Work Text:
When Jack Met Mark
‘…Khon Kaen?’
Jack fastens the zipper of his bag.
‘Yeah’ he confirms, walking around the room to make sure he isn’t forgetting anything. ‘Ahma is gonna be staying at the shrine for a few weeks and I don’t– I can’t stay here by myself’ he explains, avoiding his friends’ eyes. ‘I’ll go insane.’
‘Jack, we understand’ Hoi says, frowning as Jack continues moving, restless. ‘But…why Khon Kaen? Going all by yourself to such a far away place, I don’t think–’
‘Hoi’ Tattoo interrupts.
Arun’s hand on Hoi’s shoulder halts his rambling when Jack tenses. He exhales, closing his eyes, before finally glancing at his three most loyal friends, standing inside his cold, desolate little bedroom.
His eyes shift momentarily to the white suit still neatly hanged over his closet door, eerily still and untouched.
He gulps down.
It never gets easier.
‘Joke wanted to go there after our wedding’ he explains, sighing as he retrieves an envelope from the pocket of his jacket, handing it over. Arun gently takes it, the three of them reading the words written in it.
Our gift to you; I hope this starts making up for all my mistakes. I love you, son. Congratulations on your wedding.
‘Mr. Suthi gave this to us a few days after we got engaged’ Jack says, pocketing his hands. ‘Two tickets, and accommodation for…’
‘A honeymoon trip?’ Arun looks up at him, concern written all over his face. ‘Jack, are you sure it’s a good idea?’
Jack’s eyes find Joke’s wedding suit again. He hasn’t been able to put it away. He looks at it, every single day—when he wakes, when he goes to sleep. Sometimes he simply lays in bed and stares at it, imagining Joke wearing it and how handsome he would have looked.
Jack’s chest hurts with the fear that, one day, he may no longer be able to picture his face when he closes his eyes.
‘I’m not’ Jack answers honestly, eyes lost. He blinks when they start burning and tears them away from the wedding suit. ‘But it doesn’t matter where I am. Here or in Khon Kaen, I’m still miserable’ he states, taking the envelope back and putting it inside his bag. ‘That much, I know.’
His words are met with silence, and Jack feels a pang of guilt; he hates how uncomfortable he makes them. How uncomfortable his presence is for everyone around him. The carefulness with which they tiptoe around him, too.
But Jack has promised. He has promised his grandmother, Toi Ting, and his friends. Joke, too, even if he’d never hear. He’s promised to stay.
This is just something clawing at his insides. Something he feels might give him some sort of closure, but he isn’t sure.
Tattoo is the first to speak up.
‘Make sure to call us when you land’ he says, stepping closer to Jack, hesitating before placing a hand on his shoulder. ‘We’ll take care of things here’ he adds, smiling at him. The implication in his words pushes Jack to reassure them.
‘Oh, I was going to close the center for the time being, you don’t have to take over–’
‘We can. And we will. Don’t worry, Jack’ Arun says, walking closer, too. Hoi follows right behind, his eyes troubled. ‘Just…keep us updated, okay?’
‘And be careful’ he adds, crossing his arms.
Jack looks at them, and notices how different they all look.
Neither of them have been the same since, and it’s evident. Jack doesn’t know if he’ll ever get used to it. The way Arun clings to people now, for dear life; or the way Tattoo goes out of his way to make sure everyone’s okay. The way Hoi became quieter, soft spoken.
The way his friends became incredibly over protective of Jack.
The bag over his shoulder weights a lot more than it should.
Yes, Jack has made a promise to keep going. He just doesn’t know how long he’ll be able to keep it. None of them know, and it gets more obvious, with each passing day. So his friends’ unwillingness to leave him alone is something he can understand.
Still, he reassures them, time and time again.
That even though he doesn’t know what the future holds, even thought his grief weights on him so heavily somedays the mere motion of breathing hurts him all over, something always ends up tethering him to this world, stubbornly not done with him.
When Jack simply smiles at them, it’s a smile he has practiced. A smile that doesn’t really come from inside, just a slight tug of his lips, straining his muscles each time he forces it.
His real one…it belongs with Joke.
It belongs only with Joke.
‘I will.’ Jack reassures them.
♥
Fresh air fills his lungs as he steps out of the bus.
It’d been a long, long trip, and Jack still feels tremors after experiencing a plane ride for the first time in his life. The tiring bus ride hadn’t done anything to settle him, either, but he finally breathes in relief when his feet touch land, walking away from the Khon Kaen’s station with quivering steps. He quickly checks his phone searching for the address to his accommodation.
Already feeling the humidity sticking to his skin, he communicates it to the first driver he finds, who nods and motions at him to get inside, putting his bag on the trunk before it closes with a loud bang.
Jack sags against his seat, his chest feels tight, but he resolutely ignores it, doing his best to focus on the view outside the window instead, as the driver takes him all around the city.
It’s nothing out of the ordinary, he thinks, but definitely different from home.
‘Whoa! The beach is so beautiful! Can we go there first, Jack?’ Joke suddenly speaks next to him, eyes bright as he stares through the car window.
Jack’s lips tug upwards, slightly, not taking his eyes away from the view outside.
Soon enough the car is stopping, pulling into the drive way of a nice building, a long set of stairs leading to the entrance. It definitely doesn’t look like a hotel, and Jack frowns as he exits the car, his bag already being handed to him by the driver.
‘Are you sure this is the right place, Phi?’ He asks, checking the address on his phone again, showing it to the man.
‘Yes’ the man confirms, after reading it over. ‘472, Chao Ngo Road. This is it’ he says, pointing at it.
‘I thought it’d be a hotel. I don’t…I’ve never done this before, how am I supposed to get inside?’ Jack asks, scanning at the building.
‘Oh, many of the owners rent their condos for people who come visit. You’ll find a slot with your name or the person who booked the room written on it. You should have the code for that in your reservation’ the man explains, walking towards the driver’s door. ‘Have a good day, kid’ he says, smiling at him before climbing back to the car, swiftly driving away.
Jack stands there, blinking in confusion.
