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The snow covering the mountain tops was like a soft blanket, coating the original green and brown land with a nice white top that made it look like it was vanilla ice cream.
A soft blow over the hot cup of coffee in a mans’ hands blew its steam forward from the edge of the rim, he would then take a small sip to make sure he wouldn’t burn his tongue too badly, hopefully at all.
The man, Ennis Del Mar, stayed where he was standing on the balcony of the cabin within Brokeback Mountain, looking out across the plains where the barn stood in the valley, seeing a couple sheep and cows moving ‘round on the leveled snowy grounds, plus two horses. He sighed, feeling content with nature for a change.
Ennis never thought he would ever see this moment.. him, living in a cabin in Brokeback like Jack and him had always dreamed.. yet, Jack wasn’t here.
Well, he was, but he wasn’t currently with him. Jack was down in the city, shopping, getting groceries, and hopefully the supplies to start growing some vegetables and fruits at home to avoid leaving Brokeback so often.
‘He should be home soon’, Ennis thought, wondering how many more minutes, or even hours, he may have to wait to hear the rickety old truck pull up to the cabin’s gravel driveway that they built together.
Because they had built their own everything out there, they had relied on shitty radios, a record player, and themselves to make time pass quicker.
Hell, Ennis learned just about everything you could for vehicles at the time, especially since they housed a boxy old 1953 Chevrolet truck in the garage that stopped working a couple months into the cold winters up in Brokeback in 1975.
Ennis sighed, deciding to go sit by the fireplace with his coffee and turn on the television, thought it didn't work the greatest all the time it did for once, but of course, The Wheel of Fortune was on. It came out in January, very early January, like January 6th early January, it had been showing more often than Ennis would’ve preferred, but he didn’t care to watch the news anymore. Who knows what’d be on there this time of year. Especially since he just divorced his ex-wife now too.
Hours continued passing as he sat around the house, occasionally cleaning or looking to see if Jack had returned, but he wasn’t home yet. He had to continue relying on himself and the television or their record player as a distraction.
Since it was closing in on about five o’clock, he decided to go down to the barn and check on the animals.
Putting on a random flannel, he wasn’t sure if it was his or Jack’s, some jeans and socks, Jack’s fluffy jacket and some boots, he grabbed his hat as he made his way down the path to the barn in the valley opening.
When he got down there, the animals were pretty content, still having food and water, most harboring inside the barn for more warmth instead of wandering the cold, white covered plains they normally trotted around in and ate grass from.
Ennis watched them a little longer before taking a deep breath, which ached his chest in the cold, then exhaling softly, watching his breath move past his lips and into the air in soft cloud-like puffs of steam.
He liked watching it, though Jack would call him childish sometimes.
After watching the cows and sheep for a moment, listening to them moo and baah at him, he wandered over to the horses, patting his horse Ellie, which was a brown and white appaloosa, while Jack had a mustang that he named Forester, after the whiskey brand “Old Forester”.
Maybe they were alcoholics..
Either way, Ennis shook his head after petting the horses a couple times, humming a soft, low note, before leaving back up to the cabin.
He was growing cold in his few layers, wandering the snowy plains and slanted hills back up to the Cabin, which loomed over the plains with a nice view of the valley, the hilltops and the trees over on Brokeback’s mountain range.
He liked it here, a lot, and he’d only lived here about 5 years.. Which was odd to think about, knowing that he’d met Jack in 1963, and now suddenly living with him out in the mountains of the place they once worked.
‘Not so bad when it’s snow covered’, he hummed in thought as he wandered into the house, dusting himself off with a shiver and a shaky exhale, taking off his jacket and boots, wandering back over to the fireplace.
Sometimes, sometimes, Ennis wondered what life would be like back in town. Was Alma okay? Is she doing well with the kids? Do his own children hate him? Alma had recently actually filed for divorce this year, and he had gone down to sign it in the spring before leaving again..
