Archive of Our Own

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They’re having coffee. At some downtown place. He doesn’t know what it's called. It reminds him of another place, from another time.

A different time. 

Apparently it’s her favorite. They have been seeing each other for a while now. He knows she wants more from him. But he can’t. He just can’t. Commit.

This is the day she will ask him. He has known for a while that it probably would be coming. But he still isn’t prepared. At all. 

'Who is it then? The one, you are hiding in your heart? Who has taken their residence there and are they ever going to leave?

They must have meant so much to you.'

But. But what can he say? 
He starts to explain. He hears himself,  how fake and untrue it sounds. How inadequate. But it is the best he can do. The best. For now.  
Without feeling pierced, shattered into tiny aching pieces. Omitting it is.

'No, not really. It was a short and passionate affair. A whirlwind. It can’t have been love. 

It was such a short amount of time and we were young, so young. We were, we just were.

So, a crush I guess… maybe. Maybe not. I don’t know. '

He downplays it, so hard. He knows he does. But it’s a broken piece of him. He hasn’t thought of it for a long time. And…

He just can’t. He will lose himself there and then. He just can’t. It hurts too much. It still hurts…so unfathomable much.

Sometimes he wonders if it will ever stop. This ache. This stupid ache. It will probably hurt forever. Why can’t it just…

Stop.

She looks at him. Knowingly. Not knowing at all. Just the same. He feels more than he sees how her eyes study him. 

He feels how they are burning a hole on the side of his head. He wonders what she finds there.

'That sounds like something to me. Something akin to love. Anyway, it must have been a hell of a ride, if they still haunt you.

I see it in you, every time we are together, that you aren’t entirely there, with me.

If you didn’t love them, why can’t you let them go?'

She doesn’t understand. Of course she doesn’t. But. How would she? 

When he doesn’t really understand himself.

He has tried for several years to move on and he just can’t. He just can’t. It won’t stop. The ache.

Even in his head he starts to sound like a repeating track already. Maybe he just should take the fall. Just let go.

All the pent up feelings. Bursting. Yeah. Time to come clean.

Yeah. You’re right. It was something. Akin to Love. Yes, I was in love. It was so much more than a crush. He was everything.

And we got too little time, me and him. But. Still. It was fast. 

The whole falling in love business I mean. The circumstances were special too. 

We met at a party. In college. Of course I knew of him. From before that encounter.

He was the brother of my little sister’s girlfriend. We moved in the same circles.

But we had never talked. Not really. Not until that party, anyway.

He wasn’t really a partygoer, as it was. 

As for me, I was dragged there, somewhat against my will. Haha. I had an exam in a few days, and wanted to study.

But Cait she, she wouldn’t have that. 

And I quote “ you need to live a little, to leave the library for a while and just dance the night away”. 

So yeah, there I was. A bit like a fish out of water. I was quite a studious kid. I loved to learn new things, science stuff fascinated me and I lived for helping people. 

Building them stuff to help them in their life, stuff like that. At that time I was soon to be an undergraduate in mechanical engineering. 

Anyway. Most of the time I was rather awkward though, especially in larger bodies of people.  So I felt a bit lost. 

Cait had left me some time earlier to go look for her girlfriend. 

And I felt stupid and like what business did I truly have at a house party in the middle of the week? 

But then. There he was. Leaning against the wall.  Looking utterly bored. But still. He was something else. I could feel it. Something. Different.  

I didn’t know how or even why I should approach him. You know. I was at loss. How to.

But I felt drawn to him. Not in a weird way. Just. He stood out. That’s all I’m saying.

He’s rambling. He knows it. That doesn't mean he can stop.

So yeah.

We didn’t hit it off directly. It was a slow thing. In the beginning. I guess I chatted him up somehow and we just found common ground.

A shared interest. For science. I had found someone that finally understood me.

And we somehow got caught in each other’s orbit. There against a wall, at a house party neither of us felt that we belonged at. It was like a mutual agreement. We were drunk on each other’s minds. Already then, we saw the potential. 

He was funny, witty and had a kind of deadpan humor. Striking. 

And so we talked all night throughout. Until early the next morning.

That was how it was with him. And me. We could lose hours. Together. Talking.

And later on, working. 

It also turned out he was a TA to one of the professors, Cecil B. Heimerdinger.

A matter I wasn’t made aware of until a few months later,

when I took a credit class about - biomedical engineering and found him waiting in front of the blackboard instead of the professor. 

He didn’t give me the time of my life during that class. So no special treatment with other words if anything he could be downright harsh.

But never for long. Just during the duration of the class. Afterwards his demeanor always morphed back, to just him. Not the TA.

Anyway the whole situation - trust me - gave another dimension to our newly found bond.  It was a weird experience. 

But. Ah. Yes. Anyway. He was a graduate. Apart from his duties as a TA he also did research on the side, specializing in cybernetic engineering. 

He guesses that bit of information may have gone over her head.

If people are not familiar with a subject, it is often perceived as pure Greek to them. 

You see, he was disabled and had chronic pain. Walked with a cane and all.

I first thought he had had polio as a child, because of his leg,

but that wasn't it.

He was born with the condition - of a crooked spine, which in turn made his right leg twisted. 

He so wanted to fix himself, those broken parts as he saw them. His flaws.

Hence his research into cybernetic augmentation. There was more to it. Of course there was.

