Archive of Our Own

It's quiet.

It's so eerily quiet that Jhoanna feels a chill run down her spine as she aimlessly stares straight ahead. Maloi's family and all of their friends have just left with the older woman's body after spending hours just breaking down over the very recent loss.

The sound of everyone's sobs, coming together in a very heart-shattering and gut-wrenching chorus, is still ringing in her ears as if they're all still there. 

Jhoanna feels numb. 

She could only sit and stare blankly ahead as she tried, and fails, to process all her emotions and everything that happened in the past few hours. She couldn't even remember if she was able to let go of Maloi's body long enough to call one of their friends, to let them know of the older woman's passing. Or if it was their friends and Maloi's family who came over of their own accord.

All she remembers is hearing Aiah's soft voice softly whispering 'oh, sweetheart' before she was gently pulled up and encased in a tight embrace. She remembers the sobs, the wails, the heartbreak that shrouded the entire room at the life that was lost. She remembers how leaden her arms felt, as the warmth slowly slipped from Maloi's body which she was just holding tightly in her arms.

She remembers how an excruciating pain - one she had never felt nor experienced in her entire life before - seized her heart oh so mercilessly, which left her reeling and choking back sobs that wracked her entire body. 

She remembers feeling so overwhelmed, as if the entire world was closing in on her and swallowing her whole. And all she could do was helplessly let herself break, because she just lost the one person who was able to hold her together when everything became too much to handle.

And now, hours later, she sits all alone with only her thoughts and the uncanny silence to keep her company.

Aiah and Colet were urging her to come with them earlier. Even Maloi's mother, who she fondly refers to as Tita Mama, was worried and wanted to bring her with them. But Jhoanna, who doesn't do well with company when processing very strong emotions, all but begged them to give her some space and time to process everything on her own first.

Maloi, who always had a knack for knowing what to do and what to say, used to be her sole exception. But now that the older woman is gone, Jhoanna is left to process her own emotions in her lonesome.

The reminder just served to break her already shattered heart even further.

It was Tita Mama who relented first. The older woman let out a weary sigh before stepping forward to give her a warm, tight embrace that, although didn't do anything to assuage the raging storm of emotions within Jhoanna, helped soothe the ache in her heart a little. She was also made to promise to follow soon, which Jhoanna did so with a forced smile.

Colet and Aiah acquiesced not long after, both leaving with everyone else, but not before promising to come back for her the following morning. Jhoanna just flashed the two of them a grateful smile which she's certain looked more of a grimace at best. But the two older women merely smiled at her in understanding and, like clockwork, they both leaned in at the same time to place a lingering kiss against the top of her head. 

Colet on the left, Aiah on the right. And Maloi on the forehead. Jhoanna had to grit her teeth hard lest she cried out at the sharp pain that shot through her heart at the memory.

The gesture reminded Jhoanna of years past, when they were all younger and everything was less complicated . . . less painful. And it took everything in her to stop herself from breaking apart all over again. To stop herself from crying, which would undoubtedly worry her friends to no end, Jhoanna bit on her lower lip hard to the point of breaking skin.

The physical pain and the sharp, metallic taste on her tongue were a welcomed distraction from the pain that left her soul screaming. 

A gentle breeze that rattles the glass doors leading to the back patio distracts her from her thoughts, and Jhoanna is quite surprised at how late it has gotten. The sun has almost set, and the sky is painted in different shades and hues of red, orange, purple, and gold. The sight is breathtaking, and Maloi used to love this time of the day the most. 

"Babe? Akala ko ba favorite mo ang sunrise? Bakit sunset yung sinagot mo sa game kanina?"

It's a quarter past midnight and Jhoanna and Maloi have just come back to their place, having spent the last few hours bonding with their friends over at Stacey's and Colet's. They were playing a couple of rounds of wholesome truth or dare after dinner, and when it came to Maloi's turn, she was asked to list down three of her favorite things except for friends, family, and Jhoanna.

Jhoanna remembers the full-on belly laugh that Maloi let out after the last condition left Mikha's lips, and it left her feeling a little tickled pink. She's always loved the sound of the older woman's laughter, especially when it's so unbidden and free like earlier.

"Hmmm . . ." Maloi hums as she climbs onto the bed while Jhoanna watches. 

The bed shakes a little as the older woman settles down on her side, and like clockwork, Jhoanna scoots over and turns on her side to hug her girlfriend as soon as the latter has slipped under the sheets. Maloi chuckles, soft and fond, before Jhoanna feels a pair of soft, warm lips pressing firmly against her forehead. 

"So?" Jhoanna prompts, pulling her head back from the crook of Maloi's neck to look her girlfriend in the eyes.

Maloi just smiles at her fondly, leaning forward a bit to press a soft kiss against her lips that leaves Jhoanna's heart fluttering like there's no tomorrow. 

"I love you," Maloi says in a breathy whisper, her soft voice akin to music to Jhoanna's ears. 

A pretty smile blooms on Jhoanna's lips and she feels the butterflies rampaging in her stomach at the look of pure, unadulterated adoration being sent her way. 

"And I love you too," she responds just as breathless, before leaning forward to boop her nose against Maloi's.

"Now answer my question, Lucky. Bakit nga nagbago bigla?" 

Maloi chuckles at the impatience dripping in Jhoanna's voice, snaking a hand up between their bodies to gently cup Jhoanna's cheek as she stares at her with eyes full of nothing but love.

"It's not sudden, silly."

"Edi hindi. Pero bakit? Wala namang may birthday, wag kang pabitin, Mary Loi."

