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“It’s such a shame!”
“I know, it would be our first night out in so long, too!”
Rosho greeted his fellow teachers as he stepped into the office. As soon as the pleasantries were done with, the older woman leading the conversation called to him.
“Tsutsujimori-san, get this! Yamashita-san is going to miss out on her first date in over a year–the babysitter cancelled at the last minute!”
“That seems irresponsible,” Rosho replied, brow furrowing.
“I’m sure she had her reasons…” Yamashita said, looking nervous. She sighed. “Still, it would have been nice to get some alone time with my husband.”
“What if I watched him for the night?” Both teachers stared as he realized what he’s just said. “I mean–! Only if you’re comfortable with it, obviously, I just wouldn’t want you to miss out on something so important!”
“Are you sure? He can be quite the handful…” Yamashita asked hesitantly.
“Positive!”
“Oh, what a relief!” Yamashita’s shoulders rose as if a weight was lifted from them.
The older woman laughed heartily. “That’s Tsutsujimori-san for you! Get him in front of an audience and he looks like he’s going to faint, but he always comes through in the end!”
Rosho protested weakly at the teasing, quickly exchanging his address with Yamashita-san. He smiled to himself as he settled down to work, looking forward to the evening.
Which is how he found himself, only hours later as the sun set, being handed a baby.
“Thank you so much, Tsutsujimori-san!” Yamashita said, resplendent in costume jewelry. Her husband stood just behind her, more reserved but clearly excited as well.
“O-of course,” Rosho said, staring at the baby in his arms. Taro, they said his name was.
She set a large bag at Rosho’s feet. “Everything you need is in here. Really, we can’t thank you enough!”
“It’s no problem,” Rosho said with a shaky smile. “Enjoy your night out.”
He waved awkwardly, holding Taro in his other arm as the couple made their way down the stairs, shutting the door as they drove off. He slumped against it, holding Taro out in front of him by the armpits.
“What am I going to do with you?” he muttered. “I don’t know how to take care of a baby….”
Taro merely stared.
Rosho sighed. “Well, at least it’s only for an evening. Let’s get you fed, at least.”
He held Taro carefully, doing his best to support the head–that’s important for babies, right?–as he warmed up some leftover rice. Once they're eating, Rosho finds Taro is delighted by pretending the spoon is a plane. He got into mimicking the movements and sounds as Taro watched, enraptured.
“Maybe this won’t be so bad,” he murmured, watching Taro munch happily on rice, a few grains stuck on his face.
Then his phone shrilled from across the room.
Rosho jumped about a mile in the air, then immediately remembered the baby in his arms and double checked that he was still secure. He was, if a bit startled. Rosho made his way across the room, taking his time. He had a feeling he knew who was calling, and if he was right…
He reached his phone just as the ringing stopped, heading to voicemail. Moments later, the phone rang again, the obnoxious clown music Sasara must have set last time he stole the phone blaring from the tiny speakers. Rosho opened it with a flick.
“Hello–”
“Rosho! Where are ya? Happy hour is almost over!”
“I’m, ah,” Rosho looked at Taro. “Busy with something else.”
“So you’d abandon your old friend in his time of need…”
“Need for what?”
“A drinking buddy!”
Rosho sighed, exasperated.
“Come on, please? They’ve got pudding here…”
“They do?” His interest was piqued. “What kind?”
“Oh it’s a fancy one, all the trimmings!”
“Well….” Rosho considered it, before he blinked and shook his head. “Wait, what am I saying? Sasara, I really can’t come tonight.”
“Why not?"
”I have a baby.“
There was an audible gasp from the phone. ”Rosho, you didn't tell me you were pregnant!“
“Wait, what-”
“Hey!” Sasara's voice grew distant as he leaned away from the phone. “Guys, Rosho had a kid!”
A chorus of congratulations and cheers made their way to his ear.
