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If he could be even half of what Nishinoya thinks of him, he’s sure he could do anything. He could take on Dateko by himself, and smash through their wall with every spike. He wouldn’t get gut twistingly nervous before tournament matches. He could be the pillar of the team, drive them single handedly toward victory every game, keep them going when things got rough. He could move mountains and make the earth stand still. Most of the time, it’s enough of a struggle to keep himself going. It’s different during matches, because his mind is so wrapped up in hitting the ball just right. Making sure the receives are good, his serve is spot on. There are others to focus on, not just himself, so the self-doubt in himself and his capabilities can be pushed aside in favor of giving his energy to a bigger cause.
When Asahi sees how the libero is with everyone, how he is when he thinks no one is watching, it makes his chest tighten and his heart crawl into his throat. His own rapport with the team isn’t anything to sneeze at. It’s easy to laugh along at Tanaka’s antics, or calm Hinata down enough to prevent a repeat of the whole puking in Tanaka’s lap fiasco. It had been worse after their fallout when they lost to Dateko. He hadn’t seen the way Nishinoya had looked expectantly at the doorway to the gym, disappointment clear in his face when the realization came that Asahi wasn’t coming, but he could imagine what it had looked like after Nishinoya had knocked off the principal’s wig in a fit of passion. It wasn’t hard to piece together the looks of desperation, anger, hopefulness all mixed into one pained expression.
If he could be half of what Nishinoya thinks of him, he would have understood without hesitation how his friend accepted him back into the fold so easily. The tightening his chest from every glance wouldn’t have gotten worse. Maybe he could have felt better about himself a lot quicker; maybe he’d feel good about himself right now. He doesn’t think he’s a terrible person. Terrible people ruin lives, hurt others on purpose. They show no remorse. He does, however, think he’s bad. He’s bad because he thinks (no, he knows) that Nishinoya is so good, so wonderful, and Asahi is nothing like him.
If Asahi could ever be half of what Nishinoya holds him up to be, he knows he could love himself as much as he loves Nishinoya.