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April 3
Of all the days he wanted to curse the fates, the higher beings, whoever controlled the goddam weather, today was that day. It was as though it fucking knew that inside he was feeling black, so just to make fun of him, because he would punch anyone who thought otherwise, the sun decided to wink down at him and the breeze was that balance of cool, yet gentle enough to keep the sweat away on the perfectly temperate spring day. God, he wanted to snort at the irony of it, the typical cliche that he had been convinced was just cliche and not actually a thing.
He knew he was being rude, but even standing there, flanked by his mom and Kozume-san, looking at the open grave, he couldn’t help but take out his phone for the millionth time since he’d gotten the news. As though on autopilot, his fingers entered his passcode: 1016 and opened the message, knowing that it would say delivered at the end of it. No matter how hard he willed delivered to change to read, he knew it never would.
hey kitten~~
i know that you won’t see this but i keep hoping that by texting you, you’ll write back. i’m praying to the gods i never believed in that this isn’t real. god i wish my last fucking words to you weren’t ayy lmao. i have so many things i want to ask you but for now i just want you to answer so i’ll say that you are my friend. you have been for the last 24 years and there are so many things i couldn’t have done without you or your support. goddammit i wish i’d expressed this more when we were together. you are loyal. you are strong. you are amazing. you are loved. you are the love of my life and nothing will change that. please. god just fucking please don’t let this be real. fuck it all. i love you. i love you so much my kitten, my kenma.
His mother gently nudged him towards what should’ve been and now would never be his future. He walked forward with jerky movements; he felt out-of-body, like he was trying to maneuver one of those awful cheaply made remote controlled cars. He willed his legs to walk to an end, his end, one end, one foot in front of the other, forced himself to reach out and take a handful of dirt, and physically used his other hand to guide it over the grave. With his mind so focused on moving his body (shit why was there so much of him?), he’d forgotten to say his final words, “I love you.” Typical. Always a timezone behind. Always a continent away. He wanted to turn back to the grave, give himself a second chance, but he’d turned into some sort of pillar for his and the Kozume family. He didn’t want to crumble that for them.
His father had been the first to see him when he’d arrived with Yakkun from the airport. He hadn’t expected the old man to be crying, but there he was, cheeks stained with tears as more leaked from the corners of his eyes. His father had nudged his mother, who immediately ran over and embraced both boys with her small shaking form. He’d felt his arms automatically go around her, not registering what was happening as his gaze had fallen to the grave that had not yet been covered. Somehow, he’d ended up dragged down as though the others saw him as air they desperately needed when in fact it was he that needed the others. But still, the tears wouldn’t come. Still the reality of it eluded him.
With the grave covered, a resounding slap of the shovel to freshly turned earth, and the Kozume family receiving prayers and attempts at consolation, his mother had wordlessly returned to his side. He hadn’t been able to move from his spot. No, he didn’t want to move from this spot. He vaguely saw his old Nekoma teammates and some newbies from when Kenma had been third year, who had looked like they wanted to come talk to him. Thankfully, they hadn’t, so he assumed that either Yakkun or Kai had forced them away. He would text them a thanks later. Only when he’d felt paper slide between his fingers, did he remember that his mother had been standing next to him. He slowly gazed down to the envelope he was now holding tightly, his mother gave him a small smile as she walked towards his father. Carefully, he flipped it over, and for the first time in 24 hours, he felt something when he saw a familiar scrawl: Kuro.
***
Dear Kuro,
I’m not really sure why I’m writing this. It’s kind of a pain, but now that I’ve started, I guess I might as well finish it.
I guess first off, it wasn’t your fault and there wasn’t anything you could’ve done. I know that you’re standing there disagreeing with me, saying that you weren’t even thinking that, but we both know you’re lying to yourself. So, really, there was nothing you could’ve done. I know that you want to be my superman or whatever, but I don’t think any super powers would’ve helped. Don’t, I repeat, don’t blame yourself.
