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Sirius always thought that no matter what he would always have his baby brother. He should have known the universe would never let him be happy.
Sirius's first memories are of his mother and father fighting. He was young but he wasn’t stupid. He knew they were fighting about him. From the moment he was born he was a disappointment to his parents. He was apparently a “late bloomer” in many things and that was unacceptable for a Black.
At first he tried to make his parents proud. He did everything they ever asked and never complained. Nothing helped and when Sirius turned two his parents had another baby. At first Sirius was upset and jealous. He knew his parents were only trying to create his replacement. He resented this unborn baby who he hadn’t even met yet. Sometimes his thoughts got scary. Images of him getting rid of the baby and making sure he was the only child his parents had. He always made sure to stay away from his mother and father when he had these thoughts.
His jealousy didn’t last once his baby sister was born. He knew his parents wanted a son not a daughter. They couldn’t replace him if his only sibling was a girl. His baby sister was just as much of a disappointment as him. Sirius was suddenly excited to have a sibling, since it meant he would finally have someone else who understood what he went through. What it felt like to be a disappointment for something you couldn’t help.
The first few years were great, perfect in fact. Sirius took care of his baby sister. He fed her, changed her, bathed her, and even held her as she cried after a bad nightmare. His parents continued to yell but not at each other. They just decided to take their anger out on him and his sister instead.
Their parents of course would never admit to taking their anger out on their children. Instead they hid behind the lie of simply punishing their children. If they spoke out they were punished. If they did even one thing their parents deemed disgraceful they were punished. The punishments were never small, never light. It was curses and being locked in their rooms.
Sirius quickly started to steer his parents' anger towards himself instead of his sister. He never understood why he did it at first. Why he sacrificed his safety for his little sister, why he let himself get punished over and over again so that his sister wouldn’t have to go through the same pain.
He slowly became accustomed to the punishments, not minding them since it meant he at least had his little sister with him. Sirius always thought that when his sister was older she would understand all he had sacrificed for her. All the long nights holding her as she cried or stepping between her and their parents. Taking blow after blow all so she would be ok. Unfortunately for Sirius, nothing goes his way.
As his sister grew she somehow became their parents favorite, and she started doing anything their parents asked her to do. At first Sirius was angry and upset. How could she do this to him? How could she sit there and follow their parents orders after all they did to her? To Sirius? He was furious at his sister, at his parents, and at the world. He hated being here in this house that was suffocating him. Most importantly he hated being alive.
So to say he was relieved and excited to receive his Hogwarts letter would be an understatement. He would finally be able to get away from it all even if it was for a short time.
Away from his family, away from this house that always felt like it was sucking all the joy in his soul. Most importantly he would finally be able to get away from his little sister. His perfect “can do no wrong” little sister. His sister who insisted she follow him around and mock him. His little sister who stole his clothes and tried to cut her hair to be like him. His sister knew that every time she dressed like him, every time she cut her hair to be like him, he would get into trouble. They would tournament and punish him, not her.
He couldn’t wait to get as far away from her as possible.
The night before Sirius was scheduled to leave for Hogwarts Sirius found himself unable to rest. His emotions were all over the place, a mix of excitement and nervousness. Thoughts swarmed his mind all the what ifs and what will happen when.
He was worried his parents wouldn’t let him go. It wouldn’t be the first time they have forced him to stay in his room unable to leave.
He was also worried no one at Hogwarts would like him. He was loud, obnoxious and often said the wrong things at the wrong time. He hoped people would like him but he knew deep down that wasn’t likely. His own parents didn’t like him.
He also hoped he wasn’t sorted into Slytherin. Everyone knew that Slytherins were cruel and mean. Not a single person in that house had turned good.
Sirius would know, his entire family had been sorted into that god forsaken house. It was highly likely he would also be sorted into Slytherin but he could hope. There was a first time for everything, maybe he could be sorted into Gryffindor.
Though Sirius doubted that, Gryffindors were brave and Sirius was far from brave.
“At least I will be away from here.” Sirius whispered to himself, smiling up at the ceiling.
Sirius was pulled from his thoughts by a soft knock at the door. He sat up quickly and covered his mouth to not make a noise. The knock sounded again and Sirius listened carefully.
He knew the difference between how his mother knocked and how his father knocked. His mother's knocks were sharp and short. His father's knocks were hard and fast. This knock wasn’t either of these. Which meant it could only be one person. His little sister.
“What the fuck.” Sirius whispered, getting out of bed and quietly walking to his door. He didn’t want to wake his parents, especially not right before he was supposed to leave for Hogwarts.
He opened his door as quietly as he could. The door let out a small moan and Sirius held his breath terrified his parents would catch him. When he looked at his sister he saw that she had been crying. Tears fell down her pale cheeks as she stared up at him. She was wearing one of his shirts. It was too big for her so it barely fit. It was one of his shirts with a muggle band on it.
She was also wearing one of his shorts that were also too big for her. Their parents will punish him if they find her wearing his clothes.
“What do you want? Do you know what they will do to me if they catch you here? And why the hell are you wearing my clothes?” Sirius whispered glaring at his sister.
She just stared at Sirius with wide teary eyes.
“I just- do you have to go Siri?” she whispered, searching his eyes for something.
He should have felt pity. He should have held her and reassured her everything would be ok.
He didn’t.
At that moment all Sirius could think was how pathetic his little sister sounded. He hated her for it. How could she ask him that? How could she even think about asking him that? He couldn’t stay here. If his parents didn’t kill him he would surely kill himself.
He hated his sister. He hated that she asked and hated that she wanted him to stay. Did she not realize how hard it was for him to be here? Did she not see how much he was suffocating? Did she even care?
“Siri please” she begged, holding tightly onto the hem of Sirius's shirt that she was wearing.
Sirius hated that stupid nickname and hated that she only called him that and never by his name.
“Why? Why would you ask me that?” he asked after a moment.
His sister had the audacity to look confused.
“Siri please I-“ Sirius cut her off glaring at her.
“Stop it, don’t ask me that! I would rather die than be stuck in this stupid house with you, now leave me alone.” he closed the door before she could respond and stormed back into his bed.
He knew he should be kinder to her, less harsh but he was angry and scared. He didn’t know how else to respond other than lashing out and being angry.
He couldn't wait to get out of the house and away from his parents. His sister would be fine, their parents loved her. They didn’t beat her, didn’t lock her away with no food, or scream at her like they did with him. She was everything they wanted Sirius to be.
He fell asleep dreaming of running away and leaving everyone and everything behind, including his little sister.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sirius woke up suddenly to his mother yelling his name.
“SIRIUS ORION BLACK GET UP!” she screamed, her voice ringing through the halls of the house.
Sirius grumbled under his breath and slowly got out of bed. As excited he was to go to Hogwarts, he was not a morning person. He got dressed and went to the bathroom trying to make his long hair look perfect. He went back to his room and grabbed his trunk and grumpily made his way down stairs.
His sister was already waiting for them to leave. Her eyes were puffy from crying and she looked down not bothering to look at Sirius.
Good, he thought. She had finally taken the hint.
Sirius turned and faced his mother. She was not special, she was taller than Sirius but only because he was still a kid. She had jet black hair that she kept in a tight bun, and her face was in a permanent scowl that was always directed at him.
“Let’s go, we can not be late.” their mother stated before turning around and walking out the door. Sirius followed, not bothering to look to see if his sister was behind him. He didn’t care if she was or not.
They arrived at Kings Cross early. Sirius was buzzing with excitement, unable to stand still. This was it. This was the moment he had been waiting for.
His mother grabbed his shoulders tightly and turned him so he was facing her, leaning down so that what she said could only be heard by him.
To anyone watching it looked like a mother lovingly saying goodbye to her son. Sirius wasn’t a fool he knew what this was.
“Listen to me Sirius” she spoke softly, her grip tightened on his shoulders.
