Work Text:
April 1999
It was a beautiful late afternoon in Almere. This artificial new town, built less than twenty-five years ago, had been designed to accommodate Amsterdam's outcasts. An ideal place for young families looking to raise their children in peaceful residential areas.
Ebbe was one such child from Almere. At the age of fifteen, the teenager was on his way home after a Saturday afternoon spent with his mates. He was determined to be home by 6 p.m., just in time to listen to his favorite rock show on the radio. What he loved about this show was the diversity of the program : it featured both the great rock classics and the hits of the moment, not forgetting young local bands who found it an opportunity to make a name for themselves.
But above all, Ebbe had a ritual. For each broadcast, he would record the show on a blank cassette, so that he could listen to it again later.
He arrived in his room just in time to turn on the radio just as the credits began to roll. Now he had to find a blank cassette. But his room was a mess, like those of many teenagers of his age. Rummaging through the clutter, he paid no attention to the presenters who were launching the program and introducing the first two bands, young Dutch formations featured on the show.
Finally, he got his hands on a cassette. Without missing a beat, he inserted it into his hi-fi player and pressed the record button. Phew. He'd have a copy of the first song played, even if it was missing the first two or three seconds.
November 2019
The weather in Maya's hometown was unseasonably gloomy. The light rain and cold didn't bother her all that much. In any case, she wasn't in the mood for socializing today. This Sunday, she was simply going to lock herself in her room and hang out on the Internet.
Although she'd made progress since her hospitalization, the idea of spending time with others didn't always appeal to her. And with this gray weather, even less so. Before retreating into her bubble, she took care to hang a “Do not disturb” sign on her bedroom door. A request her sisters had learned to respect since her definitive return home a few months ago.
Surfing the web, Maya landed on Reddit, a site where she occasionally hung out. She browsed the various topics posted until she came across a message on the Dutch subreddit. It mentioned a popular discussion on a subreddit devoted to lost medias : a mysterious song by an untraceable band, supposedly from the Netherlands.
Intrigued, she clicked on the link to the other subreddit and discovered the message from u/ EbbeneezerGoode :
“Hello,
My name is Ebbe and I'm from the Netherlands. Recently, for my 35ᵉ birthday, I was given a cassette to MP3 converter.
When I was a teenager, I used to listen to a rock show on the radio every Saturday. It offered a varied program, mixing classics and new releases, and also offered a chance for young local bands to make a name for themselves. These bands usually played at the beginning of the show.
Since I got my converter, I've been writing down every band and every track I've heard on my old tapes. But I have a problem with one song in particular: I have neither the name of the band nor the title. The recording is cut at the beginning, so I didn't catch the first few seconds.
The other song played after this one was easier to identify, as the host recalled the title and the band immediately afterwards. Unfortunately, he didn't do the same for the first song.
All I know is that the show was recorded in the spring of 1999, perhaps in April, but I'm not sure.
The song in question is a grunge tune, performed by an all-female band or featuring at least two female singers. I'll put a link here.
Thanks in advance for your help !”
Maya scanned the many comments under the post. Many were suggesting potential band names. Dutch, Belgians, but also English and Germans were taking part in the discussion. Some suggested contacting the radio station to see if they still had archives of the show. The author of the message replied that he had already tried, but had so far received no response.
Unfortunately, no one could solve this mystery, which was beginning to captivate more and more Internet users.
Curious, Maya clicked on the link shared in the post. A new page opened on YouTube, and the video started automatically. The image showed an audio cassette, probably the one used for the recording.
As for the music, the sound quality left much to be desired, no doubt due to the limitations of the vintage equipment. Nevertheless, the song itself was quite catchy. The singer put a lot of energy into her performance, and the other musicians followed her rhythm with a well-controlled intensity. Maya let herself be carried away by the melody.
This band would have been the perfect opening act for a rock night in a small concert hall.
Then came the chorus. Another female voice took over.
Barely two seconds had passed before Maya felt a wave of chills run down her spine. She knew that voice.
Instinctively, she pulled back the video and listened to the chorus again. Her impression grew stronger.
“No... this can't be...” she thought.
She replayed the passage again and again, engraving every word, every intonation in her memory.
There was no doubt.
It was her.
Without missing a beat, she grabbed her phone and sent a group message to her sisters:
“Come and see me in my room! I've got something to show you !”
Seconds later, Coco and Mymy entered the room.
“We're here, Maya ! How nice of you to call and show us your discoveries !” exclaimed Coco, her tone as cheerful as ever. Then, after a short pause, she added with a touch of hesitation: “...uh... but you know... we're right next door... You can come and see us too, you know ?” all the while taking care to weigh her words, not to rush her sister.
