Chapter Text
Regulus Black is, to say the very least, very anxious.
He’s, in general, an anxious person. It hasn’t really been a problem on a daily basis, one could say it often even comes in handy considering his extremely strict, and not at all pleasant, parents. He’s quite often walking on his tiptoes around the house and it helps him avoid any trouble.
Because Regulus may be young, but he’s observant and he learns. What he’s learned up till now, in the 15 years of his life, is that avoiding trouble should be one of your priorities.
His brother definitely isn’t the person to follow this rule - and that’s why now, on September 1st, Regulus is all alone on platform 9 ¾. He’s spent the whole summer all alone (or with his parents, which is even worse), since the incident with Sirius.
And don’t get him wrong - he knows it’s all fucked up. He knows that Sirius did a good thing by running away. He knows he should’ve stood up more. Protect him like Sirius always protected him.
But apart from being an anxious person, Regulus is often also a coward. He’s kinda aware of that, not that this awareness makes him less uncomfortable in his own skin - it does the opposite. The thing is, he tried to be more rebellious, to disagree with his mother, to side with Sirius. But when everything went downhill, he was just scared.
He’s not Sirius, even though he wishes he could be.
Regulus walks into the train, trying not to show how uncomfortable he feels. He lifts up his chin, huffs his black curls out of his face, and starts looking for his friends in the compartments. Suddenly, he feels his hair being ruffled by somebody’s hand and his heart bumps heavily with irritation.
“What the…”
“Reggie!!” Barty speaks from behind him, with Evan also right there, pushing through the crowd of students.
Regulus rolls his eyes at them. Sincerely.
“I know you missed us, you little shit” Barty continues and nods towards one of the compartments, where they apparently already settled.
“Hiya, Reg, long time” Evan smiles at him with a glint in his eye.
Regulus fixes his hair and walks behind his friends.
They might actually be the closest people he has right now. It’s complicated with his parents - he wouldn’t call them very close. They’re important, family is very important - but they’re not particularly close.
And it’s even more complicated with Sirius now.
“As chatty as ever, Black” Barty says, laying his head on Evan’s thighs and stretching his legs over the seats.
“Somebody’s gonna sit there, you know,” Regulus says and looks at Barty’s shoes with disgust.
Barty laughs and continues, “Yeah, anyway. How’s your summer?”
Regulus’ eyes drop.
“I’ve heard about Sirius, y’know” Evan says and looks at Regulus encouragingly, “Salazar’s beard, what happened? He’s… a lot, generally, so I guess not every simple thing can kick him out of the house”
“I don’t wanna talk about it,” Regulus replies, earning pitiful looks from his two friends. He knows he can trust them - it’s just too difficult to just speak about. Those kinds of stuff always are.
“Sure, but you know, people talk,” Barty says and Evan elbows him on his back.
“What the fuck, Barty, he’s basically lost his brother-”
“I didn’t lose anyone,” Regulus interrupts. He’s super tense now and feels like he can’t breathe properly, “We’ll be as we always were. He’s just not coming home”
“You weren’t even particularly close at Hogwarts up till now,” Barty mumbles.
“We were, when we were at home. Hogwarts is… difficult. People are difficult”
“And those are tough times. Again - people talk,” Barty adds and turns his head towards Regulus “My father, as annoying as he is, says things are more… tense now”
“Cause of this Riddle guy?” Evan looks at him.
Regulus frowns. He hates this conversation. Why can’t it all be like before? Why do things change at all? After this terrible, terrible summer, all he wanted to do was talk about homework, Barty’s crazy opinions after spending that much time at home, and laugh internally at Evan’s crisis every time Barty does… anything. Like now. He stretches over Evan’s lap, reaches for his wand, whispers a spell and raises an empty chocolate frog’s packet to float in the air.
Evan zones out for a bit, focused on Barty and his magic, and then flinches and looks at Regulus again. Regulus smirks.
“Anyway,” Regulus rolls his eyes slightly, “How’s your summer been?”
“Hot and boring,” Evan answers, relaxing in his seat “I’ve been to France with my mom but I basically spent it reading and eavesdropping on her conversations with my father”
“He wasn’t there with you?” Regulus asks, concerned.
“Nope,” he answers “He’s constantly at work now, at the ministry. Also says it’s a tough time”
“The adults’ gone crazy or something,” Barty comments.
“As usual, I’d say. I couldn’t wait to come back here” Regulus sighs.
“Awww, Reggie, I knew you missed us”
Regulus rolls his eyes at Barty but fights a small smile.