Maloi guffaws at that, her laughter making her whole body shake as she tightens her hold around Jhoanna and pulls the latter even closer against her body. And although finding the situation funny, Jhoanna could only smile fondly as she let herself be pulled close.

There's nowhere else in the world she'd rather be, than in the safety of Maloi's arms.

"Oh my God, mahal na mahal talaga kita, Tintin ko. Never change, I beg."

The words send a feeling of warmth to Jhoanna's heart and she feels a little overwhelmed, that she had to bury her face against the crook of Maloi's neck to hide her fluster. She's never going to admit it out loud because she knows the older woman would only use it as ammunition to tease her, but Jhoanna is absolutely in love with how Maloi randomly drops admissions of her love.

It's just very . . . Maloi, and Jhoanna is enamored with everything about her.

After a moment of comfortable silence, Jhoanna feels more than hears Maloi let out a breath before feeling another kiss being pressed against the top of her head.

"Do you remember our first date?" 

The question makes Jhoanna pause a little. 

Of course, she remembers. It's been a while now, but she still remembers how everything - the confusion, the unpleasant, unfamiliar feelings, the resentment - made sense as soon as Maloi asked her out on a non-friendly date.

The date was a simple affair. They had a meal at a restaurant in MOA, then grabbed some coffee and desserts at a cafe inside the mall, before heading out to the seaside to watch the sunset. They were just talking comfortably during their meals, and though it wasn't exactly new to them as they've been friends for a long while by then, Maloi had been extra affectionate the whole time and Jhoanna couldn't help but notice.

It was during that day, as Maloi looked at her with all the love in the world while being bathed in the setting sun's golden glow, that Jhoanna knew that everything between the two of them had changed.

"I do. Of course I do," Jhoanna answers, her lips brushing Maloi's skin as she speaks.

She feels Maloi shudder with each word, and her ego is a little stoked because she has that effect on the older woman.

"It was then when it started. The sun was just about to set, and you looked so, so beautiful being bathed in its glow, that I found myself unable to look away. I'm not sure if you're aware, pero sobrang ganda mo, Jhoanna. I eventually fell in love with sunsets, because I've come to associate them with you."

Jhoanna's reminiscing is halted by the sound of her phone vibrating on top of the coffee table. Her gaze falls on the device's glowing screen, and she feels her heart drop and her blood run cold when she sees the time.

“It's 6 PM, Tintin ko! Dinner time for Lucky and Tintin yay!!! Let's go, mahal ko! I love youuuuuuuuuuuuu!”

The sound of Maloi's voice spilling from the speakers of her phone sends another jolt of excruciating pain to Jhoanna's heart, and before she knows it, rivulets of tears are flowing down her cheeks and she's unable to stop the sob that slips past her lips.

She sobs, and she sobs, and she sobs until it gets hard to breathe. It's finally registering to her addled mind that she really lost the love of her life, and she doesn't know what to do with herself. She claws at her chest as she wails at the top of her lungs, desperate to rid herself of the pain that's seemingly never going to stop.

God, please make it stop.

It doesn't feel real.

The next morning, Jhoanna woke up with her eyes swollen and her throat raw from all the crying she had done the night before. Her body feels leaden as she gets up from the couch where she passed out, gingerly dragging her feet towards the bathroom to splash some cold water on her face.

She stares, numbly, at the ghostly pallor of her skin and the dark circles under her eyes. It's barely even been a day, and yet she already feels so . . . lost and disoriented. Letting out a sigh, she grabs the face towel hanging on the rack beside the mirror and wipes her face with it.

Or so she tries. 

The moment the soft fabric touches her skin, her senses are assaulted and overwhelmed by Maloi's familiar sweet, citrusy scent. The reaction is instantaneous, and in the next moment, Jhoanna finds herself holding onto the sink with a deathly grip as her body shakes violently at the shock. 

There are no tears from her this time, but a sudden wave of nausea hits her and leaves her staggering as her poor lungs cry out for oxygen. Taking in big, deep breaths, Jhoanna closes her eyes as she tries to will the dizziness away.  

It takes a while, Jhoanna has lost track of how long it's been, but she eventually feels okay enough to open her eyes again as her grip on the sink slackens. She stares at her reflection in the mirror again, and she gets this overwhelming urge to just punch the thing and shatter it into a million tiny pieces.

And she would've, had she not felt so physically weak.

So, she instead turns on her heels and stalks out of the bathroom, too desperate to get away from her own reflection as fast as possible.

The haunted, broken look in her eyes as she stares at herself plagues her mind even as she walks away.

Is this going to be her norm from now on? 

Because good God, she doesn't know how she'll be able to survive a lifetime of this torture.

As promised, Aiah and Colet came back for her later on in the morning, and Jhoanna had finally decided to come with them.

She had a realization earlier that day, while she was standing under the almost scalding waters of her shower, that she has to eventually face the music and confront the reality that Maloi is gone. And while the thought left her feeling equal parts hollow and devastated, she knew she couldn't run away forever.

So she forced herself to move. And to placate the worry she could see in the older women's eyes, she also forced herself to take a couple of bites of food despite not having any appetite since the day before.

There's understanding in Aiah’s and Colet’s eyes, and it leaves Jhoanna feeling grateful. Because she knows that she doesn't have to speak, that the two of them are okay with her keeping to herself in the meantime. And she appreciates that very much.

She doesn't even know where to start if anyone were to ask her how she's feeling. There's a myriad of thoughts and emotions battling it out inside of her, and Jhoanna feels suffocated and helpless and just utterly defeated.

