Chapter Text
Nam-gyu was a good kid.
That is, if you looked past the drugs, alcohol, sneaking out, sex, parties he wasn't supposed to be at during ungodly hours of the night, smoking, cutting himself after every minor inconvenience because it was the only way for him to truly feel something, starving himself, and constantly assaulting his hands to the point his thumbs were horrific to look at.
He was a good kid, really. He fed stray cats the dinner he was supposed to eat (but did not,) he had a part-time job at a coffee shop—which frankly was one of the top reasons he wanted to kill himself, but just ignore that. He helped people pick up their shit if they dropped it in the school hallway, he hated talking about people in a rude way. Really, he was fine.
but apparently, “fine” didn’t get you out of being yelled at—or, as his counselor liked to put it, “gently scolded” even though it wasn’t gentle whatsoever—because you’ve failed to complete literally any work almost all school year.
it wasn’t like Nam-gyu WANTED to fail. he just didn’t want to do his work because frankly, it made so sense whatsoever and his teachers didn’t know how to do their fucking job. Right now, all he wanted to do was go home and go to bed, which was his usual routine for the past couple of months. because although his life sucked, although he had nothing to live for, at least he could sleep. He had zero friends because he wasn’t interested in affiliating with anybody in this wretched school at all and the only thing going for him currently was the fact that he would be graduating next year.
well, hopefully.
if he didn’t fail this year.
”Because I know you’re a good kid, Nam (holy shit, he hated when people called him that.) You just have to work on… getting stuff done. your education comes first.” His counselor— Ms. Sae-byeok continued. Nam-gyu was currently fighting all eye contact with her, trying to blink back the tears he was beginning to feel well up.
He wasn’t a good kid. He knew that. He knew he was terrible in basically every aspect, useless, even. He knew he didn't have anything going for him currently. He knew his life would never move forward because for some unknown reason, his brain didn’t function normally. Not like the other kids’ he went to school with.
“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, internally cringing at himself for feeling so emotional. God, apparently all it took for him to act like an actual human was for an adult who wasn’t either of his parents (at this point, he’s learned to ignore them,) and for said adult to show their obvious disappointment in him. His fingers moved against his thumb subconsciously, picking at the skin around his nails— a habit he desperately wanted to break but couldn't find it in himself to care enough. Skin grew back, anyway.
”Looking at your record here, you don’t have much going for you if you want to attend college,” Ms. Byeok added, looking at her computer and not sparing a glance in his direction. “You could pick up an extracurricular?”
”Absolutely not.” Nam-gyu immediately responded, picking his head up and furrowing his brows.
”It’d be good for you. You could have something on your record and could make friends.”
”I don’t want to be friends with anyone here!” Nam-gyu exclaimed, throwing his hands up a bit. “What, do you think I avoid everyone because I don’t want to have friends? Everyone at this school fucking sucks!”
”Watch your language,” she immediately scolded, completely ignoring every other word he said which made him want to rip his hair out. “Our theater program is holding up auditions in a week for our fall play. I want you to join.”
”But-“
“That wasn't me asking you, it was me telling you. you can be dismissed now.”
He glared at her for a moment before picking up his bag, walking out the room and shutting the door behind him. He took a breath, running his hands through his long black hair and tugging at the ends, resisting the urge to scream his damn head off.
The fall play. the fall play? The FUCKING FALL PLAY? Was she out of her MIND? He couldn't act for jack shit, seriously, he could barely lie without breaking out into a smile, and she wants him to ACT? that’s a fucking joke, seriously.
but he did know one thing, he really didn’t want to repeat the year. maybe he should just drop out instead, since that would make his life so much easier. but he knew he couldn’t. not if he wanted to get his ass served to him by his dad.
acting it was, apparently.
He slumped back into his seat as he reluctantly went back to class, putting on his headphones as he stared blankly at the assignment he probably wasn’t going to do. He didn’t actually have music playing, but he liked just wearing his headphones since they cancelled out a good chunk of noise.
He glanced up from his pencil that he was currently twirling in his hand, doing anything to stop himself from picking at the growing scabs that littered his hands. He watched some kid with ugly fucking purple hair playfully shove another guy with longer hair pulled not a half ponytail. He couldn’t be bothered to learn their names, and he couldn’t hear them, either, but he did know the one with the colored hair was annoying as fuck. He made unfunny jokes that somehow got everyone else laughing and he dressed up in ridiculous outfits for spirit week, but he also knew that the guy was smart. He was always the first to turn in a test or assignment, quickly doing it all and Nam-gyu has looked at a score that was once handed back to him, a 95%. which was frankly insane and made Nam-gyu just despise him even more.