Now, why didn’t I tell you? Simple. I couldn’t. I wanted you to pursue your dreams without any hesitation and I know you, Kuro. I know that you would’ve given up America to stay here with me and to take care of me and that was the last thing I wanted. So if you’re mad at anyone, even though I wish you weren’t, be mad at my selfishness, be mad at me.
And I guess, finally, for now at least, if I think of more, I’ll write you. You probably don’t even remember now, but that day you told me you loved me, the night before you were leaving for college in America (really Kuro? could your timing have been any shittier?), I’m finally getting the courage to tell you what I wanted to say that night, which is that I love you too, Kuro. I was so tempted to tell you that I felt the same, but I couldn’t. Not that night. I promised myself that when you came home during vacation, I would tell you then, but I couldn’t, and then I promised myself the next vacation for sure, and it just kept getting pushed back and in the end, it was for the best. You’re probably snorting or making one of the stupid noises you always make when you disagree with me, but just like always, you’ll see that I was right.
Kenma
P.S. Take a shower. You probably stink like ass.
***
April 20
Dear Kuro,
I hope Bokuto-san actually delivered this letter and didn’t forget it or else it defeats the whole purpose of this meetup. I assume you haven’t gone back to school yet? You’re also probably not eating, right? Don’t look so surprised. That expression doesn’t suit your image. We’ve been together for 24 years, dummy. You’re also staying with Yaku-san aren’t you? I bet you’re driving Yaku-san mad with worry by not eating. Anyways, that’s why I told Bokuto-san to take you to this restaurant with Akaashi-kun. Eat all that gross salted mackerel to your heart’s content. Could you be more like a cat?
Other people might be shocked, but I know that you are always kind, you idiot, so for once, let me return the favor. Do you remember when you first found this restaurant during your second year of high school? That week was absolute torture when you made us eat here every day after school. I can’t believe you even tricked me on Wednesday, yes I remember the exact day too, when you said we were going to a new apple pie shop and then dragged me in here. I can still hear your stupid laugh ringing throughout the restaurant all through dinner. It was so embarrassing, letting other people be subject to that honking sound. But, that was the moment when I realized that I loved you.
You’re not laughing a lot now, huh? You should laugh more. I’m sure Bokuto-san and Akaashi-kun miss hearing the sound as much as I do.
Kenma
P.S. The bill’s on me, so eat until you have to be rolled home. It’ll make Yaku-san feel better to see you’ve broken your fast.
***
May 11
Dear Kuro,
I guess this has become a thing, huh? It helps writing them. It helps telling you all the things I wish I could in person or on the phone or through text. It helps keep the darkness at bay for a little while, imagining your reactions to reading them, imagining you, Kuro. Crap, don’t go blaming yourself again though. This was my choice and there wasn’t anything you could’ve done to stop it. So, don’t feel guilty.
You must’ve been shocked when Yamamoto asked to meet you here or you thought it was typical Yamamoto-behavior. Guy always comes up with the stupidest plans. But this one, it’s actually mine and honestly, I thought this would be a good place to meet.
How many memories does this place hold? How many of our moments has it witnessed? Us running to the train when we were late for school. Us dead tired after practice. Us defeated after loss. Us victorious after winning. Us drunk when I finally became of age and you came home.
I told you I didn’t remember the morning after, but I did. That was the first and last time I ever kissed you. Remember you kept asking me what I wished for when I blew out the candles? God you can be so annoying when you want to be, Kuro. Anyways, that, us kissing, was what I wished for, to feel your lips against mine, to feel your arms wrap around my body like I belonged there, knowing that I’d feel safe there. Thanks, I guess. For helping me get my birthday wish. And thanks, for not pressing me the day after about it and just believing me when I told you I didn’t remember. I can honestly say, that was the only time I’ve ever lied to you, Kuro, even now, I’ve never told you another one. I’m pretty impressed with myself. Aren’t you? I love you, you dork.