And now, she sits at the backseat of Aiah's car as the older woman drives them to Maloi's family home.

Dread and anxiety currently have a tight grip on her heart as the distance between them and their destination diminishes. And the only thought that occupied her mind as they cruised along the mostly empty highway was that she was finally seeing Maloi again.

“Are you crying?”

Jhoanna glares at her companion when she detects the hint of amusement in the older woman's voice. Rolling her eyes, she violently reaches for a wad of tissues which she uses to wipe at the tears that were streaming down her cheeks.

“I think the right question here is bakit hindi ka umiiyak? Between the two of us, ikaw yung mas mabilis maapektuhan ang emotions when it comes to things like this.”

A sheepish smile forms on Maloi's lips as she scoots over on the couch so that she's closer to Jhoanna. Gently, she reaches both hands up and cups the younger woman's cheeks before using her thumbs to softly wipe away Jhoanna's tears.

It's a Saturday, which is a free day for the both of them, and they've decided to spend it together at Maloi's place. The plan was for them to have a “Lazy Saturday”, where they would spend the entire day just lazing around watching movies or doing nothing as they caught up with each other's week.

They've just finished watching “A Walk to Remember”, because Maloi was so affronted when Jhoanna mentioned she's never seen the film before. As a hopeless romantic, it's one of Maloi's favorites of all time so it was a cardinal sin in her books to be dating someone who has never bothered seeing the film at all.

Okay, that's quite an exaggeration. But her point still stands. And that's why she was adamant on watching it with her girlfriend.

Which brings them to now. Jhoanna's lips pursed into an adorable pout as she stares at Maloi's face while the latter continued to wipe at her tears. 

Unable to resist, Maloi quickly leans forward and captures Jhoanna's lips in a short but sweet kiss. The latter's pout has turned into a giddy smile when they pull apart, and Maloi couldn't help but grin herself.

“Mahal kita,” Maloi suddenly blurts out, which causes Jhoanna's smile to widen.

“At mahal din kita kahit ang random random mo,” Jhoanna quips back, reaching a hand up to gently pinch her girlfriend's nose.

Maloi laughs at this. That full-on belly laugh that sounds so whole and Jhoanna loves so much.

“And I thank God everyday that you do. Anyway, I think masyadong maraming beses ko na kasi tong napanood na nakakayanan ko nang hindi umiyak. Andon pa din yung kirot don't get me wrong. Pero kasi alam ko na ano yung i-e-expect kaya I can manage my emotions better.”

Maloi's smile this time is fond as she gently taps Jhoanna's cheeks before she lets go. 

“Daya. Pero gets. God, that was such a good cry, not gonna lie.”

Jhoanna's statement makes Maloi chuckle in fond amusement. She then reaches for a can of soda on their coffee table and pops it open before handing it to her girlfriend, who thanks her with such a pretty smile and a kiss on the cheek.

A short moment of silence settles over the two of them, and Jhoanna uses this chance to stare at her lover. Maloi is busy browsing for the next movie they're going to watch, and Jhoanna feels her heart soar at the older woman's adorable pout and furrowed brows.

"Lucky."

Maloi pauses her browsing and puts the remote control back on the coffee table, turning her body to the side so that her full focus is on Jhoanna and Jhoanna alone. The gesture leaves the younger woman choking back her emotions, with her settling on sending her girlfriend a grateful smile.

It's one of the things Jhoanna loves about Maloi - how the older woman is ready to drop anything at a moment's notice just to focus her attention solely on Jhoanna.

"What is it, Tintin ko?"

A sigh.

Maloi's expression morphs into one of worry.

Jhoanna assuages her concern with a reassuring smile

"If you were Landon, would you have done the same thing?"

At the question, Maloi's brows furrowed as a pensive look settled on her expression. Jhoanna's smile turns fond as she continues to stare. She really has the prettiest girlfriend in the world.

"Alin ba? Yung pagpapakasal kay Jamie despite knowing that the end is near?"

Jhoanna nods her head in earnest, genuinely curious about her girlfriend's thoughts on the matter.

"Hmmm . . . I think the thought of someone willingly putting themselves through something that painful doesn't make sense logically. But then again, isn't that what love is? Hindi ba't pag mahal mo yung tao, willing kang gawin ang kahit ano para sa kanya no matter how senseless something might seem?"

Maloi pauses, gauging her girlfriend's reaction.

Jhoanna just smiles and nods her head, urging her to go on. 

"Love makes people do stupid things. Makes them lose rationale, ganun. I guess if I really, really love that person, then okay lang sakin masaktan kung para sa ikasasaya niya naman."

Another pause. Then Maloi pins Jhoanna with an inquisitive gaze that has the younger woman curious.

"Ikaw ba?"

Jhoanna takes some time to pause and ponder. And when her gaze meets her girlfriend's, she has a wan smile on her lips.

"I'm not sure if I'm romantic enough for a gesture as grand as that . . ."

Maloi's expression falls at the answer, and while she did her best to try and conceal it, Jhoanna knows her so well by this point that she easily detected the change in the older woman's mood. The latter averting her gaze is also a dead giveaway.

Had their topic not been as serious, she would've burst into a fit of giggles at how obvious Maloi was being with her emotions. The older woman did tend to wear her heart on her sleeves, and Jhoanna loves that about her.

Reaching a hand up, Jhoanna gently cups Maloi's cheek and pushes up a little so that their gazes meet again. She then smiles, trying to convey all the love she has inside of her for the older woman through her eyes. 