Because how are you going to be (mostly) good looking, have lots of friends, be viewed as funny to everyone else, AND be smart? It was clear that God had favorites and this kid was one of them.
Nam-gyu slipped his headphones off because he’s just been watching the two boys interact without knowing what they were saying and immediately watched as the one with purple hair hung his head back and let out a laugh.
Okay, a new thing to add to the list of “Why Purple-Hair Kid is Perfect”
He has the sweetest laugh Nam-Gyu had ever heard.
He felt his face heat up just from the sound alone and cursed himself for a moment. He didn’t like this kid— he seemed way too good for Nam-Gyu’s liking and he couldn’t tell if he hated him or wanted to be him. Most likely both.
Nam-gyu continued to watch the two interact, not even realizing he was staring before the one with the ponytail glanced at him for a split second, looked back at purple-hair, then did a double take. That was when Nam-gyu finally looked away in embarrassment, focusing his attention on his not-done assignment.
He hadn’t realized purple-hair had moved until something landed on his desk, and he blinked before glancing at the paper.
The assignment with the answers.
His eyes perked up and he looked over at purple-hair, who gave him a tight lipped smile before going back to talking with his friend,
Yeah, he could tell he fucking hated the kid.
Nam-gyu shut his eyes for a moment, all the sound around him becoming overwhelming. He should’ve ignored his stupid counselor, dammit. Why would he actually come to these auditions? All he knew was that he currently had a knuckle-white grip on the paper he was holding which had his script and that he was towards the very back of the line.
Which had its advantages, honestly. Maybe the casting directors would be so sick of auditioners to the point they turn him away before he could even step through the door. Yeah, that’d be a best case scenario.
He heard footsteps approaching from behind him and turned his head, trying to not frown when he saw purple-hair, ponytail, this short girl, this pathetic looking guy, and Se-mi.
He actually knew who Se-mi was only because she regularly came to the coffee shop he worked at. He assumed they were chill with each other because she tips him her change, which is usually just a dollar or two but hey, it’s still money. She had shorter hair with lots of piercings and was actually one of the only people he tolerated because she was nice to him. And by nice I mean she didn’t look like she wanted to punch him in the face at every waking moment.
He looked away from the group. Of course they were theater kids, how could he not have guessed that? But the moment was short lived when a voice cut through the air.
“Hey! You’re the kid from my maths class.”
Oh God, kill him now
Nam-gyu turned around, nodding at ponytail and replying with a strained, “yep….”
Please don’t make small talk. please don't make small talk—
“I didn’t know you were into theater.” Ponytail continued, a warm smile on his face.
Someone supply him with a gun.
”I’m not,” nam-gyu muttered sharply, “Byeok is making me.”
”I fucking hate her,” purple-hair muttered, causing nam-gyu to raise his eyebrows in surprise. Here he was thinking this kid was a saint. “She’s always forcing people to do shit they don’t wanna do.”
”Yeah, I guess.” nam-gyu quietly responded, willing them to all take the hint to stop talking to him.
”I’m Su-bong, that’s Dae-ho, that’s Jun-hee, that little guy-“ the description got a scoff out of the person he was talking about. “-is Min-su, and that girl is Se-Mi.”
Oh. He actually did recognize Min-su and Jun-hee. The two always skipped out during gym and talked alone. He’s always wanted to join them because he despised gym class, but never did.
“I’m Nam-gyu,” he sighed, looking at them again. It was clear they weren’t going anywhere, so he might as well speak to them. “Uhm… so do you guys know how this works or..” he asked, gesturing to his paper.
”Oh. Yeah. For sure! It’s simple,” Jun-hee smiled, reaching up to grab at his paper so she could read it. “You’re ‘person two’ so you just have to find ‘person one’ and group up with them. Just warning you, don’t get your hopes up. The directors usually choose the same people to lead everytime and since this is your first time… well… just don’t expect a big role. Okay?”
”’ight.” nam-gyu responded with a shrug. that was honestly perfect for him, he could just do terrible and then not get a role at all. problem solved!
”I have person one, do you want to partner up?” Se-mi asked, tilting her head a bit.
Well fuck. now if he does bad he’ll actually feel bad if she doesn’t get the role because of him and then she would hate him for life and probably stop coming around to his job even though she’d the only person he genuinely like to see because she doens’ try and talk to him like the other customers and her order is super simple and she’s actually nice to him and—
“Hey, you good?” Su-bong questioned quietly, his voice directly next to Nam-gyu’s ear. He hadn’t even realized he was beginning to hyperventilate before he just gave a quick nod, to both Su-bong and Se-mi.