“I told you not to call me that,” he says, annoyed with the nickname.
They spend most of the way to the castle catching up with each other and talking over the subjects they’ll study this semester. Barty, clearly missing using magic through the summer, constantly annoys his two friends by changing their hair colour (and, fortunately, turning it back) and floating stuff all over the place.
“It’s honestly annoying that all magic comes so effortlessly to you,” Regulus complains, chewing on jelly candy. He’s missed unlimited sweets so much .
“You’re saying that as you’re not the top of the class,” Barty answers, points his wand at Regulus, and makes his hair pink.
“I’m gonna kill you, you know that?”
Barty grins widely at him.
“You love me too much”
“I don’t, one day you’ll wake up and this stupid wand of yours will be in pieces”
“That’s a praiseworthy idea, Reg” Evan adds “A lot of people would be appreciate it”
“At least I’m not as annoying as those Gryffindor twats playing dumb all over the castle, disturbing everybody”
“Will you stop talking about him?!” Evan blurts, annoyed at the mention of Sirius’ friend group, notorious pranksters.
“I didn’t say anyone’s name!” he says, defensively, “Besides, everybody knows how they terrorize the whole school and think they’re funny”
Regulus’ head is spinning again. Sirius really seems to be the center of the universe or something.
“Have any of you seen Dorcas, anyway?” Regulus changes the topic swiftly.
“Not yet, we went looking straight for you” Evan replies. Regulus’ heart fills with a sudden warmth.
He stands from his seat to stretch his legs and walks up to open the door.
“I’m gonna look for her, I missed her a lot”
“You never say such sweet things about us” Barty pouts at him
“I’d rather eat a frog—”
“REGGIE!”
Why does everybody call him that now? He thought it ended when he turned ten. He feels ready to talk back to the person, but in a second he realizes whose voice that was.
“Sirius?”
His brother walks up to him in the corridor, looking… Better than ever.
“Here you are, I wanted to see you so badly,” he says as he hugs Regulus tightly. Uncomfortable , he thinks, but he missed his brother too much to break the hug.
When they part, Regulus notices the curious eyes of Evan and Barty - he quickly flicks his wand to lower the curtains in their compartment. Brows furrowed, he turns back to Sirius.
“How’re you, Reggie? Are you okay? Have they done anything to you? You know I wanted to see you but Effie said it’s—”
“Hey, it’s okay. I’m… totally okay. I’ve just missed you, I didn’t even know where you were…” his voice starts to tremble.
“Y’know I couldn’t tell you… But I’m with James now, his parents are the best. They say you can also come whenever—”
Wait, wait, wait. Regulus frowns again.
“Sirius, what’re you talking about? We’re coming to school, I don’t need any saving”
“Yes, I know,” he raises his eyebrows, “but, you know. You know how they are”
“I know, I’ve been alone at home with maman and papa for those few weeks”
“Have they given you shit for me?” Sirius’ face saddens, he seems full of guilt, the stressful events from almost two months ago suddenly so visible on him.
“It’s… it’s okay. They don’t want to scare me away, I think” Regulus bites his lip, stressed about the whole conversation. Somehow, he imagined his reunion with Sirius to be more… normal. Like if they could erase everything that happened and talk about playing Quidditch in the backyard, “Now that it’s just me”.
“I’m so sorry, Reg. You know I didn’t have a choice,” Sirius rests his back on the wall and slides downwards slightly, now being eye-to-eye with his brother.
“You always do. But I don’t blame you, it’s okay”
“No, but I didn’t. I didn’t have a choice,” he looks at Regulus desperately. “I need you to understand. I’d never leave you there otherwise”
“Please, let’s not talk about it,” Regulus practically begs, feeling his head spin. “Go back to your friends. I just wanted to see Dorcas”
Sirius straightens his back and looks at Regulus with sad eyes. “I missed you, Reg”
“I did, too,” Regulus answers, sorrow in his voice.
He then turns away, giving his brother a last, sad look, and walks down the corridor. He was planning to find his friend, but he suddenly feels overwhelmed with the conversation, its weight gravitating on him.
Regulus struggles to breathe as he finally finds an empty compartment and barges through the door, closing it with a loud thud. He doesn’t have the headspace to care about the windows and other students being able to see him - he just starts hyperventilating, not being able to hold the knot in his chest longer.
He cannot breathe. He falls to the ground, pulls his legs to his chest.
