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Izzy's vision loss came quickly over the last year and a half. But, it felt gradual in day to day activities. Things because not and more difficult to read or see at a distance. Then the distance came closer.
Izzy and Roach made small adjustments to their lives to accommodate Izzy's sight, which were paired with existing ones for his leg and prosthesis. High traffic areas in their home were kept free of obstacles and everything had a constant place where it belonged so Izzy could find it when he needed it.
Izzy took a shower one morning after Roach had already left for work. When he finished, he grabbed his towel and started to dry himself off before fully stepping out of the shower in front of the mirror. He wrapped the towel around his waist and looked into the mirror. The glass reflected a hazy ill-defined image of Izzy and the rest of the bathroom on its condensation covered surface. Izzy stepped towards the counter and leaned over the sink, wiping a hand across the glass. The image didn't change. Izzy thought the steam from the shower coated the glass as quickly as he wiped it away and thought nothing of it as he left the room to get dressed.
Izzy decided he wanted to dress a little nicer than his jeans and T-shirts combo he'd been rocking for a few weeks. His husband deserved to come home to a change in wardrobe (even if they weren't going anywhere) every once in a while. Izzy put on his favorite black slacks, a royal purple button down shit and a black waistcoat to match the slacks. He felt good and knew he looked good.
He walked back to the bathroom to do his hair before it completely dried. By then the steam had cleared and Izzy did his hair out of muscle memory. He looked in the mirror to make sure everything was in order and frowned. The mirror still looked fogged over, but he knew it was dry.
A wave of realization hit him like a MAC truck. He couldn't remember when he had last looked into the mirror and saw himself clearly. For months it has always been a vague shape he had ignored as he went about his business. But as he looked this time, after spending the effort to dress up, he realized how much he missed seeing his reflection.
Izzy's eyes filled with tears as he stepped away from the mirror. He absently team a hand through his hair, messing up the styling, as he left the bathroom and out to the living room. He sat down hard on the couch with his face in his hands as he sobbed.
Izzy was making dinner when Roach walked in the front door. He heard the keys jingle in the bowl and Roach’s shoes plop on the floor.
“Welcome home!” He called as Roach entered the kitchen.
“I'm right here, Little Man.” Roach replied gently. He wrapped an arm around Izzy's waist as he came up from behind. “And don't you look ravishing! What's the occasion?” Roach kissed Izzy's cheek and playfully nipped at his earlobe.
Izzy shrugged, “ can't a guy dress nice an’ cook for his husband?” Izzy felt Roach eye him suspiciously.
“Hmm, I suppose not. But surely there is more reason than that, Little Man”
Izzy turned in Roach’s direction,”the reason is I fuckin felt like it! I got sick of trading one T-shirt for another every morning, so I did somethin different.”
Roach nodded,” that is fair enough. Are you okay though? You seem upset.”
Izzy slumped against Roach’s chest. “I've been spiraling since this morning. I've tried distracting myself with movies or listening t’ a book, but it didn't work.”
“What's wrong, habibi?” Roach asked. He wrapped himself around Izzy and stroked the back of his head.
“I miss seeing my reflection,” Izzy answered, his voice cracking.
Roach huffed a small laugh,” what? What does that mean?”
Izzy looked up at his husband, face pressed into his chest and tears streaming. “I miss being able t’ see myself in the mirror,Roach. And not just for the sake of being dysphoric and checking my tits haven't magically grown back,” he took a shaky breath and wiped at his eyes. “But I don't know what I look like anymore. I literally don't see myself in the mirror and I miss it. I get small glances when you show me pictures of us when we go out, sure. But I can't go into our bathroom and look into the mirror and see for myself. So, that's been spinning around my head all day, a new aspect of my life to mourn as my stupid fucking eyes get worse.” Izzy let himself collapse fully into Roach's embrace and let his emotions out into the safety of his lover's chest.
Roach reached over Izzy as he cried to turn the heat on the stove off so that Izzy’s forgotten dinner prep didn't burn. He held Izzy tight and kept stroking his hair as he rocked gently in place.
“I am so sorry, my love. I cannot imagine how frightening and upsetting this all must be, but I will remind you again, stubborn man, that I am here and I will do anything you need to make this easier on your mind. I may be biased towards your beauty in any style of dress,or lack of dress, but I can help you and let you know if something is out of place or if you miss a spot shaving. I can be your mirror, little man. And I can talk, so that's an immediate upgrade to the slab of glass in the bathroom!” Roach giggled at his own home and kissed the top of Izzy's head. Izzy's breathing because even and he relaxed in Roach's arms. “All you must do is ask me. Take a picture yourself and text me at work if you need. I can step away for a few minutes and call you. It is okay.”
They stood silently together for a few minutes, Izzy sniffled and wiped his eyes. He wrapped his arms around Roach, finally returning his embrace. Roach kept gently rocking and playing with Izzy's hair, humming something softly Izzy didn't recognize.
Roach let Izzy go and guided him to the dining table to sit. “Let me finish cooking, little man,” he said, a statement of fact more than an offer. “You have had a hard day and should relax while I take care of you.”
Izzy knew better than to argue, but tried anyway,”no c'mon, you just got home from work, I was trying t’--”
Roach cut him off, “Ah-ah, no. I appreciate your effort and it's very sweet of you, but I want you to relax.”
“Fuckin, fine,” Izzy agreed reluctantly.