Archive of Our Own

Midoriya Izuku was very familiar with the feeling of loneliness. Of course he was, at four years old he learned that lesson quickly. Izuku watched as more and more of his friends, his classmates, even his teachers, turned away from him. And he knew why. No one wanted the quirkless boy as a friend.

So there he was, a young boy with no friends, just his notebooks to write about the quirks. So he poured his soul into those notebooks. Sometimes he would even try to wear a smile to match Allmight’s. At the time he didn’t know that the hero also hid pain behind that blinding smile as well.

Then that little boy began to grow up. He was still lonely, middle school just meant more bullies, but he held onto his notebooks, that something would change.

Then by some miracle, something did change, pivoting Izuku’s life in a way he always dreamed of.

Izuku met his hero and suddenly Allmight wasn’t out of reach anymore. Izuku was even able to inherit a quirk from the man himself.

In less than a year Izuku got into the school of his dreams, he had teachers that… cared? He made real friends with dreams like his own, all aspiring heroes just like him. What once was a strained relationship eventually evolved into being friends with Kacchan again. Then despite all the odds, Izuku became one of the greatest heroes. He did that.

So no, he wasn't alone anymore.

At least on the outside, but he could feel that lonely boy still haunting him.

He knew how grateful he should be, going through so much and coming out on top. He could feel the guilt weighing on him. His middle school self would be ecstatic with how far he's come, but Izuku was selfish. He got more than everyone else had ever gotten, so of course he wasn’t able to keep it. Why would he get more when he always had nothing?

The vestiges were a part of him he carried close to his heart. A part of the quirk that had manifested for him alone. He loved it, he loved being able to talk to them, to connect, laugh, smile, cry, everything with them. And losing even a little bit of what he has gained burned deeper than any shattered bone he has endured.

Izuku felt hollow. He had people beside him, his friends stuck with him, even came together as a class to drag him back home to UA during his vigilante stunt.

But there was an ache in his chest. Izuku had accepted his sacrifice of One for All to set Tenko free, but he couldn’t shake the feeling. He couldn’t get his mind off of it. He kept wanting to ask Yoichi a question, to see Nana make a sarcastic remark about “Toshi being so much taller than she remembered”.

But it's silent. It’s silent in his head and he didn’t know how loud silence could be. How overwhelming the pressure of your own singular thoughts could be when you hated the version of yourself that had been that way.

How can he miss people who were barely there in the first place? His time with the vestiges had been only a few months, he barely had any time with them in the grand scheme of things. He shouldn’t have gotten comfortable.

People said that when you go through hard times, it’s patience and time that helps you heal. Izuku doesn’t even know if this counts as a real loss. How could anyone understand just what he lost? Izuku knew he should be moving on. His friends were here to support him, that should be enough, right? Why can’t it be enough? Class 1A was finally class 2A. The world was moving ahead.

Everything was going back to normal. He should be getting better.

Why does he feel like he's getting worse?

-

Izuku woke up gasping. He frantically rubbed his hands over his wrists, reminding himself that they exist. They are still there- they aren’t gone, not like they were. He’s whole, he’s fine.

He’s fine.

Izuku took a shuddering breath, trying to get air into his burning lungs. He placed a scarred hand over his thumping heart. He doesn’t even remember the dream, not really. The ache is as present as ever. The ringing in his ears hurts as the silence pressed around him.

He felt the embers of One for All stir in him, responding to his anxiety. Was it smaller today than it was yesterday? Would he even be able to tell until it was completely gone? He shuddered and his stomach rolled from discomfort.

How much longer will he even have this? He felt his breaths speeding up again, but he couldn't find it in himself to calm down. His head feels dizzy, he can’t get enough air, oh god maybe he’s actually dying this time.

Will that ache in his chest go away if he dies? Will dying feel as alone as living right now does?

-

Izuku woke up again to his alarm going off. He groaned and shut off the blaring sound. He already knew today wasn't going to be great. His arms ached, he could tell his hands were going to be more shaky than usual because of the lack of sleep. Maybe today will be normal, and he can go on autopilot for most of it.

Izuku realized he might have jinxed it as he made his way to the common area downstairs. Someone’s yelling in the kitchen, there's some clanging of pans that followed. Maybe he will skip breakfast this morning. His stomach’s probably not up for eating anyways. Besides, he already didn’t get up fast enough to get out of bed for his usual morning run, what's another thing in the routine forfeited today?

Maybe he can get his stomach to settle by distracting himself with his friends.

“Deku!” Uraraka greets him cheerfully as he sits down at the table next to her. Kaminari is munching on a granola bar on the opposite side.

”Wow, rough hair day this morning?” Kaminari asked.

Izuku blinked at him, then quickly patted at his green curls. He barely remembers looking at the mirror as he got dressed earlier. He didn’t want to look at how dark the circles under his eyes must be getting. His hair’s been growing back slowly on the shaved down side, but there hasn’t been a great balance on making it look remotely presentable. The unevenness didn’t really lay well unfortunately. Especially on mornings like this where he couldn’t be bothered to look at it.

“Is it really that bad?” Izuku asked, trying to not blush. He might be tired, but he didn’t really want people to call attention to his appearance.

Uraraka shot a quirk glare at Kaminari. “It’s fine, Deku! It’s nice seeing your hair come back in, it looks so fluffy. Were you going to get something for breakfast? I promise that the yelling in the kitchen isn’t anything serious.” Uaraka asked, trying to steer the conversation.

