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At the end of a rough day, Severus would plop into his bed without changing into his pyjamas. He was only 36 years young, but was already struggling with the stress and exhaustion of a lifetime and beyond.
Severus was tired of his bloody job, damned to teach incompetent children in the castle he had sworn to leave behind after his graduation. With the rise of the Dark Lord, he guided his Slytherin students through the heightened prejudice towards their house and, as a result, their ostracisation within Hogwarts, being there for both students from Death Eater families and students with no ties to the Dark Lord. At the same time, there was Draco, who had been given a task too great and soul-crushing for a sixteen year old. Severus therefore watched over the boy, protecting him as much as he could without drawing suspicion. He did this with the knowledge that he would be the one to kill the person who had provided him with safety and guidance over the past decade, even if it hadn’t been out of kindness but to keep the spy alive.
He had given up his life and freedom for a final plea, leaving him only with regret and no autonomy over his own existence. There was no future, no salvation, or forgiveness. He’d die hated, having lived an unfulfilling life with wasted opportunities.
So the weary Potions Master was lying in his bed, still not having changed out of his teaching robes. He knew he was long overdue for a shower, but he just couldn’t bring himself to move his worn out body. Maybe if he had eaten and drunk enough that day, he would have had some energy to catch up with his chores and projects, like the stacks of books he had bought on various topics and research fields, or the sketchbooks he had gotten to practice rendering potions related plants and fungi. But who was he kidding, Severus hadn’t touched those in years, or anything other than students’ assignments for that matter. Being a double agent while teaching children and protecting Harry walking disaster Potter didn’t exactly leave him with any time or energy to indulge in his former interests.
So instead, he buried his face into the pillow and asked himself why he even bothered to continue.
But despite him wanting to end it all – not being physically and mentally able to continue like this – Severus would always wake up the next morning. After all, he was tied to his duties. There were too many things at stake for Severus to have the luxury of quitting.