But I didn’t get to know that until later. Much later. Almost too late.

Oh. His theories were really intriguing and drew me in like nothing else had done before.

He was truly passionate about his research and it kinda rubbed off on me.

His mind was exceptional. And... that was probably why I was so absorbed by him and his research, to begin with. That and his witty humor.

Anyway I wanted to help him. With his theories and my engineering, we could reach new heights. A perfect fit. A perfect team. 

Like I said, all that potential.

He needs to stop there. Other memories come barreling in. Unforbidden. The hard ones. He stops his rambling.

She watches him again. Curiously. Not concerned. Not yet. But she will. She will be.

But that bastard knew he was ill, even then. Worse. Not enough time. He craved the legacy. More time. More than he had.

He didn’t have time on his side. He never had had it. It had always been on course to run out, too early.

And then there was me. Crashing into his orbit. An equation he wasn't prepared for. Something different. 

Something that smoothed out his edges. That was me. He said as much. Way later on in our acquaintances.

He is still rambling. He hasn’t spoken about this for so long. But at the same time, it feels like it all just happened yesterday.

All the memories just resurfacing, pokes him where it hurts the most… wanting to be told…. spilling out of his heart, out of his mouth, out in the open. 

He can almost hear him. His voice. Calling out. The timbre. The lilt he had. Because of his accent. No, he shouldn't. Not open that box.

He should just. Tell the story. Without reminiscing too much. Too deep. Should just...

Anyway, we met. We connected. A give and a take. A whirlwind dance. We decided to meet up again. After the party. To look at his research mainly.

After that meeting, we kinda started to hang out more. We talked about our theories. About our 'new-found-working-together-situation'. 

Apart from the period of time when he was my teacher,  we kinda moved around in each other's pockets.

We just worked. On so many levels. We went from acquaintances, to working partners, to tentative friends, to something close to best friends.

But it was such a quick development. It felt like it was just a matter of time before something came crashing down.  

Everything was too good. Too good to be true. In a way that even the universe knew. What was to come. So it quicken up the process.

Anyhow, during this time, people around us never found one without the other. It was like that. We were always together, doing our thing. It was intense. 

I guess he was intense. Focused. And I was drawn right in. Into his orbit. I was in awe. More or less. He was an enigma and I was so delighted to have met him.

I had never...I… I didn't recognize the signs for what they were. Honestly.  But it was here during these first intense months that I began to succumb,

I mean, to fall in love  - if that's what you wanna call it.  But I didn't realize it for what it was. I had never been in love.

I had had crushes. On girls. But me and him, we were two guys hanging out ... intense friends whatever...so I never made the connection that I probably was in love with him. Then.

The actual realization came later. Hit me right behind the ribs. But then it was so clear. How I ever thought something else was going on, is beyond me.

He pauses.

'Maybe we should…Do you want something to eat? More to drink?'

'No. I'm good. For now.

'Please, continue.'

She humors him. But then again, he isn't sure if he could have stopped now. Even if he had wanted to.

The box is open. The worms are crawling out. Faster. He drowns in them. The memories are overwhelming.  But.

He still wants to tell the story right. It deserves to be told, just as it was.

-

He had always been thin. Small bone structure. The condition with his spine made him slouch more often than not

and the pain in his leg didn't help, even in a brace it contributed to his declining posture.

Just talking about him, detached, clinically. As somebody he once saw on a tv documentary, doesn't sit well inside his heart.

But he doesn't know how to cope otherwise. He can feel tears laying in wait, hiding just behind his lids.

But yeah, his appearance changed during the two years we were working together. I guess I was too smitten by then to really pay attention.

I mean still, that was all I did, watching him, but sometimes you can watch without seeing. You don't see things, not right away.

It's the smallest things. Hard to notice at first. But they keep on adding up. Until you notice. 

Until I noticed. Something…something was going on. Something wasn't right.

He closes his eyes. The memories just assault him. He can’t keep them at bay anymore. He sighs and just lets them swallow him. Whole.

-

He remembers his sunken cheeks, his hallowed and haggard look. The darkness under his eyes.

The glassy look in those eyes. And it was like he saw him. Really saw him. For the first time. In, in months.

That morning.

 -//-

It had been a normal day, the day before. Jayce had just come by the workshop for a short visit before he was due to have a coffee-date with Cait and Vi.
It was a weekly occurrence, the coffee, and he was just about to drop off some parts that Viktor had inquired about. Mostly scrap metal from his family’s forge.

Two years in and their connection was stronger than ever.

Viktor had been chatting away while tinkering on his latest prototype. At least by Viktor’s standards.

He never was a chatty type but when it came to his research, not many things could make him shut up.

Except maybe Jayce.

And not even in a funny way. But when Jayce spoke to him he listened. Always.

Even when he was knee-deep into an explanation about how this new prototype would work with a different frame than the last one

which made it better, safer for what he had in mind.

'Sounds like you’re onto something there V.

Did you look at the equation I left on the blackboard? Anyway, I put the materials over at my desk.

There were quite a few of them smaller parts that you asked for. I even found a, ah you'll see.'

'Ah well, I really need to leave now so I’m not  late for my coffee-date with the girls.'

'Eh. Will you come back here after your weekly gossip session?

I have something to show you.

I think… I’m quite certain… You’ll like it.'

