Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Swann should have known something was up the moment Nora suggested she be in front of the camera for a change.

They were hiking through the woods of Velvet Cove, looking for a nice place to shoot a new music video for Bloom & Rage. Their last attempt had proven a rousing success (to the four of them, anyway). So, they decided they’d try something a little more ambitious for their second video. It was a tall order, but Swann felt more confident in herself this time around as a video director.

However, Nora had different plans for her. She called out to Swann as she was wrapping up a shot of some yellow warblers. She headed back down to where the others were, who were taking a bit of a breather. Nora was sat on a boulder, smoking a cigarette, and Kat had found a fallen tree trunk to sit on, opposite of Nora on the path. Autumn, meanwhile, was coming back from a stretch break a little further back on the path, likely having heard Nora call for Swann.

It was then that Nora asked Swann if perhaps she was interested in taking a more visible role in the video.

Swann was not one for acting, really. She felt most comfortable being the one holding the camera, rather than being filmed by one. Less pressure to look like a fool that way. She’d often rewatch her own tapes and cringe at her total lack of stage presence. At how she’d always fidget in place. The stutters, the ums and ers that she’d utter while trying to piece together her thoughts. It was… serviceable for her video memoirs. But to actually stand in front of a camera and act? This was so far out of her wheelhouse. Surely, the others had to be aware of that, right?

And yet… Nora had told Swann she would be a great fit for a romance movie. People love redheads, she had assured her.

Swann was apprehensive of the suggestion, but decided to humor Nora. She was willing to hear the pitch, at the very least. And so Nora outlined her idea: two girls searching for one another, and then sharing a magical kiss at the end.

“That’s your pitch for a punk music video?” Kat asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Hey! Love is punk!” Nora replied, “What’s more punk than love in the face of a cruel, uncaring world? AND queer love, to boot!”

“Sure, whatever you say, you sap.” Kat responded with a smile and a roll of her eyes.

“So, whaddya think, movie star?” Nora asked Swann with a wiggle of the eyebrows.

Swann chuckled at her friends’ antics as she considered it. Of course Nora was going to be taking the romantic movie direction for her. Given how the punk girl had flirted with everyone in the group already, it seemed kind of obvious she was angling to find an excuse to kiss her. She didn’t mind it; Nora was very pretty. The kind of girl she could only dream would ever notice her. When she told Swann she would kiss her if she was a guy, it made her feel lighter the rest of the evening.

However, in spite of that, Nora wasn’t quite the one who had caught Swann’s eye at the moment. No, the subject of her affections was the one who barged into her life out of the blue one day. Someone who stood in front of her when she was getting harassed in a parking lot. Someone she soon found out she had a lot more in common with than she had expected.

“Hey, if I can do it, it can’t be that bad.” Kat supplied with a shrug as she looked towards Swann. “You should totally do it.”

Swann glanced over to Kat, who gave her the lightest of smiles. Almost imperceptible, as if it was meant just for her. Maybe that’s what she wanted to read into it, anyway.

“You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to.” Autumn’s voice broke through, providing Swann with a merciful distraction from her traitorous mind.

“Oh, um…” Swann began, looking to the ground, “Actually, it might be fun to try it for a change.”

“YES!” Nora shouted as she began to bounce with excitement, “Oh, this is gonna RULE!”

“Geez Nor, you could at least try to pretend this isn’t just an excuse to kiss Swann.” Autumn chided nonchalantly.

“Huh?” Nora turned to Autumn quizzically, then feigning hurt, “Autumn, you wound me! To assume I would set all of this up just to make a pass at Swann…”

“Wait… but if you’re not the other lead, then…” Autumn trailed off, before she began to frown, “…Nor? Who did you have in mind?”

Swann glanced over to Nora, confused about the sudden tension in the air. All eyes were now on the novice director, who seemed unaffected by the mood shift. Almost like she was enjoying it, really.

If it wasn’t Nora, there were only two suspects. And Autumn had backed out last time they tried to do something like this. Which meant…

Oh no.

Swann met Kat’s eyes. She had connected the dots too.

Nora made a grand gesture as she put on an announcer voice: “Our co-star is none other than—"

---

“Kat?” Autumn repeated, eyes brimming with excitement.

Swann nodded awkwardly. She felt her cheeks turn red as she looked over to the trinkets in Nora’s garage. Mercifully, Nora and Kat had headed out on a snack run, so it was just her and Autumn. Swann felt it had been as good an opportunity to breach the topic as she would get. Besides, she felt she was going to explode if she didn’t tell anyone.

“Oh my god, that is SO cute!” Autumn cooed, making Swann feel even more embarrassed. “The camera girl’s got a crush on the poet!”

“Please don’t make fun…” Swann squirmed in response.

“Sorry!” Autumn instinctively reached to put a hand on her shoulder. “I’m not making fun, I promise! It’s just… ahhhh, it’s adorable! Did you tell Nora?”

“No. You’re the first person I told.”

“Aww! I’m glad you trust me like that. Sooooo, what do you like about Kat?” Autumn leaned in with excitement, eager to hear the scoop.

Gosh. What didn’t she like about Kat? Swann had no idea where to start.

“Well… She’s very passionate. I still remember how she jumped in to defend me from Corey and Dylan… Nobody ever came to my rescue like that. But it’s not just that! She’s also really funny, and courageous… she makes me feel like I could do anything.”

Autumn let out a quiet squeal. “Swaaaaaann! Ugh, my heart is MELTING. You are so cute, you know that?”

She was just being silly, Swann thought. But the compliment felt nice, nonetheless. Her eyes returned to the floor as she felt her cheeks heat up.

“Do you think you’re gonna tell her how you feel?” Autumn then asked.

Swann looked up towards Autumn in a moment of panic. “No!- I mean… I don’t know.”

