternoon, the duo closing their coffee shop early just to be able to visit her. They would also be picking up their respective girlfriends on the way, as both Stacey and Gwen had full-day schedules. Or so Maloi was told. 

And apparently, her other friends – her seniors back in high school, who had adopted her into their circle during her freshman year – will be coming as well. Jea, Jane, and Kath will be coming over in the evening after work hours, since all of them understandably had very busy schedules. Jea has a gig at a bar nearby, so the three of them planned on meeting there before heading over to visit her.

Maloi can already imagine the impending chaos, since her friends have been nagging at her for so long about taking better care of herself. So she's resigned herself to the thought of having to comfort and reassure eight very upset individuals the whole day tomorrow.

She can only hope that they wouldn't be too loud. Because she currently doesn't have the energy to deal with that too. 

There used to be a time, at one point in her life, when she belonged to the loudmouths in her friend groups. The thought leaves a bittersweet taste in her mouth.

Will she end up telling them the truth?

Honestly speaking, it will probably depend on what her mood will be tomorrow. She thinks about her friends, about all their memories throughout the years, and she feels her heart clench at the thought of leaving them first. 

But she doesn’t really feel like telling them the truth anytime soon. They already have a lot on their plates at the moment, and Maloi doesn’t want to add to her friends’ burdens.

Sheena's currently on an Asian tour with an up-and-coming artist from Korea, as one of the main backup dancers. Mikha is busy filming a new movie. Jane and Kath just expanded their clothing business, on top of the latter's multiple modeling schedules. And Jea has so many gigs in different cities that she’s barely home these days. Jao is a high school Music and Arts teacher, so he’s understandably always busy.

Aiah and Colet just opened their joint coffee shop business, which is fortunately already starting to boom. Stacey and Gwen are busy being famous models and traveling all over the world, doing whatever it is that models do. It’s always so hard to get in touch with them lately. 

Her friends have been way too busy recently, so maybe she can postpone telling them the truth until things start slowing down for everybody.

Besides, it’s not like she’d be dying tomorrow or the next week anyway. She’s been told that the next couple of months are going to be long, torturous, and hellish, so she’s got that to look forward to.

Yeah, right.

Being sick sucks. And being terminally ill, on top of that? Just cow dung all over her head. 

Maloi dreads the coming months, the thought of not being able to control her own body making her mind spiral into a sea of ugly, ugly thoughts. 

This is why she hates being alone at times like this. The silence is deafening, and she's starting to drown in her own regrets. There are still a lot of things that she wants to do, yet with her current condition, she feels like she’s certainly lost her chance. How can life be so unfair and cruel?

But then again, what's stopping her from doing what she wants now? She's still dying anyway, so just might as well go with a little less regrets in life, no?

Maybe she can finally get to cross out things from her bucket list before her body starts to deteriorate more than it currently has. She’d have to quit her job, though. With the amount she’s saved in her bank accounts, she’ll be well off living a year or two without having to worry about work or earning any income.

Maybe she can leave the rest of her savings to her siblings once she passes. Her younger sister mentioned a couple of foundations they visited last time. Maybe it's not bad to try being a good Samaritan at least once in her life, and do some generous donations as well.

It’s kind of funny, and morbid in a way. How she was already planning how she’d spend the last remaining months of her life. Has she really accepted her fate that quickly? Or is she just in too much of a shock that her system refuses to acknowledge the truth that’s already right in front of her?

She expected a total shutdown of all cognitive processes, but she’s surprisingly calm. Dreadful and anxious maybe, and her mind’s running a mile a minute, but the rest of her body still feels as cool as a cucumber. 

Maloi closes her eyes again, her troubled mind succumbing to the physical exhaustion she feels as she slips into a fitful sleep.

“Well, well, well. You look like shit.”

Maloi rolls her eyes at the person stepping foot in her room. The other person's hair is surprisingly dyed a light shade of pink, which makes her eyebrows rise to her hairline. The last time she saw Jao, which was just three weeks prior, his hair was a natural brunette.

Did something happen with him and his boyfriend of the month, or is this just one of his whims again?

Walking straight to the bedside, Jao places the basket of fruits he was holding on top of the mini drawer and takes a seat on the plastic chair beside the bed. He’s smirking teasingly, but Maloi can still glean the worry in his eyes.

“Ass,” Maloi says as she adjusts herself on the bed so that she’s a bit more comfortable.

When she woke up earlier that morning, she felt a tad better when she realized that she finally got some of the strength back in her muscles. And just like the day before, she’s sat on her bed now, leaning against the headboard with soft pillows stacked against her back.

“I love you too,” Jao answers with an exaggerated wink, which makes Maloi roll her eyes playfully. But there’s a fond smile playing on her lips.

“So, kamusta ka na, anteh? You bitch, you scared the shit out of Cols and I that night! Imagine mo yung gulat namin nung nakita ka naming nakalupasay sa sahig?”

“I’m sorry. I think masyado lang talaga akong napagod n'on. And stressed. The doctor said I was – am – anemic too. Maybe that’s why I passed out.”

“Still . . . teh, dalawang linggo ka kayang nacoma! Bruha ka, muntik na iditch ni Shee yung tour tas si Mikhs kamuntikan na din magback out dun sa shinushoot nilang movie. Kung di lang dahil kay na tito at tita at sa mga kapatid mo, I think they would’ve gone through with that, those stubborn little shits.”

Jao’s response has Maloi sighing as she leans her head back against the wall, closing her eyes as she thinks about her two younger friends. How worried they must’ve been. Because they were the worst naggers when it came to her neglecting her own health.

She wants to see them. Her babies.

“I’m sorry,” is all Maloi can say in a soft voice.

Jao purses his lips as he regards Maloi, a lot of questions bouncing around in his head. But he chooses to keep those to himself in fear of agitating his ill friend.

“Pero okay ka naman na ngayon, diba? Ano pa ba mga sinabi sayo nung doctor mo?”

Another sigh from Maloi. And then she opens her eyes but keeps her gaze locked forward. She couldn’t bear to look at Jao right now, lest her resolve breaks and she ends up spilling the whole truth to him.