“You are a part of the most noble and ancient house of Black, which means when you go to Hogwarts your actions reflect on us and on our family.” Sirius nodded but wasn’t really listening.
He had heard this speech before, and he would hear it again. Honestly, he could probably recite it by now.
“You are also our only heir, which means you have a job to uphold our family values. If I find out that you are smearing our good name with one of your outbursts, there will be consequences.”
Sirius felt a chill crawl down his spine at her threat. He knew what his mother expected, he just didn’t give a shit. Fuck his family values. His parents already saw him as a disappointment, so why would he keep trying?
“Of course mother,” he replied almost robotically. His mother nodded and stood back up and walked over to talk with some other pure bloods whose children were also going to Hogwarts.
Sirius watched as family’s hugged and kissed their kids goodbye. He felt a pang of jealousy. He wanted parents who would hug him and miss him, parents who didn’t beat him with whatever objects they could find or use curses and spells to hurt him.
Sirius was pulled from his thoughts by his sister tugging gently on his robes. He looked down at her and rolled his eyes.
“What is it?” he spat out.
“I’m sorry about last night I didn’t mean to-“ her voice came out small and almost frantic. She stopped herself momentarily to take a breath and gather herself.
For a moment Sirius felt bad for her. He felt bad for wanting to leave her and for hating her so much. He tried to continue to feel bad but all he could think about was why he hated her. She was their parents favorite. He remembered all the times she had watched their parents beat him. All the times their parents used an unforgivable on him as punishment for things he didn’t do. For things she did but blamed him for. It was hard to feel guilty after remembering that.
“I know you do a lot for me, I know it’s wrong for me to want you to stay, but I’m so scared. I know I don’t deserve you, I don’t even deserve to feel this way. It’s just that I don’t want you to hate me anymore.”
Sirius didn’t respond right away. He thought about his sister's words. He looked down at his little sister for a long moment, his guilt coming back. What was he doing? What was he thinking? He had been so caught up in his own anger and his own misery he had completely forgotten that his sister wasn’t him.
She still got in trouble, and was still abused by their parents. The way his parents abused her was different than the way they abused Sirius. Of course she was scared and of course she was crying. Sirius had always protected her, always put himself into the line of fire.
He tried to push his anger down and comfort his little sister. The longer he looked at her the more angry Sirius got. He tried to feel bad but he could only think about all the times his sister watched as their parents used curses on him. Punishments for things he didn’t even do, things she had done and blamed Sirius for. How could he forgive her for that?
“Too bad I hate you, and I can’t wait to get away from you.” Sirius spat glaring at his sister.
It made him angry, made him want to scream and throw something. He knew he shouldn’t be taking his anger out on his baby sister but he couldn’t do anything else. He had no idea how to communicate what he was feeling to her without lashing out. He had no place else to put his anger other than his sister.
He was snapped out of his train of thought by his sister hugging him tightly. Sirius had to take a step back to make sure they both didn’t fall and cause a scene. He didn’t know why he was being hugged by his sister after he had been so mean to her just a few moments before.
“What are you doing?” Sirius whispered looking around to make sure their mother wasn’t watching.
“I’m sorry Sirius, I don’t know what I did, but I’m sorry! Please forgive me, please don’t be mad at me anymore.” his little sister begged burying her face into Sirius.
Sirius didn’t respond right away. He thought about his sister's words. He looked down at her for a long moment, his guilt coming back.
He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do; he was never good at comforting people especially when it came to his little sister.
“I’m sorry I was even born. I'm sorry our parents hate us, just please don’t hate me anymore.” Sirius didn’t know what to say.
He hated his sister, hated everything about her. But standing here in the middle of kings cross holding his terrified little sister who just told him she was sorry she was even born.
No
Not her, she can’t think like that, she's just a kid. His baby sister. Sirius needed to get his shit together and stop taking his anger out on her. He needed her to know she could trust him. Even if Sirius doesn’t trust himself, she needs to know she will always have him.
“Listen, I’m not mad at you. I’m just angry at our parents, angry at the universe, but never you. I need you to know that no matter what I say or what I do I am never mad at you.”
Sirius said sternly, holding his baby sister tightly in his arms. He heard her let out a small noise as she buried her face into his chest. Always his baby sister.
After a moment of standing there holding onto each other Sirius had to let go. He had to go to Hogwarts. He had to leave her.
“I have to go, but I promise you I will write to you everyday. Next year you will be with me and I’ll make sure to protect you.” Sirius spoke, cracking at the thought of leaving his baby sister alone in that house.
“Ok, I love you Siri. I’ll see you over break.” His sister looked up and smiled at him, her cheeks stained with tears.
Sirius smiled and gave his sister one more hug before getting onto the train. He was going to be better, was going to do better for himself and for his sister. He wasn’t going to disappoint her like he has disappointed everyone else.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sirius was excited. How could he not be? Today was his baby sister's first day at Hogwarts. He could finally get her out of that house and protect her.
Sirius hoped she would be sorted into Gryffindor alongside him. That way he could be with her and make sure she was safe. He wouldn’t be mad if she got sorted into Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw, as long as she wasn’t sorted into Slytherin. Anything but Slytherin. Sirius couldn’t protect her if she was sorted into that house, and Sirius had to protect her; it was his job as her older brother to protect her from everything and everyone. Including the people in Slytherin.
He has already failed at protecting her from their parents and from his own anger, he could not fail her again. He doesn’t know if he could forgive himself if he failed her again.
Sirius stood next to his sister and mother at kings cross. They were early like usual and Sirius could see their mother furiously telling his sister not to disappoint her. She was probably going off about their family values and bla bla bla. Sirius just rolled his eyes and turned to scan the crowd.
He was looking for his friends and for his Moony, his beautiful,amazing Moony. Sirius couldn’t wait to be in his Moonys arms and kiss him. Kissing Remus was the best thing in the world. He couldn’t do it here, not in front of his mother. He would have to wait but it would be worth it.
It was easy to find Remus in the crowd; he was tall with curly brown hair that sat on top of his head in just the right way. Sirius was so in love with the man. He saw Remus standing against a wall scanning the crowd looking for Sirius.
Remus was absolutely breathtaking. Sirius still couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that Remus Lupin was dating him. He didn’t deserve it, he didn't deserve Remus. He must have felt Sirius' eyes on him because he turned to meet Sirius' gaze. Sirius wanted to melt on the spot. Remus could ask him to do anything and Sirius would do it without question. One look from Remus is all he needs.
Remus smiled at Sirius waving him over. What Sirius would give to be able to run over and kiss him. He couldn’t, not now anyway, but one day he would be able to love Remus openly. Sirius noticed Remus eyes slowly scan over his body. To some people it would look like he was simply checking Sirius out, but Sirius knew what he was doing. It’s the same thing he did anytime Sirius came back after being with his family. He’s checking for injuries.
He’s making sure Sirius is ok.
Sirius was brought out of his thoughts by his sister standing next to him and grabbing his hand tightly. He turned to see his mother glaring daggers at him. If looks could kill Sirius would be dead. He would have been dead a long time ago. He just rolled his eyes and ignored his mother. She didn’t matter anymore, not when he was at Hogwarts.
Sirius turned to his sister and gave her a reassuring smile. They were going to be ok. They were safe now Hogwarts was safe.
“Alright, let’s go!” Sirius beamed as he and his sister walked over to Remus.
“Moony! Hi! How was your summer!” Sirius yelled, letting go of his sister's hand to hug Remus.
Remus was amazing at everything including hugs.
“Are you hurt?” Remus whispered just so Sirius could hear.
“I’m fine Moony” Sirius said, pulling away to smile up at him.
Remus didn’t seem entirely convinced, but Sirius didn’t want to talk about his summer or the way his parents had hurt him. He wanted to protect his sister.