“Midoriya! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day!” Iida called out from the commotion in the kitchen.

Uraraka giggles, “See, just Iida being Iida. How many times do you think he will say that breakfast line to someone this year?”

Izuku smiles at his friend, he could always count on Uraraka to make him feel at least a little bit better. “Probably almost everyday knowing our class.”

“You should still eat something, though, Iida is right about breakfast being important.” Uraraka made her point by taking another bite of the toast she had in front of her.

Izuku felt his stomach clench. Unfortunately even with the pleasant conversation, the idea of eating anything right now still made him suppress a gag. Yeah, food wasn't happening right now. Izuku wouldn’t be able to keep anything down and he was not about to throw up on the way to homeroom.

“I ate something in my room real quick just now, so I’m good, I promise.” Izuku lied easily.

Uraraka studied him for a second, but sighed. “If you say so. Just make sure to eat something more at lunch alright? I heard Aizawa-sensei has a big activity planned for Heroics this afternoon. I’m excited.”

“Better be on your A game, Izuku,” Bakugo grumbled as he walked past the table, his own breakfast in hand, “Don’t want you slacking off, you hear me!”

“You got it, Kacchan!” Izuku smiles at his friends, hoping it's enough to get them off his back.

-

Izuku barely remembered his first few classes as he floated through them in a haze. He wondered if the other vestiges ever got bored in school, and what their own history lessons were about. They must have been so different, considering the time frames. A lot has changed in two hundred years.

Izuku’s eyes keep slipping shut in English class. He isn’t sure how he managed that, with how loud Present Mic is and class discussions buzzing around him. Maybe all the chatty and loudness is calming? It reminded him of before. The stream of chatter from the vestiges in his head was different from a classroom of loud teens, but it was similar enough. Even though it wasn’t exactly the same, the background noise is comforting.

Izuku didn’t mean to put his head down on his arms, he couldn’t help it. Feeling disconnected, and tired from the rough night it was easy to slip away. He wished to be able to slide into the space of One for All inside his head. That was the one place that felt like home. The lull of the noise around him didn’t help keep him awake either. The classroom was safer than his empty bedroom.

He’s out before he realized what was happening.

-

Izuku woke up to someone shaking his shoulder. Izuku straightened up with a start, confused. Where was he? Was he asleep? He looked up to see his teacher standing over him. Oh no- He could feel panic rush though him.

“Woah there, listener, you’re okay.” Present Mic said.

“I- oh my god. I am so sorry-” Izuku stammered out.

“You’re fine, kiddo. You look like you needed that nap! Didn’t sleep well last night, I take it?”

Izuku shrugged and glanced at the empty classroom. Just how long had he been asleep for? Did he sleep through the whole class? He felt his face heat up even more from embarrassment. “Something like that.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. To make it up to me I want you to make sure to get something at lunch to help boost your energy! Your friends are waiting for you. They didn’t want to leave you, but I wanted to check in with you before letting you go off with them. Are you sure you are okay?”

“Oh. Uh thanks- for waking me up, I mean? And I’m fine, Mic-sensei. It won’t happen again I promise.” This could not get any more embarrassing. Izuku has never fallen asleep in class before, in middle school he always had to be on high alert, and at UA he liked his classes! He wanted to pay attention. Why was he slacking off now? He couldn’t be falling behind already even if that was inevitable.

“Well, if it becomes a recurring issue don't hesitate to talk to Recovery Girl about it. Sleep is very important, believe me I know sleepless nights are rough. And we can’t have you sleeping in every English class, ya dig?”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Thanks, listener. Now, go catch up with your friends. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

Izuku nodded his head as Mic-sensei moved to pack up his own things at the desk.

Izuku scrambles out of his seat, grabbing his bag in quick succession. He makes it out of the classroom in one piece, face still red in embarrassment. At least everyone in class had left, no one was in the hallways as well. He liked his classmates, but there have been a few victims of pranks on those who had fallen asleep on the couch during movie night. He was thankful no one seized an opportunity to draw something embarrassing on his face.

Izuku makes his way towards the cafeteria, unsure of what he should do. He doesn’t really want to wait in line. Even though he slept through English, his arms still felt heavy. He wished he could go lay down. Izuku shook his head. He needed to focus. He already missed one class, he cannot fall behind.

“Deku!!” Uraraka calls from their usual table. Oh, they saved him a seat. A feeling of guilt sat heavy in his gut again. His friends were so nice, why couldn’t they be enough? Could he talk about this to them? No, that was stupid. He already had to explain so much about One for All to them, and he couldn’t even do that face to face. He couldn’t press more onto them,that was unfair. He already was treating them lesser than the vestiges; he can't just use them because it's convenient. He can’t be that selfish.

Izuku slid into the seat next to Todoroki and Uraraka, and smiled at his friends.

“I got you some katsudon, Midoriya.” Todorki said, pushing the tray towards Izuku.

Izuku stared at his friend in surprise. Todoroki got him food? “Oh! Thank you, Todoroki, you didn’t have to do that.”

“I wanted to. We weren’t sure how long you were going to take with Mic-sensei.”

“R-right. Sorry about that.” He hoped his cheeks weren’t as red as he felt they were. Today was just going to continue to be “Let’s Embarrass Midoriya Izuku” Day until he collapsed on his bed later wasn’t it?

“And you promised me you would eat something at lunch, remember?” Uraraka added. She was eating her bowl of rice, and Todorki even had his usual plate of noodles. Everything was normal. Why couldn’t Izuku just feel normal?

