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Suzie sighed as she rolled onto her stomach, attempting to battle her restlessness. She turned to face the clock on her bedside table, groaning as she read it. 3am. At least four hours she had spent tossing and turning just trying to settle her brain enough to sleep. Her whole life had been this way, each night spent with a war between her mind and body. She had tried taking sleeping pills, but after a couple of days they lost their effect. Even going as far as alcohol and weed didn’t quite have the desired outcome. With one last failed attempt at counting sheep, she gave up.
Pushing the comforter off her body, Suzie felt the chill of the outside world against her skin. She had gotten into the habit of leaving her window open. It provided a comforting background noise with the leaves rustling in the wind and the odd car driving past. “I guess I’ll just watch a movie,” she mumbled to herself as she dragged herself out of the warm confines of her bed. Taking the blanket she kept neatly tucked at the end of her bed, she waddled her way to the living room.
The second she sat down on the couch all of the fatigue in her body kicked in. Of course she would be seconds from sleep the moment she was away from her bed. Despite the annoying circumstances, she made sure her alarm was still set on her phone and curled up under her blanket. If she had to be on the couch to sleep, so be it.
“Another night of the same?” her roommate Onya questioned, sitting on the arm of the couch by Suzie’s feet.
Not happy to have been woken up, Suzie grunted at Onya. “If you know that, why are you interrupting my precious beauty sleep?”
A laugh escaped Onya’s lips. She knew waking up a sleep deprived Suzie would have its consequences. Still, she had to do what she had to do.
“Your alarm has been going off for the past ten minutes. You made it so loud that I could hear it from the kitchen, yet you couldn’t hear it right next to your head. You have half an hour to get ready for your meeting.”
It had become second nature for Onya to learn Suzie’s schedule, down to the rare intricacies. She made Suzie have a weekly calendar on their fridge to put all of her responsibilities onto. At first she was irritated at having to act like Suzie’s mother sometimes, but over time she came to love her for it. Suzie was the little sister she never got to have and that brought her so much warmth and joy.
“Oh shit. Thank you. Takeout is on me tonight and I’ll do the dishes,” Suzie replied, jolting up and pushing away her blanket.
Not having time to process the guilt at once again relying on Onya as her second alarm, Suzie scrambled to get ready. Her ride to the meeting wouldn’t take long to get there and she knew she had to look beyond presentable.
After graduating from college, Suzie created her own theatre company. At first it was just for her and some of her classmates from college to have experience in the industry, but it ended up becoming financially stable enough to become bigger. The meeting that day was with a huge costume company to guarantee a five year contract for costuming for all productions. Not only was the pressure from the perspective of the company, but also from herself. So far over the years she had managed to upgrade the company to a better theatre and hired some amazing makeup artists, and costumes were the next biggest thing on her list. If she made a bad impression with the biggest company on the market, who approached her regarding working together first, word would trickle down and limit all of their other best options.
Hearing a knock at the door, she rushed to finish her makeup. It wasn’t her best work, but considering she didn’t have much time it had to be good enough. She picked her bag up off her desk and stumbled out into the hallway. “Oof. Sleep problems again?” her ride questioned. Suzie rolled her eyes in response. Of course.
“You’re so rude to me Kori. To think I gave you this job in the first place.”
A frown formed on Kori’s face. “If you look like a freak I’m going to tell you. That’s what friends are for.”
Kori was Suzie’s friend from college, who had actually studied to be an animator. Unable to get the career she wanted out of college, she ended up as a finance apprentice. It was far from her dream, but she realised that she enjoyed it more than she had expected. Once Suzie had realised the growth of the theatre company, she decided to hire someone to keep track of their finances. Of course they had accountants for payroll, but it was left to her to monitor other spending on resources and such. Once she had spoken with the payroll team to confirm they would prefer to not take on the responsibility, Suzie immediately made the offer to Kori. Despite the venom they usually spoke to each other with, no two people could care about each other more.
