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Clint is the last person to breakfast.
Or, more accurately, everyone else is already cleaning up after breakfast as Clint zombie-walks into the kitchen and reaches, moaning, for the coffee pot. Nat rolls her eyes at him, and Thor grins and wishes Clint a good morning, and no one else acknowledges him until he’s chugged the entirety of what remained in the pot.
“Mom and Dad are fighting again,” Peter says, cheerfully, as Clint leans against the counter beside him.
“‘Bout what?” Clint asks, reaching for the cereal.
“Dishes,” Peter says.
“Use a bowl,” Nat interjects, just as Clint is about to stick his arm into the box of Lucky Charms. He grumbles and goes to get a bowl.
“We’re not fighting,” Steve protests.
“Trust me, kids,” Tony says. “This isn’t fighting.”
“What do you call it, then?” Peter asks.
“Debating,” Tony drawls.
Bruce mutters something into his mug.
“What was that?” Natasha asks, tilting her head.
“Nothing,” Bruce says. Tony throws a towel at him.
“Perhaps a compromise?” Thor offers. “Would arguing be a better choice of word?”
Peter nods. “Sure, that works.”
“But we’re not arguing,” Steve says, frowning.
“Please,” Clint says. “All you do is argue.”
“No, we don’t,” Steve insists.
“Oh, come on Steve,” Natasha says. “Even you have to realize how much time you and Tony spend squabbling.”
“But that’s not--”
“I bet you two couldn’t go a week without getting into an argument,” Clint says, shaking cereal out into his newly-acquired bowl.
Tony snorts. “Sure, Clint.”
“A week?” Peter asks, picking a rainbow marshmallow out of Clint’s bowl and popping it into his mouth. “Try a day.”
Tony shakes his head, smirking, but Steve… Steve looks contemplative.
“Bet what?” he asks.
“Huh?”
“You said you’d bet Tony and I couldn’t go a week without arguing,” Steve says. “What would you bet?”
Clint blinks. “I’unno. Ten bucks?”
“No, don’t do money,” Peter says. “If it’s money, I can’t join. And it’s pointless if Tony’s involved anyway.”
“Hm,” Clint says.
“How about we all do it?” Steve asks, plucking an orange from the fruit bowl. “Everyone who loses the bet takes a month’s worth of the team paperwork.”
“But you do all the paperwork anyway,” Clint says. “There’s nothing in it for us.”
“That’s not actually how it’s supposed to work, you realize,” Steve mutters.
“Steve and I’ll cover your lightweight asses on disaster duty for a month if we lose, then,” Tony says, breaking out into a grin. “Anything category three or under in property damage, and you can all just head home. If we win, five months without paperwork.”
“Four,” Bruce says. “I’m not betting against you two.”
“Spoil my fun,” Tony says, pouting.
“Are you kidding, Banner?” Clint asks. “There’s no way they’re actually gonna win. Is this some loyalty thing about supporting your best science bro forever?”
“Being Tony’s close friend and confidant does afford certain advantages. And corresponding disadvantages,” Bruce says.
“What does that even mean?” Peter asks, scrunching up his nose.
“It means god have mercy on your souls,” Bruce says and salutes Tony and Steve as he leaves the room.
“What about the rest of you losers, then?” Tony asks. “We doing this?”
“I’m in,” Steve says, peeling a chunk of rind off of the orange. “Obviously.”
“I do my share of the paperwork as is,” Nat says, shrugging. “I can handle a little more, if you pull this off. I’ll take the bet.”
“Sure,” Peter says.
“I accept your challenge,” Thor says.
“It’s a sure thing anyway,” Clint says.
“Great,” Steve says and tears a few sections off of the orange, handing them to Tony. “Clock starts at midnight.”
“Mm,” Tony says around the mouthful of orange.
“We should strategize,” Steve says, putting a hand on Tony’s elbow and pulling him to the hall.
“Wait! How will we know that you two aren’t just fighting everything out while we’re not around?”
Steve laughs, and Tony gestures to the ceiling as they disappear from sight.
“I think that means JARVIS will rat them out,” Peter says.
“Indeed,” JARVIS chimes in.
“Hm,” Clint says. “I guess Steve’s not the type to cheat anyway.”
“If only because he takes dares way too seriously,” Nat says. “We should all be glad Barnes and is out the country for this.”
“Hey, what about Falcon and War Machine?” Clint asks. “Do you think they’d want in?”
