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"Uhm, hello? I still think that talking to an embryo is ridiculous, but apparently my witch does it and asked me to try. She's asleep now, so it's less embarrassing. Merlin, I'm talking to a blob of cells. My name is Severus. Severus Tobias Snape. I'm not entirely certain about the decision to keep it. I mean, keep you. I have no paternal instinct or desire to be a father. The last time I thought about having family? I was fourteen, I believe. I didn't dare to think of it ever again. I knew I'd be dead by then. Everyone knew. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve you. With my past, all the things I've done, how could I hold such a pure innocence? Such an insane thought to entertain."
"Hermione is just as insane. I don't deserve her, her warmth, her love, anything she does. Perhaps she's gone mental after the war and she still is, even after ten years. Claiming that she loves me, every time she wakes up, every time she falls asleep. Utterly crazy, your mother. Uh, it was relatively neutral to meet you. For now. Goodbye, embryo."
"Well, we are officially keeping you, embryo. Granger's arguments were compelling enough. Now she's crying because she thinks that she's baby-trapping me and forcing me to have a child. Stupid, stupid woman. Won't listen, even though I keep telling her that I do, after all, want an offspring. I'm still getting used to the idea of you, especially when my witch is kneeling by the toilet ten times a day and keeps crying all the time. She's asleep again, finally. I may like you, embryo. Stop hurting your mother, little parasite. Have a good day in there."
"You know, I've never been so terrified, not even while standing face to face with death personified. Not when my body was shutting down, not when the smallest mistake of mine could destroy this world. But here we are, hm. Goodnight, embryo. I think I love you already."
"I've never let myself imagine having something so pure, so innocent, so fragile in my life. How can I be sure I won't hurt you? How can I be a good father when mine tried to kill me more times than I can remember? What if I turn out like him? What if you hate me for everything I have ever done? What if you hate me for being me? What if one day you say you'd rather have a flobberworm as your father instead of the old, ugly, ruined excuse of a man?"
"Now, if you excuse me, I have to grab another jar of bloody peanut butter and tangerines for your mother. She's been napping for two hours now, so it's better to be prepared beforehand. Stay safe and warm in there. I love you, fetus."
"I pray to all that is holy and more so that you inherit everything from your mother. Your Mummy, as she already refers to herself when she's talking to you. Or Mama. Mama would be the easiest one for you to grasp, hm? Though if you turn out anything like your mum, I should expect you to brew Polyjuice potion by the age of three. Goodnight, fetus. I love you."
"Please, don't get my nose. Granger says she loves it, but I know better. You will be perfect no matter what, yes, but I don't think my heart could take you being bullied for something that was never your fault. Just mine. Well, and my bloody father. Your mother's nose is much better. A-ha, you better have hair easier to maintain than this damned mane that constantly attempts to suffocate me every morning. Try to untangle that, for Merlin's balls. Testicles. I shouldn't use crude language in front of a child. Gods, what am I even doing? You can't hear me. Goodnight, female fetus. Only nine weeks left. I love you."
"We, as in Granger and I, finally decided on the name for you. It's high time, really. She had a minor breakdown because her shrunken to peanut-size, hormonally affected brain made her think that I wanted to name you Lily. Hmph. As if. This is the chapter I closed years ago and have no intention of going back. Now, where was I? A-ha, name. Minerva Helena Granger-Snape. Minnie. I didn't even argue with the choice of your last name. You're half me, half your Mummy, so why settle for just the Snape?"
"Minerva, the old one, not you, wept for ten minutes when Hermione told her about your name. She wants to be your grandma. Pfft. She's not my mother, that meddling woman. Again, I was unable to refuse. You have two grandmothers, then. Your room, the nursery, is overflowing with all the stuff people keep bringing there. My eyes hurt from the amount of pink. Stop abusing your mother's insides. She's barely waddling around the house, and you keep making her piss herself? Shame on you, young lady. Behaviour like this is frowned upon in Slytherin. Five more weeks. Goodnight, Minnie. I love you."
"Your mother went nuts. She decided to deep clean the whole house. Yesterday and today. Twice. She's swollen, uncomfortable, and bloody tired, yet she chooses to ignore my pleas and reassurances. 'Minnie can't breathe in any dust, everything must be washed twice, what if she doesn't like this blankie, there may be germs in here!' I tried, Minerva, I tried. She should be resting since you're arriving in two weeks, but she knows better, right? Now, try to sleep and don't kick Mama too much. Goodnight, Minnie. I love you."
This time, he was sitting in the living room, his eyes glancing at the window from time to time, keeping an eye on his darling witch. After a quick amused scoff, Snape shook his head, his eyes refocusing on the Muggle ultrasound scan from three weeks earlier.
"Hey, little one. You are supposed to be born in two days. I know that everything is prepared for your arrival, but am I? Excuse my obscene language, however I feel like a first-year Hufflepuff soiling their pants during their first ever Potions class."
"Oh, and I finally connected the dots. Your awfully intelligent and completely rational mother is nesting. That's why she's kneeling outside and digging in dirt. She decided that it is absolutely necessary to start a veggie patch. Right now, when she's about to burst. Yes, I got yelled at after suggesting a break. Yes, she threw her mini shovel at me. Remind me, Minnie, what went wrong with my life choices? She's lucky I love her more than words can describe. Insufferable wench, that one."
"Uhm, good evening. I'm Severus. Severus Tobias Snape, and somehow I am your father. I have introduced myself months ago, however you deserve to hear it now that you're here. You're smaller than I thought you would be, and it makes me feel more scared. I'm scared to hold you, to touch you, to do anything because I can't help but think about accidentally hurting you in any way. You should've come with some sort of manual. I feel so inadequate. Your Mama is a natural. From the moment she got to hold you for the first time she knew what to do, and I am, well, me. I'm sorry that I'm not the father you deserve, but I promise to learn, to do my best, to protect you, to keep you safe."
"Please, forgive me, my little darling, for that one moment I said I didn't want you. Daddy loves you more than anything. Your Mummy and you, you're the reason I keep going, the reason I wake up in the morning. You gave my miserable life a meaning it always lacked. I owe you two so much that I have no idea how to repay my debts. Hm, is that crib comfy? You seem to be calm against my chest. So warm. It's a pleasant feeling, the minuscule weight of your little body. You are smaller than my forearm, somehow. I will be right back. The midwife is calling me. In the meantime, try not to wake Mummy up. She worked so hard to bring you into this world. Goodnight, Minnie. I love you."