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Five times it would have been objectively funnier if Rose Tyler had a sister and one time it wasn't

Summary:

What it says on the tin.

Notes:

Pure unfiltered crack. I had this idea ages ago with the aliens of London scene in my head, and it sprawled from there. Anyways, this is for the Doctorrose bingo for the 5 + 1 trope!

This is crack treated seriously. Don’t come at me in the comments kay?

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

“Course it’d be your job that blows up, not mine,” moaned Lottie Tyler, flopping onto the couch next to Rose. “It just had to be Hendriks and not two blocks over!”

“Shut it Lottie,” Rose snapped, giving her sister a shove. Lottie made an offended noise and lifted her head from the couch.

“At least your job ‘ad benefits! I work at a butcher shop Rosie! A butcher shop!” Her head lolled back dramatically onto the pillow, and Rose stifled a laugh.

“I know. It's on the telly. It's everywhere, honestly she's lucky to be alive,” Jackie rambled, entering the living room phone in hand. “Honestly, it's aged her. Skin like an old bible. Walking in now you'd think I was her daughter.” Nattering away as she was about the explosion event that was dominating the news, she hardly noticed her children, too busy with the latest hot gossip.

Lottie pulled herself to a sitting position, and squinted at her sister. “Really though, you good Rosie? You seem a bit rattled.”

“I'm all right, honestly, I'm fine! Don't make a fuss.” Rose threw her hands in the air, trying to ward off the younger copy of Jackie Tyler. Lottie was not put off in the slightest.

“Well, what ‘appened? Shops don’t just blow everyday do they?”

“I don't know!”

“What was it though? What caused it?” Rose went to reply when Lottie steamrolled over her response. “OH! Did you finally crack and burn the place down? I shoulda known.”

Rose snickered. “No. I er— I wasn't even in the shop. I was outside. I didn't see anything. Although…”

She trailed off, and Lottie leaned in, batting her lashes dramatically. “Although..?” she repeated suggestively. Rose took a breath, and spoke slowly.

“There was… this strange man,” Rose admitted. Her sister waggled her eyebrows.

“Ooh la.” She shuffled closer to Rose. “Tell me more.”

Just as Rose was about to relay what had happened, Jackie waltzed back into the room, flouting the telephone about. “Rose! It's Debbie on the end. She knows a man who writes for the Mirror. Five hundred quid for an interview!”

Rose's face lit up, although Lottie could tell it was insincere. “Oh that's brilliant! Give it here.”

She then took the phone and hung up, leaving Jackie irritated. “Well, you've got to find some way of making money. Your job's kaput and I'm not bailing you out!”

“You’re not having my butcher's work!” Lottie chimed in. Rose stared at her.

“Weren’t you just complainin about—”

“Jobs are in short supply and so it seems are wits.” Lottie shrugged, and Rose narrowed her eyes.

“Oh you’re soooo mature.”

Lottie proved her point by poking out her tongue. Just then, the telephone rang, and Jackie was up again. “Bev! She's alive. I've told her, sue for compensation. She was within seconds of death—”

Just then, the front door burst open and Mickey made a beeline for Rose. Lottie rolled her eyes. “Ugh, Mickey the idiot.”

Rose aimed a slap, but Lottie dodged it neatly, cackling as she ducked into their shared bedroom. “Too slow sucker!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After witnessing the dramatic explosion of her home planet, Rose and the Doctor returned to Earth, 2005, for a brief visit.

“Right, I won’t be long, I just want ta visit my sister and mum.”

“What are you going to tell them?”

Rose looked up at the Doctor and his stupidly cute ears, and flashed him her trademark tongue touched grin.

“Oh I dunno. Just that I've been to the year 5 billion and only been gone, what, twelve hours?” She didn’t think that’d go down so well with Jackie, and Lottie would only laugh. “Nah, I'll just tell them I spent the night at Shareen's.” Solid plan, Lottie wouldn’t care, her mum wouldn’t be able to see through it. “See ya later!”

Rose took off towards the TARDIS doors, but at the last minute, she turned around to wag a finger at the Doctor. “Oh, and don't you go disappearin’ on me, kay?”

His only response was a nod, and that was good enough for Rose.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rose made her way up the flight of stairs leading to her mothers flat, whistling merrily as she did, before unlocking the door. She decided to try for casual. “Hey Lottie, ‘ave you seen my pink shirt? ‘S been a while since I wore it, an’ I know you pinched my favourite jeans—”

“Oh my god.” A pink dressing gowned Lottie was staring at Rose, her jaw practically on the floor. “Mum’s gonna kill you.”