Kid?
He looks back at the stairs before him, sighing as he rummages through his travel bag, searching for the envelope Joke’s father gave them.
Inside, indeed, he finds a small paper with written instructions as to how to get inside.
With a tired sigh, he climbs the steps one by one. It doesn’t take him much to get his keys, so he quickly walks inside the building, feet echoing on the marble floors as he finds the elevators, currently out of service.
‘Of course’ he mumbles, adjusting the strap of his bag over his shoulder before making a beeline for the stairs, and up to the fifth floor.
‘Come on, don’t be so lazy, aren’t you supposed to be a retired athlete?’ Joke teases, his pretty voice echoes in Jack’s mind, fluttering around sweetly as he climbs up.
Jack is silent as he reaches his floor, slightly out of breath. Following the signs, he finally finds it. Three golden numbers shine down to him.
514.
He slots the key in and opens the door, finally stepping inside the dark room. He finds the switch and then, brightness fills it, Jack’s eyes scanning the place. A studio bedroom; tall, wide windows letting sunlight peak through the curtains, a bathroom, a kitchenette and a queen sized bed, a soft looking, white comforter draped over it, and a never ending set of pillows adorning it.
Small, charming and cozy.
Perfect, in every single way.
‘It’s nice, isn’t it?’ Joke’s voice echoes in his mind again. ‘It’s perfect.’
Jack can picture his smile and his shinny eyes, and the way he’d scan the room in awe, dropping on the bed next and sighing, content.
‘Oh, look! They left us a gift.’
Jack’s eyes land on the table next to the balcony windows, where a basket rests on top of it.
He walks towards it, dread already pooling at his gut. Inside there are two glasses and a bottle of wine, alongside a floral arrangement.There’s a short note attached to it too, and against his better judgement, Jack picks it up, eyes scanning over the neat cursive handwriting.
[For the newlyweds, I hope you make fond memories in Khon Kaen. Congratulations on your wedding.]
A heaviness drags his heart down, clutching at it in a firm grip. His fingers tighten around the thin paper, slightly trembling.
‘There’s a big market! They say it’s really nice. I want to go and buy lots of delicious food.’
Joke’s voice pulls Jack out of it, once again. He leaves the note back where it was, not sparing it another glance.
He takes a deep breath, and hugs the ring hanging on the chain around his neck, hidden beneath his shirt.
He manages a little smile, enduring the strain.
‘I’ll take you there, my dear’ he whispers, letting out a shaky breath. ‘I’ll take you everywhere you want.’
♥
Ton Tann Market is truly huge, just as Joke mentioned. Jack wanders through it, watching as the stores burst with life, filled with lights and laughter. Food stands send smoke into the air as more and more dishes are prepared. The smell is pleasant, familiar even, but Jack isn’t particularly hungry. He hasn’t truly enjoyed one single bite of food in weeks, eating and drinking solely to give his body enough fuel to push him through the days.
An ice cream stand catches his attention, though.
‘I wish I could eat chocolate ice cream every day of my life’ his lover says through a cute pout.
Jack’s feet take him towards it, and soon finds himself standing in line, waiting, hands hidden in his pocket. He barely pays any mind to his surroundings, eyes lost as he stares ahead as the line becomes shorter and shorter.
He doesn’t get chocolate.
He opts for strawberry instead, and another smile tugs at his lips at the memories. He remembers the way Joke would whine when Jack tried to steal a bite, saying––
‘It’s my ice cream. Get chocolate yourself next time.’
Jack stops before the sweet treat can enter his mouth. He turns his head, looking around, heart pounding. People keep walking by him, but each face is stranger than the last, unfamiliar as he stands there, completely frozen.
He shudders.
The voice still rings in his ears, as if Joke had actually spoke the words, right next to him.
Did that really come out of his mind?
His ice cream slowly melts in his hands, a few pink drops sliding down his knuckles. The cold feeling pulls him back, suddenly. Jack blinks his eyes, coming back to himself. He shakes his head, as he walks away, finally taking a big bite of his ice cream.
His grief may be latching on to him a bit too tightly, he realizes. It has become such a constant companion, he sometimes forgets how to push it back.
Jack has gotten used to it.
Used to seeing him, hearing him, even feeling his touch.
All of it feels so vivid in his mind. He goes there plenty to relive it, as much as he can, even if he knows he shouldn’t. He knows indulging in it will just bring him a lot more pain, but he’s doing the best he can with what he has.
Which isn’t much.
He finds solace in the fact that he knows Joke would understand him.
That he’d never judge him for coping the way he does, and that eases the ache in his heart, even if just a little bit.
♥
The next day, his muscles are stiff, tired from all the waking. He goes outside for a bit, but the weather it’s unbearably hot. He quickly decides to find something to eat, before going back inside, at least until the sun sets a little bit.
After roaming aimlessly under the sun for what feels like an eternity, he finally finds a supermarket.
The doors make a strange noise when they slide open, and Jack is met by endless aisles of products, one next to the other, the sight already exhausting the more he stares at them. He grabs a small cart and walks, feeling weird and out of his own skin. Doing something so normal, something so domestic, all alone, still feels like pulling a tooth.
He sighs, wandering mindlessly toward the fifth aisle. Nothing in particular catches his eye.
‘Maybe I should just go back’ he considers to himself, exhaustion weighting on him.
‘No, I don’t want to go to the apartment just yet’ Joke suddenly speaks, loud and clear, as if he were in the aisle right next to him.
His voice comes suddenly, the same way it did at the market.
Jack sighs again, rolling his eyes, shaking it away. The Joke in his mind is growing a mind of his own, apparently. Jack keeps on walking, wondering if he should just get something to cook, at least.
‘Ah, they have my favorite snack in stock today’ Joke says, then.
Jack freezes again, helplessly looking up.
He then looks towards to the shelves, and indeed, finds them. Those hideous chips Joke used to love so much.
He can’t help but smile in spite of himself, his mind filling up with fond memories as he grabs a few bags and puts them into his cart.
‘Alright, I can go back now’ Joke's sweet voice concedes.