“Well yes, I had half an hour to get ready so this is what we’re working with,” she explained, knowing that Kori was likely exaggerating how bad she looked for the sake of comedy.
They arrived at the costume company’s office with time to spare, a relief to Suzie who had just endured Kori’s reckless and borderline dangerous driving. At least it wasn’t for nothing. Entering the building, Suzie couldn’t believe how expensive it looked. There was a fancy reception area with pristine couches and the most high-tech coffee machine she had ever seen, with most walls in the building being windows looking into the office rooms or over the city. It only raised the stakes in her mind. This much money on one of their offices meant a lot of money on the costumes themselves.
Approaching the reception desk, Suzie allowed Kori to do the talking. As the extrovert out of the two of them it was a given in most situations. The woman behind the counter made a call and then advised Kori and Suzie to wait on the couch.
“I wonder how many people will be in this meeting,” Kori mused, filling the silence. Usually there would be two or three other people, but with a company taking themselves this seriously she wondered if there would be more.
Suzie hummed at the thought. She hoped there weren’t too many people. The more people there the more people who would judge her if she fucked up in some way. She felt Kori nudge her side, alerting her to the footsteps nearing them. At first she thought it was just to bring her back to reality, but looking towards the source of the footsteps her jaw dropped open. Fuck.
The woman stopped in front of the couch, directly facing Suzie and Kori. They both watched as she forced a smile, her eye twitching slightly as she maintained the expression. “I assume you’re here for the potential contract? Follow me to my office.”
It took a second for Suzie to register what was going on. Every thought in her mind had left her. Not only was the meeting with very important people, it was with her ex, Jewels. The one ex that she could never quite let go of. Kori stood up and lightly kicked Suzie in the shin. Attempting to hide her inner turmoil, Suzie mirrored Jewels’ fake smile and followed behind her and Kori.
Entering the office, Suzie was surprised to see nobody else was present. There weren’t any additional chairs either. Just one on one side of the desk and two on the other.
“Long time no see,” Jewels sighed, sitting down and arranging some papers in front of her.
Suzie gulped. She turned to face Kori who looked like she was holding back a laugh. Whether that was out of awkwardness or the situation in general Suzie did not know.
Not trusting Kori to do the talking and knowing it was her job anyway, Suzie cleared her throat. “I hope that our previous… relations will not affect the outcome of this meeting. This is a big opportunity for us and I would hate for an unrelated past to get in the way.”
Jewels smiled, a genuine smile, different to the one she had put on previously. This threw Suzie off. Not because she didn’t expect her to smile, but because it reminded her just how much that smile used to mean to her. How much it got her through. It seemed like that same sentiment rang true for Jewels as well.
“Look, Suzie, there is a reason I reached out to you. Offered this opportunity to you. Lana and I were talking about the people we were close with in college and your name came up. She told me about your company and we went to watch one of your shows. I only really went out of curiosity and nostalgia, but I ended up leaving inspired. It made me happy to see that you are still working hard and passionate about theatre,” she began, checking closely for Suzie’s reactions.
Seeing that Suzie wasn’t yet displaying any judgement, she continued. “In the position that I’m in with my own company here, I figured there would be no harm in extending a hand. Not because I think you need it or anything, just as an offer. A gesture.”
Silence settled in the room as Suzie came to terms with what had been said. She wanted to believe that the offer was made with the best intentions as was said, but a part of her had grown to second guess Jewels. Their relationship hadn’t ended in the way she would’ve liked, and that responsibility landed on Jewels’ shoulders. She was the one who had ended things, and that was for her own selfish reasons in her own selfish way.
“What are you looking for here? You know that working with us won’t benefit you much,” Kori questioned. She felt a need to speak up for Suzie. This was becoming less about business and more about personal things, and she didn’t want Suzie to spiral back to the depression she had been in following the break up. With the way Jewels was speaking about her, Kori knew that Suzie would take it to heart.