He did remember promising her this morning, he just didn’t know if he could keep that promise. He wished he could, he didn’t want to disappoint Uraraka. But his stomach felt like it was in knots again. He didn’t deserve his friends. They were literally trying to look after him and be there and all he could think about was himself again?

Izuku pulled the tray Todoroki had given him closer to himself. Taking a bite of the food in front of him was a struggle but he could do this for his friends right? Besides, he didn’t want to waste the food. Todoroki had been so thoughtful and got him his favorite dish.

His friends were just looking out for him. He should feel grateful for them, but he felt like it wasn’t right. It wasn’t enough. He missed hearing Yoichi talk about his favorite dishes he had as a child. Even Bruce had opinions on food, even though he didn’t talk much.

Izuku zoned out as he picked at his food, letting the conversation wash over him. He couldn’t bring himself to talk much, even though it was eating him up inside. The hollowness felt like it was growing.

-

He should not have eaten anything.

Izuku groaned as he leaned away from the toilet in front of him. The bathroom was quiet, luckily the single stall bathroom had been open so he could puke his guts out without anyone walking in on him.

He had only managed a few more bites of his food before he made a hasty reply stating he needed to go to the bathroom. He ended up dashing off before any of them could reply. He barely made it to the bathroom before his food made an appearance again.

His stomach turned over again and Izuku wrapped his arms around his middle. He leaned against the cold tile of the wall, hoping the chill would help settle his nerves. At least these bathrooms were cleaned regularly. There was almost a glowing shine he could see as he stared at the spotless tiles.

His thoughts drifted back to his freak out this morning.

Why couldn’t he handle anything today? Izuku knew today was going to be difficult, but why was his anxiety getting so much worse? It was stupid, he was being stupid. He tried to take a few deep breaths to calm the nausea trying to overwhelm him again. He didn’t have anything left in his stomach but the gagging motion already made his ribs ache from the repeated abuse.

Izuku rubbed at his eyes trying to get his stupid emotions back under control. Was he really about to have another panic attack? It was middle school all over again. He hated that it was all coming back to him. He used to have fits like this in the bathroom at Aldera. At least the bathrooms here were cleaner, Aldera’s always made him feel gross.

Izuku pulled at his hair, trying to get himself to snap out of the panic still swirling in his gut. He was Deku, the hero! He helped people, he saved people! He could be as strong, like Allmight. Right? He had been?

He wasn't some loser who still cried alone on the floor of a bathroom. Tears threatened to spill out even as he tried to convince himself that wasn’t the case.

He really was a weakling. He only got to be a hero for what? A year? And even then he spent most of that time desperately trying to not to break his bones because of his own body's weakness. On top of that, most of what he had been doing was just training.

Maybe this was his fate. He just wasn’t worthy enough? He was only allowed to have a quirk for a short period of time as some cosmic joke? Let’s give the crybaby quirkless kid a taste of his dream and rip it away from him once he starts to believe in himself! What a good laugh for everyone!

Izuku let out a sob, not being able to hold it back anymore. The bathroom became a blur as the tears fell in earnest now.

Lunch is going to be over soon, he couldn’t keep doing this. Izuku needed to wash his face off, rinse out the nasty taste in his mouth. And maybe apologize to his friends for running off. There’s no way they aren’t worried about him now.

But he can’t get himself to get up just yet. He just sits in silence, only the sound of him ragged breathing to keep him company.

Izuku can’t help but wonder if the reason he can’t keep anything down is because everything just feels so empty. Nothing will ever be able to fill that empty space ever again so his body is just rejecting everything, including food.

Fading away sounds nice. His quirk’s fading away, wouldn’t it be nice to just… disappear along with it? He used up his usefulness already, he didn’t need to be here anymore right? Besides, fading away along with his quirk might hurt less than whatever he’s going through right now.

A small part of him wished that would happen.

Izuku never got what he wanted though.

-

Izuku barely made it back to class before the final bell rang. He hoped his eyes weren’t as red as they looked in the bathroom mirror when he quickly cleaned up his face. He silently slid into his seat, and purposely looked out the window. Anything to avoid looking at his friends. He could feel their gazes on him, but he couldn’t handle seeing their worried faces right now.

Soon enough, they were getting ready for heroics training. Aizawa-sensei was running heroics training today. Allmight mentioned he had a meeting for something off campus today, so he wasn’t going to be observing them.

Relief flooded through him. He didn’t want to deal with his mentor’s questioning look, asking how he was doing right now.

Sorry Allmight, I keep having breakdowns because I’m a big baby who feels crazy over my life because literally no one has gone through anything like this before! Bonus, I can’t handle basic emotions like a normal person and I got so anxious I threw up! Great successor you picked, sorry I’m a big disappointment.

Izuku didn’t join in on any of the conversations in the locker room as he shoved his costume on. After the nightmare this morning, and the lunchtime fit, he mostly just felt numb. Like an old wrung out towel, that wasn’t dry enough to be useful. His classmates have so much energy, how are they still able to do that after everything that happened?

He hoped whatever sensei had planned for today wouldn't require much strategy. He doesn't really think he could plan anything successfully in this state. Izuku almost slips his right shoe onto his left foot, and just stares at it for a second before realizing why it wasn’t slipping on correctly.

He sighed and moved to put the correct shoe on the correct foot. Yeah, he couldn’t wait for this class to be over and he could go back to his room. He could pass out and hope he doesn’t have any nightmares. At least he's exhausted enough right now that a few nightmares while asleep would be better than the nightmare of being awake.