“Remus, this is my sister. She will be joining us finally!” Sirius exclaimed excitedly.
His sister didn’t say anything, just waved and stood behind Sirius.
“It’s nice to meet you, Sirius has told us a lot about you.” Remus said, his voice smooth and caring.
Merlin, Sirius was in love with him. His sister nodded but didn’t say much. That was ok, she would have plenty of time to warm up to Remus.
James and Peter found them a moment later and the group went onto the train. Sirius’s sister seemed to warm up a bit more around James, and Sirius couldn’t be happier. He was glad his sister was getting along with his friends and even more glad that they were getting along well with her. Remus and Sirius sat next to each other holding hands. Sirius smiled, everything was going great. He wished he could freeze time. He wished his life could be this amazing all the time. Little did he know life was about to get so much worse.
Once the group got to Hogwarts they parted ways with Sirius' sister. He gave her one last hug and went with his boyfriend and best friends to the dining hall to watch the sorting ceremony. Sirius felt his nerves come back. He hoped and prayed his baby sister wouldn’t be sorted into Slytherin.
Remus grabbed his hand and held it tightly as they both watched his sister walk over to the sorting hat. At that moment time seemed to freeze. Sirius held his breath, he didn't move, he didn't breathe. He just watched.
“Not slytherin anything but -“
“SLYTHERIN”
Sirius felt his heart break as the world came crashing back onto him.
No
No
No
No
No
This couldn’t be happening, this shouldn’t be happening. This isn’t the way this was supposed to go. Sirius couldn’t breath, he couldn't even think. It was all too much and too loud for him to handle. For him to understand. Why was this happening? What did he do wrong?
What god or divine power did he piss off in a past life to deserve this?
Sirius was suddenly aware of everything. He was aware of the clothes on his body and the eyes of everyone in the dining hall burning into his soul. He quickly stood up, needing to get away. He saw his sister, and she looked terrified. Sirius couldn’t leave her but he couldn’t save her.
He had failed.
He couldn’t save her, so he ran.
He ran and he ran and he didn’t stop running until he was safely in his dorm. He couldn’t breath, his chest felt tight, and he felt like he was going to die.
He sat down on his bed and began to cry, gasping for air. He needed air, he couldn’t breathe. The room around him was spinning. He was going to die. It felt like he was going to die.
Sirius didn’t want to die, he wanted to scream, he wanted to throw something. He wanted to break something. He wanted to hurt someone.
At that moment Remus walked in. His Moony.
“Hey, breath. It’s going to be ok.” Remus spoke softly walking over to Sirius.
Of fucking course Remus would be here. Of course he would say that.
“Fuck off, everything is not going to be ok.” Sirius spat, turning to face Remus.
He was being mean again. He knew he wasn’t being fair; he wasn't mad at Remus or his sister. He was mad at the world, mad at his parents, mad at himself. He shouldn’t be taking his anger out on Remus, he had done nothing wrong. Remus was always nice to him, always loving and patient with him. Remus was a perfect boyfriend and Sirius was a terrible one.
Sirius didn’t deserve to be loved by him.
“Pads, you’re upset. I get that and I know it’s hard but you can’t keep doing this. It's not fair to anyone.” Remus was right.
Remus was always right. Sirius should apologize. He should get down on his hands and knees and beg Remus to forgive him. To tell him how he’s just angry and doesn’t know how to cope with it in a healthy way.
Sirius never did the right thing in the end. He always did the wrong thing. He always was a disappointment.
“I said fuck off Remus! You don’t know anything, why are you here anyways? Did my sister send you up? Why won’t you leave me alone? Why won’t anyone leave me alone?!” Sirius screamed getting into Remus’s face.
Remus didn’t move, he didn't even flinch. He just stood there taking it in. Letting Sirius yell at him. He just stood there and watched Sirius, giving him a sad and disappointed look.
“Sirius, listen to me very carefully.” Remus finally spoke, placing two hands on Sirius's shoulders.
“I am not going to sit here and let you take your anger and frustrations out on me. It’s not fair to me and it’s not fair to you.” Remus' voice was soft and calm.
Sirius hated it.
“You are not mad at me, you are not even mad at your sister, who by the way started crying when you stormed off and is sitting at the Slytherin table completely inconsolable.” Sirius glared at Remus who remained calm and collected.
He didn’t lash out at Sirius, he didn't tell Sirius what a disappointment he was. He was just calm. Sirius couldn’t stand it; he didn't know how to react to calm.
“So, what do I care? Let her cry.” Sirius didn’t mean that, he doesn’t know why he said it.
He doesn’t know why he’s angry. He’s forgotten why he was even angry in the first place. He pulled himself away from Remus and sat down on his bed. Remus followed him sitting down next to him.
“Pads, you love your sister more than anything in this world. You're not mad at her, besides she isn’t you. She can’t do the things you do. You have always protected her, she doesn’t know how to be you.” Sirius knew he was right, Remus was always right. He was scared that if he went down there now, feeling like this, he would only make things worse.
“Listen,” Remus said, “you need to go talk to her, let her know you're not mad, and that she still has you. Right now she feels terrible about something that isn’t even her fault.”
Sirius sighed leaning against Remus.
“I can’t. Not now anyway, not when I’m like this. I can’t take it out on her.” Sirius mumbled looking at the floor.
Remus didn’t reply right away. He just sat there with Sirius for a moment before getting up and bringing Sirius with him.
“Alright, come with me. I think I have a way to help.” Sirius just looked up confused before eventually following Remus.
He led them to the bathroom and Remus left for a moment before coming back with a bag of ice. Sirius wasn’t sure what the ice was for, but assumed it was some muggle thing.
“Alright, you are going to take some ice and throw it into the sink. Just take all your anger and frustrations out on it, alright?”
Sirius laughed for a moment because seriously? Ice? How the hell was that going to help? Remus just sighed and handed him the bag.
“Listen, I know it sounds stupid but it helps, I promise. My dad taught it to me and now I’m teaching it to you. Just give it a go, ok?” Remus looked so sure it would work, so Sirius grabbed some ice and faced the sink.
He really didn’t think it would work. He honestly thought Remus had lost his mind for a moment, but as he started throwing the ice, thinking about all the shitty things in his life, he felt his anger melt away and become more bearable. Remus Lupin was amazing.
Remus smiled once Sirius was done giving him a smug look. “Feeling better now?” He asked.
Sirius laughed nodding “I feel a lot better, thank you Moony. I have to go see my sister, but I’ll meet up with you and the others once I’m done.”
Remus nodded, walking over to kiss Sirius. Kissing Remus was his favorite thing. He could kiss him all day if he was able to, but he couldn't. He had to go see his sister.
Sirius parted from Remus with a big smile on his face. “I’m sorry for being a dick earlier, I was mad and took it out on you. It was wrong and I’m sorry”
Remus just shrugged, smiling down at Sirius. “It’s ok, I know you have a hard time with your anger. That’s why I gave you the ice trick. I love you, and I will see you once you get back.”
Sirius nodded and gave him one last kiss before leaving the bathroom and heading back towards where he left his sister. He didn’t even make it half way before he was stopped by Professor McGonagall. She seemed relieved to see Sirius, and had a worried look on her face.
“Sirius, I need you to follow me to Dumbledore’s office immediately.” Sirius felt tense. Did he do something wrong? He hadn’t even done any pranks yet.
Sirius followed McGonagall to Dumbledore’s office feeling anxious and nervous. He wasn’t sure what was going on and he hated that feeling. When they walked into Dumbledore office the first thing Sirius noticed was his baby sister sitting in a chair crying.
Sirius felt his heart break. He had done this, he had caused this. He was going to fix it. Sirius ran over to her and hugged her tightly. She hugged back crying into his chest.
“I’m so sorry I stormed out. I’m not mad at you I promise.” Sirius gently rubbed her back trying to calm her down.