'Wha.. It’s not a gossip session. You know that.'

'Whatever you say Jayce. Whatever you say.'

He smiled smugly. He knew just as well as Jayce did, that it totally was just that.

There never were two bigger gossips than Cait and Vi, especially Vi. She lived for the drama. Cait wasn’t far behind though.

They were such a great couple. Truly made for each other. Scarily so.

'I’m off then. See you later. And Viktor? Please take a break now and then. You know what happened last week…'

'Yes yes. Off you go. You don’t need to worry. I’ll eat. See you.'

-

He never got to find out what Viktor was gonna show him. That day. He never went by the workshop again.

The coffee-date was drawn out and then he kinda was roped into helping Vi’s little sister Powder and her boyfriend Ekko with their new science-project.

Powder was Viktor’s sister as well and he usually helped her. But Vi was pretty persuasive sometimes and now Jayce was here. But.

Why they ever needed his help was beyond him. They were two young and  so utterly brilliant inventors that Jayce just felt like he was in the way when they chatted about and showed off their project. 

The day went by quickly and even if he didn’t contribute much to their project, he was truly impressed and enthusiastic about it.

He lost himself in the back and forth between Ekko and Powder, while they argued over which kind of fuel would work the best.

When he at last left them, with their backs turned away from him with their heads close together over the workbench — engrossed with the hoover-board prototype they were making,  he wasn’t aware he had forgotten something.

He had forgotten his promise to Viktor. So instead of going back to the workshop, he went directly home. To sleep.

...

Why on Runterra? Why didn't he go to Viktor?

...//...

'Hey, Jayce?'

It 's like he's waking up. From a deep sleep. Or a very vivid dream. A memory.

In the present, he's sitting on a chair.

He's in a coffee shop. Downtown.

In front of him is Ciara. His kind of girlfriend. Maybe. Date.

'I lost you there, for a while.

Where were you?'

'Viktor.'

'Viktor?'

'Yeah. His name was Viktor.'

… 

Like I said. One morning. Two years down the road. I came in earlier to our shared workshop and found him where I always found him during these later days.
Slouched over his workbench. Sleeping. Or at least, that was what I thought. That he was. Sleeping. But. Bu…

He feels the tears coming. Hot. Down his cheeks. He lets them. He takes a deep breath. Continuing.

[ V? Viktor…? No no no. ( This cannot be happening.)

But he had collapsed. I kinda panicked when I realized. Dropped the coffees I was holding. And ran to him.

And when I brushed away his bangs with my hand, his forehead was so hot. Burning to the touch. A fever.

It wasn’t until then I took a real look at him.

I jerked back in shock, his complexion was so ashen and he had a haggard look about him. His cheeks were sunken in and he had this really prominent darkness under his eyes. 

All that was awful in itself.  But the thing that had made me jump back the most was the blood, under his nose. He was breathing. But it was a brief affair.

And one doesn’t go from one day to another to look like that, which means he had been looking like that for a while and I just hadn’t noticed. Or he was really good at hiding his declining health.

Of course, I got to know later on that he didn’t want to alarm me. He liked what we had going on. He didn’t want it to be weird between us.

He didn’t want me to look at him differently. Like I didn’t already. A completely different “different” but still. Tsk. The Bastard.

I called for an ambulance. And while I sat there waiting for the paramedics, I just tried to get him to wake up, you know.

I held him against me. Cradling his head. Caressed his hair.  And whispered soothingly nothingnesses. To him.

You know the very instance you think you will lose someone, and you feel awful about it? That’s when you know you truly love them.

I knew it then. It hit hard. Felt like I had been hit in the head. I drowned in it. The very notion. The feelings. They were overwhelming.

And I knew the same, many times during the months to come. Even if Viktor didn’t want to believe me, at times. I loved him. So deeply. It devoured me.

...

As soon as they let me in. I sat by his side the whole time. I may have misused the term partner… heh. To get in.

 … 

I almost never left him…Just some coffee here and a toilet break there.

It was a doctor that told me in the end. Even if Viktor clarified it later. Some kind of lung disease. Terminal. Not much time…

If this hadn’t happened, I’m not sure if he ever would have told me, you know. Stubborn as he was, Viktor.

His memories are like echoes. Fleeting in and out of his consciousness. His voice cracks. Several times over.

A memory of another time it cracked creeps forbidden up forefront.

I had been there for hours. Literally. He had slept the whole time while I was in and out of consciousness. I slept very briefly. Too much on edge. Every little movement from Viktor’s side of the room and I was up in a second.

And then.

 …//…

'Jayce?'

The whisper startled him, where he sat in the chair.  He had been there all day yesterday and most of the night.

Then he had been home to change, in the early hours of this new day, and was now keeping vigil yet again. It was now noon and he was tired. Exhausted really.

'Viktor…The doctors ahh..They said…You’re..'

He hated how his voice cracked at the end, how it turned into something unrecognizable. He was hoarse of course.

Not talking more than necessarily, for a whole day and a half,  sporadically and only with the doctors. But it was more. He sounded crushed. Even to his own ears.

Viktor sighed. A deep ancient sounding sound. He didn't look in Jayce's direction, instead he kept his gaze fixed on the ceiling.

'How much time do I have?'

 …//…

I hated him a bit for that. The nonchalance. But I guess, also resignation. The cat was out of the box. I knew. I knew. And it scared him. It scared him more than the knowledge that he was dying.