Rose frowned at that, coming further into the apartment. Lottie’s expression was some kind of mix between gobsmacked and miserable, tears welling in her eyes, which made no sense. “Whatcha mean? I was only at Shareen’s for the night—”

The sound of porcelain shattering behind Rose stopped her train of thought. “Rose?”

Rose raised an eyebrow. Something was… off. She decided to try for subtlety. “What's with the face mum? ‘S not like it's the first time I’ve been gone all night, and besides—”

“Whatcha mean all night?” Lottie cut in, her eyes narrowed. Jackie chose that moment to burst into loud, messy sobs, and she pulled Rose into a tight hug. “You’ve been gone a whole year!”

Oh. OhhExplicit detail.”

A staredown commenced between the girls, identical brown eyes waiting for the other to crack. A cruel smile crept onto Lotties face. “A couple a nights ago, he snuck in through the window, wearin only his—”

“Okay okAY!” Rose screeched, covering her ears. “I’ll tell ya, but you’ve gotta promise not ta ever tell me any details about your sex life ever again, kay?”

Lottie drew a cross across her heart. “Cross my heart, hope for pie, all the things, now details!”

Rose moved to sit on her own bed, crossing her legs in front of her. “You can’t laugh, promise.”

Lottie nodded, her eyebrows drawn together. “Course, now spill.”

Rose sighed. “Right, so you know the man from Henriks…”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Five minutes later, Lottie’s jaw was firmly on the floor. Rose sat anxiously waiting for her response. “Well?”

“Aliens. Time travel. Charles Dickens?”

Rose nodded. “Yep.”

Lottie’s eyes widened. “Wow. Okay. Not what I was expecting.”

“You believe me then?”

“Course. Why wouldn’t I?” Lottie replied seriously. “Although, I’ll tell ya what.”

Rose raised an eyebrow. “What?”

“If you say he’s not your bloke, I’m happy ta take him off your hands.”

“Oi!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rose had barely stepped out of the TARDIS into Cardiff when she was engulfed by a bottle blonde blur. “Rose!”

The TARDIS needed to refuel, and the Doctor had explained to Rose that the rift from their Dickens adventure was in fact still leaking small levels of radiation into present day Cardiff, creating a perfect spot for the TARDIS to soak up its energy. He’d instructed Rose and Jack to plan a day trip, and without hesitating, Rose had called her sister. Lottie had readily agreed to catch the train down, eager to escape the drudgery of her life, and Rose couldn’t wait to catch up properly with her.

They’d never gotten along as teenagers, and they’d fought tooth and nail as kids, but the billions of miles of space between them seemed to be rebuilding their relationship.

“Missed you,” Rose said, her voice muffled by Lottie's hair. Lottie squeezed a little tighter.

“Missed you too.”

Lottie released Rose from her death grip after a minute, and when she did her expression shifted completely. “And who’s this handsome fella then?” Lottie asked, batting her lashes flirtatiously.

Behind Rose, Jack winked, and quick as a snake, he grabbed her hand and kissed the back of it.

“Captain Jack Harkness, at your service. I’d imagine you’re Rose's younger sister?”

Lottie twirled a strand of her hair and nodded, Rose completely forgotten. Jack grinned. “Her stories have sorely lacked any mention of how beautiful you are—”

“Right, that's enough of that,” barked the Doctor, pushing between the trio. “We’ve got things ta do.”

“Oh we do,” Lottie murmured, staring after Jack shamelessly. “We certainly do.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Half a week later, the shirt Lottie had been wearing under her jumper that day and a pair of her knickers mysteriously showed up in Rose’s fresh laundry pile. Rose briefly contemplated pouring Nair into Jack’s shampoo, but ultimately ignored it like any decent older sister would.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Barely two hours after the gamestation, Rose sat at the comatose Doctors bedside, eyes fixated on his motionless body. Wasn’t she important enough to know about regeneration? Why had he never told her what his body was capable of? Would he even remember her when he woke up?

Tears were just beginning to build up behind Rose's eyes when Lottie burst into the room. “Who’s he?”

Roses head snapped around at Lottie's question, a scowl on her face. “Don't you have a job?”