“I’ll be fine. Medyo nanghihina pa nga lang kasi ilang linggong walang masyadong kilos. But nothing a few days’ worth of rest and some light stretching and exercise couldn’t fix. Sabi din niya, if I’m atleast fifty percent better by next week, pwedeng pwede na daw akong umuwi.”

“Tapos? Loi, lahat kami alam na mahal mo masyado yung trabaho mo kahit pa imbyerna yung workload. But don’t you think you owe it to yourself to take a break every once in a while? I think I speak for everyone else when I say that you should file for an extended leave after you get discharged here. Para na din sa ikabubuti mo te. Magpahinga ka din naman, dios mio.”

“Oh. Actually . . . I’m quitting my job after I’m cleared from here. Gusto kong magtravel, beh. Go to places I’ve always wanted to visit but had no time to do so. Ano sa tingin mo?”

“Really? That’s good! Sinu-sino mga makakasama mo?”

Maloi pauses, as if contemplating her answer, before she shakes her head with a wry smile on her lips.

“Siguro sasama yung mga kapatid ko on a trip or two. Ikaw, pwede mo din naman akong samahan if you want. Pero syempre, if may availability ka lang. Aayain ko din siguro yung iba. But I actually want to mostly travel alone. Do some soul searching and all that jazz, you know.”

At Maloi’s conspiratorial wink, Jao lets out a snort as he reaches towards the basket and plucks out an orange. He then proceeds to peel it and hand Maloi slices one by one.

“I think that’s a good idea. You deserve the break, Loi–”

At that moment, Jao’s phone rings loudly in the room. Sighing, he reaches for the offending device and takes a peek at the screen before sighing again. Swiping at the screen, he places the device back in his pocket and pins Maloi with an apologetic look.

“Work?” Maloi asks with an understanding smile. Jao’s shoulders droop as he nods his head in defeat.

“It’s fine. I’ll be here for at least another week. Pwede ka pa namang bumisita ulit.”

With a kiss on the forehead and the promise of visiting again soon, Jao takes his leave and Maloi is finally able to let out a sigh of relief. Her body sags against the stack of pillows behind her as she closes her eyes and wills the throbbing in her head to go away.

That’s one down. Now she only has seven worried friends to deal with and placate.

This is so gonna be a long day.

Maloi could only groan in exhaustion.

Ugh.

Maloi winces as she leans heavily against the sink, her fingers grasping tightly against the damp, cold marble surface as she spits out the blood in her mouth. She grits her teeth as she sees the red splatter against the pristine white stone, before closing her eyes and taking in deep, steady breaths.

It takes a while, but the nausea she’s feeling finally subsides. And that’s when she decides to open her eyes again, staring at her reflection in the mirror and feeling her heart breaking at the image staring back at her.

Sighing, she turns on the faucet and proceeds to wash her mouth and splash some water on her face. Her eyes are a bit sunken, her cheeks gaunt, and her skin that was once a healthy rosy white now has become a sickly pallor. Even her fingers are starting to become bony thin.

Feeling her joints throb uncomfortably with her every move, she makes quick work of drying her face before walking back into the room she's been renting for the past week. 

She passes by the small kitchenette and the spacious living room, grabbing her fleece blanket on the couch as she heads straight to the bedroom. There, she gently lies down on the bed, curling in on herself as she hugs her blanket tightly.

It's been two months since she was released from the hospital, two months she's spent trying to live the best she could with the remaining time she has. A week after getting discharged, she officially quit her job despite her boss' protests.

Her friends even threw a party to celebrate. The three weeks after that, she spent at home with her family as she slowly packed her bags for her travels.

She actually took some time to sit her family down one by one and talk to them in the most honest way that she could. That was pretty draining. Physically, emotionally, and most especially, mentally. Because they all cried even after just a few words in.

Now, her parents no longer try to convince her to take chemo. Instead, she would hear the quiver in their voice every time they talked over the phone. And it never failed to make her feel like her soul was getting torn every time. Even her siblings couldn't hide the fact that they were all heartbroken every time she talked to them.

She doesn't say anything. Because she knows they're trying their best to accept the situation, and she couldn't wish for anything more.

The past four weeks, she's spent travelling all over Asia ticking the boxes in her bucket list one by one. She's already got on a flying hot air balloon in Pampanga, participated in a whole summer festival back in Japan, and walked on the historical Great Wall in China.

Two weeks ago, she was in Thailand enjoying the local cuisine and the tourist attractions. She even met a beautiful lady with whom she spent the rest of her time there with. And just the week before, she was in Cambodia to visit and see for herself the Angkor Wat. 

She was with her siblings back then, and they spent a whole three days just enjoying local delicacies and visiting places together. They parted ways at the airport once their time in the country was over, with her siblings heading back to the Philippines while she got on a flight headed for South Korea.

She'd spent the past four days here, visiting the historical palaces and trying the various street foods the country had to offer. Her favorite place thus far had been Jeju.

It's a bit sad that Mikha’s still stuck filming her most anticipated movie yet, because the two of them haven't had a chance to meet since her hospitalization. The younger woman did promise that she'd spend time with her as soon as both of them were available and back in the Philippines, though. So Maloi at least has that to look forward to.

Tomorrow after lunch, she's gonna be on another plane ride. But, unlike her previous flights, that one has a European country as the destination.

She's always wanted to visit the Louvre and see the Eiffel Tower in person, so she's headed to France next. She's probably going to stay there for a week or two, maybe more, if she ends up liking the country more than she's expecting.

After that, she headed to Greece to visit Athens and the temple of Apollo in Delphi. Maybe she'll end up visiting more places, but that's something future-her would have to deal with so she doesn't dwell on it much longer.

She also planned on flying to America to visit a state or two, but with the current condition of her body, she's not even sure that she'll be able to last until Greece.

Sighing, Maloi closes her eyes and tries to sleep. The thought of the impending future felt a lot like shackles weighing down her heart.

As expected, Maloi lasted just until after the Greek leg of her travels. A couple of days after arriving in Delphi, she had to head back home to the Philippines because her body was starting to fail her.

Her joints are aching almost constantly and she's tired all the damn time. She didn’t have much of an appetite lately, so she's lost a ton of weight since she left Manila months prior.

She also started suffering frequent nose bleeds, and even coughing up blood a lot more lately. With no other choice but to return, Maloi resignedly began packing her bags and changing her plane ticket's destination from New York to Manila.