Jewels let out a deep breath. She should’ve expected Kori to ask the real questions. “If I’m honest, a part of it is guilt. Not only did seeing you stand on that stage and bow bring me pride at what you have accomplished, it also reminded me of the pain I caused you. That there was a period of time where maybe you wouldn’t have made it to see today. I realised that I owe you. If being able to take one stress off your shoulders now makes up for even five percent of what I caused in the past, I want to do that.”
Those words hit Suzie like a truck. She had expected that when her and Jewels would finally meet again all of the feelings she once harbored would return. Instead, hearing Jewels’ admission of guilt and awareness of just how bad things were for Suzie at the time, she felt numb. Not a feeling of hatred nor love. Not a want to jump over the table and punch Jewels nor kiss her. Just nothing.
She knew Kori could sense the coldness radiating off her by the arm carefully placed next to hers, an offer to hold it if she needed. Thankful that Kori was there with her for support, Suzie let out a deep breath of her own. If this was the situation within which everything would be hashed out, so be it.
“I appreciate your offer. A big part of me wants to reject this, go back to pretending like you never existed, but this is a major opportunity for my company. You will be aware from my emails with your admin team that I want to work closely with your company in terms of design and creation of the costumes. Will that interaction be with yourself, or with your employees?”
The lack of emotion in Suzie’s voice was enough to startle Kori. In their years of being best friends, she had never heard Suzie speak to anyone like that before. Even in professional settings. Something about what Jewels said set something off in her, and Kori could tell that Jewels noticed it too. Her face paled and there was an unidentifiable look in her eye. The reality of what she had done to someone as compassionate as Suzie, Kori suspected.
Jewels opened her mouth to speak, but she struggled to get any words out. “I- I was intending to work with you myself, as I like to be involved in the work we do, but if you would prefer for me to be separate from this I am fine to proceed that way.”
Nodding her head, Suzie turned to face Kori. She tapped her on the arm to get her attention and wrote something down in her notebook.
‘Would I be stupid to accept this?’
Kori pulled the notebook closer to her and read what Suzie had written. She hummed quietly as she processed it. She could tell that despite Suzie’s numbness, she was still weak against Jewels. The apprehension over whether or not she was being too trusting was clear to Kori through those seven written words, but so was her inability to say no to her. Kori clicked her pen and wrote on the line below.
‘No, but trust your own judgement.’
It was not the answer she had expected from Kori, but it was the best answer she could’ve given. Suzie decided that she was willing to go ahead with the contract, but things had to be made clear first. She had to speak with Jewels in greater depth. Not just in regards to the offer itself, but also about everything they went through.
“For now, I accept your offer. Assuming there are no other conditions at play here on your side. However, I would like a chance to speak with you privately about things before I agree to working with you personally. Is that okay with you?” Suzie explained.
The two best friends watched as Jewels sank slightly into her chair, her eyes closing in relief. Suzie wasn’t sure why Jewels was so invested in this, but she did know that she was going to find out.
====
The air outside wasn’t as cold as Suzie had suspected, rendering her jacket useless. Still, she kept it draped over her shoulders. Her outfit wouldn’t be complete without it. Onya judged her harshly for caring to look good for her conversation with Jewels, but ultimately deep down a part of her still did care.
Once Suzie had gotten home from the initial meeting with Jewels, she felt like she was in a state of mental paralysis. She couldn’t bring herself to do anything. The numbness had spread from her thoughts about Jewels to her thoughts about everything. None of her favourite movies were enticing her to be her escape for the evening, none of her favourite songs were enough to make her feel anything. The worry that Kori had during the meeting was coming true. Suzie was spiralling again.
Despite her promise to Onya, Suzie couldn’t bring herself to do the dishes. She did pay for takeout, but she left the choice of restaurant to Onya and only really picked at her own dish. This was what alerted her roommate that something was wrong. Very wrong. She had never heard about Jewels from Suzie herself, but after dropping her off, Kori did text Onya to let her know what happened. This was enough for her to connect the dots.
