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Buck has never felt out of place in Eddie's house. It's always felt like home. From the first moment he stepped inside, it's always been a warm and welcoming place, the atmosphere wrapping him up like a hug. Very often over the years he's found himself unlocking the front door to the Diaz house and being greeted by an over enthusiastic Christopher and a tired but fond Eddie. Now though, things are a little different.
Chris isn't a little kid anymore, but a teenager. His wants and interests have adapted and changed over time. He's become less interested in spending time with Buck and even Eddie, electing to play video games online with friends or participate in after school clubs and activities.
It's just been Eddie and Buck over the last year as things with Chris have changed. Yet still, he feels at home. Their couch has a spot for him, there's a drawer in Eddie's dresser that holds extra clothes, and a travel mug for their early morning shifts rests in the cabinet so he doesn’t have to stop for coffee when he stays over. There's a space in Eddie's bed even, that's carved out for him. It's the left side because Eddie refuses to put his back to the door and there's an extra blanket on that side because he runs cold, even if Eddie is always warm. They shared during covid, and they said anything about how it just didn't stop. There's also a bamboo toothbrush in Eddie's bathroom, because although he and Chris use an electric one, Buck loves the bamboo ones more and he thinks they're better for the environment. Buck keeps his best pots and pans in the Diaz kitchen, and his Xbox in the living room because he uses that more and he didn't want it still back at the loft. The Diaz house really feels like the Buckley-Diaz house sometimes, but Buck would never say that out loud, never make himself more important than he truly has a right to be.
He's always felt at home with Eddie and Christopher. He got a key before they'd even known each other a full year and every day less and less items find a home at Buck's loft, quickly sent directly to the shelves of the Diaz house instead.
So, it's strange that Buck finds himself standing at the front door, unable to fit his key into the lock. Because the last hour of his life has completely transformed the comfort of Eddie's house into an unknown, into something terrifying.
Because an hour ago, he and Eddie were just friends– best friends . Now, Buck is questioning everything about their relationship and about his place in the Diaz home. He wonders if he's been unknowingly making Eddie into something he doesn't want to be, subconsciously wanting from Eddie things he'll never give. The more he thinks, the more he panics. He hates this part of himself, the part that makes him think he's never good enough. The part that makes him look at a seven year friendship and think that this might be the end.
“You coming in at some point?”
The door creaks open and Buck's head shoots up from where he's staring at the key in his palm. He tries to force a smile, but it doesn't work. He watches as Eddie's eyebrows pull together in a subtle sign of worry, his eyes darkening just a bit. “You okay?”
“Yea, yea,” Buck mumbles as he tucks the key back into his front pocket. “I just–I– nevermind.” He pauses as he enters the house, Eddie closing the door swiftly behind them. “Chris here?”
Eddie shakes his head. “Nah, he's too cool to be here on a Friday night.” It causes them both to laugh. “I was gonna make a frozen pizza or something and just watch the game.”
That's a change that Buck hasn't known how to adapt to. His best friend has always made Christopher his top priority. No matter what, Eddie has always been at his son's beck and call. Now however, Christopher doesn't want him to always be there. Sometimes he'll call Buck, just because he wants someone else's opinion and he doesn't want to talk to his dad. It's been an adjustment for both of them, but he knows that Eddie is just happy that the teenager is willing to talk to someone.
They make their way into the living room, easily taking their designated places on the couch. Buck feels a little like a stranger in his own body, sitting up straight, hands fidgeting on his knees. “Tommy came over today,” he says quietly as Eddie flips through Hulu.
“Yea, he said he was gonna do that. Said he thought you were feeling a little neglected.”
Buck nods, “hence the,” he gestures lamely to Eddie's still healing legs.
Eddie just laughs it off, picking a nature documentary and setting the remote aside. They sit in silence for a few minutes, learning about the mating habit of bees before Buck can't take it anymore. “He kissed me!” He blurts out, Eddie reaching over to pause the TV before turning back.
“What?”
“Tommy–he uh– we were talking and I said I was trying to get his attention and he seemed confused but I–and the –and he–”
“Buck,” Eddie lays a hand on his shoulder with a light squeeze. “Breathe, man.”
It's enough to stop his verbal spiral, but does absolutely nothing for him mentally. Because, yea, Tommy kissed him. What he hasn't told Eddie yet, the reason he now feels awkward and out of place? It wasn't just a kiss. It was the slow and startling realization and Tommy's blunt words that had completely shifted his world.
“You didn't want my attention, Evan.” The words had spilled from Tommy as they pulled back, before Buck had the chance to lean back in. “I think, no I know, that if I did this,” he gestured between the two of them. “It wouldn't work, not now. You need to talk to Eddie.”