Her friends are still none the wiser about her current condition, and she feels like she doesn't have any other choice but to tell them as soon as possible. 

Maybe she can tell them after a week or so of rest. Traveling a lot has taken its toll on her body, so she needs to recuperate first before she tries talking to any of them. The mental and emotional toll that she’s sure would come with those conversations wouldn’t be doing any good to her already physically exhausted mind and body.

With her mind made up, she zips her suitcase close before heading towards the bed to lie down. She’s tired again, so she lets out a sigh as she closes her eyes. 

Two hours. 

It’s the longest time she can spend without having to rest these days, and Maloi can only bite her lips in frustration. Just how is she going to survive the next few months?

“You fucker!”

Maloi’s head turns to the side as Stacey’s hand lands squarely on her cheek, her skin tingling after the blow. She’s standing, but she can already feel her knees starting to give in so she grabs onto the backrest of the couch by her side to keep herself upright.

Stacey’s shoulders are rising and falling rapidly as her chest heaves, her eyes bloodshot as tears flow down her cheeks in succession. She’s glaring at Maloi with a wild look in her eyes, but the latter can’t help but think how beautiful she still looks.

“Stak–”

Maloi’s words are cut off as nausea hits her and her knees buckle, sending her hurtling to the ground. There’s a surprised yelp coming from Stacey, but Maloi couldn’t focus on that because she’s teetering on the edge of unconsciousness.

It takes Herculean effort for her to get over the nausea and grab at the back of the couch again, hauling herself up as she tries to focus on Stacey. It seems that all the anger has left the other woman’s body, as she’s now looking at her with wide-eyed worry.

She tries to smile reassuringly, but Maloi feels the aching of her bones and the familiar light-headedness so her smile ends up looking more like a grimace. She tries to speak again, but the moment she opens her mouth, she feels something wet and warm flowing down her nose.

Groaning in frustration, she slowly makes her way around the couch and takes a seat, reaching for the box of tissues on the coffee table. Stacey remains frozen on her spot, but Maloi has to take care of her bleeding nose first before she can address her friend.

Taking a couple of wads of tissues, she leans back against the backrest, resting her head on top of it so that she’s looking upwards. She then uses the tissues and pinches her nose as she breathes through her mouth.

Closing her eyes, Maloi lets her thoughts wander, the sound of shuffling from behind barely registering in her mind.

It’s been three weeks since she arrived back home, and instead of heading to her parents’ home in the province, she decided to stay in her flat in the city. She spent the first week back just resting, her parents staying over to look after her. 

Her sisters and brother visited as much as they could, even after their parents went back home. The second week, she spent talking to her friends one by one. She first told Aiah and Gwen about her condition, since it was the former of the two who her parents asked to stay with her.

She had no choice but to tell her best friend then. And to save herself the time and effort of having to talk for an extended period of time, she asked Aiah to bring Gwen as well.

The two didn’t take the news well, to put it lightly. Aiah bawled as soon as she saw how frail Maloi had looked. And the moment the latter told them about her illness, the older woman was almost inconsolable.

Gwen, who was also bawling her eyes out by that time, didn’t say anything as she held her girlfriend close. It was emotionally draining, honestly speaking, but Maloi was relieved that she finally didn’t have to hide it from them anymore.

That night, she slept sandwiched in between Aiah and Gwen, the two women holding onto her so tightly as if they were afraid of letting go.

Her conversation with Sheena and Colet went a little bit better, in the way that Colet was a lot more composed than Aiah had been. 

Sheena sobbed uncontrollably as soon as she told them she was dying, so Maloi and Colet had to spend almost an hour just consoling her. Eventually, she must’ve gotten tired from crying, because she fell asleep not long after.

And it was only then, after their other friend had fallen asleep, that Colet let herself fall apart. With a pained sigh, Maloi gathered the other woman in her arms as she let her best friend cry into her shoulder. 

Her conversations with Jea, Jane, and Kath must have been the most painful so far. Because she’s been friends with the three of them the longest, along with Stacey and Mikha.

She invited Jea and Jane for dinner just last weekend, using the excuse of giving them their gifts from her travels just so they’d come over without questions asked. 

As soon as the two of them saw Maloi when she opened the door, Jea dropped the bottle of champagne she was carrying in her hands. Jane let out a loud gasp, her eyes brimming with tears almost immediately as her hands shot up to quickly cover her mouth.

Jane was left in a daze after Maloi told them everything, most probably from the shock. Jea, on the other hand, was clinging onto Maloi so tightly that it was hard to breathe. But the latter didn’t mind as she just hugged her friend back as tight as her weakened body would allow.

That weekend, the girlfriends stayed over and took care of her despite her protests. They barely left her alone, showering her with unadulterated love and care just as they always have. And Maloi found herself almost breaking down when they left Monday morning.

Kath, she talked to the afternoon that same day. Which was about four days ago. 

The older woman had just gotten back from a business conference in Baguio, and Maloi invited her over to her place for some welcome-back drinks. 

There weren’t any tears from Kathryn when she opened the door, but Maloi saw the way her older friend’s jaws clenched the moment she laid eyes on her.

Without any word, Kath walked towards Maloi, hugged her so tight she thought her bones were going to break, and then gently pulled her towards her room. There, she made Maloi lie gently on the bed, before getting in herself after removing her shoes. She spooned Maloi from behind, hugging the younger tightly as if her life depended on it.

As soon as Kath started humming her favorite song, Maloi found herself bursting into tears. It's the first time she's let herself cry after finding out that she has cancer and only has months left to live.

And even though every sob and every inhale felt like her body's being set on fire, Maloi cried for the life that was slowly draining out of her.

"Jane told me," Kath whispered against Maloi's hair as the latter continued to cry, the former tightening her arms against her younger friend when she heard the sharp intake of breath.

"Ate Kath’s here for you, Mal. Palagi."

Jao, surprisingly, was probably the least emotionally draining out of the bunch. 

Because even though Maloi could see in his eyes that he was holding himself back from sobbing, Jao kept talking to her in a light-hearted manner and with a smile on his lips.

It must've been because he was a teacher, that Jao was able to hide his emotions quite well.

Maloi's broken from her thoughts when she feels a feather-like touch against her cheek. Opening her eyes slowly, she turns to see Stacey with the most heartbroken look in her eyes that she's ever seen.