Suzie went straight to bed after barely eating her meal. She didn’t have the energy for anything else. What she did have the energy for, though, was looking through her old photos with Jewels. One in particular brought back a vivid memory.
“I don’t feel right about Lana getting to take all your measurements. What if she realises how hot you are and tries to steal you from me,” Jewels joked, holding on tighter to Suzie’s waist.
Suzie laughed at her girlfriend’s worries, leaning her head back against her shoulder. “Baby, you know that Lana couldn’t see me as anything more than her best friend’s freak girlfriend if she tried. But if you want to work with me so badly on this why don’t you just speak to your professor? I’m sure she won’t mind switching the partners up.”
To prepare the students for the real world, the last semester of their final year would consist of them teaming up with other majors where they could use real world applications. In the case of Jewels and Suzie, the fashion design students were creating the outfits for the theatre students’ final production. They would do everything themselves, from the fittings to the design to the creation and final touches. They would only begin working together once the theatre majors were reaching the last of their rehearsals, giving them a stricter time constraint than they were really prepared for.
Jewels spoke with her professor who agreed to let her and Lana swap, considering nothing had been started by any of the students yet. This allowed Suzie and Jewels to spend more time together than they already were. Jewels was no stranger to watching Suzie perform on stage, but seeing her go through every rehearsal knowing that it might be her last time in a big production was something completely different. She could tell in Suzie’s speech and movement that the reality of this being her last semester had kicked in. That only made Jewels work harder. She knew that for her, she already had plans in place to reach her dream, but Suzie was living life as it came. Jewels couldn’t allow herself to be the one to put a downer on that.
The final production came closer and closer, with the first show approaching in a mere week. The deadline for the final costume was on Monday, and Jewels and Suzie were sat at Jewels’ work station on Saturday, scraps of fabric scattered on the table in front of them.
“Just let me help you. You know I know how to work a sewing machine,” Suzie offered, knowing that Jewels was working herself up to the point of no return.
Jewels shook her head. “This is my responsibility Suzie. You need to stand on that stage wearing a costume as perfect as you, and if I want to become a designer I should be able to do that alone.”
This pained Suzie to hear. She had never experienced Jewels in a place of self doubt, and she felt guilt at being the reason why. If they had kept the partners as they were, her girlfriend wouldn’t be on the verge of tears right now. “As long as I’m here, you don’t have to do anything alone. Even if you feel like it should be done that way. Let me take some of this stress and burden off your shoulders.”
All of the emotion building up inside of Jewels faded as she turned to look at Suzie. The care and concern on her girlfriend’s face reminded her what she was working so hard for. Why she had such high aspirations for her future. Not for herself. She hadn’t cared all that much for a majority of her life. Instead, it was for Suzie. She wanted to get to a position where she could support Suzie no matter what. To be able to watch Suzie on stage for as long as it was what she loved most, even if the financial burden of that being the reality was on Jewels.
“Thank you, my love. I don’t know what I would ever do without you. If you wouldn’t mind making a start on measuring the fabric, I am going to begin with the skirt.”
The couple spent the rest of the weekend hidden away from the rest of the world as Jewels worked her ass off on the costume while Suzie sang her girlfriend’s favourite songs to keep her motivated. Kori would swing by with snacks and energy drinks, also reminding them to get back to their dorms to sleep and shower on Saturday night. By Sunday afternoon the costume was complete, aside from them deciding on which accessories Suzie should wear. That was fine to be decided later, though. With the costume ready to go, Suzie finally put it on.
Jewels couldn’t stop a few tears from rolling down her face. Partially out of relief that her work had been done, but mostly because the reality was setting in for her too. She hadn’t told Suzie yet, but she was moving away for better chances at success in her career. This was the first time, and likely the last time for a while, that her and Suzie could work on something together. Something that was theirs. Finally noticing the tears on her girlfriend’s face, Suzie ran over to Jewels to wipe them away and leave gentle kisses in their paths.
“This has been the best weekend of my life. I wouldn’t have wanted to spend it with anyone else. Thank you for working this hard for me. I love you more than words can ever convey,” she smiled, pulling Jewels into a hug.