-

"Alright today we are splitting up the class for the exercise, half of you are going to hide in the city to be rescued and the other half will be searching for them. Then we will switch.” Aizawa-sensei instructed.

Izuku barely heard his name being called on the victim's side.

Okay. Easy enough. He doesn’t have too much other than picking a location to hunker down for his classmates to find. He could do this.

"Deku!" Uraraka stepped up beside him, as they started towards the fake city. "You know where you're going to hide? Sensei did say to not make it easy, sometimes rescue victims don't want to be found."

"Probably just in one of the tall buildings? Make them climb the building to get to me. Maybe I’ll fake a broken leg. Make them carry me down." Izuku was tired, but he still wanted to make it a challenge for his classmates, they deserved an exercise even if he wasn't feeling it.

"I think I'm going to float up onto one of the roofs? Or somewhere it would be difficult to get to? Oh! That building looks perfect for me! Good luck, Deku." And just like that Uraraka took off down the street.

Izuku blinked and realized everyone else had also branched off. Had he been that out of it? Good thing this wasn’t a combat oriented lesson.

The street was quiet. The battered buildings lining the road looked like they were sucked of all the color they might have once possessed. Now they were shades of grey. Some were even crumbling. It reminded him a little too much of Decay.

He almost turned to ask Hikage what the best places to hide would be, and just like that the ache in his chest was back in full force, making the calm disassociation he had slipped into start to break.

He wanted to ask so many things, but most of all he really just wanted the vestiges to be with him. He missed their presence. He didn’t realize how grounding it was to have so many people planning a single goal would be until it wasn’t here anymore. Izuku felt like anything could knock him over, like a baby deer learning to walk. If there was a villain they could take him out in an instant.

Izuku shook his head trying to clear his clouded thoughts. He has spent the majority of his life without them in his head, he can do a simple exercise without them. There aren’t even any real villains. He can hide and wait for his classmates to find him just like Aizawa said to do. He can be a good student and follow along a simple class activity.

Izuku walked along the road. He picked a building at random, a tall fake office building with parts of it blown out of it. He wonders if it was built like that, or if some other class tore it up.

He barely registered going up the flights of stairs. The echoes of his metal boots on the steps aren't loud enough. Everything is too quiet in the stairwell. His breathing hitches as panic rushed through him.

Izuku stopped climbing, and barely held back from breaking the door down just to open it faster. He heaved out a breath as he scanned the floor. It's more open. Good. It’s still too quiet, this whole building is void of sound. He headed more into the office space. Half of the floor is gone, apparently this is the bit that had a decent chunk destroyed. It almost looks like a bomb took out half the floor.

The small breeze swirled through the opening of the building. There, something moving, something with sound other than his own quick breathes. This can be enough right. He can handle just the wind and himself for a little but.

His classmates are quick, they can come save him and the exercise will be over. He can sit and wait. He’s waiting for things by himself for longer. He waited how long for the fateful day he met Allmight didn’t he?

He’ll be fine.

-

Shouta was standing in the clearing just in front of the screens flipping through the streets of the fake city. He watched as the rescue teams worked their way through the broken buildings. He isn’t sure how much the exercise is beneficial for a class that has already gone through war, but everyone needs a refresher on rescue missions sometimes. Besides the other point of the exercise was that sometimes you needed to wait for backup to rescue you in the field. Patience was necessary.

He hears a beep from his com link. Everyone on the rescue team had one on them to communicate with each other and with him if necessary.

“Sensei?”

“Jiro? Is something wrong?”

“Uh, maybe? I don’t really know if this is too alarming, but I located Midoriya but- I’m not sure if he’s okay.”

“Explain.” What’s wrong with his problem child now? Shouta knew the kid was tired, Hizashi had mentioned he seemed to have fallen asleep for half of English. Which was unusual for the kid, usually he was very alert in class. Always muttering and writing in one of his notebooks.

Shouta also hadn’t missed the worried glances his friends kept sending towards Midoriya during class as well. Usually Midoriya was attached at the hip with at least one of them. If he wasn’t talking to any of them about it, then something big could be bothering him.

“From what I can hear he’s breathing heavily. I think he might be having a panic attack? He isn’t moving but his heart is beating really fast as well.”

Shit. Sounded like it was bigger than just being tired. Shouta sighed, and began to move into the city. If this was major, he would call Hizashi for back up. He had a break period during this time, so it wouldn’t be hard to ask him to cover.

“What building is he in? I will go check in on him. In the meantime continue the exercise as normal with your other classmates, got it?”

“Yes, sensei. He’s in the tall office building with the side taken out of it. It’s on the northeast side of the city.”

“Copy. Thank you for telling me about this.” Shouta takes off into the direction of the building using his capture weapon to easily scale a shortest building. Running along the rooftops had always been the fastest route for him, and he wasn’t going to waste any time getting there.

“Just make sure he’s okay for us.” Jiro said.

“Will do.” Aizawa said back and turned off the com link connection. Okay, problem child, let's see what's wrong?

-

Izuku’s head hurt. It’s too quiet. Everything felt wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. He pulled at his hair, wishing the physical pain would help calm the pressure in his head. He felt like there's something constricting his chest again.

Why can’t he breathe? Why is no one here to calm him down? He was... waiting for someone right? Why is he alone again? Where is he?