"I'm sorry," Stacey whispers softly, her voice shaking as her lips quivered with each word.

She's staring at Maloi's face, and the latter can only assume that her cheek must've been still a bright shade of red from the slap she received earlier. 

Removing the wad of tissues from her nose, Maloi flashes the younger woman a reassuring smile as she sits up straight. Reaching for Stacey’s hands and holding them in hers, Maloi almost weeps at how bony her fingers are compared to her friend's.

When she looks up, she sees that Stacey is also looking down at their intertwined fingers. And as the latter's tears start spilling again, Maloi brings one of the woman’s hands to her lips and kisses the back of each finger.

"It's alright," Maloi says with a wan smile, her voice sounding a little too breathless for her liking.

"Sobrang tagal ko din kasing tinago to sa inyo, so it's not like your anger is unfounded. I'm very sorry, princess."

Maloi can see Stacey’s lips quiver at her words, so she chuckles a little as she spreads her arms open. The latter rolls her eyes playfully, letting out her own watery chuckle before falling into the older woman’s embrace.

They stay like that for a moment, with Maloi holding Stacey as the latter silently weeps. Up until Maloi gets tired again, where the two of them had to head to her room so she could lie down more comfortably. 

Stacey follows her without a word, and Maloi feels her heart plummeting to her stomach.

She just broke her promise of never hurting her friend again.

"Alam mo . . ."

Stacey lifts her head from its position on Maloi's chest to look at the latter whilst she talks. Maloi smiles and leans a bit forward to rest her forehead against the other woman’s.

They stay like that for a few moments, until Maloi pulls back and rests her head on the pillows again. 

Stacey squirms a bit above her so that her belly and legs are resting on the mattress, whilst she places her hands one on top of the other over Maloi's chest as she rests her chin over them. This had always been her favorite position every time the two of them were together.

She's looking at Maloi intently, as if trying to memorize every detail of the older woman’s face. The latter just lets her, as she closes her eyes and resumes speaking.

"I think – no, I know, that one of my biggest regrets in life was not fighting harder for you. I knew that you liked me back then, because I liked you back just as much. Kaso masyado akong naduwag. People were breaking up and falling out of love left and right back then. Nagpadala ako sa takot ko, kaya when Colet started showing interest in you, I just let it be. To be honest, even though it pains me to admit it, I kind of felt relieved. "

"Maloi . . ."

"Colet’s one of my closest friends. Kahit noon pa man, she has always been a great person and an even greater friend. She was all the things you truly deserved, and more. Kaya kahit sobra pa sa sobra yung sakit, I was happy when you started showing signs of reciprocating her feelings. And I was content with concealing my own feelings in the deepest recesses of my heart.”

Maloi pauses to take a short break. Even speaking for an extended period of time is very taxing for now. How frustrating.

“Anyway, alam kong sobrang selfish, pero please let me say this. Kahit ngayon lang. Baka kasi wala nang ibang pagkakataon, and I just really want you to know before I go. In this lifetime, I've only ever truly fallen in love thrice. And even though you weren't the first, totoong minahal pa din kita. And there's this part of my heart, and my life, that would always belong to you.”

Maloi pauses again, after running out of breath. She opens her eyes to look at her friend, and she feels her heart break at the haunted, broken look in Stacey’s eyes.

Cupping the younger woman’s cheeks, Maloi uses the pads of her thumbs to wipe at Stacey’s tears. Sighing, she leans forward to place a light kiss against the latter's forehead.

“Thank you, for always being a source of light in my life. You really are my star. Continue mo lang yang pagkinang mo ha, kahit na wala na ak–”

"Wag mo ngang sabihin yan!"

"It's the truth, Staks, and I'm sorry but I need to say this. Please continue to be a source of light to others as you've been to me. And live without regrets. Live for me, and for yourself. Live for the both of us, and be happy. With Colet. That's the only thing that I want. For you to be happy."

Gently booping Stacey’s nose with a smile, Maloi closes her eyes again as she begins to slowly drift off to sleep.

“I love you, Staku. Always have. Always will”

"Mikha’s coming back tomorrow."

Looking up from the drink in her hand, Maloi sees Stacey standing a couple of feet away from the couch where she sat. It was Colet’s birthday the day before, so they're all here at hers and Stacey’s place to celebrate.

Maloi just smiles in response, too tired from talking a bit earlier to verbally respond. Stacey must've sensed this because, without a word, she walks over and takes a seat beside Maloi, taking a hold of the latter's hands and gently holding them in her own.

Stacey almost bursts into tears at how bony the older woman’s fingers feel in her hold.

"Buti naman. It's been a long six months," Maloi says slowly, breathlessly, as if just opening her mouth is already very tiring for her.

And it is.

God, she can't even take leisurely walks anymore without feeling like she's going to collapse.

Closing her eyes, Maloi intends to take a quick nap to replenish her energy. But another knee-buckling nausea suddenly hits her and she doubles over on her seat, grabbing at her knees to stop herself from completely falling off the couch.

"Loi?"

She barely registers the way Stacey calls her name in utter fear, as she feels the blood oozing from her nose. She tries to breathe from her mouth, but she gets into a coughing fit that has her spitting out blood too.

Ah . . . That's probably gonna stain. And she feels bad for Colet because the other woman is gonna be having a hard time removing that.

Wait. They're supposed to be celebrating tonight, for Colet, because she's lived another fulfilling year. She's not supposed to taint this happy event with fear and worry for herself.

Unfortunately, no matter how much she tries, she can't stop her body from reacting the way it does. She thinks she feels a hand gently stroking her back, but she can't stop coughing and everything is hazy so she can't be too sure.

Someone kneels in front of her. She thinks so, because there's a silhouette. And she feels hands, warm and sturdy, gently cupping her cheeks. Judging from the cool, minty scent that wafts to her nose, it must be Colet kneeling before her right now.

"Mary Loi," Colet calls.

Maloi tries to answer. She really does. But even before she can utter a single syllable, her consciousness fades as she topples into Colet’s arms.

The next time she comes to, Maloi wakes to the feel of something light tracing absentmindedly across her face. 

Opening her eyes slowly, she has to wait for a while for her vision to adjust and blink out the blurriness. The something that was tracing along her nose pulled back, so she turned her head to the side.