Lottie scowled. “Rude much? Mum called an’ said somethin’ happened ta you and your Doctor, an’ I clocked out early an’ trekked all this way ta comfort you just ta get told ta go away.”

Rose’s expression softened a little, touched by Lottie’s thoughtfulness. She sighed, and gestured towards the man in the bed. “M sorry,” Rose sighed. “‘S been a really stressful day.”

“Who’s he?” Lottie demanded, looking the Doctor up and down. “An’ wheres your Doctor?”

“He’s the Doctor, or so he says.”

Lottie’s mouth fell open. “Are you serious?”

Rose nodded, and Lotties mouth seemed to fall even further open. “How?”

Rose didn’t elaborate, not ready to talk about what exactly had gone down. Lottie pursed her lips, sensing a fruitless battle. “How come your bloke can change ‘is face, but mine can’t even be bothered ta change his clothes every so often?” The younger Tyler complained, plonking herself down onto the chair next to Rose. “‘S not fair, he’s even fitter than ‘e was before!”

“It’s not that simple!” Rose protested, rubbing her eyes furiously, careless of the probably long gone makeup. “And besides, he’s not my bloke.”

“Lottie, don’t you go harassing Rose now, you hear?” Jackie ordered, bustling into the room. “She’s ‘ad a rough time of it, and the last thing she needs is your chit chattering, so go an make yourself useful in the lounge.”

Lottie rolled her eyes at the statement. It was an ironic demand coming from their mother of all people, but she followed the instructions regardless, slipping quietly from the room.

Jackie smoothed Roses hair gently. “Now Rose, the lady down stairs had a doctor in trainin’ rooming with her, maybe she could come and have a look at him…”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Half an hour later, Jackie had finally managed to convince Rose to try to get her mind off of things and go for a bit of a wander with Mickey. She sat down next to the bed that held the man who was allegedly Roses Doctor, silent for once in her life.

After a moment, she began to speak. “Ya know, I couldn’t stand you at first. Course you knew that, I made sure of it.”

Her hand curled slightly as she recalled the almighty slap she’d delivered him the very first time they’d met. “How else was I ‘sposed ta react? You stole my daughter away from me an’ didn’t even seem all that sorry about it. I couldn’t understand what on earth compelled her ta go with you, but it didn’t matter. She was hooked an’ there was nothin’ I could do ta stop it.”

Jackie lapsed into silence once again, trying to collect her thoughts. “But when she left a second time, that was when things began ta change. Specially between her and Lottie.”

A fond smile crept onto Jackie's face at the thought. “When they were little, they fought like cats and dogs, those two did. So similar lookin’ but their personalities were nothin’ alike, an’ believe me I suffered for it. One wants ta go to the park, the other wants ta go to nans, instant tantrum from whoever didn’t get their way. God they nearly killed me they did.”

If it wasn’t for the estate community, and for people like Mickey’s nan, Jackie was certain she wouldn’t have survived raising two daughters without Pete. Despite their differences, both Lottie and Rose had inherited her temper and Petes wit, a terrifying combination in two hormonal preteen girls.

“Even when they got older, they weren’t that close. When I found out I was having a second daughter, just after Pete died, I thought they’d be the best of friends, but they didn’t share friends or interests, an’ even though they shared a room, more often than not one or the other was out.”

Jackie’s eyes flicked to a framed picture on the wall of her little family. It was a rare moment when peace had fallen on their household, and she couldn’t help snapping a picture.
“But then you came along.”

The air seemed… heavy somehow, as if her confession were weighted with lead. Jackie ignored the sensation, and continued.

“An’ all of a sudden, after the slithy— things, it was a rare day when I found Lottie hadn’t called Rose, hearin’ all about her grand adventures, tellin’ her own stories and laughin’ at your antics.”

Jackie leaned forwards, and tucked the blanket around the Doctors shoulders a little tighter. “I guess what ‘m tryin ta say in a round about way is thank you. Thank you for bringin’ my little girls together Doctor.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“We coulda been anyone ya know,” Rose whispered, eyes narrowed. The Doctor waggled his eyebrows.

“Got us in didn’t I?”

Rose rolled her eyes, and ducked around a suited man. “You’re the one wi’ the psychic paper! We coulda been guests though, Dame Rose, Sir Doctor.” She dodged another guest, this one a woman in a silver dress. “But no. We end up servin’. Don’t ya think I did enough o’ this back at ho—”

“You there, I want a drink!”