“What happened?” Sirius asked, looking up at Dumbledore.
“It seems your sister isn’t really a sister.” Dumbledore replied with an odd twinkle in his eye.
Sirius hated it.
“What are you even talking about? Of course she’s my sister, what is going on?” Sirius asked again, anger growing.
“Sirius, I couldn’t get into my dorm, it wouldn't let me in.” she whispered, holding onto him tighter.
Sirius looked at his sister confused.
“What? Why? What happened?” Sirius wasn’t sure what was going on, all he knew was his sister was sad and he needed to fix it.
“You see the girls' dorm is charmed so that no boys may enter.” Dumbledore spoke, smiling at the two siblings.
“I know that already, what does this have to do with her?” Sirius asked, starting to get frustrated.
“Siri, I’m not a girl.” his sister whispered looking up at him.
Sirius froze for a moment. Everything seemed to click into place. All the times he had cut his hair. All the times he stole Sirius clothes. He wasn’t trying to make fun of or get Sirius in trouble. He was a boy and wanted to be him. Sirius held onto his baby brother tightly.
“Oh, it’s ok, it’s ok. I’ve always wanted a baby brother, yah know.” Sirius jokes.
He was lying, he never wanted a brother but this wasn’t about him. His brother laughed and let go of Sirius wiping his tear stained cheeks.
“Alright, listen, Dumbledore thank you for coming and getting me-“ Sirius was cut off by the sound of his parents opening the door.
Sirius froze.
No
Dumbledore stood up and smiled, greeting their parents. Sirius couldn’t hear what they were saying. He just slowly turned to his brother.
He already told their parents.
His brother looked at him with a terrified expression. Sirius needed to protect him. He had to protect him.
“Sirius, leave us and your brother, we have lots to discuss.” their mother spoke, placing a hand firmly on his little brother's shoulder.
No
Something was wrong. Sirius didn’t like the way she said brother. Or the way she was so calm about everything. Sirius couldn’t leave, not now anyway. He hated that his mother didn’t look upset. Hated that she looked so calm.
“Siri, I’m scared.” his brother whispered just loud enough for Sirius to hear.
“Sirius, listen to your mother and get out.” their father grumbled.
Sirius felt torn. He couldn’t leave his brother but his parents were able to punish Sirius for anything he did. Sirius wanted to disappear and wanted to be anywhere but here. He couldn’t leave, he had to be brave and his little brother needed him.
Sirius could be brave for his brother. He could stay for his brother.
“I’m not going anywhere, this is a family matter, and I’m family.” his mother seemed taken aback by his refusal to leave.
His mother glared at him and he knew what it meant. He would be paying the price once they got home. Sirius shivered at the thought of his mother’s punishments.
“Don’t you worry my boy, I will have a chat with your parents and brother. You go back to your dorm, I'm sure you still have to unpack.” Dumbledore spoke, giving Sirius a reassuring smile.
Sirius felt his blood freeze. It was one thing to go up against his parents, it was another to go up against Dumbledore. Sirius slowly turned his gaze to his baby brother. He must have thought the same thing as Sirius because he gave Sirius a sad smile and nodded.
He was letting Sirius leave.
Sirius hated him for it.
Sirius left.
Sirius doesn’t remember what happened next. His mind is foggy and cloudy with images of what their parents will do to his baby brother. He doesn’t remember walking into the common room. He doesn’t remember yelling at a first year who accidentally ran into him. He doesn’t remember Remus grabbing him and taking him into their dorm. He doesn’t even remember Remus gently laying them down and holding him as he cried. He doesn’t remember falling asleep in Remus' arms.
He doesn’t remember anything.
All he remembers is waking up to his baby brother shaking him awake. His brother had a huge smile on his face.
He was alive.
He was ok!
He was smiling?
Sirius was confused. Why was he smiling? Something was wrong, Sirius knew, he felt it deep in his soul. He sat up quickly.
“Hey, what happened? Are you ok?” Sirius asked, grabbing his brother's arms.
He had to make sure he was real. Had to make sure he wasn’t dreaming.
“Siri, you won’t believe it! Mother and father said it was ok! They said it’s ok that I’m trans!” His brother exclaimed, jumping up and down like a child.
“What?” Sirius asked, genuinely confused.
This couldn’t be correct. This is wrong. He’s dreaming. He has to be. Their mother and father were many things but accepting was not one of them. If their parents were accepting he wouldn’t have to hide Remus. He would be able to kiss Remus whenever he wanted.
“Woah slow down, what do you mean they accept you?” His brother stopped confused.
“They said it was ok that I’m a boy! I’m allowed to cut my hair and everything Siri, isn’t this exciting!?” His little brother replied, trying to get Sirius excited for him.
Siris wasn’t excited. He was confused. Sirius couldn’t understand what was going on. Why did their parents suddenly become super accepting and loving?
“Mom even said she was proud of me!” His brother said, smiling up at the ceiling.
Sirius froze. He finally understood what was going on. He realized why their parents were so ok with his baby brother being trans. It had nothing to do with supporting him. It had nothing to do with loving him.
“Oh god.” Sirius mumbled standing up.
“Siri? What’s wrong, are you ok?” His brother asked worriedly, following Sirius off the bed.
Sirius shook his head. He wasn't ok. He remembered why their parents had his brother in the first place.
To replace Sirius.
“They are using you.” Sirius said slowly, closing his eyes and trying to hold back his tears.
His brother looked hurt by this response. Sirius hated being the reason for any of his pain.
“What? No, Sirius, you aren’t listening, they accept me, really! Oh, I have a new name now! Regulus!”
His brother replied slowly, walking over to Sirius.
Regulus, his baby brother.
“Like the Star?” Sirius asked slowly, taking a deep breath.
He needed to stay calm, he couldn't lash out in anger. Not his brother. Not at his Regulus.
“Yep! The second brightest star! And the heart of the lion.” Regulus happily explained.
Sirius felt his breath hitch. His heart was breaking and the worst part is Regulus had no idea what their parents were doing. For all he knew their parents had simply had a change of heart.
“Regulus, listen I need you to go, ok?” Sirius spoke, voice cracking with emotion. He couldn't think and he needed a moment to think.
His brother didn’t seem to realize this.
“Sirius, why aren’t you excited for me? They accept me! If they accept me, maybe they will accept you! Then you can-“ Sirius cut him off before he could finish.
Sirius was not going to let himself believe for even a second that he could love Remus the way he wanted. He wanted to love Remus loud and freely, but he couldn’t. He would never be able to. He had long ago accepted this fact. It’s time Regulus learned as well.
“Regulus, listen to me, they don’t accept you. Even if they did, they will never accept me. Now please get the fuck out of my dorm.” Sirius spat out.
His statement came out harsher than he meant but he really needed Regulus to leave. He needed a moment to himself. He needed space. He could feel himself start to shake. He wasn’t able to breathe. The room was spinning and it was too loud. He was about to snap and he didn’t want to snap in front of Regulus.
“Regulus we can talk later just, please leave.” Sirius tried again, trying not to look his brother in the eyes.
This time it was his brother's turn to get angry.
“What is your problem? This is exciting. Why can’t you be happy for me?” Regulus yelled, taking a step towards Sirius.
Sirius took a step back putting his hands up. He didn’t want Regulus to get close. Not when he was so close to lashing out. He needed someone to help him.
“Regulus, please, just for a moment. I just-“ he was cut off by his brother.
“Why are you doing this?” His brother asked, voice breaking.
It broke his heart hearing his baby brother hurt so much. It hurt worse knowing it was his fault. Sirius wanted nothing more than to wrap his brother in a hug and never let go.
“Regulus, please, just get out.” Sirius said, trying to lead his brother out.
His brother stopped for a moment, eyes widening.
“You're jealous,” he whispered, eyes filling with tears.