There, she sees Mikha sitting on a stool beside her bed. The younger woman’s eyes are puffy and bloodshot, and even her nose is slightly red. Had she been crying?

Lifting a hand up, the one that's not hooked into an IV, Maloi gingerly cups Mikha’s cheek. The latter leans into her touch, and she finds herself smiling despite the weariness she feels.

"I'm sorry," Maloi says when her arm gets tired and she has to pull it back.

Mikha just shakes her head, smirking as her eyes start filling with tears. Maloi feels her heart ache at the sight. Mikha's been her friend the longest, and the two of them have been through so much in life together that she doesn't know how to live without the younger woman by her side.

Her friend must be terrified right now, Maloi thinks. But Mikha has always been the type to hide her true feelings, refusing to show vulnerability because she doesn't want to burden others with them.

Even now, as the younger woman tries to smile reassuringly at her, Maloi knows that deep down Mikha wants to break down, wants to sob and scream at the possibility of losing her best friend.

And she wants to reassure her. Make Mikha realize that she can still live a happy and fulfilling life even without Maloi by her side.

"Y'know," Maloi starts, her voice hoarse and scratchy because of how dry her throat feels.

Mikha helps Maloi sit up on the bed, carefully guiding her to lean back against the stack of pillows behind her before reaching for the glass of water on the bedside table. She then helps Maloi drink half of the glass' contents, patiently waiting as the older woman takes slow sips.

Once done, Mikha sits back down on her stool as Maloi shoots her a grateful smile.

"Thanks," the older girl mutters, closing her eyes for a bit to gather her thoughts.

"Y'know . . ." she starts again, slowly this time, as she opens her eyes and meets her friend's gaze head-on.

"I think I never thanked you properly enough for staying by my side through all these years. I wouldn't have survived and come out of them as a better person without your help."

"You idiot," comes Mikha's reply in a shaky voice, as her tears finally spill down her cheeks. "Why are you talking like that?"

Maloi merely shrugs her shoulders, her smile wan as she turns and stares straight ahead. And she feels her heart break even further when she hears her best friend take in a shaky, agonized breath.

"Thank you for always being by my side, Mikhs. And in the spirit of being honest, I just wanted you to know that had I not known how big your ambitions were, had I not believed that it would have been a hindrance for you to reach your dreams, I would've told you years ago how much I was in love with you."

Maloi pauses for a while to catch her breath, and she also takes this time to look at her best friend again.

Mikha's looking at her with pained, tearful eyes as she bites hard on her lower lip, and Maloi feels herself falter because this is the first time she's seen the younger woman this heartbroken in all the years that she's known her. 

"You idiot," Mikha says as her tears continue to flow, and every tear that falls feels like a knife getting twisted in Maloi's heart. 

"Akala mo ba hindi ko alam? Do you really think that I didn't feel how much you loved me? Because I did, Maloi. And I loved you too, you big fucking self-sacrificing idiot!"

Mikha pauses to wipe at her tears with the back of her hands. She looks so painfully adorable that Maloi couldn't help but smile in fondness despite the ache she feels in her heart.

"I was waiting for you to make a move, kasi hindi naman ako sigurado noon. But you started dating someone else so I thought that maybe I was wrong. But, your actions belied your feelings through the years, Loi. And by the time I realized it, it was too late. I already loved my career too much to do anything to jeopardize it."

They both remain silent after that, probably lost in their own thoughts as feelings that have been kept hidden for years were finally being exposed and brought to the surface. 

Finally, after what felt like forever, Maloi breaks the silence as she lets out a soft, pained chuckle. Mikha looks at her with worry, but otherwise doesn't talk because she knows that she's about to say something.

"I dated so that I wouldn't come in the way of you reaching your dreams, Mikhs. But along the way, I did find myself loving her genuinely. Hindi sa paraan na minahal kita. Not yet at that time. But she cheated on me before I could've, so that's that."

Another pause.

"You're always gonna be my first love. And I want you to be happy, with or without me by your side–"

"Stop!"

"But it's the truth! I'm dying, Mikhaela! At hindi na yon mababago!"

"That's too selfish of you to say, Loi," Mikha says after Maloi's outburst, and the latter feels a lump lodge in her throat at the sight of her best friend completely breaking apart before her.

Mikha's shoulders shake as she starts sobbing uncontrollably, and the sound of her cries is enough to shatter whatever remaining semblance of control Maloi has, as she too, starts breaking down.

She feels bad for all the people she's leaving behind, for unintentionally hurting them and breaking their hearts. But she couldn't do anything to stop their pain, because no matter how much any of them tries to deny it, she is going to die.

She's long accepted the fact, but it's only now sinking in that she's gonna leave behind too much pain and heartbreak. And it hurts. Too much.

"I'm sorry," she kept muttering as she spread her arms, asking Mikha for a hug.

The younger woman, despite her sobs, still gets up from her seat and walks into Maloi's embrace, sagging against the older woman’s body as they hold each other while completely falling apart.

What am I doing here?

Maloi takes in a shuddering breath as she stands in front of unit 2726 in the Emerald Palace building. It's been years since she last visited this place, and she doesn't know what possessed her to come back again.

She's been to this unit so many times in the past, and this place has seen some of the happiest – and saddest – moments in her life. 

When was the last time she’s been here? Oh, right, it was about three years ago. She might not even be living here anymore. 

Sighing, Maloi was about to head back to the elevators when a very familiar voice, which up to this day still makes her heart skip a beat, called out to her.

“Excuse me. Are you looking for someone, miss?”

Maloi turns around at the question, and sure enough, her heart almost putters to a stop as her gaze lands on the woman standing a couple of feet away.

Her hair is still waist-long and the darkest shade of black. Though, unlike what Maloi is used to, it’s now kept in a curly style instead of straight. Her frame is still petite, but it’s obvious that she’s put on some healthy weight. 

Her eyes, still that piercing dark abyss that anyone can get lost in. Her lips, still that beautiful shade of pink that Maloi has trouble forgetting. And her cheeks still tinted a rosy pink that Maloi finds herself wanting to kiss.

“Jhoanna . . .” falls softly from Maloi’s lips, the name she utters almost unconsciously.