Kenma
P.S. Have fun at the amusement park. Do as many stupid poses on the rides for your “candid” photos, ok?
***
June 5
Dear Kuro,
You had fun at the amusement park, right? You laughed enough for both of us, didn’t you? I was counting on you. You know how I hate exerting energy, so I have to leach off of your laugh and scream count cause you do those a lot. You don’t scream, is what you’re thinking. Do you remember when there was a cockroach in the changing room at Nekoma? I don’t think I’ve ever heard your voice go so high. You’re probably trying to repress that memory, but I won’t let you ever forget.
Today was a bit better. We actually talked on the phone before I started writing this and reminisced about Nekoma days, how your MD is going, how my stuff is going, how I’ve been doing. It’s weird how you’ve always had a sense for exactly when I need to hear your voice even though you’re an ocean away. Do you have some sort of sensor? Did you bug me? I’m not that incompetent you know. I have been able to survive these last 7 years without you constantly being next to me. I’ve even learned to cook. Well rice. And eggs. But that’s a start. Oh and ramen. Next to come home, I’ll make it for you. I make a mean ramen now. Even Yaku-san was impressed. Anyways, thanks for calling me today. I don’t think I said it over the phone. Even though it was just your voice, it helped. A lot. I wanted to tell you on the phone that I love you, but I couldn’t. So, I love you. A lot.
You’ve always taken care of everyone, so it’s my turn to take care of you, ok? I told Lev to get you that cup ramen brand you like. I hope he hasn’t forgotten and he’s getting it now. If not, kick him for me, he probably deserves a kick anyways for some other stupid thing he’s done, so yeah, either way, kick him. Kick him real good.
I’ve always liked this convenience store. But the owner must’ve hated us during high school, especially when the first years joined: Lev and Inuoka. Did they not understand the joy of silence? Well, for once, I guess, I’m grateful the two of them don’t shut up. Take in their endless chatter and tell Lev some scary medical things to scare him shitless. The look on his face will probably be priceless.
Kenma
P.S. In case you’re drawing a blank:
Do you want to hear a bad cat joke?
Just kitten.
P.P.S. Did you laugh? At least snort? I hope so. I tried it out on Bokuto-san and he said it was a hoot.
***
June 30
Dear Kuro,
Isn’t summer the worst? It’s so hot. Thank god neither of us were born in summer. I wouldn’t have been able to stomach the birthday parties or the activities. I never knew why you kept dragging me outside to practice volleyball with you when you knew that I just wanted to sit in the air conditioning, eat apple ice cream, and play video games. But, no, you kept insisting that playing by this stupid river would be cooler than playing in our backgrounds. And why did I let you? Even to this day, I’m not really sure. But, either way, I’m thankful.
Without you pushing me to play volleyball and telling me to stay on the team, remember we had that conversation here too, I wouldn’t have been able to make some of my happiest memories. I wouldn’t have been able to meet so many kind people. I wouldn’t have been able to spend as much time with you, Kuro. Thank you. Thank you for sticking by my side through all of it. Thank you for getting my ass in gear when I needed it.
I saw Kai-san earlier today and that’s probably why I’m giving this letter to him. He said that you two haven’t talked much since you started med school, so I thought I should remedy that. You guys always had the weirdest philosophical conversations about time and reincarnation. If you’re up for it, you should engage that muscle you claim is a very clever brain of yours. And also have an ice cream on me. As a Kuro specialist, you have to listen to me because you aren’t a doctor yet. I know how long med school is even though I always pretended not to listen to you. I’ve always listened to everything and remembered.
Even that stupid chant you always said: We are the body’s blood, flow smoothly and circulate oxygen so the brain functions normally.” I hope you’re keeping your blood flowing smoothly by eating healthy food and not drinking copious amounts of alcohol. We need your brain to function normally because remember, you’re going back to school in the fall to finish that medical degree so that you can show people just how kind you are.