Swann’s anxieties flared at the idea of confessing her feelings to Kat. The idea that she would find out and think she was dumb, stupid for ever seeing her like that. That she’d laugh at her for it.

Kat wouldn’t do this, though. Her friends were good people. She believed this with her whole heart.

If only she hadn’t believed that before.

“Hey, hey… it’s okay. If you’re not ready, you don’t have to say anything. Your secret is safe with me.” She mimed zipping her mouth shut. “But for the record… I think you two would be great together.”

Would they? Swann was afraid to let herself believe it, but if Autumn thought so…

Well, she supposed they’d just have to see. She’d have time to mull it over on the forest hike later. There was no rush, nothing was going to force her to confront those feelings until she was ready.

---

The moment Nora dropped the bombshell, time froze for Swann. Of course something like this would happen. Why, though? Was this just some set up for a joke at her expense? Were the others in on it?

She chanced a look at Kat, whose face betrayed shock and awkwardness. She seemed just as surprised by it as Swann. Then, she glanced towards Autumn. Had she told Nora? There’s no way she would have done this… Right?

As if reading her mind, Autumn met her eyes, and shook her head lightly but quickly, indicating she was not remotely involved in this. Swann felt bad that she had distrusted Autumn even for just a moment, but she had to rule out every possibility.

“Nor, I don’t know about this.” Autumn finally spoke as she turned towards the punk.

“Whaaat?” Nora responded, “I kissed Kat before, and it was fine.”

“Just fine?” Kat joked, “Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence.”

“I just think maybe this could have been discussed before just springing it on them?” Autumn asked.

“Well, we’re discussing it now! What’s the big deal?” Nora stated.

Nora and Autumn’s bickering blurred as Swann’s mind continued to run a hundred miles an hour. She didn’t know how much Nora knew about her crush. Or how much Kat knew, for that matter. When she jokingly asked about it during their game of Truth or Dare, Swann felt like she was going to die on the spot. She had cursed herself for being so obvious, and prayed that her and Nora would just go along with the idea that it was some random guy they didn’t know.

Swann would be lying if she hadn’t thought about kissing Kat before, though. Ever the hopeless romantic, Swann had spent countless nights imagining the perfect, cinematic first kiss. With perfect lighting from the sun. Sparks flying. Something right out of one of those romantic movies Nora said she’d be perfect in.

Now, the opportunity had just been handed to her on a golden platter. And it terrified her.

Swann was too consumed in her thoughts to notice the conversation quieting down, and didn’t even register the change until the sound of crunched leaves heading towards her caught her attention.

“Hey, Swann? You good?”

Swann jumped at the sight of Kat walking up to her. Nora and Autumn had stepped away from them, continuing their argument a little further ahead on the trail.

“Oh! Um, yeah. Sorry...”

“Don’t apologize, dude. Nora was being kind of a dumbass, putting you on the spot like that.”

“It’s alright.” Swann laughed nervously, “I kinda did that to you last time.”

“Pshht, it wasn’t a big deal. Like I said, it was funny. Just… a bit awkward.”

“Yeah…” Swann looked towards the ground. She knew Kat hadn’t minded the scenario as much as she had feared at first, but she still thought she had gotten too carried away with her idea. She should’ve known how weird it was to ask Kat to roleplay as her sister’s boyfriend kissing someone pretending to be her sister.

At least she gets to have a taste of her own medicine, Swann thought grimly.

“Anyway, c’mon. Nora says she’ll think of something less stupid. Her words, not mine.” Kat pointed to the others, starting to head back to them.

“Wait… Kat?” Swann called out quietly before she could stop herself. The smaller girl turned to face Swann and tilted her head.

“I… erm, does Nora’s idea bother you? That… scene, I mean.”

Kat looked away for a moment. “Uh… I mean… it caught me off-guard, sure, but it’s not like I… mind. Does it bother you?”

“Um… I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” Kat echoed as she raised an eyebrow.

“I mean…” Swann paused for a moment to collect her scattered thoughts, “It kinda freaked me out, I guess? I haven’t… exactly kissed anyone before.” Swann’s gaze fell to the ground.

“So… I would have been your first?” Swann looked back up to see Kat, arms crossed and sporting a teasing smirk.

Goddammit, this girl really was going to kill her.

“Y-yeah…” was all that came out of Swann’s mouth in response as she made a concerted effort to look anywhere else but her crush.

Great job acting normal, Swann…

“Ah, I think I see what’s going on.” Kat squinted at her with a knowing smile.

Please don’t, Swann begged internally.

“You’re saving yourself for that “poet guy”, right?”

Great, so either she wasn’t aware, or she was REALLY twisting the knife in. She was suddenly intensely aware of every atom on her body, as if one moving out of place would give her away.

“Yeah…”

Kat grinned, “Knowing you, I bet you already have the perfect spot in mind. You’ve analyzed the lighting, so it hits his face just right…”

Kat punctuated her teasing remarks with gestures, then choosing to get uncomfortably close to Swann.

“And then you lean in and it’s just like in the movies…”

“Shut up!” Swann gave Kat a playful shove as she laughed, hoping to distract the other girl from how close she had been to the truth. Kat laughed as well, and it was music to Swann’s ears. Even if it had been at her expense.

“Y’know, I never really cared for that stuff, myself.” Kat said, glancing away. “It’s not really my scene. But hey, if your first kiss is that important to you, then we don’t have to do this.”

Wait, so did she not know? Swann’s head was spinning from the constant whiplash. In any case, Kat had given her an out, at least.

And yet, something within her wanted to reach out anyway.

“No, that’s not…” Swann started, “I uh… I don’t think I’d mind.”

Kat looked back to her, as if searching for some answer in her eyes. Swann wasn’t able to hold her gaze. “You don’t?” Kat asked.