Jhoanna’s brows furrow in confusion at the sound of her name, her gaze reflecting how weirded out she currently is. And it was only then that Maloi remembered that she was wearing a face mask that covered almost half of her face.

With a sigh, Maloi reaches a bony hand up and takes off the mask slowly, keeping her gaze on the other woman. 

She watches as the confusion in Jhoanna’s eyes slowly gives way to recognition, and she can only smile wryly as the younger woman gapes at her.

“Hi,” she says softly, feeling her knees starting to weaken again.

She has to go now if she doesn’t want to collapse in the middle of the street. Maybe she can have Colet or Aiah book her a Grab ride, because she’s sure she can’t commute all the way back to her place like she did when she went here.

God, she should’ve installed that damned app when Gwen told her about it the week before. Now, she has to inconvenience one of her friends again just because her stupid body has gone so weak it couldn’t handle the simple task of commuting.

“I–I have to go,” Maloi says softly as she tries to walk past Jhoanna.

But the younger woman doesn’t let her pass by, grabbing her wrist softly to stop her in her tracks. When Maloi turns to look at Jhoanna, she sees the look of conflict in the latter’s eyes.

“Mary Loi . . . what happened to you?” Jhoanna asks just as softly, as if she was afraid that any louder would break the older woman like fragile glass.

Maloi just shrugs, desperate to get away as her body weakens more by the second. Her joints are starting to ache, and she knows that if she doesn’t leave now, she wouldn’t even be able to make it back to the lobby.

“I’m sorry, pero kailangan ko nang umalis,” she repeats, her vision starting to swim as the familiar nausea hits her.

She really has to leave, but Jhoanna refuses to let go. Maloi tries to pry her hand free, but she’s so fatigued that even though Jhoanna’s grip isn’t really that tight, she still can’t get away.

“What the hell is happening? Why . . . why do you look like that? Why–”

“I have to go!”

“Then answer my question first!”

“God, please just let go. I’m near fainting and I just wanna go so I can rest.”

Jhoanna looks like she’s going to ask something again. But before she could open her mouth, Maloi began swaying on her spot as darkness slowly crept into her vision.

She thinks she hears Jhoanna calling out her name again, but she can’t be so sure because she blacks out not long after.

Maloi wakes up to the smell of coffee and something warm and heavy being draped over her body. 

Slowly opening her bleary eyes, she almost does a double take when she realizes that Jhoanna is standing before her.

The other woman was in the midst of draping a blanket over her when she woke up, and Maloi felt her heartbeat spike at their proximity. 

It's been so long, yet Jhoanna is still able to elicit all these reactions from her body that only she can. Maloi thinks it's a little unfair, but who is she to complain when Jhoanna Robles is the greatest love of her life?

Stacey might be her biggest regret. Mikha her biggest what if. But Jhoanna, up to this day, will be her biggest and worst heartbreak.

"Hey," Jhoanna greets as she steps back from the bed, letting the blanket fall from her hands as she clasps them behind her back.

"Hey back," Maloi responds as she sits up on the bed, leaning her back on the headboard as she feels her tired muscles complain as she moves.

"What happened?"

"Nahimatay ka, so I carried you inside my unit and to my bed. You . . . you lost a lot of weight since the last time we saw each other."

"Ah. Sorry about that. And thank you, for taking care of me. I owe you one. Pero kailangan ko na talagang umalis. "

"No! Uhm . . . Halos hatinggabi na, so I'll feel more at ease if you'd just stay over for the night. Kahit ihatid na kita bukas nang maaga kung gusto mo. Just . . . just please stay the night."

Maloi sighs as she closes her eyes, mulling over her options. Why did she even come here in the first place?

She knows deep down, no matter how much she tries to deny it to herself, that she came here looking for Jhoanna to have closure with the younger woman. She didn't want to leave this world without saying as much as a goodbye to the person she loved – loves – the most.

"I missed you."

Jhoanna was about to walk out of the room when Maloi said that, and the words had her frozen on her spot. Slowly, she turns to look towards the older woman, who she sees is staring at something on her bedside table.

She feels a chill run down her spine when she sees what Maloi is looking at – a framed photograph that she's kept there for months.

"Maloi–"

"Is he your boyfriend? You two look happy together. And I'm not gonna lie, it hurts. But I'm glad to know that you're happy."

Maloi's voice is devoid of emotion, and she's still staring at the photo. Or it looks like it. But upon closer inspection, Jhoanna finds that the former has this faraway look in her eyes, as if she's lost in her own head.

"Nagpunta ako dito kasi namiss kita. Because, even though it's been three years, my heart still yearns for you. But I'm not stupid enough to think that you wouldn't have moved on."

Maloi pauses, out of breath. And Jhoanna worries for a moment that she's going to pass out again. But the older woman continues talking not long after.

"And even though it feels like my soul is being ripped in two right now, I can honestly say that I'm relieved that you found your happiness."

"Why did you really come here Maloi? Three years of absolutely no contact, and you just show up out of the blue. Looking like . . . like that . Ano ba talagang nangyayari?"

"Sinabi ko naman na, diba? I missed you. And I regret the way we ended things. Alam mo ba, hindi ko naman talaga gustong makipaghiwalay sayo noon eh. I wanted to still fight for us, but I could see in your eyes that you've already made up your mind. Na gusto mo nang tapusin yung tayo. So I had no choice but to let you go."

"Maloi . . ."

"You know what's unfair? I tried my hardest to make you happy, kasi nga mahal na mahal kita. Pero hindi ko agad narealize na unti-unti na palang nagbabago yung feelings mo para sakin. It only just made sense recently, that no matter how hard I tried to fix our relationship back then, it wouldn't have made any difference because your feelings have changed."

"Loi . . ."

Jhoanna is crying by this point, tears silently streaming down her cheeks as she stares at Maloi with pained eyes. Smiling wanly, the latter pats the empty space on the bed beside her, and Jhoanna walks over and takes a seat.

Wordlessly, Maloi reaches a hand up and wipes at Jhoanna's tears with the back of her fingers. 

"I have a lot of regrets in my life, but I never once regretted falling for and loving you. I think the years we spent together are some of the best years of my life, kaya gusto kong magpasalamat. I wouldn't have known what true happiness felt like, kung hindi kita nakilala."