You know what to do, you know what to do…
He tries to focus his mind on his fingers, on his heartbeat, and breathe deeply. He feels tears forming in his eyes - but he doesn’t let them flow. He tenses his body again, regardless of its tired protests. He will not allow those emotions to come.
He steadies his breath, slowly, very slowly, relaxing. He’s now sitting in this small, empty space, and notices that the sky is getting more and more dark. They’re approaching the castle.
Looking around the compartment, he tries to prepare himself mentally for school. He doesn’t really have time for breakdowns - the OWLs are coming. He cannot fail. He cannot afford it - he needs to be perfect. He’s not like Sirius - can’t take being treated as him when he failed at something. He might love his parents. but he’s not stupid and blind to their behaviour.
Regulus hides his face in his arms, still hugging his legs tightly. He sighs loudly and tries to free his mind of everything that happened. It’s okay. Everything’s normal. Home is okay.
Well, shit. If that’s just his train journey to school, he hopes that it’s not a sneak peek of the school year of any sort.
After enough time passes for his legs to start cramping (and for the train to actually stop), Regulus walks up to the door to try to catch up with Barty and Evan. Hopeful that his little breakdown has not left any marks on his appearance, he runs his hand through his hair and tries to follow the loud voices of the students.
As he walks up to the corridor, his body collides with somebody else and he almost falls to the ground. I’ve seen enough of this dirty floor today , he thinks.
“Hi there, baby Black. No need to rush,” he hears the voice of Sirius’ best friend, James Potter.
Regulus moans with annoyance at his tone. He really doesn’t like this guy. Isn’t it him with whom Sirius lives now? They’re always together, anyway.
The better brother.
“Don’t call me that, Potter,” he snarls and shoves through him but feels a strong push towards the compartment.
“Wait a second. I’ve got to talk to you,” says James, his eyes concerned but voice stern. He’s gotten taller. Normally, Regulus wouldn’t notice, but right now he’s calculating his escape plan and it seems that his chances for it being successful are quite low.
“What’d you want? Make it quick if you don’t want us going back to London”
“No worries, Reggie”
“Don’t call me that” Regulus repeats automatically and crosses his arms. James laughs slightly at that.
“I’ve just come to talk about Sirius,” well, obviously. Regulus rolls his eyes as James clears his throat and continues, “I don’t want you to meddle in.”
“What? He’s my brother. What do you even mean?”
“I mean, he was doing perfectly fine until today. And believe me that it took a lot of work,” Regulus’ breath hitches at that. He knows he fucked up, he knows Sirius was hurt. He doesn’t need a stranger to tell him that. “He didn’t give me any reason to worry until he met you today, here on the train. He came back… unwell”
Regulus frowned, not knowing what he meant. Well, obviously - Regulus wasn’t feeling well after the conversation with his brother. But he did nothing wrong, how would he hurt Sirius?
“I don’t want you to ruin him, piece by piece, like the rest of your family. He’s better than them”
“So now, Potter, you’re saying I’m just like those adults that tortured him?” Regulus spits, angry at the comparison. He’s a coward but he’s not a monster - and he’ll not be made one. “He’s my brother, I need him, you’ll not take him away” he adds, his voice not so steady anymore. It’s almost begging.
A sign of worry flashes through James’ face. He shakes his head and continues,
“I’m just saying… don’t. Don’t ruin what he’s been working on for the last few weeks,” James’ voice changes, he doesn’t seem harsh anymore.
Regulus looks at him from under the hair falling on his face and tries to say what he feels without actually saying it out loud. They should come up with a spell like that, he thinks.
James nods at him, with both understanding and a challenge in his eyes, and he walks out of the door. Regulus is alone, and he’s scared again. This summer will haunt him forever.
***
“What is wrong with you? Or what is not wrong with you, actually?”
“You wouldn’t have this issue if you weren’t bloody looking into my brain on a daily basis!” Sirius screams straight into their mothers’ face, eyes filled with rage. He’s holding the edge of the table, just as her, they both look like they’re about to start physically fighting in any second.
Which obviously wouldn’t happen. Walburga Black would rather poke herself to death with her wand than not use magic for such an occasion.
“You will not speak to me like this,” she says, voice weirdly steady.
“Respectez votre mère, c'est une famille noble, pas un cirque,” their father adds. He usually rarely speaks at all.
“I’m done with you, Sirius. I don’t know what to do,” their mother says in a quiet voice, hands now cradling her own face.
“Do whatever, just leave me alone,” Sirius says, but mother isn’t listening. She’s walking around him now, like a hunter looking at their prey.