“Would Steve and Tony be okay with that?” Peter asks. “War Machine especially is a pretty big help on cleanup.”
“I am to relay that Mr. Stark and Captain Rogers would both be welcome more participants,” JARVIS says. “Quote, ‘If you can convince them.’”
“I’ll call them,” Peter says, pulling out his phone and slipping into the hall.
“Hey,” Clint says, a sudden thought striking him. “Stark hasn’t filed a report once since the team got together. What’s he getting out of this?”
“Maybe he is participating as a kindness to Steve,” Thor suggests.
“The whole premise of this bet is that Tony and Steve don’t get along, though,” Clint says, and Nat shoots him a look.
“Clint,” she says, “I don’t think it’s quite that they don’t get along...”
Clint’s going to ask what she means, but then Peter pokes his head back into the room and says, “Rhodes says no, and Sam says hell no. Weird, huh?”
*
Day 1
“Who drank the last of the milk?” Tony says, frowning at the fridge.
“Me,” Steve says. “Sorry.”
“It’s cool,” Tony says, getting water instead while Clint tries not to look too disappointed. “Wanna go to the store with me this afternoon? You can help me pick out fruit.”
“Sure, sounds good,” Steve says, pulling the newspaper apart and handing a page to Tony.
“Ooh, Marmaduke,” Tony says. “No actual news you think I should be reading, I guess?”
“I’m assuming you’re already aware of the fact that you released a phone upgrade today,” Steve snorts. He chews on his pencil, studying the page in front of him. “What’s an eight-letter synonym for naive?”
“Hm, I don’t know,” Tony says, dropping into the seat next to Steve to peer over his shoulder. “Innocent?”
Steve shakes his head. “I don’t think so.” He looks at Peter and Clint. “It has a ‘u’ in it, I think?”
“Gullible,” Peter says.
Steve smiles. “Yeah, that’s it. Thanks.”
Bruce chuckles, and Tony takes a long drink from his glass.
*
Day 2
“This popcorn is getting drenched in butter, and you’re all going to eat it like real fucking human beings,” Tony says, pinning each of them with a glare, one by one. “We’re doing movie night right this time, so help me god.”
Clint looks hopefully at Steve, but he just continues paging through the movie options. Peter and Clint share a mournful look.
“Right,” Tony says, flopping down onto the couch with an enormous bowl of popcorn. “What’re we watching?”
“We haven’t watched the last Star Trek movie, have we?” Steve asks, and Clint perks up again. “If we’re actually going to the premiere of the new one, maybe we should.”
“Oh my god, you guys are going to the premiere?” Peter asks. “I hate having a secret identity.”
“You don’t need to watch Into Darkness,” Tony says. “No one needs to watch Into Darkness. I’ve told you this, you’ll hate it.”
Clint hopes his sharp intake of breath isn’t too audible.
“But,” Tony says, “I like yelling about it, so I guess that’s reason enough for us to watch it, if nothing else.”
Steve smiles.
God damn it.
Tony nudges Steve in the side with the popcorn bowl, and Steve scoops a handful into his mouth.
*
Day 3
“Okay,” Clint says. “For real, though. Armor versus shield. Playboy versus boy scout. The futurist versus the man out of time. Hero versus hero. Who would win? Iron man or Captain America?”
“We wouldn’t fight,” Tony says.
“It’s a hypothetical, Tony,” Clint insists.
“Hypotheticals suck.”
“So what I’m hearing is that Cap would win,” Clint says, crossing his arms.
Steve shakes his head. He looks sad. “No one wins a fight like that.”
*
Day 4
“Is it just me, or are things looking bad for us?” Peter asks.
“We’re only halfway in,” Clint says. “There’s still plenty of time.”
“No, you’re totally screwed,” Nat says.
“What, and you’re not?” Clint shot back.
“I was prepared for the possibility of losing,” she says. “Unlike some people, I can actually do paperwork when the situation demands.”
“It is possible our decision was a rash one,” Thor sighs.
“Hey guys,” Tony says, strolling into the room with his hands shoved into the pockets of his hoodie. “What’re you talking about?”
“We were all just talking about how Steve doesn’t see what’s so bad about the latest Hammer phone,” Clint says. “Apparently, as long as a phone can make calls, he doesn’t think anything else matters.”
“Oh, please,” Tony scoffs as he pours two travel mugs of coffee.
“I know,” Clint says. “It’s ludicrous. He has no respect for what you do.”