It hadn't been what he was expecting at all. He hadn't been expecting the kiss either, but he also wasn't surprised by it. The inclusion of Eddie into the situation though, was new and unexpected. It wasn't that he'd never thought about Eddie like that before. Of course he had! It was normal, wasn't it? To notice the attractiveness of your best friend? To sometimes feel those urges you normally save for your significant other? It's normal, it's always been like that. Except, Tommy didn't think so. Tommy walked into his life, threw a brick through the fragile wall separating Eddie from the rest of his feelings, and then walked away. He left Buck to clean up a mess he never meant to make in the first place.
“Did you…want that?” Eddie's voice is soft, questioning. Buck's heart seizes because the question is full of so much care, ready to pivot in whatever way Buck needs him to.
“Yea I uh– I didn't know I wanted to, but–I–it was good.”
Eddie smiles at him, timid but still bright. “Okay, good. That's good.”
“Eds,” he says,carefully. “That's not everything.”
Eddie's eyes go wide and Buck wonders what he thinks he's about to say. His face stays completely blank, neutral. Somehow that's worse than being able to see the emotions all over his face.
“He said that I wasn't trying to get his attention. Because that's what I–that's what I thought or assumed, I guess.”
Eddie nods, attention now fully on him. Not that he wasn't paying attention before, but it feels more serious now. “But, it… wasn’t?”
“No,” he shakes his head, lifting his eyes just enough so he can stare directly into Eddie’s. “It wasn’t. He told me that I–that I needed to look closer at some things. I did and–”
Eddie gestures vaguely as Buck cuts himself off, telling him to continue. He knows that Eddie wants to hear it, wants to be let into Buck’s life just a little more. They’ve gotten a lot closer since the lightning and he knows that Eddie is being honest. His expression is open, soft. It makes Buck’s stomach roll just a little bit. He knows why now, but he can’t admit it. It’s on the tip of his tongue and he can’t let it out, can’t just say the words.
“Are you okay?”
Whatever Buck thought would come out of Eddie’s mouth, that wasn’t it. He must look bad to concern Eddie like this.
“No,” he says after a moment. He finds that he can’t be anything but honest when Eddie is looking at him like this, with big concerned eyes and waiting for an answer. “Eds, I–”
He interrupts. “What happened?” Buck just shakes his head. “ Buck,” he says again, even softer than before. Buck closes his eyes and lets the tone wash over him. It’s gentle, too gentle. He doesnt’ deserve it. Not when Eddie’s trying to be a good friend and Buck’s traitorous heart doesn’t think that’s good enough. “What did he do?”
“He–” He tilts his head. “I already told you. He kissed me.” He watches the way that Eddie’s brow furrows, like that’s not what he meant. “He kissed me and he said some things, and I just–I don’t know what to do!” He lets the frustration leak out. “I’m just–”
“Did you like it?”
It’s Buck’s turn to let his eyebrows furrow in confusion. “Did I– what?”
Eddie leans forward just a bit, an intense amount of concern in his eyes. He asks again, for what Buck thinks be at least the third time, “did you uh–did you like it? Did it feel right? Were you…okay with him doing that?”
“I already told you it was–yea–it was good, I liked it.” He’s not sure where this is going or why. Eddie leans back a little bit, hand grazing lightly over the beer he moves further away from them. Buck knows that he doesn't want to chance them knocking it over. He did that once. They were watching a comedy and he’d laughed too loudly, knocking his shoulder into Eddie’s and they jostled the table enough for the bottle to fall off the edge of the table. It coated everything, including Buck’s bare toes in lukewarm beer.
He almost wants to laugh at the fact that Eddie moves beer out of reach now from pure instinct. It feels domestic and Buck wants. He wants so badly that it hurts. He never knew that he wanted Eddie like this, but now that he does? Now that his eyes have been opened? He can’t stop it. The wanting settles over him like a deep fog you just can’t get out from underneath. “I liked it,” he says again. “A lot.”
Eddie smiles at him then. It’s not the full and bright thing that Buck’s come to know as Eddie’s genuine smile, but it’s something that Buck knows means he’s at least a little bit happy. And if not happy, he’s definitely curious about everything else that Tommy had said.
“Why are you here, Buck?”
“I–”
And that's a question Buck can't quite answer. Because why is he here? An hour ago he would have said it was because Eddie was his best friend and when he needed comfort or someone to talk to, he'd always find his way back to the Diaz house. Tonight, however, is not the same. Buck is sitting here, uncomfortable beyond belief, just wanting the safety and comfort of the loft where he can be alone with these new, racing thoughts. Yet here he sits, with his legs pressing against Eddie's and their shoulders brushing. Here he is, trying not to look at his best friend like a forlorn lover and wanting to do nothing but try to see if he could lean over and just–
But he can't do that. Because it's not fair to ask more of Eddie than he can give. Not when he's already given Buck everything he could ever dream of. Asking to add a romantic element on top of that feels greedy of him. So, why is he here?