Maya lowered her head, a little embarrassed. “Ah... uh... heh... maybe you're right...haha” she stammered.
Mymy continued: “I just hope you're not going to show us another one of your decadent Oriental anime shows.”
She accompanied her remark with an exaggerated imitation of an “ahegao face”.
A heavy silence instantly fell over the room. A polar wind whipped across the back of her neck, and four dark eyes focused on her.
After a few seconds' hesitation, Maya finally spoke again: “...Anyway. I just wanted to play you this song I found on the Internet. Listen carefully to the chorus and tell me if it reminds you of anyone.”
Maya started the song again from the beginning. After about 50 seconds, the chorus came on. Coco and Mymy shared her reaction as the second singer began to sing.
“Can you play the chorus again, Maya ?” asked Coco.
At these words, Maya stepped back a few tens of seconds so that her sisters could listen again. Then a third time. Then a fourth.
Coco frowned, seeming to come to the same conclusion as Maya.
“We agree... that voice sounds like Mrs Persijn's, doesn't it ?”
“Yes, that's exactly what I'm thinking. It's our history teacher's voice.”
“I knew she liked rock, but to have been in a band and sing...”
There was silence. Maya was trying to figure out how to phrase the rest of the conversation.
“But how can we be sure? If anything, we could be solving a mystery.”
“A mystery ?” asked Mymy, intrigued.
“Yes... Let's say there's a guy on Reddit who's been trying to track down info on this group for the last eight months. There are already over 700,000 views on YouTube, and lots of theories, but none of them have been confirmed.”
“Why don't you ask the teacher directly ?” suggested Coco.
“Huh ?! But why me ?”
“Because... er... you're the one who discovered the song. Besides, think of it as a good socialization exercise.”
“...What about you, Mymy ? Wouldn't you like to take care of it ?” tried Maya, looking for a way out.
“Haha, no! Coco's right : you found her first, so it's up to you to ask the questions. Besides, I don't want to take a bottle to the head again.”
Maya sighed.
“Well... Okay, I'll do it.”
She reluctantly agreed, looking away from her sisters, head down and pouting. She was far from enchanted by this mission.
The following Tuesday
- “...Well, class is over. We'll resume this chapter on Friday. Have a nice rest of the day.”
With these words, Mrs. Persijn ended her lesson.
Immediately, her students began to pack up and leave the room for their next lesson. Only one person remained behind.
Maya.
She slowly approached her teacher.
Vera Persijn watched her out of the corner of her eye. Since March and Maya's suicide attempt, the teacher had changed profoundly. She, who once seemed perpetually bitter and tired, had mellowed. Convinced that she herself was on a self-destructive slope, she had reviewed her behavior and lifestyle.
Although she had always refused to have a favorite among her students, she had a deep respect for Maya, admiring the way the teenager had risen from such a brutal ordeal.
She had promised herself to be more attentive to her students. And for Maya, that promise counted double.
“Mrs Persijn ? May I speak to you for two minutes, please ?” asked Maya shyly.
“Of course, Maya. What can I do for you ? Is everything all right ?” replied Vera, with a hint of concern.
She feared the young girl was going through another bad patch.
“No... no, ma'am, I'm fine.” Maya hesitated for a second, then jumped in. “Here's the thing... The other day, I was hanging out on Reddit, on a forum dedicated to songs and videos whose author we're looking for. And I came across a song that supposedly comes from the Netherlands.”
She paused.
“And...I feel like I recognize your voice...Can...can you confirm that ?”
Maya started the song. From the very first notes, a wave of nostalgia swept over Vera. She could see herself in her twenties, pink hair, rocker looks.
She was rebellious. Free. Happy.
A shiver ran through her body as her own voice echoed in the chorus.
She could see herself back in that recording studio, headphones on, performing.
Then, suddenly, reality caught up with her. She remembered why she had buried that part of her life.
Nostalgia faded, giving way to sadness. Then anger.
When the song ended, Maya's hesitant voice broke the silence: “So ? Was that you?”
Vera looked away.
“...Er...not at all.” replied Vera curtly. “Listen, Maya, it's not polite to ask questions like that. Leave the room, you'll be late for your next class.”
The discussion was closed.
Maya bowed her head in shame. She left the room, uncomfortable with Vera's abrupt reaction.
That evening, Vera closed the door to her apartment and automatically removed her shoes.
She dropped onto the sofa, her head full of contradictory thoughts.
