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Now I feel my heart beating.
I feel my heart underneath my skin.
Oh you make me feel…like I’m alive again.
Something draws Aleks out of the warmth of his penthouse apartment one night, but he isn’t sure what. Maybe an urge to be alone, or a seek for solace…and he leaves his phone buzzing with a swarm of incoming emails and client calls as he escapes the confines of his home and steps into the cool, midnight air.
He knows where he’ll find peace, and he heads in the direction of his refuge.
The streets of New York are filled with life; tourists marvelling at the array of lights that pierce the darkness, locals celebrating the end of a busy working week, and Aleks feels alienated from every single one of them. He pushes past the crowds, keeping his head down and his arms folded across his chest, bracing the chill as he walks.
Soon he reaches the cluster of corporate skyscrapers that line Manhattan and arrives at his destination. The streets are quieter here, which he’s grateful for, and he quickly withdraws his employee pass to scan his way into his office building.
Being the boss’s son has its perks, and he uses his access-all-areas pass to activate the elevator, nodding his head at the team of janitors in the reception.
They’re used to his nightly visits, and they wave him on.
Aleks presses the button for the roof, a strict out-of-bounds area to everyone but himself and his father. It’s the only place where he feels some kind of peace, and he taps his foot impatiently as the lift ascends.
Ninety-five floors later, and he’s here.
He pushes open the door to the roof, squinting as he walks into the darkness – only to freeze in horror at the sight of a silhouette standing on the edge of the building.
But the figure isn’t just on the edge – they are beyond the safety rail, peering down at the drop below, and Aleks knows instantly what’s about to happen.
“No!” His startled cry shatters the silence, and he surges forward, his heart leaping into his throat, threatening to choke him. “What are you doing?”
The figure flinches at the sudden noise, and Aleks is close enough now to see that it’s an outline of a young man, around the same age as him.
“Jesus Christ!” The man hisses, whirling around with such speed that Aleks is surprised that he doesn’t topple over the edge. He vaguely recognises the dark mane of curls and the sharp voice, and realises that he’s one of his employees, from another department. “Look buddy, just wait your turn. This ledge will be yours in a few minutes.”
“I’m not here to…” Aleks breaks off abruptly, shaking his head, and quickly morphs into the authoritative figure that his employees are used to. “Get down, right now!”
The man looks away, his attention elsewhere as he turns his gaze to the night sky. “No.” He states plainly, and Aleks recoils, unused to someone disobeying him.
He doesn’t dwell on it though; the safety of the man in front of him absolutely paramount. “Don’t do this.” He pleads, taking a cautious step forwards, relieved when the man remains still.
“Why do you care?” Dark eyes regard him warily. “Just leave, alright? You shouldn’t have to see this.”
Choosing to ignore him, Aleks takes another step towards him, and this time the man reacts, backing up to the very edge. “Don’t you dare! I’ll jump if you get any closer.” His words are a warning, and Aleks freezes, believing him.
He tries another tactic, attempting to diffuse the situation another way. “What’s your name?” He asks, tucking his hands into his pockets, the epitome of composure – although he is anything but. His breathing is ragged, his heart is pounding in his rib cage, but he tries to subdue his panic.
The man can also see right through his act, and he glares at him. His silence is a clear refusal to play along, but Aleks doesn’t give up.
“I’m Aleks. Spelt with a ‘k’.” The spiel tumbles from his lips, his fear forcing him to speak, to fill the dreaded silence. “Full name is Aleksandr Marchant. I’m Russian. 24 years old, and I’ve lived here since I was seven. Well, not here, exactly.”
He pauses, realising how trivial he sounds, in such a grave time. He should be pulling this guy down from the ledge, not telling him his life story.
The man raises one eyebrow slightly, and it’s too dark for Aleks to tell if he’s amused or astounded. “I know who you are.” He says brusquely, and Aleks winces, knowing that revealing his full name may have been a mistake. Being the boss’s only son means no anonymity.
He doesn’t acknowledge James’s comment though. His position doesn’t matter, not compared to this. “You know, it’s only polite to tell me your name too. A sign of good manners, and all that.”
The moment he says the remark, he regrets it.
But his rudeness doesn’t affect the man in any way, and he continues to regard him coolly. “James.” He says grudgingly. “James Wilson.”
Aleks smiles, relieved. A breakthrough. “It’s a pleasure to meet you James.”
“Is it?” James turns his gaze to the distance, to the looming skyline, and Aleks can see that he’s losing him.
His desperation forces him to take another step forwards, but fortunately James is too distracted to notice. “Yes, it is.” Aleks says firmly, now knowing what had drawn him out of his apartment. He has a purpose, a life to save…and a man to heal.
“It isn’t.” James’s tone is just as resolved, and his eyes flicker back to Aleks’s. There’s so much sadness and so much pain in just one glance that Aleks feels himself begin to tear up. “I wish I could believe you, but I ruin the lives of everyone I meet. That’s why I’m doing the world a favour and ending things, once and for all.”
Aleks quickly wipes his eyes, blaming the stinging bitterness of the wind, and studies the broken man in front of him. He knows that he only has one chance left before he’s forced to watch him end his life.
He trails his gaze across the contours of James’s face, noting the cloud of uncertainty that shadows his eyes, and notices the tremor of his fingers that he tries to hide by clenching his hands into fists.
The choice is simple.
Aleks holds out his hand, his palm outstretched. He doesn’t move, doesn’t say a word.
He waits.
James blinks, and stares down at the offering.
Seconds pass, and then minutes trickle by as both men remain frozen in their tableau, both unwilling to move from their position.
Quickly realising that this is going nowhere, Aleks breaks the silence. “Come with me.” He whispers, knowing that James will hear him.
He does, and there is fear in his eyes – a fear of the future; scared of the possibilities that lay ahead.
Aleks understands. He’s scared too. He knows that whatever happens now, his life is going to change. “Come and get a coffee with me.” He adds, wiggling his fingers slightly to coerce James into taking his hand. His arm is starting to ache, and he needs James to move now.
“You’re asking me out?” James questions, but he takes a step forward, and Aleks can sense victory. “A stranger who you’ve just met on a roof, about to do something completely reckless. You’re crazy.”
Maybe Aleks is. “You’re not a stranger.” He says quietly, eyes trained on his. James isn’t a stranger, not anymore. He may have been one of those faceless faces that Aleks saw every day, but he’s more than that now. “I have my issues too.”
He’d chosen to come to the roof, to escape his own suffocating life. Maybe he doesn’t have the same troubles that plague James, but they are alike. Two kindred spirits, brought together by fate, so that one can save the other. And maybe…this means something more.
He wonders if James is thinking the same thing, for his eyes begin to soften and he reaches out, tentatively lacing their fingers together.
Aleks grasps his hand tightly and swiftly pulls him down from the ledge, eager to bring him to safety. James stumbles from the force, knocking into him slightly, and he murmurs an apology, a rosy hue dusting his cheeks.
Their fingers are still curled together, alighting Aleks’s heart with warmth and something else, but it isn’t enough. He’s so grateful that James is safe, that he’s still here, and he releases his hand to throw his arms around him, drawing him into a hug.
He feels James freeze at the unexpected rush of affection, but Aleks doesn’t care. He fists his hands in the back of his jacket, clutching James to him, breathing in deeply.
Finally he hears James sigh, and then his arms slide around Aleks’s waist, anchoring them together.
The night air grows colder and frost begins to coat the ground beneath them, but neither of them pull away. Aleks just smiles as he tucks his head against the crook of James’s neck, looking up at the stars that shine down on them.
Oh you make me feel
Like I’m alive again.