Jack lets out a soundless laugh, helplessly fond.
‘You sure, my dear?’ He dares to voice quietly, indulging himself, almost wondering what would Joke’s answer be.
Of course, nobody answers, the voice gone with the echoes of it.
Jack’s mind has been helpful in that sense; in conjuring up the most accurate reminiscences of his late boyfriend.
His partner, his fiancé, his husband.
Filling up the empty slots in his life, even if briefly, a ghostly presence fluttering around him, following everywhere he goes.
Jack doesn’t know when that made-up presence became so tangible, to him. Doesn’t know if the echoes his sorrowful mind creates are even accurate at all or nothing more than wishful thinking, perfect idealizations of the person he fell in love with.
But Joke would have been happy to be here, at least. Of that, Jack is certain.
The thought tenderly wraps around his heart.
♥
He goes to the beach on the fourth day.
It’s beautiful, and Jack sits on the damp sand until the sun starts to set.
Joke would have made everything better.
It’s all he can think about, the longer he spends time in this place.
The sights would have been prettier, the food, tastier. Even the small inconveniences would have been laughed away. Still, Jack has gone to every single spot, as if scratching them off a list, somewhere in his mind.
He gazes forward, the sun almost fully hidden behind the horizon. It hurts. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts, but soon enough, a rush of Joke’s scent overwhelms his senses.
Jack inhales him.
‘You’ve got sand in your hair, my dear’ Joke would say, brushing his bangs away from Jack’s face tenderly. ‘But you still look so handsome’ he’d giggle, caressing down his cheek. Jack leans into it, even if he knows there’s just cold air, but he imagines it, to the best of his abilities.
His warm, loving touch.
Fleeting, before going away completely. Only granting Jack those few short seconds of relief before disappearing again.
The ache in his chest is a constant in his life; dull, stinging from time to time, never giving him any warning before it digs its knife deep into him. Jack has been at the mercy of that pain for what feels like ages, but he’s learned to welcome it, wondering if, one day, it’ll push him over the edge for good.
That possibility doesn’t feel as far away, or as impossible, today.
Jack has thought about death many, many times during the past weeks.
And it terrifies him, that the sole thought of waking up another day without Joke by his side is actually worse, and the idea of the sweet release of death seems nothing short of a heaven within his reach.
That way, they could be together. That way he could see that lovely face again, hear that melodic laugh, feel those soft, perfect lips against his own.
‘I’ll always find my way back to you.’
Jack closes his eyes, sighing.
The sky has turned dark, and the waves are almost reaching his feet. The world signals, once again, he must come back. Face reality, once more.
He forces himself to stand, pocketing his hands before slowly starting to walk back.
The ache in his chest loosens a bit, stomach growling, a vivid reminder of how alive he still is. Even if he’s eating considerably less than before, he’s learned to gather the will to eat at least one meal a day.
Jack doesn’t know how long that’ll hold, but for now, he pushes through, with every single ounce of strength left in his body. For his grandmother, his friends, and Joke.
He’ll fight, for as long as he can.
He’s fucking promised he would.
He finds a store on his way back, and quickly orders his dinner to go, mentally preparing himself to force it down his throat if he has to. He pays and thanks the lady at the counter. Water drops start falling from above, turning into a proper rain when Jack finally climbs the stairs of the familiar building, running inside quickly before he gets soaked.
He shrugs off his jacket, pushing his damp hair back and he sighs, eyeing the broken elevator as he walks up the stairs. He reaches the fourth floor and something tugs at him. The dread of walking inside that small, empty room almost paralyzing, too much for him to let his feet drag him further.
Jack feels as if stuck in a limbo, swaying between all the places he could be, all the spaces he could exist in, but each and every single one of them bring him unbearable pain. It strikes him yet again—the sudden reality he’s facing.
The fact there’s nowhere for him to go to find relief.
Absolutely nowhere.
Still, he forces himself to keep walking, turning to start climbing the last set of stairs, clutching the bags in his hands, when he hears it.
Loud and solid and real, physically coming from above.
His voice.
‘You’re exaggerating.’
A pause. Blood pulses in Jack’s ears.
‘It’s just a few days. We’ll meet again on Sunday’ the voice continues, echoing all around him. ‘We saw each other yesterday!’ It becomes faint, as it moves away.
Jack's feet react instantly, like they have a mind of their own.
The voice sings again.
‘You’re impossible…’ A quiet laugh. ‘I miss you, too.’
Jack follows the sound like a beacon, heart hammering as he desperately runs up the last bit of stairs and turns left, opposite to his room, the faint pretty laugh instinctively guiding him towards it like a siren’s call. He turns to a different hallway, chest heaving, sprinting toward the end of it through tunnel vision.
He makes another turn, and his body freezes.
Jack sees him.
Thin frame, hugged by an oversized pink T-shirt and white shorts. His hair curls over his forehead, fair skin slightly tinted pink as he speaks into his phone, pretty lips tugged into a lovely, lazy smile as he leans against the wall.
A twinkling giggle follows. A sound engraved in Jack’s heart.
‘I love you too. Bye’ The boy says, eyes turning into crescents as he hangs up the call.
Jack’s heart stops, the bags slipping through his numb fingers and dropping down with a thud, his drink spilling all over the pristine floor.
The boy’s head jerks up at the noise.
Lovely, breathtaking brown orbs stare right into Jack's.
A vision.
Completely, unforgivingly pulling Jack into a trance, tearing away every ounce of sanity left in his brain.
Younger, familiar eyes shine a lot brighter with a delicate naivety, all wide and surprised as they stare at Jack openly.
Different, and just the same.
Jack lets out a shaky exhale, chest tightening, unable to fathom the view before him.
‘…What?’ He breathes, weak, vulnerable disbelief coating his voice as he takes a few tentative steps, stumbling towards the unbelievable vision. Is he dreaming? He feels his eyes burning and his throat close up.
His long lost lover blinks, and his expression is still one of shock, eyes flickering to his phone and then back to Jack.