Kenma
P.S. Play some volleyball out there while you’re at it. Invite whoever. I’m 100% sure they’re free.
***
April 3, 1 year later
He wondered if the weather on April 3rd would always be a perfect spring day. Just like last year, the sun was out, not a cloud in sight, the temperature was warm, but not too hot, and the breeze played with his unruly, yes contrary to popular belief he knew, hair. Instead of cursing the higher powers, he smiled that maybe Kenma was still looking out for him. The letters had stopped coming, but it was though Kenma knew, like always, the timing for everything.
Those first few weeks, he’d spent at Yakkun’s place, not wanting to be near the Kozume house, not wanting to be near the places that held so much memory and then out of the blue, Bokuto called him and told him they needed to meet. And then, the first letter came and then the second and then, he started feeling the warmth rush under his fingertips, a tingling sensation as though he was returning to his body after being a spectator for weeks or maybe it was months. But like, Kenma had said in the last letter, he’d gone back to school in the fall and decided on pursuing psychiatry. He hadn’t regretted it for a minute.
“Hey,” Yakkun called, standing next to him in front of the grave with some flowers. He watched as Yakkun placed the bouquet down next to his own, closed his eyes to say a small prayer, and stood back up. “Here.” He looked down to see Yakkun holding a letter with a familiar scrawl with his name on it. “He told me to give it to you in a year.” Yakkun shrugged at his confused expression. “He knew.” A small frown passed quickly through Yakkun’s features as though he’d wanted to say more, but didn’t.
“Thanks.”
“You need a ride back, right?” Yakkun didn’t wait for his response. “I’ll wait by the car.” And with that, he turned and walked away.
***
Dear Kuro,
This is the last letter. No more surprises in a year. It’s a lot of energy and honestly, I’m surprised at myself that I was able to write and plan them. But, it gave me that last boost I needed during these last few months. Even now, you’ve been taking care of me without even knowing it. I’ve always been jealous about that characteristic of yours to be perfectly frank. You have such a warmth and such a good eye for things, even though sometimes you use it to provoke people, and I’ve always wished some of that warmth rubbed off on me.
But enough of self-pity, is that what a person would call this? I don’t know. I’m so tired now, Kuro, but I have to tell you this one last time. Thank you. I am and will be eternally grateful that you have been by my side all these years. Through thick and thin. You know that American wedding vow stuff? Through sickness and in health. Through the good and the bad or whatever. You have done all of that for me, so thank you. Thank for letting me into your life and for taking a chance of a socially anxious kid who liked video games far more than he would’ve liked to admit. Thank you for your joy. For your laughter. For you being Kuro.
You have made these last 24 years worth living. You have made my life brighter. You have made my life calmer. You have made my life more secure. You have made my life whole. I sound so cheesy right now, I’m cringing, but might as well finish what I’ve started.
Whenever you’re feeling down or sad or unsure, remember that you are strong. You have helped me come out of a shell I never thought I would’ve. You have helped me overcome so many things and find joy in places I never thought possible. Remember, you are Kuro. You are a former captain of a team that went to nationals. You are a wonderful leader. You are going to be a great doctor. You are going to help so many people. You make so many people happy. You are and will always be my best friend. You are my Kuro.
Kenma
P.S. I love you. You've done everything I could've asked for, don’t ever doubt that.
A year after getting the news, he cried for his friend.
hey kitten~~
there are still so many things i want to ask you. still so many things i want to say. not a day goes by when i don’t think of you. every day i wish i could hear your voice one last time telling me not to be stupid kuro. when i hear video games noises it’s especially hard and i have to resist the urge to look over for your pudding hair cause i know it won’t be there standing next to me. but for now. thank you. thank you for all that you did for me this last year. thank you for taking care of me when i needed it most. thank you for encouraging me from the sidelines. thank you for loving me. i love you kenma, my kitten, my kenma. 25 years of loving you and counting.