Once Jewels’ tears had cleared up, they decided the only thing to do next was a photoshoot. Against the backdrop of a messy room, surrounded by sewing machines and random collections of fabric, Suzie posed for Jewels, wearing the creation that had been constructed with not only blood sweat and tears, but also love. The last photo, the one that would become Suzie’s background on her phone and her most cherished, was of Jewels kissing her on the cheek, both looking so proud of what they had created together.
Something about the memory in combination with what Jewels said in the meeting clicked. Nothing had really changed. Years had passed by, people had come and gone, but Suzie was still on stage doing what she loved, and Jewels was still willing to do what she could to help her continue doing that. Jewels had never expressed to Suzie directly why she put so much effort into that final costume, but in hindsight Suzie couldn’t help but wonder if anything Jewels did was actually from a place of being selfish.
Entering the coffee shop, Suzie’s eyes wandered until she saw Jewels. She was sitting in the corner, nerves visible from across the room. A smile formed on Suzie’s face at the fact that Jewels had dressed up too. Her makeup was perfect, her hair was perfectly curled draped in front of her shoulders, and she was wearing a pin on her pink jacket that Suzie recognised. The one she had made Jewels while they were designing the outfits in college. Maybe she hadn’t gotten the wrong idea after all.
Suzie sat down opposite to Jewels, extending a polite smile to the former love of her life as she placed her jacket onto the back of the chair. “Hi,” she began, shuffling on her seat in an attempt to get comfortable.
“Hi. You look nice,” Jewels responded.
She didn’t know what else to say. It was unclear how much Suzie wanted to talk about, and she didn’t want to be the one to get the conversation started.
The first thought in Suzie’s mind was to mention the pin, but the one thing she had promised Kori was to not get caught up in her love for Jewels from the past. Even if she was second guessing the reasoning behind Jewels’ actions all that time ago, that didn’t mean the pain she went through no longer existed. It also didn’t mean that she wasn’t susceptible to going through it all over again if she let her guard down. She had to tread carefully.
“So. Like I said in the meeting, before I agree to working with you, I would like to talk about everything. Get some closure so to speak,” she began, happy to see Jewels nodding intently.
“You hurt me. Badly. It took Kori a month to get me to leave the apartment. It took another three months for Kori to convince me that life was worth living. I was ready to give up. Not just on theatre, because all of my favourite shows began reminding me of you, but on existing as well. If you gave me a reason, maybe it wouldn’t have hurt so bad. But I have had to go through the past five years coming to the worst of conclusions about why you left me, just for you to return and use something that you know means everything to me as your way back in. Even if it’s just to apologise, you have to see how that might get to me right?”
Jewels was speechless. She was highly aware of everything Suzie had just told her, but she did not expect for that to be where she started. Her intention was never to remind Suzie of the pain she put her through, but how could she explain that? The Suzie in front of her wasn’t all that different from the Suzie she loved, apart from one thing. She was void of the care and love that melted Jewels’ heart every time they were together. It felt strange, wrong even, to see her like that. But then, Jewels knew that was her own fault. She was the one who caused Suzie to become that way towards her.
Taking a second to compile her thoughts, Jewels did her best to mask the hurt on her own face. “I understand. I do have my reasons for why I did what I did, but that doesn’t excuse anything because I never expressed them to you. I am extremely sorry for inserting myself back into your life too. After seeing you on stage again I was reminded of everything, including why I made the decisions that I did in the first place. I couldn’t help myself but to be selfish and find a way to at least try and make up for what I’ve done.”
“Selfish has been the descriptor for you since you left me, you know? But I get it,” Suzie sighed, massaging her temples. There was so much she wanted to say, yet none of it felt right. How could she navigate this without breaking her promise to Kori?