”Sasara!!“
”Yes?“
Rosho inhaled deeply, bringing his anger back under control. He had Taro to think of, after all, he couldn't simply scream at Sasara over the phone. Much as he'd like to.
”I really, really can't. I've gotta make sure Taro's taken care of, it's really important that his parents get a break.“
Sasara hummed. ”Wow, this is really important to you, huh?“
Rosho sighed in relief at finally breaking through to him. ”Yes, it is. And I want to do it right.”
“Then it's decided!“
”Thank you-“
”I'll come over and help!“
”WHAT?!” Rosho screamed then, he couldn't help it. “Sasara, please don't come over-”
“It'll be fine, I'm great with kids! Plus, I'm right nearby anyway. I'll be over there in a flash!”
“No, absolutely not.”
”But don't worry, I won't flash ya when I get there!“ Sasara's snorting laughter was the last thing Rosho heard before the line cut off. He sighed heavily and closed his phone before looking at Taro.
“You're in for a treat,” he paused. “Or a nightmare.” he finished softly.
Taro babbled again, lightly grabbing at his sleeve; his face screwed up before releasing. Rosho only had a moment to wonder what that was for before he smelled the soiled diaper.
“Augh, better take care of that before he gets here,” Rosho mumbled, suppressing a gag.
Taro let out a long syllable.
“Don't give me that, when you're stinking up the place.”
He giggled.
Rosho softened. “Stinking cute though...” he grimaced as he realized what he said. “Idiot's rubbing off on me...” he muttered, making his way to the bag Taro's mother left with him.
Sasara let himself into the apartment a little while later.
“Rosho, I'm home!”
“In here,” Rosho replied. “Can you grab a trash bag and hold it open for me?”
“Sure thing!” Rosho heard a bag being pulled out immediately–it scared Rosho sometimes, how well he knew the place–and moments later, Sasara was by his side, posing.
“What are we disposing of today, my lord?”
“This.” Rosho dropped the soiled diaper into the open bag, adjusting his course when Sasara recoiled at the smell.
“Gross, what is that?”
“Poop.”
“Why are you-”
“Because I'm taking care of a baby for the evening. And babies poop.“ Rosho deftly took the bag and sealed it, setting it aside before double checking his work diapering Taro. ”Which is why I told you not to come.“
Sasara pouted. ”What, I can't help a buddy out in a trying time?“
”I'm trying to make you leave.“
”Well then,“ Sasara leaned in, lifting Taro from the makeshift changing table and holding him above his head. ”Nurude Airlines, taking off!“
Rosho grabbed for him, but Sasara power walked just out of his reach. He held Taro by his belly, mimicking an engine, Taro giggling all the while. Rosho’s annoyance at being unable to catch him was not made worse by how stupidly good Sasara was at sounding like a plane, thank you very much.
“Sasara, please-”
Rosho’s pleas were studiously ignored, Sasara now turning Taro in circles, pretending at loop de loops.
Finally, Rosho resigned himself to his fate. He settled down at the table, watching Sasara play with Taro and wishing he was a little less responsible so he could justify getting a can of beer from his fridge while he babysat. Instead, he nursed his headache with vows of getting Sasara back for this…you know, after all the other things he had to get him back for.
Rosho put his head in his hands, sighing heavily.
“What's up buttercup?” Sasara finally settled down, still holding Taro.
Rosho glared at him.
“Hey, hey, no need for that! No offense, Rosho, but you're really stiff sometimes, you know?” Sasara pouted. “Just leave everything to me, I’m great with kids!”
“Visiting a school for a shoot and taking care of my coworker’s child are two very different situations.”
“Coworker, huh? So you haven’t been hiding an affair from me?”
Rosho buried his face in his hands again. “There’s no affair.” Not like he and Sasara had a relationship to cheat on, anyway.
“How’d you end up with the kid, then?”
“Another teacher’s babysitter cancelled last minute. I offered to help.” Rosho stated, matter of fact.