It wasn’t the best to think about, but Jack never blamed him for it, he simply sat with him through it. Something Ennis wasn’t used to.
As time continued passing, reaching just about seven-thirty o’clock at night, Ennis heard a rickety old truck pulling up. It wasn’t that old, it was a 1966 model that Jack bought right before they went up to Brokeback, but it sounded old.
Ennis didn’t even have the energy to get up, sighing as the tension left his body when he heard Jack get out of the truck, whoopin’ and doing whatever he normally did with those weird noises as he faintly heard him try to jump and heel click.. which he then heard a loud “oh shit” as Jack fell forward.
That, Jack’s stupidity and goofiness, earned a smile out of the tired Ennis.
Once Jack got up the stairs, he noticed the porch lights were left on, probably Ennis looking out for Jack since it always ranged whenever he got home, and it was easier to get up the stairs with bags in your hands if the light was on. How thoughtful.
Jack hummed as he set one of the paper bags down, opening the door before picking it back up and walking inside, shutting the door behind him with his foot.
“I’m home, baby!” He called out loudly, unsure of where Ennis was in the house, or if he was even awake, knowing him.
As he stepped into the kitchen and set the bags down on the counter, he turned around to notice food still on the stove.
It was clear Ennis had eaten, but he had left some for Jack to eat.. That was real nice of him to do, leave food for him to eat.
Hell, the more Jack looked at it in slight uncertainty of what Ennis might be trying to do, the more he felt bad for how long it took him to return home.
Who knows how long Ennis had been waiting for him, when he ate dinner, or if he did anything but mope around the house…
Whatever, that was besides the point. Jack was home now, he could care for his mopey husband for the next few weeks, maybe even a month if he got lucky, before one of them would have to go down for more grocery supplies.
Jack let out a soft huff, turning back to hang up his hat and coat on the rack, taking off his boots and setting them next to the others previously placed there in orderly fashion, noticing, but not minding, the snow that lingered on Ennis’ boots and Jack’s secondary jacket that he left, which apparently Ennis took when he went down to the barn. Jack assumed it was for that, anyway.
The thought caused him to smile a little at it, finally starting to walk around, looking for Ennis.
“En, hunny, where are ya?” He asked with a bit of a giddy tone, eventually finding him in the living room.
He smiled brightly, almost giggling at how tired Ennis looked on the couch.
He ignored the slight glare he earned from calling Ennis ‘hunny’, instead immediately moving over and sitting beside his cowboy husband, curling against his side as he wrapped his arms around his torso, head resting on his shoulder, feeling Ennis wrap an arm around his waist.
“I got some crops for us to plant..some potatoes, couple o’ fruits, wheat..small things, y’know?” He said a little cheerfully, but the warmth had already engulfed him in a soft feeling that nearly drove him into an immediate slumber against Ennis. However, he refrained from the soon-to-be peaceful sleep for the time being.
He wanted to savor the way Ennis softly breathed, the gentle heaves of his chest as it rose and fell with each inhale and exhale of the air lingering around them, feeling his heart rate pick up with the slightest of movements Jack made, then settling slowly back down once he was comfy and still.
The softness of his shirt, the pajamas he wore and how his legs were splayed casually infront of him off the edge of the couch, how his arm was lightly, but comfily, draped over his waist, his thumb tracing circles against Jack’s side as he sat calmly against Ennis.
Though he wasn’t exactly smiling yet, it was clear Ennis was content with the slight huff he paired with a gentle pull at Jack, making sure he was close against his side, then pressing a light kiss to the top of his head against his slightly messy hat hair, leaning his cheek to press it against his head to rest.
“Welcome home, Jack.” He mumbled softly, which earned a soft hum from his lover.
“Thank you, En. Glad to be back home.”
“You ain’t gotta leave for a while, right? Truck is doin’ fine?”
“Truck is fine, Ennis. Swear on it, I know she sound ‘bit rickety, but it ain’t nothin’. Double triple checked the damn thing every stop I got on the road back out here, ‘s why it took me so damn long to get back to ya.”