The discovery of Maya had disturbed her. She should have repressed these memories, buried them once and for all... but instead, she found herself overwhelmed by a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts.
After a few minutes, she straightened up and made her way to a cupboard.
Behind the doors lay an impressive collection of vinyl records, CDs and cassettes, witnesses to an era she'd never completely abandoned.
Although she'd left the stage, music was still a part of her life, usually tinged with melancholy.
She rummaged among the CD sleeves. Her fingers glided over the plastic, touching on memories she'd tried to forget.
Then she came across a cover that had obviously been forgotten for years.
Inside, several records.
And among them, the one she was looking for.
A single CD, with “EP” written on it in black letters.
It contained the complete song that Ebbe, Maya and other Internet users were desperately trying to identify.
But also four other tracks, which her former band had composed.
Vera stared longingly at the CD between her fingers.
Part of her was whispering to her to destroy it. To draw a definitive line under the past. But if she'd wanted to get rid of it, she would have done it years ago. Deep down, she knew her past would resurface.
She inserted the disc into a player. The first notes echoed through her apartment, and immediately nostalgia took over from anger and sadness.
She listened to all five songs with a heavy heart. Then her mind went back to Maya's words.
“A lot of people are looking for this song...”
Machinically, she turned on her PC.
She typed Reddit into the search bar and found the topic her student was talking about.
She scrolled through the thread, carefully reading the messages left by u/ EbbeneezerGoode and other users.
Finally, she clicked on the YouTube link attached to the original post.
The video appeared, and Vera's eyes widened. Hundreds of thousands of views. An impressive number of likes, as well as numerous glowing comments.
She couldn't believe her eyes.
Vera thought for a moment, then came to the conclusion that many people would like to know the name of the band and the song.
She hesitated a moment longer, then went back to Reddit and created an account under the pseudonym “Veranda78” and joined the discussion.
And, finally, she typed her message:
“Good evening,
I think I'm one of the people you've been looking for.
This is me singing during the chorus.
My name is Vera, I'm 41 and I was in a grunge band in the late '90s when I was a history student.
We were “Rust & Riot” and we did an EP and a few concerts during that time.
I was the lead guitarist and occasionally sang.
The track you're looking for is called “Flowers for your Ashes”, and I have a better-quality copy on CD. »
Vera couldn't back out now, so she went back for the disc. She opened her PC's CD drive and inserted it.
The computer detected the tracks. She started extracting the tracks and saved them in her “Music” folder.
Now she needed a platform to share them. After some research, she came across SoundCloud. She created an account. Then she put “Flowers for Your Ashes” online.
After more than a decade in oblivion, the song had officially resurfaced. Cutting and pasting, she added the link to the Reddit thread to prove to the Internet that she owned the song.
She quickly realized that the first reactions would be forthcoming. That this simple post would provoke a flood of comments, excitement and questions. But she didn't have the courage to see them. So she closed her PC.
A few months earlier, faced with such an intense moment, she would have lit a cigarette. Or downed a beer. Most likely both. But Vera was no longer the same, and that behavior was a thing of the past. She went to her fridge, took out a bottle of Coke and poured herself a glass. Sugar was still her only addiction.
After drinking, she lay down on the bed. In the silence of her apartment, a memory resurfaced :
A piece of paper, hanging on a university noticeboard.
“We're an all-girl grunge band and we're looking for a guitarist.
If you're interested, get in touch with Anka on: xxx-xxxx between 6pm and 8.30pm.”
That was how it all began.
The following evening, after her day's work, Vera turned on her PC and returned to Reddit. Her post had created quite a buzz : hundreds of upvotes, dozens of comments and pinned at the top of the response list.
The first response was, of course, from EbbeneezerGoode, who thanked him warmly for providing an answer to the piece that had been haunting his thoughts for some time.
Then the questions followed:
“Are you going to post the other tracks from the EP ?”
“Yes, soon.”
“When was the band founded ?”
“ In 1998. ”
She answered the simplest questions. But some questions brought back bad memories:
“Who were the other members of the group ?”
“Are you still in touch ?”
“Why did the band split up ?”
Vera ignored these messages and closed the PC, she wasn't ready to face her past.
She threw herself on the sofa and tried to hold on to a good memory.
Her first concert.
“HEY! ARE YOU HOT TONIGHT?!?
I'm Anka!
On drums and bass, sisters Lies and Mies !
And on guitar... our newest member... VERA !”
That evening, Vera remembered feeling invincible.
The next day was the last class of the week.
Vera taught as if nothing had happened, letting nothing show.