Turns out, that little group of people weren't terrible. He could tell he liked Min-su because he was quiet and didn't really speak unless spoken to— unlike Dae-Ho and Su-bong who yapped his ear off. But he didn’ even mind all that much, which was strange for him because any other person and he’d probably punch them by now.
Him and Se-mi were currently practicing because they were up next, and she was surprisingly good at this. He couldn’t personally say the same for himself—he kept stuttering and screwing up his lines which was the reason he currently had one hand on the back of his neck tugging at the hairs while the other held onto his script as he tried his best to recite it.
”’And I don’t even understand why you care so much about me when I’m so terrible to you,’” Nam-gyu spoke as he read, his voice slightly wavering. It wasn’t even shaky because he was purposefully trying to do that, it was because for some reason he was nervous as fuck. Because maybe he’ll go on that stage and make a fool of himself and then everyone would look at him even weirder than they already do.Seriously, he didn't know why he was getting so worked up over this.
”’Because I love you!’” Se-mi responded, and Nam-gyu just glanced up at her, trying to will himself to not start sobbing right here. Because even though she was just acting it somehow felt so real and he’s just been wanting to hear those three words for as long as he could remember.
Jun-hee clapped, laughing a bit. “That was great! You’ve seriously never acted before?”
“Uh.. no.” nam-gyu muttered in response, raising up his hand which was covered with his sleeve to wipe at his eyes. Huh, acting wasn’t that bad. “I don’t think it was that good.”
“You’ll do great,” Min-su smiled, and Nam-gyu couldn’t help but smile back.
Nam-gyu huffed under his breath as he climbed up the steps of the stage. He had to tell the director, Mr. Gi-hun, which he actually knew because he had his art class in freshman year, his name and his grade. Okay, no, he could do this and it’ll be fine and he’ll help Se-mi get her role and he hopefully wouldn’t get anything.
As he and Se-mi went back and forth on the script, which Nam-gyu mostly had memorized at this point, he didn’t even realize he was actually starting to cry until he felt something running down his cheek. screw this script and how close it hit, dammit. He reached his hand up once more and stuttered as he continued, wincing everytime because holy SHIT he looked stupid.
But when they finished, they got claps from Mr. Gi-hun and he actually smiled brightly at them, telling them that they actually did phenomenal. Nam-gyu didn’t believe him, obviously. He had to say that to everyone, and it was most likely just sympathy, but it was still nice to hear those words.
Nam-gyu didn’t realize he was shaking until he and Se-mi exited the auditorium and sat down with Min-su and Jun-hee—since Dae-ho and Su-bong had already gone in for their turn— and he felt a hand on his knee. He glanced up, seeing Min-su tilting his head a bit in confusion. Nam-gyu just looked at him before shoving his hand off. He wasn’t really here to make friends, he had to remember he was just here because if he didn’t then Byeok would probably come for his ass.
Which, yes, he was only here because he was being forced and didn’t WANT to become friends with any of these theater kids, but they were being nice to him and he wasn’t all that interested in going back home. Especially since he didn’t exactly tell his parents he wouldn’t be home, so he knew he was in for a beating.
So, the theater kids it was.
Soon, once the entire group was finished with their auditions, Nam-gyu was equally grateful yet at the same time hated that this was over since now he had to go home. He’d stayed mostly silent the entire time he was waiting for everyone to be done, wanting to zone out but couldn’t help and smile at the conversation the other three were having. They were kinda funny, but he still didn’t like them all that much. They seemed superficial, almost. A group of good looking, nice, funny, talented people? He didn’t fit in and yet they were acting as though he did and he didn’t understand why. Most people in this school didn’t like him, which he didn’t mind because it wasn’t like he liked them either, mostly because they knew he took drugs and smoked which was heavily frowned upon since they were only teenagers. The thousands of health classes they’ve had explaining why drugs and nicotine weren’t good for young, developing bodies would surely prove that. But when growing up with two junkie parents, it was quite hard to quit when drugs had been a constant part of your life starting when you were just a young kid.
Yet, these kids didn’t seem to mind. Maybe they just didn’t know about how he acted, which was probably unlikely but could still happen. Or maybe they just felt bad for him. He didn’t know and he honestly didn’t care, he just wanted to go back home so he could go to sleep already. That is, if he’d even be able to sleep in the first place. If he was lucky, then tonight his parents would be black out drunk and sleeping on the couch—which is a very odd thing to say, considering how that was many teen’s biggest fears, but his point still stood.