Rose choked on her reply as the woman in the silver dress barked orders at her.

A very familiar woman…

Lottie?

“Well? Did mother hire street rats to cater tonight, or trained professionals?” Not-quite-Lottie demanded, one of her perfectly manicured eyebrows so high Rose was worried it may fly away. “Hello?”

Rose snapped out of her daze. “Err, yes, sorry Lo— er, miss.”

Lottie snatched one of the champagne glasses from Rose's plate with a “Hmph!” noise, and swanned off, leaving a gobsmacked Rose behind.

“I wonder where you are,” the Doctor mused, her eyebrows pulling together. “Well. Not you you, but you—”

“Yeah I get it thanks,” Rose cut him off, snickering at his stutter.

A tapping of metal against glass drew their attention as Not-quite-Jackie took the stage. “Hello everyone! It’s wonderful to see you all gathered here today. Now you know me, I’m not one for speeches ever since my thirty first birthday.”

The crowd laughed at that, although the joke didn’t make any sense to Rose and the Doctor.

“What I will say is that tonight wouldn’t be possible without my dearest husband Pete, and our daughter Charlotte, so make sure you thank them for their efforts!”

A polite round of applause followed. Jackie continued. “Now that all bein’ said, I’m not lettin’ this speech drag out. That's what my parties are famous for. No work, no politics, just a few good mates and plenty of black market whisky. Pardon me, Mister President. So, yeah, get on with it. Enjoy, enjoy!”

A louder round of applause burst out this time, and Jackie smiled at it before turning around. “Come to mummy Rose!”

Rose’s eyebrows furrowed. Why hadn’t Jackie mentioned her in the speech? She clearly existed in this universe, because who else could it—

A little furry thing ran up to Jackie, wobbling along on its comically stubby legs. “Rose!” Squealed the Tyler matriarch, scooping the fluffy little creature from the ground. “There you are my darling!”

Besides the very much human Rose, the Doctor burst out laughing.

Oh he was going to get a slap for that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The six passengers of the TARDIS stepped out onto Bad Wolf bay once again, having successfully saved the universe, blinking in the harsh sun.

“Oh fat lotta good this is,” Jackie growled, glaring at one of the two Doctors. “Bloody Norway? I’m gonna have ta phone Pete, and he’s on the nursery run. I was pregnant, remember?”

The Doctor in brown nodded absently, mostly ignoring Jackie's rambles. “Had a baby boy.”

“Oh brilliant,” he replied, feigning interest. “What did you name him?”

“Doctor.”

“Really?”

Jackie made a face. “No you plum, he’s called Tony!”

She stormed off, holding her phone above her head, trying to get a signal.

Rose, who was holding onto Jack's arm, stared in disbelief at her surroundings. “This is the parallel universe isn’t it?”

“You’re back home,” the Doctor said, not making eye contact with her. Rose’s hackles raised at the implications.

“And now that the Reality Bomb never happened, the walls of the universe are closing over. It's dimensional retroclosure,” Jack supplied helpfully. The Doctor, the new one, had explained briefly to Rose about the Metacrisis event, and how Jack touching the hand in the jar had made his brain part Time Lord. Despite the answer making sense logically, it still shocked Rose to hear the timey-wimey words coming from the ex time agent's mouth.

“Rose spent all that time tryin’ ta get back to you,” Lottie snapped, her eyebrows drawn together into a furious scowl. “She’s not comin’ back wi’ us, we already said our goodbyes before this whole mess.”

The Doctor's behaviour was making Rose's head swirl. Did he seriously not want her to come back with him? Had all her work trying to get back to him truly been for nothing? What would she do with her life now?

“Rose.” The Doctor took her hands, a pained expression on his face. “You've got to. Because we saved the universe, but at a cost. And the cost is him. He destroyed the Daleks. He committed genocide. He's too dangerous to be left on his own.”

Did he not want her?

Rose didn’t respond, still reeling. Her Doctor continued. “He’s like me when we first met. Full of anger, blood, revenge, and guilt. You saved me then, and I need you to do it again.”

Silence reigned supreme for once as even Jackie held her tongue while Rose processed the time lord Doctor’s words.

A sharp laugh cut through the air. The five others turned to Lottie, who had seemingly lost her mind. The Doctor in blue narrowed his eyes at the hysterical girl. “What?”

