Work Text:
Summer, Fall, Spring, Winter . Mostly known as the four seasons.
But to me, it is also known as the four steps of getting to know you.
I met you on a cruise ship last summer . Was it our summer break? Maybe it was. The trip itself was fun. But meeting you was the cherry on top!
I still remember seeing you drinking a can of red soda alone, on the edge of the ship. I tapped on your shoulders, and you called me a freak for wanting to be friends with you! That offended me, you know!
But no worries, because you finally opened up to me. We were on that cruise ship for 6 days, and in a span of 4 days after knowing me, you have opened up a lot about yourself to me. I even got to trespass the yellow line of your boundaries, which made me a little bit concerned — but you encouraged me it was okay.
Oh, Taesan. At that moment, all I wanted to do was to protect you, to bring you away from the cruel world and anything surrounding you. I wanted to embrace you in a fleeting comfort, making sure we flee from the jeers of awful individuals, as we breath in the fresh air and sightsee the bright, blue sky.
And honestly, I can see how you unconsciously reply to my efforts. How you gradually approached me, how you started getting more talkative with me, how you befriended my friend group.
Up ‘till now, I still can’t believe that confession I gave you during the night market out with our friends. That was my impulsive thinking acting up. Hey, but you can’t blame me since the scenery was too dreamy and soft! Maybe the orange-dominated grasses were fucking up my brain.
All I could think about ever since I knew you is that, it should be you. Listen, Taesan. You know how I’ve been such a hopeless romantic who unfortunately gets so unlucky in relationships. I was always insecure. When I saw you, well, I don't know actually. I just thought you were the one.
When I saw you eating that piece of chocolate-dipped churros, I couldn't help but smile. Your whisker-like cheeks, the way your eyes form an eye-smile. And when your hands accidentally brush with mine, a blush will immediately creep to my cheeks.
When I saw you racking up brown leaves that fell from the trees and piled them up , I can’t help but laugh. Did you also impulsively think about jumping into the pile?
When I have you by my side, it feels like I can do everything in the whole wide world.
So Taesan, I will never stop saying I love you until you say it back.
Until you actually say it back! Right below the iconic pink cherry tree by our campus field . Even mother nature was supporting us with the pink petals raining down. Up until now, I still couldn't believe it was true.
But it was also that time of the year where we drifted apart.
We got into a fight. Those times were the worst times of my life!
The problem wasn’t actually that big, was it? We just made it big.
And so we fought. Physically and verbally. I can still feel the sting of your punch on my cheek, by the way.
“Don’t lie to me! You never loved me. Never! All you ever wanted from the start was just to make me suffer under your puppet hands!” Your words still hit me like a truck, Taesan. Because that was never true. Why are you so gullible? Why’d you believe gossips from ugly ass bitches who genuinely intended to break us apart?
I’m glad we sorted it out back then. You never cried. I know that. But I broke down when I saw you sob in my arms, your tears damping my sweater.
I will never forgive what they did to us. Never, Taesan.
Because we’ll always be one .
Always .
Always .. Right ..?
Wrong .
Because when Jaehyun felt the once warm body turn cold on that white bed, tears pool on his eyes, wetting the fabric of his hospital gown.
When the sound of the machine attached to him screams a monotune, Jaehyun screamed so loud the doctors came to help.
When Taesan’s long fingers touched Jaehyun’s smaller ones, Jaehyun teared up at the tiny smile on Taesan’s face. Before finally leaving him for good.
Jaehyun saw how Taesan slowly closed his eyes and took a deep breath, letting it out, and never taking in another batch.
Jaehyun saw how the love of his life left him right in front of his eyes.
So now, he walked through the iridescent snow, approaching a stone. Engraved there is Taesan’s name. A tear escaped his cheeks.
He pulled out a bouquet of flowers. He placed them on the ground right by the side of the tombstone.
He pulled out the pieces of paper he had decorated with his black ink and tears, the one he had written before Taesan got to the hospital. He wiped off the excess snow on the stone, and taped the piece of paper there.
And last, he also pulled out one more piece of paper, another one decorated with ink — blue this time — and tears, taping it to the tombstone. The paper says:
Taesan, the cold wouldn't be so harsh with you . I could've hugged you in our bed, cuddling while we watch your favourite series on Netflix.
People say winters aren’t supposed to feel lonely. But why is that the one I’m destined to feel?
Taesan, even the bonfire lit on my fireplace isn’t warm enough to defrost me.
Now, all I can see is pictures of us on my phone. Your smile, your cute antidotes, your cat-like tendencies, it’s all just a memory.
I truly hope you’re happy now that you’re up there. Wait for me, okay?
Won’t we be one, always?