Izuku rocked back and forth, his knees pulled up to his chest. His hands were buried in his hair, using the tugging sensation as a desperate attempt to keep him from floating away. He needed to be small. Izuku knew he didn’t have anyone watching his back, which means he’s alone again and alone means he is going to be hurt again. So being small was better. Safer.

The logic doesn’t feel right though Wasn’t it supposed to be different now? He missed danger sense, he missed having the other vestiges watching his back.

Now he’s back being a quirkless Deku and so he needed to hide. At least here he can’t bother anyone and no one can touch him. Alone was the norm, so why does it hurt so much?

He desperately wants Nana. One second to have her to ghost her fingers through his hair and call him Sprout again. He just wants to hear her tell him it’s going to be alright. Just to breathe along with her own calming breaths.

He wanted to hear anything from any of them. The people he's grown to love like family. If he’s even allowed to call them that. He likes to think of them like that, even if it wasn’t a long time. Even having the vague ghost of allmight always with him was comforting, knowing his mentor was right there with him always.

But now he can’t hear anything but his own thoughts, and aren't those damning. He wheezes again. He can’t get air. He can’t do anything but gasp as his chest constricts.

He really was useless, he can’t handle being what he was for fourteen years again? He was alone for so long, it was his whole life. Why is he panicking over something that was his normal for so long?

His brain bites back, saying it's because he doesn’t want to go back. He doesn’t want to feel that weak again. He wants to be able to strategize with the other users, to pool their knowledge and win. To be the hero Izuku was meant to be. The one he wants to continue to be forever.

But that's…

Slipping…

Away.

Izuku’s chest spasms and he whimpers.

He can’t do this, he doesn’t know how to be the hero Deku when he’s like this. Are his dreams really over? Barely sixteen and this is… it?

Tears blurred his vision as he gasped again. Izuku dugs his nails into his scalp, trying to do anything to stop the thoughts burning.

-

Shouta wished Midoriya had picked a closer building to have a breakdown in. It only took him a couple of minutes to make his way toward the one Jiro said he was located in, but in situations like this, Aizawa didn’t want to leave his student alone for longer than necessary.

Finally, he made it to the building, listening closely for signs of life as he made his way up the stairs. For a while he just heard his own footsteps. Maybe he went up too far?

Then he heard a small whimper.

The door to the floor was ajar, so Shouta headed into the office space, eyes scanning for his student. It was pretty bare, these were fake buildings, so UA didn’t add much. Other than basic office structures the rooms were empty.

“Midoriya?” Shouta calls out, hoping his student is faring better than what Jiro had reported.

No reply.

Shouta keeps moving through the floor, listening for another sound from the boy.

There. A smothered sob. He turned the corner to see his problem child curled up in the corner of a dusty room, barely breathing.

“Hey kid?” Shouta says.

Midoriya doesn’t look up. He could see the kid was breathing harshly, moving slightly, almost like he's shaking uncontrollably. Fuck. He needed to break Midoriya out of this now, before he passed out.

Shouta moved forward and crouched down in front of Midoriya to get on the boy’s sight level.

“Midoriya, I need you to focus on me, okay? I want you to listen to me breathing and try to match mine?”

Shouta takes a deep breath in, and then loosely lets it out. He repeats this a couple times.

“Come on, kid, I need you to try to work with me.” Shouta tried again.

“I- I can’t.” Midoriya choked out.

“Just try for one right now. Just one with me?” Shouta took a breath, and watched as Midoriya took one in as well. Not great, but it's a start.

“Okay and out.” Shouta continued

More tears rolled down Midoriya’s cheeks as he let out the shaky breath.

“Good, can you follow me on another one?”

Shouta was able to get Midoriya to follow him a few more times, his breathing becoming more regular. He could even see the color returning more to the boy’s pale face. Progress.

“I’m sorry, sensei.” Midoriya whispered.

Shouta sighed. “No need to apologize.” Shouta moved to be sitting next to his student, he leaned up against the grey wall behind the two of them. He looked over at Midoriya, taking in how the boy seemed to be trying to make himself even smaller. What event triggered this to happen?

“So,” Shouta started, “What’s going on that head of yours?”

-

Izuku couldn’t help the tears filling up in his eyes again.

“Woah- hey-” Aizawa says, clearly a bit panicked by his sudden reaction.

“S’Sorry.” He stuttered out. Izuku wiped at his eyes, trying to get his crying under control.

“I just want to help you out, but I need something to work with here.” Aizawa stated.

Izuku pondered it. He doesn’t really want to explain everything going on in his head. That he felt so empty that he might never feel whole again. Even though he should be fine, he's just going back to what he’s always been. Would sensei even understand, or even want to? Izuku knows Aizawa is different, that he isn’t like his other teachers in the past, but he still feels that pang of fear gripping his heart.

He was going to be quirkless again soon enough. What if…

Izuku put his head down on his knees and wrapped his arms around himself, trying to hide himself from view. He doesn’t think he can face his teacher right now.

“I don’t know if I can.” Izuku mumbles out.

Izuku hears Aizawa shift, and suddenly he feels his Sensei’s hand running through his hair. Izuku tenses at first, but… it feels nice. It reminds him of Nana. He can almost imagine she’s here, doing it instead. Then the guilt rolled in. Aizawa is his teacher, a real person right in front of him trying to help, not a ghost trace of a person who died even before Izuku was born. He should be grateful Aizawa’s here dealing with Izuku at all and all he can think about is Nana? Izku should win the award for shittiest person alive for this one.

“You know the first time I had a panic attack I thought I was dying. I could barely think straight either. But you wanna know what helped?” Aizawa said.