“So cool!”
“Shut up.” He didn't need any more of Sasara’s teasing about being a bleeding heart.
“I’m serious! You really care about them, huh?”
Rosho hesitated. “Well, yeah. I mean, I work with them every day.”
Sasara hummed quietly, bouncing Taro on his knee.
“How old is she? Your coworker.”
Rosho blinked. “I’m...not sure.”
“She married?”
Rosho scowled. “Sasara-”
“It’s just a question!”
Rosho huffed, annoyed. “Yeah. That’s why she had a babysitter tonight, actually. She and her husband were going on a date.”
“Must be nice.”
Rosho scanned Sasara’s face. He looked almost sad, watching Taro giggle.
“...Do you want kids?”
“No.” Sasara’s reply was quick, flat. Rehearsed. “Can’t be the king of comedy and a good father, can you?”
“...I guess not,” Rosho mused.
Their uncomfortable silence was broken when Taro began crying.
“He must be hungry again. Yamashita-san left some formula, maybe he wants that.” Rosho opened the baby bag, quickly finding the formula. He turned around to find Sasara making silly faces at Taro while he cried.
“...Maybe you shouldn’t be a father.”
“Hey!” Sasara protested, Rosho taking the baby from him. “I’d be a great father!”
“You know you’re supposed to stop them crying, right?” Rosho settled in with the bottle, gently shushing Taro.
“I was!”
Rosho shot him a look.
“...I was trying. Babies like laughing, right?”
“Everyone likes to laugh,” Rosho responded automatically. He held the bottle up to Taro, tuning Sasara’s complaints out. “You hungry?” Taro pushed the bottle away, continuing to cry. Rosho frowned.
“See? Not so easy, is it?”
“What happened to being great with kids?”
“W-well...”
Rosho offered the bottle again, but Taro just pushed it away more firmly, cries growing louder. His brows furrowed. He’d fed Taro, changed his diaper...
Rosho dug through the bag again, trying to find a solution. He offered toys, a pacifier, the bottle again: all rejected. Anxiety coiled in his stomach.
What would Yamashita say if Rosho handed her a screaming baby at the end of the night? He’d volunteered to take this off her shoulders, there’s no way she’d forgive him messing this up. Not to speak of what the other teachers would say about him. His thoughts raced, throat closing the same way it did on stage all those years ago-
“Peekaboo!”
Sasara appeared behind him suddenly. Rosho jumped, shaking Taro, who cried harder. He glared at Sasara. “What are you doing?! ” he hissed.
“I’m trying to help!”
“Well you’re not !”
“Look, just give him to me, I can calm him down,” Sasara started towards Taro.
“No you can’t! You can’t do everything!” Rosho set Taro down before standing between him and Sasara. “This is a child! You can’t just wave a wand and make him stop!”
“But I can make him laugh!”
“You tried that! It didn’t work!”
“Let me try again!”
Rosho lunged forward, poking Sasara in the chest. “ I had everything under control. I was helping my coworker.” Sasara backed away. “ You just had to waltz in here and mess everything up!”
Sasara squared his shoulders. "Well, fine, if you don't want me taking care of the baby, then I'll just leave!"
"Yes! Please! I never asked you to come!"
Sasara winced. "Rosho, you don't have to shout so loud. He's not crying anymore."
Rosho heaved a sigh. "Fine. Look, I just think that it wouldn't be…smart…" he trailed off.
"Hm? Rosho? Earth to Rosho?"
"Sasara."
"Yeah?"
"The baby isn't crying anymore."
"Yeah, that's what I said."
Rosho gripped his shoulders, eyes wide with worry. " Why isn't the baby crying anymore?! "
Sasara shrieked as the pieces clicked together.
"Quiet, you'll wake him again."
"Oh, sorry."
"No problem."
It was quiet for a moment, before they turned their heads as one. "Rei?!"