She sits all quiet by now, just letting him vent.

He hasn’t spoken about this for years. He hasn’t even had the strength to do so. But maybe he should have. Talked about Viktor.

It’s a way to cope as well. To remember, the bad stuff but also the good stuff… The time before. Before he knew.

And one day. Perhaps. Moving on.

-

He started to tell me. About his illness. How it had escalated, more and more, during the last year or so. And I asked him why he hadn’t told me.

I was, I’m ashamed to admit, angry with him. I guess I was kinda overwhelmed as it was. So many different feelings wrestled within me. Anger was the easiest to embrace. I was exhausted.

I had already cried over him. A lot. Throughout our stay. Anger it was. But still I wasn’t really angry with him. No. I was mostly scared. Scared of losing him. This enigma of a man. That I loved.

I… told him as much. I wasn’t planning to. It just slipped past my lips. I was wrung out emotionally and I just told him there in the hospital.

While he lied in a hospital gown, with his hair plastered to his face, looking half dead already.

His reaction, to my confession, was devastating. To say the least.
His face fell,  contorted really…

…

He hears him then… his fragile tilted voice. He sees him. Where he lies in a hospital bed. All miserable.

It all comes back to him. It hits him hard. That day. At the hospital. He loses himself again. In the memory.

-//-

'No, no, no. You don’t.'

'I do. I do love you V. No. No, I am in love with you. I’m sorry. But that’s the truth.'

Right that instant Jayce felt really bad. Sick to his stomach-bad. Viktor didn’t share the sentiment, did he?

Here he went and fucked everything up. More than it already was anyhow.

Viktor looked at him then. Tears in his eyes.

'You can’t… You shouldn’t.. Don’t…'

'V?'

'Look at me. What’s there to love?'

'I’m a terminal ill cripple. And I’m rude, I don’t eat and I barely sleep most of the time…'

Viktor actually rambled. It was a sight to be seen. But Jayce guessed he needed to rectify that. Get him out of his spiral.

Make him shut up. He was always so good at that. Shutting him up. 

'Everything.'

Just one word. But. He knew it was true. Viktor was and would always be just perfect. Imperfections and all. Those things were just part of who he was. Always had been.
Viktor. His best friend. The stupidly handsome, witty and intelligent man he had fallen in love with. Viktor.

Viktor looked devastated, but there was something. Something there.
Jayce took a chance.

'Does this mean…?'
He could feel a giddy smile begin to form.

Viktor didn’t answer right away. But then. Very quietly.  

'Yes. Yes. I love you Jayce.'

'But we shouldn’t go down this road. We really shouldn’t. You shouldn’t need to chain yourself by me. It isn’t fair. To any of us.'

'Don’t take this away from me. You love me. You love. Me. You. Love. Me.'

'Jayce! Just… just drž hubu! Hovno…'

…//...

After that shared confession, he tried to push me away. A few times. Especially right after one or another setback.

But I was adamant to stay by his side. As long as he wanted me. He said ‘that I wasn’t fair…that I couldn’t ask that of him.

He would always want me but it wasn’t about his wants. It was about me. He couldn’t watch me. Break. He hated that it was his fault…’.

I wouldn’t have that, you know, I just screamed at him. That it was my choice. And I had chosen him. Always. Every time. For however long. It was me and him, until the end.

However short the time was until then.

 

...

He was released a few days later. And. We went back. To how we were. Before. Working. Like nothing had changed. When everything, essentially, had. We didn’t talk about it.
We didn’t talk about anything related to his sickness or our confessions. We just didn’t.

But the elephant in the room didn’t disappear, did it? Every day that went by, after the hospital stay, I noticed his struggles. He was slouching, deeper and deeper over his workbench. ….

He started to use a crutch instead of a cane. (A crutch that I later on modified). He took painkillers. Way too seldom, if you asked me.

He walked around slowly. As if pain made it too difficult to do anything else.

Tinkering in silence. Said nothing. Or at least nothing that mattered. Of course he still chatted away about his research and prototypes and such.

But not, not about him being sick. He didn’t acknowledge that. Neither did he acknowledge the love-thing. Nada. Zilch.

More and more often the signs of his declining health were there, at least. Out in the open. I was on high alert. All the time. Every little thing. Stabbed at me.

I watched him. As before.  Nothing like before. Not at all. I watched him. And I ached.

And then the coughing began. I think he thought I didn’t know. He was sneaky about it. He really was. That bastard. No normal cough either. He coughed blood.

But oh how wrong he was. It all culminated close to a month after his collapse.

‘Would you just….’

‘Would I what…V?’

‘Stop…just stop.. doing...that?’ 

‘What?’

‘Tripping around me. Like on eh…what do you say…eggshells. I’m not going to…I’m not going to drop dead in the middle of the room ... .Just like….like…that…’

His voice was so small. Quiet. He had started out strong. Angry. Voice loud. Irritated. Not now. Now it was barely there. A whisper. He was shaking where he stood. Leaning on his crutch. Head down .

He looked up at me right then. Teary eyed and snotty. ‘What….what do you want from me….Jayce?’

I was flabbergasted. I really was. There I was….there I was thinking….that we were on the same page. I wasn’t sure where he was, but he wasn’t on my page, so much was clear.