Izuku slightly moved his head up and down, rubbing his cheek against his knees. He didn’t dare to move it upwards to look at his teacher.

Aizawa continued to run his fingers along his curls and spoke up again, “I talked about it with people I trusted.”

Oh.

Izuku knew he trusted Aizawa. He has seen his teacher protect him and his classmates time and time again. Izuku watched just how far the man would go to make sure they all made it home alive, and they did.

Izuku took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He can talk about it. He can tell someone, he won’t die by telling one person how he’s actually feeling.

Izuku raised his head, and looked out into the dreary room they were sitting in. It really was all grey, washed out from the dust. He hated it.

“I don’t know how to handle being alone.”

“Alone?” Aizawa prompted, trying to get the kid to continue.

Izuku nodded slowly. “I know I didn’t talk much to you about my quirk, and I’m sorry you didn’t know about One for All sooner. But… you know the basics right?”

Aizawa nodded.

Izuku continued, “You know I haven’t had it for long, but still, it’s a part of me. And with what I had to do to defeat Shigaraki, the quirk…” He trails off, not wanting to say it.

“You said it was fading like it has with Allmight.”

Izuku’s chest ached.

“I don’t,” Izuku bites back another sob, he’s so tired of crying, “I don’t know how to handle this.”

“Have you talked to Yagi about this? He probably knows more about how this feels.”

Izuku shakes his head frantically. “No, no. He- Allmight, didn’t- He didn’t have the quirk like me. I can’t deal with asking him about how to handle this, and see his face when he knows he didn’t experience it like I have. I can’t do that.”

“He had the quirk just like you, Midoriya, even though it was different, it could still be helpful.”

“You don’t get it. No one can get this. He- he never had the vestiges like I did! I was the one who interacted with them on a daily basis, learned how they talked, what jokes they liked to crack, what foods they enjoyed when they were alive. I learned so much about every single one of them. From Nana to Yoichi, we were close. I just didn’t realize how little time I would have with all of them, I should have done more with that time.”

-

Shouta fucked up.

He knew the war had been hard on everyone, especially the teenagers. Of course it was, Bakugo wasn’t breathing for a couple minutes. Midoriya had been mutilated as well. They might be more or less physically better, but mentally? That was a different beast. He needed to do better.

Especially because he had been looking over a very important factor.

Teenagers lie about how they are doing. All the time.

And sometimes those teengers are going through things no adult could ever understand. Like having a generational quirk.

“You're mourning seven people who were like family to you.”

“No- It’s-”

“Midoriya. You are allowed to grieve, you know that right?”

“Even… even though I’m the one who used them? I sacrificed them! I killed them to win and Tenko didn’t even live either so what was it all for?”

Midoriya moved unconsciously to tug at his hair again, but Shouta gently grabbed Midoriya’s hands and held them in his own to stop him from hurting himself again.

“You saved Japan, kid, even though you should have never been in that position in the first place. That doesn’t make the sacrifice hurt any less, but it wasn’t for nothing.”

“But-”

“Midoriya.”

The kid flinched, but stayed quiet. Shouta heard a sniffle from the boy. He really should begin to carry around some tissues. He had a feeling this probably won’t be the last time one of his kid’s is going to start crying on him.

Shouta let out a sigh as he processed about how this all came to be. He really should have seen this coming. Maybe some of it was a bit out of the usual realm of teenage breakdowns, but as a heroics teacher, he’s seen a lot of trauma. Being a hero isn’t an easy job, and trying to teach upcoming heroes was even harder.

Shouta needed to talk to all his students after this. He doesn’t want a repeat of this happening in class, or more importantly, when they are back on the field. He knows his students are strong, but clearly it is evident that they need more support. He should have been doing this already. And he was going to start with Midoriya.

Shouta clears his throat.“Midoriya, I’m sorry.”

“Sensei- What?” The kid sounded shocked. Has… he never had an adult apologize to him? His mind drifted to what little he knew about Midoriya’s middle school days, and how bad the statistics were in relation to quirkless kids. This really was a ticking bomb of a breakdown wasn’t it? No wonder Midoriya hasn’t been sleeping.

“No, listen to me, Problem Child. The war has been hard on all of us, but you guys are my students. I need to be able to understand and know what your needs are as children, and clearly I have been slacking off. I know you are strong, but I make a mistake by letting you shoulder too much on your own.”

Wide green eyes stared at him and Shouta wished for he could protect Midoriya from whatever thoughts were plaguing him right now.

“I was strong enough, sensei-” Midoriya sputters out. “But I’m losing it. My support- my quirk- my strength. I don't know what to do. I don’t hate being quirkless but-”

“That was a time when everything, everyone was against you. I know the statistics for younger quirkless people aren’t pretty. But you need to understand you are not alone anymore.” Shouta stated. He wanted the kid to understand that he was on his side.

“But I was so alone then! And I know I have my friends now, and the UA teachers have been nothing but supportive. I just didn’t realize how much the other users were there for me, through it all, they were the core of my support system. They understood me.”

“And with them gone, you were thrown back into the water with no life support jacket.”

“It’s like I'm drowning in silence, sensei.” Isn’t that a heavy metaphor. Midorya squeezed his hand. Shouta had almost forgotten the kid was still clinging onto it. He hoped it was helping ground him. He always liked it when Hizashi let him squeeze his hand when he awoke from a nightmare. He hoped it was just as comforting.