No, that wasn’t right, he wasn’t jealous.
“What? No, Regulus, you can’t really think that low of me?”
He wasn’t jealous, he was just scared. Scared of what their parents would do to Sirius now that they have a perfect son. Scared what they will do to Regulus in order to keep him in line.
His brother shook his head, tears now falling down his cheeks. Sirius hated that he was crying.
He hated that he was the reason he was crying.
“That has to be it, mother warned me you would never accept me. I didn't believe her, but now I see it!” His brother yelled, voice shaking.
Sirius was shaking. His brother can’t really believe what their mother has said. Not after everything she did. Not after all that Sirius has sacrificed for him.
No, this can’t be happening.
“You’re mad that mother and father love me more than you! You’re mad that I got sorted into Slytherin!” Regulus yelled, face turning red.
Sirius couldn’t breathe. He felt his anger grow. He needed to get away before he did something he would regret.
“I can’t believe this, you promised me you would be there for me! Why can’t you just accept me? Why don’t you love me?” Regulus got closer to Sirius' face.
“Regulus ,I love you, and I’m so proud of you. Just please give me a moment.” Sirius begged, feeling tears forming in his own eyes.
“No, no, I’m done. You are a terrible brother, you know that? No wonder mother and father hate you! You are nothing but a huge dissa-“
Sirius didn’t let him finish.
He couldn’t listen to his baby brother call him that.
No, Sirius wouldn’t let him finish.
So Sirius did the one thing he promised to never do.
He hit him
He kept hitting him
Sirius didn’t stop and he didn’t want to stop. He wanted to keep going and wanted to hurt his brother.
Sirius wanted Regulus to feel the amount of pain he felt. He wanted him to feel it and finally see how much Sirius had sacrificed for him. He wanted Regulus to suffer the way he had suffered. He would have kept going too if Remus hadn’t stopped him.
“Pads, stop.” Remus said in a firm voice.
Sirius didn’t want to stop, he wanted to keep going. He tried to keep going.
“Sirius, stop!” Remus yelled.
That got Sirius to stop. Remus never yelled not at Sirius. Remus was mad. Sirius made him mad. Sirius hated making his Moony mad.
Sirius stopped and slowly turned to Remus. He had a sad disappointed look in his eyes. Sirius felt like a failure. Sirius looked over at his brother to see James holding him close to his chest looking very upset at Sirius.
Sirius felt his world falling apart.
And it was all his fault
“Sirius, what the fuck is wrong with you?” James yelled standing up and picking his brother up with him.
Sirius couldn’t answer, he couldn't even look away. All he could do was stare at his brother. His brother who was bleeding and bruised in his best friend's arms. All because of him.
Sirius turned to Remus grabbing his arms terrified.
“Moony, get him out. Please?” Sirius begged looking into Remus eyes.
Remus looked down at him for a long moment before sighing and walking over to James. Sirius couldn’t hear what they were saying. His ears were ringing too loud.
He hurt his brother.
He made his brother bleed.
He was a monster.
He was just like his parents.
Sirius couldn’t stay here not after what he had done.
So, Sirius did what he did best.
Sirius ran.
He wasn’t sure where he was going or what he would do. All he could think about was the look on James' face, and his brother's bloody and bruised face. Sirius thought of them as he ran.
He ran and he ran until he found himself on top of the astronomy tower.
Sirius sat at the edge of the tower kicking his feet and staring at the ground below. He felt bad for punching his brother. He tried to get away and tried to not lash out. He tried so hard and yet he failed. He was a failure.
Sirius watched as teardrops fell from his face and onto the ground below. He didn’t even realize he had started crying.
Why did he keep fucking up? Why didn’t Regulus just let him walk away? Why did Regulus believe their mother over him?
So many questions and not enough answers.
Sirius would never get those answers now because Regulus hated him. There was no going back on this. Their mother would of course be so happy to find out about this fight. She will use it as another reason on why Sirius is a transphobic twat that doesn’t actually care about Regulus.
Sirius hated himself and kept letting his anger consume him. He hated that no matter how hard he tried he still continued to fuck up. He just wanted to be happy; he didn't want to be angry anymore.
Sirius looked down at the ground again. He wondered what would happen if he jumped. Would anyone miss him? His parents wouldn't, they would probably throw a party to celebrate his death. Regulus and James definitely wouldn’t they hate him now. They wouldn’t care if he lived or died.
Sirius thought back to Remus.
Would Remus miss him?
He thought back to the disappointment on his face when he had to pull Siris off of his brother. He thought back to the fact that Remus let him run off and didn’t fight for him to stay.
Did Remus hate Sirius too? If Remus hated him then what was the point? Why was he still here? Why was he still trying?
Sirius stood up and looked over the edge. It would be so easy, so simple just one step and it would all be over. One step and he would finally stop making mistakes. He would no longer be a disappointment.
You can’t be disappointment if you're dead.
Sirius closed his eyes and took the step.
Before he could even finish taking that one step two arms grabbed him and pulled him away from the ledge.
Sirius wanted to scream he couldn’t fail at this he needed to succeed.
“No please let go let me do this please” Sirius cried out trying to get away from whoever was stopping him.
The mystery person didn’t say anything, just held Sirius and didn’t let him go. He wished they would let him go.
“Please I don’t want to be angry anymore please let me go” Sirius begged, clawing at the arms holding him.
Stopping him from doing what he desperately wanted to do. Sirius kept fighting till he felt his body grow tired and he passed out.
He had failed again.
He really was a disappointment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sirius hated family dinners. He was forced to wear stuffy clothes and be around people he didn’t even like. It was cold out and Sirius was in his sixth year at Hogwarts. His brother Regulus was now in his fifth year. The two brothers didn't talk anymore, not after their big fight at the beginning of Regulus first year. They were both still angry at each other both too stubborn to forgive the other. Regulus was convinced Sirius did not accept him and was furious with the betrayal. Sirius was upset that his own brother would think he would think so low of him.
Their mother of course had been thrilled with the news of the fight. She had used it constantly to continue to tear the brothers apart. She had also been shaping and forming Regulus into the perfect heir. Sirius was only able to watch. Unable to save his brother.
Regulus still had no clue what was going on. He was so busy wrapped in the idea of their parents loving and accepting him that he didn’t see behind their mothers cruel intentions. Sirius had tried talking to Regulus to explain his concerns. He was only ever met with closed doors or another pointless fight that ended the same. Sirius hated Regulus for being so dumb and naive. He hated himself more for not being able to stop this all from happening. Sirius had completely given up on saving his brother. He had tried again and again but if Regulus didn’t want to be saved then Sirius wasn’t going to waste his own time. James had been upset with Sirius when he had told him that he was giving up on his brother. James didn’t understand he didn’t know his brother, not the way Sirius knew him.
His brother was gone.
It was all his fault.
Sirius sat at the long table surrounded by family who hated him and food he wasn’t going to eat. He gave a quick glance at his brother who was promptly ignoring him. Regulus did that a lot now. These family dinners used to be bearable for Sirius. He had always had Regulus and his older cousin Andy to help him get through them. Now he had no one. Regulus hated him and his cousin Andy was disowned and was no longer a part of the family. Sirius wished his parents would disown him; he was tired of being a part of this stupid family. These dinners used to be tolerable but now they just sucked. He didn’t want to be here anymore; he wanted to be anywhere but here. He couldn’t leave not now anyway. So he would wait. He could wait just a little longer.
Sirius was lost in his own head when he felt a sharp kick to his leg. He snapped out of his thoughts to see everyone staring at him. His mother looked pissed off, which wasn't new.
‘Well boy? Are you going to do it or not?”
Sirius had no idea what his mother was talking about. He hadn’t been listening to what she asked. So he just sat there staring at her in silence. He wasn’t going to agree to anything she said.