Ennis paused after that, his hand freezing a moment before resuming its gentle patterns against his side. “Hm.” He huffed out a little, eyes drifting shut.
“Did you eat?”
Now it was Jack’s turn to pause, frowning as Ennis called him out.
“..No, I ain’t eat yet.”
“Go eat, we ain’t sleepin’ until you eat your damn food, Jack.” Ennis was firm with his tone, pulling back a little as he looked down at the tired Jack, who immediately frowned in complaint with a yawn, slowly sitting up as he rubbed his eyes wearily.
“Fine, fine… I’ll go eat. Is there some fresh coffee sittin’ there waitin’ for me too?” He teased, but ended up getting a nod from Ennis.
“Are you spoiling me?” Jack then questioned as he got up. Ennis rolled his eyes.
“Can’t I do some nice things for you e’ery once in a while? Eat the damn food and drink the damn coffee, Jack. M’ going to our room.” He grumbled, slowly getting up off the couch.
God, he sounded like an old man when he got up sometimes, which always made Jack giggle and often tease him over, but this time he stayed quiet.
Watching Ennis walk off towards their room in slow steps, staring down at the ground in front of him, the pause at the door, before opening it and going into the room quietly, not offering Jack another sound of his voice..
Something felt more stiff with Ennis than normal with his return.. but the more he dwelled on it, the more he assumed it was the fear that probably still lingered in Ennis from being with Jack.
Ennis was extremely hesitant with leaving everything to go live up in Brokeback, breaking down several times on the way out there and never being willing to leave the cabin after, not leaving its premises down to the damn barn for a solid year or so, before he finally decided to ride their horses around the fields and valleys with Jack like they used to when they worked up there back in ‘63.
Ennis was simply terrified, always knowing this was a sin and fearing for his life.. never fully letting in on the fear he had whenever Jack left the mountain to go back into town for supplies, always worried that one day, he wouldn’t return like Jack always promised with kisses littering between his words against his cheek.
They were sweet, but only made his fears worse.
Jack just, sighed softly, making his way into the kitchen as he made himself a cup of straight black coffee, then ate the leftover food of..whatever it was that Ennis made. It was good, but he didn’t bother wondering what it was.
Sometimes he wished they could live closer in town happily, but truth be told, he loved Brokeback. If he could, he’d have his ashes scattered out here when he passed, specifically in the areas that they worked a few years back..
Their Brokeback Mountain.
He’d brought it up before with Ennis, having his ashes scattered out here, but everytime he brought it up Ennis would snap at him and change the topic the second he could after the uncomfortable silence that lingered with every snap he made, which became more and more frequent within the last year.
They hadn’t even had sex in a couple months because Jack was worried about Ennis, wondering if he was only doing this for Jack and his pleasure, not his own desires or will anymore. It frightened him to think that way, but Ennis’s behavior wasn’t quite proving him wrong, or to think otherwise.. maybe he should bring that up tonight with him.
It was the only real time they spoke about anything, during bed. It was how living out in Brokeback got brought up, it’s planning, the meetups and talking about life, all of it. It’s where everything started, back in that tent on a cold night where they both were so drunk it could’ve been passed off as tension that built up for so many months they didn’t want it, they just wanted a release.
Which, wasn’t actually true for Jack, and Ennis wasn’t sure what it was for him because he refused to really ever even speak about it at all, sometimes fearing it even. He feared the consequences of giving it a second thought without verbalizing it.
Once he finished his food, and most of his coffee, he poured out the rest into the sink and put the dishes into their shitty old dishwasher. It was newer, sure, a 1970 old dishwasher. It was used and he bought it off someone, but it worked so he didn’t care.
Once done, he went over to the bedroom, standing quietly in front of the door for a moment before knocking a little.