"Yo." Said man was sitting calmly on the couch, Taro over his shoulder.
Rosho stared into the middle distance. "Screwed. I'm screwed." he murmured.
Sasara held his hands out, a bit shaky. "R-Rei, why don't you, uh, just hand the little guy over, yeah?"
"What is this, a hostage situation?"
"It certainly looks like it!" Sasara snapped.
"Don't worry, I won't hurt him…" Rei trailed off ominously.
"Unless…?"
"Unless nothing. I won't hurt him." Rei grinned. "Forgive me, my age is showing. Forgot what I was going to say as I said it." He laughed heartily.
Rosho buried his face in his hands. “The worst...this is the worst...I’ll never teach again....”
“I doubt that,” Rei retorted.
“With this kind of a failure—”
“What failure? He’s calm now.”
“And in the arms of a criminal!”
“Not like you two were doing much for him.”
Before Rosho could snap back, the doorbell rang. He froze.
He really was screwed.
“Who is it?” Sasara whispered.
“ His parents, you idiot !”
“Weren’t they staying at a hotel?”
“No! Where did you even get that idea?!”
Sasara scratched his chin. “I mean, if I was on a date-”
Rosho shook his head, interrupting him. “It doesn’t matter, just hide!”
“Where?”
“Wherever you do when you break in!” He hissed. The doorbell rang again. “Just a minute!” He called, trying his best not to sound panicked.
Rei appeared in front of him, far too smug. “Safe and sound,” he said, handing Taro over. Rosho didn’t know if he was more relieved or angry to see Taro fast asleep, neatly swaddled. He glanced up at Rei, bewildered, who just winked as he swept Sasara into the bedroom.
Rosho took a deep breath, then faced the front door and slowly opened it. “H-hello!” he stuttered out.
“Tsutsujimori-san! Are you alright?” Yamashita glanced down at Taro. “I hope he wasn’t too much trouble...”
“O-oh, no, no trouble at all!” Rosho laughed nervously, holding Taro out. “See? Nice and quiet. No crying!”
Yamashita laughed. “I’m glad to see that! Lately he’s been crying over the littlest things, hasn’t he?” Her husband nodded behind her. She took Taro in her arms and cooed over him.
“L-let me just get his things, don’t want to keep you!” Yamashita and her husband stepped inside as Rosho rushed around the living room, gathering the scattered supplies.
Taro’s father knelt beside him as he stuffed the bag. “Thank you, Tsutsujimori-san,” he said softly. Rosho stared at him. “We’ve had this reservation for months, and she really needed a break...” He chuckled. “Well, I did too, I guess. We didn’t know what we’d do when the sitter cancelled.”
“It’s-It’s no problem.”
“Well,” Yamashita cut in. They rose, Rosho walking the couple to the door. “You took a weight off our shoulders. And even put him to sleep too!” She waved as her husband started down the steps. “Thank you again!”
“N-no problem...” Rosho repeated. He waited until they drove off again before he closed the door, sighing in relief.
“See? It all worked out!”
Rosho yelled, whirling around to find Sasara and Rei relaxing at his table.
“Want a drink?” Rei offered a can, already open. He shook it lightly when he saw Rosho hesitating. “It’s the good stuff...”
Rosho marched over, chugged it, and slammed the can on the table to a chorus of cheers and whistles.
“ Never. Again. ” Rosho snarled.
“So you don’t want to adopt a kid, then?” Sasara leaned on his hand as he asked.
“No!”
“But you looked so cute, holding him in your arms...”
“Leave it, Sasara. Only way Rosho would have a kid is if he was married. He’s too responsible.”
“Everyone’s responsible compared to you!”
“I am a respected businessman, thank you very much.”
“Who has daily dalliances with prostitutes!”
“I’m supporting the economy.”
Rosho couldn't help but laugh as he watched them bicker. At least now he was in the perfect place to drink his exhaustion away.