“No. It’s uh… it’s a cool idea for a shot. I just worry I wouldn’t do it justice.”

“I thought the same thing with Nora. But… a certain someone said I did pretty good.”

“Hah, yeah…”

“Hey, if we really want to make that scene amazing, why don’t we go find that ‘dream spot’ of yours? And don’t pretend you don’t have one, you totally do.”

Geez-o, was she that predictable?

“Plus, then you’ll know if it’s good enough for your crush.” Kat added, looking down to the ground as she did.

Swann couldn’t tell if Kat was messing with her, or if she genuinely thought she had feelings for some non-existent guy. The thought of fawning over some random dude felt wrong to her. None of the boys at school were to her taste. She knew that much for sure.

Kat was right about one thing though: She did, in fact have a spot in mind.

The lookout. At sunset. She’d thought about it ever since they found it during their first shoot. It was the best view in the entire town, bar none. The lake glimmering below, the islands dotted all over it, the clear view of the horizon…

The back lighting of the sun would cast them in shadows, and create a super cool effect for the video. It was perfect.

Plus, it meant she’d get to see Kat, illuminated in the glow of the golden hour…

The idea of filming their scene there was so tantalizing. But it came with the threat of reality dashing her fantasy into pieces. Was it worth the risk? Just to hold that dream in her hands, and allow it to be tangible for one precious, fleeting moment?

“Hey, space cadet. You still with me?” Kat exclaimed as she snapped her fingers in front of her face.

For an instant, the daydream and reality overlapped as she looked to her friend. Her crush. The effect faded all too soon.

“I’m sure your dreamboat is very charming and all, but we do have a video to shoot. You good to go?”

A fire was lit inside her now. Consequences be damned, she had to go for it.

“Yeah… sure, let’s do it. I know just the place.”

Chapter Text

The climb up to the lookout was a lot more taxing than Swann had recalled. Though some of it was most likely due to the anxiety that was beginning to pool inside her and set her nerves on fire. Usually, the serene ambience of the forest was a balm for her anxious mind, but this time it proved frustratingly ineffective.

They were just moments away from re-enacting that dream scenario that Swann had kept under lock and key. She was starting to second-guess whether it was a good idea to do this. Could she handle that treasured thought becoming mundane reality? What if it didn’t meet expectations? What if it all fell apart because she messed something up?

Before Swann could answer her own qualms, the trees opened up to that all-familiar vista. The old wooden deck looked as shoddy as ever. Broken bits of wood in the railing, and gaps in the planks making up the floor made it feel fairly unsafe. Still, in spite of the lookout’s state of disrepair, it hardly took away from the landscape. Shades of yellow and orange tinted the scene, complimenting the pink hues of the sky. It was just the right time of day. They really had incredible timing on their side.

Swann felt the nerves get slightly worse. That long-awaited moment was within reach. She was now hurtling towards it, and she was powerless to stop it.

“Oh yeah. This is the perfect spot!” Nora approved, walking up the steps to observe the scenery, “You really got an eye for this stuff, Swann!”

She was bouncing with excitement as she held Swann’s camera. She had lent it to Nora so she could film some extra shots for the video. However, seeing her jumping about with her prized camcorder didn’t help her stress levels.

“Do you want me to hold the camera, Nor?” Autumn asked, as if sensing Swann’s worries, “I definitely have steadier hands than you.”

“What happened to ‘I don’t know about this?’” Nora responded.

“Hey, if Swann and Kat are fine with it, then I’m fine with it. C’mon, you’re gonna drop it.”

“Fine.” Nora sighed as she handed over Swann’s camera.

Swann was glad for the exchange of hands. It took a bit of the edge off, though only a little.

After all, her film equipment smashing into pieces on the ground of these woods was far from the worst thing that could go wrong today.

A hand on her shoulder snapped her mind back into place.

“Hey, superstar! You ready to go?” Nora asked Swann.

“Uh… yeah! So, what am I supposed to do?”

“Okay so… the way I picture it, first we see you walking over to the old guard rail, next to where Kat is.” Swann looked over and Kat was already in position. “Then the 2^nd shot is you two turning towards each other and then closing the distance… and then the third is when you go in for the kiss. We’ll splice them together with cuts, and it’ll be real cinematic!”

So, there were parts to this. They were really dragging this out, huh? The pit in her stomach was only growing.

“Think you’re up for it?”

“Yeah. I can do this.” Swann replied, mostly for her own sake. She swung her arms around in an attempt to shake out the stress.

“You totally do! You’re gonna rock this scene! And who knows? You might sweep Kat off her feet too!” Nora punctuated that last bit with an elbow poke.

Swann glanced away from Nora in an attempt to hide how flustered that comment had made her. Most likely unsuccessfully.

 “Hey Swann, what button do I push to record again?” Autumn called out, and Swann quickly hopped over to give her a primer on the camera’s functions.

After that was done, Autumn gave Swann a concerned look.

“You good?” Autumn whispered to her, “I mean… this is kind of a big deal for you, right?”

“Y-yeah.” Swann mumbled, betraying her anxieties, “I’ll be fine, though.”

“It’s okay if you’re not. If I was in your shoes… I’d be completely frozen in place, heh.”

“Yeahhh… I’m a little freaked out. A lot freaked out, actually. I’m just… not gonna think about it and do my part.”

“That’s one way to deal with it, I guess. If you need to bail though, let us know. Nobody’s gonna hold it against you.”

Swann nodded, though she had every intention of seeing this through. Even if something inside her was desperately trying to pull her back. She glanced over to where Kat was on the lookout. The sun had dropped just low enough in the sky that it was now partially covered by Kat’s silhouette.

At least it’ll be a cool shot, if nothing else.

She walked back over to Nora’s side, waiting for the start of filming to be called. Seconds stretched into what felt like hours.

“OKAY! Everyone, quiet on set!” Nora called.