"Pero kung para sayo? Handang handa akong masaktan, Lucky. Ganun kita kamahal, kaya wag na wag mong kakalimutan yan, okay?"

"Jho."

  Colet's familiar voice and the gentle shaking of her shoulders rouse Jhoanna from her unexpected slumber. Groggily, she opens her eyes and lets her gaze wander, feeling disoriented and hazy as her sleep-addled mind tries to make sense of her surroundings. 

Belatedly, she sees Colet squatted by the car door beside her, the older woman pinning her with a concerned gaze.

“Nakatulog ka. Andito na tayo.”

Jhoanna's eyes widen at that, and when she turns to look outside, she sees that they have, indeed, arrived at Maloi's family home.

Instead of the dread that she was expecting to feel though, it's this overwhelming loneliness that seizes her heart as she lets herself be helped out by Colet.

And Jhoanna honestly doesn't know which one she prefers more.

"A penny for your thoughts?"

Jhoanna tears her gaze from the distant horizon to look at her companion. They're sitting on the sand, spending time in comfortable silence as they watch the sunset. It's another weekend and they're currently at the beach to celebrate the third year of them being together. The sun is halfway down the horizon, leaving myriads of colors beautifully blending together in its wake.

Maloi is looking at her with all the love in the world, and Jhoanna feels her heart constrict at the love she feels for her. 

Letting out a soft sigh, Jhoanna leans forward and captures Maloi's lips in a lingering kiss. The older woman still has her eyes closed when she pulls back, and Jhoanna's heart just overspills with all the emotions she has for her girlfriend. Sometimes, it terrifies her how much Maloi could make her feel .

"I love you," Jhoanna whispers softly, her voice carried by the winds as Maloi's eyes slowly flutter open.

The latter smiles at this, and before she can even say a single word in response, Jhoanna beats her to it.

"I can't imagine living a life without you, Lucky. Iniisip ko pa lang, parang hindi ko kaya. Wag na wag mo kong iiwan ah?"

This admission elicits a fond chuckle from Maloi, who reaches a hand out to cup Jhoanna's cheek. The latter closes her eyes and leans into the touch, the feel of the older woman's soft and warm touch grounding her back to earth.

Good Lord, how she loves this woman so.

"Hindi naman ako mawawala, Tintin ko. Dito lang ako sa tabi mo, palagi."

It feels surreal.

Jhoanna thought she'd break down crying at the first sight of Maloi's figure lying serenely inside the casket, but she surprisingly feels . . . empty. She could only stare blankly at the older woman's face, and she couldn't help but think, despite the obvious loss in weight, how Maloi is still the most beautiful woman she's ever laid eyes upon.

Maloi looks like she's just sleeping.

Jhoanna's not sure if it's because of the makeup, but the expression on Maloi's face is so calm . . . so serene, that it makes her look like she's just in deep slumber. Maybe it's the reason why her tears never came. Maybe her mind, and her heart, are still refusing to accept the fact that Maloi is really gone.

Either way, Jhoanna knows that every person at the wake is worried about her. She didn't miss the concerned looks and hushed whispers, and Maloi's family have all been checking up on her consistently for the past few hours. She's grateful for them really, but she honestly feels . . . she doesn't even feel anything at the moment.

Colet and Aiah have left hours before, heading back to Manila to pick up their other friends. Colet had been adamant about staying behind to keep her company, but Jhoanna assured her that she'd be fine. Besides, Maloi's family was there to keep an eye on her. It was Maloi's father, who whispered something to Colet, that finally convinced the other woman to go. 

And now, as Jhoanna sat on a chair beside Maloi's coffin, all she could do was stare numbly at the beautiful face of the love of her life, the quiet buzz of everyone else's conversations serving as a welcomed noise to the otherwise emptiness of her thoughts.

The next couple of days are a blur for Jhoanna.

She thinks she's only able to survive them because of all the people surrounding her. Gwen and Mikha quietly stuck by her side, while Sheena, Stacey, Colet, and Aiah kept on engaging her in conversations from time to time. 

Even Maloi's parents would check in on her constantly, and despite their own grief at losing their child, they never failed to make sure that Jhoanna is as alright as she can be given the situation.

Maloi's siblings too, were always within arms' reach, as if they were afraid that she'd fall apart at any given second. She knows that's what everyone's thinking. Because that's what she overheard from their hushed conversations during one of the times she wasn't lost in her own head.

They're afraid she'd break soon, since it was her who was with Maloi during the last moments of her life. Since it was in her arms that Maloi took her last breath. And she perfectly understands their worry.

Jhoanna appreciates their concern, really. She wants to reassure them that she's as alright as she can be, that they don't have to worry as much. But there's still the emptiness that's festering inside her chest, eating away at her heart with each passing day.

She also feels remorseful towards everyone because she knows, and she feels, that they're all trying to push their grieving to the backseat just to accommodate her. But she also knows that when they're out of her reach, when they think she couldn't see or hear them, it's the moment they let themselves fall apart and grieve for their loss.

She's aware because, on the third night, when all the guests have left for their own homes and Colet volunteered to stay up to let everyone else catch up on some much-needed sleep, Jhoanna unintentionally caught Colet standing in front of the casket, biting down on her closed fist to muffle the sobs that wracked her entire body.

Jhoanna was woken up from her slumber that time by a recurring nightmare, which is another story in its entirety. And she was on her way to the kitchen for a glass of water, when she thought of checking in on Maloi and Colet for a brief moment. But the sight that greeted her broke her heart. The sound of Colet's muffled sobs, and the look of pure heartbreak in her eyes, was so painful to hear and see.