“..Ennis? You awake?” He asked a little loudly through the door, carefully turning the doorknob and opening the door, peeking his head through only to see Ennis sat on the edge of his bedside, head against his hand with the other on his lap.
“I don’t wanna talk tonight, Twist.” He said plainly in a rasp voice, he was tired.
Jack ignored it, quietly stepping into the room and shutting the door behind him. He stripped himself down into his boxers, then grabbed some pajama pants to wear out of their share dresser before walking over to the bed, crawling onto it as he sat behind Ennis.
He tried placing a hand on his shoulder, but was quickly swatted away. Jack sighed.
“En..”
“Don’t.”
“Ennis-”
“Jack I can’t tonight alright? Just fuckin’ leave me be. I ain’t about this no more, I ain’t queer and I ain’t yours-” Ennis snapped, hand moving up into his hair as it grasped gently at the blonde tufts on his head, pulling slightly. His hair wasn’t too long, but it still ached as he pulled on it.
Jack frowned, brows furrowing slightly as he tried to place his hands on his shoulders again. “Please Ennis.. Just fucking listen to me, for one damn second.” He pleaded.
Jack tried to pull Ennis back against him, but he kept pulling away, swatting his hands off, muttering a couple no’s and stop’s as he tried to get away. Jack didn’t listen, finally managing to pull Ennis in close as he broke down in his arms.
Jack sighed, pulling Ennis’ head against his chest, leaning back against the bed headboard as Ennis started sobbing in his arms.
“Why can’t you just..just talk, Ennis? I know it’s bad, but really baby.. I need ya to talk to me, please.” Jack spoke softly as Ennis still cried, not quite responding, just tightly grasping onto his skin, desperate to hold him close and avoid letting go, in fear of him not returning.
The only other time Ennis broke down in Jack’s arms like this, was when they were arguing on the mountain, right before going home.. When Jack was calling him out for not wanting any of this, how everything was going downhill, all of it. (I don’t actually remember when this happens, excuse me if this is not timelined properly I just need my happiness)
After maybe five or more minutes, Ennis was just slightly shaking in Jack’s hold, taking shaky breaths, eventually heaving a sigh.
“I’m scared, Jack.. I ain’t queer, this ain’t right at all.. What if.. What if I lose you? What if you ain’t gonna return one day after goin’ down for some stuff for us? I can’t, I can’t lose you Jack.”
Jack froze. Ennis actually was honest about what he was fearing about it all.
“Ennis..”
“No, No. Jack.. I, I don’t.. Nothin’ can help this, Jack. Nothin’ can fix this.”
“Ennis just fucking listen to me. For once in your goddamn life listen to me. We’re both fucking thirty-one now, man. Shit already hit the fan when Alma divorced you and took the kids early this year, be fuckin’ happy you ain’t payin’ child support or hidin’ from the government, babe.”
“You.. Jack are you hidin’ from.. From the-, government?”
“No, dumbass, I ain’t hidin’ from anyone. Lureen kinda knew, but she still says we love each other to her parent’s and the kid. Sometimes I miss her an’ Bobby.. But I know it for the better for ‘em, y’get me?”
“..Not really.”
“Oh. ‘S alright.”
The silence lingered after that, painfully. Jack desperately wanted more to be said, but he knew better than to try and push Ennis in this state.
“You know..” Jack finally started after several painful minutes of silence.
“Sometimes, sometimes.. I worry you'll run off from me without a word. Jus’, up and leave our home. ‘S scary to think ‘bout, but what else am I supposed to think if all you do is hide away from me still? We been out here five damn years, Ennis.”
Jack bit at his lip once he finished, having to look away from Ennis against his chest to avoid seeing the look he might be giving him. He hated the way he looked at him during these kinds of talks.
“Just give me time, Jack. I ain’t gonna flip a switch like you can so quickly.. You got any idea how much I worry too? Keep gettin’ flashbacks to when my pa brought me an’ my brother out to see that damn queer guy beaten in a ditch. I don't want that bein’ you.” Ennis spoke quietly, his hold tightening on Ennis.