“You’re the only one who’s talking!” Autumn replied back.

“I know, I just always wanted to shout that.” She cleared her throat. “Alright… First shot…”

Swann stared dead ahead, trying to tune out any and all thoughts. She had a role to play, now wasn’t the time to get distracted. Especially not by the fact she was about to kiss her crush.

“and… ACTION!”

Swann began walking over to the lookout, every step feeling heavier than the first. Her heart felt like it was going to burst out of her chest. To help her bubbling anxiety, she distracted herself by taking in the sights.

It truly was breathtaking, just like the first time they had come here. It really seemed like they were at the edge of the world. The lake below stretched out all the way past the horizon, shimmering like a pool of diamonds in the sunset light. The glow of the sun felt warm, with a slight summer breeze providing the slightest chill. Trees were swaying ever so gently. The blue hues of the clouds contrasted with the tints of orange and pink in the sky that signaled the coming end of day. Truly picturesque. Swann could live in that view forever.

And yet, none of it compared to the girl that was now to her side.

“Okay, we got our first shot!” Nora called out.

Then everything was quiet for a moment, aside from the sounds of nature, and barely audible chatter between Nora and Autumn. She made a valiant effort to ignore her stomach tying itself into knots.

“Y’know, I should have figured this was the spot you had in mind.” Kat chuckled to herself.

“It’s very um… scenic.” Swann mumbled, feeling that awkwardness creeping back into her voice.

“Yeah, it is.” Kat agreed, “You know, I’ve actually been here a bunch of times before.”

“You have?”

“Yep. I found it one day when I was trying to get away from the ranch. My dad keeps trying to drag me there to help him with work. I always try to slip away when he’s not looking. Anyway… I kept going through the woods and I eventually wound up here. I must have stayed a good hour or so. My dad was furious when I got back. Obviously, I didn’t care.”

“I can see why you like it. It’s gorgeous.”

“It’s perfect. There’s no ranch, no Corey, no…” Kat cut herself off for a moment, “No stupid bullshit up here. Just nature, and me. …and you, as well.” Kat’s voice shifted on that last part.

Swann looked over to Kat, who she caught staring at her for a moment before quickly looking back to the lake.

“I… I think I get why this is your dream spot for um… romance. I guess if I had to pick one, this would probably be mine too.”

“I thought this wasn’t your kinda scene?” Swann teased.

“Shut up.” Kat said with a light shove, “I mean… it’s not usually my thing. But it’s not like I never think about it.”

“Really? …is there someone in particular you think about?”

Kat hesitated for a moment. The air felt tense all of a sudden.

“I--”

“Okay, we’re ready for the 2^nd shot!” Nora shouted.

“Took you long enough!” Kat yelled back.

“You guys ready?” Autumn asked.

Swann and Kat exchanged a look. Swann nodded. Kat smiled and gave a thumbs up to the director and camerawoman.

“Okay, positions…”

Kat and Swann turned their backs to the camera, waiting for the go-ahead.

“Second shot…”

Nerves were coming back in full force. It was about to happen.

“ACTION!”

Swann almost jumped at the shout, but was able to hold herself back from reacting. She slowly turned to Kat, who turned in kind towards her. Both of them pulled away from the guard rail, eyes on the other. Mirroring each step they took. Until they were but inches from each other. Swann felt Kat’s arms wrapping around her, her touch hesitant and soft. She slowly, awkwardly echoed the motion.

Kat was looking up to her, bathed in radiant, golden sunlight. Eyes staring deep into hers.

Reality overlapping with fantasy.

“AND CUT!” Nora called out, “That was great, you two are so in sync!”

“You guys are doing great!” Autumn cheered on.

“We’ll do the last shot in just a moment, hang on!” Nora called out.

Swann let out a breath she didn’t know she’d been holding as she and Kat both looked over to the other two. They shared an awkward laugh, clearly still getting used to the close proximity of each other.

There was no way that Kat wasn’t feeling the drum solo her heart was playing right this instant. This close, her feelings had to be written all over her face. Kat wasn’t stupid, far from it. She’d figure it out, if she didn’t know already.

The moment she finds out, it’s over.

Her nerves came back, sharper. Brambles growing within her, prodding her all over. It was no longer adolescent anxiety, but fear. Her mind was telling her to leave. To run. To avoid getting hurt. Flight instinct gearing up. Her gaze quickly flitted to various spots around the lookout. Hoping something might help her calm down.

Kat must have sensed the shift, as she moved a hand to guide Swann’s head back towards her.

“Hey. It’s okay.” Kat whispered to her. Softer than she had ever heard her speak. “Just focus on me, okay?”

Kat smiled at her warmly. And everything that was trying to hurt her from within became numb. A soft, warm blanket shielding Swann from her own mind.

Did Kat know she wanted this?

“Final shot…”

More importantly… did she also—

“ACTION!”

Lips pressed against Swann’s before she could react. Warmth flooded her entire body as she felt Kat holding her tighter. Swann’s mind was completely shutting down, only able to focus on the fact that she was actually kissing her. Kat was kissing her.

Swann let herself lean into this blissful feeling. She took in all the sensations, desperate to burn them into her memory. The careful but firm grip that Kat had on her. The touch of soft lips on hers, connecting the two. The way their bodies felt like two pieces of a puzzle clicking into place.

After all this time imagining what this moment would’ve been like, Swann knew she had been completely off-base. Having never kissed someone before, all she could’ve done is approximate what it might feel like, both physically and emotionally. Turns out the real thing was amplified a thousand-fold from what she could’ve dreamed of. Something far more tangible and real than anything her imagination could have come up with.

Fuck the view, this was the moment Swann wished she could live in for the rest of time.