‘What…what I want…? I want you. I thought we had been over this…already…at the…at the hospital…I love you…’

I trailed off. His face was doing all kinds of things during my declaration…

It settled on crumbling, even more.

’Jayce…I…don’t…don’t do this…’

…

‘You’re not fair… you shouldn’t…you shouldn’t want…this…me…’

And I just cracked you know, my heart, seeing him so miserable. I just walked over, took his head in my hands, thumbing away his tears. The momentum made him sway a little where he stood.
But otherwise he was stockstill. Frozen. Frozen in place.

‘Oh, Viktor. You stupid handsome bastard. It’s not your thing to decide. What I want and what not…Why don’t you just…let me love you…?

He was leaning into me now. His head against my shoulder. Breathing. Slowly.

‘You just can’t…say things like that…you can’t ask…you can’t…I do…I do…I do love you… I… I am…love…jsem do tebe zamilovaný…’

He was mumbling into my neck. I felt his breath against my skin. His lips. Moving. So close. Too close.

I figured. That, that was maybe the closest admission from Viktor that I had gotten to a real confession.  I mean he had confessed before but not to, not to that he actually was in love with me. Just that he loved me.

I mean, I loved many of my closest friends. But to love and being in love, were two different things.

And I guessed that was what he was telling me. That day. In his own language. It sounded profound. I didn’t know the exact meaning but the sentiment was there…
and I had known Viktor long enough to know that he switched languages when he was in distress or just…when it was too much…for him.

 

‘I know V, I know…’

I cradled him even closer to me. Just held him there. Let him cry. And well, he cried. For a very long time. He soaked my sweater. But that didn’t matter. I let him cry.

...

I don’t know how long we stood there. With me holding him up. But I felt more than I saw when he couldn’t stay upright anymore. Of course it must have been hard on him. Standing somewhat upright, for so long, even with me…supporting him.

‘What do you say, V? Let me take you home. This is enough. This is enough. For today. You’re almost keeling over.’

He snorted then…’and whose fault is that?’ and wiggled in my hold. ‘I can’t feel my legs…none of them I might add…you’re crushing me…’

I carefully detangled myself from him. I looked at his face. There was a smile there. A small one. A wet one. But a smile. We were good. For now.

And then I took him home. He was obstinate about it, and did argue that he could walk perfectly well himself. He didn't need my help.

But as soon as I let him go he stumbled, so I just picked him up, bridal style and brought him home. He did protest, all the way there. But I saw him smiling too. He was grateful.

-

He loses himself. Over and over again. But she just lets him sit here and reminisce. To lose himself in his memories.

His all too vivid memories. He opened the box. There is no going back now.

He knows he talks too much. Too deep. Flaying himself open. For her to see. See it all. But she isn’t interrupting him.

He had looked up at her a few times during his story and then she had just looked back at him. Her big eyes on him. Telling him to continue.

'Go on. I’m listening. I realize that this is something you need to share. To go through. See it as a free therapy session. Heh. So just. Lay it on me. All of it. I can take it, Jayce. Just. Talk to me. Tell me about Viktor. '

She is and always will be too good for him. And he can’t … he shouldn’t have strung her along. As long as he had done already.

He sighs. And continues.

-

Our last time together was both tender and awful. Awful mostly often because of Viktor’s really bad self worth issues. He shied away from me so often.

But not for long. I still was great at making him listen. Actually listen.  I interrupted his spiraling episodes.

It was hard on me too though. It truly was. But he was so dear to me. I just, I just couldn’t see him like that. So unloving of himself really. Sometimes I wondered if I didn’t have enough love for the both of us.

So I could share a little with him. That he could use it on himself. To love himself. To see what I saw. To see how I saw him. To really see.

That all his so-called flaws, that he called them, essentially was what made him up to be who he was. That I loved him all the same.

Despite them. Because of them. His imperfections made him whole. Made him into him. Made him Viktor. My Viktor. My beloved.

-

Viktor got worse. Of course, he got worse.

In the middle of the night some weeks after his outburst in the lab. I got a call. Not from Viktor. He never called. Or texted. It was below him. But his neighbor called me.

Viktor had collapsed again. In the stairwell. I was glad it wasn’t on the stairs. The neighbor, Elisha, an older woman that often slept very lightly, had already been up drinking a glass of water and thus, heard him. Falling. 

And then, later on finding him, just outside his door. She called the ambulance and then she called me. It wasn’t the first time she called me. Anyhow. But this was the first time, in such a delicate matter.

Anyway, I rushed to the hospital. Since the last time, Vi and Cait had come to take care of Blitzy, so I didn’t have to worry about him. Blitzy being Viktor’s cat, short for Blitzcrank.

Well we never knew when something could happen so it was just one precaution…one thing less to worry about. Viktor was sad not to have his cat around of course. But he visited all three of them quite often.

Since the first time he collapsed he had been back at the hospital a few times, (just routine check-ups and medication-control) and all the times I had kinda been there with him.

So I was well known by now. I didn’t need to draw the “partner” shtick. Anymore. They just let me in to see him. Right away.

...

I sat down in the chair by his bed and while I sat there, waiting, I watched him sleep. As so many times before.

Like I  mentioned earlier, he had a habit of falling asleep in the lab. Hunched over his workbench. So yeah, I had watched him sleep before. He always looked so much younger in his sleep. 