When the bell rang, she greeted her pupils, then ordered Maya to stay here. The teenager moved slowly towards the office, dreading another admonition.
Once alone, Vera spoke: “I owe you an apology, Maya...the other day, I lied to you. It was me on the song.”
Maya's eyes lit up.
“Wow ! I knew it ! That's great !”
A silence settled, Maya pondered, then asked:
“Can you tell me ? Why did you join a band ? What was it called ?”
“You see, Maya... when I was your age, I was a rebel. I had hair dyed pink, I lived for rock, and most of all, for grunge.
I grew up with Nirvana, and my dream was to become a rock star.
I learned to play electric guitar, and in 1998, when I was at History college, I came across an advert for a grunge band looking for a guitarist.
I immediately hit it off with the other members, and that's how I joined « Rust & Riot ». There were four of us: me on guitar, Lies and Mies - two sisters - on bass and drums... and the singer, the leader of the band: Anka.”
“And you played concerts ?”
“Yes, we have. The first was in 1998, in a small hall near the university. It was one of the best days of my life.
We went on to play other venues and small festivals in 1999. Then we got our chance on the radio, which is how “Flowers for your Ashes” came to be broadcast to the general public.
We released an EP, sold merch during our concerts...we even had plans for an album, but...”
“But what ?”
“We were short of money...and above all time. We had to finish our studies. So, in 2000, we went our separate ways.”
“That's a shame... But you could contact them again ! With the sudden popularity of “Flowers for Your Ashes”, they'll surely be delighted ! And who knows... maybe you could get back together !”
“Ahah... Well... We lost sight of each other, you know...I'm not sure I'll be able to find them again... ahah...Well, Maya, I think your sisters are waiting for you. Have a nice weekend !”
Vera's embarrassed tone accompanied by a nervous laugh put an end to the conversation.
Once home, Vera reconnected on Reddit, unable to escape messages asking for more information about the group and whether a reformation was planned.
Vera was always uncomfortable with these questions.
Then, lost in thought, she plunged back into that dark day.
The day Rust & Riot split up.
That day, Vera had met up with Anka, Lies and Mies. The guitarist wanted to talk about the band's plans, especially the first album.
“ When are we going back to the studio ? ” she asked impatiently.
Anka sighed and crossed her arms. “ Vera... you know it's complicated right now. We've run out of money. ”
“ And we don't have time either, ” Lies continued. “ Between our studies and our jobs on the side, we can't do everything. ”
Mies nodded. “ We need to slow down. We've been over this. ”
Vera fidgeted in her chair. “ Yes, but... could we still start writing new texts ? Anticipate a little ? ”
Mies stared at her. “ Vera, are you still thinking of becoming a rockstar ? ”
Vera froze. The words hit her like a slap in the face.
“ Grow the fuck up !” continued Mies. “ All we do is open concerts, sell three T-shirts and a badge here and there. If we can sell an EP, it's a good night. ”
Lies agrees: “ We'll never be famous, Vera. And we never plan to be. ”
Anka locked eyes with Vera. “ You're not going to throw your life away over a dream, are you ? ”
There was silence. Then Mies said, almost disillusioned: “ And then... grunge is kind of dead. It's time to move on. ”
Vera's blood ran cold.
“ HOW CAN GRUNGE BE DEAD ? ” she exploded.
Anka pounded her fist on the table. “ Damn it, Vera, you're a pain in the ass ! You're such a child ! ”
Vera clenched her fists. “The kid who believed in this project the most ? The kid who found venues, who canvassed festivals ? Who fought to get a radio station to play our song ?”
Lies raised an eyebrow. “ And where did that get us, quite clearly, Vera ? ”
An icy silence fell over the group. Anka was the first to rise.
“ I quit. ” Her voice was unmistakable. “ I can't stay with a chick who thinks she's a star when all we wanted to do was have fun. Goodbye, everybody. ”
Without a backward glance, she walked away. Lies and Mies soon followed.
“ We're off too. If you want to make your album, you're on your own, we won't be here. ”
Mies gave her one last look. “ Yeah, bye... Thanks for ruining everything, Vera. ”
And Vera was now alone.
She returned to her student studio in a bad mood. Once home, Vera stared down at her guitar.
With a jerk, she grabbed it. Then, without thinking, she smashed it on the floor. Once. Twice. Then three times. Until all that was left was a pile of broken wood and torn ropes.
She broke down in tears. Her illusions were gone. She'd lost her friends and would never be a rock star.
So she turned to history. She plunged back into her studies, graduated and became a teacher. But she was never satisfied. She quickly became disillusioned with the educational system, depressed, jaded and cold. She took refuge in alcohol, tobacco and sugar to try and forget her failure.