Unfortunately, reality was tragically finite. Kat eventually pulled back, and Swann softened her hold on her. Swann still felt a buzzing coursing through her, a comfortable numbness. Kat looked bashful, even more so than after the kiss with Nora.

“Wow…” was all Swann could utter in that moment.

“Yeah.” Kat simply breathed.

Before Swann had the time to process anything more, she heard Nora call the cut and run over to them, cheering.

“That was AWESOME!” Nora shouted.

“It really was! I got chills.” Autumn complimented.

“Yeah, like where was that energy in our scene, Kat? I gotta say, I’m actually a little jealous.”

“Jealous of who?” Kat asked.

“Uh, both of you? Like damn, I know I told Swann she’d be great for romance movies, but this was on another level!”

“Um, I’m glad you think so!” Swann responded.

“Though technically, Swann was supposed to be the one kissing Kat, not the other way around…” Nora looked back at Autumn who was giving her a disapproving glare, “Buuuut we can rework the storyline, it’s fine.”

“I mean, if you want us to do another take…” Kat started as she glanced over to Swann with a teasing smirk, “I don’t think Swann would mind.”

“Me? You’re the one who lunged at me!” Swann deflected.

“Hah, you wish.”

“Uh guys, not to be the bearer of bad news, but I think we’re all out of tape…” Autumn said as she looked at the camera. Swann walked over to inspect it, and sure enough, they had run out of storage.

“I… may have filmed a bunch of extra footage along the way.” Nora admitted sheepishly, “But it’s fine! We can find the good parts and edit the rest out, right?”

“Sure. That might take a while though.”

After a giving a quick rundown of the process, Nora and Swann agreed that they’d try and take some time in a few days to sort through everything they recorded.

With that settled, the band decided to take a breather at the lookout, with Nora taking Kat aside to talk with her. It was now just Swann and Autumn, looking out to the lake.

The lingering buzz from the kiss now having subsided, Swann was feeling kind of overwhelmed. Replaying the moment in her mind, recalling the way that Kat was looking at her… It really did almost seem like the feeling was, in fact, mutual.

Almost.

“Something on your mind, Swann?”

She could see Autumn grinning at her out of the corner of her eye.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Swann joked, despite very much being an open book in this moment.

“Well… you look distracted, and, oh, I don’t know… you just kissed the girl you like?!” She whisper-yelled that last part, “How are you feeling?”

“Gosh, I don’t know… It’s a lot to take in. It was exhilarating, and also super scary.”

“Heh. That’s how it tends to be.”

“Yeah…”

“Sooooo when’s the wedding?”

“Geez-o!” Swann let out, “We haven’t even…” Her face fell. “She doesn’t even…”

“She doesn’t what?” Autumn repeated.

Swann didn’t speak for a moment. No matter how much she felt herself getting swept up by the emotional whirlwind that manifested from that moment… In the end, it was just a kiss staged for a video. She had to temper her expectations.

“I just… I don’t even know for sure that she actually likes me.”

Autumn stared at Swann, disbelieving.

“Are… are you joking? Swann, I have spent years seeing Nora fall head over heels for girls. Believe me when I tell you I’ve NEVER seen anyone more starstruck than Kat right now. I mean… sure, she’s more reserved than Nora… but she acts different around you. It’s very noticeable.”

Deep down, Swann knew that. There was a shift in Kat’s behavior when it was just the two of them. She noticed the looks Kat had been giving her throughout the day. The way she moved to comfort her when she was panicking right before the kiss. This wasn’t something Kat would do for just anyone. The signs were there. And she should be on Cloud Nine about that fact right now. And yet, she was shackled to the ground.

“That’s… it’s a nice thought Autumn, but I don’t want to get my hopes up until I know for sure.”

“So, ask her then!”

“What’s the worst that could happen?”
“What’s the worst that could happen?”

Something sharp splintered into Swann’s mind, and she recoiled slightly. The pit in her stomach was returning. That ache that had been building throughout the entire day. Only, it was now more akin to vertigo. She had walked right up to the cliff’s edge while chasing the sun.

One wrong move, and she would fall.

“Swann? What’s wrong?” Autumn grew visibly concerned.

“No. I shouldn’t…” Swann shook her head. “I should just leave it be.”

“Huh? Swann, if you’re afraid she’s gonna reject you, she won’t! You’re probably the only person here who thinks this isn’t a mutual feeling.”

Autumn reached to put a hand on Swann’s shoulder. She dodged it instinctively.

“Don’t…” Swann muttered, voice strained.

“And I’m including Kat in this. She definitely knows you like her, and she seems happy about it.”

“Just stop… please...”

“I don’t get it! Isn’t that what you wanted all along? Why are you trying so hard to deny it!?”

“Because this sort of stuff doesn’t happen to me, Autumn!” Swann exclaimed louder than she’d wanted. Unable to control the avalanche of feelings bubbling to the surface.

Silence rung out for a few moments between the two.

“No matter how much I want to think that Kat could like me back, I can’t let myself get caught up in it! Because then… it’ll hurt more when I’m inevitably proven wrong.”

She could feel tears welling up in her eyes. Autumn looked heartbroken by her friend’s words. Before she could close the distance to give Swann a hug, however, the sound of creaking wood behind them made the redhead jump.

She spun around to see that Nora and Kat were making their way towards her as well. They had stopped in their tracks at her sudden jolt. Both were giving her looks of concern.

That’s when Swann realized her fatal mistake.

Kat heard her.

She practically confessed her feelings out loud. However flimsy the charade may have been, it was officially dead and buried.

She knew what came next. She couldn’t bear to see it happen again.

Not with Kat. It would break her.

So she bolted. As fast as her legs could carry her.

Back into the woods. Away from the warm glow of the sun.

She heard shouts calling out after her.

They were drowned out by laughter from a crowd that had long dispersed.

