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Imagine you just get emancipated, you're finally free from the horrors of home and even if you're a little young you have a bright future ahead of you!
And then, a searing pain overcomes you, and these two little things split off from each side of you.
At first, you think they're angels. Then, you think they're demons.
They don't seem much for conversation and they immediately try to leave, but you don't want them to; something within you tells you not to let them go.
After about half an hour of stress, you get a snack and suddenly they love you. They're swarming you, nuzzling you, pressing their faces up against your belly almost like they're an oversized kitty.
You start to grow attached to them. You find out they like to talk through whining and squeaking, which just only adds to their cuteness.
After a few months, you start to love them. They're pretty stupid, but definitely entertaining. You've become hungrier, way, way, far far hungrier, but it's ok. Maybe it's just stress from all this new stuff.
Your family is nervous at first but they quickly become apart of it; and you're quickly reaccepted after you had thought they hated you for leaving. Checks are coming in the mail and things are looking good; an aura of grimness still lingers but hey, that's life. At least for you.
One day, you go downstairs and they greet you. With mouths. With words .
They know your name, and they seem just as full as love as ever, even though you're certainly taken aback.
You learn that you can enroll them in-school, and can't help but think about yours and their future. Will you all have kids someday? Will you all grow old together? Will you all become famous, and on the news?
You don't know, but you love this new life.
It's… hard, sometimes. But you love this new life.
Some bad things happen. One of your (newly-named) ids can't catch a break. His cousin tries to kill him, he gets lost for an entire night, he's traumatised while saving his brother, he's treated poorly at school. The other one is taken advantage of by your cousin for long weeks, and you were horrified to know.
It's ok. You're strong. They're strong.
You're going to get through this.
They become adults faster than you do. Something's not right about them compared to you, but that's ok. You love them. They're your family.
You'd give anything for them.
Something goes wrong for you in the coming years.
One day, you're them. The process and transition is slow, but you slip into an adjacent form with one almost-casualty to one of your babies.
You won't let that happen again.
You are admittedly cruel at times. You've done borderline torture when you've gotten mad.
But it's ok. You're strong.
You watch them grow old with you. One works with conserving sharks. One becomes an art therapist.
You live the eventful but quiet life you've always wanted to live.
It's ok, everything worked out.
You love your life. You love your ids. You love the family you've made with them.
You become a grandhost one day. You own a good house. Your ids love you, you love them.
Everything is good.
Your final moments are in-bliss. Everything is good. Everything was good.
It's time to go to Heaven now.
You wake up.
You just got emancipated again.
Everything's the same as the start.
Is this Heaven? Is this a trick? Very funny, God. Hilarious, angels. You're all very much so jokesters.
The pain revives and your ids come off of you again like torn limbs. You look at them, and they look at you; then, they turn to leave.
Is this what Heaven is? Meeting your ids for the first time again?
You're confused, but you love your ids. You'd do anything for them, so you grab a snack and they fall in-love with you again.
Your life doesn't change much. It's… odd. Was everything a dream?
You go about the way things were. You try to fix any mistakes you've made in the past, and life seems just a bit better this time.
You beat up your cousin when you're given the chance. They hit the ground, and you get sent to prison for a while. Goodness, though, it felt good.
The long months pass and you see your ids again. They don't know what happened, which is good.
You love your ids. You love your life.
Everything happens the same. You grow up, and they do good things.
It's a bit hard sometimes, but everything is good.
Your family's a little scared of you. What are you supposed to tell them? Ask them if they're angels, cosplaying as your family?
But maybe Heaven all along was your perfect life. Maybe that's what this all was.
Your final moments come. You close your eyes.
Maybe, just maybe, Heaven is coming for you now.
You wake up.
You just got emancipated again.
This is weird. This is odd. This is strange. This is unusual.
You phrase it many times in your head, but it never seems to come out correctly.
Your ids shed like lost clothes. You're starting to get used to that.
They look at you expectantly. What do they want? Aren't they supposed to scatter, and go for the door?
You pick up an orange, peel it, and they watch. You take a few bites, and they snuggle up to you.
What's happening?
Is this Heaven?
You try to iron out even more mistakes in this life.
It's a bit awkward talking to the people you've seen die already. What are you supposed to tell them? That you've seen them die?