“It’s so quiet… It makes me feel like I’m going crazy. And I don’t know how to talk about it. No one else has had quirk ghosts in their head like mine. Well, other than All for One and Shigaraki. And they’re dead. And they didn’t- They didn’t care about the people in those quirks. So I’m alone again. Everyone treated me like I was nothing when I didn’t have a quirk. Then I had too much, and no one liked me again, comparing me to the nomu like I was a monster. And now? What even am I, sensei? I didn’t like being treated like a monster by people but I’m also terrified of being nothing again. Why am I never what they want?”

“First of all, you are my student, Midoriya. You don’t have to be anything else or be anything for them. You are my number one problem child, but in the sense that I will always be there to help you with your problems. Just don’t tell the class you are number one though, they might make it a competition.”

Midoriya let out a startled giggle about that. Good, Shouta wants to bring that smile back to his face. The real Midoriya smile, not the fake one he's been apparently sporting for weeks. How did he manage to fuck up this bad? No, worry about your feelings as a failing teacher later. Midoriya’s feelings first.

Shouta really needed to get Yagi in on this conversation. Shouta knew that as much as he would do all he can to support Midoroya, but he will need more than just him. The kid thinks Yagi won’t understand, but Shouta has talked to the man. Yagi might not have talked to the vestiges like Midoriya had, but he’s mentioned his mentor before, he knows about that loss.

And he knew that Yagi would do anything for the boy in front of him.

“Thank you Aizawa-sensei.” Midoriya says as he pulls his hands out of Shouta’s. He rubs his palms over his eyes, trying to clear the gunk that's built up.

“I will always be here for you, kid. And I think Yagi needs to be involved in this as well. I know he will support you. I know I can't replace them and neither can all might for that matter but you don’t need to forget them. You can tell me about them, if you want to.”

Shouta watches as Midoriya's mouth quips up in a small smile.

“Well, Banjo always had the wildest stories from his time.”

“Oh, more wild than your own class’ adventures?”

“Most definitely. You aren’t going to believe this one.”

“Lay it on me.”

-

An hour later Shouta was carrying Midoriya in his arms out of the fake city.

Midoriya had fallen asleep in the middle of a different story, one about how En had accidentally befriended some crows in one of the forests he had been living in.

Shouta decided the kid needed the rest, and more importantly a lot more support. Being sixteen and going through all that he had? This was too much, the poor kid was falling apart at the seams.

Shouta recalled being a mess after Shirokumo’s death and that was just one incident. Midoriya had been through so much more than he had dealt with at that age. It was horrifying, and he needed the reality check that of course the kid wasn’t alright.

He had already texted Hizashi asking him to cover for the rest of the class when Midoriya had been telling him about the vestiges. The man agreed quickly, though he did ask if Midoriya was okay. Shouta replied saying he was handing it. Knowing the rest of his class was being handled was able to keep his focus solely on the boy in front of him.

Which is why he was now carrying Midoriya to the nurse’s office. Shouta also did not like how light the boy felt in his arms. He wasn’t sure how much the boy weighed at the beginning of his time at UA, but he seemed lighter than before. Has he not been eating? Another concern. Another trauma response that needs to be addressed

Shouta knocked on the door and waited for Shuzenji to open the door.

“Oh dear, what did that boy do this time?”

Shouta shook his head, “He didn’t do anything. I just want him to get checked over for exhaustion.”

Shuzenji studied the pair as Shouta carefully placed the sleeping boy onto the bed. “So what happened?”

“A breakdown that had been building up for a while.”

“Oh?”

“We fucked up, we being the teachers. We weren’t paying close enough attention.” Shouta explained as he watched Midoriya curled up on his side. He was making himself smaller, even in his sleep.

Shuzenji let out a little hmm as she looked over Midoriya, “What did the boy tell you?”

“Just that he’s worried he’s going to be worthless once One for All completely fades away. And the fact that everyone has celebrated the fact he won, but no one bothered to check in on anything else.”

“Teenagers don’t like to talk about their emotions, don’t beat yourself up too much, sonny.” Shuzenji stated as she looked over Midoriya. His pulse was fine at least. Sleep pattern seemed normal.

“I still should have noticed. He’s my student. He’s terrified of being alone with his thoughts, Shuzenji. I don’t know how to comfort the kid because I don’t know anything about what he’s going through. Midoriya misses the vestiges. He told me about them for an hour. He remembers so much about them but he told me he feels guilty because he feels like he should know more, that he won’t be able to give their memory justice.”

“That is a lot of the poor boy. Does Yagi know he’s been struggling with this?”

Shouta shook his head again. “Midoriya is scared he wouldn’t understand, he’s got it in his head that everyone will just think he's crazy for caring so much about ghosts. I plan on bringing Allmight in once he gets back on campus. Even if Midoriya thinks Yagi won’t understand, it's important that the adults in his life can help him. He needs support.”

“I’m sure between you and Yagi, the boy will be fine.”

Shouta’s eyes scanned over the bed, wondering if he should take off the kid’s shoes. Might be more comfortable that way.

“I hope so.” Shouta replied.

-

Izuku woke up to the feeling of someone running their fingers through his hair again. He felt…

Okay he really didn’t know how he felt. Not great, but better than before. It was a start. Talking to Aizawa-sensei had actually helped. And sensei had listened to him ramble on for so long. He just let him talk about the other users, and didn't interrupt other than to make engaging comments.

It was nice to talk about them again.

“Finally waking up, my boy?”

Izuku blinked up at the man sitting beside him. “Allmight? You’re back already?”