Even if he was already twenty seven years old, he looked innocent like a child. He looked at peace really. So peaceful. And handsome. With his signature moles.

One under one of his eyes and one just shy of his mouth. His hair framing his face. He was like a painting. Beautiful really. But, he also looked so fragile, as he always did back then. 

He sighed in his sleep. And it was easy to just bend over his sleeping form and kiss him on his head. He sighed again.

I just needed to be near him. To know he was okay. For the time being. I took my seat again. In the chair. And waited.

 

... 

He woke up around lunch time. Cranky.

‘You’ll soon have as bad posture as me..eh after sleeping so much in chairs…’

His voice startled me. So much that I almost jumped right out of said chair.

‘ Viktor, you’re awake I see.’ I humored him.

He rolled his eyes. ‘You don’t have to be here…every time.. ah.. I wake up.’

’But I do. I do Viktor. You gave us a scare last night. Especially Elisha, who was the one to find you. You know her heart….’

‘That old hag and her heart…I’m half dead and I’m not complaining…am I?’

Viktor scoffed. I knew what he thought of his neighbor. ‘She’s just dramatic and nosy…’

He coughed.

‘You shouldn’t talk. Or…  drink some water at least. Drink and be quiet. You don’t need to talk. Just rest.’

He frowned. And gave me the stink eye, I kid you not.

- 

He laughs out loud then, when he remembers Viktor’s affronted face, so much that he scares the barmaid who just walks past their table. He says sorry.
By now, he is sniffling too. Too many feelings. It’s not long left now. Of his story.

… 

Yeah, he also hated when I babied him, as he called it when I looked out for him. But he let me. He let me take care of him. It was the little things.
How I helped him. How he let me. That care. That was how we were. A tender, quiet kind of affection. Of love.

-

He wanted us to go into work for the rest of the day. We, he, had already lost so much precious time. He argued. Of course I couldn’t forbid him, but I wasn’t happy about it.
He limped to his bench and I went to mine. And for a while we just worked. Until.

‘Jayce? Where’s the music coming from..?’

‘Ah, well. From the radio..?’

I behaved a bit sheepishly and didn’t mean it to sound like a question when I answered him but yeah, we usually didn’t have the radio on while working but I had been there by myself for a few days.

While Viktor visited some exhibition out of town (who the hell does that when they’re terminally ill and can collapse at any given moment was and still is beyond me but well,  he adamantly argued for making that trip.

And I couldn’t do much to stop him. Unfortunately. I don’t know if you can tell already, but Viktor was very stubborn).

And what can I say, I work way better with some music in the background. So the radio was on, not loud, but loud enough for Viktor to be irritated.

I walked over to him.

‘I can turn it off if you want?’

He was still sitting with his back to me. Tinkering with something.

‘V?’

I put one of my hands on his shoulder.
He froze. Immediately.

 

And then, while I stood there. With him. Frozen. Beneath my hand. A song came on. An old Rod Stewart song - Have I told you lately, that I love you? - and I just lost any preamble.

I turned him around on his chair. Watched him in the eyes and asked him,

‘Can I have this dance, V?’

And he just looked at me and then he snorted. ‘Not likely. Have you seen me lately? I can barely stand upright…’

‘Humor me V. I’ll support you.’

And then I just lifted him up, up off the chair, put his arms around my neck and held him against me. His crutch clanked to the floor. And then we just swayed.

I felt him gear up to protest but then he just thought better of it. Or maybe he just gave up.

He let his head rest against my shoulder, he sighed and buried his head in even more. But otherwise he didn’t say a word. His hair tickled me a bit. But. I was content. And I figured he was too.

“Have I told you lately that I love you?
Have I told you there's no one else above you?
Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness.
Ease my troubles, that's what you do .”

We swayed around. Quietly. With the music. Rod’s soothing voice caressing us. Like a balm.

“There's a love less defined.
And it’s yours and it’s mine.
Like the Sun.
And at the end of the day.”

And then Viktor started playing with the longer strands of hair at my neck. And it was my turn to freeze. I mean I didn’t but it was new.

A new sensation and a new situation. Altogether. He hadn’t initiated touch before. It was mostly just me.

But there here he was, touching me, by his own accord. And I just felt at ease. I really did. But I also was hyper aware of Viktor and his fingers. Caressing me.

I held onto him tighter.  But not too tight. I was aware of him now, his everything, I held him so delicately. Not to hurt him.

The music was ebbing out. But we still swayed. Viktor still touched me. And I hugged him tightly. And kissed his hair. Just like I usually did in the hospital. When he was asleep.

Which he wasn’t right then. He was very much awake. And he had stopped touching my hair. Frozen. Just like I was. Still. In the moment. Then I felt him move his head. I looked down. When he looked up. Our eyes locked.

… 

He can’t say it. Not out loud. It was a precious memory. He just let it wash over him. He smiles. It was a tender moment. After all.

-//-

Their eyes locked. Viktor slowly blinked and Jayce inhaled just as slowly. And… he didn’t know how it happened. Who moved first and what not. Just that it did. And they kissed. They were kissing.
Nothing fancy. Tentatively. Slow brushes. A give and a take. Soft. Tender. Them. Just them. Perfect.

-//-

He smiles. His heart is full. Of course he had happy memories too. Tender ones. Beautiful ones. Giddy ones. As first kisses go, that one, theirs…  was just perfect. Warm.