Watching your ids go to school for the first time begins to lose its spark. It's starting to no-longer feel special.
You kneel in your room, think to yourself, and pray to God:
Dear God.
Is this Heaven? This doesn't feel like Heaven.
I'm sorry if I did anything to deserve this. I know I shouldn't have strangled Heart. I know I shouldn't have been so hard on Mind.
Please, I beg of you. Let me go to Heaven. The real Heaven. I'm getting tired.
Your life runs its course. Everything feels wrong now. Too the same. Too similar.
Eventually, your "final" moments reach.
You wake up.
Well, what do you know it.
You've stopped becoming an id. You've started beginning as one.
The ids fall off of you. You don't even look at them as you take a bite of your orange.
Your fourth life.
Everything starts to blend together.
You wonder. What would happen if I never called my aunt back when she asked if I needed help unloading items?
So you don't.
You struggle to do it on your own. The stupids aren't smart enough to figure out how to load things.
You take a break to sleep. Overnight, half of all of your possessions are taken.
You're devastated. This included your documents.
Who would even take those? They have no monetary possession.
The coming months are hard. Very, very hard. Very, very gruelling.
Eventually, you lose the house.
Goodness… dang it.
You end up on the streets, and your ids are scared and confused.
They're only babies, too. They don't understand what's going on.
You huddle them close, and promise you'll do better next time.
They tilt their heads at you.
You don't wake up.
You wake up.
Is this Hell?
You don't know what's going on any more.
Your ids are here. They look at you, you scarf down the orange and be on your way.
You wanna make things interesting.
You're getting bored.
You make big changes in your fifth life.
You yell at people you've always wanted to yell at. You gamble away a lot of possessions. You make daring flights to travel the world.
Your ids are a little afraid of you. But that's okay. They don't understand.
It's ok. They don't understand.
Your life passes by like nothing. Your transition to the next starts.
You wake up.
And you wake up.
And you wake up.
And you wake. Up.
You're in the fortieth loop.
A dark thought crosses your mind while you're cuddling with your ids one night.
They're both adults, home from college. Heart wanted to be a physicist this loop. Mind wanted to be a commercial diver.
You know they won't remember the next loop.
You just want to see what would happen.
They won't remember, you tell yourself.
You tell them you wanna show them something. An "{early birthday surprise}". It's ok, they won't remember.
"(But our spawnday's three months away…)"
"{It's okay,}" You smile. You want to see what will happen.
You lead them to the basement. Metal seems to weave into the shape that you want it to. Weird things have been happening around you since the thirteenth loop.
Or was it the nineteenth? The twenty-sixth? The thirty-eighth?
Why should you even care?
You guide them to the boards and restrain them.
Your fingers touch and grasp a steel blade. They look at you. They look unsure.
Soon, they look nervous.
Not long after, their faces wield horror.
You hadn't heard their screams.
No one did.
You wanted to see what would happen.
You wake up.
Your ids appear.
You look at them, routinely grabbing the orange before they run.
The poor things are trembling.
You look startled, confused, and you book it over, attempting to embrace them.
But they shove you off.
They throw the door open and run into the street. Damn it, they seem to remember that.
Those things get smarter each loop as babies.
You bolt after them, calling their name but you don't sound serious. You don't sound concerned.
But, by goodness, you are.
What if they hate you forever? What if they never love you again? Cluck, what have you done…
Hours pass and the loop resets. They must've gotten hit by a car.
You try again. You speak gently, softly. Your voice like the warmest bubble bath.
You take their little paws into your hands. Damn, their little hands are so cute when they're babies…
They look at you, large-eyed, before they calm down.
You tell yourself that you will spoil them rotten this loop.
You give them the best life you could ever imagine. They live in New York City, never worked a day in their lives.
Eat out at expensive restaurants for every meal they eat.
How did you get the money? Heh. They won't remember.
They live a good life. They don't become much less childish, and they're rather snobby at times, but it's ok. You fixed it. You fixed this.
You're ready to go to the next loop.
You wake up.
Alright, let's try something new.
It's somewhere around the two-hundredth loop.
You're beginning to lose yourself.
Who are you? What is happening?
It hits you while you're drinking some cheap beer at a bad pub.
This has been going on for, who knows how long now?