“That’s the last straw, you know. You’re this family’s heir, and you… You’re just…” Sirius rolls his eyes at his mother’s quiet breakdown.
Too quiet. Regulus is used to screaming.
“I’ll not allow this. We’ll arrange somebody. There’ll be no boys in your head anymore,” she says, more to herself than to Sirius, “Yes, that’s it. I’ll teach you how to be normal”
“You’re crazy, mom. I’m going to my room”
“You’re not going anywhere, Sirius,” she draws her wand at him, “You’ll stay here and learn to listen to me. I’m done with your behaviour, you’re almost an adult”
“I’m not, but whatever,” Sirius replies, rocking on his chair, arms crossed. He seems relaxed, but deep inside - he’s completely scared. She shouldn’t have gone through his things, shouldn’t have found his photos, his valentine’s day card, and shouldn’t have used legilimency on him.
“Sirius Black. You’ll not disrespect me and your family anymore,” she says, wand aimed at her son. Regulus stands in the back of the room, near his father’s chair.
“It seems like we’ve got quite different ideas of what’s disrespectful here,” he replies, lifting his chin up.
Regulus doesn’t want to be there. He moves his legs, wants to leave, but suddenly feels frozen. His father holds his wrists and doesn’t let him move.
He hears his mother’s voice again.
“Crucio-”
Regulus wakes up covered in sweat, panting heavily. He looks around the room, panicked, wanting to run away. His eyes slowly get used to the darkness and he sees the boys’ dormitory. He sees Barty and Evan’s beds, as well as Avery’s.
His breath slowly steadies.
He crawls up from his bed, feeling the cold of the tiles on his feet. He looks around again, stretches his muscles, and curses in his head, knowing how sleepy and tired he’ll feel on his first day of school.
In the desperate need of an escape, he focuses his mind, his body, his magic . In a second, he doesn’t feel neither the cold nor the anxiety that filled his body just a moment ago.
He’s missed his animagus form. It’s quite a difficult bit of magic, and, obviously, it’s illegal for a 15-year old to do it. But Regulus… needed it. He needed to have a backup for escape, to know he could hide.
Regulus doesn’t often turn into a bloody cat just to avoid responsibilities. It’s for special occasions - that’s how he justifies it.
Anyway, it’s little to no worth bragging about being able to turn into a small cat. He could’ve been anything - even a dog would’ve been better. But he’s stuck with this form - and better this than nothing. Particularly considering the great amount of work it required him to do (especially not speaking for 3 months - although his parents didn’t notice anything, he felt quite bad not talking to Kreacher, the poor elf must’ve felt betrayed).
Nevertheless, there were certain advantages of being a (bloody small, black) cat. He could wander around the castle without being noticed at all. At first, he had a small beef with Mrs Norriss, but she came around. They’re on good terms now - although sometimes she’s jealous of the back scratches Regulus gets from students.
She shouldn’t be such a bitch to everybody, then.
Head empty of the nightmare (worse - a memory) that has woken Regulus up, he leaves the dorm and explores the common room. It’s completely empty - apparently, everybody’s too tired from the journey to party over the beginning of the year.
He slowly moves towards the entrance to the room, but it doesn’t open.
Well, shit, why can’t a cat go its own way in this stupid castle.
He jumps into one of the big sofas, stretches all his limbs, and curls into a ball. He feels the sleepiness overwhelm him again, and as he wants to come back to his room, he hears a quiet whisper right above him.
“Ooh, whose are you?” he immediately relaxes as he recognizes Dorcas’ voice. He looks at her curiously and she smiles at him with sleepy eyes. “You’re sooooo cute, am I dreaming?”
She lifts him up and hugs him. Regulus expresses his dissatisfaction, so she puts him away on the couch again.
“You’re a grumpy little one, aren’t you? I’ve seen you snuggle on the couch, cutie. You can’t fool me,” she smiles again, then yawns and rubs her eyes, “I’m going back to sleep but you, sweet thing, are always welcome in my room”.
Ugh. If only she knew that it’s him. Regulus loves Dorcas with all his heart, but that’s quite uncomfortable. Except the back scratches - they’re extremely comfortable. Please give him more.
As soon as Dorcas disappears and no one else is in sight, Regulus comes back to his room, lays in bed, and feels like he can now fall asleep again.
He’s missed the peace of not being himself. He’s quite a tiresome person to be.
Regulus drifts off to sleep, and the last thing he remembers is his brother’s warm hug.