She smiles too. Knowingly. A bit wet. Achingly.

-

Anyway. We just moved through the motions. Took every day as it came. Mostly for Viktor’s sake. His life was already so chaotic. So I, at least, decided that we, that Viktor needed to live.

His fullest life. Until the very end.  I t was a way for me to, to cope too. For what was to come.

I get to have time with him. Not enough time. Never enough. But time. Just us two. Against the world. 

I honestly didn’t know what to do. I didn’t feel like I was ever gonna be prepared for or getting used to the idea of ​​a life without him. 

As I have been telling you. Our whole relationship, it was so intense. Such a whirlwind. Everything went by so quickly that I had a hard time keeping up. 

Even if we had those quiet tender moments too. It was intense. From beginning to end.

-

We bickered. While working. Just like the old days. And Viktor he, childishly, stuck his tongue out at me… while cackling, quite manically. 

‘Bastard.’

’Hmph.’

I flicked his nose. 'You are my bastard. All mine. No take backs.'

He blushed at that. So sweetly. High upon his cheeks,  all over his neck and even, all up to his ears. Cute. That was what he was. Cute.

He then covered his face in his hands. Telling me to stop watching him with that kind of gaze. It was embarrassing.

I wondered how. How I looked at him. But then again. I just didn’t care. I was gonna watch him. Just precisely how I wanted. Forever. However stupid I may be looking.

‘What gaze?’

‘That one. You look at me like I…like I mean everything to you….’

‘Ah, but you do Vik. You do.’

‘Stop it. Just…Don’t’

‘Nah,  I won’t. You deserve it. You deserve every little bit of my awe.’

That notion made him even redder. I hadn’t thought anyone could be so red. But Viktor proved me wrong again. As he often did. But it wasn’t just embarrassment now. I felt it in the air.

It was also indignation. He often got angry with me. Those days. He thought I was throwing away my life, or more like my time, on him. And he could  not have that.

And every time, there I was to assure him that I wouldn’t leave. I wouldn’t leave him. Even if he went bald and even more frail, even ugly I wouldn’t leave. I wouldn’t stop loving him.

And he would just. Lose that anger. It would leave him, fade, as quickly as it had appeared. And a new emotion would flicker over his face. Resignation. It was worse than the anger.

Because he looked so small. So fragile. So lost. And I couldn’t have that. I couldn’t.

‘Just stop it Viktor. I chose you. I’m gonna be with you, to the very end. I just want you to know that. Really understand that. I love you.

And nothing you’ll say or do to push me away will work. I’m here. I’m here for you. Always.’

And he would crumble in my arms. Shaking. From the tears. While silently crying. Into my tight embrace. Those days were the worst. Because I hated to see him like that. At a loss. Not really knowing. Knowing what to do.

-

He let me hold him that night. Just sleeping. But all the same. It was comforting. For the both of us.

I was afraid to crush him somehow. He was so small. Boney. He had always been shorter than me, not by much but still, with a small frame but now his sickness really showed. He was skin and bones, mostly. So thin.

And cold. He  was freezing. Viktor had always run cold. But that night he was excruciatingly cold.  But I was warm enough for both of us. A furnace, he called me. His furnace I told him. 

I held him. Tightly against my chest. Secure. And he curled himself into me, even more, like a cat. I caressed his head, his hair soft beneath my fingers, and I breathed him in. Nuzzling at him really.

I remember thinking to myself that I was happy. I was so happy. So content. Lying there. Holding him.

He sighed.

’Jayce…you are thinking too loud.’

‘I’m just content…that’s all.’

He was quiet. A long while afterwards. I thought he had fallen asleep, when I heard him whisper.

‘Oh Jayce, how was I ever so lucky and so very unlucky at the same time. To meet you. At that party. To have you crash into my orbit. Smoothing out my edges.
You are. An equation. Which I have never been able to solve. How peculiar. What did I ever do to deserve this, to deserve you?’

…

‘No, let me speak Jayce.’

‘I can feel my body eroding. From the inside. It won’t be long now. Whether you want to hear it or not. It won’t be long.  But yes, I understand that sentiment Jayce.

'I also, am happy. I am, so very happy. That you are here. But I’m sad too. As you know. But it doesn’t  matter what I say on the subject. You have eh, you have made it very clear…to…me… your choice…and all that… and I just have to accept

that… however much I ache…for your eh…unluck of being tied to me. Under these circumstances.

No. Don’t, Jayce. Let me finish…. However. However….’

He closes his eyes then and lets the last snippet of that particular memory crash over him. Like tidal wave.

...//...

Here Viktor sighed again. Moved around. So he came face to face with Jayce.

‘Jayce, můj milovaný…moje sluníčko… I love you…. I love you…so very much…You have been…you have been the only one…for me in this life.

But this is so important…Jayce, love…after I’m gone…shh…after… I’m gone…Promise me…promise me to move on...from me…to live on… for me… Can you do that? Please Jayce. Just that. For me. Promise.’

Jayce just nodded.  He didn’t know what else to do. Viktor was crying. Silent tears. He himself was tearing up.  

‘I need you to say it Jayce.’

