Chapter Text
HOWARD POV:
Howard Moon may have fallen in love. This was troubling for him as he had never loved someone who loved him back. It was uncanny. It felt unreal. Not too long ago he was ready to give up on love altogether and just accept his fate of eternal loneliness. That was until he had several sexual experiences that gave him hope. Maybe love was written in the stars for him after all.
Maybe.
It was still all too much for Howard to process. He needed a good week or so to really think about it. Luckily he was currently by himself running the shop. Alone with his thoughts.
Naboo came downstairs and looked at Howard, then the rest of the shop. "Where's Vince?" He asked.
Howard shrugged. "He just said he was going out, didn't say where exactly. He asked me to cover his shift for him."
"You can't cover his shift, Howard. You have your own shift to do right now."
"Well I can just take on both shifts at once and you can pay me double, yeah?"
Naboo shook his head. "Have you sold anything yet?"
"The night's still young, Naboo. Give it time. Patience is the key to any successful business."
"Yeah I've been 'patient' for 2 and a half years and you've barely sold anything."
"Hey, at least I’m here, aren’t I? Not off partying or getting chased by monkeys or whatever Vince is up to now.”
“He didn’t say where he was going?”
“Does he ever?”
“I should probably ring him and tell him to stop by the store on the way back. You need anything?”
“I’m fine, thanks.”
“Running low on jonnies?”
“Naboo!“
“Look, I don’t mind you two shagging in my flat every other night as long as you clean up after yourselves. And keep the noise down for god’s sake.”
Howard blushed.
“I-I was drunk, okay? It won’t happen again.”
Naboo sighed. “Sure it won’t. I’ll tell him to pick some up on the way home.”
“Naboo!” Howard yelped. “Don’t…don’t do that.”
Naboo stopped and narrowed his eyes at Howard suspiciously.
“What’s up with you?”
Howard tensed up as Naboo stared at him. He didn’t quite know how to feel about Naboo knowing about his…love making. Did he also know about his sexual partner? How much did he know? Did he know about Howard’s newfound gayness? Or maybe he could sense it. He just remembered that Vince and Fossil would call Naboo a psychic back at the zooniverse. Could he really read minds? Howard panicked. Was he reading his mind right now? He had to clear his mind of any pornographic gay thoughts. Somehow trying to dispel pornographic gay thoughts ended up backfiring and now he was thinking pornographic gay thoughts and oh sweet Jesus, Naboo was reading all this wasn’t he? Howard's face flushed and he started sweating.
"What the hell." Naboo said, furrowing his brows.
"It's not what you think!" Howard exclaimed. He quickly tried to think of something else. Something chaste and safe to calm him down. Like jazz music! Yes, he loved jazz music. No, not jazz music, bad idea. Now the jazz music was playing seductively over the pornographic gay thoughts and he started sweating even more.
"The hell is going on?" Naboo asked.
Howard laughed nervously. "Trust me, this is not... This is not normal. I don't usually think about gay sex, it's just a one-time thing. But also it's not something I'd be ashamed about anyway. I'm a pretty open guy, Howard Moon, proud gay man, yes sir."
Naboo just stared at him, and Howard realized he probably just came out to him in the sloppiest, most embarrassing way possible. "Where did that come from? Also why are you just now mentioning this? You and Vince have been making gay sex jokes nonstop since I met you."
They have?
"Oh, well." It suddenly occurred to him that maybe Naboo wasn't actually reading his mind and now he was just sort of stuck here making a fool of himself. He shrugged awkwardly and forced a normal relaxed expression on his face.
Naboo frowned. "Are you having a sexuality crisis or something?"
Of course he wasn't! Howard Moon was fully confident in his sexuality, thank you very much.
He looked away and scratched his neck. He was just a tad embarrassed by how he ended up coming out to Naboo. He hoped he would be able to casually pepper in his newfound sexuality to his friends in the most nonchalant way possible, like what he did with Vince at the party. Something like, "Oh by the way I'm seeing someone. His name's so-and-so. Yes sir, you heard me right. He is a man, and what about it? You know me, I'm Howard Moon, I do as I like. When I fancy someone I go for it. Gender isn't a barrier for me, I just barrel right through it. I won't be confined by the heteronormativity of society, no sir." They call him the gayist maverick.
"...Okaaay…" Naboo said eventually. "Well if you ever wanna talk about it, I'm thinking about reopening shaman therapy sessions."
Howard opened his mouth to protest but then stopped to think about it. It wasn't a bad idea actually. He did a few sessions with Naboo back in the Zooniverse and they worked out fairly well (for the next few hours. Then things went downhill fast). He did desperately need some advice right now regarding his newfound romance.
"Um, okay." He agreed. "I suppose if you're offering? When do we start?"
"Let's just do one now while Vince is out." Naboo motioned with his head and Howard followed him to his room.
"What about the shop?"
Naboo ignored him.
"Oh, okay then. Suddenly the shop doesn't matter."
"Do you want a therapy session or not?"
Howard raised his hands defensively. "Alright, easy. I was just saying..."
"Sit down here."
Howard sat on the corner of Naboo's bed as instructed.
“Now,” Naboo started, turning to face Howard. Howard shifted uncomfortably and looked away. “Clearly something’s going on, involving your sex life, which you seem to have some insecurities about. Let’s start at the beginning.”
———
A good 40 minutes later…
———
"So let me get this straight…" Naboo started, taking another puff from his joint. "You're getting old-"
"I'm not that old."