At Maloi's words, Jhoanna lets out a sob. She can only watch, because she doesn't know of a way to comfort the other woman when she only came here to say goodbye.

So, she does the next best thing she can think of. With her shaky hands, she reaches for one of Jhoanna's and holds on tight. 

The latter’s skin is as soft and warm as she remembers, and the touch sends a familiar feeling of warmth that never fails to soothe her heart. 

"I also came here to say goodbye, I guess."

"Huh?"

"I didn't want to say it so brusquely, but I can't think of any other way to tell you. I'm dying, Jhoanna. And I just wanted to see you for maybe one last time before I do. Kasi namiss kita, at mahal na mahal pa rin kita despite everything.

"Is this a joke?! Kasi hindi nakakatuwa, Mary Loi!"

"I'm not joking. I have leukemia, stage four na. I’ve been diagnosed about six months ago. I think my physical condition speaks for itself naman na. I've said my goodbyes to everyone. Everyone except you . . ."

Maloi pauses then, as she feels her vision start spinning again. Letting out a heavy breath, she closes her eyes and leans her head back against the wall in a futile attempt to will the dizziness away.

"I . . . I think I should rest. Can you please call Aiah or Colet, tell them to pick me up tomorrow? I'm getting tired and I don't know how much longer I can stay conscious."

Jhoanna merely nods her head without saying anything, an unreadable look lingering in her eyes. But Maloi's slowly drifting off to sleep, so she just tries to lie on her back once more. The younger woman tries to help, so she thanks her softly with a smile.

"Good night, Maloi," she hears Jhoanna whisper against her hair.

Good night , she wanted to respond. But by that time she was already on her way to dream land.

"Mikha looks so pretty in that dress."

Maloi couldn't help but agree, her gaze stuck on the screen of her television as she watched her friend receive yet another acting award.

She feels her heart swell with pride as she looks at Mikha’s bright smile, feeling a bit regretful that she couldn't accompany her friend to the event.

It's now two months after she visited Jhoanna, and Maloi can no longer walk on her own feet without assistance.

Ah, Jhoanna.

The morning after that night, she woke up to Colet waiting for her in the living room while Jhoanna had already left for work. She was hoping to catch one last glimpse of her former lover before leaving, but alas, it wasn't meant to be.

Jhoanna hadn't contacted her since.

Maloi can only sigh as she massages her aching knees. 

She can now only muster enough strength to get herself into her wheelchair, or walk very short distances with a walker. So, despite their original plan of her being Mikha’s date to the awards show, Sheena had to come in her stead.

"Hey, you okay? Your eyes are droopy." 

Maloi tears her gaze from the television long enough to flash Aiah, who's sitting beside her, a reassuring smile. 

"I'm going to the bathroom," she says instead, holding onto the arm of the couch and grabbing her walker.

"Do you need help getting there?"

"Nah. Kaya ko naman."

As soon as Maloi enters the bathroom, she locks the door behind her and leans heavily against it, a little breathless from the short walk. 

After finishing her business, she walks to the sink and wash her hands. And as she's soaping, her gaze lands on her reflection in the mirror, and she almost cries at the sight.

Her eyes are sunken, dull, and almost lifeless. Her lips, which used to be a healthy shade of pink, are now chapped and pale. Her cheeks are more sunken than gaunt, and her skin has now taken on a ghostly pallor.

She's basically skin and bones by now and she wonders, not for the first time in the last couple of months, just how long she has left. Her family and friends try their best to spend as much time as they can with her, and Maloi has to pretend that she doesn't notice the way they falter or hold their tears back every time they so much as look at her.

But truth be told, she's getting tired. Her body is always aching, her nose almost always gushing out blood, and even the simple act of breathing hurts so much. But she also knows that her loved ones aren't ready to let go of her just yet.

So she holds on, more for their sake than her own.

And if she's being completely honest with herself, she's also waiting and hoping for Jhoanna to visit her at least once.

Is it selfish of her? Maybe. But she's dying anyway, so what's wrong with wanting to be selfish one last time?

Sighing, Maloi splashes cold water on her face as she thinks about Jhoanna again.

"Miss Ricalde–"

"How many times do I have to tell you, Andi, to just call me Maloi?" she interrupts her personal nurse.

"Ah, sorry, sorry. But there's a certain Jhoanna Robles looking for you outside. Papapasukin ko ba?"

At the sound of Jhoanna's name, Maloi's dying heart skips a beat.

"Yeah. I wanna see her."

Andi gives her a knowing look, but Maloi's too anxious and excited to mind.

It feels like forever, but her bedroom door opens again and Maloi feels herself getting short of breath as she sees Jhoanna walk in.

"Hi," the younger woman greeted meekly, and Maloi couldn't stop herself from smiling.

"Hey back," she says weakly, as Jhoanna takes a seat on the chair beside her bed. “Napabisita ka?”

“You’re a fucking idiot. A selfish, stupid, martyr. And I hate how you can still love me despite what I’ve done to you years ago, but I’m glad that you came to me when you did.”

Jhoanna exclaims, straight to the point. And then she pauses as she looks Maloi in the eyes, her gaze piercing right to the latter’s very soul, and Maloi feels herself shudder.

“Do you know why I wanted to break up with you all those years ago? It wasn't because I fell out of love. Nakipaghiwalay ako kasi sobrang duwag ko. I was feeling all these emotions that I couldn’t make sense of for you and because of you , and I got so scared that I decided to run away.”

Tears. There are tears streaming down Jhoanna’s cheeks. Maloi tries to wipe them away but Jhoanna catches her hands and holds them tightly in hers.

“And seeing you again after so long, knowing I’m gonna lose you for good soon, I couldn’t really fool myself into thinking that I’m no longer in love with you. Because I am, and knowing that I won’t have enough time to make it up to you fills me with so much regret that it hurts so bad.”

Jhoanna brings their joined hands to her lips and kisses Maloi’s knuckles one by one, the latter not minding how the younger’s tears are falling on her skin.

Jhoanna’s still in love with her.

It feels so surreal, because all these years, Jhoanna has also never stopped loving her.

“I broke up with Bryce. Because I couldn’t stay in a relationship with him when it’s you I want to be with. I’m so sorry Maloi – Lucky. Please, please, please let me stay by your side. Gusto kitang alagaan. I want to make you feel just how much I love you. I don’t even care na sobrang limited na lang yung time na makakasama pa kita.”