When students like Cleo talked about becoming professional musicians, she silently laughed at them. Waiting for the day when they would crash into the wall of reality.
But one day in March 2019, Vera's world was about to be turned upside down : one of her students had attempted suicide.
Thinking back to poor Maya's case, she came to the conclusion that she too was in the process of self-destructing. So she began to question herself: she gave up cigarettes and alcohol.
She developed more empathy, especially when confronted with the distraught looks of Coco and Mymy, a pupil she hated.
She was encouraged by Maya's reassuring news and by the tentative but real progress she was making, as reported by her sisters.
Little by little, Vera became a person who wanted to enjoy life.
The students began to discover a new person, more open, more human.
She even gave Cleo some advice, seeing her perform with Running in the 60's at an end-of-year party, telling her to always love what you do but keep your feet on the ground.
Everything seemed to be going better and better for Vera, until the day the past caught up with her in a totally unexpected way.
And she was going to have to face it.
Determined, Vera turned on the PC and went onto Facebook. After a few minutes of searching, she found Anka's profile. Then she sent a message:
“Hi Anka,
It's Vera, Rust & Riot's guitarist.
It's been a long time, and I know we didn't part on the best of terms... but I wanted to talk to you about something.
One of our tracks, « Flowers for Your Ashes », has resurfaced on the Internet. For months, an Internet user had the recording without knowing the name of the band or the title. I finally stumbled upon the mystery and recognized our song. So I shared it with them in a better version.
For your information, the recording has over 700,000 views on YouTube, thousands of likes and comments. I'll leave you the link to the discussion here : [link].
All this got me thinking. Looking back, I know I was too idealistic and narrow-minded back then... and that I contributed to the end of the band. I'm very sorry about that.
I'd love to talk to you. Maybe even see you again, if you feel like it.
See you soon, I hope.
Vera ”
Vera reread her message several times. Finally, she clicked on send.
She didn't dare stay on her computer, unable to wait for a reply. She feared above all that her message would be ignored or even rejected. So she forced herself to find another activity to think about.
But that night, sleep eluded her. Scenarios circled around in her head: would Anka ignore her? Would she send her packing?
The next morning, she took a long look at her PC.
Still unable to get back to it, she left her apartment and took a train to the seaside, where, despite the cold, gray weather, she could take her mind off things. For a long time, she gazed melancholically at the choppy sea.
It awakened something buried in her for years. A feeling she'd thought lost : inspiration.
Taking out her phone, she opened her notepad and jotted down a few ideas.
Vera returned home at dusk.
She summoned up the courage to turn on her PC and log on to Facebook. Once logged in, her heart skipped a beat.
Two notifications: a message and a friend request.
It was Anka.
Vera read the message from her former friend, her heart pounding. Anka was delighted to see one of their songs so successful and, more importantly, she accepted her apology. Better still, she said she was open to a reunion. Luckily, she had kept in touch with one of the other two band members.
Vera felt a wave of emotion wash over her. She had never dared to hope for such an answer. Perhaps she finally had a chance to redeem herself and move on.
The next day, she returned to Reddit. With ever-present enthusiasm, she answered the many unanswered questions, announced the band's imminent reunion and shared the four remaining tracks from their forgotten EP.
A few weeks later,
Vera was pacing back and forth in front of a big-city pub. The wait seemed interminable. Anka, Lies and Mies would be arriving at any moment, and anxiety knotted her stomach. How would they react when they saw her ? Would this reunion rekindle old tensions ?
But from the very first moment, her fears evaporated. Sincere smiles, awkward hugs and then bursts of laughter dispelled any remaining apprehensions. Soon, they found themselves immersed in their own memories.
At the end of the evening, they made a promise to each other.
Early 2020
Vera posted a final message on Reddit:
“We've got big news for you: Rust & Riot are getting back together. And this time, we're going all the way. We're finally going to finish the album we started twenty years ago.
To thank you for indirectly making this possible, we've recorded a video of us replaying « Flowers for your Ashes ». We hope you enjoy it.
The link is here: [Link to YouTube video]
Thanks again.
We'll keep you posted as the project progresses !”
A week later, in a recording studio
Vera adjusted the strap on her guitar. Around her, Anka, Lies and Mies were ready and concentrated. The excitement was palpable.
Anka, smiling, spoke with determination:
“Girls, are you ready ? We're going to light up this studio with our talent !”
“YEAH !”
“So... let's get down to business...
3...
2...
1 ”