And the thought of their other friends, and Maloi's family, breaking down like that, served to only break her heart even further.

She resolved to herself that she'd try her best to alleviate some of the concern they felt for her, just so that they'd be more comfortable being open about their grief around her.

So during the times that she feels fine enough to interact with another soul, she tries her hardest to engage with the others. She'd be able to join in on the conversations of those around her, and even offer them a wistful smile. She was even able to chuckle at some of the jokes that Sheena and Stacey would drop from time to time - an obvious attempt at trying to lighten up the mood.

Eventually, her friends and Maloi's family felt reassured enough that they slowly let themselves weep and be somber even in her presence. And that brought some sort of comfort to Jhoanna's aching soul. 

Maloi is so loved.

Jhoanna was doing so much better - she was handling things better than she initially expected - that she thought her progress would continue until the last day. She even stopped having the nightmare that kept her awake and reeling during the past nights.

But on the last night, after Aiah was able to convince her and Colet to take a quick nap because they've been awake for two days straight, the nightmare came back with a vengeance. And this time, it was more vicious, more heartbreaking, more detailed than the last time.

Jhoanna finds herself at the beach, the view of the seas reflecting the canvas that is the early evening skies is so picturesque that it momentarily takes her breath away.

There's someone else standing some distance away, facing the horizon and back facing her. Jhoanna recognizes the figure from the silhouette alone, and she feels her heart jump start inside her chest. 

Disbelief takes root in her heart as she takes slow, careful steps towards the other person, stopping in her tracks when she's just a couple of feet away. She stands, frozen in place, her tired mind unable to register the fact that she's there and just within arms' reach.

Maloi .

"Mal-"

Jhoanna's voice gets caught in her throat when the other person suddenly turns around to face her. The pure, unadulterated loathing in Maloi's eyes sends a chill running down Jhoanna's spine. There's not a single trace of gentleness or love in those eyes that she adores so much, and Jhoanna feels her blood run cold at the sight.

"How could you?"

There's so much hatred dripping from Maloi's voice that it catches Jhoanna off-guard. There's something absolutely wrong , because her Maloi would never look or talk to her like that. Jhoanna feels her chest tighten, a terrible sense of hurt exploding in her heart as her poor brain tries to make sense of what's happening.

"Iniwan mo ako, Jhoanna! Nangako ka na hindi mo ako iiwan. Pero anong ginawa mo? Iniwan mo pa din ako! This is all your fault, Jhoanna. And I hate you with every fiber of my being!"

Each word that slipped past Maloi's lips was like venom that was slowly killing Jhoanna inside. She knows it's not true. She knows her Maloi never hated her even after the breakup. She knows her Maloi never blamed her for their separation. Because her Maloi spent every waking moment reminding her so after their reunion.

But she also knows that deep inside, there's a part of her that blames herself. 

If she wasn't such a coward, if only she was mature enough to just talk it out with Maloi instead of ending things between the two of them, then they could've spent more time together. Then, she wouldn't have been plagued with so much regret.

Her heart hurts so much at the thought, and Jhoanna falls to her knees on the sand as she bursts into a heart-wrenching sob. Maloi walks over, standing over her and the look of contempt in the older woman's eyes sends daggers straight to her heart.

'This is all your fault, Jhoanna' keeps repeating in her head as apology after apology spills from her trembling lips. She all but begs for Maloi's forgiveness, all the while the latter just gives her a cold look. And it kills her inside, so she continues to wail until her throat hurts, the anguish and desperation so evident in her already hoarse voice.

"JHOANNA!"

Jhoanna shoots up from the bed, panting and completely discombobulated. Somehow, her hazy mind registers that she's sat up on the bed, and Stacey is knelt in front of her while clutching at her shoulders tightly. The other woman has tears spilling down her cheeks, and it's only then that Jhoanna notices her own.

Letting her gaze wander around the room, she sees that all of her friends are there, each one of them in varying states of tears. She can glean the worry in their tear-filled eyes, and the first thing that comes to her mind is how she worried them yet again.

But the dream, and Maloi's hatred, felt so real that it left her in a daze. Before she can fully recover, Stacey's gently pulling her forward and encasing her in a tight embrace.

"Shhhh . . . It's okay Jho. Panaginip lang. Nandito kami. We got you, okay?"

Stacey's soft voice and the warmth that her hug provided were enough to make Jhoanna burst into another round of sobs. She knows. She knows that it was only just a dream, because the reality is that Maloi is gone. And after that night, she's never, ever going to see her again. And the realization fucking hurts so much that it sends her into a panic.

So she lets herself cry, not even bothering to hold anything back, because oh God Maloi is really, truly gone . She cries and she sobs and she wails until she can no more, her hands tightly clutching the back of Stacey's shirt in a desperate attempt at grounding herself.

Jhoanna thought that she was fine, thought that she could handle the loss. Unfortunately for her, her brain finally caught up with the reality that the love of her life, the one person she loved and fell in love with, is now gone forever. And it leaves her feeling paralyzed and desperately wishing that everything was just one long, stupid nightmare.

Oh, what she'd give just to wake up and realize that this is all just a dream.

"Natutulog ka pa ba, Jhoanna?"

Jhoanna lets out a sigh as she tears her gaze away from her cup of coffee to look at her companion. Kathryn gives her her signature no-nonsense look, and Jhoanna slumps on her seat in resignation.