He glanced down at his phone once Min-su and Jun-hee finished their audition, reading the time. 7:45pm. The coffee shop he worked at closed two hours ago, so he couldn't even lie to his parents and tell them he was there. It was times like these when he wished he just had a normal fucking family, but he knew something like that could never be his. Nam-gyu sucked in a breath, preparing for the shit show that would quickly arrive once he was home as he stood up and grabbed his jacket, not even being able to step away before he heard someone speaking to him.
“You’re leaving already?”
Nam-gyu turned around, raising his eyebrows in confusion at Da-ho. “Uhm… yeah? Auditions are over, aren’t they?”
”We’re all going to go to this restaurant if you want to come?” Jun-hee smiled, “It’ll be fun!”
He narrowed his eyes at her. Was she making fun of him? Why were they acting like they were best friends with him? They’ve literally never interacted once before this. He realized he’d forgotten to respond to her until she called out his name, and he snapped out of his thoughts and took a breath. “Uh, I don’t know—“
”We’re going, come on.” Su-bong huffed, grabbing onto Nam-gyu’s arm despite his noise of protest. Nam-gyu stumbled for a moment before using his own legs to walk beside him, resisting the urge to smack his hand off of him. If these guys were going to play nice, then he should at least pretend like he was having fun, too.
Plus, he was already late to being home and he knew he would already be getting punished for that. What's another hour late?
It was slightly dark outside, the wind blowing softly enough for it to not be extremely cold but enough for Nam-gyu to wrap his jacket around his body just a bit tighter. He looked ahead of him at where Su-bong was walking, since Nam-gyu was currently awkwardly inching from behind the group, and looked at him for a moment. Honestly, the purple did kind of suit him, as much as he hated to admit it because that was one of his top reasons Nam-gyu disliked the guy. Su-bong has got to be the only goddamn person who can pull off purple hair and that just pissed him off badly.
“So, like, why is the counselor forcing you to audition for the play?” Se-mi asked, stopping in her tracks for a moment and waiting for Nam-gyu to reach her before walking again, and this time she didn’t let him just fade behind them this time. Nam-gyu couldn’t tell if he appreciated the act or if she just felt bad.
“My grades suck and she wants me to have at least one thing on my record,” Nam-gyu muttered in response, pushing his sleeves down to cover his hands more. He had an ugly scar on his right hand, stretching from the bottom to his hand to a bit on his wrist, and he tried to cover it up with his sweatshirts since he didn’t like it when people asked about it.
What he really wanted to say was “why are you guys being nice to me when we don’t even know each other?” but he figured he should save that for later.
Se-mi hummed in response and just nodded, the six of them falling into silence. Yet again, Nam-gyu couldn’t tell if it was because of him. Would they be bursting into conversation if he wasn’t currently with them? Were holding back on laughter because he was currently tagging along a group of friends who weren’t interested in including him and were silently making fun of him for actually taking the offer to come to the diner—and the entire reason they even asked in the first place was because of common courtesy? Nam-gyu was never great at social cues but one thing he did know was that involving himself in a big group wasn’t ever a smart choice. Because a group of friends already have formed inside jokes, have the same humor that doesn’t have everyone just sparing awkward glances and looks of embarrassment to each other, they have a system and understand how each other work.
He hated being the odd one out, because he already knew he was odd. He’s been reminded of that for as long as he could possibly remember, but it wasn’t as bad when he knew everyone else was the same as him. But these people weren’t the same as him. They actually managed good grades and were involved in extracurriculars, they looked presentable all the time and were widely liked by most people. He felt like a fucking idiot for even being in their presence. Actually, scratch idiot, he just felt embarrassed. Embarrassed of himself, that is.
Nam-gyu slipped into the booth, making a beeline to be at the very end so he could get up whenever he wanted—and also because he despised being completely surrounded by people. He didn’t want to be here. He also didn’t want to be at home. Matter of fact, he didn’t even want to be alive, but that wasn’t exactly an option, huh? Because for some unknown reason both of his attempts went unsuccessful, so clearly someone had been praying on his utter downfall and it worked. He didn’t believe in the “everything happens for a reason” bullshit, because if this is what it took for it to come great he’d rather just be dead instead. He didn’t want to wait a second longer for things to actually begin to look up because he’s currently been waiting all 17 years of his life and nothing has happened.
“I swear to god, if that fuckass director gives the lead to you again, I’m gonna lose my mind.” Dae-ho grumbled, gesturing to Su-bong who scoffed dramatically.
”Maybe just become better at acting, not my fault.” Su-bong immediately shot back, laughing and covering his face when Dae-ho threw a crumpled napkin at him. Nam-gyu raised his eyebrows subtly at the interaction, looking back and forth at the two. Did they have a thing, or something?