Allmight chuckles, “Actually, you have been asleep for a few hours, so I got back a little while ago. We decided to let you sleep. You needed it.”

“Oh.” Izuku looked around the room. “Wait- why am I in the nurse's office?”

Aizawa appeared from the other room, leaning against the door frame. “In one of your ramblings, you told me you had multiple panic attacks in less than a twenty-four hour period of time, and hadn’t eaten any food that you were able to keep down. Then you fell asleep on my shoulder. Your mental health has been affecting your physical health, so you needed to be checked over.”

Izuku blushed and sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck. The nap did make him feel less tired. The cloud wasn’t as bad now. He didn’t realize how much Aizawa had been paying attention to him, explaining how bad his day had been going.

Allmight cleared his throat. “Izuku, I’m not mad, but I am a bit worried. I know you were a bit hung up about coming to me, but I want you to know I would never judge you for how you are feeling.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t-” Izuku took a deep breath. ”I didn’t want you or anyone else to worry about me. It’s just- Everyone has been wanting everything to go back to normal, to just move on from the war and all the bad stuff that happened. And I have been trying so hard to do that, but I can’t.”

“You don’t have to do that. I’m sorry if we ever made it seem like you can’t talk about it.” Allmight said.

Izuku felt his eyes water again. He was tired of crying. He looked down at his hands, trying to get his eyes to stop filling with tears.

Suddenly an open bottle of water was placed into his hands. He looked up, blinking in surprise as Aizawa.

“Kid, you have been crying all day. You're dehydrated. Please drink this if you’re going to cry again. It's only logical, we can’t have you pass out again.” His teacher stated.

He gingerly placed the bottle to his lips and took a sip. Wow, now that he had water, he realized he was really thirsty. In a few seconds he downed half the bottle.

“I’m sorry I worried you.” Izuku said as he screwed the lid back on the bottle.

Aizawa suppressed another sigh. He’s done that too many times today already, damnit. “We are already past that. It’s our job to worry, just as it is our job to help you.”

“My boy, I want you to be honest with us. We want to help you. Aizawa informed me there are some things we definitely should talk about. I don’t want to force you, of course, but clearly bottling this all in hasn’t been good for your health.”

“I know. I barely know where to start. It’s a lot.” Izuku said, and then blurted out “I also don’t want you to see me differently.” Izuku looks down at his lap again, fiddling with the water bottle still in his hand.

Allmight grabbed Izuku’s hand, holding it gently in his own.

“Izuku, I know you are a kind, and determined boy. Ever since that day I watched you try to save young Bakugo, you have been a hero in my eyes. With or without One for All, you are my hero. I will be by your side through it all, no matter what. I know... losing One for All is a lot to deal with. I never regretted giving it to you, and I am so proud of what you were able to accomplish with it, even if it wasn’t for long. I know both of us wished you could have been able to hold onto it for longer, but you put other needs above your own and made that sacrifice. I will never be upset at you for what happened. Not about the vestiges or the quirk itself. I know all of them would be proud of what you did.”

That was a lot to process. Izuku tried to take in his words, but it still felt hard to believe. He didn’t feel like he did right by Allmight. He should have been stronger.

“Okay. I don’t- I don’t know if I can let it go, but I do appreciate what you said.” Izuku finally concluded. Izuku wanted to believe his words, but the ache in his chest is still wide and bleeding. He doesn’t think he can accept in his heart, at least not yet.

“We aren’t asking you to disregard your feelings, problem child. We just want you to know we are here to remind you that we are on your side. You said your head is too quiet. Well, don’t get lost in there, got it?” Aizawa said.

“What if I can’t stop it?” Izuku asked.

“Then tell one of us, Midoriya.” Aizawa countered, “I think you should talk to Houndog, having some sessions would be beneficial for you. If Hounddog doesn’t fit we can even look into other trusted mental health professionals. And we need to talk to Shuzenji, she may have some recommendations for medications to help you sleep better as well.”

“Oh, really?” Izuku said. He didn’t really… expect things to be done on his behalf. He kinda expected this to be it.

“Did you really think we would leave you to drown, my boy?” Allmight said.

Izuku blushed. “No, I guess… I did get a little lost in my head.”

“It happens. For now on, remember we can help you with that. Bring out that Midoriya smile again! We can talk about the vestiges whenever you like, as well. No one is going to make you forget about them, okay?” Allmight said.

Izuku nodded again. He felt like he had been doing that too much.

“Now, earlier, before you fell asleep, you were telling me about this story Nana told you and it involved embarrassing Allmight. I would like to hear the end of that, so I have some blackmail of Yagi.” Aizawa said.

Allmight paled, “Please tell it's not the one about the shoes.”

Izuku let out a small giggle, “Worse, it's the one about the gum incident.”

Almight groaned. “She told you about the gum story?”

“Now, you have to tell me about both of these.” Aizawa stated as he sat down in the vacant chair, opposite to the side Allmight was currently sitting.

Izuku looked between his two teachers and smiled. Maybe he wasn’t okay right now. Izuku knows he went through hell and lost so much. That grief wasn’t going to go away after one conversation.

But he also knows wasn’t the type to give up. And he had people looking out for him. He didn’t have this in middle school, it wasn’t going to be like it was, no matter how much he brain liked to tell him it cou;d be.

Maybe things would be different from what he dreamed about, and maybe it was going to be hard, but he could deal with it when he had the right people supporting him.

He was a hero and no one could take that from him.