“That pin. I was actually thinking about that time in our lives the evening after our meeting. Of course, seeing you again brought me back to a place I thought was long behind me, but it was also weirdly you who brought me back out of it. At first I thought you were being condescending in the meeting, acting all high and mighty. Looking back on old pictures though, I remembered why you worked so damn hard that last semester. For me. I wasn’t supposed to let these memories get in the way but fuck it. That was what made me realise that I needed to show up here with a willingness to hear you out. A willingness to allow you to explain yourself, even if the outcome is still that you’re a selfish bitch. But I doubt that to actually be the case.”
The background noise in the coffee shop had long faded out to Jewels. She was seeing in real time as Suzie’s expression softened, her voice losing the negativity it was carrying at the start, and her muscles loosening up the more she spoke. It was hard for her to ignore how the crumbling of Suzie’s barriers against her reignited the butterflies that had laid dormant inside her since she left. The butterflies that she had tried so hard to get others to replicate with no luck.
Suzie was talking to her about the past, and it wasn’t from a place of anger or sadness anymore. She noticed the pin. She remembered it. Jewels spent an hour contemplating whether or not to wear it, but she figured if it showed even an ounce of her sincerity that it would be worth the potential accusations it could raise. The memories that Suzie referenced as coming back to her after a long time of forcing herself to forget were the same ones Jewels had spent their whole time apart losing sleep over. Most of all, she wanted to hear the truth. She believed that Jewels was good, and that she wouldn’t have hurt her for nothing. She wanted to hear her out.
She knew it would be a more emotional conversation than Suzie might have been prepared for, but she couldn’t hold back the truth anymore. “The reason I left you was, well… for you. That might sound crazy, but I promise it made sense in my dumb head. See, my plan since I fell in love with you was to do what I could to support you. I knew from what you said that the chances of you being able to financially support yourself working in theatre was low. My dream became to become as successful as I could to be able to allow you to do that without worry. If that meant having to be apart while I created that success for myself, I considered it worth it. That was scary, though.”
Taking a second to breathe, Jewels noticed that tears were forming in Suzie’s eyes. She would be going too far to walk around and wipe them for her, she knew that, but it was all her body was urging her to do. Instead, she took a sip of her drink. She needed to allow Suzie to be the one to let her back in first. With a nod from Suzie as she wiped away her own tears, she continued.
“I created this idea in my head that while I was gone working hard for us, for you, that you would find someone better. Someone prettier that you had more shared interests with. The more I allowed myself to think about that, the less I allowed myself to be in a world where we continued our relationship while I was gone. So I did the only thing I could think to do at the time. End things. It was selfish of me, I can’t deny that at all, but my intentions never strayed from what I thought was best for you. I didn’t want for you to have to spend every waking moment reassuring me that you hadn’t found someone new, just for my insecurities to not allow me to believe it. I’m sorry, Suzie. I truly am.”
Suzie had no idea what to say to that. She thought that finally hearing the truth would allow her to let go of Jewels from her heart for good, however it just made the breakup all the more painful. It was so preventable. Even if Jewels thought that Suzie would get sick of constantly having to reassure her, Suzie loved her so hard that she would’ve done it in a heartbeat. No amount of calls would’ve been too many.
The air in the coffee shop turned cold, prompting Suzie to put her jacket on. There was so much in her mind. The part of her that was still present from the time she was desperately in love with Jewels was begging her to plead her case, tell Jewels that none of what she said was true. But logically she knew that there was no point to it. Convincing her of things that were long in the past would be useless. It wouldn’t suddenly take away everything that Suzie put herself through, nor would it change the reality of what happened.
“I understand. None of your insecurities would’ve come true, but I can see how that would’ve been in your mind. So, what you’re saying is that when you saw me again after all this time, you realised that your promise to yourself was still left unfulfilled? That you had gone away and become successful, but it was no longer for its original purpose,” she asked carefully, allowing Jewels more grace than she knew she should.