‘J–Joke?’ Jack chokes, desperate for something, anything to help him understand. His head starts hurting as he feels the air around him thicken, prickling at his skin.
At the mention of the name, the smaller man’s brow furrows, tilting his head to the side.
‘What?’ He breathes, visibly puzzled.
Desperation punches out of Jack in sharp, shaky breaths as his body moves on its own.
‘Joke!’ He exclaims, feet carrying him without thinking, barley noticing the way his lover flinches, eyes widening when Jack gets close enough to touch.
Jack’s hands tremble as they reach to gently cradle that lovely, beautiful face between cold fingers, drinking in the view that breathes air into his lungs after what felt like years of agonizing yearning.
‘It’s you’ he breathes, leaning in to bring their foreheads together, staring deep into those dark, brown orbs filled with shock. ‘It’s really you.’
Jack feels him go rigid against him. His lover adverts his eyes downward nervously, and small hands come in between them, softly but firmly pushing him away, making Jack stumble slightly.
‘Um…’ the boy starts, ‘I’m…I’m not Joke’ he says, lowering his arms slowly. Jack follows the movement, utter disbelief showering all over him when he notices there are no tattoos marring that skin. Not a single one in sight.
His vision becomes a bit blurry, the more he stares at him; a striking image of his lover, that looks so different from him, but so similar all the same.
His breathing picks up and he stumbles backwards, head pounding in the midst of his shock and confusion. His chest aches. He slips on the spilled drink on the floor, and falls, barely catching himself on his hands as he winces.
The boy moves towards Jack instantly, arms reaching out for him tentatively.
Once he’s close enough, his beautiful eyes scan Jack’s face tenderly, as he extends out a hand for him to take. Jack knows his face must be pale as he feels his blood drain out of him, body shivering at the closeness.
Disoriented, he tries to control his breathing and stares at the overwhelming sight in front of him.
‘Are you alright?’ The boy asks, brown pupils as shiny as they are confused. Jack gulps down, his throat dry, but then the boy smiles at him, and fuck—he looks just like him, just like his Joke, as he waits for Jack to take his hand.
It lingers in the air, unmoving. But his eyes, his eyes tell Jack a million stories, flashing his mind with his most beloved memories the more he stares at them.
So, Jack takes it, shakily, feeling the warm skin against his own. So soft. So solid.
So… alive.
The boy helps Jack to his feet, standing there awkwardly as he stares up at him. Jack looks at him, expecting him to disappear if he so much as blinks his eyes. His hand still in Jack’s, the boy gazes at him as if trying to read him—to understand, to unravel whatever Jack is.
It takes Jack’s breath away, the feeling achingly familiar.
Then, the boy’s hand starts slipping away, gone before Jack can even tighten his hold, clenching on air. The smaller man licks his lips, putting more distance between them, looking up at him shyly.
He looks much, much younger than Joke, his skin is void of roughness, fair and visibly untouched by life.
He’s the vivid image of his lover, but those beautiful eyes look at him differently; naive and innocent, curious, and transparent. As if they’ve never seen the world. Never known agony. Never experienced tragedy.
New, fresh, and full of life.
Something in Jack’s brain somehow clicks, and it sends shivers through his whole body, hurting every single cell to no end, killing something inside him, once more.
He realizes—that this person in front of him, as painfully beautiful and identical, is not his Joke.
Deep down he’d known it, the moment he’d laid eyes on him, but the agony of his grief had gotten the best of him.
‘What’s your name?’ The boy asks, glancing up at him, and he seems to be the only one with the most answers about whatever the hell is happening. Seems to have understood it all, somehow. He looks at Jack with such intensity, it makes him feel as if his knees could buckle at any moment, vulnerably gone for him, even now.
Jack swallows, thickly. The simple motion of breathing hurts, endlessly.
‘…Jack’ he rasps after a few seconds. ‘My name is Jack.’
The boy smiles, brown orbs turning into stars as the dimple Jack has kissed countless of times makes a shy appearance, as if wanting to say hello after such a long time. Jack’s eyes sting, still pathetically enamored, heart throbbing mercilessly inside his ribcage.
‘It’s nice to meet you’ he greets, looking at him carefully. ‘My name is Mark’ he adds with finality, eyes soft but firm against Jack’s.
♥
‘Do you feel better?’ Mark asks, staring at Jack through his fringe.
Upon seeing Jack unable to stop shaking, Mark had kindly invited him inside his apartment, offering him a warm cup of tea he’d placed in between Jacks’s trembling fingers.
Now they are sitting on the sofa, facing each other.
‘Yes’ Jack replies, bringing the mug to his lips, the rich flavor soothes his dry throat a little bit. ‘Uh…sorry about…earlier. You just…’ he pauses, eyes mapping Mark’s face all over. ‘I thought you were someone else.’
Mark’s eyes are firm against his, bright and innocent—transparent with wonder and a curiosity impossible to hide.
‘I figured…’ He says, fingers fidgeting over his knees as he sits with his back straight, slightly leaning forward, his attention unwavering. He must realize he’s staring hard because he suddenly blinks, as if coming to himself, and adverts his eyes. ‘Who did you think I was?’ He asks shyly.
It makes Jack smile. ‘Joke. My partner’ he says, simply. Deciding on a much easier way to explain, he pulls out his phone, and searches for the pictures he’d been drowning in for weeks on end, and turns the screen towards the boy sitting across from him.
Mark’s eyes widen even more, as his hands slowly reach out, taking the phone carefully between them.
‘That’s…oh’ He mumbles, staring at Jack’s phone in shock. ‘This is…so creepy’ he says, swiping left and right as he stares at the pictures.
‘You’re like twins.’
At this Mark looks up, and visibly considers before handing Jack his phone back, and reaching for something on the table next to the couch. When he looks back at Jack, he’s holding two polaroid pictures between his fingers.
After a few moments, he gives them for Jack to take.
‘I guess I could say the same’ Mark says.
Jack’s heart pounds, suddenly, as he stares at his own face. The man in the picture looks exactly like him, but his hair is shorter, and he's smiling brightly. He looks younger, too. In the other picture he’s kissing Mark’s cheek, right over the dimple Jack knows is there.