“Steve’s from forties,” Tony says. “He’s not an idiot. And neither am I. Try harder, Hawkeye.” He raises one of the coffees in their direction as he walks out the door. “Going out today. Don’t wait up, kids. Cheers.”
“Damn it,” Clint mutters.
“We’re doomed,” Peter moans.
“Hey, did Tony leave already?” Steve asks, appearing in the doorway and pulling on his leather jacket as he scans the room.
“Yeah,” Clint says. “It sounded like he was headed out to do a lot of terrible, dishonorable things with whatever sweet young lady he can get his claws in.”
“Sweet young ladies around the city wish, I’m sure,” Steve says. He leaves, laughing.
“Damn it,” Clint says.
“Doomed,” Peter says.
“At least we may take comfort in knowing our sacrifice has served to aid the relationship of our dear friends,” Thor says.
Natasha says, “Hm.”
*
Day 5
When the Winter Soldier hears about the bet, he laughs until he actually cries. “You bet what?” He asks, wiping away tears. “Oh my god. That’s incredible. That’s so stupid. Don’t ever change.”
“They’re all idiots,” Bruce says, without an ounce of sympathy.
“You and I are going to have a long talk about how sharing is caring, Dr. Banner,” Natasha says. “I hope you realize that. And you,” she adds, rounding on Barnes. “There is so much pain in your near-future.”
“On second thought, I think I need to leave the country again. Right now.”
“I just don’t get how they’re pulling this off,” Clint says. “I know math isn’t my thing, but I’m pretty sure this is statistically impossible.”
“You poor, silly bird,” Nat says, shaking her head.
Peter walks into the room. “The bet was a bad idea,” he says and lies down on the floor in fetal position. “I’ve made so many mistakes.”
“Are you okay, kid?” Bucky asks. “You sick or something?”
“Today has been educational,” Peter says, staring at nothing. “In ways I was not prepared for.”
“What’re you talking about?” Clint asks.
Peter just makes a high-pitched sound of distress, and Thor brings him a blanket from the couch.
*
Day 6
Halfway through a fight, Iron Man goes rogue.
Well, not completely rogue. He shouts the broad strokes of his new plan over the comms but doesn’t get into the details, saying explaining would be too complicated and that they don’t have time.
“I don’t--” Cap’s voice comes through and then cuts off. Clint thinks his earpiece might have gone out, but then Cap’s back a second later. “Okay. I trust you. Hawkeye, can you compensate for the opening?”
“Yeah, I think so, but--” Clint’s the one who hesitates now, but he’s quick about it. “Cap, you don’t have to avoid arguing on missions. Bigger stakes, you know?”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Steve’s voice crackled over the comms.
“Oh my god,” Tony says. “He means the bet.”
“For fuck’s sake, Hawkeye,” Steve says and punches something so hard that Clint can hear it through the comms. “We’ve got more important things to worry about, if you hadn’t noticed.”
“But isn’t that why you’re letting Iron Man switch course?” Clint asks.
“Hawkeye, man,” Peter says, swinging a civilian to safety at the corner of Clint’s eye. “You should really stop talking.”
Clint stops talking and focuses on shooting.
Tony’s plan works, although he himself narrowly avoids getting blown to hell. Steve frowns and frets and tells him to be more careful.
“This had the least risk of civilian casualty,” Tony says, shrugging. “Besides, I knew you were keeping an eye on things, and there’s no way you’d ever let me go that easy.” He lightly punches Steve’s arm. “Without me, you’d have no one to argue with.”
Steve rolls his eyes and grabs Tony’s wrist, pulling him in for a hug that goes on long enough that Clint starts to feel awkward just watching, but Tony just laughs and hugs back.
*
Day 7
“You bastards,” Clint says with great feeling.
“Now you feel my pain,” Peter says, then returns to sipping a juice box with an air of great melancholy.
“I can’t believe how dense you are,” Nat says.
“Congratulations, my friends,” Thor says, already filling out the report for yesterday, because apparently he’s decided to be mature about this. “And not just on your victory, of course.”
“Thanks, Thor,” Steve says, but he doesn’t actually look away from Tony.
“So,” Tony says, gazing up at Steve, arms around his neck. “You’re off the hook for paperwork for a few months.”
“Seems like it,” Steve says, carding a hand through Tony’s hair.
“What will you do with all that free time?”
“I’m sure I’ll think of something,” Steve grins, and now he looks up. Straight at Clint, in fact.
Clint hits them with a pillow. He’s never claimed to be gracious.