“Sirius, will you take the mark and join the dark lord?” His mother finally spoke annoyed she had to repeat herself.
Sirius wanted to laugh. Him join the dark lord? It would go against everything Sirius stood for. Sirius would be betraying his friends. He would be betraying Moony. Sirius would rather die than betray his Moony.
“Hell no I’m not joining that lunatic” Sirius yelled standing up.
His mothers eyes widened with a rage he had never quite seen from her. Sirius wouldn’t back down not from this. This was important to him; he wouldn't do it. He stood there staring down his mother terrified. He could do this for his friends for his Moony. Sirius let his eyes wonder to Regulus who was staring at their mother with a scared look on his face. Sirius wanted to go over and comfort his brother but he didn’t. He wasn’t given the time to.
He was suddenly on the floor in pain. He was familiar with this kind of pain. His mother was using the crucio curse on him. He knew his mothers magic well and knew this curse like the back of his hand. It didn’t make the curse hurt any less. He screamed out in pain as his mother continued to hurt him. He had denied her and he was being punished. He could hear his other family members whisper and laugh at him. He thinks some of them joined in. He wasn't sure all he knew was he was in pain and he wanted it to stop. He begged for it to stop.
He never begged but in that moment he begged his mother to stop.
She didn’t stop.
“You will take the mark Sirius” His mother spoke firmly.
Her voice sent chills down Sirius's spine. He was unable to speak to busy screaming out in pain. He shook his head no. His mother repeated her statement telling him he would take the mark. He refused every time. Sirius wonderd when she would stop when all of this would stop. Then suddenly and without warning the pain is gone. He can still feel the echoes of the curse flowing through his body but the curse was no longer being used. Sirius felt his eyes close and body relax. He didn’t know why his mother stopped or why the room was suddenly so quiet but he didn’t care. He let himself slip out of consciousness wondering if he was simply dying.
When Sirius woke up he was in a hospital bed. James was sitting next to him with a worried look in his eyes.
“What happened?” Sirius asked, his voice worn and tired.
“Oh thank merlin you are awake! I don’t know you just arrived at my house through the flo and passed out in my living room. I have been so worried, are you ok?” James asked frantically checking Sirius over.
Sirius was suddenly reminded of what happened at his family dinner. He felt tears start to fall down his cheeks and he began to cry. Jamed looked worried and tired asking what was wrong. Sirius just hugged him and cried on his shoulder.
Sirius never went back to 12 Grimmauld Place after that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sirius paced back and forth in the empty hallway. Remus was with Madam Pomfrey since it was the full moon tonight. Sirius couldn’t sit still. His mind was too loud and too much for him to handle. Ever since his parents disowned him Sirius has been living with James and his parents. James had tried to convince Sirius that they needed to get Regulus out as well. Tried telling him that if they did what they did to Sirius who knows what they would do to Regulus. James didn’t get it and Sirius didn’t care to explain.
Ever since that night Sirius hasn’t been able to calm down. His body was in a constant state of fight or flight even though he was safe his mind and body seemed to agree that he wasn’t safe. He kept lashing out at students, teachers, and even his friends. He’s lashed out at Remus more times than he can count. Sirius hated that he kept lashing out. Hates that his anger was becoming too much to handle. His friends tried to help but there seemed to be nothing that could help him. Sirius was feeling so much all at once and it was too overwhelming.
Remus had suggested Sirius talk to someone about how he was feeling but Sirius refused. He didn’t need anyone to know the thoughts in his head. Besides this would all blow over soon enough. He will get over what happened to him and his mind and body will finally be convinced that he wasn’t in danger anymore. Sirius just needed to wait it out.
Sirius continued to pace the hallway. He was upset again and was trying to calm down before the full moon. He didn't want padfoot to stress moony out.
“Siri” A small voice spoke from down the hallway.
Sirius looked up and saw his baby brother walking towards him.
Not him.
He can’t face his brother not now , not when he can barely keep himself calm. He’s going to lash out again and he doesn’t want to lash out at his brother. He wants his brother to trust him again if he lashes out now Regulus will never forgive him.
Sirius will never forgive himself if he lashes out now.
“Reggie listen I can’t talk now can this wait” Sirius says taking a slow step away from his brother.
His brother looked hurt and shook his head.
“No this can’t wait it’s really important Sirius please I need you” Regulus replied tears welling up in his eyes.
Why did he have to be so stubborn? Why couldn’t this wait until tomorrow when Remus could be there to keep Sirius from lashing out at Regulus. Sirius could feel the familiar feeling of anger bubble up inside him. He needed to get away.
“Regulus please I’m begging you not right now” This seemed to only piss Regulus off more.
“Why does this have to wait? Am I really not important enough for you?” Regulus yelled getting closer to Sirius.
“What no Reggie you are so important to me more than you even know I just now is a bad time I can’t deal-” Regulus cut him off before he could finish.
“Oh so I’m too much for you to deal with now? Well fine I’ll leave you alone don’t worry I promise that after today you won’t have to deal with me ever again” Regulus screamed face red with anger.
Sirius tried stopping him but it was too late. Regulus walked away and all Sirius could do was watch. Sirius felt tears fall down his cheeks. He knew his brother meant what he said. Sirius was never going to see his baby brother again.
He lost his brother and it was all his fault.
Sirius felt angry and confused. Why did Regulus always fight him? Why couldn’t he listen? All he wanted was for his baby brother to trust him again. Was that really too much to ask for? Sirius tried to reason with Regulus and tried to explain that he wasn’t in the right headspace for a conversion with anyone right now. Why couldn’t he listen? Why won't he just listen.
Sirius paced through the hallway unsure what to do. It was almost time for Remus to transform and Sirius had promised Remus to never miss a moon, As Siriuis was walking he ran into Snivellus. The last person he wanted to see.
“Get lost Snivellus I really don’t want to deal with you right now” Sirius huffed, turning around and walking the opposite direction of the annoying boy.
Snivellus didn’t seem to take the hint and followed closely behind Sirius like some annoying shadow.
“What are you doing up this late?” Snivellus asked, sneering at Sirius.
Sirius ignored him and kept walking. He wasn’t going to engage, he will just walk back to his dorm and calm down. He will try to find Regulus later and hopefully fix their relationship. Unfortunately Snivellus was insistent on following Sirius. Asking him question after question throwing insult after insult. Sirius did his best to ignore him. He really did. He tried to keep his anger down but the more Snivellus talked the more Sirius wanted to explode.
“No wonder your parents disowned you I would to you are a pathetic excuse of a human” Snivullus sneered an evil glint in his eyes.
Sirius saw red. He quickly turned around grabbing Snivellus by the robes and pinning him to the nearest wall.
“What did you just say to me?” Sirius asked, sounding not like himself.
Snivullus only smirked, causing Sirius to get even more furious. He wanted to wipe that smirk off his stupid face. He wanted to hurt Snape the way Sirius was hurting. He wanted everyone to feel the pain he was feeling.
Sirius should have walked away. He should have put Snape down and walked away. But then again Sirius never did the right thing.
“Don’t go digging your nose in other people’s business you might not like what you find” Sirius sneered leaning in close to Snivullus' disgusting face.
“Where do you and your little boyfriends go every full moon?”
Sirius should have walked away. He should have ignored him and walked away. He shouldn’t have ever answered the question. Sirius never should have told Snape.
He did.
The one secret Remus trusted Sirius with and he told Snape.
Sirius doesn’t remember what happens after that. He comes in and out floating in his own body. He doesn't remember telling McGonagall about what he had done. He doesn’t remember telling James. He doesn’t remember listening to James yell at him as he quickly grabbed his shoes and wand. He doesn’t even remember lying in bed and falling asleep. Sirius knew when he woke up Remus would hate him. In the morning he would lose the one good thing in his life.
Sirius fell asleep dreaming of the moon hoping it would stay for just a bit longer.