“D’ya seriously think that’s gonna fly?” Lottie demanded, pulling herself together in an instant. “Sending Rose away ta fix some new version of you when she already did the work with leather jacket? Take a hike skinny.”

The Doctor in brown went to argue, but Lottie shut him down with a single, sharp look. “‘M not done,” she warned. “Cos I’ve seen the way you look at my sister mister, and I can tell you you need her in your life, else you’ll do somethin’ you regret.”

“Rose, can’t you see the gift he’s trying to give to you?” Jack asked, a note of pleading in his voice. “The human metacrisis doesn’t regenerate. He only has one life, one human life, and he can spend it with you.”

A beat of silence. Besides the group, the waves crashed, white noise to their discussion.

“I can’t ask that of him, Jack,” Rose replied softly. “Not when ‘m not really human anymore.”

Behind Jack, both Doctors stuttered over the exact same breath. Rose sighed. “Bad Wolf made it so I’d never have ta leave you again, but I understand if you don’t want me aboard—”

“No, Rose. I’ll always want you aboard, that’s never going to change,” the Doctor said, stopping her in her tracks. “I— I care deeply about you.”

“If you’re staying with the Doctor, then what do we do about the metacrisis?” Jack asked, motioning towards the Doctor in blue. “He’s not exactly you or me, and two Doctors on the TARDIS would be disastrous.”

Lottie smirked. “He’s part you isn’t he?” Jack nodded. She turned her gaze onto the metacrisis, and Rose could have sworn she saw a distinctly predatory glint flash through her eyes. “If ya wanted, I could be persuaded take on the task of domesticatin’ him?”

Rose expected the metacrisis to refuse, or react in some kind of abjectly horrified way, but to her shock, he looked…

Slightly into it?

That was honestly not what she’d been expecting.

Rose made a mental note to explore this with her Doctor at some point, although perhaps it could just be the fact the other man was now half Jack as her Doctor in brown was making a face. “I’m not some kind of cat,” he hissed, sounding remarkably like an offended feline.

“After all, if one Tyler sister can fix him the first time around, why couldn’t the other?” Lottie shrugged. “Here puss puss puss!”

Ignoring Lottie’s antics, the Doctor turned to the metacrisis, locking eyes with him.

Some kind of mental conversation had to be happening between them, because after a minute of the intense stare off, the Doctor in brown sighed, and ran a hand through his sticky-uppy hair. “Alright.”

Roses brows furrowed. “Alright?” She asked, confused. Was he still planning on leaving her behind?

“I love you.”

Rose was pretty sure her heart stopped beating then and there.

“And I should have told you that on this beach all those years ago,” her Doctor said, his hazel eyes locking onto hers. “I’d love to have you on the TARDIS again. With me. If you want.”

There was really only one response Rose felt appropriate to his confession. Without a second thought, she kissed him full on the mouth, heedless of their audience.

As her hands crept up into his hair, the Doctor's arms looped around her waist so tightly Rose could feel the dual beats of his hearts through his three layers of clothing. After a moment, Jack cleared his throat.

“Regardless of how much I’m enjoying this, the walls between reality are going to close in approximately seven minutes, so we’re going to have to make our goodbyes and leave. The TARDIS can’t survive here.”

Somewhat sheepishly, Rose and the Doctor disengaged themselves, although their hands slotted together without a word.

“Guess this is it then,” Rose said, a false grin plastered across her face. Despite the fact she’d succeeded in her goal, and already said goodbye to her family twice before, this time was most certainly permanent. Lottie smiled.

“Guess so.” Her voice wobbled a little, most certainly not indicating tears. “Get outta here, ‘m lookin’ forwards ta having a universe ta myself.”

“Same,” Rose replied, looking away. “You’ve been nothin’ but a pest and ‘m glad ta be rid of ya.”

There was hardly a moment between Rose's words, and the final, rib crushing hug the sisters shared.

Jackie, who had a talent for sniffing out poignant moments, marched over from the other side of the beach and inserted herself in between her sobbing girls, unable to do anything but cry along with them.

Eventually, they had to let one another go at the Doctor's reluctant reminder, and with their false bravado firmly back in place, the Tyler women let each other go for the last time.

As the TARDIS faded from view, Rose couldn’t help the heaving sob she let out.

Somewhere in a parallel universe, Lottie Tyler did the same.

Notes:

And then half a year later, the Doctor managed to figure out how to get signal through the cracks in the walls and regretted it for the rest of his life. I hope you enjoyed this!