It's been roughly a month since Maloi's funeral - Jhoanna's heart still aches at the mere thought of her - and Jhoanna was all but forced by Colet and Aiah to go out and meet Kathryn for coffee.

She understands why her friends had been adamant about dragging her out though. Because the past few weeks were spent with her trying to drown herself with work. It's a good distraction, to say the least. And during the times that her mind is a little too cruel and haunts her with nightmares, she drinks herself to sleep.

It's been her life since losing Maloi, and although not the most ideal, she's able to get by. Her friends think otherwise, though. So when they all felt that they'd given her enough time to mope and isolate herself, they started dragging her out from her home little by little.

"I try to . . ." she starts answering, before sighing yet again as her fingers start fiddling with her cup.

"The nightmares are still plaguing you?" the older woman prompts, to which Jhoanna responds with a nod of her head.

It's Kathryn's turn to sigh this time, and a contemplative look settles on her features as she looks at Jhoanna. The attention flusters the latter a bit, so she busies herself by lifting her cup and taking a sip of her drink to busy herself.

"I think alam ko na why Cols and Queenie were adamant about me meeting up and spending time with you."

At the mention of Maloi's best friends' name, Jhoanna's head snaps up to look at the woman sitting across from her. There's a knowing smile on Kathryn's lips as she lets out a deep breath.

"Do you remember Nadz?"

She hasn't heard that name in such a long time that Jhoanna is a little surprised at the mention, especially since it's Kathryn who brought her up.

Of course, she knows who Nadine is. Maloi, Aiah, and Colet always spoke of her fondly. She knows all about Ate Nadz, even the relationship the woman had with her current companion, because the trio of best friends always liked to talk about her.

At Jhoanna's responding nod, Kathryn couldn't help but chuckle.

"Nakwento sayo nung tatlong itlog?" Kathryn asks in amusement.

"Mhmm," was Jhoanna's curt reply.

"Have we ever told you guys why we called those three that?"

Jhoanna shakes her head.

Kathryn smiles fondly.

"Ah. As you all know, Jea, Jane, and I met the three of them during high school through Nadz. They were all freshmen then, and haven't lost their baby fats yet. Ang chubby chubby ng cheeks nila noon that they looked like eggs. Hence the Tatlong Itlog."

The two of them share a chuckle at that, before a brief moment of comfortable silence settles over them.

"Anyway, ayun nga. I'm sure Mal or Cols have mentioned that there was something between Nadz and me back then. But unlike you and Mal, we didn't date each other. Masyado kasi akong focused sa academics at goals ko that time."

Kathryn pauses and gets this distant look in her eyes, as if reminiscing moments from a past long gone. 

Jhoanna keeps her mouth shut, because she knows perfectly well how heart-clenching and overwhelming a wave of nostalgia is when it hits.

"Ang plano ko noon, I was going to pursue something with her in college. When we've both matured and experienced life a bit more. We were both young back then, but we knew that what we had was real, that our feelings were more than just fleeting. And we fought a lot about that, because she wanted something more, tapos ako hindi pa ready. The first weekend after high school graduation, we had our biggest fight to date."

There's another pause. Kathryn seemed to be a little emotional as her eyes shone with unshed tears.

Jhoanna stays mum as she lets the older woman gather herself.

"I thought we still had time. Akala ko marami pa akong oras para makipag-ayos sa kanya, kaya hindi na muna ako nakipagbati. Imagine my surprise when, the morning after, my mother woke me up crying and telling me that Nadz is gone."

This, Jhoanna didn't know. And a new-found admiration blooms in her heart for the other woman as she looks at Kathryn in a new light.

"In a way, I know how overwhelming your regret is. Because I have a shit ton of it too. And I've had my fair share of nightmares over the years. The first few months are the hardest, kasi your wounds are still fresh. And the memories are still vivid. I'm sure there are also times when you remember her and it feels a lot like getting the breath knocked out of your lungs, right?"

Jhoanna nods.

Kathryn smiles despondently.

"I-"

"Go on. Ask. I'm more than willing to answer any question you have."

"Does it ever stop? The pain, the heartbreak, the longing . . ."

"Honestly?"

Kathryn's smile turns a little more dismal.

"It doesn't. But you eventually learn how to live with it. And by then, life will get a little bit more bearable again."

"You need to get away for a while."

Jhoanna stops mid-chop to look up at Kathryn who was sitting at her dining table. 

It's now been two months since Maloi's passing, and Jhoanna can't really say if things have improved for her. Because most of the time, it still feels much like she's stuck in a never-ending cycle of hurting and missing Maloi. One major change since her meetup with Kathryn weeks ago though, is that the older woman has made it a habit to visit Jhoanna at her place at least once a week.

And Jhoanna appreciates it very much. Finding a kindred soul in Kathryn had been a huge help to her coping with her loss, and she's very grateful towards the older woman for being there for her ever since.

"What are you talking about?" Jhoanna asks as she continues chopping the vegetables for the dish she's cooking.

"Ngayon ko lang talaga na-observe nang mabuti tong place mo, and it's so obvious that this entire space is full of memories of Mal. Even the pastel yellow paint of the walls screams Mal, for Pete's sake. No wonder you're constantly being plagued by nightmares."

Kathryn pauses and lets out a deep sigh when she notices that Jhoanna's hands have stopped chopping again. Her heart honestly hurts for her younger friend, and more than anything, the Jhoanna she sees in front of her reminds Kathryn so much of her younger self.

The one that was so lost, so broken, and so grief-stricken after losing the love of her life.