"-so you want to hurry up and settle down, but you’re having trouble because you have bad luck with romance."
"I've had bad luck with women ." Howard corrected. "So I thought about going gay because I'll probably have better luck with men. I tend to attract quite a lot of men if I do say so myself."
Naboo grimaced.
"Right, so what's the problem then?"
"Well, see the thing is…" Howard stared at the wall, "I've never actually dated anyone before. I don't know how to go about doing that, actually. Would you happen to have any, you know, tips or advice? I don't know what you do…but um…"
"Not that it's any of your business, but I don't date, or have any interest in dating. So I can't give you any advice based on personal experience."
"Oh."
“All I can say is that communication is key so if you’re unsure about something, just ask Vince.”
“Why would I ask Vince?”
Naboo blinked. “Because…? Hold on. You…wait a second…are you trying to date someone or are you still looking for someone?”
“Oh no, I’ve found someone. I just don’t know how to go about dating him, you see. To be honest I’m still a little conflicted if I should date him at all.”
“And it’s not Vince?”
Howard’s face flushed and he laughed awkwardly.
“Haha, no. No, Vince is not…no. It’s actually…um…” he scratched the back of his neck and stared down at the bedsheets. "See...I was thinking... maybe Old Gregg?"
Naboo's mouth dropped open.
"I know what you're thinking, and I know he's a bit pathetic and not my usual type. But he keeps coming back for me so I thought I'd at least give him a chance. I mean, we made love twice already. Might as well start making it official, yeah?"
"I don't recommend that." Naboo said, shaking his head, "He's a sea monster, remember? And he's violent. You should just go to a gay bar or something and meet someone there."
"I tried that. Didn't quite work out the way I wanted it to. All the fine, intellectual men I fancied completely ignored me. I did happen to attract the attention of quite a few men but they were all creepy old-timers."
"Okay, well I'm sure there are other options. You shouldn't date Old Gregg just because- wait- did you say you made love to him twice?"
Howard nodded sheepishly.
"Why?"
"Well in my defense, I didn't know it was him when I took him up to my room. It was at my birthday party and he was in disguise as that girl, the pencil case girl. When we got to my room he revealed himself and at that point…I dunno, I was just so tired and humiliated after you tricked me into admitting I was a virgin in front of everybody! I was ready to finally make love to a pretty girl and lose my virginity once and for all. I didn't care, honestly. I was in the mood so I went through with it. And while it was certainly an…interesting experience, I don't regret it. I must say I'm somewhat proud of myself for losing my virginity, and on my birthday no less."
"Oh."
"And then he just sorta kept coming back. One time I was in the green room of the Velvet Onion singing Isolation when Greggory came in."
"How did he get into the green room of the Velvet Onion?"
"Oh, I don't know. It's not really important." Naboo didn't need to know about the security guard that Old Gregg killed to get in. He also didn't feel it was necessary to mention the severed finger Gregg had brought him as a gift.
"And then one time he snuck into my bedroom late at night and, er, slept on my shadow."
Naboo stared at him.
"Quite romantic actually." Howard said.
"No, that's stalker behavior."
"He found me at a night club the next day. I was pretty drunk, I must admit. We danced a bit and then…yeah that's it, that's all."
Naboo looked disgusted.
"And then there was that time during the afterparty. You probably don't remember that but you all left me alone to roam the streets of London, the moon my only friend. Except he said he didn't want to hang out with me and then called me a ballbag."
"You are a ballbag, Howard."
"Anyways, I received a sudden visit from Bainbridge who had delivered a large mysterious package." He paused for a minute and wondered if he should mention how he awkwardly attempted to ask Bainbridge out to dinner only to be immediately laughed at and rejected…somewhat. "After he left I wondered if there was anyone out there who could ever love me and lo and behold-"
"Old Gregg popped out of the box?"
"Yes. Yes, he apparently shipped himself to me. We sorta hit it off after that. I was definitely drunk, I will say. Then we shared a passionate kiss in the moonlight and I took him home in my wheelbarrow to make sweet love."
Naboo sighed and shook his head, then suddenly shot Howard a horrified look.
"Wait so that was Old Gregg you've been shagging in your room?!"
Howard blushed, still embarrassed that Naboo knew about that. "Yes." He muttered quietly.
Naboo wrinkled his nose in disgust. "Ugh, I take back what I said about you doing it. I hereby forbid you two from having sex in my flat."
“It most likely won’t happen again.” Howard said. “We’ll just go on classic romantic dates. No sex.”
“Howard, you idiot, don’t date Old Gregg.” Naboo said tiredly.
Howard wanted to argue back but couldn’t think of anything to say. He should’ve known talking to Naboo about this was a bad idea. He clearly didn’t know anything about love. He didn’t understand that love is a powerful force that can make people do crazy things. Howard may not have much experience with love, but from what he gathered from music, books and avant-garde cinema, love was messy and complicated. And for a man as unfortunate as he, it shouldn’t surprise him to find love in the strangest places. Old Gregg may have his flaws, but so did Howard. It would be cruel and hypocritical to reject him after he tried so hard to give him his love.
If there was one thing Howard understood, it was the pain of rejection, especially by someone you desperately love. He had to give Old Gregg a chance.
He decided not to mention this to Naboo.
After a long while of staring off into space, Naboo finally spoke.
"Alright well I think that'll conclude our session for today. That'll be 168 euros."