Something about the sight soothes him and breaks him all the same.
They look happy. He tries to find his voice again.
‘That’s…’ Jack breathes, unable to form coherent thoughts.
‘Vee. My boyfriend.’
Another look into the boy’s eyes confirms with finality what’s already known. Mark smiles at him.
Jack sighs, looking back at the pictures, thumb swiping over the smooth surface.
‘I see.’
After that, it becomes easier for them to talk. Mark is sweet; there’s an air of naivety to him, something so unlike Joke, it gives Jack waves of whiplash the more he hears him, the more he stays here, looking at him.
The striking difference in their lives gives them plenty to talk about, too. Jack’s heart, though permanently wounded, finds solace in the peacefulness that surrounds the life Mark lives, together with Vee.
He settles for listening to him, Mark’s voice filling all the empty places within, singing to his heart in a way he hadn’t thought he’d feel again. Jack answers his questions carefully, already addicted to the ease of their conversation, not wanting to darken it with his harsh reality—the nightmare he’s found himself trapped in for what feels like years.
The simple thought of that smile he’s missed so much being wiped away so soon, has Jack’s chest clenching.
‘Phi, you’re like…from a whole other universe’ Mark says, eyes big. The honorific slips in so easily, it pulls yet another smile out of Jack as he suddenly realizes how young Mark must be for him to call him that so naturally.
‘Our home is quite far from here’ he explains, ‘But it’s the same world, I’m afraid’ he adds, drinking the last bit of his tea. Mark takes the mug from his hand gently, before placing it on the coffee table behind him.
‘What made you come here?’ He asks, then, an easy smile on his lips.
Jack doesn’t answer immediately. He adjusts his posture, facing Mark completely as he considers his next words.
He looks at the ring on Mark’s finger; a white band with golden stripes along the edges. It sits there delicately, and Jack immediately knows it isn’t any ordinary piece of jewelry. Mark rubs his thumb over it, tenderly.
A small part within Jack is relieved, strangely.
‘Khon Kaen is the place we planned to visit for our honeymoon’ he explains, fingers twitching. Mark’s already big eyes widen even more, as he leans forward with a gleeful expression, as if unable to believe what he’s hearing.
‘You got married?’ He asks, amazed, and Jack doesn’t miss the way he unconsciously touches his ring again. Jack's eyes stay glued there, the question lingering in the air, deafening as he gulps down, his throat scraping dry.
‘Not…not exactly.’
Jack mirrors Mark’s movements, and runs his thumb over his own wedding band.
The silence that follows is heavy but screams volumes.
Jack knows Mark might be able to see it, now.
He’s been attuned to him this whole time, just as Jack has.
It’s evident, after all, in his empty, exhausted eyes. In his worn out, weak frame.
The next question is voiced with underlined understanding, of sorts.
‘Where is he, P’Jack?’ Mark asks softly, as if scared, but his eyes tell Jack he might have figured it all out. ‘Why are you here alone?’ He adds, and it pains Jack, how similar they are in the way Mark looks at him with the same resolve Joke used to, demanding but gentle as he waits for Jack to answer.
Jack stares at him, stares at those pretty hands resting on Mark’s lap, one hugging the other, shielding the ring tenderly. Jack feels it like a punch to his lungs.
‘He’s…’ he mutters weakly, as his hand grabs onto his own ring tightly. ‘He isn’t with me anymore.’
There’s a shift, a thin veil casting a spell upon them.
‘…what do you mean?’ Mark asks, voice soft.
Jack’s eyes burn.
‘Joke…he’s…’ he halts, uttering the words feels impossible, but he tries his best to push them out. ‘He’s gone’ he chokes out, his hands clenching into fists as he brings them to his chest, hugging his wedding band to his heart. His entire frame quivers, shoulders curling inwards as the pain becomes unbearable.
He looks down, face twisting, breathing out the words he’s been scared of saying out loud as fresh, hot tears slide down his cheeks.
‘He’s dead.’
♥
Mark feels his throat close up.
He still can’t believe what’s happening. A man, the striking image of his lover, only older, is sitting right in front of him. Still, his brain somehow wrapped around the idea quicker than it would have been normal. This man, who’s face is the same of the guy he’s fallen so deeply in love with, looks desperately hopeful. Mark stares at him, sees those beautiful, sharp eyes, fill with agonizing yearning.
He has never been looked at in such a way, never felt so much longing coming from someone else. He has yearned, himself. For Bar, for Vee, for love. And his own boyfriend has made him feel all the right and all the wrong things he’d never expected to feel at all in his short life.
But this…this pain, a sorrow that is not his own, weights on him heavily. He can’t look away from that face he knows by heart, from this whole new version of the man he loves as he watches it crumble down, utterly broken. Jack quietly cries, visibly doing his best to breathe evenly as each intake of air hurts endlessly.
The harsh truth has been floating all around them, something in Mark already knew, somehow. About the unforgiving reality haunting Jack, whose entire being barely seems to hold itself together at this pain.
It hurts, it hurts Mark to his core.
A rush of heavy feelings fills him to the brim; sympathy for a man he’s never seen but ultimately knows, in his heart, to be someone important. Yearning, a need that extends and stretches from his heart and towards him, at the sight of Jack, shattering into pieces. And grief. A grief, so, so heavy he can feel it as if it’s his own, for someone he’s never known. It latches to his lungs, gripping tight at them, making it difficult to breathe.
Something tears at Mark’s insides, and pulls at each piece of him toward different directions.
It simply breaks his heart.
How could it not? When that face he loves so much twists with a pain Mark never thought he’d ever witness.
He feels as if someone else takes over him, because he moves without thinking, and tenderly reaches out to wipe Jack’s tears away.
Dark, lovely eyes filled with despair widen, as Jack’s breath itches at the sudden touch. Mark pulls away his hand, then, retreating back even as Jack moves forward, hands instantly coming up but stilling in the air just as quick, as he visibly tries to hold back.