It's also why she's been trying her best to guide Jhoanna as the latter navigates life after losing Maloi. Because even though she had her family and friends back when it was her in Jhoanna's shoes, none of them really fully understood how it felt to lose the greatest love of their life. And she's determined to be that person for Jhoanna.

A wistful smile settles on Kathryn's lips as she thinks of Maloi. She remembers a pudgy, bright-eyed girl with the brightest smile and the biggest dreams, and she thinks she prefers to forever remember Maloi that way. 

So vibrant. 

So beautiful. 

So full of life.

It was Maloi's bright and loving personality that helped Kathryn survive some of the darkest periods of her life, and she's determined to help out the people her favorite munchkin loved as best as she can.

And as she stared at the haunted, broken look in Jhoanna's eyes, all Kathryn could do was get up from her seat and walk to the younger woman to wrap her in a tight embrace.

"Okay lang na unahin mo ang sarili mo, Jho. You're not going to forget her if you go away for a while, trust me on that. Besides, you wouldn't be able to, even if you wanted to."

Kathryn pulls back a little, a small, encouraging smile on her lips. When she notices the tears streaming down Jhoanna's cheeks, she reaches a hand up and wipes them away with the pads of her thumbs.

"Move out, go and visit a country, basta get away from here for a bit. You can even sell this place if you want to. Basta try to heal yourself muna, away from things that would constantly remind you of Mal, yeah?"

Jhoanna is looking at the ground, unable to meet her gaze. And Kathryn feels her heart clench a little at the anguish she sees in those pretty eyes.

"And when you finally reach the point where you no longer feel like breaking at the mere mention of her name, you can come back home to all of your memories of and with her. Sarili mo muna, Jho."

Jhoanna's sobbing at this point, and Kathryn feels for her friend. Gingerly, she pulls the younger woman closer and wraps her up in another tight hug, hoping that at the very least, her embrace could bring the slightest comfort to the latter.

"I'm sure that if Mal were here, that's what she'd want for you too."

ONE YEAR LATER

It's been a while.  

Jhoanna lets out a deep breath as she steps foot inside her favorite cafe more than a year after losing Maloi.

The place is as homey and cozy as she remembers, the aroma of coffee permeating through the whole establishment. Given that it's still so early in the morning, the shop is expectedly almost deserted save for a couple of early birds having their breakfast meals or just a cup of hot coffee.

A small smile settles on Jhoanna's lips when she sees that Maloi's favorite booth is unoccupied. With slow, languid steps, she heads on over and takes a seat, the feel of the familiar leather cushions beneath her sending a wave of nostalgia coursing through her.

Her smile turns wistful as her mind's eye sees a pair of vibrant brown eyes looking up at her and the most beautiful smile. And like clockwork, she feels her heart clench at the memory.

It has indeed been a while. And while Jhoanna can say that she's finally faring a lot better these days, the road to get to the point where she is now has still been very difficult and painful.

She no longer breaks down at the mere mention of Maloi's name, and she can handle reminiscing memories about the older woman without shedding any tears. But as Kathryn had told her more than a year ago at this very cafe, the pain, the grief, and the longing are still very much there.

She's just become better at handling her own emotions over time.

They're like a part of her now, and she's come to accept the fact that they're never really truly ever going away.

Jhoanna was about to get up and head to the counter when a woman passed by her booth on the way to the bathroom. As soon as she stood up, she felt her knees buckle, and she would've collapsed to the floor had she not been able to sit herself down on the booth again.

The woman's perfume, which lingered long before she left, is the same brand of perfume that Maloi loved so much. The familiar sweet, citrus scent sends Jhoanna reeling. Her heart is racing inside her chest, and her lungs constrict painfully at the familiarity of it all.

Tears instantly spring up her eyes and Jhoanna has to bite at her lips to stop a sob from slipping out. Taking in deep, controlled breaths, she tries her best to calm herself long enough to be able to get away from the cafe as fast as possible without falling apart.

So much for thinking she's made a lot of progress. Because, as her feet take her away from that place as fast as possible, Jhoanna couldn't help but desolately feel like she's back to step one.

Jhoanna feels her heart clench the moment she enters the apartment she used to share with Maloi.

The place - like Aiah and Colet have promised - is kept in pristine condition. Everything is so well-maintained that to Jhoanna, it feels like she never left.

A year ago, when she decided to heed Kathryn's advice about moving away for a while, Jhoanna considered selling this place. The moment she brought it up with Maloi's best friends, Colet and Aiah all but begged her not to. They even promised to cover the maintenance of the place just so she wouldn't sell it. 

And though she found their reaction to be a bit absurd, Jhoanna relented to the older women's request. And now that she's standing in the midst of it again, she feels a little grateful that the two of them convinced her to not let go of this unit.

Letting out a forlorn sigh, Jhoanna makes her way to the room that used to serve as Maloi's office. The moment she mentioned to her friends that she felt ready to come back, Colet tried her best to convince her to head inside that room first thing.

Curiosity got the best of her, and so Jhoanna found herself heading towards that very room as soon as she arrived.

The moment she stepped foot inside, her gaze zeroes in on the box sitting atop Maloi's desk. She doesn't know why, but everything else fades to the background and the only thing she could focus on is that God damn box.                                        

With tentative steps, she heads towards the desk and picks the item up. It looks old - even a little beaten up - but the moment she saw her name scribbled on the cover in Maloi's familiar loopy writing, Jhoanna's heart momentarily putter to a stop.

She falls into a daze after that, her recollection of what happened after is hazy at best. But the next moment she comes to, she's already sitting on the couch in the living room, the box opened and resting on her lap. When she looks down at its contents, she feels her heart drop the moment she sees all the CDs inside.