Chapter Text

Swann’s vision blurred as she ran. Desperate to find any place to hide from prying eyes. She couldn’t bear the weight of everyone’s stares.

She eventually found a nook to hide in. A space just barely big enough between two sets of lockers in an empty hallway.

Most of the other students had already started heading home by now, so it was unlikely she’d be found, let alone disturbed. She just wanted to stay here, and cry. Until she keeled over from dehydration.

A preferable fate to what she had just endured.

She knew her mom was waiting for her back home. But she couldn’t move. She didn’t want to. She didn’t want to see a single other human being right now.

She would stay there for another 30 minutes or so, until she decided to gather her things, and then finally start her laborious walk back home.

Except she heard someone calling out her name. She thought her mind was playing tricks.

But no, she did hear something. It almost sounded like…

Kat?

But she wasn’t there when…

That’s when Swann realized she wasn’t back at school. She was slumped behind a tree, in the woods. Had she run all the way here while zoned out? It was a miracle she didn’t trip on a branch and break something.

As Swann blinked her tears away, the view of the forest came back. As did everything that had just gone down.

The kiss at the lookout. Autumn trying to convince Swann that Kat liked her. Her own feelings spilling out like a bottle of expensive wine, clumsily knocked down onto the floor. How she freaked out and took off without a word.

She knew it wouldn’t be long until the others found her, though. Until Kat found her.

When she did, they’d have to address the elephant that Swann had just thrown into the room.

And then she’d have to accept the reality that Kat didn’t like her.

Hopefully Kat will let her down gentler than…

Her thought was interrupted by footsteps getting closer. They stopped short of where she was. The sound of shuffling told her that whoever was there was now sitting down behind her, on the other side of the tree.

Swann didn’t need to guess who it was that had found her. Kat was the scrappiest of them all, it made sense she’d catch up to her with ease. It was simultaneously the one person she most, and least wanted to see right now.

For a while, the only sounds audible were the ambient sounds of birds. Then, after clearing her throat, Kat finally spoke up.

“You know… I never thought I was all that remarkable. I was just some girl trying to survive a house full of overbearing assholes who thought they knew what was best for me.”

Swann wanted to argue that she wasn’t unremarkable, but knew that it wasn’t the time to interrupt. She gave Kat the space to speak her mind.

“When you started filming me, I was like… ‘What is she doing? She’s just wasting her film on me. I’m just standing there, doing nothing interesting.’ I couldn’t really wrap my mind around it.”

 “But then, you started talking to me more. You actually valued me as a person. I… don’t get that often. Usually, people think I’m just a troublemaker, or they treat me like I’m made of glass. There’s not really any in-between. At least, there wasn’t until now.”

“I think I get it, now. Why you film me. Well, aside from the obvious, anyway, heh.” Kat chuckled, making Swann shift around in embarrassment, “You’re a filmmaker. You have the talent to see the value in anything, even the most mundane things. And I guess it made me realize that maybe… I had some value, if you bothered to film me in the first place.”

There was a moment of silence.

“And especially if you like me.”

 Swann braced herself. There was no going back.

“I-I do.” Swann spoke. Kat already knew, but she wanted to say it on her own terms this time.

Kat hummed. Another beat.

“I’ve had my doubts for a while. The “poet guy” was kind of a dead giveaway, in hindsight. Nora saw through it immediately, of course. She kept insisting you liked me, but I dismissed it at the time. I was still struggling to imagine how anyone would even think of me like that. It didn’t make sense.”

“But today, I saw how nervous you were about, um… kissing me… And yet you still wanted to do it anyway. I think that’s when it clicked, I guess.”

So she already knew.

Fuck it. Time to rip off the band-aid.

“Do you…” Swann started, almost afraid to let herself speak the words. “Is this… mutual?”

Kat didn’t say anything for what felt like a torturous moment. Then, she finally spoke, voice quiet and shy.

“Yeah.”

And there it was. What she’d known all along-

Wait.

What?

Swann felt her mind struggling to catch up to what she’d just heard.

Kat liked her.

The words repeated themselves in her mind like a fanfare. It didn’t feel real. Like at any moment, she’d wake up and find out it was just her mind playing tricks on her all along. But it was. It was real.

“You uh… you still there?” Kat asked.

“Yeah, sorry. I’m just kinda… processing it.” Swann responded with a nervous chuckle.

“Still getting used to the idea that anyone could like you, huh?” Kat joked.

Right… Swann had been so tunnel-focused on her accidental slip of her feelings that she had forgotten about everything else she had let out. She felt guilt stab at her for dumping her ugly problems onto her new friends.

“Sorry about that. For the outburst earlier, I mean.” Swann mumbled.

“You don’t have to apologize for that.” Kat dismissed, “It just… sucks that you were so sure I couldn’t like you back.”

Shit. She hadn’t realized how Kat would have felt about being told her feelings weren’t justified.

Great going, Swann…

No. This right there was the problem. Swann pushed that self-flagellating part of her mind away, and refocused on their conversation.

“Swann, I… you’re amazing. You’re so driven and passionate. You care about others around you. When you start to ramble on about animals or plants, it’s so… endearing. You always make my day brighter when you’re around.”

“What I’m saying is… You’re special. It’s a shame that you can see so much beauty in the world, and yet you can’t see it in yourself.”

Swann felt herself blush at the implication that Kat thought she was beautiful. It was not something she was used to hearing. Sure, Nora had told her a bunch of times, but actually hearing Kat say it felt different. It was a warm hug for her bruised heart.

“I… It’s not that I didn’t think you liked me, necessarily.” Swann began to explain, “I had my own suspicions that maybe you did like me too. I just… I panicked. I was worried I was reading too much into it. I didn’t want to get hurt.”

‘Not again’ was left unspoken. But Kat caught on to the implication.

“Did… did someone hurt you before?” Kat asked, a new edge in her voice.