‘I’m sorry’ Mark mumbles, looking up at him carefully.
‘No, don’t be’ Jack breathes, hands clenching into fists as he lays them back on his lap. They shake a little bit, Mark notices. ‘It’s…it’s okay’ Jack reassures, body rigid as he lets out a quivering breath.
Their gaze lock once more, and there’s such torment in Jack’s eyes, something in them pleads, yearns, screams for Mark to do something, anything to ease his never-ending agony just a little bit. It’s physically impossible for him not to comply. He leans forward, slowly and carefully placing his hands gently over Jack’s, covering his fists entirely, as he spreads his fingers over them.
The reaction is instantaneous, Jack’s fingers go completely slack under Mark’s touch, so, so naturally, as if they’re coming back home after years, utterly exhausted.
Jack looks at their hands, and tentatively interlocks their fingers. A shiver runs down his spine, his eyes never leaving their intertwined hands as his fingers feel Mark’s skin beneath his palm, touching him lovingly, carefully. Mark’s heart skips s bit.
Then, a sad, fond smile takes over Jack’s lips, cueing a fresh wave of clear tears leaving his tired eyes.
Mark feels it.
Unconditional, undying love.
It’s clear, transparent even, like those tears tainting Jack’s cheeks over and over.
How furious, how powerful this love has been. Still is, burning hot and deep within.
Mark shivers, and there’s an overwhelming need filling his insides to the brim, something that urges him to do anything to soothe Jack’s pain, anything to bring out that lovely smile he knows it’s there, waiting to take over his full, beautiful lips.
Mark feels all sorts of energies colliding against each other, charging the air around them with something unknown, making his skin tingle with goosebumps when Jack looks up at him through his tears.
He looks at Mark with so much yearning, the question that slips out of him feels like a declaration of love.
‘Mark…will you let me hold you, just once?’ Jack asks, and he looks so, so weak as he mumbles his request, voice small and scared and desperate in between his quivering breaths. ‘I know you’re not him, I just…I-I never thought I’d get to see…feel him again’ he explains, stuttering over his words, eyes pleading. ‘…please?’ He whispers brokenly, eyes wet.
It’s such a painful sight, Mark finds himself nodding his head almost instantly, scooting closer toward the shattered man, whose face looks so much like his lover’s, even as unforgiving darkness has dimmed the spark in those lovely, sharp eyes.
He can’t help but bite his lip in a futile attempt to hold back his own tears, heart clenching with a sorrow that isn’t his, but still utterly unbearable.
When the both of them are merely a few inches apart, Mark looks up at him openly.
His hand moves on its own as he slowly places it against Jack’s cheek. It tugs at his heart, when the man instinctively closes his eyes and leans into his touch, as if Mark were putting a momentary stop to his unrelenting agony.
Gently, Mark pulls him in, arms draping over wide shoulders. They feel familiar and foreign all the same, and Jack’s hands are careful, delicately grabbing his waist as if terrified of breaking it.
Mark’s hold becomes firmer as he tugs, encouraging Jack to hide his face in his neck.
The moment Jack does, he breathes in and his entire body slacks as he pulls Mark in completely, desperately hugging him in a tight embrace, a pained sob leaving him.
Mark secures his arms around him, holding Jack’s head, carding his fingers softly through the strands.
‘…Joke’ Jack exhales, breath itching. Mark feels Jack’s fingers tighten. ‘Oh God, my Joke’ He sobs uncontrollably, holding on for dear life, breathing in desperately as if trying to inhale him completely. ‘I miss you so, so much, my dear’ he whispers with a voice so tormented it makes the knife in Mark’s heart twist. He closes his eyes at the desolation that seeps through each and every single one of Jack’s sobs.
Mark holds him firmly, never letting go, swallowing Jack’s quivers as he shakes. He feels the burn of his own tears finally sliding down his cheeks. Jack’s pain wraps around his lungs, and it’s agonizing. It grips at him, painfully strong, as the man in his arms unravels completely, as if his bones were turning into dust, melting away in his grief as he cries for his lost love.
‘It’s okay’ he whispers, voice trembling, cradling Jack’s head against his chest. ‘It’s gonna be okay.’
♥
It takes a while for them to pull apart.
Jack’s tears have dried, leaving behind a dull ache in his eyes, hurting nowhere near as much as his chest.
They don’t move too far from each other, the idea of it nearly impossible to fathom. Jack’s heart quickens its pace when Mark’s face comes into view, eyes glimmering, cheeks painted pink. He looks at Jack unwaveringly, only inches apart from him.
Mark breathes, the air sweetly hitting Jack’s lips.
Just like that, Jack hears warning sirens of an imminent, invisible danger looming over the both of them.
At the thought of how much he’s missed this face, how much he’s missed to have him this close.
How much he’s missed kissing him.
The thought of how possible it is now makes Jack pull away, painfully self-aware of the implications, and how incredibly wrong it would be.
‘Mark’ Jack breathes, gently pushing him away by his shoulders. ‘I…I should leave.’
The words come out strained, as every single cell in his body protests at the idea of leaving his side. Of staying away from him, when he’d just gotten him back. His mind doesn’t seem to understand this isn’t the man Jack fell in love with.
His heart knows but his limbs are unresponsive.
‘Do you have to?’ Mark asks, earnest, eyes gleaming up at him.
God, he’s so, so beautiful. Jack hurts with the knowledge that he can’t have him. He has lost his dear. And this lovely, breathtaking reminder that’s left of him, sitting right before Jack—is nothing more than that.
A simple reminder of what Jack has lost, forever.
And no matter how much time passes, that will never change.
Jack sighs, pained, tenderly cupping Mark’s face.
‘If I stay, I’ll end up doing something I’d regret.’
His words are underlined with something unspoken, something neither of them are able to address, but still there, nonetheless. Jack can see it in those pretty orbs. Eyes that Jack somehow still recognizes, painfully so, that quickly fill with a yearning Jack is all too familiar with.
It’s terrifying.
With every ounce of his will power, he pulls his hand away, standing up from the couch.
Mark doesn’t move, doesn’t follow.