Had she not been sick, Maloi would have had second thoughts and reservations about granting Jhoanna’s request on the spot. But as it is, she knows that her time is limited, so she pulls Jhoanna closer and catches her lips in a tentative kiss.

Jhoanna, although surprised at first, gently kisses back. And Maloi lets out a relieved sigh as she wraps her arms around the younger woman. God, she missed her so much .

She might not have long left, but she’s glad that she can spend her last moments with the person who owns her heart.

“Maloi?”

Maloi opens her eyes slowly and a wistful smile graces her lips as nothing but darkness greets her. 

The past couple of weeks, her vision started going blurry and it seems that today, she’s completely lost all sense of sight. Ah, she feels so tired. Why did she wake up again?

“Loi?”

Jhoanna’s familiar voice registers in her ears, and her lips automatically curl up into a fond smile as she tries to reach for her girlfriend’s hand. She feels over the bed for a moment, before there are soft, petite fingers intertwining with her own.

“What is it?” Maloi asks, mustering all the energy she has left in her body to speak. 

“Wala naman. Just checking up on you. We were talking about the success of Mikha’s recently released movie kasi. Tapos you went all silent on me.”

Though her mind is hazy, she still hears the slight tremor in Jhoanna’s playful voice, and she feels her heart clench a little. But at this point in time, she can’t do much about it, to be honest.

God, she’s sleepy and her limbs feel leaden. Can she just go back to sleep? But Jhoanna’s still talking to her. Wouldn’t that be considered rude? It might make the younger woman sad, too.

“Tin?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m tired. Do you know why I’m so, so tired?”

There’s no response for a while, and Maloi feels the hand holding onto hers shake as the sound of sniffles reaches her ears.

“Tintin ko.”

“Hmmm?”

“Umiiyak ka ba? May problema?”

 “Nothing’s wrong, Lucky. I’m just happy to be here with you right now. Alam mo ba kung nasaan tayo ngayon?”

Maloi stops for a moment to think. Her mind comes up blank. She sighs.

“Not really, sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

The tremor in Jhoanna’s voice is more obvious now, and Maloi starts to get worried. She squeezes the hand that’s holding onto hers once, twice, as a gesture of comfort. The shaky chuckle she hears is enough to placate the worry in her heart.

“We’re in Batangas right now, at the rest house you said you bought two years ago because you remembered how much I loved the ocean. You requested to visit this place last week, di ba? You wanted it to be just the two of us.”

“Ah . . . is that so? Sorry, nakalimutan ko ata. Pero, I’m so glad, that I am here with you right now.”

Maloi feels a hand gently cupping her cheek, It’s soft and warm, reminding her of rainy days spent inside her room, tucked under thick blankets as she held Jhoanna in her arms.

“Tin?”

“Yeah?”

“Cuddles?”

“I don’t know, Lucky. I–”

“Please?”

“. . . Okay. Alright, wait a sec.”

It takes a while, and there’s a lot of shuffling around her, but Jhoanna manages to get on the bed behind Maloi, hugging the older woman tightly so that Maloi is leaning heavily against her front.

“Tin?”

“Hmmm?”

“Can you please tell my family that I love them very much? If I was given the choice to pick my own family, sila at sila pa din ang pipiliin ko, walang pag-aalinlangan.”

“Sure, I’ll tell them that.”

A light kiss is pressed against her forehead, and Maloi finds comfort in the familiar scent that makes its way to her nose. Her girlfriend always did like smelling like flowers even before they started dating.

Maloi starts feeling light-headed the same time it gets a little harder to breathe. Blinking her eyes in rapid succession, she lets out a sigh as she decides to just close them instead.

“Tin?”

“What is it, my love?”

“I love you. So much. Do you know how happy you make me? You don’t, do you? But it’s okay. Do I make you happy too?”

“Of course, love. You make me the happiest.”

“Buti naman. But why does it sound like you’re still crying? Did I say something that upset you?”

“No, no. It’s just . . . I love you. So much.”

“And I, you. Tin?”

“Hmmm?”

“I really am tired.”

There’s a choked sound coming from Jhoanna, and Maloi feels the younger woman’s body trembling behind her. The sniffles also grew louder in volume, so she’s starting to get a little worried. Why is your love crying?

“Do you want to rest?” Jhoanna asks, her voice thick with tears. Maloi finds herself frowning at the fact.

“I kinda do. I’m so tired. But I’m also worried about you.”

“Wag mo kong alalahanin, Lucky. You can rest if you want to, yeah?”

“Mmmm, okay.”

Maloi closes her eyes, the pull of unconsciousness getting stronger by the second. It’s getting harder to breathe, and she feels the strength slowly leaving her body. By this point, she knows exactly what is happening.

She thought she’d be terrified, that she’d find herself begging a deity up above to let her live for a little longer. So she can have more time with her loved ones. But she’s feeling surprisingly calm right now. 

With all the remaining strength she has in her body, she turns into Jhoanna’s arms so that they’re facing each other. With a fond smile on her lips, she leans forward and scoots closer to her girlfriend. Taking a deep breath, she lets the younger woman’s scent fill her senses and lull her into a calm state.

Closing her eyes again, Maloi lets the pull of unconsciousness take over as she slowly blanks out. The feel of Jhoanna’s steady heartbeat against her ear is the last thing that registers in her mind before she fades into unconsciousness.

The moment Maloi’s body goes slack in her arms, Jhoanna knows, that she’s lost her love forever. 

So she cries, big fat tears rolling down her cheeks as she continues to hold onto Maloi as if her life depended on it.

She never knew that loss could hurt this badly. It’s akin to when she lost her grandmother all those years ago. Only this time, it feels a lot like half of her soul died as Maloi passed away in her embrace.

Maloi went peacefully, with a smile on her lips. And for a moment, Jhoanna felt a slight relief because her love wouldn’t have to suffer anymore.

But then she remembers that she’s going home to an empty apartment after this day, without the comfort of Maloi’s warm smiles and sweet voice, and she breaks all over again.

And as the room gets filled with the sound of her anguished sobs, Jhoanna finds herself wondering, how is she ever gonna be able to move past this loss?