Each CD has its own casing, and there's a date scribbled on each of them. One particular date catches Jhoanna's eyes, and with shaky hands, she goes and picks it up. 

The date written is three months after their break up, and it holds significance to Jhoanna because it was also the very last time Maloi reached out to her. That is, before she got sick and became desperate enough to seek Jhoanna out.

The memory sends a sharp pang of pain to Jhoanna's heart, but she ignores it in favor of walking towards the DVD player and putting the disc inside. Once done setting up, she walks back and settles down on the couch again, waiting for the contents of the disc to play.

It's a video , and as soon as she sees Maloi's beautiful face on the screen, Jhoanna feels a lump lodge in her throat.

Oh, how she missed seeing that face so.

Quietly, Jhoanna reaches for one of the couch pillows and hugs it tightly to her chest as her gaze remains fixated on the screen. Specifically, on Maloi's face.

Jhoanna's first tear rolls down her cheek at the same time Maloi in the video speaks, the older woman's voice providing both comfort and anguish to Jhoanna's very battered heart.

"Is this recording? God, bakit ba ang hirap netong iset up?"

Maloi's muttering is accompanied by the camera shaking and going out of focus. Jhoanna has half a heart to chuckle, because the older woman did tend to struggle with electronics from time to time.

It takes a while, but the camera steadies again, and the sight that greets Jhoanna is the view of Maloi's home office. The same home office where she got the CDs just a moment ago. Maloi enters the frame again, and Jhoanna's heart races when she recognizes the shirt that the older woman is wearing.

It's Jhoanna's old college tee, the one she thought she lost many, many moons ago. Maloi takes a seat on her office chair, her gaze focusing on the camera as she lets out a wry smile.

"Hindi ko alam kung bakit ko to ginagawa, sa totoo lang. Sabi ni Aiah, journaling helps to sort one's feelings out if everything becomes too much to bear. I'm too lazy to write things down, so I guess this is a better option for me."

Maloi chuckles, but there's not a hint of amusement in her voice. When Jhoanna remembers that they've just recently broken up when the older woman recorded this, guilt starts to gnaw at her heart.

"I'm not sure who to address when speaking, so I guess I'd go with you na lang, Tintin ko. Hindi ko alam if I'd be keeping this long enough to show to you in the future, but the thought of speaking to you, kahit dito lang, is comforting so I'll stick with that. And yes, I'm claiming na meron pa tayong future together. Kasi I refuse to accept the fact na hindi ikaw ang endgame ko."

A pause.

Maloi smiles wistfully.

Jhoanna's heart clenches.

"Ang daya mo sa part na it was you who made me promise to stay, pero ikaw naman yung unang bumitaw. Pero alam mo kung ano yung mas madaya? Yun yung part na, kahit pa ikaw yung nang-iwan, hindi ko magawang magalit sayo. I can't even bring myself to resent or blame you even a little bit. Wala eh, mahal na mahal kasi talaga kita."

Maloi sighs. 

Then she looks away for a while, and there is only silence.

However, there is a storm of emotions raging inside Jhoanna, and she could do nothing but let them fester.

"I tried contacting you again earlier. Pero hindi mo na naman sinagot. Either you're intentionally ignoring my calls. Or you changed your phone and your number. Either way, I think that would be the last for now. Napaisip din ako sa sinabi ni Cols last time eh. Biruin mo yun, si Colet, nagbibigay ng life advice. Shocking, I know."

The playful, sarcastic tone makes Jhoanna chuckle.

"Anyway, tama naman siya. The wounds in our hearts are still fresh, and I also think the time apart would do the two of us some good. Once okay na ulit ako, hahanapin kita. I know your feelings have changed, pero I'm determined to win you back in the future. Kasi hindi talaga ako papayag na hindi ikaw ang makakasama ko sa pagtanda."

Another pause. This time, a bit longer than the last.

"For now, I'll focus on myself na lang muna. I know there were times when you got frustrated at my immaturity. So I'll work on that. I'll work on myself, so that I'd become a version of Lucky who you'll always be proud of. And I'll start working harder. Diba your dream is to have three kids, two dogs, two cats, and a beautiful house?"

Maloi gets a distant look in her eyes as the corners of her lips curl up into a small, fond smile. When she focuses on the camera again, the intensity of her gaze leaves Jhoanna breathless.

"I'll work hard so I can save up for that future. Kasi the moment na balikan kita, Tintin ko? Trust that sa simbahan agad ang diretso natin. Papakasalan kita agad agad din, and I will never ever let you go ever again. Living without you doesn't feel like living at all. So maghintay ka lang, ah? Babawiin pa kita. Mahal na mahal kita, Tintin ko. Until the next time."

Once the video ends, Jhoanna finds herself bursting into laughter at the absurdity of it all. Had there been another person to witness her state after that video, they would've been very concerned. Because Jhoanna was laughing almost hysterically as tears continued to stream down her cheeks.

While what Maloi said in the video is true - Jhoanna did leave her first - in the end, it was still Jhoanna who was left alone.

So she laughs. And she cries. Because she honestly doesn't know how else to react. 

Her gaze then lands on her left hand, on the diamond nestled on a thin, silver band, and the simple golden band resting on her ring finger.

Then she sobs - unbidden and raw and frantic - at the reminder.

As it turns out, she's more of a hopeless romantic than she initially thought after all.

And as she continues to break apart, she couldn't help but think how she misses Maloi so.