‘I promise Viktor. I promise. V, love…I promise…there's nothing I would never do for you...and you know that, you know…’

The tears were really coming now. He couldn’t stop them. But why should he? Why should he? Jayce took hold of Viktor again. Cradled his whole body in his arms.
Kissed his hair, his temples, his cheeks, both of his moles in his face, the one under his eye, the one shy of his mouth…and then he kissed Viktor. On his lips. Just the once.
And then he waited. He waited. Suspended. There. Until he felt Viktor’s lips on his. Kissing back. It was slow. It was tender. It was soft. So soft.
They were crying. It tasted salty. But it was them. It was them and it was perfect.

-

  It wasn’t long after that. After that night. Yeah…

-

Have you ever held a hand in yours and…and suddenly there’s no one holding you back from the other end. Just gone. Nothing there… That was how it was with Viktor. There one second, gone the next.

He feels the tears now. For the umpteenth time this evening. Just talking about it makes him so devastated. All over again. Just like it happened recently. And not, five years ago.

…

With a hoarse voice he tells her. The last crumbling thoughts, that’s eating away at his heart.

I had never cried as much as I did that night.

… 

I found him all too late. We could have had so much time. If only. If only Viktor had been... more honest perhaps. But ultimately he was scared. Not of dying. Not at first anyway.

No, mostly he was afraid of heartache. He was afraid of losing me. Losing his humanity. Losing. Just losing. He was scared of leaving. Wrong things behind. Not a legacy. But a heart. His heart. 

My heart. My broken heart.

...

The funeral was a quiet affair. Only the closest ones like his sisters, me and Caitlyn...

…and nope, he can’t… he can’t talk about that…

He has told her so much already. That one bit of the puzzle… is not necessary. He can’t… tell her. He really just wants to bury it. Deep down.

Just the way they buried Viktor… no, no, no not that… He swallows those worms right back the way they came… without tasting.

-

After him I just kind of stopped. Stopped working - as a human being, I mean. I stopped living. 

It hit me hard. It kind of does, still. Even if it has been years. I'm broken. A half piece. Shattered. 

Under the most bad circumstances but it was us I suppose. Me and Viktor, at odds, against the world. We shared a connection, once in a lifetime kinda deal. Never before and never again.

Something profound. Otherworldly. Something just right. Ours.

It’s he who haunts my heart. It’s him I can’t forget. I don’t wanna forget. I can’t forget. I think he was my first love. My real first love. And I still love him. One piece of me died with him.

Will always be buried with him. That’s why I can’t do this thing with you. Be with you. So, yeah. I’m sorry. I can’t do this. I just can’t. It wouldn’t be right. To you. 

...

She watches him. He feels it. A prickling sensation. He looks up. Right at her.

She has tears in her eyes. She blinks. She smiles, it's kind of bittersweet. A look she has had several times during their talk. His confession. Really.

'I understand.'

He wonders if she really does.

'I understand now. And… I’m not the right one. But I… But I hope that someday you’ll find someone that makes you happy.
Once again. Just like he did. Just like your Viktor.'

...

Excuse me.'

And just like that. She leaves. Leaving him there. Alone. With his memories. Spilling over. And he cries. He cries. 

... 

He doesn’t know how long he has been sitting here now. Her words ring in his ears. ‘Just like he did…’.

Yes. Of course. Viktor had made him happy. So happy. The happiest. The luckiest.  All the time. Through all the hardships as well as the good times. Because of course, there have been good times

It’s just. It’s always easier to remember the bad. Because they hurt. But Viktor. Viktor was everything and will always be - always be everything, an essential part of his life. Both the bad and the good.

...

Yes. He had tried to move on. But he hadn’t been ready. Because, of course, he needed to do it at his own pace. On his own terms. Really. Damn Caitlyn. He knows she had just meant well. But, damn.

He wasn’t the only one grieving Viktor. But it’s hard to remember sometimes. After all, what he and Viktor had, what they shared, was so intense.

It always had been, that even when he was still alive they tended to forget about others, from time to time. 

He hadn’t been lying there, they had lived in each other’s pockets and that was even before they were a couple. After. After, it was worse. 

...

Meeting someone new. Falling for someone new. One day. He will be. But that day isn’t today. When that day comes… heh it will probably bite him in the ass.

When he isn’t looking. Just like it did last time. Just like how it was with Viktor. One day. But one piece of him will always be Viktor’s. That,  can no one ever take away from him.

...//...

Have I told you lately that I love you?

...//...

...................................................................................................

Hey, V… how long has it been hm…?

He touches the cold stone.

I’m sorry I’ve not been here in a while.
I just had a hard time. That’s all. I just…Fuck…
I miss you. I fucking miss you. Every day.
Every hour. Every minute. Every second.
I miss you.

Your dry jokes.Your cackling laugh. Your soft smile.
Your mind. That intelligence of yours.
Your way too big heart.
Cliché, I know. But that’s the truth.

I’m just here to tell you how much I love you. Really.
I have told you that all too seldom nowadays. But I do. 
I am in love with you and I always will be. No matter what.
I know you would hate me for that. You wanted me to move on. And I will Viktor.
I will. Even if it's hard. I will get there, eventually. I will. But these last five years?

I kind of stopped. Living. Altogether. After you.  It hit me so hard.
But I think…At last. Movement is on its way.

Like you said, I will live on. For you. And, Viktor, I will also, always love you.
A piece of me will always belong to you. It’s buried here.

With you. Forever.

............................................................................................

 Fin.