He simply stays there, looking back at him as Jack steps away.
The boy’s eyes glisten, visibly wanting to say something but ultimately staying quiet, watching as Jack, in a quick rush of self-restraint, turns towards the door, and leaves. He misses the single, stray tear that escapes Mark’s eye.
The soft click of the lock echoes in the room, almost ricocheting as the door closes.
Jack feels as if he’d just woken up from a dream, and doesn’t even register his feet as they carry him back to his room. Doesn’t remember even reaching it, or getting inside, or weakly falling down on the bed before sleep takes him out immediately.
He barely even sees all of that happening before his own eyes, as they are blurred with sorrowful, never-ending tears.
♥
The weight of his decision is too much.
Jack’s heart pulls at him, begs for him to indulge in something he knows he shouldn’t.
Joke is gone.
He’s gone, and he isn’t coming back.
But he’s been so close; his touch felt so, so heavenly even as Jack knew that beautiful boy holding him wasn’t his dear.
Jack spends the entirety of the next day locked in his room. Barely manages to eat whatever he orders just to have something in his stomach, just so he doesn’t pass out from hunger. The memory of Mark’s touch fills every single space in the chaos of his mind.
He thinks he might be going insane with grief. Jack doesn’t know how long he can keep is sanity intact. Not with the way his entire being screams at him to knock on Mark’s door once more, to look into his eyes, at the striking resemblance and his beautiful, breathtaking smile.
Jack misses his lover so, so much.
So much it’s impossible to breathe.
The urge to be close to Joke’s perfect twin is maddening, and his resolve is quickly fading so he does what he thinks is best.
He books the next available flight home. His returning ticket wouldn’t be due for another week but Jack simply cannot stay.
He needs to leave, because he won’t be able to stay away from Mark if he stays.
So, the next morning, he packs his bag and leaves the room, locking the door on his way out.
His feet carry him towards the stairs and then, they stop moving.
Jack swallows, glancing back towards the hall, towards the direction he knows Mark is. He can picture him, moving around his place. Can picture his big eyes, just like his lover’s. His smile, his full, beautiful lips.
He shakes his head, turning toward the stairs once again, but then his feet are carrying him in the opposite direction, unable to stop himself. The echo of his steps mocks him, as Jack already knew he’d be doing this the moment he stepped out of the room.
But it feels impossible to keep lying to himself.
When he turns around the last corner, Mark’s door comes into view.
The hallway is silent as Jack grips the strap of his bag, heart hammering inside his chest as he makes his way closer to it. He places the bag next to his feet, and lifts one arm, fist hovering over the smooth wooden surface, before halting completely.
His hand lingers in the air, as if an invisible force was pulling it in the opposite direction.
Something akin to guilt starts tangling up in his heart, even though he doesn’t know what causes it.
The thought of using Mark as a tool to soothe the pain of the loss of his love, sits uncomfortably on his gut, making him falter as he lowers his arm down again.
He can’t do this.
The overwhelming need to see Joke’s face again, even if through somebody that isn’t him, burns deep within.
But it would only make this even harder, Jack knows.
The moment he gathers enough strength to turn around, the door opens.
The euphoria Jack feels each time he looks at those eyes, never falters. It never did when he got to see those every single day, each time he’d woke up, each time he went on about his day, each time he went to sleep.
He was able to see them, stare at them for days on end, and after being deprived of them for so long, everything comes back rushing into him the moment they look back at him, again.
‘P’Jack’ Mark breathes, looking at Jack’s face for a moment before eyeing the bag laying on the floor. He licks his lips, slightly biting down on his lower one.
Jack follows the movement.
‘I–I just’ he stutters, brain suddenly failing him. ‘I was about to…’
‘Leave…’ Mark finishes for him, eyes unreadable as they scan all over Jack.
‘Yes’ he admits, clearing his throat. ‘I wanted to say goodbye.’
Mark looks up at him, hand gripping the edge of his door, before slowly nodding his head at him, gulping down. He smiles sadly, then, looking away.
‘I…I know this is going to sound wrong, but, I wish you didn’t have to’ Mark confesses, eyes becoming teary as he visibly tries to push back the tears. ‘I…I love my boyfriend. I love Vee with all my heart, and I think that’s exactly why I feel my heart breaking at the sight of you.’
The first few tears leave his eyes as he hastily wipes them away, lips pouting as he rambles on, visibly shaken up. ‘I don’t even care how insane this is, but you’ve planted this thought… the thought of us…the thought of Vee and I not making it through. Being separated like that… it kept me awake all night. I’m devastated with the simple possibility now that I’ve met you, because, as impossible as it sounds, I can feel your pain as if it were mine.’
He halts as a tiny sob escapes him, face twisting as more shiny tears dampen his perfect, soft skin.
Jack is powerless, can’t stop himself from reaching for him, gently cupping his face, coaxing him to look up.
And God, looking at him feels like pure, merciful relief, even as it drives the dagger deeper in Jack’s heart. He feels like he’ll come undone if he lets this continue, so Jack does his best to grasp at his useless resolve a bit tighter.
He smiles down at him, staring right into his eyes. He can’t help the rush of honesty slipping away from his lips.
‘Mark, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to move on from Joke’ he says, needing to get these words out, feeling as if speaking them out loud would somehow dissipate the cloud of sorrow surrounding them. ‘But this…the knowledge that there’s a version of us, here, a version of us that gets to be happy, is enough. It’s enough for me, to at least help me endure this. Even if just a little bit.’
Jack gently wipes Mark’s tears away, chest aching at the overwhelming need to soothe him. He doesn’t let go of him, even as Mark visibly calms down and unconsciously pulls at Jack to get closer, small hands closing at the hem of his jacket.
Jack swallows.
‘Do you think… do you think you’ll come back someday, P’Jack?’ Mark asks, finally finding Jack’s eyes again.
Jack swipes a thumb just below his eye, just like he’d done, countless of times.
He’s still so, so achingly beautiful.
He can feel his weak resolve breaking, bit by bit, starved out of his mind.