His voice barely even a whisper, making Jack feel as though he had to strain his ears just to hear the words slip past Ennis’ cold lips.
Maybe, just maybe.. if Jack stayed quietly long enough, it’d serve as a response for Ennis. But, for some reason, his words manage to slip past his lips with weak breath.
“Why can’t you just love me out of your own doin’?” He choked out with a weak breath of air that followed the words.
He felt like he stopped breathing after that, his heart feeling like it stuttered slightly. Jack’s stomach flipped as he stared up at the ceiling, trying to swallow back, though unsuccessful with it, the tears threatening to spill at the corners of his eyes and waterline, not even offering a sniffle.
Ennis wanted to say something to that, to deny it, something..anything. He couldn't get a word out, feeling his heart sink as he realized Jack was right.
He hadn’t let Jack love him, ever. And when they did, it felt short lived since Ennis wasn't sure how to reciprocate it, or his fears got the best of him, constantly denying the idea that he could be queer.
Was this what internalized homophobia was? But he wasn’t fearing for himself, he feared for Jack.. did it matter who it was for, if it was internal? Maybe it did.
Ennis took a breath, though weak and shaky, as he let his eyes drift shut, letting himself savor the way Jack still held him close to his chest, the beats of his heart, and the shakiness of how his chest rose and fell with each breath, paired with short and few soft sniffles.
Maybe life wouldn’t be so bad with Jack, maybe it would be good. He’d been living with him for so long anyway, he knew all his habits, the way he ate his food, how he took sips from cups, the specific way he sets down his shampoo and conditioner bottles, the way he shaves his face to let his mustache grow.. and the way Jack looks at Ennis, with the most loving gaze, even though it hurts him that Ennis is so afraid.
“Jack?”
Jack paused after hearing Ennis, debating the silence that lingered between them as he swallowed a heavy lump back down his throat to let the nerves marinate and twist in his stomach, which overall just made his anxiety in this situation worse.
“Yea, Ennis?”
“What.. What can I, I do. What can I do better? If, if I want this.. how can I be better? I don’t get it.”
“..What do you mean? You never ask for help, En. What the hell are you—”
“Please, Jack.. I just. I don't know, can’t I just. Can I just try? I want to, I will love you.. won’t I?”
“..You will, I hope.”
“You know I will, you mean.”
“I don’t, Ennis. I hope you will continue loving me once you can. You flip like a damn switch.” Jack sighed.
Ennis paused, then pulled himself closer against Jack, finally letting his head rest against the crook of his neck, it was.. nice.
“..I'll do whatever it takes to love you.” He mumbled, almost sounding like he was love-drunk in a sense, desperate to allow himself to be loved and to give it back to Jack.
It shocked Jack, more than he originally thought it one day would, but all he could do was pull Ennis closer and press a kiss to his temple.
“I’ll make sure to plant those seeds soon then to give us all the time in the world.” He mumbled against his skin, earning a hum from Ennis.
Ennis then pressed a kiss to Jack's neck, nearly falling asleep right then and there.
“Good.” He finally said tiredly.
They let the silence dwell on them as the night dragged on slowly, but comfortable.
“Tired, En?” Jack questioned softly in a whisper.
Ennis mumbled something incoherent at first, before giving a nod.
“Mmn..yea.”
“Go to sleep then, I’ll be here all night, babe.”
“..I like that one, babe.. goodnight, Jack.”
Jack chuckled loosely at Ennis, pressing a kiss to his head again as he pulled up the blanket.
“Goodnight Ennis.”
It was quiet for another couple moments, the only sounds being the gentle wind outside and the way they breathed against each other.
“I love you.”
Jack froze, feeling his heart skip a beat.
“What was that, En?”
“I love you.” He reiterated in a rasp voice.
Jack just.. smiled, eyes drifting shut.
“Hm, I love you too, baby.”