His thoughts were interrupted when their waiter came by to take their drink orders, everyone ordering a soda while Nam-gyu just stuck with water.
”Seriously? Water? We got a health-guy over here, people.” Jun-hee sarcastically mumbled, but Nam-gyu could tell she was just joking since she smiled after and mouth “kidding” when she saw his face.
”I just don’t like soda. Or juice.” Nam-gyu sighed in response, tracing small circles with his finger on the table to try and distract himself from picking at his nails. Really, that was just code for “I’m too young to order alcohol so I guess I’m getting a boring drink tonight.”
”Really?” Min-su squeaked from next to him, “you don’t like… cranberry juice, or something?”
”Min-su, nobody likes cranberry juice.” Se-mi snickered, raising one of her eyebrows.
”Okay, it’s literally good.” Min-su huffed in offense, and Nam-gyu wouldn’t have laughed if the boy didn’t genuinely look hurt. “I’m so tired of the hate.”
“You have a pretty smile.”
Nam-gyu’s head shot up to look at Su-bong, whose head was slightly tilted as he stared at him. Nam-gyu’s eyes widened just a bit and he was about to say something in response but Jun-hee beat him to it.
”Can you like, not flirt with the newest member of our friend group? We wanna keep this one.” She huffed, and Nam-gyu couldn’t tell if her glare was playful or deadass. All he was currently focused on was the fact she referred to him as ‘the newest member of their friend group’ and was also trying to will his face to not heat up from the accusation of Su-bong flirting with him.
He didn’t understand why he was trying to stop himself from blushing. It wasn’t like he was gay or anything, he was simply just embarrassed because now he was put on the spot. That was it.
He swallowed sharply and just forced himself to awkwardly laugh, hoping he could just stay silent for the rest of the time and never interact with these fuckers again. “we actually want to keep this one”— he wasn’t a dog or something. they couldn’t just “keep” him if they wanted to. And he definitely wasn’t their friend, he literally met them like three hours ago at the latest. Shit, these kids really got attached fast.
Unfortunately for him, his attempt to just subtly fade away was short lived when they actually had to order their food, because he was honestly too broke to afford waiting his money on good food. They had food at his house, he was fine. It wasn’t like he ate the food, anyway.
Nam-gyu hadn’t realized anyone was even looking at him before he quickly picked up on the fact everyone had fallen into silence, and he looked up to see the waiter looking at him patiently. “Oh, uhm, nothing for me.”
”Why?” Dae-ho asked, his eyebrows furrowing just a bit.
”I’m just not hungry,” Nam-gyu simply answered, sitting back in his seat a bit. The waiter nodded and walked off, and he desperately wanted the group to stop looking at him.
”Shit, man, you sure? It’s been a couple hours since lunch…” Su-bong muttered, checking his phone for the time before looking back up at Nam-gyu. He couldn’t tell whether or not it was a look of concern.
”Yeah, I’m sure. Don’t worry.” Nam-gyu smiled, picking up his own phone and deleting the messages he’d gotten from his dad. Truth was, he was hungry. Really hungry, actually. But he just couldn’t afford to eat out, and he also didn’t want to eat.
“If you say so,” Su-bong shrugged, taking another sip of his Coke before going back to his chemistry horror story.
“Thank you—for inviting me out,” Nam-gyu muttered in courtesy as they walked out of the restaurant. It was now 9pm and he was currently trying to play it cool and act as though he wasn’t internally panicking over the fact he was SO late to his curfew. He was fucked and he hasn’t been genuinely terrified to go back home in a long time. Turns out, the older you grow doesn’t ever make it become easier, and he hated that so much.
“Of course! You’re fun to talk to.” Jun-hee warmly smiled before nudging him with her shoulder, and he wanted to call bullshit on that because he barely even spoke, but he just let her lie. “Tomorrow we’re all going over to my house if you wanna come? What’s your number?”
Holy SHIT. These kids get attached FAST.
And yet, Nam-gyu found himself opening up his phone and handing it to her, allowing her to put in her number and sending a quick ‘hi’ to see if it worked. “Uh… maybe. I’ll have to see.”
”See you tomorrow, Nam-su,” Su-bong hummed as he ran a hand down Nam-gyu’s arm and then patted his shoulder before walking in the opposite direction.
”It’s -Gyu..” He found himself quietly saying, but his voice trailed off as he allowed his own hand to reach up and touch his arm himself, trying to recapture the warmth Su-bong’s touch just weirdly gave.
Huh.