Will it ever stop?
You get an idea.
Maybe things would be normal if you were one . The loops start when they pop out of you, so surely they'll stop if they don't ever.
It's foolproof.
For hundreds of loops onwards, that's exactly what you do.
You become a devious thug. You don't care anymore.
You will become Whole.
One day, while you're racing home from a convenience store, the cashier looks at you.
"Sir, you forgot to pay for the duct tape."
You smile. Grin, even. Just the same words anyway.
"{Listen here.}" You beam. "{I have lived this life for thousands, perhaps tens of so, dying and reliving the same mundane existence. I've taken over the world. I've commit genocides. I've murdered millions. No one remembers a damn thing. And I can assure you, you've lived every minute of it, too. You don't remember a single fragment of those days where I certainly ruined your life. I didn't even know who you were. So you better bet your damned arse I don't care that I forgot to pay for that fucking duct tape. You won't care when you witness your parents die for the five-hundredth time.}"
Poor thing looks horrified. He watches you smile and leave.
There you go.
It's ok.
He won't remember it anyway.
Six-hundred fifty-eighth loop.
That's your estimate, at least.
You've become "Whole" a number of times. You know it's possible.
Not that you care anymore. You don't even try every loop because it doesn't fucking work .
You've done some insane things in this prison you're locked in. You feel your soul contort and jerk more within your body with every passing loop.
You don't feel human.
What are you?
You look at the little baby ids on the floor. They're colouring in a little colouring book. They look happy. Do they even know?
Do they even fucking know?
You start to think something you try not to think with just a little more thought than before.
What if it's their fault?
What if they're demons?
What if they don't know it, but they're what's causing this?
Fuck, what if they do know it? What if they've been playing me for a fool, just because they wanna see what happens?
What if they do remember everything? What if they remember every goddamn second ?
They reacted so poorly to being tortured. What if their personas slipped?
They sometimes reference previous loops. What if that's because their facade is slipping?
You wait until they're adults. It takes years. It feels like minutes.
You lure them to your basement. You hear their screams this time.
They hurt more than you thought they would.
They beg. They plead. They sob, and they grovel.
You can't bring yourself to let them die in those manacles this time.
You let them go, and you hug them. They hug you back.
You don't think they love you anymore. You think they just need something to hug.
You say you're sorry. But do you really mean it? You can't even explain to them why you're sorry.
God fucking damn it. You love them. You don't care anymore, you need them.
They don't understand. They're just kids. They never fucking understood.
You promise them that they will be the happiest little things for the rest of their life. You make true on that.
You get straight to spoiling them.
Seven-hundred twenty-sixth loop.
You've given up.
Why should you even care anymore? Why would you ever care?
You've said that to yourself so many times that it just sounds like ambience in your skull.
Everything does. The world around you feels like NPCs.
All but your ids.
You don't want to become Whole. Partly because you know it won't work, but partly because you'd hate to see your ids go.
You'd hate to see them return to your brain, as cogs in your body than kids that you raise.
You remember the first loop. You remember that perfect, perfect life.
It wasn't perfect.
God, it was so fucked up.
You were a twelve-year-old with a house. You weren't even a teen and you were raising two supernatural children.
Nothing about your life has ever been normal.
You can finally accept that.
You can finally accept that you'll never be "Whole".
That you'll never be "normal".
This is what you're made for. You aren't worth it.
You jump realities. Noclip out of space. You might as well be superhuman with how much your body's twisted.
You teleport into space, forcing your body through the cosmos.
You've never done this before. How? This is so fun!
Hah, it doesn't feel real. Hah, hah hah.
None of this feels real.
Am I dreaming? Are you out there, God?
Am I still a kid?
Am I still nine, picking up fallen teeth with broken bones after I made my parents mad?
Am I spending another Australian summer at the farm? Picking up eggs and riding horsies?
Is mummy still out there? Is daddy? Do they even remember who I am?
Do I even remember who I am?
Look at that, it's the Sun. It feels like it could've exploded by now.
I'm here, in space. Floating absently. I should be dead.
I should've died sixty-thousand years ago.
Hah. Hah hah.
This isn't real.
This isn't real.
This isn't real.
Mummy, daddy.
I just want to be tucked in again and told it was all a bad dream.
There's a spaceship.