Sirius woke up to the feeling of someone shaking him awake. He opened his eyes and quickly sat up. He was met with a very angry Remus glaring down at him.
“Moony?” Sirius mumbled confused and still a bit groggy from sleep. For a brief moment Sirius forgot all about last night.
He only forgot for a moment.
He wished he could forget about last night for longer.
“Don’t you dare Moony me what the hell were you thinking” Remus yelled tears filling with tears.
He looked hurt and betrayed.
It was all Sirius’ fault.
“Remus I’m so sorry” Sirius reached out to try and comfort Remus.
He hated seeing Remus hurt and hated even more that it was his own fault. Remus took a step back shaking his head. Sirius didn’t want to lose Remus; he was the best thing to ever happen to Sirius. He was the only good thing in his life right now and Sirius didn't want to lose that.
Sirius needed Remus to forgive him.
“You're sorry? That's just great! Sorry fixes everything” Remus yelled throwing his hands up in the air in frustration.
His voice was laced in venom and each word sent daggers into Sirius’ heart. He hated this he needed to fix this.
“I know my apologies mean nothing but please don’t be mad at me” Sirius begged, staring up at his best friend terrified.
Terrified that he was going to lose him.
“No don’t you don’t get to ask me that not after what you did I’m not mad Sirius i’m livid.” Remus turned away from Sirius fists balled up into tight fists.
Sirius could feel his eyes start to water. Remus never got mad. He was always so calm and sweet Sirius hated that Remus was mad at him. Sirius wiped his eyes and forced his tears down. He couldn’t cry not now he needed Remus to forgive him first.
“Remus please I’m sorry I was angry and stressed and it was stupid and-” Remus cut him off.
“You were angry? The great Sirius Black was angry and had to take everyone else down with him” Sirius sucked in a breath feeling his heart crack open.
Remus was being mean.
Sirius deserved it.
“I can’t believe you. I've tried to help you. I really did but you don’t care not about me, not about your brother, you only care about yourself.” Remus said glaring down at Sirius.
“You are just like your parents and I want nothing to do with you” Sirius let out a pained noise.
He knew Remus would be mad but he never realized how mad he would be. Sirius couldn’t breath, he couldn't handle Remus’ anger.
“It’s no wonder your own brother hates you, you're insufferable” Sirius didn’t dare to move. He doesnt think he could move.
He was so hurt by Remus’ words but he knew he deserved it. Some part of him liked this, like having Remus this angry at him. Sirius hated himself a little bit more.
“I can’t even look at you” Remus spoke again, turning away from Sirius. Ignoring the fact that Sirius was crumbling before him. Maybe that’s what he turned away so that he wouldn’t have to see how badly his words had hurt Sirius. He walked towards the door and stopped for a moment.
“Oh and Sirius we are over” with that Remus left.
Sirius knew it was coming saw it coming from a mile away. It still hurts. The love of his life had walked away and it was all his fault. Sirius waited until he was sure Remus was gone before allowing himself to cry. He doesn’t know how or when but he was suddenly on the floor sobbing and unable to stop. He never wanted Remus to hate him, never wanted to be anything like his family. He had tried so hard to be good ro be nice but he failed. He was just as dark and twisted as the rest of his family.
Sirius hated himself and hated his family. Hated his mother for having him, he hated her for never protecting him from his father. He hated his father for always drinking and taking his anger out on Sirius, He hated his brother for not giving him space and believing their parents lies over Sirius.
Sirius wanted to die.
He begged for death to take him away. Sirius had never felt like this before and had never begged for death this desperately before. Sirius wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do. He didn’t know how to move on from this. He hated this feeling and he wanted it gone.
He wanted James.
He wanted Regulus.
He wanted his Moony.
He couldn't have them anymore. He had lost them all.
Sirius had never felt this low in his life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Regulus was cold.
He felt it deep in his bones deep in his soul.
Regulus was cold and in pain.
Regulus was alone.
For a moment Regulus thought of his brother. He wanted his big brother. He wanted Sirius to hold him again and tell him everything was going to be ok.
Regulus wanted Sirius more than anything.
Sirius wasn’t coming.
Regulus was alone.
Regulus was going to die alone.
Besides, Sirius would never come because Sirius hated him.
Sirius wasn’t coming, no one was coming. Regulus hasn't told anyone about the cave or the horcruxes. He didn’t tell anyone what he was planning. He didn’t tell anyone anything. He didn’t want to drag anyone down the dark path he walked. He wanted the people he loved to stay in the light.
Regulus was alone and he hated it.
It was his own fault for being alone. He knows this but it doesn’t stop his heart from aching, craving the touch of someone that will never come. He was alone and no one was going to save him. He had pushed the people close to him away to protect them and he was now facing the consequences of his actions.
He pushed his friends away, he pushed his brother away hell he even pushed James away. His James.
His wonderful, amazing, beautiful Jamie.
He told James he had never loved him and James had believed him.
Regulus doesn’t know what was worse: the fact he told James he never loved him or the fact that James believed him.
Regulus loved James more than anything in this world. He only wished he had more time with him.
Regulus sat on the cold stone floor shivering from the cold. He gripped tightly onto the stupid horcrux he worked so hard to get. He just needed to destroy it; he just needed to end this war.
“Master Regulus, we have to go” Kreacher said, standing next to Regulus looking worried.
Regulus didn’t want to move; he didn't want to leave. He wanted to stay here and be left alone. He wanted to die. He wanted Sirius. He missed his brother. Sirius would know what to do. He would be able to help Regulus.
He would hold Regulus close and tell him everything would be ok. He should have ran away with Sirius when he asked. He should have ran away when James asked. Regulus doesn’t even remember why he said no when they asked. Maybe he was scared or maybe deep down Regulus knew he was never meant to be happy. He was destined to be alone.
Destined to die alone.
Regulus was going to die alone.
“Master Regulus it isn’t safe here we need to leave” Kreacher said, voice sounding frantic.
He pulled on Regulus' arm trying to get him to stand up. Regulus didn’t move. He wanted to die.
“Kreacher take the locked and leave destroy it” Regulus said slowly handing the house elf the locket.
“Master Regulus please you will die if you stay here” Kreacher begged.
“Leave and tell no one about this, that is an order” Regulus demanded, voice firm and deprived of all emotion.
Kreacher stood there for a moment not moving. He couldn’t betray Regulus' direct orders but Regulus knew the house elf had always had a soft spot for him. In the end Kreacher followed Regulus’ orders.
Regulus was alone.
Just like he was destined to be.
Regulus was thirsty he needed water. Luckily he was in a cave surrounded by water. Regulus crawled over to the water. He took a moment to stare at his reflection. He looked like his mother. Regulus hated it. Regulus slammed his fist into the water breaking his reflection.
Suddenly a bony arm with sharp claws grabbed Regulus’ arm. He scrambled back quickly trying to distance himself from the water. More bony figures emerged from the water making there way to Regulus.
He was going to die.
Regulus couldn’t breathe, he couldn't think he didn’t want to die not like this. The figures grew closer; they were scrawny and looked like walking corpses. They reached out trying to grab Regulus trying to pull him into the water. Regulus tried to fight it, he really did. He didn’t want to die, not when his brother hated him and not when James hated him. He wanted to live, he wanted his brother. He wanted his James.
“Please not like this, let me live” Regulus cried out as claws grabbed his legs and pulled him closer to the water.
He doesn’t know who he was asking but he didn’t care he didn’t want to die. Regulus thrashed and pushed and kicked trying to break free. He fought and he fought to get away to live.
Regulus Black died alone.
No one found his body.
*********************
Sirius smiled standing next to Harry. He hadn’t felt this alive in years not since James died. Harry was beside him holding onto his friend while Sirius blocked spells from his cousin. Remus was across from him dueling with another death eater. Sirius smiled as he dodged another spell from Bellatrix.
