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With all the lights turned off, it’s dark inside the dorm room. Quiet too. The only sound is coming from the humidifier Taerae got as a present at a fanmeeting some months ago. The steady hum of the machine is nice and the extra moisture keeps his vocal chords well oiled.
Not that that makes a difference, apparently.
Taerae buries his face in his pillow, willing that train of thought to leave the station of his brain without him. It’s why he doesn’t immediately see it when his phone screen lights up. He feels it, though, and regrets it the moment he lifts his head. Since he’s wallowing in complete darkness, the light hurts his eyes.
It makes him bury his head back in his pillow, unwilling to entertain whatever is happening in the group chat he has with the other members. It’s probably just Gyuvin sending memes again. The thought brings a smile to his face, but it doesn’t stay there. His heart’s just a little too heavy for that. He has to sleep a little more. Yeah, that’ll do him good.
It’s quiet when there’s a knock on the door. A muffled call of his name follows, “Taerae?”
He doesn’t answer.
Another knock and then the door opens. “Rae?”
Taerae doesn’t look up. The door closes with a soft thud and for a moment Taerae thinks that that did it, that he’s alone again. He’s proven wrong by the sound of footfalls, a small huff and then there’s a hand on his blanket-coveredback.
“Taerae? You good over here?”
Taerae feels the distinct need to bury his head under his pillow. “I’m fine.” He only says it because he knows Matthew won’t leave if he ignores him.
An inhale, an exhale. The hand on his back stays there. “You missed dinner.”
“Not hungry.”
Another huff. “That’s why you’re moping around in the dark?”
Taerae wriggles around only to shoot him an annoyed glare. “I’m not moping!”
The smile on Matthew’s face tells him that he walked right into his trap. Matthew sits down on the edge of the bed, his movements very, very gentle. “What’s going on, Rae?”
Taerae shrugs and huffs. He can’t lie to Matthew, but he really doesn’t feel like telling him the truth either. It’s pathetic, is the thing. He knows better, has been trained to know better, but he still went online and looked up what people had to say about him. “Nothing’s going on.”
“So why don’t you come outside with me? The others have set up a board game in the living room. We should join them.”
Taerae sighs. He loves his members, he does. He just doesn’t want to see them right now. He doesn’t want them to see him right now. He can’t hide from Matthew though who watches him with a furrowed brow.
“Something happened,” Matthew determines when Taerae doesn’t say anything and then his expression darkens more. “What happened?”
“Nothing happened.”
“Don’t lie to me.”
Taerae can’t do that so he doesn’t say anything. He flinches when his phone screen lights up again. Matthew sees it and snatches up his phone. That sends Taerae into a downright frenzy. He tries to snatch his phone back, but Matthew is freakishly strong. He keeps the phone out of Taerae’s reach, typing in the passcode with grim determination.
“Matthew—”
Matthew scans the forum page that’s still open. His expression sours in the way it rarely does. He’s usually such a happy-go-lucky guy. Now, Taerae has ruined that too. He’s helpless to watch as Matthew grows more pissed off with every word he reads. Then he swipes out of the app, closes it properly so Taerae can’t just find the thread again. When Matthew looks at him, there’s no anger in his face left.
“It’s not true, baby.”
Baby, baby, baby, Taerae’s mind echoes, clinging to it when he should listen to Matthew’s next words.
“You didn’t ruin anything, especially not this comeback.” Matthew huffs with indignante. “On the contrary, your voice is fucking amazing. You sound so good on the track, on every track. Fuck,” he says this part in English, “what those people have to say.”
Taerae wants to agree. The lead in his stomach just won’t let him. Still, Matthew deserves better than his silence. “I know I shouldn’t look. It just…I just wanted to know what people thought and…”
“Rae.”
Taerae shrugs helplessly. He yelps when he finds himself flattened to the mattress, Matthew covering him with his body; his heavy, muscle-laden body which Taerae can feel every centimetre of even through two layers of clothing and the duvet he’s currently rolled into.
“Matthew!” he wheezes.
Matthew only grins down at him. “Kim Taerae,” he coos. “Say ‘I’m the best singer in the world.’”
“I’m not—”
“You are. Now say ‘I have the voice of an angel and the entire world deserves to hear it.’”
Taerae rolls his eyes, straining against Matthew’s weight on top of him, but his efforts are only half-hearted and Matthew is all in it. He always is, when it comes to Taerae.
His smile is lovely, so lovely Taerae is almost tempted to oblige him when he says, “Say ‘Seok Matthew is the hottest dude I know and I’m madly in love with him.’”
“Now you’re just fishing for compliments.”
“True as that may be, I’m also right.” Matthew’s expression softens. “About you, I mean. Those people are wrong. They don’t know you, but I do. I know your voice and it’s beautiful. Don’t ever let them make you doubt yourself.”
Taerae looks anywhere but Matthew’s eyes. “I know I shouldn’t. And I can take it when it’s just about myself, but they said I ruined the comeback. For us.”
It’s too terrifying of a thought. He can take criticism. He can’t bear the thought of having ruined anything for his team. Matthew understands. Of course he does. He’s right there with Taerae.
“It’s still not true. You’ve only ever made our team better.” He cups Taerae’s cheek. “Your voice is it, Rae, and the rest of you too.”
Taerae could joke. He could huff and puff and finally push Matthew off him. He doesn’t want to.
“You really think so?” It comes out more meek than he’d usually allow himself to be, but it means something to him, Matthew’s opinion of him. Must be the love.
“I really, really do.”
Taerae briefly closes his eyes. It’s warm. It’s so warm where Matthew is lying on top of him, surrounding him. He kind of wants to live in that warmth forever. A gentle, calloused hand strokes his cheek.
A bright grin nearly blinds him when he opens his eyes. “Would a kiss make you feel better?”
Taerae snorts. “Is this really what you think will help?”
“Oh, absolutely.”
Taerae sighs, but it’s soft. He tilts his head up. Warm, gentle lips press against his own and Taerae feels himself melt. It stops hurting then. Really, the entire world stops existing as long as Matthew is kissing him. He’s always loved that most about him. Matthew is so captivating, there is nothing else to think about but him when he’s around.
He’s exceptionally good at making Taerae’s brain go quiet.
“Seok Matthew is the greatest dude I know and I’m madly in love with him,” he whispers when they break for air.
Matthew’s answering grin is so, so loud. “Too,” he says and kisses him once more, then Taerae’s cheeks, his nose and eyelids before he returns to his lips. “So much, you have no idea.”
Taerae wriggles his arms out from under his blanket cocoon so he can wrap them around Matthew, keep him where he is.
“Can we just stay here?”
Matthew nods. “Sounds good to me.”
He wriggles. “It’s comfy.”
Taerae wheezes, more for the dramatics this time. “Ugh, get off! You’re heavy.”
“No can do,” Matthew sing-songs. “I like it right here.”
Taerae huffs and gives in to his fate. Really, there’s little else he can do. “Fine, you can stay where you are.”
“Oh, I plan to. I plan to,” Matthew repeats, softer this time.
Taerae kisses him again. It surrounds him, that warmth. It seeps into his skin and warms his heart too. With Matthew on top of him, looking at him like he’s his whole world, it’s easy to lean into the feeling. It’s easy to feel nothing else.
There’s only love.