At that prompt, the sharpness within her returned. This time, wrapped around her chest. She put a hand to it, and took a deep breath.

She began to talk.

“A few years ago… there was a girl I liked. Cassie was her name. It was the first time I had strong feelings for a girl. It was frightening. All the other girls around me were having crushes on guys, but it hadn’t happened for me yet. So, when I started having feelings for a girl instead, I was so worried that people would find out. I wasn’t exactly popular to begin with; I didn’t want to give them more reason to bully me.”

“Then, one day, a group of girls invited me to hang out after school. I didn’t really know them, and they had talked to me a few times here and there. But they seemed nice, and I was desperate to have any kind of friends. So I agreed.”

“At some point, they were talking about their crushes. The question inevitably turned to me… and in the excitement of actually having friends… I let my guard down.”

She could see it vividly. The shock on their faces that turned into exaggerated enthusiasm. The gossip about Cassie also being into girls. Their eagerness to push Swann to confess her feelings. The benefit of hindsight only made her feel dumber for having believed them. But she was young, confused and desperate for any sense of belonging. She took their bait, hook, line and sinker.

“After all, what’s the worst that could happen?”

The sound of a branch cracking caught Swann off-guard. Kat muttered an apology and told her to carry on. Her voice had gone low, dark.

Swann took a moment, feeling a swirl of emotions coming up with the memories. Reliving that moment was the last thing she’d ever wanted to do. But she had to do it. She had to hold that sharpness inside her and yank it out. Even if it drew blood.

She continued.

It had been after school. Swann had managed to catch Cassie by herself in the cafeteria. She was so, so nervous. But her so-called supporters were giving her a thumbs up from behind her. She slowly made her way over to Cassie. Asked if they could talk. Her dismissive tone when she said “Okay?” should have been a warning of what was to come, but she hadn’t even caught it. She simply pushed herself to say those three fateful words.

“I like you.”

Silence. An incredulous stare from her crush.

“You… like me?” Her face had shifted ever so slightly. “Like… romantically?”

A very small nod. Cassie’s eyebrows scrunched.

“And you thought that I would actually like YOU back?” She exclaimed.

The words stabbed Swann right through the chest. Not just the rejection, but the sneer that accompanied it. Her gaze scanned the cafeteria, and she saw some of the people still there had glanced over to them.

Swann’s mind was screaming at her to run, but she simply stood there. Cassie began tearing into her. Telling her she was a freak, a pervert, a disgusting dyke. That even if she DID like girls, she could do so much better. People were walking over to them to check out the commotion, and muttering amongst themselves.

After telling her to stay away, her crush stormed off, leaving her in the middle of the crowd that had gathered. She heard hushed comments, laughter, and wary stares from other girls. Girls who now thought she was nothing more than some leering creep.

But one thing in particular caught her attention. She saw her confidants peeking through the crowd. Snickering at her.

The laughter got louder as someone made a joke. Swann couldn’t hear it; she only knew it was at her expense. Unable to take anymore of this, she took off for the hallways.

“For months after that, the bullying got worse. Girls would avoid me or glare at me in the hallways. People tried to start fights with me for looking at them wrong. It made me want to avoid people altogether. It got less terrible after a while, but at that point the damage was already done. I fully bought into the idea that nobody would ever love me. So, I just kept to myself.”

Swann suddenly felt arms wrapping around her from the side, holding onto her tightly. The touch startled her, but once she felt Kat’s head nestle itself on her shoulder, she felt the warmth return within her. It melted away something that had been stuck for a long time. And as she leaned into the embrace, she could no longer hold back her feelings.

She cried. Years of bottled-up pain, finally coming out in ugly sobs.

“She didn’t deserve you.” Kat simply muttered, voice soft and yet sharp with barely restrained fury. “None of them did.”

They stayed like this for a while. Kat holding Swann, rubbing soothing circles on her back. Once Swann felt like she had fully emptied out her tears, they slowly parted. Swann gave a small smile to the girl who was now sat next to her. Kat’s eyes betrayed a few tears of her own.

“Do you remember their names? Those girls that pushed you to confess?” Kat asked, failing to conceal her rage with a casual tone.

The intent to get revenge was not lost on Swann, and it made her heart flutter. Kat, this wonderful girl who entered her life by standing between her and Corey… She still had that protective instinct towards her, even now. But the last thing she wanted was to re-instigate old drama.

“I don’t. Honestly, I’d rather just never think about them again.”

“If you say so. But if you change your mind, let me know. I have my methods.”

“Noted. I really appreciate it, though.”

“Of course. You’re worth it, Swann Holloway.”

Swann smiled slightly at that. The thought didn’t quite root itself fully within her, but she was glad Kat thought so at least.

The sudden crunching of leaves caught Kat and Swann by surprise. They accidentally bumped each other as they turned back to see Nora and Autumn walking towards them.

"Geez-o! How long have you two been here?” Swann exclaimed.

“…long enough. I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop, I promise!” Nora responded.

“So you heard about…”

Nora nodded, glancing to the ground for a moment.

“God, if I had known... That’s so fucked up that they did that to you! If I ever see those girls, I’ll…” Nora grumbled, kicking a small rock.

“You and me both.” Kat responded.

“Me three.” Autumn chimed in, “Nobody messes with our Swann.”

Dammit, she was getting emotional again.

“You guys…” Swann said as she tried to blink tears away, “I don’t know what I did to deserve friends like you…”

“Hey, hey…” Autumn said as she walked over to give Swann a hug, “You totally deserve us. No matter what anyone tells you.”

“Those other idiots don’t know what they’re missing.” Nora said as she joined in, “You’re like… one of the coolest people I’ve ever met.”

“Yeah. And unfortunately for you, you’re stuck with us forever.” Kat joked, worming her way into the huddle.