“I dont– I–” he looks down, feeling the way his cheeks heat. “I shouldn't be here.”
“I didn't mean to–”
Buck interrupts him. ‘No, no.” He sighs. “It's my fault and I should–I need to–I’m gonna go “
He goes to get up, but Eddie grabs his wrist, gently pulling him back down on the couch. It's like a wave hitting him suddenly, the way the weight of the feelings can't be held back anymore. He looks at Eddie and thinks, no he knows, that what's staring back is love. He's ignored it for so long that when he finally sees it, his own feelings reflected back in Eddie's gaze, well, he can't help it anymore. The truth pours out and Buck can't tell us he's being brave or foolish. But how is he supposed to not even try when Eddie is looking at him like that , all soft and supportive with big brown eyes.
“He asked about our relationship,” he blurts out, not even thinking of the way the words sound.
“Our…relationship?” Eddie echoes back and Buck feels his heart fall out of his chest and shatter on the floor. Because “Yes,” he wants to scream, “Our relationship, the one we've been building for years without even knowing it!” Except, he doesn't say that. Instead he attempts to run, to get up and flee before Eddie can ask more questions. Before Buck can ruin their friendship anymore than he has.
He tries to get up, to swiftly exit and remove himself from the Diaz house. It's nearly painful. This is the one place he's always seen as home and now he's ruined it. He barely gets off the couch, though, before Eddie is grabbing at him again. He loses his balance, toppling back onto the couch and directly on top of Eddie.
“Sorry!” Buck tries to jump back but Eddie's grip keeps him there. They're pressed together, every place their bodies touching feeling like being struck by lightning again and again. He can't move, can't speak. He's too afraid that one wrong move or one slip will cause the very precarious tower that is their friendship to topple. And that can't happen. Buck can't survive without the Diaz boys, doesn't know how to. Eddie keeps asking for more and Buck keeps giving it. His time, his attention, his love. Buck gives all of it to Eddie even when he knows that his best friend doesn't understand what he's asking for.
“Eddie?”
“Yea?”
Buck takes a deep breath before trying to lean away again, but not being able to. “You need to let me up before I do something stupid.” It's not what he wanted to say, but he's frustrated and confused. He's slowly losing his grip on his self control.
The grip on him tightens, Eddie pulling impossibly closer. “What do you want, Buck?”
“I–” it's a simple question, but he doesn't have the answers. No, he does. He thinks he's had the answers for a long time, he's just been hiding them until now. But, he's not sure why Eddie is pushing him. There's a small part in the back of his brain that makes him think he knows why, that makes him believe Eddie has those same feelings and has just been waiting for Buck to catch up. The other side of him, the traitorous part, can't fathom the idea that Eddie feels the same way back. “ Eddie,” his voice comes out hoarse this time and he feels like he's begging. He can't do this alone, can't admit to it all without knowing what the other man is thinking.
Instead of a real answer, Eddie tilts himself up by a fraction of an inch, letting his legs fall open so Buck slots easily in the space they make. “You're an idiot,” he says quietly, barely above a whisper. Buck thinks he should be offended, but it's said with such fondness that he can't be mad at it.
Just like earlier in the night, the kiss is unexpected. A hand snakes up to grasp at the back of his neck and Eddie hesitates for only a moment before pulling him down and kissing him. It's soft, like Eddie thinks pushing any harder will cause him to break. They pull apart for a breath, but Buck doesn't go far. He dives right back in pushing himself fully against Eddie and swallows the surprised groan from his tongue. It's like a fire is lit under his skin, the way that he comes alive under Eddie's touch, the way that it burns with the amount of want pouring off of them both.
When they finally pull away again and Eddie lets him lean back, he laughs. He extracts himself from Eddie's arms and flips back onto his side of the couch with what could only be described as a giggle, even though he'll deny it later.
“You wanted my attention.” It's not a question.
Buck nods. “Yea,” he says, a little breathlessly. “I always want your attention. I didn't really know.” He shrugs his shoulders and lets his head lull to the side so he can look directly at Eddie. “I don't think we can go back to being friends now.”
“Yea,” Eddie shakes his head. “I uh–” he smiles as he tucks himself into Buck's side. “I think we might have ruined our friendship.”
“Is it worth it, you think?”
Eddie smiles, wide and excited. “Yea, Buck. I think so.”
He leans in to kiss him again and Buck throws a silent thank you to the universe for making sure he got it right.