Jewels shook her head instantly. It was the only conclusion that Suzie could’ve come to, but it was far from her personal truth. “I never lost sight of why I was working so hard. It was a lie, in the meeting, that you randomly came up in conversation. Even while I was away, I was forcing Lana to go to your shows. None of my motivation for working endlessly was for myself. You didn’t leave my mind at any point. Once you had gotten to a point where your company was going strong, I knew it was the timing to see if you were still open to my support.”
This was all too much. Jewels was telling Suzie everything she had wanted to hear instead of being broken up with. All of the reasoning that could’ve saved her from months of deep depression and years of self doubt and inability to open up to the people around her. She could tell that the truth being set free was causing a reaction within Jewels too. Her face expressed a pain that Suzie had never seen from her before. Regret.
Everything around Suzie was starting to overwhelm her. Every noise became louder, only worsened by the sudden warmth washing over her. Clearing her throat, she regained Jewels’ attention. “I’m, uh, I’m going outside for a second,” she smiled apologetically before standing up and allowing herself to be drawn into the cooler air outside of the coffee shop.
Reaching into her jacket pocket, she pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes and took one out. It was a habit she had let go of for the most part, but sometimes in situations like these there was no other way to calm herself down. She put the cigarette to her lips and lit it, cringing at the bitter taste as she took a drag. Once she was out of the habit, it took a while for her to get used to it again. Despite that, it was doing its job. She was no longer hyper aware of everything happening around her.
She was startled by the door opening next to her, revealing a concerned Jewels. “Since when have you smoked?” she questioned, no judgement evident. Only curiosity.
Suzie laughed at the question. It was true that she avoided it in college to preserve her voice. “Since you broke me.”
The truth stung Jewels’ heart. She didn’t doubt that Suzie was being sincere. Not for a second. It was the first real change she had seen in Suzie since worming her way back into her life, reminding her that time really had passed. Even if being around Suzie again made her feel like she did when she was an immature college student, neither her nor Suzie were the same people they were back then.
“I really am sorry. No words can convey the extent of that.”
Her familiar choice of words was a punch to Suzie’s gut. “That’s what I said every time I told you how much I loved you,” she muttered dryly, not caring if Jewels heard her.
Jewels heard her as if it was shouted into her ear with a megaphone. “I know it is. Those words have been imprinted in my mind this whole time.”
She knew it was against her better judgement, but now that Jewels was next to her, watching her smoke a cigarette as if it was the most intriguing movie she had ever seen, she didn’t want to let her go again. Not that she wanted to date Jewels again for the sake of her own wellbeing, but she just couldn’t be the one to cut the string between them. That had always been Jewels’ job. The attachment was strong. Too strong. She didn’t have it in her to break it, regardless of the time that had passed and the shit she had been through because of it.
“Do you want to go back to my place or something? My roommate will probably be home but it will be a more comfortable place to carry on our conversation,” she suggested. She knew Kori would kill her on sight, but she just had to hope that Onya wouldn’t say a word to her.
The offer was a shock to Jewels. She had expected Suzie to want nothing more to do with her, if only just for working together. “Sure. That sounds nice.”
Unlocking and opening the door to her apartment, Suzie heard the TV playing from the living room. Onya was home. It only took a second for Onya to be nosy and come to pester Suzie about what had happened. As she gained vision of the hallway, she was shocked to see her roommate stood with one of the most beautiful women she had ever seen. Kori had told her that Jewels was stunning, so she assumed it to be her.
“Hi Onya. This is Jewels. Her and I are going to carry on talking. Since you’re in the living room I’ll take her to my room,” Suzie explained, gesturing to Jewels.
Onya shrugged her shoulders. She would deal with the aftermath when it came to it. “Nice to meet you, Jewels. I’ll go back to my reality shows and leave you two to it.”
“Oh wait!” Suzie called out, wanting to make sure of something. “Please don’t tell Kori about this. I’ll talk to her in my own time.”
“Fine by me. If you need anything you know where I am.”
The first thing Jewels did as she entered Suzie’s room was look around. She immediately noticed all the movie and theatre posters on the walls, with various playbills stacked in piles on her desk. She also had a CD player with various different soundtracks and albums displayed surrounding it. Everything about the room felt like Suzie. It was barely different to her college dorm, the only difference being that she had learned how to keep her space tidy.