Swann let herself melt into the embrace of her friends. Nobody had shown care for her like this until she met those three. Where would she be now if not for them? She let herself enjoy the proximity of her friends for now. Her ride-or-dies.

The group hug broke, and Swann wiped her tears away.

“Now, Nor… I think you owe Swann and Kat an apology for playing matchmaker with them.” Autumn nonchalantly chided.

“Well… it worked, didn’t it?” Nora tried to joke.

“Nora…”

“Yeah, you’re right. Sorry, you two. I got carried away. You were just… so clearly in love with each other! And I thought it would help you two realize it…”

“Yeah right, you just wanted to watch two girls kiss, you perv.” Kat teased the punk as she put her arms around Swann, who felt shivers at the contact.

“I plead the fifth.”

“It’s all good, Nora.” Swann forgave, “Maybe just don’t spring something like that on someone all of a sudden next time?”

“Point taken.”

Kat, meanwhile, simply hummed. She let go of Swann, and made a show of looking like she was really thinking on how to respond.

“You know, I don’t know if I can really forgive you.” She pondered jovially, “I think we need to get even. What do you think, Swann?”

Kat turned to her with a mischievous look in her eyes. Swann almost immediately figured out what Kat had in mind. And she grinned. A part of her felt a twinge of guilt at the thought; she didn’t want to mess with Nora like that necessarily. But since Nora thought the two of them had been fair game…

“Okay, I’ve got something. Since Kat and I were compelled to kiss… I think for our next shoot, it’s only fair that our lovely director gets in on the action.”

“Again?” Nora tilted her head quizzically, “You have a weird definition of getting even, Swann. That’s hardly punishment.”

“Oh yeah? So you’re down to kiss Autumn then?” Swann smirked.

Autumn did a double take, “Me?! Why am *I* getting roped into this, now?!”

Nora’s face, meanwhile, blanched ever so slightly, “Yeah, that’s not… she wouldn’t want that anyway.”

Kat and Swann’s grins went wide as they watched Nora become awkward all of a sudden. Realization struck Autumn when she noticed their smiles, and she turned to Nora, arms crossed, mouth slightly agape.

“What? What are you…” Nora stammered, looking to each of them.

“Oh. My god.” Autumn let out, now grinning herself.

“Hey! Stop looking at me like that!”

Autumn simply responded by rolling her eyes, strutting up to the flustered punk, grabbing her face and kissing her on the spot.

To say Swann and Kat were floored by this development would be an understatement. It was just a few moments, but it had enough to make Nora utterly short-circuit. She was reduced to babbling incoherent sounds as Autumn walked away, looking quite satisfied with herself.

“There.” She chirped, “I’m not doing it again for the camera though.”

“No, that’s… I think that’s good enough.” Swann stammered, still a little bit in shock.

“Daaamn.” Was all that Kat could say in response.

Autumn looked up to the sky, “Anyway… I think we should head back. It’s starting to get dark.”

Swann looked around. She hadn’t noticed the orange glow of the sunset fading out into purples. The day had zoomed by shockingly quick; hardly surprising given how eventful it had been.

The group agreed to leave, as did Nora after she finally snapped out of her post-kiss haze. They began to make their way back down the trail, enjoying the dusk ambience of the Velvet Cove woods.

Swann, feeling emboldened after everything that had gone down that day, held out a hand towards Kat. After a moment of hesitation, she felt Kat’s fingers interlocking with hers. They both made a point to avoid eye contact with Nora, who was now looking at them with a huge Cheshire grin.

Swann did catch Autumn giving her a knowing smile, though. She returned it shyly, glancing away.

Guess she was right about the two of them, after all.

---

That night, Swann spent a bit of time going over the footage they had recorded that day. The start of the tape mostly comprised of her typical nature shots. Some of the clips had bits of the conversations the others had been having. She had long since accepted those little interruptions would crop up in her recordings. In fact, she even enjoyed them. It was a small reminder she was no longer all on her own.

It really was night and day, compared to that horrible day just a few years ago. Back then, she felt like nobody was in her corner. Even her own mother could barely be any comfort. Swann cast a glare to the scale that was barely peeking out from under her bed. Her mother had gotten it for her not even a week after Cassie brutally rejected her. The implications had not been lost on her, even at the time.

Now, she had friends. Actual friends, not pretend ones playing a prank on her.

And then there was Kat. The girl who apparently liked her back. The thought still felt intangible to her, as if it would dissipate into a puff of smoke at the slightest provocation.

The TV flipped to a new set of shots. Shots of… her, walking up the incline to the lookout. Leaning on a tree to catch her breath. Swann stared at them curiously. They went on for a while. She remembered that was when she had lended her camera to Nora. Why had she filmed this? It was no wonder they had run out of film.

Then, she heard voices talking.

“Dude, you’re gonna use up all the film before we get to our filming spot.”

Nora’s voice? Then…

“Yeah, yeah. I’m done.”

Kat… was filming her?

The feed cut to the lookout. That fateful scene they had recreated. But instead of reliving that magical moment, Swann rewound back to the start of the shots of her.

She took the shots in. They were blurry and shaky, sure… but it was Kat recording them. Recording her. Granting Swann the gift of seeing herself through Kat’s eyes. And for once, she didn’t see all the little imperfections she always noticed in her own recordings. She saw a girl who was worthy enough to be preserved on film.

Swann felt a warmth in her heart at that thought. Whatever straggling doubts had remained after their conservation were now gone. As she got ready for bed that night, absentmindedly petting Shadow’s head, one thing was clear to her.

Kat did, in fact, love her back.

Tomorrow, they’d have to figure out what that meant for the two of them. And, more importantly, how they’d handle Swann’s move to Vancouver in a few weeks.

Tonight, though, Swann chose to let herself be lulled to sleep by memories of Kat’s smile in the golden sunset glow.