“Come on, you can do better than that!” Sirius teased not noticing his cousin throwing a killing curse directly at him.
He didn’t notice until it was too late. Sirius felt the curse hit his chest and for a fleeting moment hoped that maybe he would be ok. He didn’t want to die not like this, not at the hands of his crazy cousin and not in front of Harry. They were supposed to be a proper family again; that's what he promised Harry a real family. Sirius felt his body start to fall back. He didn’t want to die not like this. He could hear Harry let out a heartbreaking scream. He wanted to tell him it would be ok and wanted so desperately to be the father figure he needed.
He couldn’t because he was dead.
He was dead and there was no body to bury.
Sirius woke up and was immediately assaulted by bright light. He sat up looking around. He was at kings cross except no one was there. Sirius thought that when you died you would be able to see the ones you loved. Sirius thought that death is where you could be reunited with your loved ones in the afterlife.
But this was different, no one was here. Sirius slowly stood up and started walking down kings cross station looking for any sign of life. It was weird in a way to walk through an empty kings cross when he was so used to it being filled with people.
“Hello? Anyone here?” Sirius yelled as he walked.
Sirius was starting to get annoyed.
Where the hell were all the other dead people?
“So you finally died brother” Sirius jumped at the sudden voice. He turned around and was face to face with his little brother.
He looked like shit.
His hair was wet and dripping with a small puddle forming at his feet. He had deep scratch marks covering his arms and legs. The shirt he was wearing was torn and wet and his eyes were puffy and red like he's been crying. He was frowning and his face was slightly blue. Sirius wasn't sure what the afterlife would be like but he must be in hell if Regulus is here.
“Regulus? What are you doing here? Where are we?” Sirius asked. Regulus just rolled his eyes and sat down on a nearby bench.
“We are in limbo,” Regulus said dryly.
Sirius sat down next to his brother, his mind still not able to figure out or understand where he was.
“Limbo?”
Regulus let out an annoyed sigh. “Limbo basically because no one buried our bodies we are stuck between heaven and hell”
Sirius felt his heart stop.
“So no James,” Sirius asked, voice cracking.
Regulus shook his head. “No James and when Remus dies no Remus”
Sirius shook his head. He didn't believe him and couldn't believe him.
“No you're lying to me this- I can’t spend eternity here” Sirius stood up and began walking away.
He was going to find a way out he had to get out.
“Sirius, what are you doing? There is no way out if your body didn’t get a proper burial then you are stuck here whether you like it or not.” Regulus yelled standing up to follow him.
“There has to be a way I need to see James and Lily! And when Moony dies I have to see him again I have to apologize for well for everything” Sirius yelled storming down the long and empty station.
Regulus scoffed and rolled his eyes “It’s pointless there is no way out just give up already”
Sirius stopped and turned to face his brother.
“What is your problem I get you have no friends and no one who loves you but I have friends I have someone I love who I want to see again so no I won’t give up I will find a way out and you can either help me or get out of my way” Sirius spat glaring at his baby brother.
Regulus' eyes widened as if he couldn’t believe the words that had come out of SIirus mouth. He looked offended and hurt. He looked small.
“I have friends I want to see. I have a lover I want to reunite with. I was loved Sirius and it has killed me to be stuck in this shit hole with no way to reunite with them” There were tears in his eyes as he spoke.
Sirius almost felt bad for Regulus.
A good brother would walk over and give him a hug, tell him he's sorry and try to fix their broken relationship.
Sirius was not a good brother.
He never did the right thing.
“Who would ever love you?” Sirius snarled.
There was a moment where both brothers just stood there glaring at one another.
“I was loved. I just I pushed everyone away. I thought I was helping end the war I thought I was protecting them I thought I was protecting you” Regulus choked out tears falling down his face.
Sirius looked away, he couldn't look at his brother, he couldn't face him not now.
“Look how well that plan went, everyone died Regulus your death it meant nothing everyone thought you died because you were a coward no one mourn your death” Sirius spoke his voice cold.
He doesn’t know why he told his brother that. It was a lie anyways many people mourned his brother's death. Sirius mourned his brother's death. Sirius heard his baby brother walk towards him.
Sirius didn’t move.
He turned to face his brother.
Sirius didn't move.
He watched as his brother lifted his hand.
Sirius didn’t move.
He let his brother hit him.
Still Sirius didn’t move.
Regulus hit him again and again.
Sirius let him.
“I hate you, I wish you were never born” Regulus yelled tears streaming down his cheeks.
Sirius didn’t move.
“I wish you were a girl” Sirius whispered tears streaming down his own cheeks.
Regulus shook his head.
“Why you, why did you have to be the one I spend my afterlife with?” Regulus screamed.
Sirius doesn’t think Regulus was asking him but it didn’t matter. Screaming wasn’t going to fix anything.
They were stuck with no one but each other. If this wasn’t hell Sirius wasn’t sure he wanted to find out what hell was like.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When Remus woke up his first thought was why the hell was he back in the Gryffindor common room. His next thought was that something was wrong. Something was missing his heart ached and he wasn’t sure why.
The third thing he noticed was that James was leaning over him with a big smile on his face.
“Moony! You're here! Finally took you long enough”
Remus sat up and frowned looking around.
“Prongs, where is Sirius?” James froze before looking away with a guilty look in his eyes.
Remus felt his stomach drop.
“James, where is Sirius? He's dead. I watched him die so why isn’t he here?” Remus asked almost frantically.
James sat down next to Remus refusing to look him in the eyes. “Remus I’m so sorry but he isn’t here”
Remus almost didn’t belive it. Sirius had to be here Remus watched him die so he had to be here in the afterlife. He wanted to scream and yell and tell James he was wrong. He wanted to but he didn’t. Deep down he knew James was right Sirius wasn’t here he could feel it in his soul.
Sirius was dead but he wasn’t with Remus.
He would never be with Remus again.
Remus had lost Sirius again and this time for all of eternity,
“Why” Remus whispered, gripping the sheets tightly.
James looked down with a guilty look in his eyes like he was the one who cursed Sirius to spend eternity without his friends.
“He wasn’t properly buried and when you don't get buried you can't go to the afterlife you get stuck in limbo that’s where he is with-” James stopped not finishing his sentence.
Remus paused for a moment. They didn’t bury his body; Sirius had no body to bury. Remus couldn’t breathe the love of his life was gone forever and all because he had died at the wrong place at the wrong time.
Remus looked over at James and noticed tears welling up in his eyes. He was looking down at the floor with a sad look in his eyes. Remus realized then that he had mentioned someone was in limbo with Sirius.
“James, what's wrong? Who is with Sirius?” Remus asked softly, placing a gentle hand on James' shoulder.
James didn’t answer right away; he just sat on the edge of the bed and tried to keep the tears from falling down his eyes.
“James it’s ok to cry and if you don’t want to talk about who’s with Sirius then we don’t have to” Remus said trying to sooth his friend.
“No it’s fine you deserve to know it’s just” James paused for a moment and took a deep breath.
“Regulus is with him they both didn’t get proper burials so now they are stuck in limbo together and i just really miss both of them I had hoped I would be able to see them again but I lost them both and it really fucking sucks Remus” James voice shook as tears fell down his cheeks.
Remus immediately understood. Remus remembers back in Hogwarts James' crush on the younger Black brother and how in 3rd year he had secretly started dating Regulus behind Sirius' back.
“I get it” was all Remus could get out.
James looked up at him and smiled. Not his usual smile no this smile was different it was sadder more tired.
“Yeah you do don’t you” James whipped his tears and layed down on the bed.
“I miss him,” James whispered.
Remus laid down next to him and closed his eyes.
“I miss him too,” Remus replied.
They laid there for a moment taking in the silence mourning the love they would never see again. Hoping and wishing that by some miracle their lovers would return to them.