‘I don’t think that would be a good idea, Mark’ he admits, uselessly. He’s known he should go back home, and stay far, far away from this place, the moment he’d laid eyes on him. This…this is not Jack’s to have. He just can’t.
‘I don’t belong here’ He continues, softly running his hand down Mark’s arms. ‘You’re just… it’ll just tear me apart, Mark. To see you everyday, knowing what I’ve lost’ he says simply. ‘I think it’s best to convince myself this was just a dream’ Jack sighs, the truth in his words finally freeing his lungs from painful clutches.
The younger’s eyes water as he bites down on his lip to control his emotions. Jack catches his tears again with his thumb.
‘I’m so, so sorry, P’Jack’ he whispers sincerely, holding Jack’s hand against his cheek, closing his eyes.
Jack keeps wiping the stubborn tears away, relentless.
‘You know, Joke is…was older than me. So I never heard him call me that’ Jack says, voice soft and light, wanting nothing more but to stop Mark’s tears from flowing. ‘It sounds nice, actually’
It pulls out a watery giggle from Mark, and Jack takes it as a win.
He can’t help but stare at him, lovestruck. Knows he shouldn’t, but he indulges in this short little moment as much as he can before he needs to leave. Then he steps closer, shortening the distance between their faces.
Once. Just once.
‘You’re just as beautiful as he was.’ He breathes, dangerously close.
Mark’s cheek flush, avoiding his eyes shyly, biting his lower lip.
Jack’s gaze locks on it, and before he knows it, he gently pulls it free with a swipe of his thumb.
Mark’s breath itches slightly, almost imperceptibly.
Jack’s entire body vibrates, familiar tingles running all over him, the more he exists this close to him. This whole new version of the love of his life. A whole new person, but ultimately sharing the same essence Jack misses every single waking moment.
‘You do that a lot’ He murmurs, tracing the bitten lip softly with his thumb.
‘…do what?’ Mark whispers, head pliantly tilted upwards, lidded eyes gazing up at him in wonder. Jack shivers at the sight. He needs to go. Needs to leave right fucking now, or he’ll drown. But his body stays put, stubbornly glued right where it is.
‘Bite your lips…’ He answers, hand sliding to the side of Mark’s neck, just below his jaw, and gulps when Mark closes his eyes, inching closer.
‘Do I?’ Mark’s breath ghosts against Jack’s skin.
‘…yeah’ is all he says before leaning in, stealing a kiss from Mark’s awaiting lips.
Time stills for several seconds; the world stops and goes soundless in Jack’s ears, before spinning back full speed, sending shivers down Jack’s spine as Mark’s back meets the wall behind him, steading them.
Tears suddenly start sliding down Jack’s face, unstoppable, as their lips part and join again, ever so gently, slow and careful, as Mark pulls him in with a tight grip on his shirt.
The kiss is not deep. It isn’t desperate. It’s merely a soft, but urgent press of lips that begins and ends and begins again.
Everything in Jack hurts. The wrongfulness of it and how right it feels, at the same time. His heart pounds painfully against his chest at the knowledge this isn’t his love, this isn’t his dear, but a mere approximation to him and the wild rush of adrenaline he used to feel each time they kissed.
But God, he misses him so, so much, Jack feels weak all over and can’t stop. Eager to have it in any way he can, in any way this cruel universe has deemed possible, even if just for a short moment.
When they part, both breathing heavily, Jack feels his heart breaking into a million pieces all over again.
His tears are never-ending as he stares back into those lovely eyes again; eyes that look at him with so much sadness it becomes too much for Jack. So he leans their foreheads together, closing his eyes, letting his tears run free.
A desperate, futile attempt to bring back the feeling of it, of something that has always been theirs, something that has been ripped away from Jack in the cruelest, most vicious way.
Jack does not feel it.
He presses their foreheads together further, hands tightening around Mark’s sides, but Jack cannot find the relief he used to feel.
It isn’t there, completely, mercilessly gone.
Forever.
Jack lets out a soundless sob and loosens his grip on the boy in his arms.
He doesn’t think he’s ever felt this empty, before.
But at least, the heaviness is gone.
‘I’m…I’m sorry, Mark’ he whispers, desolate and lost.
He feels a soft hand cupping his cheek, wiping his tears away.
‘It’s alright’ he replies gently.
Jack steps back, his hold lingering for a moment before finally letting go. He aches all over, but something about the moment they just shared brought more clarity to his brain, more than he’s had for weeks.
‘Promise me something’ he says, picking up his bag from the floor and swinging it over his shoulder. Mark leans against his closed door, softly smiling at him. Jack breathes out heavily, before surprisingly returning the smile. ‘Make each other happy.’
Mark grins at him, eyes shining.
‘I promise, P’Jack.’
There's a ding coming from behind him, the elevator doors sliding open a few steps across the hall. Jack tightens his lips, looking back at Mark again.
The world seems to pull him forward, to make all the right decisions, as if laying them bare right before Jack's eyes for him to take them.
He does. He walks towards the lift and lets his eyes roam around that face, one last time, not taking his eyes away as the doors close, shielding Jack's view of him, for good.
And this may be of hardest things he’s ever had to do, close to what he felt when he watched Joke fall into the river and disappear forever.
Suddenly, Jack feels like he’s just lost him, all over again.
But he forces his feet to move when the doors open again, finally leading himself outside the building, and into the next cab he finds.
Jack had been telling the truth when he said he didn’t know if he’d move on.
He doesn’t think that’s possible.
The mere thought of it is utterly ridiculous, unfathomable.
Not with the way he burns inside, still.
Leaning back into his seat, he closes his eyes, somehow excited to go back home. Somehow, less burdened.
His heart tells him their story isn’t done, even if Joke is not a part of it, not anymore. Jack knows a small part of him will keep on waiting, for what, he doesn’t know. Maybe for a miracle. Maybe for somebody to tell him they’d found his body. Maybe simply for his own death finally granting him relief.
Either way, each and every path will lead Jack back to him.
To reunite with his dear, once and for all, and this time, forever.
♥ Fin ♥