Suzie sat in her bed, pulling up her comforter to cover her legs. Waiting patiently as Jewels looked around, she tried to fight the build up of emotions. The last thing she had ever expected to happen was Jewels being in her apartment, in her room. “I forgot to ask. Do you want a drink or something?” she asked, realising she had forgotten the one rule to having somebody over.
Turning to look at Suzie, Jewels smiled. “I’m okay thank you.”
Happy that she had snooped around enough, Jewels sat down on the end of the bed with her legs crossed, facing Suzie. It felt wrong to not be sat next to her, cuddled up under the comforter. She didn’t think they had ever been in the same bed without that being the case before.
“Why was now the time to reach out? What changed? Because nothing on my side is much different than it has been for the past few years,” Suzie spoke up, still having unanswered questions.
It took Jewels a second to decide how honest to be. She hummed as she chose to give Suzie the truth. “I have been in a relationship. It’s over now, but I felt like it would’ve been disrespectful to reach out to you knowing that my feelings for you never really left me.”
That was exactly what Suzie had been expecting. Just because Suzie had been so affected by everything that happened that she couldn’t really date, it didn’t mean that the same was true for Jewels. Plus with how beautiful Jewels was, anyone would be stupid to pass the opportunity to be with her. She chose to ignore Jewels’ confession of still having feelings for her. She wasn’t even really sure if Jewels knew she said it.
“You said that you wanted to support me so that I could live my dream without worry. Is that still your intention? Or is this now just about making up for everything?”
Jewels sighed at the question. Looking around the room, she took in all of the decor before turning her attention back to Suzie. She was looking at Jewels expectantly. “My intention is for you to take from this what you need. If that’s purely mine and my team’s work then that’s what this is,” she smiled, wanting to show Suzie that she meant what she said.
There was a part of Jewels that had hoped things would go back to how they used to be. That through working together she would be able to win back Suzie. Not that she deserved it, she was aware of that, but Suzie was her weakness. Much like she was Suzie’s, even if Suzie in the current time was reluctant to admit that. It was clear in her expressions, her body language. She was simply sitting in bed, but she was on the right side, space left next to her. If she was completely closed off to Jewels that wouldn’t have been the case.
“I have a selfish request. I think I am owed one,” she spoke up, taking Jewels’ words literally. Jewels instantly nodded, willing to do anything. “Can you help me have a nap right now? I haven’t been able to sleep in forever and nobody has helped in the way that you used to.”
She had phrased it as a selfish request, but to Jewels it meant everything. Even if they weren’t at a place where Suzie was fully open to her, she at least trusted her enough to invite her to be her comfort. To provide her with the warmth and calmness needed to sleep.
Jewels didn’t reply to Suzie in words, instead shuffling up the bed and laying down next to her. Suzie positioned herself so that she was laying down too, her head naturally falling onto Jewels’ chest. “Still struggling with your sleep?” Jewels asked quietly, lightly tracing her thumb over Suzie’s shoulder.
The care in Jewels’ voice was the first thing to begin to reignite Suzie’s feelings for her. Up until this point she had become open to Jewels being in her life, positive memories finally overweighing the negative, but none of the nervousness or urge to kiss her was present. However, laying with her head on Jewels’ chest, with her speaking so calmly and caringly as she used to, made Suzie begin to feel like she had when they first started dating. A feeling she hadn’t felt since they broke up.
“Mhm. No matter what I do, sleep is still my biggest enemy. It’s at the point where when I have meetings Onya will come and wake me up half an hour before I have to leave to make sure I’m up,” Suzie explained sleepily, feeling her mind quieten.
It didn’t take long for her to fall asleep in Jewels’ arms. Countless hours of trying every trick in the book to get herself to sleep ended unsuccessful, but five minutes wrapped up in the comforter with Jewels was all she really needed.